How to Spot Draining People Before They Enter Your Life

Why is it when you are around certain people you feel drained? Why is it when you go out in the public and you are around many people, you may also feel drained? Why is it why there are times where actually being around certain people gives you energy, where you feel you are free to be the real you. And what if there was a simple energy practice you could do that would allow you to feel more in your power, more able to be around people and not be energetically drained? Maybe you're around people at work that you kind of have to be around, or you're around family members or friends that you feel you have to be around, and therefore you find yourself drained around them, or you find yourself feeling depleted and you don't know why. But you want to know, what is something I can do that can completely transform my life, that can allow me to be the real me? Now, this is something I've become aware of in my own life recently. Where for so long I would tell myself the story that when I go out in public and I'm around lots of people, I feel drained. I'm just somebody that likes to be in my own energy, which partially I think is still somewhat true. But one thing I've become aware of that is a huge epiphany that has had me look at this in a completely new way is realizing that when I go out in public there is an energy drain because there's also a subconscious part of myself that feels I need to be a certain way that is different than just how I naturally am. But what's interesting is anybody that you see that goes out in public that likes to be around people, they usually are people that allow themselves to be their true selves even around people. Even as you think about this right now, do you have certain friends that when you are around, you are yourself? You can, you have this unconditional energy where you can say weird things and know that it might just be funny, but you don't necessarily feel judged and you're able to actually just express yourself. Even if it's just one other person, it may even be your dog. Your dog doesn't judge you. Your pets might not judge you. You might have a little lizard that just sits there and perches on your shoulder or something. That just came to my mind. I was like, just visualize a lizard on the shoulder chilling. And imagine that lizard's just chilling. It's not judging you. And you're like, I love the lizard. I could just be myself. I think one of the reasons we have unconditional love for many animals is because they have unconditional love for us and we give ourselves permission just to be our real selves. Now what's interesting is you might have one or two friends in your life or more where you can be yourself, and what's interesting is when you're around these people, You might feel more alive. You might feel more free. And then you might say to yourself, well, why is it when I'm around all these other people, I feel drained? Now, often what can happen and what the trap is, is some people say, well, the reason that is is because my friends are good people and all these other people want something from me. 'all these other people have these demands of me,' or 'all these other people just use me.' The thing to become aware of though is that that energy dynamic and that story will keep you attracting people into your life that play out that pattern. And the power of this is realizing that instead of an us versus them mentality, which is what I had for a long time, Because I would tell myself that I am the kind of person that just needs to be in my own energy. And then when I go out in public or I'm around even certain friends, but maybe they're not super close, I still feel like I have to be different. And that was just the story about reality. And think about how limiting that is. It's like you can only really be you when you are at home in your own energy. In your room alone or at your house alone. And what I've realized recently about myself is if I give myself more permission to be the real me when I'm in public, when I'm around certain new friends or I'm around people in general, guess what? I start to feel more free. I start to actually have more fun. And when I realized that whether they like me or not is not my thing to manage, that's been a freeing thing. You know, part of this realization actually came from my relationship with my girlfriend where I realized that after so many months of being around each other a lot, and first off, we were almost like pretty much best friends for like 5 years, so we kind of already know a lot about each other. But then as we were around each other more and more, I realized that after a certain period of time, I would feel like I was needing like space to just be in my own energy. And I would realize, what I was realizing is that part of that is, you know, working from home and stuff like that. There was a healthy dynamic of being able to work and she worked, you know, we were able to do our thing. But one thing that I realized is I simply wasn't always giving myself permission to be the real me. There was almost like this projection or not just mask, but like way I wanted to be perceived. And that was creating an energy where I was feeling like I was in a box. I was energetically feeling like I was in like walking on eggshells when actually she's unconditionally supportive, accepting, and loving. But in my mind, I was creating that for myself because of how I wanted to come off. So I find myself, if there was like after work, so after I work for a while, sometimes after I eat and get ready to go to the gym, I'll watch some like dumb things on YouTube and put it like on the TV and like kind of like relax right before I go to the gym. And what I realized is I wouldn't do that because I was subconsciously afraid that she would think it was dumb or of how it made me look. And then what would happen is I would feel like I was on eggshells or not able to be the real me. Maybe I subconsciously felt like I wasn't gonna be accepted, or I thought it was weird, some of the stuff that I watched. And what I realized was that in a way, I was just doing that to myself. I was creating a box where I was walking on eggshells where I felt like I had to be a certain way in order to be loved or accepted. Now, interestingly enough, this was a very familiar energy in childhood. There was a way I had to be as a kid between 7 to 17 years old where I had to be perfect, on eggshells. I was around then a controlling person ex-stepmom who was controlling and had a certain way that I had to be, and you never really knew where she stood because her emotions would change. And it was this thing where I constantly had to tune in order to survive and get by, but I subconsciously felt like I was on eggshells. So is it interesting that now in a relationship, I am projecting that same energy into the space and trying to not be seen a certain way? And then saying, well, I just need a lot of time to myself to be in my room alone so that I can finally be myself. But as I started to realize this, I started to realize, wait, I'm just doing this to me. And then what I decided to do is I decided to shed that energy and to be more in my own frame of reality. I decided instead I'm going to express the real me. I'm gonna watch what I wanna watch. I'm going to still communicate and everything. And you know, but it's like it completely switched around the energy dynamic, which also went into polarity because I realized that when I got back into that energy, then I'm also more in my own masculine energy, which is more magnetic, attractive, and polarizing, which also allows the feminine to feel safe. To relax more, to be more feminine. So it's interesting how this one idea also allowed me to question this whole idea of empaths who can feel other people's energies, who might feel drained around certain people but alive around certain people. And a lot of times subconsciously, I think empaths feel alive when they are helping people. And part of that could be, you know, I think a lot of people that went through a certain childhood may have developed an ability to tune to other people, which is useful in certain contexts and within a certain balance. If you're able to tune to other people or you're like a therapist or a coach or something like that, it can be very useful to understand how people feel, or you're in the health profession or a nurse or, That could be very useful, but also it can be not useful if you are drained around people and feel it is your burden to fix them, to help them, et cetera. And that's where then you can carry on the energy of other people and feel drained. Part of you gets something out of it. If you can fix someone, help someone and make them feel better, their emotion feels like your emotion. Because as a kid, you may have had to expand your energy to include your environment. And what may then happen is then you go around in public and you're around people and literally, who do I need to be? How do I need to help? And that then creates a pressure. How can you be yourself when you literally feel like your job is to fix people? Your job is to absorb the energy of people. Your job is to ease the tension for people. You see, when you believe that's your role and you believe that that's who you need to be to survive, you're going to feel drained around people. So something to look at here is your relationship to to relationships, your relationship to people, because people with relational trauma will be people that only feel safe and comfortable once they close their house door. Ah, I can finally be myself. But my challenge to you today is what if you could give yourself more permission to be the real you in public, around acquaintances, around certain family members that maybe you haven't been yourself around. And as you are that real version of you, guess what happens? You start to feel more free. I remember one time I was hanging out at this place, actually here in Austin. I'm in Austin right now for a little bit longer, and I was at this place where I was getting IVs done, and I was with all these like kind of like entrepreneur friends and just people that were acquaintances, and there was this one guy there that was like a new guy I was getting to know, and I remember this moment where this guy owns a company. He's actually been on Joe Rogan before, and he has a company that has to do with like stem cells and stuff here in Austin, and I remember talking to this guy, And I remember that at one moment he was talking about stem cells and stuff, and I had this idea that popped in my head. I was like, huh, I wonder if stem cells that come from certain people that have a certain genetic past. So for example, is there a difference in value of stem cells for someone that has had a lot of trauma or a lot of pain or stem cells from somebody that doesn't? Because I was thinking of epigenetics and like kind of like ancestral energy. It was this like esoteric thought that I had. And I had this option where I was gonna bring it up or not. And it was just a weird idea, right? But I remember in the moment I was like, no, yeah, this is an esoteric thought. And some of these people I'm around are very like kind of like grounded entrepreneur people that might not be into this like esoteric thing around energy, even though I think it's also science. Because that was my res— okay, if you put someone else's stem cells in your body, well, what's their genetic energy? History, stuff like that. That was like the thought process. And I remember I had an option to share that and then I almost didn't. But then the last minute I was like, you know what? It's authentic for me to share this. I was like, what about this? Is there a difference between this and this? And I kind of laid it out. And he thought about it for a minute. He's like, I have never thought of that. He looked like intrigued by it. Not that he's like, my whole life has changed. This is the most interesting person I've ever met in my life. Oh my God, you're so cool. But it was like, oh, I never thought of that. And he thought about it for a minute and I could tell that it was just like a, it was like a moment where I was like, oh, I'm glad I mentioned it. It was like, cool, the conversation, the conversation took on a life of its own. But I remember that moment where I had the choice to kind of hold myself back or to express something where the fear is that if I express this kind of weird thing and if I express the real me, I could be seen as a weirdo. Could be some form of rejection or I don't know, could be some weird thing. Who knows? But what I'm aware of and what I was aware of is that I was holding myself back from actually expressing the real me. I then expressed the real me and it was actually met with more unique connection and thought-provoking conversation. Now, there are times you might share the real you when especially you've been living for a long time not sharing the real you, and it might be that some people don't get it. Well, guess what? That might be the filter that allows some people to fall out of your life that no longer resonate with that real authentic you that you are just now giving yourself permission to feel and be. So a huge part of this video of what I'm talking about right now is understanding that maybe the reason you feel drained isn't just that they are draining you. Because a lot of times when people feel drained around people, they might say it's them, but really they're subconsciously choosing to give away their energy by giving away their frame And therefore then they feel drained. They are tolerating being around people that may, of course there's some people that do take energy or are entitled or are a lot of energy to be around, but it's your choice to give out that energy. It's your choice to expand your field to include them. And they are actually serving a purpose because they are acting in alignment with the way in which you believe people are. But when you take the energy back, which is maybe what this video can allow you to do, take your energy back and put it into yourself, put it into yourself, giving yourself permission to express the real you, to put yourself out there where yes, somebody else could reject you. Somebody else could think you're weird. but that's not your thing to manage. Just like if even in my relationship I wanted to watch some weird show and then my girlfriend was like, this is weird. I could be like, that's me. I'm weird. I like some, you know, I watch a lot of food on YouTube and stuff and not that that's weird, but sometimes it's like these people that eat like crazy amounts of food. I think subconsciously because I was deprived food as a kid, there's this thing where, I mean, I manage my diet well, not well, well, yeah, I'm pretty mindful of what I eat, but like sometimes I watch these things where these people can eat these incredible amount of food and I like learn, I just love food. I don't know, I don't know if it's a subconscious thing for my shadow where it's like as a kid, food is deprived, so as adult, I love food, but also I watch people eat. It's just weird. I don't watch it all the time, you know? Don't think I'm that weird, okay? Just a little weird. But all in all, I can own whatever it is. Just like I could own if I was sitting getting the IV and I was like, oh, Steph. And then they were like, that's freaking weird. I'm like, oh, just a weird thought that I have. Move on. Not, oh, what you say means something is wrong with me. Do you see the difference of that internalization there? So really where the power really is, is inside of you by tuning to more so the value of being authentic over the value of validation. And that validation is who you believe you need to be to be supported. And accepted. And my thought, my thought, the thing I wanna provoke inside of you is that it's no longer your job to manage what people think of you. It's no longer your job to ease the tension in someone's life. It's not that the payoff you might get from that is as a kid to do that meant more survival. It might have meant as a kid that you felt safe. But what I'm offering the invitation to look at here is that now you can feel more safe in you being the real you because that's what you value, authenticity over validation. And what then happens is as you validate you to be you regardless of what other people think and feel, and as you begin to express that in the world, you will then begin to get a new reflection. You will then maybe have some people that don't resonate with you. That's okay. That's a natural filter for reality. And in its place, you may attract people that resonate with the more weird you, the more blunt you, the more authentic you, et cetera. So understand that when you take your power back for the meaning you give to other people, the meaning you give to that of how you have to be and who you have to be to be loved, this is where you start to realize that there may be an inner child part of you that does not feel seen, heard, soothed, or nurtured. And that's that in that child that feels not validated may be the one that's searching and looking and projecting a certain image out to other people with the hopes of being accepted. But that is so draining because you believe you have to be that way in order to be loved, in order to be accepted, but you're not really being the real you. You know, it's interesting. Sometimes I'll talk to people that will, you know, say like what drives their actions might be, you know, they're in a certain career, for example. You think of culturally someone that's like in a certain career where they're like, parents are like, you will be doctor, you will be a doctor. And you're like, I don't wanna be a doctor. You will be a doctor or a lawyer or something very important. You will be perfect. You represent me. I know growing up that I had to be, you know, my dad's a firefighter, fire investigator. So growing up, I was a firefighter kid. Well, guess what it meant as a firefighter kid to my dad? At least I had to present him. I had to tuck in my shirt and comb back my hair. I had to be a certain way, could not be in trouble. Not, I had to be goody-goody. Because I represented him. And interestingly enough, there was then this pressure that eventually I began rebelling against. I did eventually rebel against it. And eventually my dad— pull up your pants— as if like I was sagging my pants. I wasn't sagging my pants, but pull up— like I had to pull up my pants up to like my frickin belly button, be a little nerd. Pull up your pants, comb your hair to the side, which kept like, I can't just be me. And then eventually after my dad divorced my ex-stepmom, that was when we started to have more freedom too. So there's probably connected to that too. That's probably a certain way you thought you had to be to be good or to be a certain way as a firefighter, probably also went into his marriage with the next stepmom that had really high standards. So that probably felt normal and familiar. And then his kids, us trying to live up to that. but it felt draining. This isn't who I really am, but it may have started the pattern where it's like, I'm the firefighter kid. I have to be a good boy. I have to tuck my shirt in and comb my hair to the side. Felt responsible, but then guess what? End up feeling drained, end up as a mechanism tuning instead of dad being there, who do I need to be? And then going back to this analogy of people that are like, well, my mom and dad will not accept me or be happy for me unless I have this certain type of job and I get this certain degree, et cetera. And the thing that I like to point out to some people is a certain part of what's called individuation, something Carl Jung talks about. Part of becoming a self-realized human is individuating and deciding who you are. Not who mommy and daddy want you to be, who you are. And what if as a soul, they came into this life and had you as a kid and part of the gift you get to give them is to help them learn how to unconditionally love you. Not that it's your job to make them unconditionally love you, but to give them the reflection that yes, you want me to be a doctor, you want me to do this, you want me to do that, but here's who I really am. Mom and dad, and that tension that you might think as a survival mechanism you need to manage may not be your thing to manage. Instead, that might be the lesson, the gift you get to give them. But guess what? That will feel draining if you feel like their approval and validation is your thing to manage. That will feel draining if you are tuned to easing their tension. But your lesson might be to let them have their perspective, to know that you tune to more yourself and are giving yourself more permission to express the real you. You wanna hear a funny story that just popped in my mind? I'll tell this story. This is, I may have shared this once before. When I was first turning, I turned 18 and I was trying to create this individuation with my dad. Where for a long time, tuck my shirt and comb my hair to the side, my dad started to loosen up a little bit. But when I turned 18, I was still living with my dad, let me say that. So he could have technically said whatever he wanted 'cause I lived with him. But I remember when I turned 18, I went over to my dad and I said, "Dad." He goes, "What?" I said, "Guess what?" I said, "I'm turning 18." I was born and raised in Vegas. "I'm turning 18 and on my birthday," I'm going to a strip club and there's nothing you can do about it. And in that moment, I know this sounds silly, but I was 18 and I was with some friends and I was like, I'm 18 now, I can go. And I said that to my dad and he sat there for a minute and he's like, well, kind of like, was like, okay, you know? But it was this moment for me where I was like, I know you're not gonna like that I do this. I'm gonna tell you that I'm gonna do it though. And I was kind of creating a little bit of that, like it was probably a message, like I am an individual person. I am not going to tuck in my shirt and comb my hair to the side anymore. And that's kind of, that's basically was like a little symbol of that. Now I know it sounds silly and I know it's like this kind of a funny thing to share, but that is like, so basically you telling mom and dad isn't like you saying I'm going to this thing, this club. You're just basically saying I'm going to pursue this area. I'm gonna pursue art. I'm gonna pursue, I wanna make YouTube videos. I wanna do this, I wanna do that. And for a long time when I was making videos on YouTube, like my dad still to this day doesn't understand it. He's proud of me, but for a long time he was just kind of like, you know, he just didn't get it honestly. He was just like, what is that? I still don't get what you do. And it's okay. I had to let him understand. He's like, you have so much potential. You could be a lawyer, you could do this, you could do that. I get it, but that's not who I came here to be. So what if your next phase is you choosing to be a different version of you? What if one of the most magnetic things you can do is to be yourself? And the lesson is not to need to manage the external to feel a certain way. And that by doing that, you might start to feel and realize that instead of it being them and creating the story that it's all them, It's also you choosing to be around them, you choosing to give it to them, but also you can give yourself permission to be the real you and then you may have more energy. You may begin to actually heal this relationship you have to relationships. And one of the most powerful ways I've learned to do this is by learning the thing you may have missed and not been taught growing up. It's called this technique that I have called the frame technique. If you've heard me talk about it, it's learning how to feel the separation between you and other people. When I learned this, it completely changed my energy dynamic and allowed me to become so much more magnetic. I hear from people all the time how it's transformed their lives, and that's why I promote it and talk about it in my YouTube videos. And if you wanna learn step by step how to do the frame technique, how it can change your life, and how to do this one technique that will completely transform your energy, go ahead and check it out right here.