How to Heal Your Inner Child and End Neediness FOREVER

Imagine setting yourself on fire so that you can keep other people warm. This is exactly what codependency is like. When people abandon themselves to make other people happy, there is a subconscious desire there of wanting their own needs to be met. And the idea is that if I can give and ease someone else's tension, then I will have my own needs met. However, have you ever noticed that people that have codependent patterns, they want to feel safe, yet they keep attracting people into their lives that are emotionally not safe, that don't choose them, and that have them staying stuck in the same pattern of abandoning themselves over and over again? So the very strategy that was developed as a coping mechanism as a kid has now become the thing that continues to attract people that reflect back and can't even help you meet that need. Now, in this video, what I want to do is I want to show you the cure to codependency. I want to show you how you can begin doing very powerful inner child work that can completely change your life from the inside out. And I wanna show you how this will completely change your energy from the inside out simply by watching and experiencing this transformation that I want to show you. Now, first off, let me say that when it comes to codependency, this is something that on my channel I have talked about before through a process that I called the frame technique. Which is where you learn the difference between subject and object. Now, subject and object is where, as a person that is an empath that can feel other people's energies, many times empaths will attract narcissists. Now, if you look at this triangle right here, this is called the victim triangle. You see codependency. This is the opposite of co-regulation, Really what you want to begin to pattern yourself for is co-regulation so that you heal. Co-regulation with your own inner child and you start to meet the needs of your own inner child and you will then not look to others to meet the subconscious needs that you have. Now, codependency is a strategy as a kid that people create in order to stay in familiar territory. Now this right here is called the perpetrator-victim-rescuer triangle. So people that are people pleasers will find themselves as rescuers. You can think of the damsel in distress that needs to be saved as the victim. The perpetrator is somebody that maybe acts out against others, maybe doesn't feel safe or is the bully. And what you'll find is if this was a pattern that was alive when you were a kid, you may be recreating it over and over again in different relationships in your life because this may be a familiar pattern for relationships for you. So what happens is the needs that weren't met as a kid then get projected on other people to then feel worthy, whole, and complete. Now let me share with you a little bit about how I shed this pattern in my own life. Now in my life, I had a pattern of being what is called a rescuer, someone that was saving other people. I would find myself in relationships where when dating someone, it was like I would choose people that maybe would look to me as somebody that was like not of authority, but somebody that would look to me and like kind of I saw as someone I could help. This is where sometimes people will fall in love with people's potential and they're like, if I could just help this person realize who they are, then they will accomplish that and they'll be exactly what I want them to be instead of helping them to feel worthy, whole, and complete for who they are and holding them in the space to where they could figure it out. Now in my life, I think that last year for sure was the edge, was the rest of this energy because years ago, I feel like I shed most of this. But recently, something that I could tell that happened was one of the final vestiges of this was that in my own life, my mom passed away about a year, less than a year ago. But when my mom passed away, it was a shock to my family. It was out of nowhere. She had a heart attack. And I love my mom very deeply. This is not my step, my ex-stepmom, by the way. This is my actual real mom. Now, what happened is my brother and sister, very close with my mom, they actually lived with my mom. And there was this energy of fixing where I was the rescuer to not only my mom, but my brothers and sisters. The last year, the last 2 years my mom was alive, I was supporting her and paying for, my mom had a job, but she was always like, money for her was always more challenging. Here comes the eldest son that's successful. Mom, I want to do something for you. I'm going to pay for a house for you for a year to help you get on your feet. So what I did is I got my mom, my mom didn't have good credit, so I got my mom into a house in Vegas and she would go to work and she didn't have to pay the bills. So she had a lot more freedom. Like, okay, now, Mom, you could save money. And then shortly after that, my brother and sister who are 27, 28 years old moved in with my mom. And they're in this house. And what happened was, is I was kind of like the rescuer. See, Mom, I can help you. I'm worthy. And my mom was very grateful. After a year, the rule was though, after a year, You have to get on your own feet and you have to start like paying for it for yourself. I've just helped you because of the credit. And my mom was very grateful. But what happened is after that year, I ended up telling my mom like, okay, it's been a year now. How much money do you have saved? And there wasn't a lot of money saved at all. And I was like, okay, well, I need to stay in my frame here and not like just say, okay, it's okay. I'll just pay forever. For it, I wanted her to learn, 'cause I felt like when it comes to money, I've had a pattern in the past where I help people with things by giving them money and it never works. Like you can give someone money, they don't appreciate it, it doesn't solve their problem because the issue is like what you do with the money, what you do with the energy, 'cause money is energy. So really it's an energy challenge. But nonetheless, basically what happened is this year came up And the goal was for them to get in their own, like to put it under their name and for them to deal with it, my mom and my siblings. Well, then my mom passes away randomly from a heart attack. It was a lot of, it was very shocking. So I go to Vegas, I'm with my brothers and sisters. It was a very connective moment for all of us to connect. However, it was a very challenging emotionally time for all of us, as you can imagine. However, then my mom passes away and then guess who's, you know, still in the house? My brother and my sister. I'm still playing the rescuer role. And what I realized was after a few months, I was like, okay, you guys need to get your own thing figured out. You guys are adults. I'm not gonna, you know, obviously pay for my siblings to live forever. And they didn't, you know, when it comes to money and things like that, they didn't, you know, they had like jobs here and there, but it was kind of inconsistent. And what I realized is that my mom with my brother and sister would always take them back and kind of like enable them to be the victim. My mom was the rescuer for my brother and my sister. So here I am being the rescuer for my mom. My mom is the rescuer for my brother and my sister. And then what I realized is after my mom passed, they weren't learning. After like 4 or 5 months of paying rent on this house, I'm like, okay, you guys need to get into your own situation now. And I had to go through a process of literally being very firm with it 'cause it was also under my credit. So I had to like go through the whole thing of helping them get outta the house, paying for movers. It was a whole entire thing that was honestly somewhat stressful. However, I had to break the ties from being that energy. Now, there was, not from both my siblings, but there was a certain victim energy of like, you are the family member that is successful, you are meant to pay, and you should pay. Like, that was like the entitlement, I guess you could say. And what happened is that energy, I had to stand firm in my decision to do that, knowing that guilt is a form of control. It's a form of keeping things the way they are because it wasn't fair to me. Remember, that codependent rescuer energy was like me lighting myself on fire to keep other people warm. Here I am working my ass off, basically, having a business where there's expenses, like busy and taking care of family members. It wasn't fair to me. So what I realized though, the epiphany for me is that I was actually enabling them. I was keeping them in the victim mentality, not allowing them to grow up by staying in that rescuer mode. So what I ended up doing is breaking that pattern by holding them in a vision like, you guys can figure this out. I believe in you. I don't see you as a victim any longer. I don't feel guilty or bad like I have to fix you and help you in that same way. So what I did is I made a choice to, in a way, cut that tie of that role. The love is still there, by the way. I still love my siblings, but the codependency is no longer there. And some people, you know, some people may not like that. Some people are okay, some people may not like that, but that's just how it is. I can't continue to do that, and I didn't, and now I feel way more free, way less of a burden, the stress is gone because I'm enabling them to figure out their own stuff. And I know long-term they're going to grow more and actually learn instead of doing what my mom did and what I did, which is fix it, fix it, fix it. When that's not what they need. Do you see what that is? And part of my, the codependency of that is that I was getting my needs met, I felt feeling like a good son, like feeling like I'm helping them, but I could tell I was abandoning myself in the process. So you end up abandoning yourself, becomes normalized when you're in this codependent energy. Now I can also see the perpetrator, victim, rescuer dynamic when I was working my 9 to 5 job selling women's shoes, I had someone that was very similar to my ex-stepmom. My ex-stepmom was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic. And remember, narcissists and empaths attract each other because there's a codependent energy there. Narcissists need the energy of the empath, just like the empath, weirdly enough, wants the frame and the certainty of the narcissist, even though it's toxic. It feels familiar. It's playing a role. So when you think of the perpetrator, I had someone in my life that was basically telling me what to do, things weren't fair. Then years later, I'm working selling women's shoes. There's a boss that's, things aren't fair, getting away with everything, just like my ex-stepmom got away with a lot of stuff, replaying that same pattern over and over again. So the key to this is realizing where are the needs being met? Because there was a weird part of me back in 2012 when I went through my awakening, And even before that, 2000, like when the divorce happened between my dad and my ex-stepmom, they call this Stockholm syndrome. I remember when my dad divorced my ex-stepmom, there was a feeling like something was missing, like an anxiety that came with all the freedom. All of a sudden I'm able to have friends, able to have enough food to eat, able to watch television, had to sneak it before, wasn't locked outside working all day, all this freedom, but there was anxiety with that. So I kept attracting people in my life to continue to play that perpetrator, then I could be the victim or the rescuer. Then I started to step in my power and I started, I forgave my ex-stepmom. I think that's part of it too. Forgiveness is a very powerful way, but ultimately there's an inner child part of you that feels dependent on these dynamics to get your needs met. And everything changed when I began to co-regulate. This is the difference. Co-regulation, you wanna think of this like, let's look at some examples, by the way. Let's look at examples of how this may be created as a kid. Imagine a child comes and says, "You are the worst dad ever." And imagine what the dad says is, "That hurts daddy's feelings. How could you say that?" That to the kid, kids are then gonna feel bad. His or her emotions were not validated. When instead, a way to help build regulation or empathy would be an adult coming from a higher level of consciousness almost said, "You must be really upset about something to say that. Let's take a breath and cool off a bit so we can figure out what feels so bad. It's important." Do you see the difference of those two energies? One validates the emotions and one invalidates the emotions. Imagine you and your sibling are fighting and your parents come in. You're supposed to be friends. It makes me sad that you guys argue so much. Shame, feeling like I'm doing something wrong, maybe feeling like the perpetrator is mom saying that, or the villain of the sibling. When instead mom or dad could be like, "Hey, I can tell something's going on with you two. How about I spend a little bit of time with you and a little bit of time with you and we'll figure this out?" The emotions are then validated. And imagine that what happens too, I think, is that there's a story of blame very often within here. You're either blaming someone else for being the perpetrator, blaming someone else for being the victim, blaming like this person just can't get their stuff together. They just can't get their stuff together. There's a story there instead of a co-regulation of validation, validating the emotions within yourself. So very often it'll be a blame story. And just like you can hear in those examples, it's blame, blame the kid. You hurt daddy's feelings. Why would you do that? Instead of like validation of that. So something to become aware of here is that most of the, like the interrelational problems that we have in our life come from the dynamic between the child, the mom, and the dad. These are our first relationships into this world. Or you could say your caregivers. Now what happens is if you had parents that were able to self-regulate or co-regulate with you, then this won't be as heavy. So becoming securely attached is about really getting to the inner child part of you and helping that inner child self-regulate, showing them how to self-regulate. This is where you can be empathic with your inner child, not shame them for what they're feeling and have open communication with that part of you and even with your mom and your dad. Because ultimately what you want to attract, one of the most important qualities to attract in a partner is somebody that is able to regulate or co-regulate with you, which means they're not looking to you to meet their needs and you're not looking to them to meet your needs. However, there is a dance of this energy where there's times you can lean on them, there's times they can lean on you. but there's an awareness there. It's not a victim story, a blame story. Now, co-regulation and getting to this inner child energy is so powerful because what you begin to do is you begin to realize that there's an inner child part of you that's needs weren't met. As you begin to go back in a meditation or in a process and heal that inner child part of you by being present and breathing with that part of you, you will notice you start to feel like your needs are met. You then begin to relate to people in another way because ultimately what the cure is to this is to stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You know when people say, "I just love so deeply. I just love so deeply. That's just who I am. I'm just such a lover." You love so deeply because there's a belief that first off, codependency is love, But secondly, the more I can love, the more you're going to give, the more you're gonna give me back in exchange, which is not love because love is unconditional, it's manipulation. And when you realize that what you were doing is a give to then get type energy instead of an unconditional thing, you start to realize that there's an inner child part of you that's overgiving. And this is why being present with that inner child part of you that believes you're not worthy is so powerful here. Because most likely as well, another pattern you might get is you might either project these onto other people or attract people to play these roles, but you might also choose people that don't choose you. Why? Because you're trying to turn them into, okay, if I can attract someone like mom or dad, prove it. I can give so much. I can rescue them so much. I can control them so much so that then I get my needs met. But that's manipulation. Understand, you don't wanna be nice. You wanna be kind. Kind is no attachment to outcome. Nice, think about that. Anytime someone says, oh, that person's nice. Oh, he's nice. She's nice. I don't know. She's nice. No, it's like a— that's not a compliment. That's offensive. You don't want to be nice. You want to be kind. You don't want to be manipulative. That's what nice is. Codependency is very manipulative, needy energy. And the core of this, the most powerful part of this that will completely transform your life is when you stop abandoning yourself by choosing to connect to the own inner child part of you. When I began to do this, I saw that there was an inner child part of me that felt not chosen. Mom had a lot of stuff going on when I was a baby. Her dad passed away. My brother was born who had health complications. And there was this energy there, a feeling like this, I internalized shame. There's something wrong with me. Who do I need to be in order to get my needs met? But what I was able to do is go into meditation, connect to the inner child part of me that felt not seen, heard, soothed, and nurtured. And as I breathed with that little Aaron, I started to feel completely different. As I started to listen to that part of me. Some of the most powerful work I do in my coaching is I help people get to the core of their inner child. And it's interesting 'cause people will come on when I'm doing like hot seat coaching, they'll come on and they'll go, yeah, well, my problem is I don't have clarity and I feel this way. And then you bring it back and you find out that most of people's challenges and problems are reflection of an inner child, could be reflected back to an inner child part of ourselves that feels lost in the timeline, a part of ourselves that feels like their needs not met, and it's just playing itself out in these subconscious ways as an adult. And when you begin to see, hear, soothe, and nurture that own inner child and part of you, you will begin to feel completely different. So another part of this too is learning co-regulation. One of the most powerful things I've learned is I went through a process of what's called breathwork. Breathwork is where you breathe in a specific pattern, not specific, it's actually just breathing in lots of oxygen and you release stored emotion inside of the body. And as you do, you start to express it. You might cry, you might yell, you might laugh, and it releases stored tension inside of your body. That may be the codependent energy that's attracting certain people 'cause it's subconscious suppressed energy. Now all of a sudden you begin to regulate yourself. A lot of this has to do with the breathing. Co-regulation and self-regulation can be about bringing the presence inside of the body and feeling connected to your breath. Now breathwork is one of the most powerful processes I've ever learned. I got certified in it. It was so powerful. And that really changed my life, even just getting certified in it. But if you want to experience a free breathwork ceremony that I have, it's not on YouTube because of the music that's used. It's like a ceremony. It's a little over an hour. You can listen to it for free in High Vibe 101. It's a $1,000 course for free in my community called High Vibe Tribe, which is free. You can download it. You can check it out by going below. It's in the High Vibe 101 section under like a heal section. You'll see the breathwork there. And you can listen to the breathwork. It's a whole ceremony. You can listen to it whenever you want. Don't recommend doing it more than like once a month, but it is extremely powerful. So much of my life has shifted from doing breathwork. I've had some huge shifts where I did that breathwork and certain patterns fell out of my life, certain people fell out of my life, but it made room for new, which is amazing. And in that High Vibe 101 course, I also kind of show you how to heal and look at the energy between mom, dad, and child because Dad energy can be represented of abundance, boundaries, money, purpose. Mom energy is relational energy, love, connection, intimacy. When you heal these two things, you heal those aspects of your life through forgiveness. And that's one thing I show you inside that of the program, which is free. And then also, if you wanna learn Ho'oponopono, that's another extremely powerful way to heal this energy. Ultimately, healing with mom and dad is one of the most powerful things you can do. I have a video on Ho'oponopono. It's one of my most popular videos on the subject. Go ahead and check it out right here. By far the most powerful healing modality I've ever found