Detach & They Will Attach: Why Confidence Attracts Everything You Want

People feel what you feel about you. So when it comes to confidence, if you accept yourself, that energy is emanating off of your body and other people feel that you accept you. Now imagine if you carry around an energy that cares what other people thinks, an energy that says, based on what you think, then I'll give myself permission to feel validated. Approved of, or confident. Well, they're gonna feel that energy off of you because literally you are projecting your energy out of being in your frame of reality, from being in your own body, and you're projecting it onto them subconsciously. And then they feel the pressure of you wanting something from them. You see, this is all a ploy of controlling reality as well. It's all a ploy of trying to control other people. 'Cause if you could get their validation and approval, then there'd be a completion of the closing the loop from childhood. But understand that this, the belief is because there was some form of external drama as a kid, external tension in the household that was then internalized The belief was then, there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I have to tune to other people to feel enough. Who do I need to be? So this is why when it comes to confidence, being in your own frame of reality and drawing state from within is so powerful. Because when you are in your own frame of reality, and you are not tuning to other people wanting anything from them, it doesn't matter what they do. You have then let go of control. What they do is irrelevant. Now, of course, it's nice to be accepted. It's nice for other people to approve of you, but when you don't need it, that's when you're actually the most magnetic you. So there's literally been just a belief that we subconsciously have that says that in order to feel confident, it depends on the external at all. Though there is internal confidence and external confidence, but the external is a reflection of the internal. And what happens is when you begin to take your power back from trying to control reality and you accept parts of yourself that maybe you hadn't accepted before, and you start also living by your own values that you find confidence in, you will find that what happens is you don't need from the external in the same way, and you're not projecting your unmet needs onto the external in the same way. And then you're more in your own confident energy. So this is what we're going to be talking about today. The powerful question I have is, how much of your confidence depends on what other people think of you? And what if I told you that confidence has nothing to do with the external? It has everything to do with owning your own frame. Now, when you think of a frame of reality, you could think of it, whoever has, okay, this is like a competitive mindset maybe, but between two people, whoever has the strongest frame is guiding the conversation. Someone always has a stronger frame. You'll see this in movies. Somebody may say something and somebody may, argue or disagree, and if that other person holds their frame and the other person falters, or the other person gives up their frame and goes, okay, that person maintains the frame. Now, in frame in general, what happens is when you feel more inside of your own body and you are also okay with other people not agreeing with you, that's where you're also really start to get in your power. Like, imagine right now someone in front of you, and imagine if they— imagine somebody reflecting back to you some level of disagreement, not agreeing with you. What comes up in your body? Imagine you say something and somebody disagrees. What comes up inside of your body in that moment? Does it feel comfortable? Does it feel triggering? Does it feel like, did I do something wrong? Yeah, so we will say want to convince them. So you don't have to convince anyone when you don't care, when you're not attached. Stress and discomfort, hot flash, I'm wrong, I must have done something wrong.

Yeah.

When you can become okay with letting someone else disagree and know that if they do disagree, it has nothing to do with you being anything wrong, you'll start to be in your own frame. Now frame, some people are asking, what is frame? Being in your own frame of, think about it as your own frame of reality. Having a strong frame means having strong boundaries, having strong understanding of who you are, of what values you live by. Does that make sense? It's like a strong frame of reality. Almost you could say a strong sense of self as well. Now this doesn't mean self like ego self, I mean, There is ego in any form of, I think, separate self. You don't have to be attached to it, but there is a form of individual expression that we're having in this reality. But as kids, many people that don't feel confident also reject having a certain level of self activated. Because to be in your sense of self as a kid was scary, or there was pain there, or you weren't rewarded for it or encouraged. Does that make sense? So a big part of confidence is also healing the abandonment wound. Sometimes what can happen is people feel abandoned from other people. One thing that I've noticed is that there's certain people that maybe are in a certain relationship and then that person leaves. Maybe someone else leaves and they don't want them to leave, but then they feel abandoned. And what happens is almost every single time this happens, that someone leaves someone else and then that person feels abandoned, the person that feels abandoned also, even to be in that relationship, they've had to already have abandoned themselves to be there. This is why people abandon you when you first off abandon yourself. I had a friend that experienced this recently where she was in this, she was like starting to date this guy that she really wasn't even into. And she thought maybe it was well-meaning 'cause she thought she was gonna move into her power of like maybe, she's not into him because of, it's like some block where she's used to like dopamine highs or lows or something. So it was a noble perspective. But what she did is she was connecting with this person and she wasn't really into him, but she kind of entertained it for like a couple weeks to see if like there was more connection there. But then what eventually happened is once he realized that she wasn't really that into it, he eventually decided to move on. And as soon as he moved on, she was then, it like activated something in her. And then she was like into him all of a sudden once the energy wasn't there. And what I thought was interesting, of course, it's like that almost probably plays on that abandonment wound where it's like they don't want the person unless they don't want them because that feels familiar and normal. But then somebody that was into them, they were like, eh, it's kind of boring. right? But what's interesting, and one thing that I mentioned to her is like, it's interesting because even to be in that dynamic, you'd already like abandon yourself to be in it. But then that happened eventually, but she wasn't even in it to begin with. Exactly, there's a pattern there. But one of the things to understand with the abandonment wound is that if you're abandoning yourself for other people, if you are tuning to other people and trying to ease the tension in your friend group or your families, if you're trying to live up to mom and dad's expectations, whatever the dynamic is when it comes to abandoning yourself, if you're saying yes when you really mean no, understand that one of the reasons other people abandon you is because they're reflecting back to you your abandonment of yourself. When you choose you, and when you say no when you really mean no, and when you say yes when you really mean yes, and when you choose yourself and you don't entertain energy that's not in alignment with the way that you want to be treated, or it's not what your actual desires is, what you do is you start to take your power back. Now, ultimately, there's most likely, you go back to the inner child workshops that we've done, there's most likely a version of you, an abandoned version of you that may feel not seen or heard. And when you start to become present with that version of you and you start to give that version of you attention and energy, what you'll find is that part of you may not feel abandoned any longer. Committing to your own inner child, saying, I see you, I hear you, I love you. I will never leave you again. And then through your daily— and through every day taking action and in a way embodying that energy has a very powerful effect on wiring in this new you. I think the time I was most going through my transformation was when I lived back in Sedona a few years ago. And I kind of had some realization where I woke up one day and I started realizing, wow, there's certain dynamics in my life, certain friendships that are out of balance. I could tell that there were certain friends I was around that like maybe it wasn't as authentic to be around them as much, but I was around them because there was a certain part of me that, almost like wanted their validation or approval because of their success. You know, as I have become more successful, a lot of my friends are successful as well in their own ways. And sometimes I'd be around people that had really big businesses, done a lot of really cool things, and then also had strong frames in certain ways. They had strong frames where they were like, and one epiphany for me too was, I would have specifically a friend of mine I'd have challenges with, and I had a coach or a therapist I was working with, and I was having like, we were butting heads. And one of the things that I ended up realizing is one of the reasons we were butting heads is because actually I do have a strong frame. I have a strong way that I live, a strong almost like way that I carry myself, my daily routines, like all of this stuff. But it was like my inner self-image was that I had to tune to this other person because of their success and just like the frame in general, 'cause this person also had a strong frame. But what it made me aware of was that I was, in a way, we were competing for frames being around each other so much. And what that helped me do is made me realize like, oh, I already have this energy activated in me. It's just that I felt shame for standing up for myself or for expressing myself. So what happened is as I started to become aware of this, I then learned what is called the frame technique. How many of you heard me talk about the frame technique? The frame technique is a very simple process of feeling the separation between you and a flame or an object or a room. Doesn't have to be anything in particular. But as you start, it's a very simple process where what you do is you stare at a candle flame and I was taught this by my shadow work coach and it completely changed my life. And what it was is you stare at a candle flame and on the in-breath you feel the separation between you and the flame, and that represents self. You really focus on the flame and feeling the separation between you and the flame, but that's your sense of— that's the self. And on the out-breath, you then focus on other, on the peripheral. You don't move your gaze. You don't, you're not like looking all the way around, but on the in-breath, self, on the out-breath, relax, and you connect, you focus on the peripheral. Now what happens from this dynamic is I started to feel safe in my own body. I would then also do this exercise with someone that if you're having a challenge with someone in your life and you wanna like regain your energy, imagine them and imagine feeling the separation between you and them. It doesn't mean you can't still love them. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends with them. It means you can still be in a relationship with someone even and do the frame technique to get your energy back and to feel in your own sense of self. Well, what happened is as I started to do this, I started to go through my own initiation. I started to feel safe inside of my own body. I started to then realize what was my stuff versus what was other people's stuff. There was a part of me also that I remember when people would ask me to do things, you wanna join this, you wanna do that, I'd become aware of every time I would tap into my body and realize I actually don't really wanna do this thing. And then instead of just saying yes and doing it, I'd be like, you know what, I don't wanna go to this like dinner. I remember that happened once. A well-known person in Sedona that was like a, someone that was like inviting me to this dinner thing with some other people. I didn't wanna go. And I remember feeling into it. And it was funny, it was almost like a test as well because she said, hey, we're gonna be doing this, blah, blah, blah, blah, you should come. And I said, no thank you. I said, no thank you. Like I have something else I'm doing, no thank you. And then there was a test because it was like, come on, it's gonna be fun. And then I said, I appreciate the invite. But no. And it was just very simple. And I also became aware that in my body, there was a part of me that felt like I had to explain myself. There was an old part of me that was like, oh, I need to lie and say like, oh, I have to pick up someone from the airport or I have to do this or I have to do that. I said, you know what? I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm gonna be true to me. So what I did is I just said, I don't wanna go to your shitty little party. I said that. I'm just kidding. I didn't say that. But what I said was, I just said no. I said no, I don't. I said, I just said no. I didn't have to explain or anything. But then I remember feeling after that, I was like, oh, that was easy. It wasn't like that person was like, screw you. And even if they were, that would be their stuff to deal with. But what I ended up doing is say no to that. But then I started realizing, wait, how many times do I say no to things? Do I say yes to things I really wanna say no to? So then what I realized is also there's a certain part of me that would hold back from expressing myself in certain relationships, certain dynamics. So what I started to do is I remember there were a couple friends I had to establish like things that maybe I'd hoarded on without expressing myself. And what I ended up doing is having very vulnerable conversations with them, or I explained to them some stuff that was on my mind that was like I was kind of carrying. And what I remember was, and one person in particular I had to have a conversation with, and I said, you know, from this point going forward, I'm gonna express the real me. I'm not gonna sugarcoat things. I'm not gonna tiptoe or need any validation or approval from them. So I'm just gonna be me. I'm gonna respect me. So I remember getting on this one call with a friend and I was gonna have this, it was gonna be like a more tense call I knew 'cause I had to express some things. So of course I wanna do a phone call and then this person FaceTimes me. I'm like, okay, here's that test, right? So I do this FaceTime and I remember that many moments I had the opportunity to kind of like not express the real me or I had an opportunity to kind of like falter and I was like, no, I'm not doing this. I'm gonna express the real me. And I did. And that meant like expressing like, hey, there was this that happened. It wasn't cool. This is how I felt, blah, blah, blah. I took ownership of the things that I did, blah, blah, blah. But at the same time, this is how I felt. And I stood with that frame. And as I did that, I didn't say, oh, it's okay, it's okay. Like right when they say, oh, it's okay, I sat with that energy, sat with that tension. And this person then ended up tearing up. And there was a breakthrough moment there. 'Cause I was holding my frame. And I wasn't, by the way, attached to them needing to have a breakthrough for me to be good. I was just, I'm expressing this because it's the real me. And what happened is that began a process of me wiring in this new version of me. Now this has trickled onto other relationships in my life, other dynamics, even my business of me like showing up in a way where I don't have to over-explain myself. I could be in my own frame of reality, but I am no longer abandoning myself. And because I'm not abandoning myself, I don't need other people to approve of me. I don't need other people to even understand me. Of course it's nice, but I don't need it. So the epiphany that I've had around this whole thing is it's really about the values you live by. If you live according to the values of vulnerability and authenticity, you'll live differently than if you live by the top values of validation and approval. The filter now for me is, am I being real? What is real in this moment? What do I really feel? Is this an opportunity to express myself? Does this make sense? Vulnerability over validation. Being the real you. Do you lose people then? Sometimes. When you start being the new real version of you, there will be people that fall out of your life that no longer resonate. With the new you, and it's okay. You're making space for the people that really— here's the thing, as you stop abandoning yourself and you start, let's say, saying yes when you wanna say yes, saying no when you wanna say no, there will be some people that aren't used to the version of you that chooses you. And because they're not used to you choosing you, you're no longer feeding their frame, easing their tension, and making them, validating them in the way that they want. And they may not like that, but understand that if they don't like that, that's their stuff to deal with. It's not your job to manage their emotions. It's not your job to fix them. But what'll happen is either they'll have some reflections to look at and they'll upgrade, or maybe they won't, or maybe it just won't make sense to continue relating in the same way. But you want people to relate to you, the version of you that chooses you. Does this make sense? You are treat— you are showing people how to treat you based on how you treat you. So if you abandon yourself all the time, you'll find that other people will abandon you because they feel that energy off of you and they're just playing out the dynamics of what you believe to be true. And what was funny is after that, really, that, that friendship I was talking about where I had that conversation, it was one of the first times in the relationship where then there was actual mutual respect. So you can either be liked or approved of and ease people's tensions, or you can be respected. And if you're respected, maybe you're liked as well, but maybe you're not. But I'd rather be respected than than a superficial likeness. When I started to be the most confident version of me, of course, the things that really shifted for me is it was through the repetition, the repetition of who I was choosing to be. So in 2017, when I decided to be a full-time YouTuber, that meant committing to daily videos on YouTube, even while I sold women's shoes, 9-to-5 job for 40 hours a week. But what happened is I became more confident the more the decision I made to be that version of me was. So understand that a lot of times too, confidence is just repetition. The more you repetitiously do something, but also the more you repetitiously see yourself and you embody that version of you. It's not just doing, it's also embodiment. Like when I first made YouTube videos, if you go back to my first ever YouTube video, I don't look, I was like reading off of a script that was taped onto my window. And it was like, I was looking at the script, looking at the camera, looking at the script. And it was very, felt very cringy to me, but I did it anyways. And after multiple videos, literally 3, 4 weeks of making videos, I started to feel more and more confident because the more I did it too, it's interesting, it's like the more videos I made, the more confident I felt because the more I was also saying, this is who I am. And then as I started to feel more comfortable in my body while I made videos, people would then watch my videos and they'd be like, oh, he has something to say here. Oh, I really like this guy's videos. But the funny thing was, is the way that I got more confident at making videos was the more I allowed the flow state to move through, the more I also began to trust the flow state. And because people feel what you feel, it's like people could feel that state and then it was like magnetic. And a lot of people that watch my videos, they say the thing that attracts them the most to the videos is not even exactly what I'm saying, It's just the energy. And in many of my YouTube videos, I'm talking about a very similar thing in many different ways over and over again. I made 2,000 YouTube videos. I recognize though, people aren't just connecting to the words I say, they're connecting to an energy. They're connecting to me and the energy that flows through. Now, ironically enough, now I have become way more confident even since I've been running live events. Because when I run live events, I'm, yes, okay, I'm on stage, I'm in front of maybe 100 people, but understand that the more I do it, the more confident I become. But also, you wanna know the biggest game changer for me when it comes to running live events was finding trust in the unknown in the sense that if I know that if I put myself as almost like a vessel to other people at my live events in the sense that like I'm here to help people, I'm here to help get ideas through to people, et cetera, et cetera. When I show up, I just, whatever comes through comes through. That's when it's the best. And that's what I've learned to trust, which by the way, makes it so much easier because I don't have to over-prepare. I don't have to come up with a 30-bullet, point list. I just show up and I trust. And when you put yourself at the, like, as a conduit of that energy, magic really happens. Now at the live events I do, there is almost, there is like literally the LA live event I did recently. I literally showed up and for 2 days straight talked for 5, 6 hours a day, live hot seat coached people, bring them in front of the group. And what I was doing was getting into this energy state. And when I'm in that energy state, my energy is very expansive. And the answers, the ideas just come in that state of consciousness. So funny enough, it's like there could be this egoic perspective, like I am becoming more confident, but really, I mean, yeah, there is, there is an ego aspect of it for sure, but it's more so my confidence comes from the present moment. My confidence comes from the trust in the divine, the trust in God, the trust in this, this desire and ability to add value to others. But then the more I do it, the more confident I become. So it's interesting, right? Because it's like the confidence comes from, you know, but I will say there's always the doubt and the fear and the blocks and the imposter syndrome and all that stuff. As it comes up, it's something that comes up to be released. Like when I first started making videos, there was doubt, there was imposter syndrome, there was all these things, caring what people thought. It was there, but through the action, I realized that this is something that's just kind of, this is a past pattern. And then the same thing with live events. It's like, even as I do live events, the more I do them, the more confident I become, and the more I learn to just get excited than the fear or the nerves that come up, especially a couple of days before a live event. It's just a part of the process. Now real quick, what I wanted to do was a quick meditation. I want you guys to do a quick meditation.

All right, so we got that going right there.

Let me— can you all hear the music now?

I'm gonna take a moment.

Once you guys hear this How does it sound with my voice?

I'm good. Okay, cool. All right, all right, all right. Here we go.

It's going to take a deep breath in. Let it all go.

And close your eyes.

Simply put the awareness inside of your body. Put it behind your forehead.

Put your attention there and imagine any tension, any melting away. And imagine wherever you bring your awareness, you relax that part of your body. Bring it now to behind your eyes. Feel any energy loosen up and relax. Bring it into your jaw. Your jaw loosen up and relax. Bring it into your neck, to your left hand, your left arm, right hand, right arm. Arm. Bring it into your heart. Imagine a ball of energy around your heart. Imagine it spinning on yourself to increase the energy inside of your heart with every breath you take. Imagine now the energy going down your spine, your left leg and foot, your right leg and foot. And imagine now the space in between you and your environment. Sense into this space. Move your awareness around. Begin to call back the energy into your body. You can actually call back any energy Any energetic cords or energy that's been projected out of your body, bring it back into your heart. Now imagine, what would your life look like If you were the most confident version of you, how would you carry yourself? How would you interact with others? How would you feel? Imagine that version of you. What is your body language like? What else do you notice about this confident version of you? Imagine a specific scenario you'd be in as this confident version of you. And how you would express yourself. What would it feel like? Now imagine that you're looking into the eyes of the most confident version of you. And see if they have a message for you. What has been holding you back from realizing this confidence? If there's anything you want to let go of, imagine yourself letting it go now. Imagine maybe tying it to a balloon and watching that drift off. Imagine that doubt, any self-sabotage or fear comparison. Imagine it drifting off far away, and the further away it drifts, the more light you feel. Now imagine that confident you merging with you into your heart. And imagine that from this point going forward, you will feel more confident, more in your own frame of reality, more accepting of yourself. Bring energy back again to feeling the space in between you and the environment you're in, and realize the more you are in your own body, the more awareness you put inside, the more power and energy you have in your field. And understand that this confident you is already in the quantum field.

You can give yourself permission to be it whenever you want.

And the more you do it, the more normal and familiar it will be. We can bring that energy back now. To your arms, your legs, and into your spine. I'm gonna count down from 5 to 1. By the time I reach 1, you'll feel alert, present to the moment. Now at 5, 4, 3, your hands and feet, 2, 1, you can open up your eyes now and bring your energy back into this moment. In the here and now. And how do you feel? It's empowering, emotional, amazing, big realization I just had. Awesome. The lighter. Great. Nice. It says cried, clarity, wiser. Amazing.

Whatever you felt or didn't feel was perfect. Now, if you want to learn step by step how to apply the frame technique to feel safe in your own reality, to feel confident in your own frame, then I show step by step in a free YouTube video how to apply the Frame Technique. It's a guided meditation process where I explain it along the way. It's a meditation that is very easy to do, requires no meditation experience. So if you want to check out that video, I'm gonna go ahead and put the Frame Technique right here. Welcome to the Frame Technique meditation and activation.