Once you set "internal" boundaries, you'll never have to set "external" boundaries again

When you learn how to set what are called internal boundaries, you won't even have to set external boundaries. You will feel more calm and centered inside of yourself. You will recognize that their tension is theirs and not yours to manage. And you will have a new relationship with anger that allows you to feel more free than ever before. So in this video, I'm going to show you how to finally have a new relationship with yourself, how to stop abandoning yourself around other people, how to stop absorbing other people's emotions and energies and how to resolve this energy from childhood that will completely change the way you view yourself and how you relate to other people. This is a masterclass that I did on Instagram Live. So what I thought I would do is put it as a video here for all of you to see, and it just took on a life of its own, and it was an awesome live that I enjoyed a lot. So anyways, here it is right here. Think of boundaries as As your way of feeling safe inside of your sense of self. And external boundaries are only needed and necessary when there is a block around the expression and a guilt around the expression of boundaries. If you feel guilty setting boundaries, It means you feel responsible for someone else's tension. If you feel responsible for someone else's tension, that's a heavy burden to have, isn't it? So how can you set boundaries with someone else if their tension is your thing to manage? You're basically saying, how could I set boundaries and absorb the negativity and the anger from that other person? So a lot of times you'll find too that people that have trouble setting boundaries with people, they're people as a kid where anger was not a very comfortable emotion to— it was not a very acceptable emotion to be in. And often people that have blocks around setting boundaries, they think— listen to this— they think that if they express any level of boundary or any level of anger, that it means they're evil or coming off super aggressive. But is it actually even true? Because some people that are afraid to set boundaries, they might actually be afraid to set boundaries because they're afraid to actually enforce the boundaries. It's like some people are like, I don't have trouble setting boundaries. I tell people like, hey, this is my boundary, please don't cross it. Okay, but then somebody crosses it, and then it's like— and then that anger, if it's not expressed, it then gets internalized. So some of you don't have trouble setting boundaries at all. You might have trouble enforcing boundaries. You might have trouble saying it and then holding people accountable for it. So what may be the key is understanding that once again, there's an opportunity to express yourself and realize that their tension is not your tension to manage. Energetic boundaries are where you feel safe inside of yourself, and you recognize that at any moment you are able to withdraw your energy. From someone else, from a situation, or for a dynamic. Now, sometimes what'll happen is people will think that I'll set a boundary, and then they're afraid that they're going to have to enforce the boundary again. So what happens is they then end up in an energy of being on eggshells around people because they're like, I don't want to have to set it again. But because you don't want to set it again, that's why you will attract people into your life where you do need to set it again. You see, energetic boundaries is something that you embrace when you become good either way with the pattern. When you become good either way with whether people cross your boundaries or not, because you recognize that you can withdraw your energy. You can set the frame again, etc. Now what happens a lot of times is people— let's look at 3 different layers of patterns of when people stay stuck in a pattern. They don't even think it's possible to set a boundary or to withdraw their energy. They feel anger and resentment, and they also feel a certain level of guilt, and it controls them. But understand, guilt is an unresolved childhood energy where you felt responsible for mom and dad. And if you feel responsible, your energy field has gone out to expand to include mom and dad, and any tension between you and other people then becomes your job to mitigate, which is a lot of pressure, isn't it? Yeah. So what happens is when you begin bringing the energy back to you, And you recognize that the people that are in your life right now that cross your boundaries are in your life as a symbol of an unresolved energy that your psyche is bringing in so that you can learn a lesson. And that lesson is how to become comfortable with expressing yourself. It's how to become comfortable leaning into tension, letting other people's tension be their thing, not yours. So repeat after me: that's their stuff, not mine. That's their tension, not mine. If when you set the boundaries with the boundaries— okay, they're not just boundaries, they're the boundaries— if you want to set the boundaries with people. It's about becoming aware of your own body awareness and what your boundaries are to begin with. Because here's the other thing with people that have trouble setting boundaries: they have a very, very high tolerance for people who are draining to be around. They have a very, very high tolerance for controlling people. Why? Because it was familiar as a kid to be very tolerant. Who you had to be as a kid was very tolerant. So now as an adult, you're very tolerant. And when you're very tolerant of toxic dynamics, you will subconsciously keep people in your life and keep those dynamics in your life because it's what you believe you deserve. But guess what? I've got news for you. It's not. And the very— that unresolved energy from childhood is calling forth inside of you to express yourself and to recognize that the tension they feel when you set boundaries is their thing, not yours. Now let's talk about another block when we talk about this when it comes to boundaries. A lot of people that have trouble setting boundaries Have trouble expressing anger and tapping into anger because anger was not acceptable as a kid. Anger is an icky, low vibrational emotion. The challenge is that what ends up building up on the inside is resentment and anger towards the self. Because if you aren't setting boundaries, you are abandoning the self. And if you abandon the self, you begin to resent the self. So a big part of this is understanding that the expression of anger between you and other people might be the best thing for you and the best thing for them, because you then allow other people to upgrade in how they relate to you, to begin to upgrade and see that there is a certain tolerance you have for certain type of patterns in your life. Now remember, you are priming people on how you want to be treated based on how you allow other people to treat you. And when you stop allowing other people to treat you by either taking advantage of you or that of, um, getting away with a lot, or you're just extremely tolerant, you're stuck in the pattern Where you abandon yourself for them, and that might actually be enabling them. So let's let go of right now this deeper layer here, okay? There's a deeper layer here. That layer is that what you think is good for them has been actually not good for them. Now, part of the reason you might avoid setting boundaries is because you don't want to come off as angry or aggressive. So therefore, if you were to come off as angry and aggressive, that'd be bad for them. And normally, people that have trouble setting boundaries may have experienced an angry parent growing up, and therefore they're afraid that if they express any level of authentic anger, they're afraid they're going to turn into that person, or that other people are going to feel what you felt growing up. That's not— that's the fact that you are even asking the question means you have a level of awareness where you're not some controlling narcissistic person that's trying to manipulate everybody in your life. So if you're afraid of hurting people's feelings by setting boundaries, recognize you're not going to turn into whoever the perpetrator was in childhood that's recreating your unresolved energy for you to find People in your life that you need to learn to set boundaries against because your psyche is attracting people into your lives that can help you learn how to set boundaries. And even as you watch this right now, you're like, well, Aaron, you talked about energetic boundaries in the beginning and how if you set energetic boundaries, you don't have to set external boundaries. But here's the paradox here. The paradox is when you get to a place to where you don't mind if you set the boundaries, where it's familiar to set boundaries, you won't have to set external boundaries because there will be energetic boundaries inside of yourself that's created in your own sense of safety, knowing that other people's tension is their tension. knowing it's not your job to manage them. And then as you feel safe in yourself, knowing at any moment you can set a boundary or result— or withdraw your energy in the moment, you then feel safe inside of yourself. Now there's another side here as well when we talk about energetic boundaries and boundaries in general, and that is boundaries In general, are an opportunity for you to meet your inner child wounding, which will affect every area of your life. Are you ready for the most powerful part of this video? As a kid, if there wasn't the emotion and energy and it wasn't freely given to you that you were encouraged to express anger, or to feel, uh, to feel significant or worthy, you subconsciously may have inner child wounds around not feeling approved of or validated by mom and dad, which creates their disappointment means something about me and I must manage their tension. So what happens is there is then a subconscious seeking of validation and approval on the outside. Now here's the key. Are you ready for this? When you let go of wanting validation and approval, because you begin to validate and approve that inner child and you begin to protect them, you will then begin to feel more safe and confident inside of yourself. And when you feel more safe and confident inside of yourself and you give more permission to yourself to express the real you, You will begin to respect you. So what I'm asking from you here is something that will completely transform your life. What I'm asking is to begin to meet that inner child in validating their anger, in validating their anger, letting them feel angry, which is why breathwork is so powerful, expressing that anger. Because that's where the block is. If you think about it for a moment, the block is that it's not that the anger's not there, it's just that if you don't allow yourself to feel the anger, it becomes internalized, not expressed, and it becomes suppressed. So, and then you abandon yourself because of who you need to be for others. But because their tension is your tension, I can't express it. So realize that when people say that have trouble setting boundaries, a lot of times what one thing they won't realize about themselves is they'll say, I'm bad with tension. I'm bad with tension. I don't like tension. You subconsciously love tension. It's just not the expression of tension. Now, when I say love tension, I mean that tension is on the inside. You must love it if you keep it on the inside. Of course, you might be like, no, it's not. What I'm saying is don't tell yourself you're bad with tension. You have an extremely high tolerance for tension. It's just not a high tolerance around expressing tension until now, until you saw this. Because if you can give yourself permission to express healthy in an anger way, you will begin to become more free in the sense that now you're not harboring stored resentment inside of your body towards the self and abandoning yourself for other people. Now, one of the biggest transformations for me in the last 5 years around this was learning to have a healthier relationship with anger. Because a lot of times people will say, I don't want to react. What's so bad about reacting time to time? Letting yourself feel it, giving yourself permission. And what I've learned is the more I've expressed boundaries or the more I've honored myself and said no, the more I haven't taken other people's emotions and energies and tension. The more I respect myself and the more other people, even if they don't like what I said, begin to respect me. So, what I'm saying here is if you were to give up desire for approval and validation from others because you begin to validate and approve of your own inner child and you begin to live according to the values of authenticity and vulnerability, You will begin to feel more free. And at times, you might feel angry. And give yourself permission to feel that, to express that. Here's the other side of it. You ready? So, you feel you'll be bad if you express anger. Realize that's good to express it. Now, how do you express anger to people? In a healthy way. Well, there's a difference between these 2 dynamics, right? Here's, here's a kind of like a nice little class on how to express anger in a healthy way. There's a way of expressing anger where it's like, you did this and that made me feel this way, which puts the power outside of yourself and is probably an inner child energy where as a kid, mom did this or dad did this and it wasn't fair. Now, when you're centered inside of yourself and you're like, hey, this energy right here, this pattern right here, this is how I feel. When you said this, this is how I felt. So it's not so much like you did something wrong and this is the energy pointing the finger. It's more so an expression of owning what you feel. I feel this way. This is my boundary. When you show up late, this is how I feel. I value my time and XYZ. Do you guys see the difference there? Yeah. So, when we talk about this idea of boundaries, recognize that energetic boundaries is your ability To feel safe inside of yourself, knowing that other people's tension is not your tension, knowing that the guilt you feel is you feeling responsible for their intention, their tension, and that your initiation into being good with external boundaries at such a level that you never have to set them again is about putting in, putting in reps. Okay. The more reps you put in towards doing anything, the more comfortable you get. And right now you might tell yourself, I'm an overgiver, people pleaser, and I'm not good at boundaries. You just might not have put reps in with boundaries. You might not feel you're allowed to. Reps of expressing yourself, reps of setting boundaries, reps of expression. The more reps you put in, the better you get, the more normal it gets. And then you'll stop telling yourself, oh, I'm this kind of person that has trouble setting boundaries.