i'm begging you to stop being a people pleaser

Every person you meet that's a people pleaser or that has that kind of— or an overgiver, there's a certain untapped energy inside of them that if they were to tap into would completely transform their lives.

What is that?

That energy is being in contact with the stored anger and resentment underneath the surface. Normally, what happens is that anger that you're afraid to share towards other people by expressing yourself, becomes internalized.

Hmm.

So, then you beat yourself up because you said yes when you really meant no. So, there's this part of us that gets repressed underneath the surface with anger. And the key is actually the thing that you avoid, if you can embrace it, you will start to become more free. So, if you think about it in the form of a people pleaser, if instead you let it be okay that you express yourself and and someone feels tension, the tension they feel in their body is not your thing to manage. You will feel tension inside of your body when you first start allowing other people to feel tension. And the key is to sit with it.

So hard for a people pleaser.

It is. It is because— here's why though. Because their tension feels like your tension. So, as a kid—

You just want them to be okay.

You want them to be okay.

It's okay. You don't have to do that.

And think about it like this. As a kid, you were in your own energy field. As a survival mechanism, you may have expanded your energy field to include mom and dad because now in order for you to feel safe, you need to ease the tension in them because their tension felt like your tension. So now as a survival mechanism, people that are considered empaths or people pleasers, they expand their energy field subconsciously to include their environment. So now If there is a form of expression that happens, which may mean I don't want to go to that thing, which may mean, hey, when you said this, this is how I felt. Those things used to feel like I'm not allowed to express that.

Yes.

But now when you express it, if somebody else has tension about it, your next level of growth is to let them be in the tension knowing that that also might be their growth. Which is the thing some people don't— aren't even aware of.

Yeah.

Because we think that easing someone else's tension by overgiving or overextending ourselves is benefiting them when in fact it's enabling them. So, as we start bringing our energy back into our bodies, as we start letting them be with tension, what we are doing is that tension that we sit with by letting them be in tension becomes the initiation out of the people-pleasing pattern. And like when it comes to breaking any pattern, the first time you do something that's outside of your old identity as the people pleaser, which wasn't your identity, it was a pattern and a survival strategy. As you start to take action outside of that, it will feel unfamiliar.

Yes.

And what might also come is the dark side of this Is you don't want to be seen as bad.

Mm-hmm.

You don't want to be seen as— it was bad as a kid to be authentic. It was bad to have needs. It was bad to express anger. And guess what? If it was bad as a kid to express anger, then what happens is you repress a certain part of yourself and that anger then gets internalized. So then you have it under the surface and are angry at yourself. So, when you think of people pleasers, they say, I don't like anger. Here's the thing. People pleasers subconsciously love— they are extremely comfortable with tension. They just keep it inside of their bodies. So, for a person to break the pattern of people pleasing, the key is recognizing that you're actually already comfortable with tension. It's just—

It's just within you.

It's just within you.

Yeah.

But the way out, the way into freedom is actually being able to express yourself in an authentic way and then letting other people be with their tension knowing it's not your thing to manage. And if they see you as bad, that also becomes something that you can begin to accept that you're not bad because you express yourself. You're not bad because you let someone deal with their own energy of what they're feeling based on you being vulnerable or expressing how you feel. you then start to recognize that it's actually authentic. And the thing for people pleasers that will completely shift the pattern is when you go from subconsciously, you value approval and validation because you didn't receive it as a kid. So now as an adult, you have to give your inner child that same approval and validation. And then—

And you may not get it from anyone else.

You may not. And here's the funny thing, though. When you allow yourself to express yourself and you actually let it be okay if people don't resonate with you, that's when you're actually free. Like, freedom is the ability to be disliked. What's so bad about being disliked? We think that if someone dislikes us, it means there's something wrong with us.

Mm-hmm.

We think there's something that— there's something that we need to change about ourselves. When in fact, someone else not liking you may have nothing to do with you. And actually, if you can let other people not like you, you are actually free because then you've given up the role of trying to change what other people think about you.

Right.

And as you know, being on, you know, like being in the limelight and stuff like that, like there's going to be people that love what you do. There's going to be people that don't like what you do and everything in between. It's a burdenful job to believe it's your job to please everybody. But here's the thing also that people can recognize about this pattern is that the more authentic you are, the more you begin to respect yourself, it's like you then will notice that other people, even though they may not approve of you in the same way, they'll respect you. So, would you rather give up approval and validation from other people because you approve of and validate yourself? And in exchange then, there is many times respect. And you've probably had that experience before where you meet someone that even if you don't resonate with them or agree with them, you respect that they express themselves authentically.

Sure. Yeah, you may not want to be friends with them but you respect, okay, this person's living their life the way they want to.

Yeah.

I guess the challenge is how does someone How does someone navigate? Okay, I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore, or I don't want to have the pattern of being a people pleaser anymore.

Good job.

But I also want people to not think that I'm, I don't know, unethical or bad or doing something in the wrong way. Like, is there a way to still do that, or is it just they're going to have their opinion on you no matter what you do, even if you say it with the most integrity and the most kindness, but people are going to have an opinion about whatever they want.

Yeah.

That's— I guess that's a challenge because people are afraid of maybe not being disliked, but also, what if they just completely misinterpret what I said or who I am?

Yeah.

And now I feel like I have to explain myself or over-explain so that they understand it.

Yeah. Yeah. And in the same way, that's like another vein of a similar energy of being able to be misunderstood by people. Because ultimately, if you know who you are and you're living by the values of integrity, of vulnerability, of authenticity, and when you express yourself when you normally thought it was bad, if that— if it comes up from other people and they misunderstand you, it's recognizing that it's still not your thing to manage.

Uh-huh.

Because there'll be times that some people may misunderstand you But part of that is when you stop being a people pleaser or you stop overgiving, there will be people in your life that are used to that version of you. So, when you stop doing it, their patterns come up because something's changed in you and you were very convenient for them for a long time.

They're going to think you're a jerk.

They're going to think you're a jerk. Yeah.

If you're not overgiving like you used to.

Yep. What's changed? Did I do something wrong? And you You got to be aware sometimes that that could be their own version of trying to get you to go back, which is guilt. Guilt is— they may be doing it consciously or subconsciously, but you have to be aware of your own energy around guilt, letting yourself feel the guilt that comes up.

Mm-hmm.

But recognizing that what guilt is as an emotion is guilt means I feel responsible. So, I feel responsible for how you feel.

For their feelings.

Exactly. So, even then, their misunderstanding, right? Is if you're still— it still means living with an integrity of yourself and of your own expression, but knowing that even that is not your thing to manage for somebody else. And—

It's so hard for a lot of people.

I'm sure it is, but that's the cost. That's the cost of breaking the pattern and of authenticity.

If someone is living in a state or a pattern of people pleasing and feeling guilty about how others feel about their actions or lack of actions, how high of a frequency can they actually get to inside of themselves energetically if they're constantly living in a state of people pleasing and feeling guilty for someone else's feelings and emotions?

Yeah, I mean, that will block them from getting to a state of true authenticity. And really what it is, is when you are comfortable being you and realize people feel when you— how you feel in your body when you express yourself, other people pick up on that energy and that becomes something that people gravitate to, right? So, it's like energy that's magnetic and contagious is the most fun you can have, the most present to the moment you are.

Yes.

most accepting you are of what you're feeling becomes a frequency and an energy that other people can tune to and match. And this is why you'll probably notice that the podcasts that do the best are probably the ones that you have the most fun recording.

Yes.

Or there's the most flow of conversation, or even there's more of a divine energy flowing through where it's not as much the egos, it's like this dance that's happening, right? And so, energy that's magnetic is energy that's present. And the challenge with people pleasing in some of these patterns is when there's unresolved stuff under the surface and there's an attachment to outcome of what other people feel, that creates resistance.

Mm-hmm.

And people then play off of that resistance and are responding to it. And if you feel lack around acceptance or you feel lack around validation and approval, what you're saying is that that lack in approval is not inside of myself or that approval and validation is not inside of myself. You have it.

Hmm.

I need it from you. Now, here's the thing. When you're around other people and you're thinking about them and you want something from them, think about it like you are energetically sending them energy. You're sending them energy. And as you send them energy, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It feels intrusive.

From you, it feels that way?

Or— It feels like if I really wanted something from you right now and I was really craving it and I wasn't telling you about it, you would feel it. And there'd be a part of you that would feel—

Resistant?

You would resist it subconsciously. And when you bring the energy back into your body and I'm not attached whether you— whatever you do, You'll feel more freedom. And that's when people can actually be chosen by other people. That's when people can actually have that energy come to them. It's when they bring their energy back. And the way in which— it's this simple technique that I found that has completely transformed my life. And like, I have a YouTube video on it and thousands of people, even when I meet people that, you know, recognize me from my videos, that technique is so powerful. It's very simple.

What is this technique and what does it do?

So, it's called the frame technique. The frame technique has to do with feeling safe inside of your body. And it has to do with this idea of either sending energy out or feeling safe inside of yourself. The way I found out about this was actually years ago, I went to this transformation place in Costa Rica. And I get there and there's this consciousness teacher there. and she's teaching about energy. And she did this simple exercise that I'll never forget. She had— she stood at the front of the room and she said, now everyone in the crowd, I want you guys to send me energy. Send me energy. Send me energy.

Like loving positive energy?

Just any energy. Any energy you want. Just project energy at me. So, even if you say it's good energy, I'm going to send them good energy so they think about me, right? Everyone would send her energy in the crowd and she said, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It makes me back up. So then she said, now I want everyone to bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body. Bring the energy back into your body. And as people did that, she said, now it's a magnetic effect. I feel drawn towards the crowd.

You're pulling me towards you closer.

By you being more present to your body, in your body.

Interesting. So what does that look like to draw energy into your body versus sending energy towards someone else?

It's actually the opposite has the opposite effect of what people think that it does because what you actually do is you kind of solve the challenge as a kid of what you did when you expanded your field to include everyone else's and now you're sending energy. You actually feel the separation between you and someone else.

When you draw it back?

Yes. Like you do— the frame technique is a very simple exercise where what you do is you stare at a candle flame about a couple feet in front of you, but eye distance, eye level. And what you do is on the in-breath, you focus on the separation between you and the flame. And that represents self, okay? So, in reality, there's self and other. And what happens is you think about it like the movie The Matrix. Self and other, like zeros and ones, right? What happens is people who didn't feel safe as a kid, They only see more of other around, but they think it's their job to manage the emotion. So, it's like that's an extension of them.

So, it's kind of like making sure everyone's okay, people pleasing and checking in. What do you need from me? How can I be of support?

Whatever. Yep.

But not from a lens of service and self, but more of a lens of I need everyone to feel good so I feel good.

Yes. Yeah, it's a subconscious thing. And what happens though is as you— so you focus on this, the space between you and the flame. When you breathe in. On the in-breath, you focus on the space between you and the flame. On the out-breath, what you do is you still keep your eyes focused on the flame. Eyes that wanders, a mind that wanders. And with your eyes focused on the flame, you then focus on the peripheral, and that represents other. So, it's self, space on the first in-breath. And then on the out-breath, you focus on other, but your eyes are still focused on the flame. And what this does is it allows you to start to feel more safe inside of your body. And you'll find that then when you go out and you meet other people, you find yourself less tuning to them, wondering how they're feeling. So, and who do I need to be? This doesn't mean, by the way, that you're not connected to other people in your life. Like, it doesn't mean you're not still— you can do this in regards to loved ones that you might take on more of their energy and you just want to like energetically feel safe inside of your body. You can still love them, but this allows you to separate your energy from other people's when you've been taking on their energy.

Wow. So, if someone listening or watching feels— identifies themselves as an empath, And I feel the energy of every person around me, and I feel people and animals and anyone who's feeling something, I feel it. And it kind of becomes me. Their joy, their sadness, I take it on.

Yeah.

What technique or strategy can they use, if it's this or something else, to create kind of like a safe space around them while interacting with someone that has a range of emotions?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the frame technique is such a powerful thing where when you begin to feel the separation in the space between you and other people, you allow yourself to then create safety inside of yourself.

So, give me an example. If you walked in here and I just said like, I'm having the worst day ever and everything's wrong and I'm breaking down and I'm like crying all over the place. And I'm like throwing this on top of you.

Yeah.

How would you in that moment use this frame technique? Like, what would you do inside of you while also being present to what my experience is?

Yeah.

And not detach yourself from the person in front of you.

Yeah.

And show that you're a caring, present human, but also not letting it be like, oh man, I'm exhausted from this interaction.

Yeah. Yeah. The difference is in the way in which I relate to you. And whether I think or feel that your pain of what you're going through is my job to manage by fixing you.

Hmm.

Because that's where codependency stems from. Codependency stems from like the rescuer dynamic. I'm going to rescue Lewis because if I rescue you, you're going to like me more, want to be around me more, or something like that. So, the frame technique is being able to still feel the space between us, but also allow myself to feel present inside of my body, to feel present, be like present with you. Healing happens in the presence of an empathetic witness. So, to be an empathetic witness is different than me trying to fix you.

Right.

Part of the thing that really would help people to understand how to really be there more for people is that when you see people as broken and needing to be fixed, you are doing them a disservice in the sense that it is an identity that you're in a way projecting onto them.

It's an expectation that you're projecting onto them.

Yeah.

That you think they should be—

And a judgment in a way, like a label in a way. So, if instead of seeing them as broken and needing to be fixed, you can acknowledge that they may be feeling a certain emotion, but you also understand that they're extraordinarily resourceful and powerful beings, even if they're not in the moment aware of it. So, the presence you bring, the energetic alignment and balance that you bring to yourself becomes the healing mechanism for the other person. So, if I was in— if I came into this room and you were like, oh my God, I'm feeling all these emotions and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

And you looked up at me and I'm like, Lewis, are you okay? Anything I can do different for you? Like, what do you— you would— would you feel safe?

No.

No.

No.

But if you were feeling that way and I was like, oh, wow. And I was like present with you and I slowed it down for you and I asked you some questions that kind of got you more at the roots or got you into reflecting things in a different way, it might be a different energy.

Yes.

Right? So, the thing is we heal through nervous systems.

Mm-hmm.

So, when you— when I am in a calm regulated nervous system and I'm coaching someone else, whether it's at a live event or whatever, my ability to be present with that person and my ability to be balanced inside of myself even in the midst of them expressing their life challenges or what they're dealing with, The thing that really helps— that really helps them heal is that just being an energetic mirror to balance and understanding that they have the answers inside of themselves.

Yes.

And that's a huge part of the process. It's— we assume a lot of times because of how we've been conditioned that answers are outside of ourselves. And therefore, we look for it in other people. Or we look for it in content, or we look for it in another YouTube video or another book. And a lot of times what happens is there's a feeling there that I am not already whole and complete the way that I am.

Mm-hmm.

So, that shame, that emotion then becomes the driving force towards trying to heal more, which creates a shadow side because you're robbing yourself of the present moment right now being whole and complete.

Mm-hmm.

So, when we talk about this energy of anything really, the things I've learned in the last couple of years have been very powerful transformations in my life have been around just understanding the energy. When I am in an energy where I'm having fun and there's passion or the divine flowing through, there's a magnetic frequency there. When other people are expressing their challenges to me, and I'm balanced inside of myself, witnessing them even in their challenges and being present with them and asking questions that bring their own answers, it's extremely powerful and transformative. If I try to give people the answers that they're asking, that the answers are then in me and not them.

Mm-hmm.

And the truth is, we're in an era on the planet now where people are becoming more empowered to understand that the answers are within them, not some guru, not some spiritual teacher. The answers are inside all of us. And the questions that get asked are the ones that reveal the answers to the people.

Yes.

And it's from— it's just that we've been conditioned to believe and look outside of ourselves for the answer. And because we believe that, we look for it. And we never think it's here now. So, we're always looking. We're always trying to get somewhere else.

Yes.

And the joke of the whole thing is that in the present moment right now, if we can accept this moment 100%, have more fun, and recognize that like that it's more of an energetic thing than it is a figuring out from the mind egoic thing, it's like from that energy state comes The answers, and it comes the alignment, and it comes the reciprocal relationships, etc.