Let Go of Codependency & Finally Be Chosen For Who You Are

What is the cure to codependency that will completely transform your life? Like, imagine going from attracting toxic people or people you feel like you need to prove yourself to or people that don't choose you. And imagine going from craving or desiring their love, their approval, their validation. And imagine going to an energy where you're good either way. Imagine going to an energy where you choose you, where you don't put people on any pedestal, where you're not craving anything from them, and where you are able to be centered in your presence, in your own heart, knowing who you are. Where when you go on dates, instead of asking yourself, does this person like me? You start asking yourself the question, do I have things in common with this person? Do we share similar values? Imagine going about connecting with people in a deeper way where you don't feel responsible for their energy. You don't feel responsible for fixing them. And where you become aware that certain patterns from your childhood have been keeping you blocked from deeper love. You become aware that any achiever mask or any type of fixer, I need to fix this person, or feeling like a people pleaser. What if all of these patterns are just echoes of the past that from this video onward, you begin to completely shift out of and you begin to embody the most present empowered version of you? Well, everything in my life shifted When I made this shift, when I began to choose me, when I became aware of these subconscious patterns that were keeping me in superficial relationships, I even was able to trace this back all the way to childhood during what is called a family constellation therapy session where people you've never met before basically are playing out different pattern dynamics of your family who've never met you, know nothing about you, and you're like in awe of watching these very resonant patterns and things play out. Like, how would they know this about my family? Well, I did one of these sessions and what it revealed completely transformed my life.

It made me aware of the core where I decided at a certain moment, what's the point?

I'm just going to achieve. And then that, it created this like achieve fixer mentality. Where then it completely would block more intimate love and deeper connections. Well, how do you go about finally curing and healing the codependent energy? How do you go about letting go of the achiever mask or the fixer mask that's keeping you in toxic patterns? How do you go about actually choosing yourself? What does that even mean? And how do you actually embody it at a physical nervous system level versus just some mental idea? Why is it that when you go through an awakening, very often people, their polarity will flip? This is where men will go through a feminine phase or women will go through like a masculine phase of owning a business and taking on that energy. Called the anima and the animus. And when you become aware of these subconscious patterns, it completely change your magnetic energy. It completely changes how you show up in the world. Well, in this video, which is a clip from a live event, we go through into all of this. It starts off with a woman that's asking, why can't I just stay in codependent energy? Maybe this pattern just works for me. Should I stay in it? And we revealed more of that process is how she can work through that codependent energy. Then we talk a little bit about spiritual awakening, masculine, feminine energy. And then I go into sharing my family constellation therapy session combined with understanding these different masks that we wear growing up that we subconsciously believe we need to wear in order to be loved.

For a long period of time and that works for them. Yeah. That's okay. You find what works for you. You don't need my permission. But at the same time, you have to ask yourself, what do I want? Do I wanna stay in a codependent energy that's maybe bred out of a childhood pattern? Or do I wanna break beyond that and meet somebody? It doesn't mean you can't be with someone. The codependency is just, I'm afraid of abandonment, so I'll just choose someone and kind of settle for somebody where we need each other. But when you need each other, that creates a very heavy energy. And it creates an energy that becomes a lot of work to continue to maintain versus also having the freedom to be interdependent. So what I would do is I would do a little research on interdependent relationships and your homework is to read a book called "Intimate Communion." Okay. It's called "Intimate." Anyone ever heard of that book? Yeah. "Intimate Communion" by David Deida. It's a book that is about masculine and feminine energy. And there are different forms of relationships. There is the codependent, there's different levels of relationships. And if you take this even a step further, this is, we're getting a little bit ahead of it now, but there's something that Carl Jung talks about that is the anima and the animus. Anyone ever heard of this? It's the other side of our psyche, the feminine or masculine side. We all have a feminine and masculine side. And the opposite side is the anima of our gender normally is the one that we're integrating. And when we go through a spiritual awakening, it's common that on the opposite side, people kind of switch where you might see masculine women or feminine men in spirituality. And part of that's because when you go through a shift in consciousness in a certain way, what's happening is you are integrating that other aspect of your consciousness. And when you go through and do that for a woman, that might look like being real boss chick and really looking at your business, being self-empowered. Feminism has kind of grown from that kind of perspective as well, being in your own power, I don't need a man type energy. But what happens on the other side of that, that men might become vegan, they may start being very spiritual and kind of more flowy. They are integrating another aspect of their psyche, of their consciousness. On the other side of that though, there's also a balance that as you cross over, there's a level above that of interdependence where you can actually rest more safely and calmly in your own, what's like the gravity of your preferred polarity, whether that is masculine or feminine. But there's a whole teaching. I mean, this is like a whole, that would be like a whole workshop or more in general. But there are, there is Carl Jung talks about that. "Intimate Communion" is a book that I do recommend for that. Thank you. Does that answer your question for now?

Yes, it does.

Awesome. Let's give her a hand. Awesome. Can we get the microphone? Thank you. Awesome. Okay, so the next step of this journey is I'm gonna show a few more of these patterns just to give you guys a feel. And then what we're gonna do is an exercise for becoming aware of these patterns inside of yourself. Would it be cool for you to actually embody the energy yourself of these different, of letting go of these masks? Yes? Cool. That's what makes this experience more powerful, by the way, is at these live events, it's not just information you're reading, but it's seeing what comes up when you embody the energy and you have other people to witness that in you, okay? Just like when she's at the front and we're working together, there's a lot of, we're witnessing that energy. In your groups, you'll have other people witnessing you, but then you're also able to look into the mirror yourself to start to create that separation, okay? So real quick, what I'm gonna do is I'll show you a few of these different patterns. That can be very common. So it's called, this segment's called Taking Off the Mask. So many times what'll happen is like the fixer energy, there's a certain point of time in our past, we decided that in order to get our needs met, we had to wear the mask of being the fixer. The mask of being the fixer is not who we really are. It's a role that we took on that we played to get our needs met. Those needs may have been easing tension in the family. That need may have been fixing other people. It may have been avoiding our own stuff by fixing someone else, but whatever it did, it was allowing us to not feel certain emotions. So what happens is there's different versions of this. There is the overachiever mask. As you can imagine, the overachiever, can you imagine how the overachiever might wear a mask and how exaggerated that might look. If somebody were to be the overachiever, they're really worried about how they're showing up to the world. They're worried about their accomplishments. They wanna be perfect. This is also the A student, the A student who has to be perfect to get mom and dad's approval. The person that does exactly what mom and dad wants them to do. Certain cultures, you will be lawyer or doctor if you are in certain cultures. Those are your options. And anything else is a failure. So imagine if you live under that rule set and you wanna make mom and dad happy, you will literally be wearing a mask, going to school, getting a degree in something you don't even care about, but you'll get mom and dad's approval. So you live a life of wearing a mask. So the overachiever could be connected to that. The lone wolf, we were talking about that yesterday with the outcast, right? The outcast energy. Imagine it, and I almost brought up the mask by the way, when you were there, but I was like, I don't know if I wanna display, I don't wanna like reveal the masks yet. I was gonna wait for it for today. But like that would've been a good opportunity to, who am I when I am the lone wolf or when I am the outcast, right? I'm alone by myself. Maybe I misunderstood, but it's like I get to, the lone wolf, is protecting you from connection. The lone wolf is protecting you from having to interact with other people and relational trauma. So the mask is serving you to be the lone wolf. If you have a spiritual awakening and then you go out and you say, "Hey guys," tell your friends and your family about this spiritual awakening you went through and all these things you're into, what can happen is you're excited to show and talk about it, but then maybe that energy's not mirrored back. So there's a little trauma there. It's an energy of like, I'm not accepted. I'm gonna hold back. I'm just not gonna express myself at all. I'm gonna be the lone wolf. And if I'm the lone wolf, I don't have to worry about people that don't understand me. In fact, I don't have to worry about people at all 'cause a lone wolf is just one. So the lone wolf is maybe protecting you from that. Fixer is very similar to pleaser. Fixer a lot of times is the energy of projecting and helping someone else at the expense of yourself. A lot of times also the fixer has a form of abandonment wound. Same with the pleaser, form of abandonment wound where what they do is instead of being abandoned by other people, I'm gonna wear the fixer mask, I'm gonna wear the pleaser mask, and then I won't be abandoned by others, but I'm wearing a mask that's very hard to breathe in. Do you see that? It feels very inauthentic to wear the mask. She was wearing the mask for a few moments. I could tell you start sweating, it's uncomfortable. You gotta just breathe, you gotta push it out. Most of us wear these masks all day long, every day, and not realize that we're suffocating in them. We don't realize that we're not actually being our true selves. So the chameleon, any of you ever struggle with the chameleon mask? What happens? I can tell some of you guys are afraid to raise your hand now. It's funny, I can feel it. The chameleon mask is who do I need to be? If you imagine, imagine the exaggerated form of any of these, by the way, the exaggerated form of the overachiever, right? The overachiever is like, what do I need to do? This is something that I realized I had this overachiever mask that I wore for a very long time. When I first went to that place in Costa Rica, I did breathwork and the practitioner, I had such a powerful experience. I was talking to the practitioner afterwards and she said, one of the practitioner helpers said, by the person's breathing pattern, you can tell certain patterns that they have inside of their psyche and their body. I was like, really? I was like, what is my pattern? She goes, you breathe really deep into your back and you kind of tense your back when you're taking a deep breath. You have a form of armor around you that's protecting you. That armor is the overachiever. So when she was working on me, I was breathing. She was like poking at certain parts of my stomach saying, you can let go. You can let go. You're okay to like to be yourself. Like you're worthy as you are. Those were like her prompts for me because my worthy wasn't I'm worthy for who I am. I am worthy for what I can do. I am worthy for how I can help people and how big I can be and how many people I can get to help them. So this is an energy. That was subconscious. That was just kind of underneath. And I was wearing that mask. And real quick, I know I mentioned family constellation earlier. Family constellation, it's a whole thing. I won't go deeply into it right now, but it's basically a German process that has to do with people that are playing out patterns that are in your energy field who have never met you before, but are picking up on the energy in your field and playing out different dynamics. I came here to Sedona to actually do this because somebody, I had 2 or 3 friends recommended to me. So I went to this lady, do this exercise, and I didn't know much about my mom's side of the family because my mom was adopted and her mom and dad, she ran away when she was 13 years old due to certain type of trauma that was happening in the house. She had to out her family to actually run away. And what happened is I see this whole dynamic playing around with my mom, someone playing my mom's mom, someone playing my mom's dad, and my mom there. And my mom's like going into her process. And there was this 70-year-old guy, there's 4 or 5 people there, didn't know who I was or anything. And they were just playing out this pattern and they get into state and they start channeling this energy. It's pretty trippy. And what happened is this 70-year-old guy was playing me. He was the only guy there. There was like 4 other women that were playing different parts of the family. And what happened is my mom was going through a pro— like the lady that played my mom actually looked like my mom. This is a couple months after my mom passed away. So it was like this really trippy experience. But what happened is my mom was like sitting here kind of in her process, kind of a look I've seen her have before when she's just going really internal because she's been through so much. And what happened is the 7-year-old guy comes around playing me and like tugs on my mom's dress. And she was just kind of like moved away 'cause she was going through her own process. She didn't have time or energy for whatever I was going through. So what happened is that 7-year-old guy comes a little bit closer and he was playing me. So the guy playing me comes a little closer and like tugs again. And what happens is mom's still in her process. So eventually what he says is he says energetically, he says, screw it. And he goes over here and starts playing with some things that were on the coffee table. He starts playing, he starts doing. And what happened is afterwards, he said that what he felt, 'cause afterwards there's an integration part, he said he felt like, what's the purpose? What's the point if it's not gonna be there? I'm just gonna do things to distract myself. And that really landed for me because a lot of people that know me, especially a year or two ago when I did this, it's like I was just so focused on business, so focused on doing, so focused on who I could become. There's just this energy of wanting to grow. But a lot of that I realized was rooted in this overachiever energy of who I could be and what I could do. And there's this energy of always needing to do something. Either I'm going on walks, I'm going to the gym, I'm like getting steps in, like I'm always doing something. So my medicine was actually to do nothing. So this last 2, 3 weeks for me of not being on social media, scrolling, numbing myself at all, it's been very reflective because I'm in my own energy being present with myself. It's very healing. But also I get to let go of, I am worthy for what I do. And I can start to realize I'm worthy for just being me. There's nothing I need to do to be worthy. Just like a baby we know is worthy 'cause it exists. So, the overachiever, the chameleon of who do I need to be so that you can be happy? That's a mask that some of us may wear. And think about it. It's like, if somebody were to come up here and be like, they'd just be so agreeable. Think about the exaggeration of the chameleon. Oh, you like pizza? My favorite food's pizza too. Oh, you like this? I like this too. I like this too. Yeah, me too, me too, me too. I'm agreeable, I'm agreeable, I'm agreeable. But isn't that annoying? Isn't it annoying? And sometimes when you see that energy, not necessarily a judgmental way, but it's like we crave real, even if it's different, right? We crave authenticity. And if you don't like pizza or you don't like certain things I like, it's okay. We can still be friends, right? And understand that like, that's the understanding of realizing your medicine may be the exaggeration of, What do you like? What do you like? What do you like? Oh, I like that too. I'm just so agreeable. And as I'm exaggerating this pattern right now, imagine looking at yourself in the mirror, chameleon. I'm just like, what do you like? You start to see it's a mask. It's not really you. So the other side of this is like the mask is protecting you from something. The mask of the chameleon is protecting you from disagreement. Confrontation, exactly. It's protecting you from these things you wanna avoid. The medicine is actually to lean in and embrace those things you're trying to avoid. That's how you take off the mask. You become indifferent, not because you're in apathy or you're numb to it. What you do is you just decide that this is my medicine. If you're a people pleaser and you're afraid of tension, leaning into tension is something you'll do. And then you'll realize, I set a boundary with someone, the world did not end. Actually, this person respects me now and we actually have a healthy, authentic relationship that's built on reciprocity, which is a healthy dynamic in relationship. So the chameleon mask is another one. Humor mask. There's some people where everything's a joke. Hahaha, right? Hahaha, just always laughing. Everything's so funny. I'm gonna make a joke about this. The moment it gets somewhat deep and vulnerable, "Ha, I'm gonna make a little corny joke here." And what happens is there's an avoidance of feeling. There's an avoidance of feeling in your own emotions. There's an avoidance of sadness. Sometimes when coaching people, you could see that if somebody has kind of like a joker mentality, right? It's like, that's maybe who they had to be as a kid is the class clown, the family funny person. Because that's how you mitigate attention. And once again, there could be gifts to some of these. We all enjoy funny people, right? There's not like you have to not be funny, you have to be super serious, but you have to be aware of where you could become more integrated. What are you avoiding if you're wearing a mask that's causing pain? And a lot of times the humor can stay kind of superficial if it's a mask that you're wearing. Does this make sense? So each of these can be also be somewhat, it can be gifts in certain ways, right? And there's something to be learned from all these different masks. The lone wolf, there's some people that can't be alone at all, but the lone wolf loves being alone, right? It's like, oh, I wish I could just be more of myself a little bit more. But you see, like the medicine is on understanding that all of these archetypes, by the way, exist within each of our consciousness. Carl Jung talks about this. All these archetypes are within us somehow. We just may reject them or allow them or have resistance to certain ones of them. But the key for today is to become aware of what does it, what mask are you wearing? What does it protect you from? And who are you without it? And what you do is you then take off the mask and you realize, who am I without the mask? I'm authentic. I'm more balanced. If I'm not wearing the humor mask, I can still be funny at times, but I can also be serious in the right moments, and I can be present with uncomfortable sadness. I don't have to deflect every time somebody makes a joke or something serious happens, I don't have to deflect and turn it into a joke. The medicine is on the other side of some of these things we avoid.