5 Ways to STOP Abandoning Yourself in Love, Purpose & LIFE
Aaron Doughty explains how childhood survival mechanisms like seeking parental approval create lifelong people-pleasing and self-abandonment. He outlines five ways to break the cycle: release limiting beliefs about validation, practice vulnerability in relationships, stop managing parents' emotions, set boundaries with friends, and ground yourself in your body instead of over-tuning to others.
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We spend most of our lives intending to not be abandoned by other people, intending to not be rejected, to feel worthy, to feel and to get the validation from other people. And what we do is we end up abandoning ourselves in the process of gaining the attention and the validation of other people. And in so many ways in my own life, I have abandoned myself to make others happy because it was in a way a survival mechanism from childhood. Many of you watching this, you may have had trauma or certain experiences when you were a kid. And what you had to do is you had to tune your own energy to other, to other people, to, parental dynamics, your grandparents, and you had to tune a lot of times to their emotions and their rules. And what happened is you're then looking to them to then see if you're acting in line, in accordance with how they expect you to, so that you can gain their validation. Maybe they withheld their validation. Maybe you weren't easily given it. And what happens is then, through life, you're in this pattern survival mechanism where other people's validation and other people's attention or other people's sense of approval gives you your sense of safety, your sense of worthiness. And what happens is your desires, your emotions, your intentions get put to the side so that you can please other people and make them happy. This can work in love dynamics. I'm gonna share with you how I broke through those and how that completely changed my life. This can work in your job. Maybe you're not really going after what you're passionate about because you care what other people will think of you. You don't wanna fail other people. And in health, there's every area of life this can work in. This can be a part of. Even think about it with health. Think about there's somebody that maybe you're of a certain weight and you have friends that are also like that. And you're afraid that if you start becoming active, then you're gonna ditch them. You're gonna lose them out of your life. This is like a lot of times a subconscious thing. But if we simply make the shift back into stop abandoning ourselves and in our own frame, it changes everything. And in this episode, you're gonna learn the 5 ways that we abandon ourselves and how we can stop doing that right meow. Meow. Right meow. So what actually inspired this episode is I just got done doing a week-long training where I was going live for sometimes 3 hours a day, training people how to go full-time doing what they love. And I teach like, you know, my buddy Victor and I do this and we show people how to go full-time, the mindset shift that is needed, how to grow on social media, how to get coaching clients. You know, it's mainly for coaches, psychics, and healers, or people that wanna be that, learning how to do that full-time. And one of the biggest blocks people came up with is, and they were expressing, was caring what other people thought and being afraid to put themselves out there. Like if they were to put their energy out there or their videos out there, like what will my friends and family think? And this is an interesting thing too, even for myself. When I first started making content online, I wasn't as worried about the people that were new to me if they gave me a negative comment or they didn't like me. But the, it's fun on Instagram, as I started growing it, I had like 10,000 followers on Instagram, then 20, then 30, then 40. And then just, it kept growing. But I remember in the beginning, I wasn't worried about the 20,000 or 30,000 followers. I was worried about the 400 people that I followed that were friends from high school, people that I actually knew. What would they think of me? Friends and family. Would they think I'm weird if I'm talking about this esoteric law of attraction stuff? And I've held myself back a lot when I was making content because I was tuning and making content that fit within a certain box just to make those 200 to 400 people not think that I'm weird. I would, in a way, neglect what I really wanted to say, what I was really passionate about, for the 200 to 400 people instead of thinking of even the 20 to 30,000 people that would actually like what is authentically me that I wanna express. It's an interesting psychological thing, but I remember holding myself back. So even when, people are sharing with me in this Full Time Purpose Challenge that they're afraid of caring what other people think, it was obvious to me that I've been there. I remember when I first had a YouTube video go out back in 2016, 2017, it was on life purpose. You can go to my YouTube channel and separate the videos by date. You'll see it there. This is back in 2016, one of my first videos ever. I made like 2 or 3 videos and then I waited like 6 months because it, Things weren't working out or wasn't moving as fast as I want. And then in February 2017, that's when I went daily. That's what changed everything was the commitment to that dream reality. Now, when I first put that video out there though, I remember texting my mom. My mom was like the only one I could ask to like, like my video on Facebook so that I could like, feel good about, like anyone that I had the balls to ask to like a post on Facebook. Friends, other family, wouldn't really ask them. Mom, I called my mom, "Mom, can you like my photo on Facebook or my video on Facebook? I just posted my first video." And I was worried it wouldn't get likes. It did get likes. I think it got like, you know, 40, 50 likes or whatever, but I was so self-conscious of it. I really cared what other people thought. And that was something that, that kind of carried with me for a long time. And a lot of it, just so you know, when you push, the way through these blocks, the way to get through these blocks is through it, not around it, not avoiding it, to go through it. There was even my sisters in the beginning, I love my sisters, but they were, who are you making YouTube videos for, your 8 subscribers? Yeah, Aaron, go make videos for your 8 YouTube subscribers. And I'd be like, "Hahaha." And I would go make my fricking video. And I'm like, "Yeah, I guess there are only 8 people watching." But I just went through it. I was like, "Whatever, they're my sisters, they're giving me shit." And then many of you know my story from 7 to 15 years old. I had my ex-stepmom in my life who was mentally, emotionally, physically abusive. When I was 15, my dad finally divorced her. When my dad divorced her, I never really had to have her in my life again. But those are my sisters, that's their real mom. It was my stepmom until 15. And then my sisters though, that's their real mom. So what I would hear when I was making videos living at my dad's house in 2017 is they would come back from their mom's house and they would be making fun of me because their mom would be brainwashing them or they would be like telling me about how her mom was mimicking my videos. Like, "I'm my name is Aaron Doughty and I expand consciousness." And they would like, she would like make fun of the videos I was making, I would hear about this and I'd be like, damn, you know, and this is obviously a wound 'cause it's the ex-stepmom wound, like the one person that caused me a lot of pain in my life, you know, especially in the formative years of 7 to 15. And I'm hearing about her like make fun of me while I'm making these videos. And guess what? I could have given up then. Could have been like, oh yeah, let me give up my dreams or this vision for that. But guess what? I held my vision. Who gives a shit what she thinks? On the path to doing great things or doing big things, there's gonna be people that like what you do and there's gonna be people that don't like what you do. It's just a natural part of it. But it's not internalizing. Another thing, people are like, what about negative comments and stuff? When they were joining Full-Time Purpose, the course that Victor and I have, What I told them, one of the big things that kept me going was 2 or 3 weeks into making daily videos on YouTube, one of the things that came up was one person, I saw one, the first positive comment that I got that really meant a lot to me, and it was, it's the exact verbatim. Somebody commented on a video and said, "This video changed my whole life." And in that moment, I felt so grateful. It all, like, was worth it, you know? Like, making daily videos for 2 or 3 weeks straight, having people that maybe didn't believe in me or that were making fun of me, even my ex-stepmom, where there's definitely a wound that was there that was like, whoa, she's like saying these things. Like, what if I fail? You know something else that my ex-stepmom used to always tell my dad and my sisters, Aaron and Zach, my brother, are gonna be losers because I'm not in their life. They're gonna be losers. And for a long time, she was able to rub, look at Aaron, he's working that 9 to 5 job selling women's shoes. Didn't finish college, he's a loser. Look at Zach, he's in the army, blah, blah, blah, he's a loser. That's how she would talk to my sisters. So, and my dad, my dad's just accepting. It's very, you know, you just, us do what we want. You know, my dad's a fire investigator and it's interesting, but I just was like, focus on my vision. I went through that and I set aside what other people were thinking about me. I knew that what was more important was how I felt about me. And I knew that there was a vision that I had. I remember even going to friends' houses and to hang out and they'd be like, what you up to? And I'd be like, oh, I'm making videos. I was that guy with the hobby for a long time. And then their eyes would kind of glaze over like, oh cool. You know, and it was like, yeah, that you and your pipe dream, you know, that was the energy that I felt. Maybe it was my own projection too. But in order for other people to believe in me, I had to first believe in me and I had to not internalize. So, okay. When we talk about the positive comments that this video changed my whole life, that felt amazing. That made it all worth it in a way. But then I realized shortly after that, when I received my first negative comment on YouTube, not to internalize these comments because these comments are nice reflections. But the only time what other people think about us really gets to us is when we internalize it and we think it's actually true. So somebody said to me, I, especially at the time, you know, back in 2012, I would watch this guy Ralph Smart's videos 'cause he was one of the only, one of the first probably, him and Teal Swan were the first people making videos on law of attraction type content. And he had a whole bunch of videos. I was at the time making daily videos. I wasn't watching other people's videos and like remaking videos. I was doing my own thing. I was just making videos. And I would like go on things I was passionate about. I learned marketing. I learned how to like get the right key, you know, the right titles with the right thumbnails and stuff. I learned it as I go. I didn't learn it and then start. I just started and then I figured it out. But what happened is as I was learning all this stuff, I started to grow. And then somebody commented on my video and said, you copied Ralph Smart. "You're like trying to be Ralph Smart." And I was like, in that moment, I'm like, "What?" I was like, "I don't, I'm trying to be me. I just am being me. I'm not trying to be him." And I was accused by a subscriber or somebody, maybe not a subscriber, I don't know, but of saying of that. And then I thought to myself like, "Huh." If I internalize that, it felt very negative. And I knew deep down like, "No, I'm not. I'm not watching any of his videos. I did years ago. I'm just doing my own thing." I didn't want to look like to other people that I was like a copycat or something, you know? So these were all things that came up, but the key is to not, even the positive comments now, I don't really internalize them. It's nice to see people that are like, oh, your videos changed my life and stuff, but I know that they changed their life, not me. My videos may have reflected back something, It's an interesting thing because on one hand I'm like, no, you did it, you did it, which is true, they did do it. But there's also an aspect of myself that's learning to receive a little bit more. So I'm like, okay, thank you, I'm happy for that. But not be like, oh no, but you changed your life, don't give me any credit, you know? And not feeding my ego to give it credit, but it's like, there's also, I think because of having a low self, a sense of self-worth growing up, there's like a challenge I have with receiving. Receiving positive comments or just, you know, even when I meet people in public and they're like, oh, it's so great, you've changed my life. And I'm like, yeah, great. You know, it's almost like I can't receive it sometimes and I feel resistant to it, but I'm learning to like accept it more. And that's a part of my growth as well, just being vulnerable and transparent here with you guys. I think that's part of my growth as well, but also not internalizing it so much. And I realized the things I internalize are the ones that I think could be true. For example, I've been making videos on YouTube for how long now? Like 3 or 4 years. I've made like almost 2,000 videos. How many times can I say something brand new? It is, maybe it's my own limiting belief, but it's challenging sometimes to always come up with new content, new angles. So I end up telling repetitive stories repetitiously. So when people say, "Aaron, this video's, you already told this story. This video's repetitive. Just, we don't need to hear about your story every time, blah, blah, blah." It's like, oh, maybe there's some truth in that. But at the same time, I know that a lot of the people that are watching my channel and finding me are finding me for the first time. So yes, I'm grateful that there's people that watch my videos like every video and that have heard my ex-stepmom story and my 9-to-5 job story and certain stories, my spiritual awakening story many times. but at the same time, I'm also thinking about the new people getting brought in and the stories are what really gets them to like binge more content to like awaken more. So it's a funny little dynamic there, but I don't, the ones that appear to be somewhat true or that could be true are the ones that hurt more. But the ones that I'm like, oh, that's just their own projection, it's easier. So with this though, the one thing that when I was doing this full-time purpose, you know, launched, the thing that really helped people and really motivated people that I could tell when the comment section went nuts, 'cause I did this live on Zoom, was realizing that giving a shit what other people think and really looking for people's validation and approval, what that is, is that is us trying to please other people to get their validation and approval because we haven't given it to ourselves. We have abandoned ourselves in exchange for other people's validation and approval, abandoned the self. And one of the ways we do that, and one of the reasons we do that is because we have a low sense of self-worth and we believe that we will only be accepted if we are a certain way. We don't wanna be rejected or abandoned by other people, so we therefore abandon ourselves. People abandon themselves by not going after their dreams or their passions with what they're passionate about because what will my family think? What will others think? We abandon ourself for other. And the way that you push through this is you become aware of the belief, you become aware of the story, and you start to realize that other people's perception of you is their shit, not yours. That'll be kind of a theme of what we're talking about today in today's episode. That's their shit, not mine. My ex-stepmom that was like, "Oh, look at me, I'm Aaron. I help people expand their consciousness." And her like mimicking me like that, that's her own shit of feeling insignificant, of feeling maybe like, you know, trying to do, that was her strategy of feeling better about herself. That she would make other people, she would gaslight people. She's a narcissist. That's her shit, not mine. Friends' eyes glossing over. Even now, like, to be transparent with you guys, it's somewhat like a challenge that I have is it's somewhat unrelatable for me to talk to even some friends from my past who are maybe bitching about a 9-to-5 job they hate for like 30 minutes. And I'm like, dude, you're working a job you hate. Why are you still there? Do something else. Like, it's like a story people get trapped in. And it's like, why don't you just get the fuck out? Well, how do I? I have bills to pay. I can't get out. You tell yourself that, that you can't get out, that you have bills to pay, but you could find something else quickly if you changed your fricking story and you started taking action, you committed to something else. I had a friend that came to my house one time and he bitched for like 30 minutes about his job and about all the corporate politics there. And I dealt with corporate politics, so I understand, but I'm like, why are you still, like, why are you still there, dude? And he's been talking about that job that he hates for like 5 years. I'm like, fricking leave. And I was then talking like, what else could you do? What else are you passionate about? And I remember years ago he was talking about like a clothing line that he had an idea of, like he liked this brand LRG and he's like a big dude. So he wanted to like come up with some type of like clothes that fit, I forget, but he had all these, he's a creative dude. So I'm hyping him up. I got him super excited. By the time he left my house, he was buzzing. But then he went home and it wore off. And he probably went back into that story of complaining about the 9 to 5 job because people become addicted to their stories. And even sometimes I feel like the things that, the challenges I have now and the things that like my buddy Victor and I talk about are just, they're kind of different than what I talked about a long time ago. Now the stories are, you know, having employees Structuring the business, how to like spread out and, you know, like selling a house, how not to pay 40% capital gains on a house that I'm selling, or the positive capital gains, or shit like that. You know, and some of this stuff, it just sounds cocky or arrogant to people that aren't maybe in that vibe. And that holds me back. Even on my own YouTube channel, I sometimes, I think, hold back myself. On podcasts, I get pretty vulnerable like I am right now. But I think I hold back some of the aspects of my life. You know, I'm not saying this to brag, but there, you know, I've created a business and a lifestyle, multimillion-dollar business and lifestyle. But I don't talk about some of that and some of the challenges that come with that because it, makes me feel, I guess, more unrelatable to people that listen. But at the same time, it's authentic 'cause I'm going through it. So it's a funny double side end of the spectrum, you know? But I guess there's a fear there that if I share too much about my life and like, you know, like a challenge now that I'm figuring out is now I have 3 houses. I have a house in Sedona, I have a house in Austin, and I have a house that, I bought a house in Austin and I realized that the house is too small. I work from home and I realized the house is too small. Third world problems, I know. But I found I also don't wanna be in the middle of the city. I wanna be in a part of Austin that's like more nature-y. So I'm moving in 2 weeks into this new house. Probably by the time this comes out, I might already be in that house. And I'm excited. It's much more square feet, has a pool, has a jacuzzi. It has like a fire pit, has all this cool stuff. And I'm excited because also filming videos there is gonna be much more expansive the house I'm in now, and I wanna Airbnb this house. The challenge I have is I gotta get a permit for this Airbnb in order for me to do that. And the city's not giving any more out, and maybe there's loopholes, I don't know. And moving into this new house, I'm gonna have two other house payments 'cause I'm selling my house in Sedona. So I, you know, that's a challenge that I have, and I may have bitten off more than I could chew. I'm good, like I'm not worried about this. I have the abundance, but these are, You know, even as I share that right now, that might bring shit up inside of you. And what I wanna point the attention to is if that brings shit up, it might look like I'm being cocky by sharing this, but this is shit I don't share in my channel or on YouTube because I think it makes me more unrelatable. But the reason I'm sharing that is because if it is bringing up some type of like maybe negative thoughts in you, me realizing that's your stuff, not mine, helps me to process this. And in the same way, if you're making videos, if you're going after your passion and other people are judging you, that's their shit, not yours. Just like if you're triggered by what I just said, that's your stuff, not mine. And maybe you develop perspective, I'm egotistical or something. I mean, the reason I don't share this stuff normally, I'm just kind of like going off the cuff here, but these are things I wonder about in my content. Like if I shared that, is that something you guys would like or does that sound cocky, arrogant? And once again, it's me being presumed like, what do people think about me? And also like, will people like me? Will people stick around if it's a little bit less relatable than like me talking about, you know, back in the day, it was cool doing the Full Time Purpose Challenge 'cause I could see these people and I could see myself in them. And it was like a nostalgic feeling of like, I remember how empowering it is to start going full-time with what I love or like really committing to it because I've been there. And when you start doing it, it's like this new fresh thing. Someone came on that was like a testimonial from our Full-Time Purpose. And she's like got 10,000 followers on TikTok and she's getting coaching clients and tarot card readings is what she does. And she was talking about how excited she is and how she doesn't wanna miss a day of posting content because she has all this momentum. And I'm like, I remember what that's like. But now it's like I could take a month off and it makes no big difference because of the momentum that I've created over 3 years of everything. But it's just an interesting energy. You know, it's like, what do I share? What don't I share? But that's caring a lot what other people think. But what that brings up in other people is on them. Even when I was talking to friends, and even though I don't maybe relate to some of them anymore, it's like if I were to share certain things, I'd feel, I would feel like a little bit of it is unrelatable and it would bring up stuff for both of us probably. Like, oh, is this relatable within their frame of context? You know what I mean? but also I'd hold back some of myself. So the first way to stop abandoning yourself has to do with your limiting beliefs and validation and how you've abandoned yourself already to make other people happy. Stop abandoning yourself to make others happy and start claiming what do you want? What do you desire? What is authentic for you? And we'll talk more about this in the second one. Now, the second, way to stop abandoning yourself has to do with love and your own wants and needs and your own level of emotional availability. This was a game changer for me. I was attracting people into my life that were emotionally unavailable because I was emotionally unavailable. Now, in the love attachment patterns, if you've ever heard me talk about this before in other content, you've got anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and secure attachment. Secure attachment, is when your parents growing up, you were able to give and receive, give and receive love equally. And in relationships, you like, you feel confident in who you are. You feel mindful of the other person. You're not avoiding intimacy, but at the same time, you're not needy. Now anxious is more needy. Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are kind of the trauma ones that have work to do to become secure, which it is possible to become secure. Now anxious means you lean in. To receive love. You're waiting for someone to text you back. You want constant validation. When you were a kid, you didn't receive that nurturing, that love. So therefore you wanted more of it. And you thought that you had to change in order to receive love. A lot of times people in anxious attachment, they change their own center of gravity to make other happy, which many times in masculine-feminine energy, especially for the masculine, it depolarizes the relationship because the feminine wants to feel safe, but the feminine can't feel safe if the masculine is changing their center of gravity to manage the feminine's emotions in order to get their own needs met. It's kind of a selfish thing. But anxious means needy and leans in. Now avoidant holds back and says no. They're like afraid of intimacy because at some point in their past, they lost a sense of trust in the masculine or the feminine. So avoidant and anxious are kind of the opposite of the spectrum. Avoidants push away. They want love, but they start to get intimate and they start to become afraid. Now, what I've realized is that in anxious and avoidant, they're both emotionally unavailable in their own ways. Now, the anxious thinks they're emotionally available because they want love. But what happens is they only attract emotionally unavailable people because that's what feels safe and comfortable. Uncomfortable because most likely growing up, they had a parent that was emotionally unavailable. And what happens from this whole situation is that then either anxious or avoidant really, but there's an emotional unavailability that's there because it feels unknown and unsafe to have somebody that was actually emotionally available. And what I've realized in my life is the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable people is 'cause I was emotionally unavailable. But also what I had to start to do, and the key to this, the cure is vulnerability. Vulnerability is sharing what you really think and feel. Not meaning that you're just this emotional little, like emotional little wave thing where it's like your emotions are always all over the place and you're, in this like crying zone all the time, but sharing your wants and your needs. So in relationship, like one of the ways that anxious attachment normally don't do this is they're very passive aggressive. So what they'll do is they'll like somebody and they'll be friends. They'll be the nice guy. And they'll be friends with somebody who's not attracted to them because they're not being vulnerable and real. And they'll have maybe sexual intentions or maybe intentions to date them, but the other person may not even know that. That was me for a long time. Where I was the nice guy. I'd be nice and I wasn't in my actual masculine core. So I'd be nice to people. I'd be, oh, I'm attracted to this person. But instead of like, because you have such a fear of being abandoned by others that you like don't put your real self out there. But the vulnerability is the key. When you put yourself out there, that's vulnerable because somebody could reject you. But the key to this is really just sharing what you feel when you feel it and being honest. So instead, it's like you see someone you like and you say, "I am attracted to you. I'd like to take you out." Just literally saying what you fucking feel. And the vulnerability is attractive to other people. Now, if they even reject you, guess what? That's okay. You've saved yourself time and you lived in, you now live in accordance to that authenticity. Really what this is for the second one with love and relationship dynamics is this will help you become more emotionally available. And this will get rid of all that passive-aggressive bullshit. This is the key, vulnerability and valuing authenticity and vulnerability over other people's validation and approval. You have to switch your value. You have to say, me as a person, I am a blunt, to the point person that expresses my needs and my feelings. Even in my relationship now, when I'm feeling something, I express it. And guess what? There's more respect there. There's more of an understanding there. It drives my girlfriend nuts if I like don't say something when I'm feeling it, because then she feels that discord. She's super empathic, so she feels that discordant energy, and then she doesn't know what it is. And she thinks, it might be something else. But then if I just tell her, oh, hey, you know, a big part of, especially in the beginning of our relationship, is she's exactly what I thought I wanted as far as I wanted someone that's nurturing, that's touching me, that's like always like nurturing and very like physical. And that's what I always thought I wanted. And then I got it. And then I realized that my nervous system gets uncomfortable around that level of love. And I had to adapt. But what I would do is that she would be touching me and she'd be very nurturing and very affectionate. And there's times when I would start to like get uncomfortable 'cause my nervous system wasn't used to it. And instead of me saying, hey, this is like, I'm not used to this much love. I need to like either take a break or just so you know, you can keep doing it, but I'm feeling this way. I wouldn't say something. Then she would feel like there's something wrong. She'd be like, oh, maybe there's something wrong between us. And then eventually it came up and I was, Now I just tell her, you know, but now it doesn't mean the answer is for me to like push her away or to like say, hey, I need you to, because I think that maybe my nervous system needs to get used to that level of love or that level of affection. But the other side of that is me expressing it, getting out of the pattern that, 'cause when I was a kid, if I expressed how I felt, I'd get punished or it just didn't matter. I heard the saying from my ex-stepmom a lot growing up, kids are meant to be seen and not heard. I heard that a lot. So my express, like, I'm here, you're seeing me, but I'm not meant to actually tell you how I feel. That was my pattern. So I told my girlfriend, I was like, I need to get used to just expressing what I feel because I used to get like, that meant like punishment, band camp taken away, being locked outside. That meant like, you know, a whole bunch of pain. So in love and dynamic relationships, and this is something, by the way, if you guys haven't gone through the 21 Day Magnetic Love Challenge, I highly recommend you go through it. Many of you guys listening to this have already been through it. We had over 3,700 people go through it, but it's 21 days in a row of an hour session a day. They are little, they were meant to be 20 minutes long. They ended up being an hour session with coaching and everything. I bring in relationship experts and we day by day release more of our subconscious blocks to love and to giving and receiving love so that we can heal our relationship attachment styles to become more secure, but also so that we can remove love blocks to attracting love. And through that challenge, it was really powerful. It was by like day 4 or 5, people would come on and every, I'd coach people, I'd bring people on and coach. And you could see that if you get the course, the 21-day challenge, but there's actually things you do as well at the end of every video, either a PDF or something you do or something that you do that you put in the group that you get a part of as well that helps you wire this in. But by day like 3, 4, 5, people were coming on like, this challenge has already changed my life because of whatever we were doing. And it was so cool. I wouldn't ask like, hi, I just say, hey, how's the challenge going or whatever? And they'd be like, oh my God, it's already changed my life. It's, you know, it's, somebody came on, they bought a $2,000 course and they got the Magnetic Love Challenge for $97. And what they said was that the $97 course was more valuable, they've gotten more out of it than the $2,000 course, and they bought it at the same time. So anyways, I'm not trying to hype it up too much, but if you haven't done it yet, it is a very valuable course that turned into something completely different than what I thought. It was supposed to be 21 days of like 10-minute live videos. I went live for an hour a day and we coached people. I brought on my shadow work integration coach. And you guys go to aarondoughty.com/love to join right now. So A-A-R-O-N-D-O-U-G-H-T-Y, www.coachinganddevelopment.com/love and check it out. You guys can join, but that's what we do. We look at your becoming more vulnerable, more authentic, and that helps you get more into your masculine and feminine core as well. So the third way to stop abandoning yourself is to cut your ties now to your parents. Now I don't mean like you stop talking to them or like screw them or anything, but what I mean is, Energetically, kids a lot of times will feel a responsibility for their parents to manage their emotions. And my shadow work coach talks to me a lot about this, but he says that there's like a wound that he notices in a lot of like famous athletes because what they all do is they all take care of their parents, take care of their mom, buy their, you know, they may have not had a dad in their life, but what they do is they buy their mom a house. They do all this stuff and it makes it, it hard because he's coached them before and it makes it hard for them to really connect to the feminine because they're taking care of their moms in a certain way where then they feel like they have to take care of their girlfriends in a certain way. And our relationships with our parents very strongly impacts our relationships with our significant other. So the thing to look at here and the thing that I had to do is I realized at a certain point that I felt a lot of shame in my love dynamic relationships and shame for my own level of worthiness because when I was a kid, I felt abandoned. When my brother was born when I was 3, I was 3 years old, my brother was born. I never realized this till I did plant medicine ceremony, by the way. I was doing a tobacco thing for my brother where I was putting tobacco in this little thing. And in this moment, I just had this realization that a big part of my own self-abandoning issues and stuff stemmed from when I was 3 and my brother was born. I felt neglected because all the attention went to my brother. And my mom said I was a very quiet kid. And I think I was quiet because I felt kind of alone. And what happened is my brother was born and he had all these health complications. He had asthma, he was in the hospital all the time. And my mom, it like, my mom, I think, got juice out of like taking care of my brother. And like, you know, she's always liked, she always liked doing that. She has a pattern with that. She likes taking in animals that are, have been abused and, you know, like we always, we had an animal that had no front legs. His name was Roo. We had Nala and Roo. They were brother and sister and Nala had no front legs, but she would walk like almost like a pterodactyl. She'd walk on her back legs. But my mom has this pattern of just always wanting to like take these. I think she gets value from it. So she was getting value from like helping my brother. What happened is when that attention shifted to him, I started feeling alone. I started feeling like I didn't matter. And then years later, even as I was growing up, I would feel uncomfortable if the light would go towards, if the attention would go towards me, I'd feel uncomfortable because I didn't wanna make my brother feel small. I was so tuned to him, but I was like neglecting myself. It was an interesting dynamic. But what I had to do is I realized that because I felt unworthy and I felt shame, like there's something broken with me, Shame is identity-based, guilt is action-based. I always say that, but it helps us understand the emotions more. Shame means I'm broken. Guilt means I'm a good person that did something wrong. Shame though is like, I'm broken, there's something wrong with me. And I realized that I have this energy where growing up, I felt like there's something wrong with me, obviously. And also like my mom has a lot of stuff going on. If I could just fix my mom, I could have her love me the way I wanna be loved and pay attention to me in the way I wanna have that attention or that affection. And what happened is even after, you know, growing up, I would attract women into my life that were emotionally unavailable because if I could fix them and get them to love me, then I'll finally be whole. So I'd always attract people I felt like I needed to fix. And that was a pattern that I had for a long time. But the biggest game changer for me is I had to realize my mom's stuff is her stuff. My dad's stuff is his stuff. It's not my job. That's not my job. There's a Mac Dre song called "It's Not My Job." But I had to separate my energy and be like, that's your stuff, not mine. Because I didn't realize it's not my fault. And I have something to tell you guys. Your parents' emotional unavailability growing up wasn't your fault. It's not your fault that that happened. If you had a dad that left or a mom that left or a dad that cheated on your mom or a mom that cheated on your dad, it's not your fault. If your parents divorced, it's not your fault. It's something that happened. It's their stuff. And realizing it's not your fault is key to healing. And you can really separate and start to disconnect and like get, oh, that's your stuff, not mine. And when I started to do that, that's when everything changed for me. I felt blocks in dating because I was coming at it from the frame that I'm broken. Why would anyone love me or like me? All of a sudden I realized, no, that's my mom's. I don't have to try to regulate. I don't have to find people that I feel like I need to fix. My mom's empowered. She can deal with this on her own. And as I did that, even with ex-girlfriends, I'm like, you guys got this. I don't have to fix you anymore or try to, or believe I got value out of feeling like I was fixing other people. I'm not good enough already. If I can fix someone else, then I'll feel good. But I'm also doing them a disservice 'cause I'm implying there's something wrong with them. So that was like a huge epiphany for me. So you realize you're not broken by becoming aware of the belief and then actually doing a meditation where you disconnect your energy cords from your parents. And you see them and know that they're whole and complete already and they'll figure it out, but it's not your job. And as you do, you take your power back and you realize that you are actually worthy. You're separating yourself from that energy from when you were a kid. Now, the fifth way you could stop abandoning yourself has to do with friends and boundaries. I wouldn't be where I'm at today if I didn't start to develop boundaries. Now there's two stories here that I think really highlight this well for me. But a lot of times I would abandon myself to make others happy. I remember one time it was one of my good friends' birthdays. I had a photo shoot. I know I've told this story a couple of times, so repetitiously content, please like me. I know I'm being repetitive, but I was in Sedona living with some friends and it's a friend of mine's birthday. And I give her shit about this all the time, but she decides to have her birthday in Telluride, Colorado, which is, in order to get there, you either fly, like, you know, through a layover. It's like you fly and then you drive. And then after you fly, you drive like 5 hours from Denver to get there, or you just drive there. And it's about the same either way. It's like a 9-hour commute. So you either drive 9 hours or, you can fly and then still have to rent a car and drive. So it wasn't an easy birthday thing to do, but I canceled. I had a photo shoot, like a celebrity photographer, someone that's like shot for Justin Bieber and like all these celebrities and stuff. And I had a very expensive photo shoot that I had to reschedule. He's also a friend of mine now, the photographer, but I had to reschedule that. It was a week before I went to Costa Rica. So I was very busy. Like all this shit was going on and it was extremely inconvenient for me to go. But I literally felt like I had no other option. I felt like it was like, I am a bad friend if I don't go to this party. Now here's the thing, she invited like 25 people to this party, but only like 5 came. Why? Because it was so fucking hard to get to. And a lot of other people are also business owners that realize I can't travel for that much. You know, it takes like a day to get there and a day to get back. They didn't have that to give up on like couple week notice. So what ended up happening is I abandoned myself, my business, I abandoned my photo shoot, I abandoned my energy so that I could drive 9 hours there. And it was a lesson for me because driving back, it snowed. Telluride, by the way, is absolutely beautiful. It's amazing. I'd like to go back someday. But driving back through the snow, I literally had moments where I could have died. Friend, we were turning the corner and like the car would just slide. I was in a Range Rover. I bought a Range Rover before we went. So it was good timing. But I, so that I didn't slide off the fricking, like literally no railings on some of these things. And it snowed so much that like the car would just slide around these cliffs and shit. It was so unsafe. But it made me realize like I did not have to go through all of this and almost like risk my life to drive like 12 hours back because we're going through snow. It was just crazy. But I learned from that. Now I know that if somebody gets mad 'cause I can't go to their, I go within my own body now and I say, is this something I wanna do? Is this something that resonates with me? And if not, then I don't do it. You see the difference? It's like, you can choose whether you do something or not. Before that though, I thought I had no choice. I thought that I had to do it. And I started getting more into my power as I started getting more in my body and asking myself first, like, what do I wanna do? It doesn't mean becoming a narcissist, but it means you weigh it out. You know, how much do I have to give up myself to go do this? And maybe the answer is yes, I still wanna go do this. It was actually fun to go there and hang out and stuff. But if I would've been in my power and not afraid of saying no, I would've been like, well, we'll make up for it some other time. You know? So it's this realization of your own power. Now, another aspect of this too is, and I abandoned myself because I had to, I had to gain, like, if they didn't, to go to their birthday, I'd be a bad friend. I wouldn't get their validation, their approval. It was a self-worthiness thing. Once again, this all comes back down to that's their shit, not mine. Stop abandoning myself. And I'm already worthy. The second thing though is when I first started going full-time on YouTube, I had a whole group of friends and I'd go, like 4 friends that lived in a certain house. They'd always be smoking hookah and chilling. I'd go over there every now and then. And when I would go over there, those are the friends, some of them, you know, they're amazing. They're still good friends of mine. However, I remember that as I started to grow my vision of being full-time on YouTube, I was making a video every single day on YouTube. And I was working at Barney's New York in women's shoes 30, 40 hours a week. I was very busy. I would have had friends that are like, hey, come to this party, come do this, let's smoke hookah, let's blah, blah, blah. And I would, back in the day, just completely say no. I would say yes. I would say, yep, you're right. Like, I would be afraid of being a bad friend. Once I started my vision of being full-time on YouTube and making daily videos, even before things grew, I had to say no. I started saying no to that because I was like, well, I want this more than I want that. I want to be full-time on YouTube more than I wanna go to my friend's house, and this will get in the way of me and my video coming out tomorrow. So what did I do? I had to start saying no. And as I started saying no to things I didn't really wanna do, I started saying yes to what I did wanna do, which is make the videos to go full-time on YouTube. So anytime you say no to something, you're also saying yes to something else. But that is also the key to you not abandoning yourself is like, what is your passion? Are you able to say no to friends because, and they'll really understand it. That's a conditional love if they don't get it. If your parents don't accept you, if somebody judges you 'cause of the videos you're putting out, it's conditional love and it's control and it's manipulation. And realizing that makes it so much easier. So saying no is like a superpower and not abandoning yourself for others is like the name of the game. When it comes to this, especially if you're an empath. If you're an empath, then you know exactly what I'm talking about with this whole energy dynamic. Now, the fifth way to stop abandoning yourself and how to switch this up has to do with understanding your own body. Now, here's what happens when we go through trauma as a kid. This was a game changer for me. I made an empath video that has like hundreds of thousands of views now, and this is the concept that I think really resonated with people. When we're kids and we go through trauma, We are in our bodies as little kids. We're jumping around, we're having fun, we're laughing, hahaha, we're like very free with our emotions. We're very brutally honest, we're very vulnerable, right? Kids will just say in the elevator like, "That lady is fat," or something like that. Like there's no filter. They're just saying vulnerability, what they feel and think, you know? Not that that means that we're meant to be like that as adults, but it's like, you know, there's something to learn from that level of freedom though, you know? Now kids, what happens when we were kids is we go through trauma. We then leave our bottom 3 chakras and we go into our third eye to where we're then tuning to everyone else because that becomes a survival mechanism. I must tune to other people to get my needs met. How does mom feel? How does dad feel? How does my brother feel? Am I outshining my brother? Uh-oh, I need to like pull back a little bit. I need to put the attention back on him. How does my mom feel? Oh, she's emotionally available. Can I fix her somehow? Uh-oh. How's my dad feel? Like we're tuning to everybody else to make ourselves happy. Now, the key to this, I went to an energy healer. I talked about this whole experience somewhere on my YouTube channel, but went to this energy healer that was very expensive to go to, but I've heard amazing stories from him. So I went to him and he put his hands over my back and he could like tell me all these things from my childhood that I kind of forgot about. And one thing he said is that there were like 3 people in my life that, in a way were times in my past that I gave away my power and my energy was being siphoned out of my body. So my bottom 3 chakras, I had no gravity in. I was just head out. So when I was making videos, the first like so many hundreds of videos, I was channeling, going through and going out my heart, but like I wasn't grounded. I wasn't in my masculine frame. And that was something this last year I've been working with. And basically his lesson and what he's helped me do is to come more inside my body. To bring my energy inside my body. And when I learned the frame technique, that's when everything changed. The frame technique is when I learned how to bring the energy inside of my heart and my bottom 3 chakras and how to actually feel the separation between me and others, me and past people in my life that I've been around, me and my parents. And as I felt that separation and felt inside my body, I started to have a stronger sense of self, a stronger sense of frame. So if you are somebody that's super empathic and tuning to everyone else, the thing you might need to hear is go inside your body. Bring the energy inside of your body. And when you do that, you will start to have more gravity. When I do this, by the way, and I go in public, not that I'm doing it to get people's validation, but like I don't need other people to say hi to me. I don't, like when I go hikes in Sedona, I'd always like feel obligated to say hi to people I pass. I don't feel that anymore. I just do me. And if I feel like saying hi, I do. And if I don't, I don't. But it's like so much more authentic now. But also I go inside my own body when I pass people instead of like, projecting my energy at them to like see if they're gonna say something back to me. And guess what? It's like, it's more magnetic energy than ever. If you wanna have magnetic energy, then bring the awareness inside of your body, inside of your feet, inside of your hands, and feel the separation between you and others. If you wanna learn the 5 secrets to letting go that will make you attractive AF, that's this video right here. Highly recommend that you watch it 'cause it'll help you with what you learned in this video. The less attached you are the more attractive you are. People are attracted to somebody that is in their own frame and doesn't
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