Once you stop abandoning yourself, you'll never have to set boundaries again

When you learn how to set what are called internal boundaries, you won't even have to set external boundaries. You will feel more calm and centered inside of yourself. You will recognize that their tension is theirs and not yours to manage. And you will have a new relationship with anger that allows you to feel more free than ever before. So in this video, I'm going to show you how to finally have a new relationship with yourself. How to stop abandoning yourself around other people, how to stop absorbing other people's emotions and energies, and how to resolve this energy from childhood that will completely change the way you view yourself and how you relate to other people. This is an Instagram Live that I did that was one of the most powerful ones I've ever done, took on a life of its own, and I thought would be really cool to put this here on YouTube for you to see. Go and comment below, let me know what you think of this video at the end of it, and I'll see you on the next one. Bye. Think of boundaries as your way of feeling safe inside of your sense of self, and external boundaries are only needed and necessary when there is a block around the expression and a guilt around the expression of boundaries. So, think about this for a minute. Why is it that people feel guilty setting any type of boundary? Why is it people feel guilty setting boundaries? Because if you feel guilty setting boundaries, it means you feel responsible for someone else's tension. Think about that for a minute. If you feel responsible for someone else's tension, that's a heavy burden to have, isn't it? So how can you set boundaries with someone else if their tension is your thing to manage? You're basically saying, how could I set boundaries and absorb the negativity and the anger from that other person? So a lot of times you'll find too that people that have trouble setting boundaries with people, they're people as a kid where anger was not a very comfortable emotion. It was not a very acceptable emotion to be in. And often people that have blocks around setting boundaries, they think— listen to this. They think that if they express any level of boundary or any level of anger, that it means they're evil or coming off super aggressive. Have you ever felt that before? You're like, I don't want to be too— I'll be aggressive if I set a boundary. But is it actually even true? Now, yeah. And if you guys have questions about boundaries and you have questions about stored anger, we're gonna be going in this video, we're gonna be going over understanding something called energetic boundaries, which is a way that will completely transform your life to where you never need to set external boundaries in the same way again. And once you integrate what I'm sharing with you as well, you begin to heal the unresolved energy from childhood that has you afraid to set boundaries because you're afraid of tension. Yeah, see, someone says, in my past marriage, I noticed I would avoid boundaries being crossed to avoid conflict, and obviously didn't work. So That's interesting, right? Because some people that are afraid to set boundaries, they might actually be afraid to set boundaries because they're afraid to actually enforce the boundaries. You guys get that? It's like some people are like, I don't have trouble setting boundaries. I tell people like, hey, this is my boundary, please don't cross it. Okay. But then somebody crosses it. And then it's like, and then that anger, if it's not expressed, it then gets internalized. So some of you don't have trouble setting boundaries at all. You might have trouble enforcing boundaries. You might have trouble saying it and then holding people accountable for it. Does this make sense? So what may be the key Is understanding that once again, there's an opportunity to express yourself and realize that their tension is not your tension to manage. Now let's go deeper for a minute with this whole boundary thing. Okay, you can keep putting questions in here as well, and I'll answer them throughout the, throughout the live on boundaries. When you think of the Energetic boundaries. Okay, so like energetic boundaries, let's connect to this idea for a moment. Energetic boundaries are where you feel safe inside of yourself and you recognize that at any moment you are able to withdraw your energy from someone else, from a situation, or for a dynamic. Now sometimes what'll happen Is people will think that I'll set a boundary and then they're afraid that they're gonna have to enforce the boundary again. So what happens is they then end up in an energy of being on eggshells around people because they're like, I don't wanna have to set it again. But because you don't want to set it again, that's why you will attract people into your life Where you do need to set it again. You see, energetic boundaries is something that you embrace when you become good either way with the pattern. When you become good either way with whether people cross your boundaries or not, because you recognize that you can withdraw your energy, you can set the frame again, et cetera. Now, what happens a lot of times is people— let's look at 3 different layers of patterns of when people stay stuck in a pattern. They don't even think it's possible to set a boundary or to withdraw their energy. They feel anger and resentment, and they also feel a certain level of guilt, and it controls them. But understand, guilt is an unresolved childhood energy where you felt responsible for mom and dad. And if you feel responsible, your energy field has gone out to expand to include mom and dad, and any tension between you and other people then becomes your job to mitigate, which is a lot of pressure, isn't it? So what happens is when you begin bringing the energy back to you and you recognize that The people that are in your life right now that cross your boundaries are in your life as a symbol of an unresolved energy that your psyche is bringing in so that you can learn a lesson. And that lesson is how to become comfortable with expressing yourself. It's how to become comfortable leaning into tension, letting Other people's tension be their thing, not yours. So repeat after me: That's their stuff, not mine. That's their tension, not mine. If when you set the boundaries with the boundaries, okay? They're not just boundaries; they're the boundaries. If you want to set the boundaries with people. It's about becoming aware of your own body awareness and what your boundaries are to begin with. Because here's the other thing with people that have trouble setting boundaries. They have a very, very high tolerance for people who are draining to be around. They have a very, very high tolerance for controlling people. Why? Because it was familiar as a kid to be very tolerant. Who you had to be as a kid was very tolerant. So now as an adult, you're very tolerant. And when you're very tolerant of toxic dynamics, you will subconsciously keep people in your life and keep those dynamics in your life because it's what you believe you deserve. Can you see the energy there? Interesting, right? So the tolerant energy is there. You can be aware of it. Uh, people that have trouble setting boundaries have trouble setting boundaries because they think that setting boundaries means they're a bad person. They think other people's tension is their tension. But guess what? I've got news for you, boo-boo. It's not. And the very— that unresolved energy from childhood is calling forth inside of you to express yourself and to recognize that the tension they feel when you set boundaries is their thing, not yours. Okay. Now, let's talk about another block when we talk about this when it comes to boundaries. A lot of people that have trouble setting boundaries have trouble expressing anger and tapping into anger because anger was not acceptable as a kid. Anger is an icky, low vibrational emotion. The challenge is that what ends up building up on the inside is resentment and anger towards the self. Because if you aren't setting boundaries, you are abandoning the self. And if you abandon the self, you begin to resent the self. So a big part of this is understanding that the expression of anger between you and other people might be the best thing For you and the best thing for them. Because you then allow other people to upgrade in how they relate to you. To begin to upgrade and see that there is a certain tolerance you have for certain type of patterns in your life. Now, remember, you are priming people on how you want to be treated based on how you allow other people to treat you. And when you stop allowing other people to treat you by either taking advantage of you or that of, um, getting away with a lot, or you're just extremely tolerant, you're stuck in the pattern where you abandon yourself for them, and that might actually be enabling them. So let's let go of right now this deeper layer here. Okay, there's a deeper layer here. That layer is that what you think is good for them has been actually not good for them. Now, part of the reason you might avoid setting boundaries is because you don't want to come off as angry or aggressive. So therefore, if you were to become off as angry and aggressive, that'd be bad for them. And normally people that have trouble setting boundaries may have experienced an angry parent growing up, and therefore they're afraid that if they express any level of authentic anger, they're afraid they're going to turn into that person, or that other people are going to feel what you felt growing up. That's not— that's the fact that you are even asking the question means you have a level of awareness where you're not some controlling narcissistic person that's trying to manipulate everybody in your life. So if you're afraid of hurting people's feelings by setting boundaries, recognize you're not gonna turn into whoever the perpetrator was in childhood that's recreating your unresolved energy for you to find people in your life that you need to learn to set boundaries against. Because your psyche is attracting people into your lives that can help you learn how to set boundaries. And even as you watch this right now, you're like, well, Aaron, you talked about energetic boundaries in the beginning and how if you set energetic boundaries, you don't have to set external boundaries. But here's the paradox here. The paradox is when you get to a place to where you don't mind if you set the boundaries, where it's familiar to set boundaries, you won't have to set external boundaries because there'll be energetic boundaries inside of yourself that's created in your own sense of safety, knowing that other people's tension is their tension, knowing it's not your job to manage them. And then as you feel safe in yourself, knowing at any moment you can set a boundary or result or withdraw your energy, in the moment, you then feel safe inside of yourself. Do you guys see this? Now, there's another side here as well when we talk about energetic boundaries and boundaries in general, and that is boundaries in general are an opportunity for you to meet your inner child wounding, which will affect every area of your life. Are you ready for the most powerful part of this video? As a kid, if there wasn't the emotion and energy and it wasn't freely given to you that you were encouraged to express anger or to feel significant or worthy, You subconsciously may have inner child wounds around not feeling approved of or validated by mom and dad, which creates their disappointment means something about me and I must manage their tension. So what happens is there is then a subconscious seeking of validation and approval on the outside. Now, here's the key. Are you ready for this? When you let go of wanting validation and approval, because you begin to validate and approve that inner child and you begin to protect them, you will then begin to feel more safe and confident inside of yourself. And when you feel more safe and confident inside of yourself and you give more permission to yourself to express the real you, You will begin to respect you. So what I'm asking from you here is something that will completely transform your life. What I'm asking is to begin to meet that inner child in validating their anger, in validating their anger, letting them feel angry, which is why breathwork is so powerful, expressing that anger. Because that's where the block is. If you think about it for a moment, the block is that it's not that the anger's not there, it's just that if you don't allow yourself to feel the anger, it becomes internalized, not expressed, and it becomes suppressed. So, and then you abandon yourself because of who you need to be for others. But Because their tension is your tension, I can't express it. So realize that when people say that have trouble setting boundaries, a lot of times what one thing they won't realize about themselves is they'll say, I'm bad with tension. I'm bad with tension. I don't like tension. You subconsciously love tension. It's just not the expression of tension. Now, when I say love tension, I mean that tension is on the inside. You must love it if you keep it on the inside and it's suppressed under the surface. Of course, you might be like, no, it's not. What I'm saying is don't tell yourself you're bad with tension. You have an extremely high tolerance for tension. It's just not a high tolerance around expressing intention. Until now, until you saw this. Because if you can give yourself permission to express healthy in an anger way, you will begin to become more free in the sense that now you're not harboring stored resentment inside of your body towards the self and abandoning yourself for other people. Now, one of the biggest transformations for me in the last 5 years around this was learning to have a healthier relationship with anger. Because a lot of times people will say, I don't want to react. What's so bad about reacting time to time? Letting yourself feel it, giving yourself permission. And what I've learned is the more I've expressed boundaries, or the more I've honored myself and said no, the more I haven't taken other people's emotions and energies and tension. The more I respect myself and the more other people, even if they don't like what I said, begin to respect me. So, what I'm saying here is if you were to give up desire for approval and validation from others because you begin to validate and approve of your own inner child and you begin to live according to the values of authenticity and vulnerability, You will begin to feel more free. And at times, you might feel angry. And give yourself permission to feel that, to express that. Here's the other side of it. You ready? So, you feel you'll be bad if you express anger. Realize that's good. To express it. Now, how do you express anger to people in a healthy way? Well, there's a difference between these 2 dynamics, right? Here's, here's a kind of like a nice little class on how to express anger in a healthy way. There's a way of expressing anger where it's like, you did this and that made me feel this way, which puts the power outside of yourself and is probably an inner child energy where as a kid, mom did this or dad did this and it wasn't fair. Now, when you're centered inside of yourself and you're like, hey, this energy right here, this pattern right here, this is how I feel. When you said this, this is how I felt. So it's not so much like you did something wrong and this is the energy pointing the finger. It's more so an expression of owning what you feel. I feel this way. This is my boundary. When you show up late, this is how I feel. I value my time and XYZ. Do you guys see the difference there? So it's— I call it conscious dialogue. It's not unconscious dialogue. It's conscious dialogue. Does that make sense? So when we talk about this idea of boundaries, recognize that energetic boundaries is your ability to feel safe inside of yourself, knowing that other people's tension is not your tension, knowing that the guilt you feel is you feeling responsible for their intention— their attention. And that your initiation into being good with external boundaries at such a level that you never have to set them again is about putting in— what do you think it is? Reps. Putting in reps. Putting in reps. The more reps you put in, the easier it gets to set boundaries. I wrote down one more thing so I don't forget because there's another powerful part of this that I think will completely change your life. The beliefs, okay, put in reps, okay? That's what we're talking about first. Putting in reps, okay? The more reps you put in towards doing anything, the more comfortable you get. And right now you might tell yourself, I'm an overgiver, people pleaser, and I'm not good at boundaries. You just might not have put reps in with boundaries. You might not feel you're allowed to. Reps of expressing yourself, reps of setting boundaries, reps of expression. The more reps you put in, the better you get, the more normal it gets. And then you'll stop telling yourself, oh, I'm this kind of person that has trouble setting boundaries. Now, now real quick, there's an even more powerful part of this. That's the deeper layer here. Now before, I'm gonna share that in one sec. Also, in case you guys didn't know, I am doing a 3-day free Magnetic You Challenge to help you become aware of your core pattern, release the energy underneath so it's not in your body, and then wire in the most magnetic you so that you become more connected to other people, you drop your beliefs about people, and then also you're able to bring in more abundance and love into your life and be not attached to outcome. If you do want that, it's starting on Wednesday next week. It's 3 days, it's completely free. And you can comment the word magnetic right now and I'll send it to you. Okay, you'll get a message on the signup. It's a brand new challenge. All right, so when it comes to boundaries, the most powerful thing to recognize with this that is like the part I've been waiting this whole video to share till now. So when we talk about energetic boundaries, right, when you feel safe inside of your body, and you recognize that other people's tension is not your thing to manage, and you recognize that the guilt you feel is you feeling responsible for their tension, when you begin to then see, hear, soothe, and nurture that inner child that wants validation for the anger they feel, you can then give yourself permission to express anger knowing that that's what's best for you and for them. Instead of enabling people by tolerating an extreme amount of tension and an extreme amount of toxic patterns and dynamics that keeps those people in your life. So those people are literally in your life because there's a part of your psyche that wants to release the unresolved anger and repressed anger on the inside. A deeper layer here Is recognizing that there's an authority at play. There's like an authority issue at play. And that authority issue is like, it's hard to set boundaries with people that you project onto them that they are authority. Once again, it's because there's inner child stuff that's unresolved as a kid. And it is— you do feel guilty setting boundaries with authority, people you project as authority. Right? You do feel like there's pain and consequences to that. And you don't want to be bad, which means to be angry. Do you see the difference there? So, recognize that with everything we're talking— what's your biggest insight from everything we're talking about today? And if you have questions about this, go ahead and put it in the question section. OK? Or go and comment it. Releasing suppressed anger, one of the most powerful ways I've learned to do that is through breathwork. It's through breathwork. There's a cut— there's, there's— I mean, punching a pillow, tapping into that inner child and punching a pillow, breathwork. Like, that energy is stored inside of the body, and when you let yourself feel that energy And then express it, which could be yelling. It's funny, there's like, there's, there's a ways, I guess, of like having a pressure cooker where you just like let it all out. It's like it can come out slowly or it could come out quick. Breathwork is a way to release it all, all out very quickly. It can be very powerful. There's also like micro expressions of it is just instead of holding it in moving forward, express it when it comes up. Express it into a pillow. These are all different ways. So it says, how can I set a boundary with my boyfriend who I love, but he struggles with controlling his anger and negativity? Well, once again, probably what's happened is you have an extremely high tolerance For someone else that has— okay, so here's 2 things. One, we tend to attract people that have the other side of the pattern that we might repress inside of ourselves. So if you have trouble setting anger, feeling and expressing anger, it's no wonder that you attract people that have an overly expression of that thing. So what are you learning from that dynamic? Do you see? Like, what are you learning from that? Are you learning that it's still your job to manage and to be on eggshells around them in their anger? Or is it calling forth a part of you on the inside to actually stand up for yourself, to actually withdraw your energy if it gets to a certain point? Is it your job to— did you have a parent growing up that had trouble setting— had trouble controlling their anger and negativity? Did you become a punching bag for that? And what is your tolerance around that? Because if you're not clear what your tolerance around this is, what will happen is you don't know where that line is. So how can you feel safe inside of yourself? Do you see? So the question is not how do you set a boundary with your boyfriend who I love, but he struggles? You still set the boundary. And then you know within yourself that you will result— you will retract your energy, withdraw your energy if you need to. It's the same thing. It's just you're, you're saying, oh, if he has— but, but the consequences, right? And if the consequences are at a certain level, then you can actually withdraw all of your energy. You don't want to be in dangerous dynamics, but you may have tolerated it as a kid, so you may think that you need to tolerate it now. Why is it so uncomfortable to be a bad person or not be good enough in someone's eyes? Because we think that if we're not good enough in someone else's eyes, it means that we're not good enough. We think that if someone else judges us as bad, that it means we're bad. Doesn't mean it's the case. I've had to learn. So, okay, let's look at this even a deeper layer. Man, we're going deep today. You guys liking this, by the way? You guys liking how deep we're going? Go ahead and like this and let me know. So to be bad. So when you are— if you have trouble setting boundaries, you may identify in the dynamic of the perpetrator, the, um, the victim, and the rescuer. Which one do you identify most with? Let me show you something. Go ahead and comment. What do you identify most with out of the perpetrator, the victim, or the rescuer? I'll tell you right now that I know most of you, 80% of you, will say the same thing. Okay? And that is a lot of you identify as the rescuer. The rescuer is the pleaser that needs to manage the tension in the household. Yeah, exactly. And yeah, the rescuer or the victim, either one. It is bad to be the perpetrator. But you think that you're going to become the perpetrator by just expressing yourself. Now, when you start to express the real you and start to, in a way, resolve that unresolved energy from childhood, you might become the perpetrator in certain people's eyes because you're no longer enabling them, especially the people that you've been enabling in the victim dynamic. Does this make sense? But it's not actually helpful to the victim for you to rescue them. It's codependent, and it keeps them in the victim dynamic. By actually empowering them, seeing them as powerful, not fixing, you then get into an energy of being more present and recognizing that at times you choosing you might come off to certain people as not the way in which they've been used to, like, engaging with you.