How to actually be yourself around attractive people

Why is it there's certain people that when you're around, your energy field clamps up? You find yourself getting more nervous. You find yourself freezing or fawning and trying to please them, and then you get frustrated with it and you wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why is this happen with them when it doesn't happen with other people? Well, in this video, I'm going to show you what I have learned through literally coaching thousands of people through transformation over the years. This is a very common pattern that comes up for people. And when you make the switch and the shift, it changes everything. It allows you to feel more emotionally free no matter who you're around. It allows you to actually take people off of the pedestal and to see them as natural for you to communicate with. And it allows you to heal something deeper inside of yourself where you feel more self-accepted, you feel more expressed, and as a result, you feel more free. So in this video, you're gonna see a client of mine, Jolene, go through the process of feeling like her energy field clamps up around powerful men, and you'll find her and see her then go through a shift where then she feels more self-accepted. She gets to the root of what was really in the way, which was her relationship with her dad, and you will see how you can apply this same type of work in your life. This is not surface-level transformation. This is where you get deep so that you create inside-out transformation. So in this video, I'm going to break down that transformational experience with this person. I'm going to show you how you can apply it in your life, and you're going to learn how you can finally give yourself permission to be you no matter who you are around.

I'm divorced 2 years, have abandonment wounds, I'm adopted. So anyways, what I realized recently was I shrink in the presence of men that I think are attractive and successful. So, um, I matched with a man on an app, but then I left the app, but then I saw him at Starbucks and like he looked at me, but I looked away like I didn't see him, and it was like terror in my body, like completely insecure. And I think after the divorce, that physical response is so strong.

Interesting. Yeah, so after, after the divorce, it feels like the response is even stronger than before.

Yes. And so my question is, like, in those moments—

yep—

how do I come back into my body? Or I'm seeing sort of that, like, that's that that's the solution.

Yep.

But these things are happening quickly sometimes too.

So I want to point out real quick that a lot of times people come to the kind of work that is being done here, and the patterns you're already aware of— like, she started off like, I have an abandonment wound, I have this, I have that, I'm adopted. She knows that there's patterns, but even though we know it A lot of times there's still unresolved energy on the inside, and a big part of this kind of work is allowing ourselves to feel, heal, and release that energy, accepting that energy. So I wanted to point that out. And then also, it's like the answers are within. Very often she's like, I'm realizing I need to accept myself. And a lot of what it is, whatever your problems are, whatever your challenges are, The answers are already within you. It's simply underneath an emotion that you might not be allowing yourselves to feel because there's a protective mechanism there, and that protective mechanism is keeping you safe. So let's keep going. What do you think you might be protecting yourself from in the moment for you to go into a response like that? Like, what are you afraid of?

So the first thing that came to mind was being seen, which is interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, interesting, right? Because it's like you see the person and then you don't want to see that— you pretend that you don't see them, right? And then if you don't see them, then you're hoping that they don't see you.

Yes.

What's so, what's so scary about being seen?

Fear of being criticized.

Interesting. So fear of being criticized. Yeah, yeah. And what's interesting, so, so to be seen means to be criticized.

Yes.

So begin, begin to contemplate that for yourself. When you were being seen as a kid, did that mean you were in trouble? Did that mean that you were going to be criticized and you could be judged? Like, what did it actually mean? Maybe it was a positive thing. Maybe to be seen was like you would appreciate it. But our relationship to being seen is like, what meaning do we give to being seen? Because we can see that then this is where our relationship as an adult may be, that we're still resisting what we believe has been unresolved as a kid. So let's go back into that. When did you start to learn that to be seen meant to be criticized?

When I was very young.

What's your earliest memory of it? You don't have to go deep into the details, but is there a moment that you recognize like, oh yeah, there was this thing?

Yeah. I mean, I just, I think about my dad really criticizing me at a very young age for really anything. Yeah.

So to be seen as a kid for her is like— literally, to be seen is to be criticized. And she'll say, it's like, my dad had this big powerful energy. So imagine that then later on around men, she may feel like she closes up and shrinks. And a lot of times our Relationship with our dad and our relationship with our mom as a kid became our way of relating to both men and women. And then our relationship and our interpretation of their relationship became our model for relationships. So if mom and dad divorced, it might be like, why bother? Things don't work out. It's like— and also as a kid, we internalize, oh, they divorced because of me. Do you see? So what's interesting is like big, powerful men, I shrink when I'm around them. She also shrinks when she was around Dad and that she's becoming aware of like an early memory. And the thing to realize here is you don't have to know the exact memory of like where everything came from, but it can be a powerful thing of like going back in your memory and kind of like connecting to it because even your subconscious begins to give you like inner, like symbols and like memories might pop up. And then that's what you want to follow to see what is there. It's all information. See, what happens for some of us as kids is the way in which we were talked to from Mom and Dad becomes our own inner critic, our own inner voice of how we talk to ourselves.

Yes.

And one of the, one of the reasons is, is, is because if we don't want to feel the disapproval in Mom and Dad, then what we do is we're like, well, hey, if I take on this voice of theirs, I'll then avoid disapproval from Mom and Dad. So it becomes this thing that like now has a means to help us avoid mom and dad's disapproval.

Yes.

And what ends up happening though is we end up living with this pattern or this energy where then it's like we're constantly in a way like living, living in a way where we're living with that resistant pattern. We're living with that criticism, that criticism isn't even this man criticizing you, it's you criticizing you. And if you criticize you and you look away, then you don't have to deal with the criticism of him, right? So what is your relationship? Let's look at for a moment your relationship with the criticizer part of you. Like, if you were to right now take a deep breath in, let it go, And where would you say this pattern is inside of your body? You just leave your eyes closed.

In my jaw.

In your jaw. Okay. Yeah, great. So that energy inside of your jaw. Now, what does that energy want to say, if anything?

Speak up.

Speak up. Mm. Why don't you just give yourself permission to feel that energy for a moment inside of your jaw? Just welcome it in. If it's tension or resistance or buzzing or whatever it is, just welcome that sensation into your jaw. What's the energy doing now, Jolene?

Well, now there's a knot in my stomach.

Okay, now bring your awareness to the knot in your stomach. Allow yourself to welcome that sensation in. Does the knot in the stomach have a message for you?

It's okay to let go.

Now imagine, imagine now, Jolene, that little inner child part of you, and connect to the part of you that feels however you felt around your dad. Connect to that and observe that part of you. What do you see, Jolene?

The opposite of ease. Like, just, yeah, very, um, on edge.

Very, very on edge. Yeah. What do you think she wanted to hear? When she was young, when she was in that situation? What do you think would have been very comforting for her to hear?

It's not you.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe imagine saying it to her right now. Maybe say it out loud a few times.

Yeah. It's not you.

Yeah. Say it again.

It's not you.

Yeah. And allow yourself to feel inside of your heart as you say it.

It's not you.

Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, and simply welcome in those tears. Welcome in those. See, when the— a lot of times the breakthrough can happen when you're connecting to this inner child part of you that wasn't allowed to feel a certain way. And remember, the inner child part of you feels like it's their fault, like it's, I did something wrong. Dad has big energies, he's criticizing me because there's something wrong with me. Mom and Dad divorced because I wasn't enough. Like, this is what our inner child feels. So when we go back and we do a meditation for connecting to our inner child, what we end up doing is we end up connecting to that lost part of ourself. And the intention isn't to fix it. The intention is just to let that part of us feel. And you'll notice that here I'm like, tell— I'm, I'm asking her to say it over and over again because I could tell that that was hitting the nerve. That was hitting the energy of like release. And as she was saying it, there was a release of energy happening because she was finally seeing, hearing, soothing, and nurturing that part of ourself. So this is a very important part of the healing that gets beyond the intellect. And it's like we're literally going back and connecting to that part of ourself. And as we do that, we re-own and integrate a part of ourselves we may have been ignoring our entire life. So when we begin to accept this part of ourself, this is where we can find that our nervous system really begins to feel more calm because we're accepting instead of rejecting a part of ourselves we're embarrassed of, those emotions. Because that's, that's what expression is. So what was that about, Jolene? What do you think the insight there was?

Yeah, I think just really that it was never actually about me, and there's just like this sense of ease when I support and nurture Yeah, that little me.

Yeah, yeah. And what I love about what you just said too, Jolene, is it's like your question coming into here is like, how do I stop abandoning myself? Like, if I, I lose myself if I see someone that I like and I, they have big energy, and then I, I, I see them, but then I pretend I don't see them. But the only— do you see where you lose yourself now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where do you lose yourself in that situation?

In just giving my power and attention. Yeah, one else, like, yeah, I do. I just completely— yeah, myself in that moment because I'm—

so, so generally, like, acceptance is the key to this. Like, the more you accept yourself, the more that you're not tied to what they do or don't do. So acceptance is like the, the filter or the portal into that new you. Now I want you to imagine, imagine right now that you're at— you go to a coffee shop and you see somebody that is there that you're attracted to, or see someone that you matched with on whatever app you were on. What did you really want to do?

Make eye contact and smile. It's so simple, but it's—

yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that so funny? The most— if you see someone that you like and you were to smile and make eye contact, it's an open invitation to connect with someone. It's so simple, right? But in our minds, we're like, no, what do I do? Freeze. Got to do this. Got to do this. What do they think? And it's like, it's like those sensations come up and they feel very real, though. But it's like the solution to this is not that you need to manage and get them to think you're cool. It's like just presence within yourself, smiling and connecting. So now imagine making eye contact with this person Yeah, they're looking into your eyes.

Yep.

And then imagine, would you just smile, right? Yeah.

And I don't shrink because that's the feeling. Yeah, like shrinking.

And in what ways do you normally— would you normally shrink? Just for a moment to touch on that. We say I shrink. What does that mean?

I just feel less than in that moment. Like I just get small and I don't feel like myself. Like I don't feel like—

yeah. Yeah, it sounds kind of like it's just contraction, right? It's like I contract. I'm either contracted and closed or open. Because obviously when a question— our beliefs are so powerful because if you say like, I shrink in the presence of powerful men, are you like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and you shrink into like a little child, like a little 2-inch thing? Of course not. It's a figure of speech. But literally our beliefs create our reality. It's like I shrink in the presence of powerful men. Whoa. And then we shrink into a little little tiny action figure. Doesn't happen. So it's not even true that you shrink in the presence of men, but you may close, or you may, you may contract, which is, which is okay. And if you can accept that contraction, that's where we begin moving with this energy. What are you afraid of by being the real you, by being the bold you? What are you afraid will happen?

I'll be rejected. Yeah, I'll be abandoned is really kind of like what it comes back to.

Yeah, you'll be abandoned, like they'll leave, or you'll be abandoned. Yeah, yeah. So once again, it's kind of the same energy, isn't it?

It is. And it's, again, it's just interesting because my big takeaway from the challenge so far is that— is exactly that— is how I've created a narrative.

Yes.

That people don't love me. And then when I did the writing, I actually saw that their actions showed me that they love me, but I chose to believe— I chose to see their actions as non-love. Yeah.

So it's interesting, our brain will delete things that are in opposition of what we believe. So if our core belief is that people leave me, what will happen is even if there's people that are choosing you, or that are there, or that those people are actually choosing you, you won't even see it or interpret it as you're being chosen, or they're like loving you. So it's like our brain is a deletion mechanism that is selecting what is like subconsciously what is in alignment and what is out of alignment. So it's like these core beliefs, these core stories stay on autopilot. And the thing I was mentioning earlier about what happened versus the story about what happened, there's a lot of freedom that comes in that too, because much of the stuff we get caught up in is our story and interpretation about what happened in our past. So it's like now we're becoming aware of those stories, realizing we generate the meaning. We can generate a meaning of victimhoodness, or we can generate a meaning of, no, this is happening for me. This is happening for me to choose me. You see, that's what you watching this video right now. This might be your opportunity to choose you, your opportunity to accept you in the same way that Jolene is doing. Yeah. And maybe that's more familiar, right? And, and the, the interesting thing about this is, is I think two, two different sides to it. On one hand, there is this allowing ourselves to feel what comes up, which is powerful, which is what you've been doing. And on the other hand, there's this awareness of the story, there's this awareness of the meaning. And much of what healing is, is healing is a recontextualization of meaning. Because as kids, we give things meaning, right? So you said when you got on this call that you were adopted.

Yes.

And part of being adopted could be— is there, is there maybe some form of, uh, what, what did— what do you believe that meant to you, being adopted?

Well, this is what came up in my writing, was— and like, I actually have a relationship with my biological mother, and I actually know that she loves me dearly.

Beautiful.

So it was the story that she gave me up because she didn't love me.

Wow. Yeah.

When in reality she did it because she loved me.

Wow, that's powerful.

Yeah.

So she did. So, so she did. Wow. So that was— there a healing that happened when you realized that?

Yes, because I also saw in a couple of examples after that, how it was the exact, the exact same pattern of like, in my relationship, I was— I thought like my ex-husband was doing these things because he didn't love me, when in reality it was his way of showing me that he loved me.

Wow. Yeah, that's powerful. It really is. It's really—

it just is. It's about— it comes back to that like meaning-making And my, my big takeaway was just like, can I separate the action from the story?

How powerful is that? Yeah, you know, there's, there's what happens to us in the past, and then there's the story about what happens.

Yes.

And for most of us, almost all of us, the blocks that we get and the blocks around love and the blocks around abundance and the blocks around relational dynamics is our stories that we have, the beliefs, that our interpretation of it. Yes. And the interpretation of it is what creates the heaviness. And our interpretation of it also might be what feels familiar to feel similar emotions, the payoffs we get, right?

Yeah.

For some of— I know for me growing up, it was like the having the controlling parent, stepparent in my life. And it was like I got to feel like my childhood made sense. I got to feel like I felt like alive when it was like, oh, see, I've got to fight for freedom. See, This is how reality works. There was like a payoff for being right that I got. Yeah, but I was right at the expense of freedom. And in a similar way, maybe for many relationships, Jolene, you got to be right about, see, people leave me, right? See, they, uh, they don't love me. And then you say you had a, a really big transformation when you recognize that your mom actually gave you up because she loved you. Yes. And then that allowed you to recognize that there's a whole new level of depth there. Yeah. So what do you believe moving forward your biggest insight from this interaction is that you can take with you?

Just that I am lovable. And in order to like be in that energy, it's about being present. Yeah, in my, in my body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being present about what you're feeling, being present with the parts of you that come up, being present if there's the, the freeze that comes up, welcoming that in, and then giving yourself permission to say, like, in the moment that happens again, in the moment, feel what comes up, let it be there. And then you can also give yourself permission to let yourself, let yourself put yourself out there where you could get abandoned. Isn't it interesting that if we don't avoid being abandoned and we welcome it in, then it's almost like, what is there to be afraid of? Yeah, like, it's a very interesting thought experiment, but it's like, if you can, like, you are in— you can either have a role of trying to manage who abandons you or not, right, which part of that abandonment is an interpretation. It's a story that comes with it. Or if you can get to a place to where it's okay if they abandon you or not because you don't abandon you, that's a, that's a different level of freedom, isn't it?

It sounds very empowering and exciting.

Yeah. So if you were to, if you were to be— imagine you go into the coffee shop and you've seen a guy there that you're attracted to, that you may have matched with on a dating app or not, and he looks at you, and it's like you were to smile and you were to make eye contact, and imagine they look away, right?

Yes.

You get, you get to choose what that means. And what meaning could you give that, if so?

Well, in, I think in that moment when I'm honoring myself and like putting myself out there, it's like I've done my part. Yeah, I can feel good about that, so I don't need to make meaning about it.

I love that. Yeah. So do you see, do you see the difference here from the very first time you got— when you got on this call? It was more so in the beginning about like, what, what, who, and who do I need to be, and a management of energy right, which created resistance and maybe an avoidance of feeling different things because we don't want to feel certain emotions. And then now there's an acceptance of what you feel, which I think is, is like really the next level of presence, welcoming that sensation in and then making yourself the choice to live by vulnerability or expression, not being attached to the outcome. But you now have a center of gravity in yourself that this is who you choose to be. And you let the filter be who gets brought into your life or not, just through that, just through that expression.

Yes.

Yeah. Do you see that? The difference there too is like a lot of times people subconsciously will crave validation and approval because maybe they didn't receive it from mom and dad as a kid. And as you become more self-aware and you start to become more expressive, you start living according to the values of vulnerability and authenticity. And what that means is that as you start living according to those values, you approve of you more, which means you don't search for it in the outside in the same way. So that's a lot, a lot of her breakthroughs. Like if you can, if you can accept being rejected because you're being vulnerable and authentic, you're in a more powerful frame than trying to be the manager of what people think about you. And then it's like if they leave or don't, it's okay because at least you're being yourself. At least you're being present. So it's a different frame of energy. It's a different frame to which we see the world because of how we're showing up and what values we choose to live by. And if they don't choose you, we can— you can let them, accept them, and allow them to not choose you, knowing it's not your job to manage that. And what's interesting is if you can accept them not accepting you, it's like the ultimate form of acceptance because demanding that they accept you isn't— is a form of control, isn't it? Like, if we want people to respond to us a certain way and we have that, that like certain expectation, it's almost like there's not unconditional acceptance there too. So it's like there's layers here of accepting. And when we're in that freedom energy, we're also more magnetic. But we also feel more free.

Yeah.

And them not choosing you doesn't mean you're not worthy or you're not enough.

Yes.

Right? That's something you, you get to decide the meaning. You showed up for yourself. That's the only thing you have the ability to do, is to give yourself permission to be the most real, bold, authentic you.

Yes. And that really is like the big takeaway. If I look at that situation, it's just like I just, I was beating myself up for the entire day after that. But it was because of how I abandoned myself. Like, I would like to have shown up as like, I'm holding my center and it doesn't matter. Yeah, I just was not able to in the moment.

Yeah. And now you're aware though. And that part of you is a part of you that wanted to be seen and heard and soothed. And that part of you is where you now brought awareness to. So that part of you even served a purpose, didn't it? Yeah, that part served a purpose too. And we can accept that part of ourselves instead of trying to change it and feeling shameful like it shouldn't be there. No, that's just— that's a part of us. Yes, right? It's a part of us. And the Criticizer is also a part of us. It's a part of— it's an archetype that we all have in some way. And the Criticizer helps us avoid what Rejection. Yep. Yeah. So then we criticize and reject ourselves so that we won't be rejected by other people. So what's interesting is like when these parts come up in interaction, it's like, oh, I see you, Criticizer. Thank you. We don't want to— we don't need to like reject it and criticize the Criticizer. We just accept it. We listen to it. We see it and hear it, but we don't have to live and react with it. Does that make sense? And that works for any part of us. The people pleaser part of us, the perfectionist, the judge, these are all parts of us that we can accept. But then our tendency is, I'm going to now criticize the criticizer, get it to go away. Yeah, it's like, no, let's accept that part of ourselves.

Mhm.

Let's accept it.

The hardest part for me.

Yeah, yeah. And but let's also remember, we get to generate meaning, right?

Mhm. Right.

So that was the hard— that may have been the hardest part for you.

Yes. And now I can practice.

That's where you become aware of your beliefs, because you say, oh, that's so hard to change. Oh, that's so hard for me. Is it? Or have you just been telling yourself that story? You just accepted in like this, you know, this interaction, she's already learning to accept. It's like, it can be easy. You can let it be easy. And now you can practice. Yeah. Now you can. It's just maybe not familiar. When we say like, that's hard for us, it means that's so unfamiliar.

Yes. Yes.

That's all that means. And accepting yourself. Like, can all of you see the, the energy of Jolene now versus when she got on? Just the— her radiance and energy. You can feel it. You can feel it through the screen. You know, there's an acceptance. There's a— and now you've got to feel a little bit about the kind of work that we're doing here, which is really about embodying the energy, embodying a new you. This isn't about just intellectually understanding the childhood energy and, and understanding what part of yours when you were 6 years old and the dad, like It's cool that you're aware of all of this, but where the work really begins is having the vulnerability and the ability to embody it in your body, to like— Express it. To be it. Exactly. To express it, to feel into it. And your homework is gonna be the next time, like, go out and smile at people and let them not smile back. That opens up your energy. And guess what, Jolene, when you have open energy, you are more magnetic and more people will naturally want to interact with you because you have open energy. And if you want to learn how to open and how to move through a shift framework, which is basically what Jolene has gone through, this is something that we do inside the Shift Academy and this is where this kind of work is done. So if you want to be coached, go through this kind of process, become more vulnerable, accepting, repattern your past. These are things that we do inside the Shift Academy. I'll go ahead and link it below. And if you want to watch another coaching session from a live event that I did that did— that people really seem to like and get a lot from, you go and check out this next video right here, somewhere up here.