How to stop people pleasing so completely it feels rude at first

One of the strongest human desires there is is to remain consistent to the way you define yourself. And I think one of the biggest challenges for people is that they have a self-image and an identity that they are a people pleaser. So what happens is then you carry around a very deep level of burden on how you relate to other people because you literally believe it is your responsibility to please other people. The The reason it feels heavy to be around people is because you think or believe subconsciously that their tension is your tension to manage. So no wonder you feel drained when you're around certain people. Now, the thing to understand with this is that if there's an identity of a people pleaser, there is a certain level of past pattern that is yet to be integrated. So first off, let's separate 2 things here. Let's understand that you are not your patterns. You might have a pattern from the past, normally a pattern from childhood, where as a kid you felt it was your responsibility to please someone else, normally a parent. So you could say in a way that people pleasers were at one point parent pleasers. So then you're like, oh, I'm a people pleaser. This is who I am. I need to please people. And then I resent myself and I have this untapped energy inside of my body and it feels heavy, or I feel like resentful, or I attract people that take advantage of me. So if you want to heal the pattern around people pleasing, one of the first things you want to do is recognize that people pleasing is not who you are. It's not authentic. This is something that when I hear my dad say, because my dad was a people pleaser, nice guy. And for a long time, I would get frustrated with my dad because I tried to help him break out of the pattern. And I'd be like, he'd be like, oh, it's just who I am. I'm just a nice guy. It's who I am. And I would think to myself, I'm like, that this is who you are. This is a pattern. What is actually authentic in certain moments, I could tell my dad would hold it in. So it was a learned pattern from the past that I would witness in my dad, and eventually I saw that it was a pattern that I had too. And what I had to learn to do is I had to learn to integrate that pattern. So part of integrating that pattern meant there was something I was avoiding because I felt That if I were to express it or embody it, I would then get rejected. It was disappointment that did not want to be internalized. So when you see someone that says, I'm a people pleaser, know that there's a certain level of power inside of them that if they were to begin tapping into would completely transform their life. That power is the unresolved Energy on the inside of every time they would say yes when they really meant no. There'd be a little bit of resentment that is there. Resentment towards the other people, but also resentment towards the self. Because every time you say yes when you really want no, there's an energy where you're having to abandon you to make someone else happy. And that self-abandonment, then becomes the thing that other people connect to. So remember, reality is like a mirror. People reflect back to you the way that you treat yourself. So if you abandon you by pleasing other people, other people are going to feel that there's an agenda that you have, and they're going to feel like there's something off there because you're not really choosing you. So how can people choose you when you've been pretending all your life to be a people pleaser? So don't ever again say, I'm a people pleaser. You're not a people pleaser. You may have a pattern of people pleasing, and that pattern can be integrated. And the thing around really integrating this pattern to become aware of is, one, that this pattern is a reflection from an unresolved energy from childhood. So as a kid, mom and dad may have been hard to please. Or mom and dad, there was some level of chaos in the family, so you felt like you had to please or be the caregiver in the dynamic. But nonetheless, you took that burden on as your own. One of the challenges to this too is that as kids, we have our parents as our source of survival, and our parents to us are sort of like the ultimate authority One could even say like a form of God in a way, the way that we view it when we're little kids. And we don't want to think of that ultimate authority on our basis of survival as bad, as wrong in any ways. So what we do is we internalize that and say, oh, it's not that mom and dad couldn't meet my needs, there must be something wrong with me. So then there's a certain level of internalized shame that is there. And what happens is that internalized shame then sparks forth the pattern. And that pattern that is born is a pattern that says, who do I need to be as a kid to receive mom or dad's love and approval? So approval then becomes the North Star. And what happens is then that approval is what is seeked because it's believed that with that approval comes love and connection. So the thing to become aware of here is that when you say you're a people pleaser, you're not. It's just a pattern that wants to be integrated. What you can then begin to do is to actually see, hear, soothe, and nurture that inner child people pleaser part of you, and to realize that there's nothing wrong with you. Because one of the traps people fall into when it comes to people pleasing is what they do is they start to think and feel the shame or that there's something wrong with them. They're like angry and resentful, like, this people-pleasing pattern is so embarrassing. It messes up my relationships with partners. It messes up my relationships at my job. It messes up my relationships everywhere. And it's frustrating. So what happens is then it's like if you imagine that there's a part of you that wants to be seen, heard, soothed, and nurtured And then it's like knock, knock, knock at the door. Imagine your inner child, you open it up and your inner child is there, the people pleaser part of you. And what happens is we see that people pleaser part of us and what do we do? We say, ew, disgusting, get out of here. You're not welcome here. Which then represses more of that energy and puts you at conflict with other aspects of you. So the key that I've learned is I've had to learn how to actually accept that people pleaser part of me and see that that part of me has been heavy at work for so many years trying to protect me from something. Trying to protect me from what? The disapproval of other people, the tension of other people. And one of the most powerful things, if you identify as someone with the people pleaser pattern, Someone who's an empath that can feel other people's energies or is an overgiver is when you begin to learn that other people's tension is not your tension to manage. That's it. If you were to let people sit with tension and to realize it's not your thing to manage, you would then start to feel more safe inside of yourself. You would start to realize that you no longer have to have this burden of going around everywhere and easing their tension, literally taking their job from them. And to also think that them seeing you in a certain way means there's anything wrong with you. Do you wanna learn step by step how to shift into the most confident you? I'm doing a 3-day Magnetic You Challenge to show you how to become aware of your core pattern, how to release the energy underneath the surface, and how to wire in the most confident version of you at the identity level. It is completely free. We're starting very soon. You can go and grab your spot below. We'll be doing breathwork, meditations, and teachings to transform at the identity level. So it's not just intellectual things you're learning, you actually embody it. So realize that in a similar way that other people's tension is not your tension, realize that your parents' tension is not your tension. It's not your thing to manage. And if you can let other people be with tension, you will feel tension in your body when you do this, by the way. Because you're beginning to integrate a part of yourself that you may have been avoiding for so long. But here's what's going to happen when you start living to the value of authenticity and the value of being genuine and real and vulnerable. As you begin to embody those energies, it will feel kind of weird at first. Because other people might feel a certain way as you tap into it. And the key is recognizing that that tension you feel is good because that tension you feel is now you becoming more comfortable and familiar with letting people sit with tension. See, normally what you would do is you would put it to the side and you would feel it inside of your body. And you would, you would repress it, and then you would start to be this abandoning person, you self-abandoning person that you're not. Think of it too, people, people pleasers don't like to look at this one thing I'm about to say, but if you look at this, it will completely free you. Very often people pleasers as a kid had a perpetrator in their life, somebody that was Overbearing, controlling, or hard to please. So if you think about it in the triangle of what is called the drama triangle, you have the perpetrator, the rescuer, and the victim. What happens is very often there's an energy around the perpetrator was the person from the back— from the past that was the hard-to-please criticizer. And what happens is somebody that's on the side of a rescuer, which many times a people pleaser will have more tendencies to back and forth between the rescuer and maybe the victim at times. The thing to recognize here is to the core of your bone, there's a part of you that does not want to be seen as bad. You don't want to be seen like the perpetrator that you experienced growing up. For me growing up, I had a narcissistic controlling stepmom in my life from 7 to 17 years old. And even though there were moments and good things that came from the level of power she had in certain moments, it was like I never wanted to be manipulative like that. At the same time, I rejected the assertiveness from my identity as well, thinking that if I'm real, if I'm assertive, and if other people feel tension, I'm going to turn into the ex-stepmom and be controlling and manipulative. And I don't want to be like that because I know what it feels like on the other side of it. So, I rejected being bad. And every person that considers themselves a people pleaser, if you were to start embrace being bad, you would begin to be free. It was bad as a kid to let people sit with tension. It was bad as a kid to express yourself. It was bad as a kid to have needs. And now, as you begin to embrace being bad, You embrace being more free because you let people then sit with their tension knowing it's not your thing to manage. Now, the thing to realize here too that will completely allow you to unlock to a different level of yourself, the thing that you might be afraid to share that I was talking about a minute ago— people that are people pleasers do not want to see themselves as manipulative. Because they had someone that was manipulative in their life growing up, most likely. But here's the truth. Pleasing other people to get their validation and approval is manipulation. It's trying to get something from them. It's projecting onto them authority, and it's projecting onto them the ability to give you something that they don't have. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have the approval of lots of people in your life, but you not approve of you? Or would you rather approve of you, but you don't have as much approval on the outside? What I found in my own life is that when I gave up approval and validation from other people, I then began to actually let people sit with tension. I then began to respect myself. And the funny thing was, is as I began to respect myself, that was where then I began to actually gain respect from other people in my life. That's where I began to become more free. So you might be listening to this right now like, what are some practical ways in which I can begin to integrate this people-pleasing pattern so that I can attract love? Now, people pleasers very often, by the way, they'll tend to attract non-reciprocal relationships. You'll attract people into your life that you feel like you need to please, people in your life that you feel like you need to give. And then if you have the pattern of overgiving, no wonder you attract people that overtake. It's the other side of the pattern. It's the other side of the spectrum. So the key here— and realize as well, when you overgive or please, it's not doing them a service either. It's getting them to a place to where they feel Like you're always going to be there to fix them. You're always going to be there to please them. And you're actually, in a way, robbing them from doing their own work. I can think of times in my past where there was a certain dynamic and it was really beneficial for the other person. And then I stopped at that dynamic. I stopped doing that pattern. And then they would get activated. They would get like angry about it and they might use guilt. or different ways to get you to come back to do what they want you to do. And the key here is to understand that that guilt that they might be trying to get you to feel is not your thing. It's not your thing that you have to like act on. You can feel guilt and still not take action. If you think of guilt, the emotion of guilt is an energy that says that I feel responsible. I feel responsible. You must first believe something to be true before you can generate an emotion of guilt. And if you believe it's your responsibility to fix someone else, you'll take that on as a part of your own. And then feel that's in a way a version of control that gets you to do a certain action. So, understand that from everything we're talking about today when it comes to people pleasing, your next level Is about you embracing being bad. And embracing being bad means saying the things and expressing the things you're afraid to say and express because of what someone else will feel or think. And when you begin doing this and letting yourself sit with tension when they may feel tension, that tension you feel Is your initiation into authenticity. It's your initiation into being real. Think about it too when it comes to this idea of importance. Anything you make very important, you create resistance around. You put it on a pedestal. When you think of a people pleaser, what does a people pleaser put on a pedestal? They've put other people's approval on a pedestal. And anything that's up there is immediately looking down at you. And you're saying that this thing that's up here is not equal to my identity and it's out there. There's a replay of that authority figure dynamic from childhood, of that unresolved energy around really desiring the approval from someone else. And when you take something off a pedestal, You start to see it as more neutral. And one of the things you can begin to realize is that if you could actually embrace rejection, actually embrace other people not resonating or giving you that approval or validation, you then start to see that you're playing a different game. You will play a different game. Like, My teachings on worthiness and some of the emotional work that I talk about are very controversial in a way because I'm not saying like if you feel not worthy, the key isn't I feel worthy, I am worthy, and I need to just keep like not just proving it but just keep like thinking it and I'll eventually feel it. I say, what if we could be both worthy and not worthy at the same time because worthy is a concept? It's a concept. Even think about the idea of approval. What does the approval feel like in the body? It's a concept. People say, I want to feel safe. What does feel safe mean? It's a concept. So what I mean is, what you really want is to feel present with the emotion that you feel. And if you can feel present with the emotion that you feel and you can let it be there, You will allow yourself to then begin to integrate that past emotion. So for me, what happened back in the day is I actually began to embrace more of expressing myself, knowing that at times I could get rejected. There were times in relationship even where I remember I'd have a certain conversation. I normally hold something back and I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to say it and express it. This is how I'm feeling right now. This is what I think. And as I would do that, there'd be times I'd be afraid to do it. But as I would do it many times, I'd actually find myself going deeper with people. And if there were people I'd go deeper with and express myself or express the emotions that were coming up for me, and they didn't resonate with that or they didn't like that, that became a filter for the kind of people that I actually want to connect to. So either way, it's a win. Either way, you express the real you and you express the tension, the vulnerability, the authenticity, and either you will go deeper with them, or that's a filter that shows you whether somebody in your life actually likes the real you and resonates with the real you. And if not, realize it doesn't have to be internalized that there's anything wrong with you. Sometimes certain people might be in your life simply because of the value and the problems you solve for them. So the part of you that they're connecting to isn't the real you. It's the part of you that they get to use that makes their job or their life easier because you take on their energy. You take on their tension. And the thing you want to do with this to remind yourself of Is that as you begin to bring the energy inside of yourself and you let other people sit with tension, that will feel like tension in your body, but you will literally be undoing the people-pleasing dynamic and allowing yourself to begin actually finally pleasing yourself. Even when I think about this right now, people pleasing, people pleasing, it's other people you please, but you abandon yourself to please them. That causes stored resentment and anger. But when you begin to please you, that's when things will begin to change. Now, one thing you'll say that I know you might be thinking right now, it feels selfish to choose myself. It feels selfish to have these— the ways I express myself and other people feel tension. But what I'd encourage you to do is to look at that emotion or energy or that belief that you are being selfish. And to realize the real way in which you can actually add value to people is by you being the real you and giving people the opportunity to grow, giving people the opportunity to see the real you and maybe to make certain changes. I remember different parts of my own past where, as I was being more authentic and expressive, I'd have to have certain conversations with certain friends. To reestablish dynamics and energies. And I felt selfish having some of these conversations knowing that they're going to feel bad. But those conversations, for some of them, became very powerful trigger points to where they then evolved their own ability to connect to me and themselves. You think of like a parent, for example, that like you want to please your parents. They want you to go to school. They want you to do all these things. I'm being selfish by choosing to, you know, go create art or choosing to go on YouTube or whatever. But actually, what if at a deep spiritual level, your parents came here to learn unconditional love? And you are actually robbing them from the lesson that they came here to learn because you don't want them to feel tension because you feel responsible. But that tension might actually be the transformational tension that allows them to completely transform their lives. And come out on the other end more connected, more open, more loving. So throughout this video, one of my main intentions with this is to really show you that people pleasing has many different layers, but at its root, it's if you can embrace the tension instead of avoid the tension, you will begin to become more free. This might mean expressing yourself when normally you might feel rejected. This might mean going out and letting yourself feel the emotions under the surface, even if people don't approve of you, but knowing that it's not your job to get their approval. It's your job to approve of yourself. And the way that you prove of yourself is you be you. And the more you are being the real you, the more that you also give people the gift in the world of knowing the real you. But the people pleaser pattern is not who you are. If you can see, hear, soothe, and nurture that inner child part of you and realize it's been doing its job to avoid tension, you can thank it, recognize you don't have to create separation and then shame, which stays under the surface. It got you to this point of awareness now of saying, I'm gonna choose to be authentic. I'm going to choose to brace tension. I'm going to choose to be more vulnerable, and that this is going to become the filter through which I attract deeper connections into my life or reestablish dynamics that are out of alignment. And as you let yourself sit with tension, knowing that other people's tension is not your thing to manage, you will begin to feel more free. And one of the most powerful processes I have ever found for people pleasers that will completely transform their lives, where people will literally notice something is different about you, is something called the frame technique. And if you want to go deeper on this idea of the frame technique right now, and you want to completely transform your life with this very simple practice that a shadow work coach taught me years ago, I'm going to go ahead and put this video right here. Watch this video next, do it for 21 days, and watch how much your life changes.