Watch her BREAK a toxic relationship cycle in 17 minutes

In the middle of getting a divorce, how do I break this cycle even though I'm literally in the middle of repeating this cycle?

How would you say you relate to boundaries?

I'm not very good with them.

I can tell. What if you could allow yourself, your inner child self, to feel those emotions that you think you have to control and not feel?

Um, okay, so my question is, uh, it's a heavy one. I have the same kind of background as you. And I guess I spent so much time trying to manifest breaking the cycle that I repeated it.

Yeah.

So I'm actually in the middle of an uncoupling with a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old. So especially with the whole, like, mother or father— sorry, I'm a little emotional.

Yeah.

You got me with the breathing. I actually had my 5-year-old do it with me, and she made it almost all the way through, but Yeah. How do I make it to where that's not within them during this?

What do you mean with an uncoupling?

I'm in the middle of getting a divorce.

Okay, I see. So you're in the middle of uncoupling and you have a 5-year-old and a 1-year-old with you?

Yes.

Yeah, got it. Okay. I thought you meant you were uncoupling from them.

I was like— Oh no, never. No, no.

I was like, I don't know about this. Okay, awesome. So, well, I appreciate your vulnerability. So what is the question more specifically? What do you—

what do you want? How can I counteract this in the future for my babies now? Like—

Counteract the breakup, or—

Oh no, not the breakup. There's— that's— that is what it is. Yeah, but I don't want to see my babies in 20 years struggling with the same shit. that I'm struggling with, you know what I mean? So yeah, well, I'm just wondering if there's something I can do in the present moment while I'm also dealing and healing and all that to— yeah, to not let it affect them so much as it might affected me.

Yeah, well, what's, what's interesting is I want to first off say that the fact that you're asking this question, I believe, makes you a very present and conscious mom. So, allow yourself for a minute to really like realize that the fact you're having this question says a lot about you. Because I imagine that one of the reasons you're asking the question is because you're like, I want to be a good mom, right?

Yeah.

I don't want to experience what I experienced growing up and I want to make sure that my kids don't experience the same thing. Yeah.

And I feel like I almost was so afraid of that that I pushed it into being, so to speak.

Yeah.

And now, you know, it's like, well, what's the blowback of it? How do I— yeah, how do I not put this, you know, break the cycle even though I'm literally in the middle of repeating the cycle? Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd say the best way to move through this cycle is to— the way in which you relate to your emotions is going to be what you are training your kids, your 1-year-old and your 5-year-old, as to how to deal with their emotions.

That's why I wanted her to do the breathwork with me.

That's so powerful. Yeah. So, so you're— it's not the fact that you're going through a breakup that is going to cause negative programming for your kids, um, as much as the way in which you relate to the breakup and the way in which you relate to your emotions that's going to prime them on how they relate to themselves throughout the process.

Okay.

Now, before you go deeper into the video, I want to invite you to experience this for free inside a community I have that's a free community called High Vibe Tribe. I run continual challenges in this community, as well as there are free resources that can show you how to transform your life from the inside out. This is also where I teach my signature SHIFT framework, S-H-I-F-T, Seeing the pattern, healing the root, integrating the frequency, and transformation. And if you want to experience it live for yourself, go ahead and click the link below, grab your spot, and I'll see you on the inside of the community. So, allowing yourself to really feel what comes up, allowing yourself also— one great— okay, so if you— With your kids. With your kids, one very powerful thing and thing that can make it very confusing for a kid Is I believe the mom and the, the dad, they use the kid as like a way to get their own needs met, right? So they'll use— they'll, they'll in a way also vent to the kid, vent to the kid, right, about dad. That is the way in which you talk about your ex-husband is going to be the way in which your kids— so you have a boy and a girl, or, or what is the dynamic?

Yeah, the 5-year-old's a girl and the soon-to-be 1-year-old's a boy.

So what they, what they are doing as, as they grow up is they're interpreting like how they relate to men and women, and the way in which you relate to the situation will begin to form their, their beliefs about how men and women work. Now, the thing to understand about this though is that trying to control this is a way of infusing resistance into the process.

Okay.

And it's a way— it's, it's the pattern. It's trying to control it from the pattern. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So it's using— it's like, if I can control this, I will block them from experiencing this, and then I'll be good, and etc. And I'd say the deepest, the deepest way you can go through this, Pinky, to really make this something that they learn— that, that they learn from in a different way is through you being present with yourself as you go through this breakup.

Okay, so I feel like we have Yeah, for the most part.

And what can happen in a breakup is— what can happen is as the breakup is happening, there's a whole bunch of internalizations that happen. What did this mean? What does this mean about me? Okay, so if we go into— and we go into the inner child energy where you said that as a kid you experienced a certain energy and you don't want your kids to experience it, right?

Correct.

What if you could allow yourself, your inner child self, to feel those emotions that you think you have to control and not feel? Yeah, what was that sigh of relief that you just had? But like something—

I was a little heavy. I don't know, I guess I'm Unikitty and I'm like, low-key ready for a crash out, but I don't want my kids to see me crash out, you know? So I've always been really good at handling anger prior, I guess, in a way. And I always knew that anger was hiding the sadness. So once I leaned into the sadness, I've actually had people being like, you're not angry enough about this shit.

Yeah.

Because of how he's handling whatever. That's another thing where it's like, well, I do want them to know that anger is a healthy emotion. I mean, we, you know, I tell her go punch a pillow because she's actually been acting out a little bit too on an angry tip.

So what would you say the pattern is?

Anger is okay, baby.

If you're looking at the pattern itself, what would you say the pattern is?

Um, I'm sorry, can you repeat that? Because she's—

It's okay. What would you say the pattern is? How would you summarize the pattern?

Yes, I'm talking to him. Um, the pattern of— you mean my emotions?

Yeah, just what is this pattern that, that is coming up that you're, that you're looking at?

Um, I guess abandonment, fixer, people pleaser. It definitely was an empath-narcissist dynamic.

Got it.

So like, pretty much I've got all the patterns, I got all the letters.

Okay, so, so empath, people pleaser. Okay, so When did you learn that pattern?

Through you, and probably the first time we did this.

But you learned that earlier in time than this? Maybe a couple years ago.

Oh yes, I thought you meant like, Yeah, I get it. being self-aware of it. Yeah, um, yeah, I, I was— my, my parents divorced at 2, uh, when I was 2, and I was an only daughter or only child, and then my mom had twins.

Got it.

So, and then she ended up leaving my, all of us in diapers or with all of us in diapers because he was so verbally abusive that she started to believe what he was saying, you know?

Yeah.

Um, and I guess in a weird way I was trying to break that as the cycle, but then after, now that I'm in this point, I realized that wasn't the part of the cycle that needed to be broken. That was actually, you know, very noble on my mom's part. So—

Got it. Yeah, what I found, you know, I, I have a similar— I have a similar kind of like past as you in that way with having like a narcissistic controlling stepmom that was in my life, people pleaser dad. And it sounds like it's somewhat of a similar pattern there. One thing that I had to learn to do, um, I wouldn't allow myself to feel anger because I was afraid that if I felt anger I would be like my ex-stepmom. So let me ask you this, Pinky. What do you think this is about for you?

I just— oh, what this is about? Probably— I don't know. I guess finding my worth again and, uh, yeah, I, you know, becoming, becoming what they need, you know, fully.

And okay, just—

I, I don't want to— even though the cycle is repeating, I don't want the damage to repeat. Basically.

Got it. So even though the cycle is repeating, you don't want the cycle to repeat. Um, moving forward, what, what I would recommend is I'd recommend that over, over the next few days, we're going to be talking more about frame. We're going to be talking about how to integrate that energy into expression, to begin standing in your own frame, which will allow safety inside of yourself. And then that safety inside of yourself will will ripple out to your kids and be a way of modeling that change.

Okay.

How would you say you relate to boundaries?

I'm not very good with them. It's a new concept.

I can tell.

It's a new concept. No, I joke that my pendulum swings between doormat and raging bitch, and I know that I need to find the happy medium betwixt the two, but That's kind of where we are.

So do you take— do you— you take responsibility, um, you take responsibility for needing to fix or needing to manage what's happening? Are you able to actually express yourself and anger in general when you're around other people?

For the most part, no. Because again, because I'm afraid. It's almost like, you know, the demon is caged, not dead. So it's almost like I'm so afraid. There's like so much pent-up rage that I'm afraid to let So, you're with your daughter, your son right now? Yeah.

Yeah. And I see that—

Always.

Huh?

I said always.

Yeah, nice. And even around boundaries during this call, for example, what I'm noticing is you're struggling right now to even stay focused because of what's happening with your kid.

Lily, this is not your turn, honey. You're right, I am.

And how does that feel inside of your body, even as you're trying to focus on me right now?

Try not to cry and scream, honestly. Lily, it's not your turn this time. It's Mommy's turn, okay?

What if you were to— okay, right now, Pinky, take a deep breath in. Take a deep breath in. Let it go. Okay, now feel this space. Feel this space inside of your body and bring the energy to that part of your body. Don't worry about what's happening. Okay?

Yeah.

Yeah. Let yourself feel that. That's the emotion. Let yourself feel that. Breathe into that.

Yeah.

Do you see how now you're coming back to you? How does it feel to come back to you?

Almost weird. Okay. Yeah.

And then do you notice that it— do you notice that right now, even though there's sadness, you're more present?

Yeah.

And do you notice that right now, as you're more present, Your kid has relaxed.

She— I was crying, she was growling, but now it's better.

Yeah. Well, there's something that happened when you just shifted into you to where now she's more relaxed.

Okay.

Your kids are a reflection. Your nervous system is the way in which you will powerfully interact with your kids. What was your interpretation of what just happened? You had your, your, uh, your kid being a kid, you know, kind of getting your attention, wanting your attention. And then you're trying to focus here, you're trying to focus here. There's— you get— I could feel the energy in your body. I could feel that you were getting somewhat— there was like a little bit of anger, a little bit of emotion there, some sadness underneath.

Yeah.

And then for a moment, you finally let yourself feel the emotion. And now how many of you can see inside on her face How relaxed she is. Can you guys see that?

Thanks for all the love, guys.

But do you see the— your answer— the answer to the question you're asking is to be vulnerable with yourself. And I just called out— I just called out the energy that I was noticing, and that was a symbol or a sign of the way in which you hold boundaries inside of yourself, but also giving yourself permission to feel what's coming up. Because now it's very silent in the background. Is it interesting that there's silence in your household the more present you've become inside of your body right now?

Okay.

You notice that, that, that is a— that is the most powerful way you can influence your kids moving forward is by modeling a calm, regulated nervous system and allowing yourself to feel the emotions as they come up.

Chaos. Thank you.

Awesome. How many of you got something out of that? Isn't it interesting what happens when you can allow yourself to feel the energy underneath the surface? What we're really doing here is we are learning how we relate to ourselves. The outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality. And if you believe it's your job to constantly accommodate the kids, try to fix the kids, deplete your energy, you will continue to in a way cater to that energy, and that will be the reflection you get. And if you— any of your parents are wondering, how do I model and not pass these patterns on to your kids? Your kids are going to have patterns regardless. You could love your kids too much, and then they have a pattern where they like expect a lot from men because dad was so amazing and, and was present in a certain way. It could in a way mess it up. So either way, it's accepting that there's going to be a certain— you're going to do the best you can with where you are, but the key is also learning and how you relate to yourself and how you relate to others.