Episode 93: Would You Rather?

You can even go to specific parts of the episode if you want to. If there's one. Would you rather that you really want your partner to answer? You can jump to there, but we just thought it could be a very fun and sneaky little way to have important and valuable and very bonding conversations with your partner. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Xander, I have a question for you.

Let's go.

Would you rather record this podcast or not record this podcast?

I thought you're gonna be like or do it.

Well, I mean, that would be. That would be a really obvious. Okay, that would be very obvious.

What?

Would you rather record this podcast or go do it? Thanks to Rocket Money for supporting Pillow Talks. Rocket Money quickly and easily identifies your subscriptions for you so you can stop paying for the ones you don't want. Stop throwing your money away, cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to RocketMoney.com, thanks to ZocDoc for supporting pillow talks. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor.

All right, well, we just got back from having sex and now we're gonna record this podcast.

You didn't even pause long enough.

I mean, our editor. Our editor edited out all the middle stuff. I'll just leave to your imagination. What just happened?

Did you hear? Our editor Art included a little intermission in the podcast episode A few weeks ago is when we were googling something. He put in a little thing that was like, welcome to the intermission. I was listening to that and I just started dying laughing. So maybe Art will give us the same one. Maybe he'll make a new intermission song and we can pretend that we actually left and had sex.

It'll be like two minutes later, five hours later.

Why did you just roast Yourself, two minutes.

I roasted myself because I got to come clean, guys. We did not go have sex. I just paused for like two seconds for dramatic effect. And I didn't really pause because I was like, if we, if we did this in real life, like, obviously, obviously we would stop the recording. And. But, but yeah, if we didn't and went in the other room, like, you know, it would just get edited out. So there's no point in pausing.

But no, we roasted yourself two minutes.

Wow.

Okay.

You know, I try to be funny on this podcast. I try to make it, you know, lighter listening for people.

Okay.

All right.

So today we are doing a whole would you rather themed episode. So this is something that we actually started doing on Instagram. Our social team, Maddie and Rose, came up with the idea to do. Would you rather. Because we always love doing these, like, fun interactive stuff with you guys on stories. If you're not following us on Instagram at Vanessa and Xander, you gotta get over there. So we started doing this series maybe two months ago.

Yeah. And when we started, I was like, oh, this is fun. I just thought we were gonna do it like once or twice.

Yeah. But people loved it. Our audience just went nuts over it and said, this is so fun. It's fun to answer the questions. And it actually is helping me open up conversations with my partner. If I can start with something that feels kind of silly or more playful, then my partner gets a little interested, like, oh, well, what was that about? What's this account that you're on? And it's just been a great way for people to ease having these really powerful conversations with each other. Like, it starts as this silly game, but then it ends up being really connecting and bonding. I just loved that.

It's a testament to the fact that, you know, it is so much easier to answer this or that or questions or haven't a menu of options than an open ended question. Like if you walk into a restaurant and the chef is like, walks up to you and goes, all right, you got 10 seconds to tell me what you want. I'm not going to tell you what ingredients we have, but you just gotta tell me what you want and if I have it, I'll make it for you. You would be like, okay, time's up. Yeah, can I see the menu? Right. It's so much easier when you have a menu of options. And it's even easier when there are two options. Cause it's one or the other.

And that's why we actually use that framework many times throughout sex talks Our book, if you haven't picked it up already, it came out a couple weeks ago. You can still snap up your copy.

It is on the shelves. It is.

Go grab it. Because that's just, again, such a fun and easy way to have these conversations. Picking something from a menu, picking one out of two options, rather than having to come up with all these answers out of nowhere. So we decided today that we would expand. Would you rather into a podcast episode? So what we did is we went over to Instagram, we said, we're making this into an episode. Give us your best. Would you rather give us your best shot? Yeah, we said, you know, give us some funny ones. We want to laugh and make this lighthearted and play playful, though we also want to answer harder hitting ones.

Yeah. Complicated ones.

And what we're really hoping is that this podcast episode can be a great way for you to open up these conversations with your partner. So skip the intro when you play it for your partner. So they don't know what's going on.

Oh, you just don't want them to know that I just have furious two minute sex.

What? No, I'm saying if you don't want your partner to know you're using this episode.

You're so generous. You're so generous. You. You don't want. You don't want the part out there, the knowing that. Yeah, no, but it didn't actually happen. It's okay. It's okay. I'm not actually embarrassed because nothing happened.

You can even go to specific parts of the episode if you want to, if there's one. Would you rather that you really want your partner to answer? You can jump to there, but we just thought it could be a very fun and sneaky little way to have important and valuable and very bonding conversations with your partner. So one final detail about this before we jump in is that Xander and I have not discussed our answers with each other.

We have not.

So we took a look at the list. We picked the ones that we thought would be most interesting to answer, but we do not know each other's answers. So we'll be doing this live in this episode.

Yeah, we'll be discussing our thought process. I think that's the really important thing. It's one thing to play. Would you rather and just literally answer and move on to the next question? I think where it starts to get interesting and really connecting with your partner is talking, talking through. Like, why is that your answer? Like, what. What would either, you know, why did you choose one, not the other one? Like, what would you need in order for the other one to actually sound like? How would you change the other one so that you would actually be more into that? Or something like that.

Yeah. And also, the final rule of would you rather? Is you have to pick an answer. So every week when we play Would you rather? In stories, we inevitably get a million DMs from people saying neither. That's not the game.

No fun.

You can't choose neither. You have to pick one.

Have you. Do you even know how to play? Would you rather?

You have to pick. That's why it's a tough game and why it initiates those conversations. You can't crap out on it by saying neither. Do you say neither or neither?

I feel like I probably do. I. Like, I probably do. Both.

Yeah.

Depending on.

I just really committed to neither, and I was like, that sounds weird.

Neither. Neither.

Neither. Neither sounds weird, too, though. You can not pick. You cannot say neither nor neither. You have to pick.

Now that I'm thinking about it, that word just. It sounds like a word that I don't even want to use anywhere.

So don't. Don't DM us with it. You have to pick. Okay, Xander, let's kick things off with our first Would you rather. So I'll read it, and then I think we'll try to respond at the same time, and then we can go into our answers and hopefully you can.

Hear what each of us say. We'll see how that goes.

We'll see how it goes. Okay, so would you rather have no sex but no fights in our relationship?

Oh, so, like, roommate vibes or lots.

Of fights with lots of intimacy?

And by intimacy, I think they mean sex.

Yeah. So no sex, no fights, lots of fights, lots of sex.

All right, so basically, sex or no sex.

Yeah. Okay, so I'll count us down. 3, 2. 1. Lots of fights, lots of sex.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay. Yeah, I. I agree now. I mean, like, I'm making a lot of assumptions with this. Like, I am assuming that if you were to go with roommate vibes and no sex, like, you're still in a monogamous relationship. Meaning, like, you're not. You're not having sex elsewhere. First of all, like, I think that that's kind. If that's. If that were different than, like, I don't know, that's a totally different relationship configuration that I haven't really had time to think about, nor do I really want right now. But. Yeah, and then. But I think here's the thing. Like, lots of. Lots of fights with lots of intimacy. I mean, I guess it's up in the air. Like, what are, what kind of fights are we talking about? Like, do we get to bring in our own. Like, do we get to bring ourselves into this where, like, you know, we. We learned how to fight more fairly? We. I feel like if it's lots of fights, like, maybe we have lots of fights at first, but then we get better with the fight.

No, no, we have lot. We just have lots of fights. But because you and I fight very fairly, I think we handle fights well. I think one of the themes that's going to emerge today for me is I'm willing to put up a lot with a lot for sex. So I'm willing to put up with a lot of fights that are done fairly and respectfully in order to have sex.

Yeah. Now, I mean, I guess the interesting thing would be, like, if this were different, if it were specifically like, knock down, drag out, unhealthy fights, would that change your answer? Like, it might for me. Yeah, I think it would. I think I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't feel like, emotionally safe to be having. To be having sex. But if it's like, yeah, we are arguing about things but in a constructive way, then then, yeah, I'm not going to be having sex, like, while we're having an argument, But I would feel safe in that relationship to be able to do that. But yeah, for me, I. I do, I do definitely need to feel like a baseline level of safety and connection with Vanessa in order for me to be open to having sex.

And if you want to learn how to fight fair, definitely go back and check out episode 83. We break down a listener's argument. It was a really cool episode. They sent us a text of their fight, and we go over all sorts of tips for fighting fair.

Oh, yeah, and we also, we also have our golden rules of communication. In our book Sex Talks, we. We go through all of that and you know, sex talks in general, if you, if you follow our directions going through these conversations, you're going to out the other and having a much, much better way. I wouldn't even say of fighting, of just of discussing issues. Like, that's really. I mean, what a fight is, is like you weren't able to have a constructive discussion about something and it turned into a fight. So if you can just learn how to have constructive discussions about things, then ideally you're not having very many or any fights. All right, so let's do the next one. Babe. Never have intercourse with your partner again. Or never kiss them again.

Okay. Never have intercourse.

Never kiss.

Yeah, I. Yeah, I answered that wrong. I didn't think that through. What I meant is I would rather have intercourse and give up the kissing. Yeah, you would give up the kissing as well.

I would give up the kissing. I love. I love kissing you.

I love kissing you.

I do love kissing you, but I'd rather fucking. I mean, I feel like we could still, you know, we could still have a lot of intimate eye contact and.

Like, other things I find touching and cuddling and all of that. It would just not be the kissing. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I mean, it would be hard, and, yeah, it would be sad, but to never be able to have intercourse again would just. That feels like too much to give.

It would be sad, and it would be weird because it would be like. I feel like there's been a couple of times where maybe one of us has been sick and we. We've tried to have sex with no kissing or like, when one of us has had, like, a throat thing or something. It's.

I actually don't think it's that bad to have sex without kissing because we have such a big height difference that we often can't kiss.

It is hard to kiss while we are. While we are having intercourse.

I mean, it's definitely fun and enjoyable to kiss while we're having intercourse, but I. I think it can be pleasurable without the kissing.

Yeah, we don't. We don't kiss a ton when we are having intercourse, but we kiss. So that's. That's what would be missing, I think. Yeah, it would be the getting turned on. The, like, getting started. You would have to. We would have to create a new routine and have a lot of checking in about, like, creating a routine that feels good. That feels good to us. But, yeah, I would definitely. I would give up the kissing. I would sadly give up the kissing.

Yeah, it would be sad. But that's the point of the game. It's a hard choice. Okay, let's move on. Xander, would you rather be walked in on or walk in on someone else?

Walk in on someone else. Yep. Just solely. Solely. Because I think that as much as I think that I could be walked in on and get through it by, you know, like, I wouldn't be, like, horribly embarrassed. I. I wouldn't, like. I wouldn't, like, be like, okay, I have to avoid this person who walked in on me. We can never speak of it. I can be like, yep, yeah, that happened. Like, sorry, should have locked the door. Hope it's cool. Like, even if it was, you know, a parent or something like that, like, I think I can get through that. But I do think that it would, like, then I would feel on edge for a while. Like, oh, my. Did I lock the door? Like, it would. It would get in my head. Like, like, subconscious. It would. Subconsciously. It wouldn't be. Like, I would be scarred from it, but just, like, then it would always be, like, in the middle of sex, you'd be like, wait, shit, did I lock? Is the door closed? Is my front door unlocked? Or, you know all those things when it's like, that's the last thing you want to be thinking about right in that moment.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I. I picked walking in on someone else because I don't think I would be that disturbed seeing other people. Even if it was somebody I know or I'm close with, I don't think I'd be that disturbed seeing them. And I feel like they wouldn't be as disturbed with me walking in on them as maybe somebody else in their life. Because I'm a sex therapist and it's like, not like I'm watching people have sex all the time. That is a common misconception of sex therapy. It does not involve taking any clothes off.

Thank God. We barely get any DMS about this anymore. But I. Back when you were sitting in the Marvel, one on one, that was, like, such a common thing that you would have to tell people.

Yeah, no, no, no. We stay on opposite ends of the room. Your clothes stay on. My clothes stay on.

It is talk therapy.

Yes. But I do think that, yeah, the people in our lives would feel more comfortable with it being me than probably anyone else in their life.

I don't know about me, but sure, I'll go with that too. Okay. Let me take this one up a notch, though.

Okay.

Would this change if it was, like, be walked in on, like, you have to finish or something like that? Like, because the thing is, what I'm thinking of walking in on someone else, it's like, well, that's not so bad because, like, I just turn around and walk away. But if it's like, somehow you're, like, stuck in the room, you have to.

You have to finish.

Or. I don't know, like, it gets kind of weird, but it changes the calculus a bit.

But we already picked preferring to walk in on someone else.

Yeah. So I guess that's true.

Making us being walked in on harder doesn't change the.

Well, no, no, but sorry. If it was, would you rather be walked in on and they just turn around and walk away, or you walk in on someone and they have to finish, whoops, surprise. You're now locked in the room with them. That makes it a little harder, right?

It does. I guess.

Then I'm gonna switch mine.

I would switch. Yeah, I'd rather.

I would switch mine then and be like, okay, well, we'll finish up and then I'll go out there and apologize for that awkward situation.

Yeah, I mean, watching somebody orgasm is definitely much more intimate than just getting an accidental peek at some body parts. Like, it's very, very intimate.

Yeah, I don't. I don't think I want to do that, especially if it's someone that I know.

Yeah. Okay. Change the answer in that case.

That's a harder that. Then. Then it's not just a. Oh, God, I'm so sorry I walked in on you. I immediately left. But, like, we're stuck in this room together now. This is weird.

Thanks for making all these even weirder than they already are, babe.

I mean, this is. I think this is where it gets interesting, is like, what are the. You know what. What are your limits? Let's push the limits, babe.

Oh, boy.

Okay. Do you want to have more sex? But it's absolutely silent? No talking, no noises, etc. Or less sex, but you can have all the noise and talking that you want. Hmm.

More silent.

I have no idea. You.

You couldn't choose.

This is so. Well, this is so hard because it's. It's more or less. I feel like I need numbers. Like, I need. I need numbers. But, like, okay, so on the surface, I want to go with less, but with the noise and the talking. But it's like, I gotta know how much less. Half. Half.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Okay. Probably used to on that.

Probably still a minute. I probably still want the noise and the talking. If it's like a quarter or something, then maybe I would switch, but I really don't enjoy silent sex.

I know we've talked about this before. You are just. Yeah. You're not into it. I can get into it if I create this vibe of, like, ooh, we have to be quiet. We don't want anybody to overhear. It feels kind of naughty to be quiet.

That fantasy only works when you do it infrequently. I don't think that that can continue to be a fantasy if that's every single time. Like, then you would just acclimate to that and be like, no, like, I'm unable to speak.

I'm just not as turned on by the sounds of sex as you are. And the, like, the talking and the moaning, like, it is very much a turn on for me. I enjoy it very much. But if I have to choose between having less sex to have it, I'm. No way I'm going with more sex.

Well, yeah, I mean, that's just why for me it was like, it has to do with the numbers. Like, what is the difference?

Like, half. No way. I'd rather be silent all the time.

Okay, well, what. Okay, what about this? They didn't say anything about the not. It's a week. We are not allowed to make noise. But like, the sex sound, like, they're like, our bodies can still make noise. Okay, if. Maybe I can get around to this one. If I'm like, all right, I'm just. Just really keying in on that.

I mean, you can make other noises. You can play some music in the background. Sure. Our bodies can make sounds. It's just. You can't make any with your mouth.

Can, like, can like, we find some. Some like, like audio sex noises? Oh, my God. No, I'm just kidding.

This is a really interesting one for couples to talk about because this was something I honestly never paid any attention to until we started dating because I'd never been with somebody who into talking and making noise as you were. So I.

You make it sound like I'm like some like super noisy person.

No, like, not anything about how noisy you are, but you enjoy that, like talking and making noises. It's a big turn on to you. I'm just saying, like, it's a turn on to me too. But I'd never been with somebody who was as turned on by it as you, so I never would have thought that anybody would choose less sex with noise.

Yeah, I mean, for me, it's just like the energy that's between us and when it's silent, it's hard. It's harder to pick up on that.

No, I understand it now.

Yeah, it's harder to pick up, like, oh, like, is this good for you? How is this feeling? Like, how are things going for you?

Yeah, it's a way that you feel connected. It's not, I mean, it's. It's a turn on to hear the sounds, but it's also a form of intimacy for you.

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

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More frequent.

Okay, good. Yeah, I am, I'm definitely somebody who likes to just share when something's bothering me right away.

Yeah. And I mean, well, I, I say this because I definitely used to be of the other approach where it was like, I would just convince myself, oh, this isn't a big deal. This isn't a big deal. Like, oh, like, I'm kind of annoyed about this. No, like I had this image like, oh, I'm a chill person. That's my identity. A chill person would be chill about this and forget about it. And, and the thing is, is that you do kind of forget about it. But like, your body doesn't entirely forget.

And then it sits in your.

Yeah, it sits there.

It lingers there.

And then that thing happens again and you're annoyed and you remember, oh, wait, that happened a week ago too, and I didn't say anything. And it just gets worse and worse. And so then when you do have that argument, like, yeah, like, like the person who asked this one wrote, like, it just all spills out and it ends up being a bigger, like, more emotionally charged argument. It feels worse for you. It feels way worse for the person receiving it.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, I have come to realize. No, I would, I would far rather that if something is bothering Vanessa, she tells me about it quickly rather than waiting because I, I just, I know the damage that waiting can do, like, for me, inside my own head. And I can only. I wouldn't want the same for her.

Yeah. I just think fights are so much less productive when you're having to go through multip things.

Oh. Especially if you don't remember.

Yeah. It's hard enough to have to deal with whatever was that, like, last straw that broke the camel's back and made you bring something up. But then if you're like. And also two weeks ago, you didn't take out the trash. You know that then you. It's so easy to get into a fight about logistics. Like, yes, I did. I took out the trash three weeks ago, you know, and you. It just. The whole thing turns into a mess. So I definitely prefer to just address things as they come up. But there is a cost to that. Like, it can be frustrating in the moment to have something brought up, and it can create this feeling of like, it feels like there's always something going wrong. Of like, ugh, now we have to talk about this. Now we have to talk about this now this thing's going wrong.

We don't have time, like, oh, we don't have time for this right now.

So there definitely have been times where it's been hard on us that we do that. And I've had. I've had friendships in the past where my friends have given me. Given me feedback about, like, it's really hard to hear the frequency of, you know, something bothering you. Like, sometimes people just struggle with that. So, yeah, it can definitely weigh on you to have those more frequent things, even if they are small. But I do think overall, it's just faster and easier to deal with things one at a time as they come up.

I mean, I think the key with that is that, yeah, it is easier to have more arguments. I'm putting arguments in air quotes because I think the key here is the communication and the fighting fair or whatever. And if you are both willing to work on your communication to a point where it. It doesn't necessarily feel like an argument. It's just like sharing, hey, this didn't happen. And I. I feel this way about it. And. And on the flip side, the person receiving that, because I think this is the big thing, it's like Vanessa and I started having more frequent conversations about things. I still had work to do on how I received that. I think receiving it is. Is. Is an equally large part of the puzzle. And, like, can I receive that in a way where I don't immediately go into shame or embarrassment? And I think that's really. That's really the key thing is, like, now I feel really comfortable. I. I have space for Vanessa to have feelings. I have space for her to be disappointed in something or feel let down or whatever without necessarily turning that into, oh, my God, I'm a horrible person. I. It's not okay with me that she feels that way. So I think that's. That's a big part of it, and I think a lot of people forget about that.

Yeah.

Is that. Yeah. Just as much of having an argument as the person on the receiving end of it.

That's a good point.

Being able to have space for their partner to have feelings, that doesn't have to have a huge impact on them.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah. I just think that there's so much less emotional weight. Like, I mean, the trash is a great example. If I see that you haven't taken out the trash, and I can just say, babe, can you please take out the trash? You know, it. Like, I might be annoyed, but it's like a one on a one to ten scale. Also, by the way, you've been doing a great job with the trash. I don't think in this entire time that we've lived in this house, I have had to remind you to take out the trash.

Oh, I'm killing. It's because.

Killing it with the trash.

Because in the garage right now, we have two bags of recycling to take up and one bag of trash that has to go up our steep driveway.

So, yeah, it's a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10. But if I am just spending weeks or even months brewing on, oh, my God, he hasn't taken out the trash again, there's another week that he hasn't taken out the trash. Am I going to have to remind him? How long will he go if I. Unless I remind him? Like, you start to play all these mind games in your. In your head, the intensity grows and grows and grows, and then you're at a 10. So I'd rather just have more little ones.

Oh, yeah. I mean, and the other, I think, distinguishing factor here is that when. If you wait and wait and wait, and then it all comes spilling out. The person on, well, actually, either partner, it's really difficult, slash impossible to gauge the severity of what's going on.

Yeah.

Because it's. It's grown exponentially. You know, if Vanessa is like, says one time, hey, would you take out the trash? Like, it looks kind of full. I can't put anything more in here. I know, like, how severe that is. It's. No one's gonna die. All I need to do is take the trash out, because that's my job versus if she comes to me. And it's like, for the last six months, it doesn't. Like, you've been totally neglecting your household responsibilities, you know? And then we start digging into it and it's like, it's the trash. Like, four times wasn't taken out. Like. Yeah. I don't really know how to gauge how serious that is.

Yeah.

All right, let's keep moving here, babe. Only intercourse forever or only foreplay forever? Forever.

You sounded a little unsure about that one.

Well, I seemed a little unsure because I was just. I was just trying to think through this. And if. If the. If the question is us being able to have intercourse the way that we. The way that we have intercourse, which I think prioritizes both of our pleasure pretty well or very. I'm telling myself short. That prioritizes two minutes of our. Two minutes of. It's great for me. It's okay for her.

No, by our guides.

Yeah, by our. Yeah, by our stuff. We're really good at closing the orgasm gap. No, if it is the type of intercourse that we have, which is very equally pleasurable and orgasmic for both of us, then hell, yeah, I'm going with that. Yeah.

I mean, I think in general, from a pure physical sensation standpoint, the way that we have intercourse, which we do teach in Next level intercourse, we will link to that. It's very, very pleasurable and enjoyable. And I mean, yeah, I think I would. I would rank it at the top. But I do want to be careful in saying that most women do not rank intercourse as the most pleasurable activity. Actually, 91% of women said that they prefer a different activity, which is totally fine. Like, we are all allowed to have different things that we like for our own unique bodies. But we took that number as a sign that we needed to teach people how to have better intercourse, too.

Oh, yeah.

So those secrets are all in next level intercourse. But, yeah, I think from a pure sensation standpoint, I prefer intercourse. Okay. Xander, would you rather have mind blowing sex once a month or below average sex three times a week?

Below average three times a week.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. You know, I mean, at the end of the day, for me, I like. I like the connection that we have and that we get to maintain in having sex with each other with some level of frequency. And so I would be happy with that three times a week frequency rather than it being, like, waiting for once a Month for it to be this, like, really epic. I mean, I guess, like I said, I don't know, maybe show me what the mind blowing is. Like, how. How really good.

Yeah.

Is it?

But in general, we always tell couples to focus more on quality rather than quantity, so. But this does feel like an issue of the numbers to me. Like, if this was mind blow sex once a week or below average three times a week, I would pick once a week.

I think I would too.

But if it was. Yeah, once a month, like, that's just too infrequent for me. So I would. I. I'm with you. Like, I enjoy the consistency of us being intimate, even if the experience of it isn't always the greatest.

How about this? Yeah, I would go with the below average three times a week if we are allowed to revisit our decision, like, every month or two and maybe, like, swap back and forth.

You can't swap. Get out of here. You're trying to rig the game.

I am trying to rig the game. Why not? That's, you know, neither. I gotta push the limits.

I'd rather have mind blowing sex three times a week. That's Xander's answer.

Yeah, that's my answer. Ari. Vanessa, you want to dominate or be dominated?

Be dominated. That's a problem.

Is it?

No, it's not. We take turns. We take turns being in control, but I.

We do. I think it's. Yeah. I mean, I think. Yeah, we're not. Neither of us are super into particularly dominating sex one way.

Yeah.

Or the other. So neither of us is like, oh, my God, I have to be dominated. That's the only way that I feel, like, really, truly turned on. So. But yeah, I guess, I mean, in.

General, we enjoy a pretty even balance of power and kind of. I like taking turns in that way, but I think, yeah, if I'm gonna have to pick one or the other, I do think there is something more fun about being dominated and just having to be submissive and getting caught up in the moment and somebody else is doing everything. I will say I think most people prefer to be dominated and it's because it's less work, honestly. Like, it's more work to dominate somebody. It takes more vulnerability, it takes more energy. And so I think a lot of us, you know, we're just, like, tired sometimes and you're just like, yeah, you. You do all the work. You ravish me and make me feel so desired and wanted and, like, you know, I just have to follow along with what your plan is for me.

Yeah, I Mean, I. Yeah, I think if. If it's like, oh, I have to be the dominator. The dominator. Then. Then, yeah, there's. There's a higher bar where it's like, okay, I gotta be. It's more really like. Like, like, for me to initiate that, I have to be super turned on. I have to feel like. I know we always talk about. It's like initiating sex is never a guarantee, but it does feel a bit more like, oh, I have to kind of guarantee that I'm up for this and can really fulfill on that responsibility.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you the next one because it really only applies to you.

Okay.

Would you rather I surprise you in lingerie or naked?

Oh, my God, this was so hard.

Really?

Okay, I'm gonna go with naked because we're taking the lingerie off anyway. Unless. Unless it's lingerie, that is.

Yeah, you're getting. You're getting a bonus if I'm surprising you in lingerie. You get to see me in lingerie and see me naked.

Oh, I didn't. I didn't think about it that way. All right, all right, I'm going with the lingerie. Your.

Your thought process is interesting today.

You know, you're putting me on the spot. I have three seconds. I haven't thought about these. I haven't thought about these since like. Like yesterday when we actually kind of culled through the list and I wasn't thinking, like, what's my answer gonna be? I was like, oh, do I. Is this a good one versus. Yeah, you're right. You're right. And I mean, even if you have to stay in the lingerie, I'm pretty happy with that.

Okay.

I. I do love to see your naked body, so. You know, I just drink laundry, assuming it's lingerie where I can see through it.

It's like we always talk about it as, like, gift wrap. You get to see the gift wrap and you get to see the gift underneath the True.

I do. Yeah. It is nice to have a present that is. Is wrapped.

You're so funny. I would prefer you to surprise me naked. There's, you know, haven't really found any lingerie for men. I'm just not into. Like, as long as you have clean, well fitting boxer briefs, that's fine, but it's not. It's not like a. Your boxers are never a turn on for me.

Okay, well, okay, so we're. We'll just put it out there. We're still in the search for. For male lingerie, you know, A good male lingerie that works for our relationship.

Okay.

All right. Vanessa, would you rather have the tidiest, cleanest partner ever or the most romantic and thoughtful partner ever?

Romantic and thoughtful.

Oh, my God, I'm totally freezing up. I don't know. I don't know.

She's getting performance anxiety now.

Both of these sound really good.

Okay, I'll walk you through mine. This was also harder than I thought it would be, because if I do really think, like, obviously a romantic, thoughtful partner sounds nice.

Does this mean, like, we have a pigsty of a house?

Yeah, if I really.

And that, like, I can't do anything about it.

Like, no, you'd have to clean it. Like, you and I have pretty similar levels of cleanliness. I'd say we're B plus, A minus clean. A minus. We're A minus clean people. We're not super neat freaks about needing to have everything in place, but, like, we definitely keep a tidy home. And if I really think about what it would be like to have a partner who is significantly messier than you are, like, that would be tough.

Yes.

But ultimately, I. I would rather have the emotional intimacy of somebody who's thoughtful and romantic than just what my house looks like.

Yeah. I mean, I guess if we're looking at. I guess I. I would. I guess I would choose romantic and thoughtful because I feel like if. If you're assuming that by choosing tidiest cleanest, you're not going to have a particularly romantic and thoughtful partner. It does feel like we're swinging the relationship into a bit more of a transactional relationship.

That's what I was going to do.

Than an emotional partnership. And I'll take. I mean, yeah, I definitely have maybe a bit more tolerance for messiness than you do.

Yeah, you do.

Then again, I went on a. I went on a weekend getaway with some of my college guy friends. I got there. I got there, like, a day later than everyone else did because I had a wedding I had to go to.

Horrifying.

I walked into this Airbnb, they were out. Like, I. Like, I got in the airport, took an Uber to the Airbnb so I could drop my bags off and then go meet them. Walked into this Airbnb, and I was just like, what the am I doing with my. What am I doing with my life? Oh, man.

We have a. We're being visited by a little hummingbird. Did you see that?

I did see that.

That was really cool. It was right in front of the window. Just paused staring at us.

Yeah, that hummingbird was also wondering what I'm doing with my life. But, yeah, I was like, wow. I. This is a.

You sent me a video. You're like, look at these pigs.

I did. I did. I don't if any of those guys are listening. I. I did do that, and I did not send that video to you guys, but I did send it to my wife.

All right. Would you rather only have one position the rest of your life or never do your favorite position again?

One position. Oh, I don't know. We have to think. We have to think this through. Let's talk this one through. I mean, this is tough. I mean, I would.

No, no, sorry. I would pick never do my favorite again. I'd rather have the variety. I would rather have a variety of positions and not be able to do my favorite rather than.

This is. This is so hard for me because I feel like I have two favorite positions, and one of them is. I would probably. The one that you think is really my favorite is not actually my favorite one to orgasm in. Like, I feel like I can have better orgasms in another position, but so then I'm like, well, which one am I not doing anymore? Or, like, which one is the one position? I mean, if it were. If it were like, I can do missionary for the rest of my life. If that's the position, then I might choose that because there's a lot of variations that you can do. Should we show you?

No.

Next level intercourse.

Those are different positions, though, when you do a variation.

All right, fine. I'm going to choose never do my favorite again.

Yeah. And I. There are lots of positions that can be pleasurable and enjoyable. I don't know why I panicked and.

Said we might discover. You might discover a new one that actually turns in your favorite. So it ends up being a trick question because you do end up getting to do your favorite because you find a new one.

Okay.

That's my way of gaming the system. All right, Our last one. Vanessa, would you rather marry your first sexual partner or keep the first job that you had forever?

Oh, my God.

Keep the first job.

You're your first sexual partner.

Are you Danger. You have a buyer's buyer's remorse. I think she does. I think she does. Wow. Rude. I'm like. I'm like, God, I will. I'll fall on the fucking sword, babe, so I can have you. And Vanessa's just like. Like, xander, you're out. Xander, you are out. It's been nice knowing you.

I didn't think that went through either, you know?

What the really? The. The funny. The funny and. And kind of messed up thing about all of this is that Vanessa's first sexual partner actually, it turns out, live a couple houses down on the very street that we live on today. So, like, if this were her life, Vanessa might even, like, kind of have the same. Live in the same place, have the same view at her house every day.

Here's. Here's how I was thinking about it.

I was.

I was thinking that I would still be married to you, but also have to marry my first sexual partner. It just, like, didn't even incur in my mind that you would not be in the picture. It was like, two husbands.

Oh, that's so. So sweet. That's so sweet.

I'm sorry. I would absolutely pick. Keep my first job.

Wait, so wait, what is. I'm trying to remember what your. What is your first job? Well, yeah, like, which one are we talking? For me, I'm thinking working, renting surfboards and giving surf lessons on Cowell's beach in Santa Cruz. I would be. I would be happy doing that.

I mean, I was thinking. I don't want to name names, but, like, I had a bad, like, marketing job right out of college, technically, like.

When I met you.

It's not my first job. Like, I worked for. Of my parents. I was a babysitter. I was a math tutor. But, like, I don't know. Those. Those were more, like, for pocket money when I was a kid.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. So we could change something about that first. Yeah, first, like, like, W2 job or like, job where, like, you had to pay taxes. Sure. On that money? Yeah, like. Well, yeah, when I worked at the surf place, like, I filled out all the. I was 16 years old. I filled out all the tax forms. I had taxes withheld. That was a real deal.

Don't let me talk about my parents paying taxes for hiring me. But, yeah, no, I. That was. It was not a good job. It was. But I would have that job for the rest of my life if it meant being able to keep you.

Well, I. So I. So I only turned it around on you.

If I could have two husbands, then sure, I'll marry my first sexual partner.

I only turned it around on you after I thought about it a little more. To be honest, when I was answering those, I was not thinking about you, Vanessa. I was thinking about my first sexual partner. And just like, yeah, we're. We're. We're two very different. Different people. It was. We. We were friends at the time. It was a very Good. It was very good and pretty healthy first sexual experience. But I don't think that we would have worked together in like a real relationship.

Well, mine. Yeah, mine was a very healthy, loving relationship. I haven't talked to him in years and years and years. But we were on friendly terms as adults, so it would not be a bad person.

Yeah, no, I like, for the sake of the game. I think that's a very respectful choice.

To have two husbands or this was like before I even met you. Like, you and I didn't exist and it was a choice between. I would. I would pick that.

Yeah. I mean, also, I do remember you had that first job when I met you and you were not. It sucked. You were not very happy with it. I would not want that for you just to be with me.

It was bad. All right, well, that wraps up our. Would you rather. We hope this has been entertaining, enlightening. Opens up some interesting conversations between you and your partner.

Yeah. Let us, let us know how those conversations go. How did it go listening to this episode with your partner? Did you have any good conversations?

Yeah. So actually share this episode on Instagram. Just take a little screenshot of it wherever you're listening to it. Put it in your stories, tag us, tell your friends, like, had a great conversation off of this game. Like, go listen to this episode. We'd love to see what you thought of it. It. So share that episode and then we will link a couple of things in the show. Notes for you. Our book Sex Talks. You can also just go straight to sextalks book.com if you want to order your copy. She's out there and that guide that we mentioned, next level Intercourse, to make sure intercourse is pleasurable and satisfying for both partners. I was listening to us talk about Next level intercourse and something recently and we said to make sure orgasm is pleasurable and satisfying instead of intercourse.

Wow. I hope orgasm is pleasurable and satisfying. But yes, we can definitely, through intercourse, help you have more pleasurable and satisfying, satisfying orgasms and intercourse.

Yeah, I heard that. I was like, oops.

Whoops. All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we get give new listeners a recap of our journey together, our business, all that good stuff. Even if you're an OG listener, you're definitely going to want to tune in.