If You Keep Attracting Narcissists, WATCH THIS
In this self‑help video, Aaron Doughty (Speaker A) explores why many people repeatedly attract controlling or narcissistic partners. He argues that the attraction is driven by subconscious, autopilot patterns rooted in early wounds—especially abandonment and authority‑figure trauma. He explains the empath‑narcissist dynamic, noting that both sides share a core abandonment wound and use opposite manipulation styles (give‑to‑get vs. take‑to‑get). By becoming aware of these hidden beliefs, bringing them into consciousness, and doing inner‑child work, one can break the cycle, lean into tension, set boundaries, and choose healthier relationships. The speaker illustrates his points with personal stories about demeaning managers, an overbearing ex‑step‑mom, and a neurotic landlord, showing how each situation reflected his underlying story about authority. He emphasizes that every relationship serves a lesson, and that conscious awareness, inner‑child meditation (available through his High Vibe Tribe), and practical boundary‑setting are key tools for transformation. A brief contribution from Speaker B reinforces the idea that childhood wounds, not the current partner, often drive repeated patterns.
Chapters
Have you ever wondered, why do I keep attracting the same people over and over again? Maybe it's relationships where someone's controlling or someone's narcissistic, where it's all about them. And even though you go through one relationship and you deal with it, you keep attracting people that reflect back that same energy dynamic. Maybe you find you keep attracting emotionally unavailable people. And what you find is even though you want emotional availability, you want someone that can really see you, hear you, and be present with you, you keep attracting the opposite of that and you wonder, why does this keep happening? Well, unfortunately it's not just them that are the ones that are in that energy as much as it's also you that has normalized that energy. The common denominator here is there's a certain subconscious pattern that is on autopilot that is attracting that person into your life. Now, in this video, what I'm going to do is I'm going to show you how to break the pattern of continuing to attract people that are not right for you. Now, the first point of this entire thing is that in this moment right now, this might be kind of hard to hear, they are right for you. They are right for you. So what am I saying? Am I saying you need to try to make it work with them? Am I saying they're the perfect person, the soulmate you're meant to be with forever? No. All I'm saying is that every relationship serves a purpose, and sometimes a relationship can be showing you the parts of yourself that you're not tapping into. They can show you the parts of yourself that maybe are suppressed or repressed And maybe there's a part of you that must come out to then balance out that relationship to maybe say no to it, but to also learn the lesson. And many times if somebody, think about it, of an empath, someone that can feel other people's energies and is very sensitive to that, and a narcissist, someone who does not feel their energy, and what they do is they manipulate the environment to get their needs met. And what happens is these two different energies, they attract each other because there's something to learn from them. They each have a suppressed, repressed part of themselves that the other possesses. And the narcissist actually has something for the empath to learn, and that is for them to go into their own power. The narcissist has a perceived sense of being in their own frame, even though it's a toxic frame of reality, nonetheless, it's a frame. And they're not afraid of exerting that frame into their environment, whereas the empath will hold it in and not express themselves. So what happens is the empath ends up tiptoeing around, and then this narcissist that's controlling and demanding is able to easily move things around and manipulate people. But also, let me point out as well, the empath, their means of manipulation is different. It's still manipulation, It's just that instead of I will take and demand, it's I will give to then get. Now it's important to realize this because the key is it's a subconscious mechanism, coping mechanism to get the needs met. Both of them have the same core wound of a form of abandonment wound. The means are I will give to then get. Who do I need to be? How do I tiptoe around in order to get tension resolved so that I can feel worthy and validated 'Cause also this person in their own strong frame of reality, they feel has that form of validation. And then over here, it's this person is willing to do whatever I tell them to do and is willing to keep trying to fix me. So therefore I can continue to manipulate. And you say, well, how do you break these patterns? How does the empath learn the lesson and break the pattern? Well, the empath learns to lean into the tension, learns to lean into to express themselves. And what happens is as the empath does that, they may then realize, I don't want this energy in my life anymore. But see, prior to that, they're so afraid that they're playing the game. You see, the relationships you attract in your life, you believe is what you are worthy of. If the narcissist were to go to someone that has a strong sense of their own self and of their own worth, what would happen is they would try their manipulative games on them and that person would figure them out or wouldn't even attract them to begin with because it's not active in their field. Now remember, relationships you attract into your life, you attract because there's something active inside of your field. There's something there that gets something from that. In the past, even leading up to even just a few months ago, there was this belief and story that I subconsciously had. Now remember, 95% of our life is ran by our subconscious mind. Now let me share with you something that I'm excited to share because it's something I've never really shared before. But also it's the key to really understanding transformation. Now, you know how 90% or more of our life is transformed through awareness? Because what we're not aware of runs us. It's like that classic Carl Jung quote where what you are aware, what you're not aware of, you will call destiny. And it's a longer, more eloquent quote than that, but the idea is, What you're not aware of is running you. And once you become aware of, then you can actually have some form of changeover. You can make a new choice. Now, if 95%, like this iceberg here with just 5% of this tip out of it, 5% of your conscious mind runs your life and 95% of your subconscious mind runs your life. Now what happens is when you bring the energy from subconscious where you are unaware of it into the conscious, That's where the transformation happens because you're bringing it into the conscious and then it has less power over you. Like right now, if you have a people pleaser pattern or some type of pattern where you're attracting a narcissist in your life, 95% of that is subconscious. You may not be aware of it. You're like, why am I attracted to this person over here that's just staring in a mirror at themselves saying, I love you, I'm so awesome, I'm so amazing. Why am I so attracted to that? Well, it was, you were unaware of it, of the pattern. You bring it into the conscious and then that negative pattern has less power. It's not running 95% of your life anymore because then you can make a new choice. So understand what happens is these subconscious beliefs you have about reality are what are attracting to you these people into your life. Now, up until recently even, I realized I had a story about specifically authority figures. Now in my life now, I have a business, I travel the world, no one tells me what to do, and it's like this, this energy doesn't really come out very often because of the energy that I'm in now. Now back in 2016 when I had a 9 to 5 job, 2017 even for the first month or two, one thing that motivated me to want to work for myself was I got talked down to by management. I had the HR manager, the store manager, and the department manager that I had called me into an office called the Situation Room. So I go sit down in the Situation Room. I'm sitting and they're— the 3 managers are there and they're like, can you look up at this projector? And there was a projector. They went through all the effort to have this projector that was casted onto this big projector screen. And they're like, we want you to watch this. And I'm like, okay. So what they do is they push play. And what it is, is it's a literally 5-minute video of me on my cell phone. Now I worked at Nordstrom's and then I actually worked at Barney's New York at this time, Barney's New York in women's shoes, where we wear a suit to work. And sometimes there wasn't a customer for like 3 hours. That's how slow it was because retail was dying more and more. And what happened is we would be in the back. One of us would be on our phone, someone else would be on the sales floor. So the sales floor is still being covered, but we take turns. We did this for years. I worked there for 5 years, by the way, 4 or 5 years. And everyone did that, but they decided also we're gonna crack down on this. So I go up there and they're like, "What do you see?" And it's like me on my cell phone. And after a minute of this, I was like, "I get the point. If you're gonna write me up, write me up. I get the point." And they go, "No, we want it to really sink in with you." So I sat there in silence for another 30 seconds with these adults watching me on my phone. You could see the Instagram clips I was going on. You could see what was on my phone. It was very embarrassing. And imagine silence with like 3 adults watching yourself on your phone. And after another 30 seconds, I said, "I'm not gonna sit here in a situation room." I didn't say that. I said, "I'm not gonna sit here and watch this. You can write me up or I'm gonna go." And they said, "Okay." And they wrote me up. But in that demeaning moment, it was so demeaning. That I decided I will work for myself one day soon. I use that as motivation. But nonetheless, is it interesting that I had in a way this talking down to mentality? There were corporate politics at this job where people, where people got, the managers got away with a lot because they were protected by upper management. And it was the same thing when I was at Nordstrom's and it was the same thing in my childhood. Where the controlling ex-stepmom thing, whatever my brother and I said, we would get in more trouble if we did say anything and she was protected. There was nothing we could do. So it just wasn't fair. Now, even more recently, for years I haven't had to deal with this, but then I moved into a house that I lived in for a year and there was a landlord that was so neurotic. And I'm not even gonna go into the whole story. I probably have a video where I talk about the whole story of it just 'cause it's interesting. But nonetheless, there were these neurotic, like, claims and really, really, really, really high expectations in this expensive house that I lived in. Even though I've lived, I'm a very clean person, and it was just such high expectations. Nobody could live up to it. I'm talking like one of the plants died outside. There was a landscaper over this big house. There was a landscaper that came every week. And it was expected that if one of these aloe plants, like there's hundreds of plants, that I had to be aware of which plants were healthy and not healthy. One aloe plant died and I had to pay $3,500 for that. And I'm like, what? This is crazy. Why would you have the landscaper if I'm supposed to like, while I'm traveling and stuff, like pay attention to this level of detail? And the actual cherry on top though was that one of the last days I was there, I spilled this little— in the bathroom, there was this countertop and I spilled this Chocolate Gold, it's called. It's this drink that I do, it's a superfood drink. And what happened is I spilled a little bit of it not knowing it. And there was this little speck that wouldn't come out when I tried cleaning it the next morning once I saw it. And I moved out the next week. I lived there for a year. And what happened is that little speck, we had professional cleaners come to get it. And what ended up happening is they couldn't get it out completely, so when the landlord went there, which is also a woman, by the way, which I find was interesting. She was very, very similar energy to the ex-stepmom energy. And then also her husband was really nice, was very similar to my dad. They even had the same name. It was so crazy how, how interesting this reflection was. But nonetheless, the expectation was that I should pay another $4,000 to replace the entire countertop because of this little speck that you could barely see. And then also I had to replace the other one on the other side so it could match. And it was just mind-boggling. But I'm here fighting, arguing with this person. In the past, I could tell what would happen in the past with this whole landlord situation and standing up to someone when things aren't fair was something where in the past I'd be like, "Oh, it's not a big deal. I just don't wanna deal with it." And I realized that was also a story that my dad had. When my dad was dealing with divorce, my ex-stepmom, he'd kind of be like, I just don't wanna deal with it, just don't wanna deal with it. I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna deal with it. I ended up having a conversation with this person. It didn't go as well as I thought, but nonetheless, I stood up for myself and I realized ultimately, not only am I a good tenant that is clean in everything, but also I just realized that like, I don't have to put up with some authority. This person isn't better than me. It was this realization that I don't have to be on eggshells. I don't have to feel this way. And there's also a story inside of myself that says authority figures are unfair and I have to live up to this expectation. I have to fight for freedom. And there was this whole energy and reflection where at the end, it's like I wasn't bothered as much by it. It was like there was still, I stood up to the energy, but I wasn't as like, what does she say now? What does she say now? Because for 2 months after I moved out of this house, my assistant and her were going back and forth on all these things that they wanted changed. It was crazy. I'm so glad it's over though. But part of that being over was letting go of that emotion, letting go of that story, feeling the emotion, letting go of the story, 'cause that story was subconscious. So I had to keep attracting those kind of people in my life. And in order to, I had to own and recognize that I had the story. And the funny thing about after my ex-stepmom left my life when I was 17, I kept attracting controlling women in my life, either in the form of, there was 1 or 2 ex-girlfriends, but then also, that like a jealous girlfriend that was like, that it was like hard, it was interesting energy that then led to managers, that then led to me shedding that energy more and more. And now when it does pop in, I'm way more aware of it. And I mean, I'm able to let it go much easier. I'm not as emotionally shook by it. But ultimately that control dynamic, there's something that had been familiarized there. So realize that whatever your core story is, whether it's being you feel like you need to prove your worth to people, you'll find that you attract people with really high expectations 'cause you're trying to prove your sense of self-worth. If you're afraid of tension, you'll attract people that you feel like you can't express yourself around. If you abandon yourself and you're afraid of abandonment from other people, you'll attract people where you, Once again, you feel in a little prison. So one of the things to realize about this is the people you are attracting into your life, you are attracting because there's some form of familiar energy there, but also they are perfect for the lesson that you came to learn right now. And maybe there's unprocessed emotion, unprocessed energy that you can begin to feel, and that by feeling it, you then begin to heal it. And not only do you begin to heal it, but you then begin to make a new choice about what kind of energy you want to be in, what kind of relationships you want in your life, saying no to energies that no longer serve. And even just the saying no will be a breakthrough. Even me having that uncomfortable conversation with that old landlord lady, it was like in my body I could feel, it's like I knew I was getting on a conversation on a call It was after 2 months of going back and forth and being like, listen, this is never gonna close the loop because they just kept wanting more and more things done that ate up this really large security deposit. And I said, you know what, I'm just gonna get on the call, got on the call and it was like I could feel in my body what was happening, but then I stood in my own frame, I got in my own frame of reality. I was like, no. And also part of the lesson too was I could have got off the phone way sooner than I did because she just wanted to argue. She wanted to like make points and she wasn't listening. And you know, it was with people like that, what I found interesting is there's certain people that they can't take any feedback whatsoever. And one of the things I found with people like this is for her, one of the other red flags was I moved into this house and she had that of the, she wanted the person The whole entire time I lived in the house, it kind of felt like I was walking on eggshells 'cause I knew how crazy neurotic she was. And for some reason the red flag was there, but I was like, I really like the house. I'm still gonna move in. But one of the red flags was the person that cleaned her house that knew her for years, this lady, she's like, oh, I'd like for her to continue cleaning the house even when you're living there, like once a month. I'm like, okay. So this lady comes and I'm paying this lady to clean the house. And her reaction, she's like, "Oh, this Miss Jessica is very, very, very strict. Oh, I don't," you know, it was like this energy, I was like, "Whoa, even the freaking lady that was a really nice, sweet lady that cleans the house was afraid of her." But also when I went to move out of the house, I wanted her to do the move-out clean. She would not do the move-out clean. She wouldn't do it because she said, "No matter what I do, it's not gonna be good enough." And what I told when I was on the phone with this lady, one thing that I said was I said, 'cause she made it sound like it was just me that like had this issue. And I'm like, I've rented many houses in the past, really nice houses as well. It's like, I'm a very clean person. And I felt like I was like trying to justify myself to this lady, which is silly 'cause I'm like, this is so dumb. But I was like, even the cleaner wouldn't clean the house because of your high expectations because She said it would never be good enough. She wanted to have to do it 8 times for the move-out clean. And then she was like, "You're lying about that." That's what this landlord said. "You're lying about that." Very similar thing that my ex-stepmom would've said. "You're lying about that when you can't absorb something." Why would I lie about that? But I found that that was where it was like really something started to sink in, or it didn't sink in, but at least like just shows that, hey, it's not just me. You see what I mean? What I found is interestingly enough, I should have got off the phone way sooner because it wasn't going, what it would've been more in my own power is after a few minutes of like that going back and forth, being like, you know what? This conversation isn't going in a productive way, so I'm gonna get off the phone now if you're gonna continue to speak like that. And then she keep going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, then just get off the phone. And that was one thing that I wish I would've done differently, but nonetheless, I gave myself credit for, just being able to express and to, 'cause I felt like because she had like a large security deposit, literally like $20,000 security deposit, that, and I was like, "Please give it back, please, the house is clean." And it was like, "It's not good enough for you?" For 2 months afterwards paying for different things to get like modified so they could be perfect. It was like, I'm like, you know, I don't have to give away my power. I don't have to be at the mercy of this person. And that's where the energy then began, I believe, to complete itself to where I began to reprogram my way for relating to that energy. So understand that when people say, also become aware of your beliefs too, when people say, I always attract this kind of person into my life, what you'll find is that that belief itself is what attracts that kind of person into your life. And if you look at the story and you change the story, you'll then change what you are attracting. Attracting into your life, but become aware of why you're attracting that into your life. Does this feel like a familiar blueprint to the past? Because our blueprint many times is what did we experience from mom and dad? What was the energy like? Even ask yourself now, what are the common patterns and emotions you feel in relationship? What you'll find is as you start looking at these patterns, these patterns may be echoes from the past. And you're, the reason they're the right people right now is because those are the right people that allow you to feel that familiar energy. Now, they may be the wrong people for feeling energy that you actually want to experience, like love and connection and emotional availability and vulnerability, which means you have to learn the lesson feel it to heal it. And what you end up doing is that ends up transforming the way that you carry yourself and it ends up also transforming your subconscious mind. Now, one of the most powerful meditations I have, by the way, to really get to the core of this is doing an inner child meditation. I have an inner child meditation inside my High Vibe Tribe. I'm gonna link this below. You can check it out. You join for free and there's an inner child meditation there that will help you energetically clean, feel, and heal this energy so that you can feel more energetically clear in your field. You can feel more like you go deep with people that you meet in your life, and you'll understand yourself in a much deeper way. Now, also, if you want a video of something I did at a live event recently where what we do is we talk about that of relationships with narcissists and different energies, there was a woman I was coaching on this very same thing where she was asking about, why do I always attract narcissists? I'm going to go ahead and link this video right here.
I was in a relationship, so my gut was telling me that he's going to break your heart basically, or whatever, right? But my therapist was like, no, no, no, no, it's not him. He's a great guy. He's not going to do that. It's your childhood wound. And yeah, it ended up happening.
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