If you're a people pleaser, WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY...

What do you believe you're doing by pleasing other people?

Bring them happiness and to bring them joy.

Why? What will happen if you bring them happiness and joy?

It brings me happiness and joy.

Really?

Yeah.

So you make them happy, and if you can make them happy, then you're happy. Now, what if you try to make them happy and they're not happy?

I try harder.

You try harder. Okay, so you try a little bit.

I have a little bit of a problem with that.

Yeah. So if you're trying— so you're trying to make them happy and then they're not happier, then what happens? You try harder. What would that look like? Can you give me an example?

I chose a career that was like perfect for people pleasing.

What is it?

And I'm a massage therapist.

Yeah.

Um, so, and I didn't actually realize it until 23 years when I left the position.

Yeah.

That, that I had chosen perfectly something that offered me something I didn't even know I was getting out of it. Yeah, if that makes sense.

Well, no, it does make sense because what she's becoming aware of is that her profession in general is something where your job is to make people happy.

100%.

Very often fixers and people pleasers will find them in a service-based industry.

Yeah.

And if you guys realize that or seen that before, it's like there's, there's something you get out of it, right? And this isn't something that we have to be shameful about necessarily. Did it? What was that like? Well, you feel guilty or what did you feel?

When I was doing it, I was like in love with it. I thought it was fabulous.

It was great.

I got a lot of feedback.

Yeah.

Which felt lovely as well.

And so what do you mean by feedback from people that were happy clients?

Oh my God, that was amazing. This or that, or like, you know, like being a massage therapist is kind of like the best.

This is kind of similar, by the way, when you think of people pleasing and being, imagine being in some service-based industry where you're a massage therapist, for example, and then you get the payoff of other people going like, oh my God, that was amazing, right? Every time a people pleaser goes and is pleasing someone else by being agreeable, what happens is it's like the person going, oh my God, that was amazing, right?

And it's like, thanks.

I feel great. I feel great about myself. But what happens is, what eventually, is there an energy, a shadow side to that? It sounds like there may have been.

Yeah, well, it was funny. I kind of decided to get out of the career. Yeah, but it was like the world sort of happened. Just, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna end it. It was a great 23 years. It was all the stuff, and then I have so many more things I want to go and do, and yeah, I'm not doing any of them.

So what do you do? So what are you doing now then? Um, nothing.

I'm kind of just being— okay, somebody told me today, I don't know where it was, like being a lady of leisure. Yeah, um, so I'm investigating what's next right now. So, um, I actually do retreats.

Oh, cool.

Um, as well. So I tend to do a lot of travel retreats.

Mhm. Okay, so you are doing something.

Yes.

It sounds like you're doing something you might even be more passionate about.

Yes.

Okay. Yeah. Is there any breakthrough that you've had recently around, like, what are the, what are the major challenges that you have towards people pleasing?

Um, what I realized after leaving the career and it was a bit of a, like, a hit to the solar plexus was the whole time I was like, you know, people pleasing and doing that. It was through my career, which was also, you know, financing my lifestyle and all the things. By leaving that, what I realized is that the people who I thought maybe sort of were like either my friends or my circle or my peeps or whatever, when you left that career, it actually sort of left that behind too. And so I was like, wait a second, like, so it was like this, like, this path now of like going in a different direction, but now it's like alone.

It's alone.

Yeah.

But I probably needed that.

Maybe.

So this is what I've been working on is this solo. Like, I'm from Florida. I just like traveled here. Oh, cool. And it's been on my bucket list for a long time. And I just very much have been really like trying to just let serendipity happen.

Yeah. Well, you're here now.

Yeah, I just like just literally found you. So sorry. I'm like a newbie.

It's all good.

And yeah.

And so let me ask you a question.

Yeah.

Can you write on this whatever pattern you feel more connected to right now? Can you write on the either fixer or pleaser or whatever thing you connect more to as a pattern that you want to let go of?

One of those two.

One of those two or whatever. Yeah. Probably fixer. Okay, perfect. So everyone can see. What she's done is written on the mask, fixer. This is a very powerful— you can hold this for a moment— is a very powerful exercise that you do using a mask. Is what you do is you look into a mirror and what you do is you talk as the fixer. As the fixer, you will exaggerate what it is to be a fixer. So what I'm going to ask you to do now is to put on the mask And you talk about what is that body language like of being a fixer? What is that energy like? And really exaggerate it because the purpose of the exaggeration of the pattern is realizing how silly it is, recognizing how much it is this inauthentic thing of certain time, sometime in the past, you put it on.

Oh, it's an energy sucker too.

When did you decide, by the way, when did you decide that you had to wear the mask of being a fixer or a pleaser? Huh?

Very young.

And what was the purpose of that pattern?

I was the protector in my family.

So was there tension in the family?

Lots.

Like dynamic between mom and dad type thing? Yes.

Okay. Mom is a dominant, dad is not.

Yep. So if dad's not gonna protect you, there's a feeling that I have to protect. But the way to protect is I'm not going to be a fighter and go in and punch somebody, maybe. So there's that.

Don't make that assumption.

Is that— so then tell me about that because the fixer—

I did get, I did kind of get like that side sometimes. Yeah, yeah, because that was, yeah, like that was the protective side. Okay, but then wanting to fix.

Interesting, right? So there's a pleaser because that kind of the opposite of pleasing, right, is being confrontational.

Right, but that's the thing, I was like that way in my younger self, so I wanted— I didn't want that any longer. I didn't—

I see.

So I switched.

So what was the— what was the transition then from being the person that's the fighter, right, to then deciding I'll be passive and a fixer?

Correct. Um, leaving the situation.

Okay.

Yeah, so no longer having to protect, but then I really didn't know, like, I didn't have an identity at that point because I lost the identity of being a protector, right? So then I then I just chose to be maybe a fixer instead.

Interesting. You know, this reminds me, I have a friend, a good friend of mine. She is somebody that struggles also with that kind of like, she can feel people's energies very strongly. Kind of like that pleaser energy is something that she's had to shed. And one thing that happened for her is she told me, she's like, actually, when I was in high school, I would get in lots of fights. And I'm like, what? You would get into fights? She's like, yeah, I would get into fights actually quite often. I'd be fighting for my sister. I get into fights, I was jealous. This is boyfriends, whatever. I'd get into fights. I'm like, what? This is so mind-blowing to me. And I said, what was the time that you decided you had to wear the pleaser mask or the, this, you know, this is the metaphor, but like, when did you decide what shifted, right? You were this person that was like fighting and all this stuff and then something switched. What happened is she had a stepdad who ended up dying. and the last words she said to him were something that she really regretted. She said something out of anger, and she said something like, I don't, you know, like, "Fuck you, I don't like you," or something. She was like in her early 20s, and she said something to this stepdad that she was actually very close to, and her last words were something that she very much regretted. So what happens is in that moment, Before she was the person that was expressing the anger, that was able to get into fights, that had this feisty personality, there was a subconscious choice that was like, I'm not gonna do that because that could lead to literally someone dying. And that's the last words that I said to them.

Wow.

So something to be aware of is like, it can even happen as an adult, right? So there's actually this archetypal energy inside of you of someone that is a protector. Now, of course, as a little kid to be a protector. We would agree that like maybe that's also a mask that somebody could wear.

Of course. Yeah.

Right. I've had to wear that. I wore that mask as well with siblings and stuff where I'm like, I'm the protector, I'm the fixer and the eldest brother that's the most successful. I need to pay for my siblings even though they're in their late, you know, their late 20s and I'm still trying to fix them. And I could see that that was like, that was an incoherent pattern of actually even benefiting them. But at a certain point in my past, I decided my brother and sister didn't have a dad that was around. I had a dad that was around. My brother and my sister on my mom's side, they have a different dad than mine. Their dad wasn't around. So I took it upon myself to be a version of the dad, even though I'm not their dad. Like, and it's like, I shouldn't have to take on that role, but if no one else is gonna do it, I will protect them. I will give them money and help them because their dad's not available or around. So at the same time though, that was a pattern I was wearing that was causing more codependency. So something to become aware of though is that this fixer thing, now what we've concluded so far is actually she had more feisty personality that would like protect, kind of get in there. But at a certain point you decided to wear this.

Well, it wasn't serving me.

It wasn't, the other one wasn't serving you anymore. So then as a mechanism, it's like, well, maybe this will work.

Correct.

Right?

Yes.

And then now for a long period of time, this fixer energy has maybe worked for you. So what I'd like to ask you to do for a moment, you don't have to walk around or do anything unsafe, but if you could put on the mask and talk about what it's like to be the fixer in an exaggerated form. And the purpose of the exaggeration is for you to begin to see how much it's a pattern and not really you. So even the more exaggerated it is, the better. And what we're gonna do is actually this exercise is best to be done with a mirror because when you're looking through the mask into that of the mirror, you're seeing through your, you're looking at eye contact, you're seeing inside the mirror. But what happens is you see that it's a mask and you're able to see the pattern because you're acting it out. You're literally overplaying it out. And then what happens is you then take off the mask and who are you without the mask? And that's the self-inquiry that we're gonna be moving into. So what I'd like to ask you to do, let's give her a big round of applause real quick for coming up here. So I acknowledge that you didn't, that you didn't rate, that you didn't necessarily want to come up here, but you had the courage.

Subconsciously, I did.

Subconsciously, but she looks like she's having a pretty good time.

I don't mind.

Yeah. So here, I'm gonna bring the mirror over here and then this is gonna, you just put this on. And then what you're gonna do is we're gonna connect to that fixer part and kind of exaggerate, and you're going to look in the mirror, make eye contact with yourself. So if you could put that on for me, and then I'll be right back with this. So you can just come over here. There we go. So I know it's kind of like, uh, huh, it matches your outfit. Exactly, she said it matches her outfit. So As you're doing this right now, you might have to talk kind of loud.

Okay.

There you go. We can kind of hear you.

Okay.

So what if you were to exaggerate this pattern of the fixer, the most exaggerated form, what does that look like? And then you wanna do is you wanna look in the eyes at yourself. Like asking, saying, telling. Just things you would say like as a fixer, you know, it's my job is to fix other people. I believe that if I were to fix other people, then I can feel good about myself. If I could fix other people, then I'm doing good in the world. But it's like this, like, like really embody that energy of seeing that exaggerated form through the mask.

Okay.

And it might just take you a minute to connect to it in an intuitional way.

Yeah, connecting it. I was opposite of what you were about to say though. Mine was going to be like, how can I help you?

Like, no, that's perfect.

That's perfect.

Do that. Do that.

Yeah, it very much feels like, you know, so exaggerated to be like You know, like, what can I help you with? Or how can I help you? Or like, tell me.

Oh, I love that. I love that.

Tell me what you need.

So let's, let's get into that state and do that. That is perfect.

Yeah, those are kind of what comes my way.

Okay, cool. So let's, let's do that.

Uh, say that.

Yeah, say that. Look at you and looking at yourself in the— okay, it's on here.

Yeah. Um, oh, my giggle's gonna come out.

And what's cool too is wearing the mask, even laughing, wearing the mask and looking in the mirror is a part of the process. Do you guys see how that is? It's a funny idea to wear a mask that says Fixer on it and to look in the mirror. But at the same time, this is the energy we're carrying around with us everywhere we go. So this is kind of the funny— this is the funny part of what we're doing. And we're choosing to wear a mask that's inauthentic. So could you, you already displayed that energy perfectly, but can you actually like embody it and say it into the mirror? Look at yourself in the mirror.

See, mine is always external.

Yeah. Well, you could say, look at the audience behind you.

Yeah.

Everything you said before.

How can I help you?

Or like, what do you need? What do you need to be seen? What do you need to be heard? What best can I do to serve you?

Yeah.

That's a big one for me.

What else?

What do you need to hear? Yeah.

And—

So what do you need to hear?

Yeah.

Is there anything else?

Those are big ones for me. Like, you know, what you need to hear, what you need to feel, what you need to see, how can I be of service? How can I help you?

Let me ask you a question.

Yeah.

How does it feel to wear this mask right now? You look at yourself.

Silly.

Yeah. No, but how does it feel to wear the mask in life?

Being a fiction? Well, yeah, this is my last few years. I've just taken different masks, and I realized that they're heavy. They're hot. They're annoying.

Yeah.

And so—

And it probably feels annoying to be wearing a mask where your breath like you're just constantly being like, you know, sort of confined, right? Yeah.

So, um, yeah, so that's been a big part of my, like, you know, trying to like take the masks off and just be authentically me, right?

So, so why don't you, for a moment, yep, let's recognize that you're wearing this mask right now and keep it on. Okay, you can breathe. I'll let you breathe. And realize that as you go and close your eye— go and close your eyes for a moment. Okay, take a deep breath in. And then let it go. And what I'm going to do now is I'm going to remove the mask, and you keep your eyes closed. And then in a moment, I want you to imagine with your eyes closed right now, removing this energy of the fixer, of the pleaser, of the person that's always checking on other people. Can I help you? Did you enjoy this service? Was it great? How do you feel? I hope you like it. All this energy, right?

Tons of energy.

And I want you to imagine that what you just did is you took off the mask. Okay? So now in 3, 2, 1, can you open your eyes and look at yourself in the mirror, in your own eyes? And I want you to just connect to yourself, make an eye contact. And just breathe with yourself.

There you go.

And just authentically connect with yourself.

It's lovely.

What do you see now?

It's lighter. It's easier.

Um, who are you without the fixer mask?

Just me, which is pretty cool.

Yeah.

Um, Yeah, I've been really, really focusing on like just taking those masks off.

Yeah.

And I am proud that I have learned different, um, um, something like things that work for me as opposed to what people think you're supposed to do.

Right, right. What was the mask blocking you from feeling?

Um, actually authentic.

Yeah.

And why? Yeah, because it's, it, it it constricts you.

Um, what energy or emotion does the fixer allow you to avoid?

Allow you to avoid, um, looking within. Yeah, yeah, because if you fix everyone else, then absolutely you don't have to fix yourself.

You're fixing other people. We were talking about that earlier. Yeah, you don't have to focus on yourself, right?

I was taught that.

How are you— how are you with tension?

Um, much better. Okay, I don't want to run you over with my truck anymore. Yeah, I used to have like a—

you wanted to run me over with your truck?

You— okay, I have a very like zero to 60, or I used to, yeah, because that was just— that was how it was because I was the one that would like jump in, right? So I was the protector, I was the jumper.

Yeah, so yeah, so, so becoming aware of also what the mask is is protecting you from. Many times people pleasing and fixers can also sometimes lean away from tension because they think tension is bad.

Right?

Right? Someone, if you had a, what would happen if you had a client that wasn't happy with the service that you gave? Right? How would you feel then? Right. Maybe that brings up something. What do you mean you weren't happy? You know, and what happens if you're a giver, if you're an over-giver and you give to somebody and they don't appreciate? How do you feel about that? Super sad, super sad, maybe even pissed off. But do you express how pissed off you are?

I used to, but then I turned— then it turns—

then you wore the mask. Yeah, exactly.

Mask on. And then it—

and then it's like, well, now my identity is the fixer. And as the fixer, I'm not going to show you tension because your tension is my tension. Do you guys see that? So literally, it's like their happiness, them being happy after a massage, was you being happy after a massage because their happiness is your happiness.

Right.

It's like your field expanded to include those around you.

Right.

And then what happens though is then you're dependent on everybody around you and how you're feeling.

Correct.

Right? And that's the mask that you continue to wear everywhere you go. So who are you now that we let go and we no longer wear the mask, the fixer? What's the opposite of the fixer energy? The more balanced form.

Yeah.

Like, but actually that was, The word. What is? It just becomes more balanced.

More balanced.

I become more synced with myself, with those around me.

And imagine if someone over here feels tension and priorly, if somebody felt tension, you'd be like, I need to fix, right? What if somebody feels tension? How would you interact with that now?

Lately?

Just in general, embodying this new energy.

Right, I would say what I've been really focusing on is, they have to come up to that conclusion.

Yes.

Nobody can do it for you.

Yes.

Um, and because I used to enable— yeah, with the fixer.

Yeah.

And so by doing that, enabling me—

give her a hand for that. That's a big insight.

Yeah.

So, and, and all of you watching right now, what we are doing is almost like a form of that stuff that you've probably heard me talk about, a family constellation. Anybody heard me talk about this? I'll talk more about it in a little bit, but Basically, it's like we're replaying certain dynamics right now that you all can also look at your own psyche, your own consciousness of how this relates to you. All right, it's for the space, like you holding space and wearing the fixer and saying it in the mirror. It's also creating that energy dynamic for the room for us to relate in whatever way. So when we're now, you looking at someone over here, in the past, it was like if I'm feeling tension, If I'm like, my back hurts, right? You're no longer a masseuse or something. I'm like, my back hurts. And it's like, I expect you to fix it for me.

Right.

And you could—

what you could say now, what I do is I take a little further approach and I just let them know what they can do to help themselves.

Right. And sometimes people also have to ask for help if they actually want help.

Correct.

Because sometimes fixers just assume it's their role and without even getting permission, they just start trying to fix.

Right?

And that can cause some imbalanced energy. But when you let people go through what they're going through and feel what they feel, that may actually be the medicine they need to grow.

Correct.

Does that make sense? It's like sometimes people need to go through some suffering or some pain without you rushing in to save the day. Because if you can save the day and be a fixer, what does that mean? It means also I feel worthy. My sense of self-worth is tied to fixing. My sense of self-worth is tied to protecting. Because if someone else didn't do it and that need wasn't in childhood met, I will take it and wear the mask myself. So what happens is we all have different forms of this mask. And what we do is the mask protects us from feeling certain emotions. And the fixer feels responsible, takes on the emotion and the energy, makes it their job, carries the burden, and has rules. The rules are when I wear this mask, then I will mitigate your tension. I'm not gonna sit with your tension. I'm not gonna even share vulnerably what I really think or feel because your tension is my tension. Any of you seen the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey? So imagine what he does is he puts on this green mask He twirls around and then he becomes this larger-than-life character with a green face, right? What every one of us are doing, if you're a people pleaser, if you have some form of fixer mentality, it's like you're putting on this mask, you're turning around, and then you're deciding, this is who I am. I am the fixer. I am responsible. How do I— we're playing according to rules that may be outdated, but We're literally attracting people into our life that play out those dynamics. Guaranteed, if you have the pattern of being a fixer or a people pleaser, you're gonna attract people that are hard to please that you can try to fix. You're gonna attract people with problems you perceive as something you can do something about. And you're gonna take it as part of your burden on your back and you're gonna feel weighed down. And then you're gonna say, why do, Why do relationships feel imbalanced? Why do I attract people that take? Understanding that when people overgive, they tend to attract people that overtake, right? There's an energy there. Well, the pattern is, the pattern common denominator is also you. If you didn't overgive, you wouldn't attract the overtakers because you'd give in a reciprocal relationship. Everyone wanna say reciprocal. Reciprocal relationships are balanced. It's not like I'm gonna overgive, and that's also, overgiving is a form of codependency. Because if I over, who else is gonna give as much as I've given, right? I give so much, and if I could just keep giving, no one else is gonna give to the extent that I give, therefore you will always stay. You will always be here. You will never leave. But what that's doing is it's avoiding your own stuff 'cause you're trying to fix somebody else. And it's also you're abandoning yourself every time you do it because you're playing to the game of wearing the mask and taking on the rules and the energies of something that's outdated, but it's just felt, it's felt on your face for so long that you didn't realize that you could take it off.