if you try to control or force things to happen... WATCH THIS
When you fight to control everything, you're usually running from childhood trauma. The speaker traces how control patterns repeat until you forgive and heal, then explains why letting go actually makes you feel safer. Following excitement and trusting the unknown works better than forcing outcomes.
Chapters
Imagine you're in a car and you're driving to where you know you need to go, and there's a 14-year-old sitting next to you, and that 14-year-old believes they know where the car should go and they're trying to take control of it. So they're literally fighting you for the wheel, and it's getting dangerous because they're fighting you for the wheel, and you're like, what are you doing? You're not even old enough to drive. And I know you think you know where to go, and I know you think you know how to drive, but you don't. A lot of times in our life, what we do is we are fighting for control of our life. We are trying to take the steering wheel of our life, not knowing that our higher self or our spiritual guides know more than we do the direction to go in. And funny enough, even when I share that analogy of a kid trying to take the steering wheel to go where the kid thinks it wants to go. A lot of times the childhood trauma that we may have experienced when we were kids may be why there's a need to control, 'cause control felt safe. There was a moment in childhood where there was a lack of safety, feeling not safe, and then there was a moment of control somehow, whether a parent stepped in and controlled something or there was a certain level of control somehow that then caused safety. And then the belief is I must control things in my life because when things are out of control, chaos can happen. Here's the challenge with that. All magic happens in the unknown. All magic happens when you're not thinking, feeling, and acting in the same pattern over and over again. And a lot of times we become addicted to the familiar and we don't even know it. I know for me for a long time, even though from 7 to 15, I had a controlling stepmom in my life where I wasn't allowed to have friends or I had to earn going to school activities, wasn't allowed to watch TV, had to sneak to get enough food to eat even, massive amounts of control. 15 years old, she left my life. All of a sudden I have all this freedom. I'm allowed to have friends. I'm allowed to get enough food to eat. I gained 20 pounds in like 3 months. My whole entire life shifted. But you wanna know something interesting? There was something about that that felt scary. There was something about that that felt like anything can happen. There was anxiety even. And interestingly enough, I remember, that when my ex-stepmom left my life, then I would do one of two things. I would either attract someone into my life that was the same personality as my ex-stepmom that was controlling because subconsciously there was a need I had, subconsciously, wasn't aware of it, where I felt comfortable and safe with someone that was controlling me. So it was either a jealous ex-girlfriend And then funny enough, broke up with her after 4 years of being with her, 3 years too long. I had a pattern of staying in relationships longer than was healthy because that was modeled to me growing up with my dad being in a relationship with someone that was controlling for 7 years, which is about 5.5, 6 years beyond what was healthy. But nonetheless, broke up with her. Within 1 week, I get transferred to a different shoe department when I worked at Nordstrom's Shoe in women's shoes with a manager that was the same personality as my ex-stepmom. Control felt safe. Even though I didn't like it, I would fight for freedom just like I was fighting for freedom and things weren't fair when I, 7 to 15 years old, things weren't fair. We had to fight for freedom. We weren't, here's an interesting thing, we weren't allowed to share with anybody else about what was going on in the household because we'd get in trouble. And you wanna know something interesting? In that 9 to 5 job selling women's shoes, the manager, all the employees, there were like 9 or 10 of us, we were not, if we went to HR and tried to share about how she was talking to us and how the kind of things that she got away with, we would get in more trouble. Same thing would happen from 7 to 15 years old. My brother and I, we had to go to a therapist one time and we mentioned one thing once and we got in so much trouble and she was so mad for so long that we like never said anything again. And the same way, one person went up to HR one time and then got in so much trouble. She had to close like every night for weeks. She got like the schedule that was the worst. Bro, I don't wanna close every night. Stay in line. Control felt safe. And then what happened is eventually what happened is I actually forgave my ex-stepmom, which I went through a spiritual awakening in 2012 and then realized that that control, that pressure that was created from 7 to 15 is actually what allowed me to go through a spiritual awakening. And as I forgave my ex-stepmom and let go of that energy field within my pattern, interestingly enough, that manager left my life. The girlfriend left my life and then because I broke up with her. And then right after that, the manager was in my life for like 2 or 3 years. We could not get her fired because we couldn't go to HR because we couldn't share anything. But then what happened is something dumb, like she, it wasn't dumb, but she like emailed somebody something that was inappropriate and there was proof of it. And she then got fired like randomly, really quickly. But it was literally within 2 weeks of me doing this inner healing work. Which begs the question is, is reality just a reflection of what we believe to be true? So interestingly enough, as I was doing that inner work and forgiving, that energy inside of my field, it's like my outer reality began to change as a reflection. Because think about it, if we have a belief or something inside our field that says people, life is unfair, people treat me this way, I have to fight for my freedom, then that's inside of our field. And if we don't forgive, and that's what forgiveness really is, forgiveness is letting go of that energy inside the field, then it stays active and we continue to either attract people into our life to reflect it back, or we pull out of people the aspects that show that. This is an interesting esoteric concept I'm about to share with you. Now everything comes as a reflection of those beliefs. Now what if the people we are— have you ever had some people that bring out the best qualities in you and then some other people that bring out the worst qualities in you? And when you're around them, either it's debauchery and it's the worst qualities in you, or it's this like this heavenly feeling you feel where you just feel really good and you feel really magnetic. I've had people before that do that in different ways in my life, but also I remember one time with an ex-girlfriend of mine, there was this thing that happened where I was like, didn't even understand why I did this, but then I look back and see maybe we were like projecting things back to each other because it was active in our field. For example, one of her triggers was that if she was ever on a date, we dated for like a year, and I remember going out and there were times, and I worked a 9 to 5 job selling women's shoes, so I wasn't at the level of success that I'm at now. And in that mode, normally I would pay and she had a job where actually she was making more money than me, but we'd go and I would pay. And then sometimes she would want to like contribute and I'd be like, no, don't worry about it. If you want, you can tip. That's what I'd say. So if you want, you could tip if you want. And then she would tip. But then she expressed to me like a month later that she was so triggered anytime I would say that. And when I said, "You can tip if you want," that was not something I had ever done before. It was literally like I just felt called to say it. Like, "Well, you don't have to put in anything. This is on me, unless you wanna tip." And then what she told me is that she had an ex-boyfriend that would always do that, that would always say, "You can tip," and that would trigger her 'cause it's either, You're gonna take care of dinner or you're not. But that was a trigger for her. And I was like, I had no idea. And I never even normally do that. I literally felt like, not that I'm trying to blame it on her energy. All I'm saying is in many ways we reflect back to each other the things that are within our field and people are responding to the aspects of the energies we are familiar with. So in an interesting way, This takes a lot of ownership too, because then it's realizing maybe it's not just that you attract narcissists into your life or you attract certain type of energy patterns or people that aren't in integrity. Maybe there's an energy that you attract those people and you bring that out of them because it's what you expect. It's what you're used to. It's what's quote unquote familiar. And it could be a little bit of both. I mean, that manager I had at, Nordstrom's and women's shoes, she was like that with everybody for like years before. She worked there for like 15, 20 years before she got fired. She was like that with everybody. So in an interesting way, when we're talking about control, realize there may be a certain level of familiarity that comes with control. Now it also comes with a belief. In order to accept or to be attached to control, there must be a belief that says control is good. Control is safe. But the challenge is then it's like you have to mitigate and you have to control outer circumstances in order to feel safe on the inside. And remember, anytime you try to control, there's a level of importance you're putting on outcome. Importance. This is also an esoteric truth of our reality. Our reality energy, in our life strives for balance. Balancing forces, we could call it. Anytime we make something very important, we put it on a pedestal. And when we put something on a pedestal, we create resistance. It creates an energy that's called excess potential. Anytime we take excess potential and it increases, there's balancing forces that come in that bring it back down to the baseline. You'll see this happen in many ways in the collective consciousness. People that also get on their high horse egotistically, seen this happen. I remember Logan Paul or David Dobrik back in the day, they were at the peak of their careers and they were getting so much attention. And then there's this like, there's this energy of importance, but then it gets brought back down to the baseline because it's not natural. It's like this thing you could say, oh, it's self-sabotage and all these different things. But nonetheless, it's an energy where you must remain humble. It's important to be humble, to not give your ego excess importance. But anything you make important, you create and put it on a pedestal. If it's important, if you're attached to outcome and you're controlling things, you're attached to outcome and it's important that things happen. But one of the things to realize is that that attachment creates resistance. So control is something that you can begin to become more familiar with in a new way. What if you could, you know what's funny? The more you let go of needing to control, the more in control you will actually feel. It's like the more that you don't need somebody to like you, the more they're probably gonna like you. Alan, this is an Alan Watts philosophy that's called the backwards law. The more you don't need to be in control, the more in control you will feel. And that's because when you let go of needing to control, you will feel safe inside of your own body. That's what this is really about. This is really about feeling safe inside of your own body and feeling safe with this present moment right now. If you can feel safe with this present moment right now and allow whatever magic wants to unveil itself to come, you will start to trust in this moment even more. This is about healing your relationship to the universe and your relationship to self. I recognize now in my own life that the more I get into the unknown, the more magic happens. The more that I stay addicted or familiar with similar energies, the more trapped I feel. So the decision that must be made is you can find safety in the unknown. It's an option, but you have to see also that the payoff— there's a payoff. Anything we do is because there's some form of payoff there. That payoff could be I get the payoff of validation or approval, or that payoff could be that I feel safe or secure in this present moment. There's some perceived positive payoff for you to do any habit, even a habit that's destructive. If you smoke cigarettes, There's the payoff of the initial nicotine rush that you get or the dopamine you get from alcohol, drinking alcohol. It's like, I know this isn't good for me, but there's a payoff, otherwise you wouldn't do it. So has it ever worked out for you to control the outcomes on things? One thing you really can't control is relationships. Try to control relationships. The more you will feel in control of your life in regards to your relationships is the more you let go, because unconditional love is not attached. If you're letting someone be who they are, that's a very freedom-filled energy. If you're trying to control how someone is, that's creating resistance. So understand that your power is in the undoing of the familiar childhood dynamics that are on autopilot. And the way you can really let go of control is by making the choice to see the negative payoffs that come from it. Like anytime, think of control also as importance. If you ever made something very, very important and then it turns out beautifully, Normally it's once you let go of the importance that everything reverberates back, that everything aligns itself. In the same way, when you let go of control, you are allowing the universe to take the wheel. Our ego thinks it knows best, and that's the problem. The ego has been giving the importance of control, it's been giving the wheel, and then it's like sloppily, It's sloppily trying to manage everything. That's why with the law of attraction, I've changed my perspective of it quite a bit in the last like year or so, because who am I to believe that? And when I say I want this type of car or this type of house or this type of relationship, anytime I say I want that, that's what I intend for, I'm limiting the bandwidth of experiences I could have. Especially when you're attached to how it happens. So instead, there's energies that I choose on embodying in my body, knowing I will find— and the more I have the courage to step into the unknown, the more magic can be brought to me. So it's like I say, I want this, this, and this. There's these small little slivers of possible outcome and probability. But if you remain open, you allow the divine to bring you things beyond what the ego could even imagine. If you were to sit down and relax and put on a good musical playlist in the passenger seat, you would allow your higher self to take you on the most beautiful ride across the valleys, and maybe even quicker to the outcome you want than even the ego can imagine. And one of the things I found safety in as of recently is more so not looking towards outcome, looking to just simply follow my excitement. If you were to imagine your higher self on a mountaintop looking down into the valley and your ego's in the valley, the way that you get guided up that mountain towards your higher self is is through the frequency of passion. It's through following your excitement. And every time you're following your excitement, you're moving up that mountain quicker. And anytime you think you know the right way, but you're not following your passion, or you're doing things because of an end, a means to an end, you like veer off the path. You're like going on these weird tangents. Maybe there's things to learn on those tangents, but it's taking you on a tangent when if you simply followed your passion, you'd get up the mountaintop connected to your higher self in a very fun way. That's another aspect of this video too. Having— it's very serious when you're trying to control things because it's literally your survival. Like, literally, it's like, I must control the outcome of this thing. I must get this or that because I need to survive. Serious, heavy. Whereas if you loosen up the energy and you let go, when you realize this is It's just an experience. We're here for a very short period of time on the planet. 100 years, it's not that long. If you have more fun, you enjoy the process and you follow your excitement, you will be in a higher frequency state. And when you're in that higher frequency state, you see realities that are equal to that energy. You see higher probabilities when you're in excitement energy than you do when you're in this energy of control and needing to control things. So letting go of control is really about letting go of the past. It's about letting go of the belief that you can even find safety in the external. You find safety in the acceptance of the present moment right now. You find safety in the presence of you being inside of your own body. You can find safety in the unknown, knowing that it will bring you magic. The unknown is not scary. It doesn't have to be scary. It can be exciting. What they say anxiety is— the difference between anxiety and excitement is that anxiety is excitement. It's just being filtered through a negative belief system. I remember when I was in forensics debate in high school, when I would go to these debate tournaments I'd be waiting outside this room to go and debate this other opponent and there'd be judges and I would be waiting and it would be anxiety, fear. But really that was excitement because in the moment I went into that room, the anxiety turned to excitement. I was excited to be there. When I run live events, there's a little bit of anxiety before I go on stage. By the time I'm on stage, I feel excited. It transforms itself immediately. It's just being filtered through a negative belief system of what can happen, what is the outcome? Here's another thing. When you make the intention of adding value to other people and you know because you're living in the integrity of adding value, you can then trust that the universe will bring you everything that you need. The more I have the intention of adding value to others, it doesn't matter if I mess up or I forget what I'm saying. I remember speaking, I had my friend Kyle Cease come to this live event in Sedona once and he was speaking and it was so funny because the first day I was so worried. I did 3 days, 4 days straight of like 10 hours a day of me speaking and teaching and then I had some guests come in, some like guest speakers. However, I was so worried I was gonna forget what I was gonna say. I was this shame that was like, I need to control what I'm saying. I don't wanna forget what I'm supposed to say. What if I forget mid-sentence? And what happened is then, like the second, no, the end of the first day, Kyle comes and he's just in the present. He always talks about the now, the present moment. He's speaking. He's like, what was I gonna say? I forgot. Anyways, doesn't matter. We're in this moment right now. It was like a joke that sometimes he just wouldn't remember what he was gonna say next. There was no shame to it. It was funny. And I'm like, whoa, I made it so important that I control and have this certain, like I don't mess up. But then he's just laughing at it, having fun with it. And then he just pops in. He just trusts this present moment. He trusts the unknown to bring him whatever he's supposed to say. So in a similar way, the message for you here is that you can find safety in the unknown when you have the intention of adding value. If I make it about, I just need to add value to all these people that are in front of me, these hundreds of people, I wanna add value to them. The universe sends the energy. If I'm like, I don't wanna mess up, I don't wanna mess up because of the way it makes me look, it's ego-driven. I'm in the passenger seat, I know how to drive the car. Instead of trusting and allowing the universe to take you on a beautiful ride of allowing, of accepting, of choosing to living according to the principles and the values of how you choose to live. So for me, it's vulnerability, it's adding value, it's authenticity, it's that integrity. And that's what I focus on and following my excitement. Everything else is just a side effect. It's just a symptom. It's not something I need to focus on. The more I let go, the more magic happens in my life. And the more you let go of control, the more you will allow magic in your life. People that have trouble attracting love, they're trying to control the process of attracting love. Let go. Just let go. Trying to control is putting in resistance. It's telling the universe that you think you know what's best. It's limiting the expression of the probabilities of what could actually come into your life. When you let go, you allow the universe to bring you something even more amazing than your ego can imagine. Let go of importance and let it be natural. Taking resistance off, there'll be more magnetic energy in your life. There'll be more opportunities in your life. You can find safety in the unknown by making the choice and letting go of the payoffs you get from the superficial security of the familiar. And it does take courage. And it does take making a choice, but you, you can do it. Just have more fun. Let go. If you haven't done the meditation, by the way, yet, there's a higher self meditation. You wanna really connect to the power and anchor in your reality, the energy of your higher self. I just did a new guided meditation on connecting to your higher self. There's a message for you. If you're finding yourself, listen to this part of the video, go to that meditation, Right now, let's do it for 21 days and watch how much your life changes.
