Podcast

I recently discovered masturbation. After years of purity culture, it has been freeing to finally feel like I can discover pleasure without feeling like it's a sin. I went through my partner's phone because he follows lots of young women on Instagram and he likes to talk about women he knows during sex.

My husband gets very upset every time I have to travel and makes me feel incredibly guilty for leaving him to care for our kids while I'm gone. I set up everything. Schedule, meal prep, alternate pickups, childcare. Am I the asshole for wanting to have a few weeks a year to really focus on my career and get to see the world?

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are back today with a fan favorite series, Am I the asshole? So first we gotta give credit where credit is due. This trend emerged from Reddit. Originally there's a whole subreddit all called Am I the ass?

Aita.

But we thought it was such a fun idea. We thought, you know what, let's bring it over. Let's use this format as well. And so we've done specific Am I the asshole episodes around, like in laws and holiday drama. But we decided this time around, let's just open it up to a general like, am I the asshole? In any context, any situation, are you generally an asshole? So basically, is that what the title of this episode, Are you generally an asshole? Basically, the whole concept behind this is you share a challenging situation that you're finding yourself in that's leaving you wondering, like, am I the asshole in this situation? Am I in the wrong? Is this on me? Am I the problem?

Or is somebody else? Yeah, or everybody else.

The other person, maybe your partner.

The world at large.

So we posted this on Instagram. We got a lot of great stories and we are going to dive into them. Today we're talking about things like masturbating, journaling about your past relationship, going through your partner's feelings. Phone. So this is gonna be a fun one and also a really great one to listen to with your partner. This is gonna be a great Road trip episode or just like driving around doing some errands. Like listen to the prompt, pause it and the two of you share your thoughts and then press play and see if we agree with you. It's just like a great one to open up some conversations with your partner.

But first we gotta get into this week's review of the week and Review of the week. What the hell is that you might be asking? Well, we do a little giveaway every single week. If you hear your review read aloud, that means that you've won. And the reason we do this is because reviews are such an important way for our podcast to be able to grow and for other people to find out that we are an awesome podcast. So if you hear your review read, then you win. All you have to do is DM us on Instagram or email us at infomtherapy.com and we will hook you up with a free masterclass. So here's the winner. Forever Grateful Favorite Podcast so Forever grateful for Vanessa and Xander, this podcast, their courses and everything they do. I first found Vanessa when she was on Armchair Expert and then immediately binged all of the podcast episodes from the very start. Now I continue to look forward to each weekly airing on top of getting their content daily through their emails and their Instagram. Not only have the podcast been immensely helpful for my sex life, but also my relationship as a whole, helping us connect more physically and emotionally even 10 years in with my husband. Their courses are incredible and as well and highly recommend everything they do love and appreciate their down to earth, relatable, open and honest evidence based content. I have and continue to learn so much from Vanessa and Xander Hart.

Wow, that's a great review. Thank you so much for that.

I heart that review.

And if you. I know they mentioned our courses. If you do not know about our courses, if you've never checked them out, we have a ton of really fun ones and you can just go to vanessaandzander.com and find all of them there. All right, let's get right into it. I will read the first one. I recently discovered masturbation after years of pure.

I am. And I'm 14 years old. Nope.

No. That's just so innocent and pure.

I love it. I love it. This is a great start. This is a great start.

I recently.

We're not, we are not, we are not laughing at you to this. To this person. To be super clear, this is. This is really sweet.

Especially once you read the rest of the story. Okay. I recently discovered masturbation after years of purity culture. It has been freeing to finally feel like I can discover pleasure without feeling like it's a sin. Hell yeah. We love this. My husband, who grew up in it and shares the same faith as me, has become very curious about it. He says it's a huge turn on to hear about my masturbation. He likes to get into the details and asks a lot of questions questions. While I do sometimes enjoy sharing with him, his constant questioning about the last time I did it has started to make it feel like an interrogation. I do not feel like I should have to tell him. Every time I take care of myself and how I did it, etc. I feel like it kills the excitement and pleasure for me. While I don't mind sharing with him sometimes because it also brings me joy to see him get turned on. Sometimes I just want my time to be between me, myself and I. I do not use it as a way out of sex, but as a way to discover myself. Am I the asshole for not always sharing? Xander, what do you think? If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I have been using One Skin products for months and absolutely loving what they are doing for my face. Today I want to tell you a little bit about OS1. Did you know that the skin around your eyes can be 20 to 30 years biologically older than the rest of your face? It's up to five times thinner too, which makes it more vulnerable to things like wrinkles, sagging and cellular damage. So that's why OneSkin's founding team of scientists created OS One Eye. It's designed specifically for this ultra delicate eye area and has the highest concentration of their proprietary OS1 peptide. The first ingredient is scientifically proven to reverse skin's biological age. I've really been loving this eye cream. It's just a joy to use. I can totally see the impacts around my eyes and I'm so excited for you to get to try it as well. Founded by an all woman team of skin longevity scientists, One Skin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS1 peptide. The first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel and behave like its younger self. Get 15% off with Code Pillow at OneSkin C. That's 15 off OneSkin Co with Code Pillow. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them that we sent you. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin. With One Skin, your future self will thank you.

I'm just gonna come in hot and say no you are absolutely not the asshole for not always sharing. I do think it's really. It's really awesome that your husband enjoys this. And he's obviously super supportive of this. I think that he's.

Is he the asshole?

It's hard to call him an asshole. I think that it was hard to call him an asshole. Yet I think that this merits a conversation about, like, hey, I love that you love this, and I love that this turns you on. That's totally normal and sexy, and that my masturbation turns you on. And I do love talking with you about it. Sometimes it does feel like the frequency with which you're asking me about this is starting to impact my own ability to enjoy my own masturbation. So, like, I think that it's time to talk about, like, maybe. I don't know, taking down the number of questions that he asks about it. That's a tough thing to navigate. But what do you think about that?

I mean, I think these are two people who are coming out of purity culture, having this incredible exploration and realization that, you know, we can explore our own bodies. It doesn't have to be sinful. I think he's coming at this from a really pure and sweet place. It's like, oh, my God, I don't want to be embarrassed about this anymore. We can talk about it. It's super sexy to me. I think he's being really supportive and he's getting excited.

Yeah.

And maybe like, a little overly excited. But I don't blame him. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. And I appreciate that he's so curious about it and so turned on by it. So I really wanna be careful about not dampening that and also not dampening her exploration, because that's also an amazing thing. So, yeah, I think that this could merit a very gentle conversation where I would say something like, this is so exciting for me to be exploring masturbation for myself for the first time. And I'm so excited that you're excited by to. It's really turning me on. It just, you know, feels really fun for us to free ourselves from all these beliefs that we grew up with. And at the same time, I think sometimes. Okay, so here's what I do think is I think probably the questioning feels a little bit much because she's still grappling with peeling back the layers of the shame. So I don't think it's necessarily that he's like, you know, 20 questions like, where did you do it? And when did you do it? And how did you do it? And what did it feel like? And then what happened next? Like, I think probably he's just asking a couple questions, but she's still like, this feels weird because I feel like I'm told my whole life that it's a sin. So I would present it in that way and say, what I'm noticing is I love when you ask me questions, and I love when we want to talk about it. It really turns me on. And sometimes it still is bringing up a little bit of that shame for me that I spent my whole life feeling that I'm really trying to unpack. So maybe we could talk about it a little bit less as I get more comfortable with it. I would. I would present it more as, like, this is my shame and embarrassment rather than getting on him for saying, you're asking too many questions.

One other idea that I just had is like. And this would only be. If this sounds okay to you, the person writing in is, you could say, hey, I'm like, I'm totally fine with. And encourage you to ask me, when was the last time you masturbated? Because obviously he gets a zing out of that. Like, he's asking because he thinks it's hot. It's something that turns him on and gets him excited. So. But I think that what is coming up for you is that it's like, the, you know, the amount of questions, like, he. He is asking, when was the last time? But then he's also asking, like, how did you do it? What was it like? All these things. And you're saying that's starting to feel like an interrogation. So maybe it could be like, hey, if you ask me that question and I'm, like, open to sharing more details about it, or maybe I did something particularly notable and I do have more details to share with you. Then, like, I will share those details with you when you ask me. But, you know, it. It's very often or sometimes that, you know, sometimes the masturbation is just like a quick means to an end. I'm just, like, getting it done. And I don't really have any specific details to share with you. And so I would love for you to respect, you know, the. To respect how much I want to share with you or something like that, where it's like, you know, I'll. I'll. You know, I'll give you a simple answer. But, like, if I don't give you more, like, please don't drill down on the question.

I don't know. I just. I Don't think I would want to criticize him for asking questions knowing that they're both coming out of this purity culture place. Like, I want to. I totally understand what she's saying that she's like, I kind of want to keep a little bit of this to myself, which I think she's. She's absolutely within her right to do. Like, you get to have a relationship with your own body, with your own pleasure. Like, you're not an asshole for wanting to have a little bit of that to yourself. But I'm also feeling really sensitive to not making the. The husband feel like he's doing something bad or wrong when this is, like, just the beginning of a big change for them.

Yeah.

So what I would do, though, I think that there's a sexy way to kind of play with it where maybe if he's saying, like, okay, so first of all, if he's saying, like, tell me about the last time you did it. Just tell him about one of the times. It doesn't have to be the last time. If you have a time that you want to keep to yourself, you don't have to share it with him. Just tell him a different time. Or if he's asking, like, you know, tell me the last time you did it. You could be kind of sexy and be like, oh, well, that time was just for me. But maybe I'll tell you next time.

If you're a good boy.

Yeah, I mean, play into it. Play around with it.

Or like, yeah, or, oh, well, why don't you tell me about your last time? Or, yeah, how about I show you? Maybe I'll show you next time if you're good.

You should do both of those things, like, ask him to tell you if he's exploring his own masturbation, and you should definitely explore it together. We have a whole podcast episode about that. Mutual masturbation.

Yeah. I have a feeling that he might really enjoy doing it with you. If he is liking hearing about what you are doing. What better. Way better to see it than to just hear about it?

Yeah. So I think you could be kind of, like, playful and sexy about it too.

Also, I would venture a guess, like you said, this is you. You guys just discovering this. I would venture a guess that within the next year, the frequency with which he asks these questions will naturally decrease as it becomes less sort of of a taboo feeling thing. I think that, you know, often once you start doing something new that still feels taboo, like, I mean, you have to kind of work through. Be like, oh, yeah, like, you lean into the taboo nature of it. Right. That's how we first come out of like, you know, shifting from like shame to taboo with a little bit of a zing to like just everyday normal stuff that doesn't really have any layer of taboo or shame. Because yeah, for, for, you know, I think the ideal is that masturbation doesn't feel like it. It definitely doesn't feel shameful. It doesn't even feel taboo. It just feels like this is something that people do.

Yeah.

And I think that that will happen soon. Likely.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Okay. I gotta be honest, it is such a joy to get to read this ad for you because I love this company so much and that is Hungryroot. They are the most incredible. I don't even want to call them a meal delivery service because it's so much more than that. It's like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped up in one.

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Okay, here's our next one. We have been together for over six years and about a year ago he was in a play and rekindled a friendship with a female. We started struggling and he went to her for everything. They were texting all the time and I told him I wasn't comfortable with the frequency and him sharing about our marriage with another female. He said I'm controlling and wouldn't stop. They were even talking about sexual books and her new sex life after her divorce just seemed inappropriate to me. He finally stopped when I was ready to divorce because of it. Now if she reaches out or her name is brought up, he gets annoyed I'm not allowed to ask questions, even though he broke boundaries multiple times with her. Just emotional, not sexual. Am I the asshole for seeking some closure on this topic?

Okay, so many thoughts. I kind of want to answer the, like, am I the asshole? Just about the, the female friendship thing, but it seems like we're beyond that. It's now we're kind of talking about the, the aftermath of this. She's no longer. Well, let's, let's go back to it. I, I think that the topic of opposite sex friendships, or even same sex friendships, different sex friendships, friendships with the gender that you tend to be attracted to, it's hard. It's like such a mouthful to say it, but like, if you're attracted to other men, friendships with men, if you're attracted to other women, friendships with other women, whatever. Friendships with people that you could potentially be attracted to. That's obviously such a landmine of a topic. And I think it's something that there are no hard and fast rules about in general. I think it's something that every couple needs to decide for themselves. For me personally, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of like, let's use our relationship as an example because you're attracted to women. I feel really uncomfortable in our relationship making a rule that you're not allowed to be friends with women. And I think that actually you being friends with women is a good sign, like, that you can have friendships, that you can have that kind of emotional connection, that you can have other women in your life. Like, I think that's a really good thing. I hate that. I think most people would say, like, I don't want my partner, you know, I wouldn't want my husband being friends with other women. I think most people would say that, and I think that's really a bummer. That being said, I also understand that there are a lot of friendships where boundaries get crossed, lines get crossed, and this one is kind of like, ugh, I would love to hear from the husband, because I'm not totally sure it sounds like the wife here. She was just angry about him being friends with another woman, period. And prob. My guess is that she may have been reading into like a little bit of stuff, but at the same time she says, like, he's going to her for everything. So maybe there is this sense that there's like a little bit of emotional cheating going on, but it sounds like.

Things ratcheted up like first, first. It's like first it's like, okay, we're having problems in our marriage and this person is now the first person that my partner is going to about our problem.

I think that's a bad thing.

No, no, I know, but so, but I'm just saying first that is happening. So that's the context in which everything is happening. So I'm not saying it's right, but I can understand that there's sort of this frustration where it's like. Because also it's like they've just rekindled the friendship. So yeah, maybe I don't, I don't know the history of like, were they super close a long time ago? But it, I could see the perspective of, hey, this is just this like brand new friend or newish friendship that you have. And now this is like your go to person to talk about this stuff that, where, you know, maybe you're feeling some resentment. Like, hey, like how come we aren't talking about how come we aren't figuring this out? So then there's that, but then there's the ratcheting up of like talking about sexual books and then her sex life. Like, I don't know.

It's unclear though.

Yeah, it's unclear, but I could see where it's like when you stack all those things up, you start making connections that may not be there, but then. But it does feel inappropriate.

Yeah, I mean, it's like if the conversation with her saying like, oh, I'm reading Acotar, man, these books are so sexy. Everybody's reading them. That's one thing. If she's saying like, oh, I read this chapter about XYZ and I thought of you and it's so hot and heavy and now I can't get it out of my mind. Like, that's obviously inappropriate. But yeah, so I'm like, I think that this sounds like it has crossed over into inappropriate territory. But of course, like, we'd have to talk to him to really know the full story. But anyways, we're past that point now. So now she said, the wife said, said, I'm gonna divorce you unless you stop. He gave in to that. Now where they are at is that she like, whenever this friend reaches out or her name is brought up, the husband is shutting it down and saying, don't ask me any questions. I don't wanna talk about her. And so this wife is wondering, am I the asshole for this? I kind of think yeah. Like if you said, if you gave him that ultimatum Like, I will divorce you unless you stop your friends. This woman, he gave into that and said, fine, I won't be friends with her anymore. I don't think you're allowed to, like, keep asking him a bunch of questions about her unless there's, like, new stuff happening, but just going back and rehashing like, well, what was that conversation you had? And why did you do that with her? And why did you talk to her about that? Like, that's not useful for either of you.

Yeah, I mean, he's. He's probably like, look, you set a boundary. I. I followed. I followed it, and now it feels like you're, like, trying to get me to wade into murky waters. Like, you said you didn't want to. You said you didn't want me talking about her, but now you're trying to get me to talk about her.

I could see it feels like a trap.

Yeah, it feels like a trap. And also, like, yeah, he's allowed to have some feelings that, like, he obviously didn't agree with you about this boundary. He did not. He didn't agree with your boundary, but he decided to abide by it because he clearly wanted to be with you more than he wanted to keep that friendship. Right. And so he's allowed to say, hey, I. I don't love the fact I. I disagreed with you conceptually about whether I should be allowed to be friends with her. I told you that I don't love this boundary, but I'm. But I'm gonna do it so I can. He's allowed to be. Like, so, yeah, like, I did everything you said. Now please don't talk to me about her.

Yeah.

Again, I don't. You know, it. It's hard for me. Like, this was something I didn't want to not be friends with her. Like, she was a good friend of mine, and now I'm not friends with her. And so it's like, you know, it's like rubbing salt in my wounds when we talk about it. Now. The thing that I don't know is, like, you know, what truly was the boundary that you set? If it was unclear as to how much had happened, and you were like, I don't want you to talk to her. And I also need to know all the details of everything that happened as a condition for us not getting a divorce, and he hasn't followed through on that, then, yeah, you're allowed to be. Continue asking questions or trying to get closure. But from what you've written here, it sounds like you just said the boundary Is you're not communicating with her anymore. And now he's like, yeah, I did that. So we're done talking. Like, this isn't a topic that we bring up anymore.

The only thing that gives me pause is she said, like, now if she reaches out, I'm like, yeah, I'm not.

Sure what's going on.

How often is this woman reaching out? How many times has she reached out? That seems a little strange. And I do think, like, if I was the wife, I would feel weird if you were being squirrely about that. If you were like, I don't want to talk about it. It's like, well, at least tell me, when did she reach out? What did she say? How did you respond? I think that for me, it's like, if it's something new that is happening, I think you're allowed to ask questions about that. But I would not say. I don't think you can go back and say, well, tell me again about that conversation you had or tell me again what she said about da da da. That's just not useful.

Yeah, it's unclear if he had like a proper friend breakup with her. Like, did he say, hey, I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm like, I can't talk to you anymore. Yeah, like, it, it's. It's you or my relationship. I'm choosing my relationship. I'm sorry. I. I wish it wasn't this way, but like, this is. This friendship isn't going to work for me anymore. Yeah, like, it's as much. I think a lot of people don't think they should need to or don't want to have a friend break up. It would be crazy to be like, to like, you know, ghost a partner. Like, you know, someone that you're married to. Yeah, right. Or like a super long. I mean, I don't agree with ghosting ever, but like, you know, a long term relationship, right? Like, no, you have to break up. And I think if you're gonna. If you don't want to talk to another friend anymore or you can't talk to that friend for whatever reason, I do think it is on you to set that boundary with a friend. So I wonder if he hasn't done that. So I think that maybe the only closure that you can get here is if he hasn't done that, say, hey, the fact that she keeps reaching out is a problem. And that's one of the reasons why I keep wanting to ask you about this. I think that what needs to happen is you need to tell Her? No. Or maybe just block her or whatever it is because that seems maybe like the appropriate closure here.

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This is, this is reminding me of what? What was the one a couple weeks ago?

The. Oh, the husband who wanted her to role play as the best friend.

Are these the same people? Is he like, all right to even.

Do the rest of this one? Yeah, that guy's an asshole if he's talking about other women during sex. Unless you, you are super into this and really turned on by. It's like, we can just stop here.

Sorry, I'm like imagining it's that guy. Like, he heard the episode a couple weeks ago. He's like, all right, all right, fine, I'll stop asking about your best friend. But I am going to talk about all the young. The young women I follow.

You know, What? There was a more recent one of the partner talking about her sister.

Oh, that's what I mean. That's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, the sister. All right, fine. Sister. Off limits. Instagram thirst traps. Let's go.

No, but that's not. He likes to talk about women he knows during sex.

Oh, these are not related.

Yeah, he's following young women on Instagram.

Well, he might feel like he knows them.

He's talking about women he knows during sex.

Oh, boy.

No, he's the asshole. Oh, my God.

All right, well, keep reading. The question's not over. This is just the beginning.

That's one sentence. It's a long paragraph. Okay. I felt compelled to see what he was doing on his phone that I didn't know about. I found that he had saved sexy pics and masturbation videos from other women, as well as a couple of pictures from my diary.

This is just. This is just getting out of control quickly.

There's so many layers to this one. Oh, my God. I came clean to him about it, and he said it wasn't the same thing as cheating, that he had looked at my diary before. He asked about it being private, so he didn't know. Wait, hold on. I love how the diary is just, like, thrown in here along with sexy Instagram girls. Okay, he didn't know that the diary was private, okay? Bullshit, dude. And then I was in the wrong because he has asked me to not go through his phone before, so I was in the wrong. We've moved on. No, you should not move on.

I mean, you should. You. I. I would. I'm gonna say you should move on as a breakup.

Yeah, we've moved on. And he says he has deleted all the pics and videos, but he's refused to show me actual proof that he did. I'm trying to trust him, but I just want some confirmation that it's true. Am I the asshole for wanting to see that proof?

Fuck the proof. That's what I say, like, move on from the proof.

This one's crazy. It's like you're asking, am I the asshole about the wrong thing. Yeah, the whole rest of this.

This is an extreme violation.

Oh, my God.

On a lot of levels.

Okay, Xander, Like, I would lead us through this. Who's the asshole here?

I would say, like, there's so many layers of this, and it's like, any. If it was just any one of these, I think there were. There are a lot of things that you could do to repair and to move on. I'm concerned about the combination of all of these things. To be really clear, I do not.

Think you should have moved on. Let's answer the overall question of who's the asshole? Just for these behaviors.

He is being. It's manipulative, it's gaslighty, it's turning it back around on you. He did a number of things to violate your trust. Now he's making up a reason why you actually violated his trust, and now, like, turning it back around on you, and it's like, oh, what, you don't trust me?

Oh, God. Okay, so I kind of want to go through the things one by one. So the following young women on Instagram, that is a tricky one. We've talked a little bit about that, but I feel like that might need to be a podcast episode at some point. Thirst tribes, like, there. Yeah. To me, this is another situation where there is no objective, like, black or white, right or wrong kind of thing. Everybody's gonna have different viewpoints about this, and every couple needs to talk about what are their boundaries and their comfort.

Levels, ideally, early on in the relationship. If you haven't, today would be a good day to talk about that.

Yeah. Pause this episode right now and have that conversation. So, for me, personally, like, I don't love the idea of you following a bunch of accounts just because you think women are sexy. Like. Like, I think that that's. A lot of the accounts are really creepy. I think it's objectifying. It's just. I'm just kind of like, why? Like, I don't mind that you think other women are attractive. I don't mind you us being out in the. In the world, and you're like, wow, that woman's so hot. She has such a great butt. Like, that's totally fine with me. I don't mind, like, watching movies or TV shows. And, you know, we often have a lot of conversations about that. Oh, do you think she's pretty? I think she's prettier. Like, I think that's totally fine. Just because we are in a relationship doesn't mean you lose your attraction to everybody else. But to me, there is something about, like, actively seeking out accounts that are going to, like, for the purpose of turning you on.

Yeah.

And, like, following specific people, that just feels weird to me. And it would be weird even if it was, like, I don't know, like, some movie star that you were really into that was. It was just about her being so hot. I'd be like, I don't know. That feels kind of weird to me. Why why are you doing that?

Yeah, but then again, not everyone is going to agree with that. Some people are going to be like, no, fuck yeah, I love that. I love that you're getting turned on by other people and you're bringing that sexual energy back to me. This is a, this is a relationship by relationship, person by person thing that, you know, everyone's got to evaluate what that feels like for them, then what it feels like in your relationship and come to an agreement. Just like how different people are going to feel different ways about monogamy or about marriage or about having kids. It's not just like, oh, well, I think I should be able to do that. And therefore it doesn't matter what you think. Just like you'd be like, oh, I want to have kids and you don't. So I'm forcing you to like, no. These are conversations we have to have and compromises have to be made or we have to move on because we aren't in alignment from a values perspective.

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I'm 99% positive that's not you.

That's not the case. Yeah, if he's just randomly bringing up, like, oh, yeah, Betty from accounting. That's so gross, man.

You should have seen Betty and Janice today.

I don't know why I always come up with the worst names when I'm doing, like, fake scenarios. So, yeah, that's not cool. Saving sexy pictures and masturbation videos from other women. What is the context here? Like, is he sexting with other women.

Or are these, like, clips of porn that he's saved?

Like, yeah, like, the context could really, really change the situation around here. Like, if he's saving. If he's texting masturbation videos with other women, like, totally not okay. Again, unless you guys have explicitly said, we are totally okay with that, which I don't think is the case since you haven't explicitly mentioned this. And then we get to the diary, which is, like, kind of in a different. Totally different ballpark. But I think diaries are pretty obvious. I don't think someone needs to be told, like, oh, if your partner has something that they're writing in and are tucking it away in their bedside, like, don't go reading shit that your partner has written unless they explicitly say, like, hey, I want you to read something.

Or ask. At least ask them.

At least ask them, hey, can I read this?

Is this public?

Also, he was taking fucking pictures of it.

That's the problem.

Knew that it was secret. You didn't take pictures of something that you didn't think was supposed to be secretive.

Yeah, that's the cherry on top for me. And also, I want to know what the fuck was he doing with those pictures. I would be concerned that he was sending them to people. I mean, at this, he's violated.

Why is he sending her diary to other people?

I mean. I mean, he's getting, like, masturbation. Like, he's engaging in all kinds of.

Oh, you think it's a dirty diary? I thought it was just, like, dirty diary. Today I had a really nice day.

But why? So why is he taking pictures? Like, that's. That's what's happening in my mind. I'm like, well, why is he Taking pictures, if not to, like, exchange those. I. I don't know. But I'm worried given all the other things that are going on. But then again, I'm like. I'm like, who cares? He's already violated so many things that are obviously not feeling okay to you, where it's like adding one more thing and doesn't really matter.

Yeah. Okay, so these are a lot of violations, and it scares me a little bit. For you, my dear listener, who wrote in about this, like, it scares me a little bit that it scares me a lot that there's not any acknowledgment from you of, like, these were a lot of foundry violating things or, like, even saying, like, I'm not sure how to feel about these. It scares me that you go straight to, like, we've moved on. So I really want you to go back and, like, reconsider all of these things and, you know, maybe make some space for, like, you're allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to communicate, like, your needs and boundaries to him.

You deserve to be respected.

So let's go back then to the central question that she's asking. Like, I want to see proof that he actually did delete all of this. You are absolutely not the asshole for wanting to see proof. And I really think that you should demand that proof, and if you don't get it, walk away. I mean, I would already consider walking away from. I would.

I would. I would not. I cannot, in good conscience, based on what you've written here, recommend that you stay with this person. Even if you do get proof. I would say. I would say screw the proof. You don't need. Like, it. That's not going to help you. He's. He's violated so many things, and he's done it in. In the way that he has manipulated you into moving on, which I'm putting in quotes. The way that he's manipulated you into moving on, turning this all around on you. Yeah.

Because he actually says you were in the wrong because he asked you not to go through his phone.

Yeah. Whereas you didn't ask him. Whereas you didn't ask him to not go through your diary. Like. Like, that's his. Like, that's. That's. That is crazy. Yeah, that is totally crazy to me. So, yeah, I. Please break up with this person. And I. Because I just. Even if he gives you all the proof that you're asking for, I can with almost near certainty guarantee you that he is going to continue some or all of this behavior without your knowledge, I mean, he's just going to get smarter about it.

I feel like I just want to give our little disclaimer that like, of course it's easy for us to pop off on situations. We're just getting a paragraph. We don't know the whole history. We're not hearing any of his side. So I do want to acknowledge that there is always more to the story than what we get. But yeah, I. This is a tough one. This is a really tough pill to swallow.

The only way that I would be convinced that, okay, maybe you guys can move on from this is if what you were saying is that he was like, oh my God, I can see how violating all these things were. I was. I. I was. You know, I don't know. He gives. Give some explanation for why he was thinking that was okay and why he now understands why that was, why that is not okay now and was not okay then. And understands and really feels like the ways that he violated and hurt you.

Yeah.

And takes accountability for that. I haven't seen anything about that. And in fact, he's basically just saying no. Actually, everything I did is okay. Now you're telling me it's not okay. So I won't do it, I promise. But I won't show you anything. And you know, most people in that situation would be like, oh my God, I. I have really violated your trust. I need to take extra measures.

Yeah.

To help rebuild that trust and to show you and prove to you that this is not happening. He's not doing that. Which is why I'm saying I'm. I'm venturing a guess, but I think that I'm right that he is continuing to do this stuff.

Yeah. Okay, let's move on to the next one. That one got me heated.

Alright, moving on. I started a job after my maternity leave that has evolved and now travel a few times a year for work. My husband gets very upset every time I have to travel and makes me feel incredibly guilty for leaving him to care for our kids while I'm gone, which is three to five days at a time. I set up everything. Schedule, meal prep, alternate pickups, childcare, everything before I leave. But it still leads to multiple phone calls and guilt trips while I'm gone. And after, Am I the asshole for wanting to have a few weeks a year to really focus on my career and get to see the world?

No.

No.

Next.

No, you are not.

This one's gonna get me heated too.

I mean, unless. Unless you got into a relationship where part, you know, part of that was we are, you know, we are agreeing to go with traditional gender roles and I'm committing to being at home and not working and doing the majority of the childcare. And I mean, even then you should be able to go away for a couple of days. I mean, who. Like, like if, like, heaven forbid, there's a death in your family and you have to go away, like, the whole family is not going to go. Like, whether it's work or some other disaster, like, you need to be able to go away for a couple of days and your husband needs to be able to be a fucking parent.

Yeah. This just feels so ridiculous to me. So, I mean, like, yes, you are allowed to have to travel for work. This isn't even for fun. It's not like you're saying, like, yeah, a couple times a year, I'm just like, going off for funsies.

Yeah, girls, party, trip for work.

Sure. Maybe there's some part of it where it's nice to get to, like, be, you know, just have the bed all to yourself or like, be in a different city. But, like, you're going for work and I'm assuming that you're using at least part of your paycheck to support your family. So, like, I hate that he's making you feel like this is something you're doing to him, but then to make it even worse, you are doing all of the work here. Like, all of the work.

Yeah. You don't need to do all this setup.

He's not a child. These are his freaking kids. Like, you're just asking him to. It's not even, like, be a dad because there's literally everything else is all set for him. There's hardly anything he has to do here.

I mean, this is maybe too topical, but, like, if you were to die in a plane crash, he would need to just become the full 100% parent to those kids. Meaning he would need to be able to do all those things. It's not reasonable to be like, I can't do those and I'm unable to learn how to do them. I'm unable to do them for three to five days at a time.

Yeah. This is crazy. So not only are you not the asshole, like, I think that you should be able to have this time, I think you should be able to enjoy yourself absolutely guilt free. But I think you need to rejigger things. So he's helping out more with these trips.

I mean, helping.

Yeah.

No, don't use that word.

He is participating more like, he's. You're not having to do the schedule and the meal prep and the alternate pickups and the childcare and everything else. Like, he can arrange some of those things too.

Yeah, I mean, I think that this needs to be a real, simple and clear conversation. Hey, I am done with you guilt tripping me. Not only that, not only will you not give me a hard time for traveling, for work, while I, you know, what I do to further my career and support my family. Not only that, I will no longer be doing all these extra things to make it easy on you. You are just as much of a parent as I am, and we both need to be able to do these things. So from here on out, I'm going on the trip, and I'm not setting up the schedule or the meal prep or the alternate pickups. You can do that because we both need to be able to do this.

I mean, I wouldn't go in that hot, not for the first conversation. And I do always like to, like, yes, I'm getting a little heated about it. But, like, I do also like to try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean, this one's hard, though. Cause she's saying, he gets very upset. Makes me feel incredibly guilty. I think this couple's gonna need to have therapy. You're gonna need a therapist to help guide you through these conversations. I think if you go in hot, like what Xander was saying, it's just going to be a massive fight. Like, he will not respond well to that, unfortunately. It sounds to me like you're going to really have to ease your way into this conversation with him in order to get into a good place. Which is why I would recommend working with a therapist. But, yeah, I think you guys really need to reevaluate and renegotiate your rules and responsibilities in your relationship here. Like, I mean, to be realistic, like, yes. Even with taking care of everything, like, you have done, like, three to five days at a time when you're the sole parent, that for sure is challenging. I don't want to downplay that at all. I think anybody in that position would be like, yeah, it's really tough to be the one and only parent in that situation. So that is real. And at the same time, like, that is the reality of your job and that's the reality of partnership that we, you know, we take turns, we take care of each other, we have each other's backs. So there needs to be a new agreement negotiated here. Because I'm sure there's plenty of things that. Plenty of ways that you're carrying the flack for him.

Yeah. And, hey, just throwing him a bone. This could. It's possible this is a situation where he is just not aware that the things that he is saying are making you feel this way. It's possible there's some degree of misunderstanding here where he thinks he's joking around, and to you, you're. You're taking it like, you know, he's really angry, and maybe there's a slight chance that maybe there's a conversation you have about this and he understands. Oh, my God. I'm actually, like. What I am saying is coming off very different to my partner, and I need to moderate the way that I talk about this. So maybe. Maybe.

Okay. I need to know if I'm the asshole here. My previous partner, an example. We broke up because he found a journal. Another journal.

Should we do a journal edition? Oh, man.

He found a journal. One of those that you write simple sentences about what happened in your day. The journal is meant to record five years of your life. Oh, yeah. That was like, one sentence a day for five years kind of journal. Okay. In this journal, I had recorded years prior moments in a previous relationship, from quirky moments to sad and frustrating things. The journal also had the breakup of that relationship. He found this journal one day prior to my birthday. He didn't tell me. He was just off during my birthday. After he told me, I threw away the journal to reassure him. He claimed that I cheated. I need to know, was I the asshole that cheated, or was I just a person with a history and a journal? I'm happily married with a little baby girl. I just always wondered if in some world this was considered cheating.

No. What? Having a life before you were in a partnership with someone.

Oh, my God. Okay, so he's an ex. Thank God. I'm really glad that he's an ex.

So I don't even understand what would.

Be cheating about years before, you had written down some memories from a previous relationship. This is crazy.

The thing that one thing I can think of which is still crazy to me, but if he's like, the fact that you kept anything, any sign, memento, memory, even though you can't erase your memory in your brain, like, which is why this is crazy. But, like, if. If his perspective was keeping any reminder and bringing that into our shared household or whatever, that that is somehow cheating, I. I don't think he's crazy enough to be like, oh, the fact that you were with somebody before we were together is like, Preemptive cheating on me. Like, I don't think that's what it is, but I think it might be this, like the idea that like, you're bringing any memory of it, which I think is ridiculous because you can't erase the memories in your mind.

Yeah. That is so weird. Yeah, to me, this one's a pretty straightforward and simple one. Like, you were definitely not the asshole. He's real worked up over some journal jottings from quite a long time ago.

Yeah, I mean, this sounds like a really insecure person and I'm glad that it's an ex because I think. Yeah, you, you. I'm sorry that you got accused of cheating. That's. That's wild. Yeah, to me. But I mean, even, even, you know, from the perspective that I just shared, that he might be having, like, no, that's absolutely not cheating. And again, like, with journals, people, if you see a journal, don't read it. Partners. Hey, I get it. I get it that you're probably curious. I get it that maybe you, you might want to know what's in there. Ask your partner. Yeah, ask your partner. Say, hey, I found this. Is this private? And like, you know, if they're like, oh my God, this is this really embarrassing thing, like, maybe don't ask them about it. But if it's like, oh yeah, it's a journal. And like, if you're curious, like, hey, are you open to telling me anything about it or, you know, or just.

Let people have some friggin privacy. I'm allowed to vent my life. Little journal. We don't always have to share everything.

Yeah.

All right, bring us on home with our last one.

All right, the home stretch. My partner started a new job. A few weeks in, he starts talking with this new breathy vocal fry voice. Obviously picked it up from a new coworker. I have misophonia, which is strongly negative and atypical emotional and physiological response to certain common repetitive sounds. And I absolutely cannot stand it. I've asked him to be aware of it and stop and he just can't. I hate it so much and it upsets me so much. I point it out every time he does it. His voice and way of speaking is completely changing. He sounds like a bad actor playing a cheerleader in a 90s Rom com. Am I the asshole for asking him to go back to his old voice?

Oh my God, this one's so funny.

This reminds me of how, like my iPhone updated and my Siri voice sounds different and I don't like the new One. But I don't think I can make it go back.

Okay. This one is so funny to me. I. So I am a person who can be a little bit of a parrot. If I spend a lot of time with somebody who has a certain thing that they always say, certain words they always say or phrases or vocal tics, like, I pick up on them too. So I can empathize a little bit with the partner. I probably would be doing the same thing. But I can also really empathize with Sony feeling like I don't like this new voice. Stop doing it. So I don't think that you're the asshole for asking to be conscious of his voice and like, try to speak like he normally. Because also, like, I think people's voices are a big part of our attraction to them too. Yeah, that's kind of part of the package. And if you feel like I don't even recognize who is this person that I'm talking to. That's strange.

Yeah. I mean, we generally do not assume that our partner's voices are going to change appreciably, maybe over the entirety of your relationship as you get older, like much older. But for the most part, I think year to year, the assumption is that your voice sounds the same.

We do have something like a little bit similar that's been happening recently in our relationship.

I'm glad you brought it up. I was. I kind of wanted to bring it up. But it's more your thing to bring up than mine.

I can share. So Xander has started. When he's scrolling through reels, you have this giggle that you do that I have never heard you do before. You don't do it in any other context. It's just when you're going through reels.

It's. Cause I didn't used to really watch reels. And recently I discovered that it's kind of fun. But my algorithm sucks now and I kind of don't want it.

No, but you don't even do it when you're laughing at other things. Like, we watch lots of other funny shows or whatever. Like we have lots of other funny experiences together. You don't laugh like that. You only laugh like this with reels. And it's high pitched and it's really weird and it gives me the ick.

And it gives me a lot of joy.

And I. And it's so I understand this where like on the one hand it's. It's not something that you're actively trying to do. You're not trying to laugh that way. And you're certainly not trying to turn me off. And I hate that it's bothering me because I know that it's something that's happening in moments when you're feeling a lot of joy and you're entertained, you're excited in those moments. But I also have such a visceral reaction to it. That sound. I can't do that sound. It has a real impact on me. So it's a. It's a tricky situation. I get it.

Yeah. I mean, I've been trying to moderate. It's tough. Cause it's like a. It's involuntary. But, yeah. I mean, this is at least. That's not like. It's not like something I've. That has worked its way into my voice 100% of the time.

Thank God. The solution is just for you to not watch Instagram reels.

Yeah, man. I mean, the only. This is just a funny question. Like, I like, has your partner's voice, like, does his voice change a lot when he's around other people? Is this like a brand new thing that's never happened before? I'm like, this is really curious.

I don't know, maybe he could, like, talk to a speech therapist or something. There might be something going on. I don't know. It does seem odd that it's kind of out of nowhere because I. Like I said I'm a parrot, but I've been that way my whole life. I've known that that's something that I do.

But for you, it's more like picking up a word or phrase or a certain inflection on a word. It's not like, oh, your voice, your entire voice has changed, or your entire accent has changed.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think anyone's the asshole here. I understand. I sympathize with it. And I also. Yeah. I don't think your partner is trying to do it. And it probably. Yeah. Feels kind of weird and tough for him, too.

Yeah. I mean, I think that maybe you'd be the asshole if it was like, this has to stop and I'm breaking up with you if it doesn't. But like.

But also, she has misophonia.

Yeah. I do also understand. I feel misophonia. I mean, this is the unfortunate reality of having. That is needing to navigate that with your partner and, you know, knowing that sometimes they're things that your partner is going to do that would not bother most people, but do bother you, and you can't control that. So. Oh, yeah, it's so tricky. I mean, you're definitely not the asshole for this. I think this is just a conversation you guys are gonna have to have and figure out what kind of support he might need in order to revert.

Yeah. So this topic is just. Am I the asshole? I don't think you are the asshole, but I also don't know how to solve this one.

Yeah, this is a. I mean, I'm curious if we have any speech therapists or messages. Anyone who has had a partner with a. With a overnight vocal change.

I don't know how to.

How do you handle that? Yeah, there's always something new on this podcast. I know.

Come teach us something new. Please come on over to Instagram at Vanessa and Xander and let us know if you have any thoughts on this one, because I'm pretty stumped. It's fun to get one where you're totally stumped. All right, well, that wraps up this batch of Am I the Asshole? Like I said before, we do have a bunch of other ones if you like this theme. We have the in Laws 1, the holiday edition. So just search. Wherever you listen to podcasts, you can just search Pillow talks. Am I the asshole? Or probably even just asshole will bring it up and let us know. Just search asshole, Pillow talks, Asshole. And let us know if there's any other theme that you would love to see us do, too. Like a specific.

Like my diary theme.

Diary theme. Yeah. Who knew that we would have two related to diaries? That's so funny. And you can also follow us on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. That's Xander with an X. We do a lot of fun polls over there. We're always putting up our question box prompts to help create these episodes. So we love having people following us in both arenas.

Well, that's all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday. Thursday.