People pleasing is manipulation...how to stop

If you can feel other people's energies, or you consider yourself what is called a people pleaser, this video is one of the most powerful videos you can watch that will show you step by step how to heal, how to stop abandoning yourself for other people, how to stop trying to please other people, which is displeasing to yourself, and how instead to gain the respect of other people by being in your own frame of reality and being the most authentic version of you. We're gonna talk about the mother-father-child dynamic and how pleasing mom and dad becomes a people-pleasing mentality where you then feel like you need to fix the tension in the household or meet up to mom and dad's expectations. And I'm gonna show you how you can take your power back, how this is one of the best things to happen to you because it literally can be the doorway into a new individual expression of yourself. And why this completely transformed my own life. One reason you may feel the need to please other people is because when you were a kid, pleasing your parents was a necessary strategy that you had in order to feel safe, in order to get your needs met. So what happens is people that are what are called people pleasers, they are people that as a strategy are bending their frame. They are modifying themselves to then make other people happy, to then ease the tension in their own life. One way you can think about this is that when you see people pleaser, you can also think of the word parent pleaser. And what we do is one of the most powerful dynamics that we have in our life is the dynamic between mother father-child. So the dynamic that you have with Mom and the dynamic you have with Dad, and the beliefs you have about Mom and the beliefs you have about Dad, and the beliefs you have about yourself and who you need to be to make them happy, who you need to be to ease the tension of the household, will have a very powerful effect over who you decide you are. Now, in the past, it has served you to identify yourself as a quote-unquote people pleaser, as someone that adds value to mom or dad, somebody that is maybe abandoning themselves to make others happy. So sometimes there can also be this dynamic of rescuing other— either people— other people. And you can even bring this back down to something that's called the drama triangle. Have you ever heard of the drama triangle? This is a very powerful understanding that's also between mother, father, child oftentimes. The drama triangle is having on one end, you have the persecutor, someone that is the persecuting other people and kind of like the perpetrator, I guess you could say, someone that's a perpetrator. On the other side of that, you have the victim of the perpetrator. The victim is the person that is receiving that, that is playing small and that feels powerless. On the other side of that, you have a rescuer. So you have the perpetrator, the rescuer, and the victim. This is called the drama triangle. Now, very often what happens is people pleasers are people that maybe at one point were the victim, but are also moving into that of the people pleasing, which is like a rescuer. It's the person that's easing the tension. It's the person that is helping other people. Now, one of the most important things to understand about people pleasing that'll help you stop people pleasing is what you define as helping other people is not actually helping other people. Let's take this as an example of something I've had to deal with in my life, helping certain family members out. I've had things happen in my life where I am, you know, definitely the most successful person in my family, I would say. And the person that's very responsible. And when something happened to my family, like a family member passing away, I stepped into this role of, for a while, helping other people in the family because they didn't have the financial means to help themselves. So what I ended up doing is helping them, and for months I was helping them by giving money, by taking care of their problems. Eventually what I realized is I wasn't actually helping them. What was actually— I thought was helping them was actually hurting them. It was actually enabling them. And I was enabling them to then continue to live in scarcity, to not figure out their own things, to not learn as adults how to actually make their own money. And what I was actually doing was prolonging their healing. I was actually prolonging their growth. Now, the reason I say this is because one of the things a lot of times people pleasers need to hear is that what you think of as pleasing other people may not actually be doing them a service. If you think about people that are trying to please their parents, for example, some cultures, you will go to school and you would become a doctor. You want to make your parents proud. So if you start going after your— you want to be an artist, you want to be a YouTuber, you want to be creating something, you may be worried my parents will not approve of me. I need to please my parents. Well, what you think of as pleasing your parents may actually be enabling your parents from learning how to love you unconditionally. And what's funny enough is being a people pleaser to other people is actually being a disservice to you. You are unpleasing yourself. So you can either unplease— so you could unplease yourself but please other people, But the thing is, is you end up abandoning yourself in the process. Now here's the thing about people pleasing that a lot of people don't understand. Going for approval and validation for other people is a dirty high compared to actually feeling connected to them. So what happens is when you start being the real you, even if there's tension, what ends up happening is they may not approve of it initially because it's a shock to how you've always normally been, but eventually they will respect you. And when they respect you, guess what? Then they're actually tuned to the real you. Now here's the thing, they may not approve of you anyways, but guess what? You approve of yourself. You respect yourself. And when you respect yourself and you approve of yourself on the inside, You don't look for it to the outside. This has to do with something that is called the external locus of control, where you can either tune to the outside or you can tune to the inside. Now, people pleasing, when you are wanting mom and dad to approve of you and you are doing things to make mom and dad happy but disapproving of yourself, or going to college to get the degree that you don't care to have to work the job that you don't care to work, What you end up doing is enabling them and trying to make them happy years later, wasting your time and realizing that you're not happy. So what if the biggest gift that you could give your parents is to actually— for you to be the real you unapologetically? You know, it's funny, I was watching a documentary recently. It was a, it was a documentary on, I think, HBO or something. It was on Steph Curry. Who is considered one of the best 3-point shooters of all time, plays for the Golden State Warriors in the NBA, one of the most successful basketball players, many people would argue, in the league. And at a fault, I mean, he went through so much adversity. He's only 6'2" or something like that, and ended up becoming one of the best 3, like the best 3-point shooter of all time, almost hands down. But you wanna know what's funny is his mom wants him to still get his degree. So here he is in this multiple million dollar mansion with his little cute kids running around and he's like forcing himself on his laptop to get his degree. And his mom is like, but honey, you don't have a degree yet. He's like, but mom, I have 3 championships. But you don't have the degree. So he's forcing himself to get his fricking degree to make his mom happy. And he's just, but why? And it's so silly. And I look at it, I'm not trying to judge or anything when I'm watching this documentary, but it's like the degree to which we will go to get the external validation of our parents versus just deciding who we are. 3 championships is enough. If he wanted the degree, go for it. It doesn't look like he wants the degree, but he's doing it to make his mama happy. So this is funny idea because it's like he's in a way of maybe abandoning himself to make his mom happy. But what is he gonna get once he gets a degree? His mom's validation of saying, "Good job, honey. Now you have 3, you know, NBA championships, you have an Olympic gold medal, and you have this degree from this random college." And he's literally taking classes on his laptop. But you see, we don't see another option when we have this desire growing up to get the approval and validation of our parents. But sometimes one of the processes I think that Steph Curry could go through It's actually a process of what they call it. There's a, there's a book on this that is called Iron John, and it's about the men's initiation into masculinity. And it's a whole metaphorical tale of like getting through and going through the process of individuation. And one of the parts of going through the process of individuation is actually doing things for yourself that is against your parents' approval. Because That is how you create the separation into your own sense of autonomy, your own sense of identity. Now, in the book, it's a metaphor. There's this king and this queen and this kid, very similar to the mother, the father, the child dynamic. And what happens is they find this wild man that's inside the forest outside the castle. They put this wild man inside, in the basement in a cage. And what happens is the little boy has this little golden marble that he loses, and it goes down the stairs and it clinks all the way to where the wild man is. And everyone's afraid of the wild man. And what happens is the boy then dialogues with this wild man, and the wild man says, I'll give you this gold pearl back, marble back, but you have to get the key for me. The key is under the mom's pillow. So the boy has to go back into the bedroom Get the key, bring the key, give it to unlock the wild man, which is, by the way, representative of the untamed masculine energy that many men are afraid of inside of themselves, and needs to literally rip the key out underneath mom's pillow. Now, mom does not want you to grab the key underneath her pillow and to sneakily grab it, but the only way into initiation is to steal the key underneath mom's pillow. Now, mom's pillow is representative of mom's wishes for her son or her baby. It's mom's expectation and wishes. The boy must steal it to get the key to unlock the wild man. And basically what this is a metaphor for is one of the necessary processes of moving into actual autonomy. So what if this people-pleasing dynamic that you have is literally there to get you to have the courage and to have the empowerment to say no to people pleasing and to start to make yourself happy, to start deciding what do I want, what is authentic for me, what values do I choose to live by. Because very often the people pleaser is subconsciously living to the values of validation and approval instead of authenticity and vulnerability. So one of the biggest shifts in my own life has been when I made the choice, it was literally a choice, that instead of trying to get people's validation or approval under this notion that if they even gave me enough validation approval, I would then be enough, to instead going for authenticity and realizing that a side effect of that was respect. So what this meant for me was reestablishing boundaries with certain people in my life. It meant checking in with my body to say, is this really what I think? Is this really what I feel? I remember one time I was at this, this IV place getting an IV in Austin, and there was this guy there that I knew had done podcasts with Joe Rogan and he owned some type of clinic. It was some type of stem cell clinic. And anyways, he was a cool guy that I was like in this with some friends getting IVs and I would just get to know him. But I remember he said one thing and I had this weird esoteric thought that I wanted to share. But I almost held myself back because I didn't want to cause tension in the conversation or something. But it was a unique perspective. The idea was around stem cells and like getting stem cells from certain babies or certain— they're not babies— stem cells from certain people and how that might affect, you know, if you get stem cells. I thought, well, what about generational trauma that might be stored inside the cells? And what if you are getting stem cells or certain umbilical cords from certain people that have certain types of trauma and you're ingesting that into your body, well, is there a different value based on different types of trauma that people have if people aren't aware that they're just putting that in their body? It was kind of a unique perspective. And there was this moment where I almost held back from sharing that because, is this, is it this kind of weird? What if, what if there's no approval or validation? But then I thought to myself, well, this is like, this is something that actually makes— not necessarily that makes me unique, but this is something I actually think. Like, I was like, ask a question. Well, what do you think about stem cells that come from specific people that may have different inherited trauma inside of their cells? Because they've shown that there's a certain— that DNA carries certain energy that can literally pass down through different generations. And he thought about it, and it ended up being this idea that really made him think. And it really— it was— it became like the cornerstone of like a very interesting conversation. But the people pleaser past version of me would have held back, would have not even said the thing that I thought interesting. And what was interesting is even if people disagreed with it, there was like, oh, this person has the courage to express this kind of more esoteric concept in this random clinic for getting IVs. So when you're thinking of the transformation of going from people pleasing into understanding that you must also please yourself, but You could even say that people pleasing, maybe another aspect of this and the breakthrough is around acceptance. Accepting other people to have their perception, accepting yourself to have your own perception of yourself, and knowing that if somebody else judges or someone else has tension or whatever it is, that's their stuff to deal with, not mine. Just like stealing the key underneath mom's pillow, she's angry with that. Your job is not to manage mom's emotions, because remember, you developed people pleasing as a strategy to manage mom and dad's emotions and to, to be who you need to be in order to get their approval. There wasn't unconditional love that was there. So one of the things to understand now is you can be unconditionally loving to your own inner child. You can be unconditionally loving and accepting to yourself. And by giving yourself more permission, you'll find you respect yourself more. You you validate yourself more. And when you do that, you won't look for it so much on the outside. Now, one of the most powerful ways for you to cure people pleasing is to actually learn to get into your own frame of reality. Now, there's something I have that is called the frame technique. The frame technique is where you learn how to separate your energy from other people's energies, but also separate your energy and the mother-father-child dynamic where you learn to be in your power and also to meet the inner child needs that maybe weren't met as a kid. You can completely transform your life when you go through a process of paying attention to this. Now, something I have in my free community is a $1,000 course for free called High Vibe 101. Now, in High Vibe 101, there is an entire module called the Frame Technique. It comes with a workshop, live guided meditation that was recorded live that you can use to connect to your own energy, to feel safe in your own frame, and to heal the abandonment wound that's underneath the surface that's the reason you are actually people pleasing. So if you want a $1,000 course for free that comes with breathwork, the Frame Technique, and other modules to help you transform and elevate your vibration, you go ahead and click the link in the top of the description box below, go through that course, and watch how much your life begins to change.