A coaching conversation reveals why people overgive: they're trying to earn love, control others, and create debt. Overgivers often abandon their own needs and expect the same sacrifice back, which exhausts everyone involved.
I'd been in this pattern of overgiving. Yeah, I just feel exhausted by just constantly giving, and all of the reasons I was doing that became really apparent to me.
What were some of the reasons?
I think it was this idea of like, I have to earn and keep love. Yeah, like it was like, I've got this person or this thing, and if I just keep on trying, yeah, then I won't lose it.
Let me ask you a question about your motives around overgiving. When people are overgiving, they are getting something in return. What would you be getting in return?
Part of it was feeling like I'm keeping tabs on things.
Maybe a form of control.
Kind of a form of control.
So if I give to you and I overgive, you will what with me?
Yeah, maybe it creates a debt in the other person.
Yeah. So if I meet your needs by abandoning myself, maybe you'll do the same.
Exactly.
So if we look at that, we can tell ourselves I'm horrible at receiving, but there is something that you're really good at receiving. What are you good at receiving? You're actually receiving something from that. Everybody that's an over-giver, the belief is if I over-give, if I overextend myself, if I do something no one else will do, I can then control, feel in control. You'll be indebted to me and you're gonna meet my needs. So in a way it's giving with the intent of creating a form of codependency.
