How to choose yourself so deeply you become dangerously attractive

The degree to which you choose you is the degree to which you allow other people to choose you. And the more you abandon yourself, the more other people will reflect that energy back. So one of the most powerful insights you can have is beginning to stop abandoning yourself and to start choosing the real you. In this video, I'm going to show you how the people in your life reflect back certain energies to you where you give yourself permission to either be the real you or not. And when you begin to integrate what I share in this video, you will find that everything in your life begins to change as a reflection. People respond to you in a new way. You'll find that you have a different glow about you. And you'll find that you're not attached to outcome in the same way you used to be because you are present and choose yourself. So this video is a deep dive on how to stop abandoning yourself, how to start choosing you, and why when you do this, everything in your life will begin to change as a reflection. And in this video, you'll learn step by step how to apply it and plant the seeds of identity-level transformation. When you stop abandoning yourself, the only people that will be triggered by that are people who have benefited from you abandoning yourself to somehow meet their needs. So recognize that anytime you start to choose you, that will shift the dynamics in your life around the people who've been normalized with you abandoning yourself. So for example, if you're somebody that overgives, or someone that is always sensitive and so thoughtful, or you're somebody that maybe pleases in a certain dynamic, and you find yourself being very accommodating, and then you catch yourself and you recognize Wow, this is in a way a pattern. This is something that I can tell I end up abandoning myself to make them happy. And what then ends up happening as a result is you stop doing that. And what happens when you stop abandoning yourself and you start choosing you? Sometimes people will ask me, they'll say, well, I started to choose myself, or I started to express the real me, but then it caused Other people then felt tension. Other people weren't happy with me. And the thing that I say is that that is your initiation into the new you. The unresolved energy there might be to learn to let other people sit with tension, knowing that that's their tension, not your thing to manage. Do you see the difference there? The understanding around, by the way, abandoning yourself. Abandoning yourself is something you do because it's been subconsciously wired in earlier in life because of who you believed you have to be in order to get the approval and validation of other people. So the abandonment itself is something that is a pattern. It's not really you. So the core patterns that I normally talk about here are the different— there's self-reliance or hyper-independence. There is people pleasing, overgiving, invisible, the control pattern. Perfectionist. These are all different core patterns that under the surface— exactly— cause people to feel, to abandon themselves for others. And then they wonder sometimes, might say, why do I attract people who are emotionally unavailable? And when you're— in a way, the key to this is understanding that the key is to not abandon yourself. and to begin choosing yourself and to let other people sit with tension knowing that that tension is their thing, not your thing to manage. I like that. Blake says, bring attention to the tension. Absolutely. Um, you know, there's this interesting idea that I read yesterday, or that I heard yesterday, that I really liked, and it is related, I believe, into abandoning the self because The people that you surround yourself with in your life, there's a version of you that you are when you're around certain people. And if you go through a breakup or you go through where a friendship or some type of relationship changes, you're not just grieving the person and the change in the relationship, you're grieving who you get to be when you're around that person. Think about that for a minute. And think about it. You are a different version of you when you're around your best friend. And you are a different version of you when you're around your boss or someone of authority. You're a different version of you when you're around people that you really want to like you. You're a different version of you. So, what can happen is a lot of times people will think that the power is in the other person when it is a little bit in that, but it's mainly in your ability to give yourself permission to be the real you when you're around certain people. Can you guys ever see that there's like There's certain people you're around, you're very different. Like the people that you feel the most joy when you're around are people that you give yourself the most permission to be the real you when you're around them. Do you guys see? Which is why when someone goes through a breakup or a friendship changes or something like that, you're not just grieving them, you're grieving the person that you got to be when you were around them. And there's certain people that you might have fun around and you might miss them. Part of it is you give yourself permission to be in that contagious energy. Now, here's the deeper layer here. You ready? I think there's certain people we bring into our life that we just resonate with. And then there's certain— and then we get to be ourselves and it's like— It allows us to tap into our inner child and to like be our true selves, and that's authentic and that feels good. Also, by the way, the people you surround yourself that you say you feel safest around are the people that you let— you give yourself permission to be you around the most. Isn't that true? Yeah. Now, there's certain people we bring into our life that allow us to replay familiar dynamics from childhood that feel familiar. So in a way, it's like, why is it that like narcissists or controlling people may attract empaths or people that are sensitive to people's energies? And it's like they feel kind of like they're on 2 different sides of the spectrum, but it's like there's something to learn here, even if what you're learning Is how to say no. Even if what you're learning that their tension is not your thing to manage. If you're learning to see the red flags, there's something to learn here. But often what happens is people get caught up in the story that this is the way life is. Like, this is the way people are. Like, things aren't fair. You need to fight for freedom. You're sensitive to people's emotions, etc. But recognize that that story keeps you trapped in believing that that's the way reality is, instead of recognizing that this person is representing an unresolved energy from childhood. So what is the energy from childhood that can be integrated that will allow you to connect more to yourself? To where then you learn. Because recognize that if, if the belief is it's just in the— it's in the reality, it's in the story, it's not inside of myself, well then guess what happens? You continue to live in what is called Groundhog's Day. You continue to attract the same type of people in your life over and over again. Why? Why does it keep happening? I don't like it. I don't like it. I want it to go away. Well, guess what? They don't go away if the story about they is that that is how they are. And by they, what I mean is I mean like people in general. OK? If your story about people is that you need to fight for freedom and subconsciously you do get payoffs from this, by the way, you get payoffs from believing that other people are controlling and hard to please. And the payoffs are you get to be right about reality in childhood, because to be right about reality in childhood allows you to say, I get it and I understand. It's not fair, I don't like it, but I get it. It doesn't require you to sit with a different type of tension, because let's recognize this— there's tension in that, isn't there? Subconscious tension. So recognize that when you begin to take your power back and you begin to integrate the lessons, you begin to then integrate the need that your subconscious and your inner child had to be validated or to learn a certain lesson or to integrate certain energy. So when I was saying earlier, we attract people into our life That we give ourselves permission to be a certain way around and that when a relationship changes or a breakup happens, etc., you're not just grieving them, you're grieving the you that you got to be around them. What that also means is that there's certain people that get brought into your life where if it's the opposite is true, it might be a reflection of a similar subconscious energy from childhood that wants to be resolved. So, you might say, well, I don't like— like if you attract an avoidant person into your life and you're like, well, I don't like that I'm chasing for their love and approval. I don't like the person I am around them. But there's something about you that is attracting, that you're attracted to them somehow. And normally, it's an inner child part of you that wants to feel seen, heard, soothed, and nurtured. And if we don't give it to them and let it be okay they feel what they feel, we're We will search for it on the outside. So the key here is recognizing that even though you might not like the person you are when you're around certain people, you might be on eggshells around people and you're like, but I don't like that. But guess what? That might be familiar to you. And you might have a very high tolerance for being around people that you feel on eggshells around because— You're familiar. It felt familiar in childhood. It felt familiar, and familiar and familial are very similar words. Look at that: familiar, familial. It's familiar for me to tolerate people that are manipulative. It is familiar for me to tolerate people that are overtakers and where there's non-reciprocal relationships with. But what tolerate means, you tolerate it because you think it's what you deserve, and there's a part of it that feels familiar. It feels familiar. So maybe— and then if you have a very high tolerance, by the way, for this, the degree to which you have a high tolerance for certain people that you feel a burden around is the degree to which you have a certain level of suppressed anger underneath the surface. Because you are most likely angry at yourself for every time you've abandoned yourself to make them happy. But that feels familiar. It feels familiar. It's what I know. And then a lot of times there'll also be like the tolerance becomes like what makes you special and what makes people connected to you, right? I have such a high tolerance for it because I'm a good person and all my friends come to me when they need me, and that makes me feel needed. Now, at the same time, I might abandon myself and I may have nobody I feel I can go to because I'm the strong one in my friend group. I'm the strong one in my family. So for me to have needs would mean everyone else feels like a burden. But you see, the key to this recognition Is that you take your power back when you begin to re-own these parts of yourself that you have been subconsciously neglecting. So recognize that other people's tension is their tension, not yours to manage. When you begin to stop abandoning you and start choosing you— And start choosing you might mean to actually Stop tolerating non-reciprocal relationships in your life. Stop tolerating people that normally you say, I have to. Now, when we think of boundaries, I remember coaching a woman recently and she's like, I have no trouble expressing boundaries. I can express my boundaries. I can say, this is how I feel and I want it to be different. But the challenge for her was not in the expression of boundaries. It was the holding people accountable for the boundaries. Because if you were to go into that and express yourself authentically, and then they don't and aren't able to meet it, and then you say, OK, it's fine, there's no consequences. Then guess what? They'll continue to do it. You are training people with how you want to be treated based on how you allow people to treat you. And if you have a very high tolerance for toxic energy or non-reciprocal relationships, then what will happen is you will continue to resent yourself and be angry at yourself. Because you feel like you don't want to express that outwardly. But that keeps the people— like, maybe a little bit of anger or frustration and sharing how you feel is actually a good way of getting a point across if there is someone that you set a boundary with and then they don't— they're not able to meet it or they don't, like, adhere to it. And one of the ways you do this, by the way, is it's the way in which you do it. When you say, you did this and you made me feel this, that is a projection of energy. When you say, I said this and when this happened, I then felt— I feel frustrated, or I can't continue to be around this energy, or this is my boundary. I see people saying, creating no boundaries keeps me stuck in a bad relationship. And if that feels familiar to childhood, you'll stay in it. Now, so when we're talking about this, this whole idea, right, around the people you surround yourself with, if something changes or you go through a breakup, you're not just grieving them, you're grieving the person and the version of you you got to be. It's like that also with people that are more toxic or non-reciprocal relationship. Even though you might not like the eggshell energy that you are around with certain people, there may be unresolved energy there that is wanting to process itself. So like, okay, so if you abandon yourself around certain people, you could also think, oh, they're, they're the ones doing this to me, when in fact you can learn to give yourself the permission to be the real you around people normally you would abandon yourself around. You see, because part of this is a projection of authority. Like, have any of you ever had someone in your life that maybe you somehow— there's a level of authority that's been projected onto them where you're like, oh, I would like their approval or validation, or they're so cool. And really, by the way, they're so cool because The reason you think they're cool is because there's a part of you that you don't think you are and you think they have it, when in fact they're reflecting back to you your own power. But have you ever had it where there's someone you're around and then you might be kind of like not just on eggshells, but you might not give yourself permission to be the real you? So you kind of are like a version of that. And then when you're around them, you can feel that kind of energy. Yeah. Because there's a projection of that energy. And maybe it's a little bit weird, but then what happens is maybe eventually you give yourself permission to be the real you. You take off the rose-colored glasses, you give yourself permission to be the weird, authentic you that has a little flair or whatever it is, and then that can reestablish that connection. It can reestablish your way of being. But for a while, you're like, why was I weird like that for a minute? And a lot of times it's that authority play of like putting someone else on eggshells or putting someone else on authority, which allows you to be on eggshells, which feels familiar. But at times, what you can recognize is that if you can give yourself permission, maybe part of the reason people like that are in your life is to show you your power and for you to give yourself permission to be the real you, knowing that the stakes aren't really high. Because that's what happens with authority. When we put people on a pedestal, right? The stakes become very high. And it becomes very important what they think. And remember, anything that's really important, we create a lot of resistance around. And when we create a lot of resistance, we constrict our energy and then we're not giving ourselves permission to be our true selves. So, okay, so let's play. Someone says, how do I stop attracting narcissists? Now let's use this example though of the whole authority thing. So when you start being the real you, what I mean by that is expressing the real you, and you get in touch with the stored anger under the surface, and you have the ability to stop tolerating non-reciprocal relationships and energy where you feel you have to fix. You'll stop attracting narcissists, and you'll stop also attracting people that you feel like you're on that eggshell energy around. Because instead of being in the eggshell energy, you will give yourself permission to express the real you. So realize there is only really you and your relationship with you, and then there are other people That you might not give yourself permission to be the real you around. But some of those people might be in your life to show you either you can give yourself permission to be the real you around, which means being vulnerable, expressive, and present, or they might be around because then you recognize, oh, my sense of self-worth is higher than that, and I choose not to be around people that are— non-reciprocal in relationship or manipulative or taking advantage of you, etc. So then you go the other way. But the reason people attract narcissists and controlling people is because they get into that energy and they stay around it because they tolerate it. It feels familiar and normal. Now, subconsciously, there is an unresolved energy there, and someone that is narcissistic or controlling has a very strong sense of perceived reality. It's not a strong sense of self. It's a strong sense of perceived false self. But what happens is that strong sense of false self allows the empath or the person that's in the narcissistic dynamic to feel in familiar dynamics to childhood, which might be being on eggshells, trying to make them happy, etc. And also, this person will feel like they need— oh, I am needed by this person because no one else is going to put up with this toxic energy. So this person is learning, and the, the strong sense of false self over here is reflecting back a certain level of self here that it's like, I want to also be— subconsciously, I want to be in a strong sense of self. This is a false self of the narcissist, but it's the, it's the symbol there. So there's something to learn from this, and it's to learn How to stop abandoning you, how to start expressing the real you, and how to let people be with tension knowing it's not your thing to manage. So the key to this is recognizing what is the energy in your life right now, what are the challenges in your life right now, or the hard relationships in your life right now, and what are they reflecting back to you and your permission to give yourself permission to be the real you. Is there something to learn or integrate here? You guys see? So, if you guys have questions, go ahead and put it in the— So, here's a good— what is the difference between correcting someone's behavior and just setting boundaries since their behavior is not my responsibility? If you look at the question itself, what is the difference between correcting someone's behavior? So there's— the difference here is in the projection of what your role is in this dynamic. If you are correcting someone else's behavior, it is assuming that it is your job to correct their incorrect behavior. The intention is on them. Now, setting boundaries is something that you set for yourself, and they can choose whether they relate to you in that way or not and whether they want to continue to be in your life or not. And if things come up for them and they feel tension or they use guilt to get you back, that's because they've been benefiting from you abandoning yourself to be around them. Now, what I would also look at is Realizing it's not your job to correct their behavior. It's not your job to, like, to tie yourself to them and whether they're able to adjust for you or not. Your job is to express yourself and to hold yourself in that boundary. So really, what's the difference in the sense of— it's almost like the difference is the attachment to whether you're able to correct their behavior or not. When you're actually expressing your boundary for you, and whether they can meet it or not, that's on them. But you have to be the one to uphold your boundaries and the consequences of that if they don't, which might mean you retract your energy, you have to set a boundary again. But like I said, some people, they don't have trouble setting boundaries. They have trouble reinforcing the boundaries because they'll say like, Hey, so you know when you did this thing or you said this, I felt this way. And like, I expressed it. But they expressed it from an energy of like very— like, I feel guilty setting it. Am I worthy to set a boundary? I just want you to know that one time you said this. It's like, no. Feel inside of your body. Feel the space between you and them. Express how you feel. If they can meet it, Great. If they can't meet it, that's okay too. But setting clear boundaries is about understanding, is about really feeling in the space between their tension and your tension. But it also allows you to start creating safety within yourself. You know, it's interesting because often boundaries are connected to an anger. You know, when you think of boundaries, the emotion of anger If people cross your boundaries, that's a very common emotion. It's like, I feel— and a lot of times this can create passive-aggressive energy or self-internalized anger because of all the times you've abandoned yourself for others. The key for many people that have trouble setting boundaries or keep abandoning themselves is that the, the key is not just that the anger is not there, the anger just might not be expressed. Which means it's internalized. So there's anger and rage towards the self. There's anger and rage towards mom and dad who didn't respect your boundaries, or you felt responsible for them. And if you tap into that anger or rage, wow, it's a lot of power. Now, something we're going to be doing, by the way, starting on Wednesday is a 3-day Magnetic You Challenge. It's completely free. We're gonna be looking at these subconscious ways in which we abandon ourself, begin to release the energy under the surface, like the shame, anger, guilt, et cetera, and then begin to wire in our most magnetic selves so that we attract deep love, connection, relationships, and opportunities in our life. So if you do wanna join, you can comment the word magnetic or click the link in my bio. So you guys have questions, go ahead and put it in. So yeah, it's interesting. The last videos this week have been kind of like a lot of like anger, boundary setting, abandoning the self. Like, because your job to not abandon you and to— what does that actually mean to choose you? You guys ever hear people say that? Like, choose you. It's time to choose yourself. What does it mean to choose yourself? To choose yourself, like to choose your own emotional availability. Choosing yourself is, it takes courage. And part of that, I think choosing yourself is also directly correlated to your ability to let people sit with tension, recognizing that their tension is not your thing to manage. People that abandon themselves normally in childhood learned that it was their responsibility to ease other people's tension. And that's the challenge because then everyone else's emotions and energies become something to manage. So I can't choose me, which means I can't be me. I can't be vulnerable and authentic because if I am, people will feel tension. But where does that tension end up anyways? That tension ends up on the inside, doesn't it? That tension ends up suppressed underneath the surface, and that tension turns into anger towards the self. So recognize that one of the biggest ways in which you can begin to shift your relationship to yourself and not abandon yourself any longer is for you to recognize that other people's tension is not your thing to manage. That when you start to express the real you and choose the real you, if stuff comes up for them and they want you to go back to the way you've always been, the part of them that's being triggered is the part of them that benefited from you abandoning you. So it's a good thing. It's a good thing when you let people sit with tension and then you are priming them for how you want to be related to. And you're also priming yourself. Like, this becomes— this tension becomes your way of embracing a new you. The tension is going to be suppressed on the inside, or it can be expressed into the world. And if you express it into the world, you're afraid other people will feel tension, but that expression might allow people to also learn a new way to relate to you. Because you are priming people with how you want to be treated by how you allow people to treat you. And if you have a very high tolerance for non-reciprocal or toxic energy, then you are in a dynamic that normally is an unresolved energy from childhood. And if you were to not tolerate it, which means to express the real you, to set boundaries, then you would begin to break that pattern because you would not be tolerating it anymore. Yeah. So choosing the self, not abandoning the self. The abandonment— when you think of the deepest level work you do around this, it has to do with inner child work because There was an inner child inside of every one of us of who we believed we had to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love and approval. And that pattern became a role with repetition. So like this happens where people are like pleasing mom and dad. People pleasers tend to originally have been parent pleasers. So they had a pattern of people pleasing, parent pleasing. They'd practice the pattern for a certain number of time. And then they said, I am people pleaser subconsciously. My job, please people. It's my caveman voice. My job, please people. I people please as kid. That's my role. I get approval and validation when I do that. And I don't have to get into the icky tension that comes up if people not happy with me. This is pattern though. This is not you. Patterns that have been with enough repetition become a role. And when you let go of that role, you become free. But letting go of that role means you have to stand up for yourself. Letting go of that role means it's going to reestablish the dynamics of a lot of other people in your life that are used to you pleasing them. So you breaking that role is going to cause other people to feel tension. And if you think their tension is yours, you're going to be like, how do I— I can't even break out of this. You can. You just have to remember it's not your— their tension is not yours, and their tension that they feel and you feel is good. Tension is good because it allows you to express it instead of repress it. Someone says, how do we release the anger? One of the most powerful ways I found to release anger is through breathwork. So powerful for releasing stored energy in the body. The cool thing about a lot of the stuff I'm sharing, by the way, if you do a deep level of breathwork, certain types of somatic release breathwork, you don't have to understand every little childhood thing that happened. You don't have to understand the pattern at the level to which people think they need to intellectually understand the pattern, because sometimes intellectually understanding the pattern is a mechanism And a way of distracting yourself from feeling the energy under the surface. How many of you been doing this work for a while? You've been doing the inner work, you've been going inwards, you've been doing inner child work, you've been doing the meditations, but you still feel stuck. And part of it is there's energy stored inside the body. And you think intellectually figuring it out will solve the problem and allow you not to feel what you feel. The key is to actually embrace what you feel, to actually accept that inner child's version of you instead of being ashamed by it, embarrassed by it. And when you begin to tap into that energy, you begin to become more free. You begin to develop a new relationship, and you— but feeling it. So something I'm doing on Thursday this week is a breathwork ceremony in my 3-day free Magnetic You Challenge. So, if you do want to join, you can comment the word magnetic or click the link. But that's what we're going to be doing, releasing that energy. So, the beautiful thing is that through breath, it's a very powerful way. Some of the most powerful transformations I've ever had in my life were through breathwork and me not understanding it intellectually but releasing it. And even though I didn't understand everything that happened, my life completely transformed afterwards. So anyways, how many of you guys had fun today? Do you guys want me to post this as the replay? This one was fun. So like, what is going on right now? So I have, um, for those of you that know, I'm running a live event in Sedona, Arizona, October 28th, 29th, 30th. It's going to be awesome. It's 3 days of transformation for going beyond just intellectually understanding, but how to embody a new you. It's using the power of breathwork, meditations, and somatic practices for changing at the identity level. If you want to check it out, you can see the link is in my bio to grab your spot. Early bird tickets are available now. Also, I will be doing that 3-day challenge that starts on Wednesday. So if you want to join that, you can. Other than that, thank you guys all for being here. I will see you guys. Did you guys have fun? What are you doing today? Isn't that fun? Today, what am I doing today? So, in a week from now, I go to California. Moving to California. I'm going to a week-long transformational retreat where I won't have my phone for an entire week. That'll be awesome. I'll let you guys know what happens with that. Moving next— not this Tuesday but next Tuesday into a new house. And then I'll be going back and forth between Sedona and there. I'll be running events in Sedona and LA. So anyways, there's a lot of cool things happening. It's been busy. It's been busy but fun. I've been really establishing like stability and like consistency in my own, like with going live. How many of you guys have noticed I've been going live a lot more? It's been fun to go live. I'm realizing I like to create content live interacting with all of you, kind of like we are now. So the goal is to like continue making content in ways in which I enjoy, and then also, uh, going, you know, doing live events. I really want to be more in my zone of genius and do what I love. And I also like, I realize I like putting out lots of content. Like I've been putting out lots of content for a while, but I've always had like a love-hate relationship with forced content. But when I do these, it takes on a life of their own. I just kind of like know the hook. Like when I come into these lives, I know like the first sentence and then it just takes on a life, which is kind of cool. Um, but yeah, it's been fun engaging with all of you. We had a lot of people on this one. We had almost 200 people most of the time, so that's pretty cool. Um, anyways, other than that, I'll put the replay of this up. And yeah, hope you guys have a great day. As always, peace, much love, and namaste. And if you want to learn step by step how to stop abandoning yourself and how to feel safe in your own body, the most powerful technique I've ever found is called the Frame Technique. It's a free YouTube video you can watch here that will completely transform your life if you do that for 21 days.