STOP Being A Nice Guy Or You Will REGRET IT!

Nice guys and people pleasers will always finish last. Always. And until they start to bring their energy back, until they start to be in their own frame, once they do that, everything changes. In this video, I'm gonna show you how to stop being a people pleaser, a nice guy, or that kind of energy, and how to start being in your frame so that you can actually finish first. The thing with being nice is that being nice is connected to a form of manipulation. It is manipulative to be nice. It is manipulative to be a people pleaser because what is happening is when we are being nice, what we are wanting is we are wanting someone else's validation. We're wanting someone else's approval. We're wanting someone else to not feel tension because being a nice guy and a people pleaser normally What I've noticed is that in childhood, there was a lot of tension. There was a lot of energy there that was uncomfortable. So then there was a choice that was made. There was a meaning that was made that said, I'm not going to cause other people to feel tension. I don't wanna feel tension, so therefore I'm gonna be nice. Now, the thing with this is being nice is inauthentic. Being nice is, and here's the difference, by the way, with being nice and being compassionate. Nice is normally conditional. And what happens a lot of times with nice people is they end up storing in a lot of energy and being kind of passive aggressive where they're almost afraid to show and share their emotions because there's a level of shame there that says that I'm not worthy to feel this way, to have my own boundaries or to express myself. So there's this like kind of repressive energy that's being held down. So instead, let's be nice. But when it comes down to it, being compassionate is where you are being compassionate because it's who you are. It's not tied. Even if someone's being rude to you or mean to you, you're being that way 'cause it's who you are, whereas the niceness is a form of manipulation. So I've seen this, by the way, and just to give this basis, if you haven't heard my videos before, I've been through a whole process of transforming and letting go of the people-pleasing mentality. Letting go of being what's called a nice guy. And it was something that I inherited from my dad. My dad still is to this day, he's very much a nice guy, very much somebody that he's like, I'd say somebody that has been that way pretty much his whole life. He attracted my ex-stepmom who was a narcissist. Nice guys and people pleasers tend to attract people that have very strong frames, even in a toxic way. And that's because That's two sides of the same spectrum here. This is gonna sound kind of crazy, but empaths, people that can feel other people's energies, people that will try to change their center of frame so that like the environment feels safe, that was a developmental, that was an energy that was built out of trauma. It was built out of pain. And what ends up happening is because of that energy, they tend to attract people that have a very strong frame that may be considered narcissists, people that it's all about them. And what is happening here is there's actually the same core wound. The same core wound is on one hand, I tune to my environment and I feel other people's energy so that I can help mitigate the tension to make everything okay. And the value a nice guy or a people pleaser get is they get the validation and their approval or the frame from someone else. And that could be a narcissist, somebody that has very manipulative energy, very strong frame. And a lot of times that's also built in the same type of trauma where there's a feeling of shame that is there, a feeling of not being good enough. And instead, I need to control my environment. I need to get everybody to do exactly what I need to do, and I'm gonna gaslight them or do whatever I need to emotionally do to manipulate them to get what I want, which is as well validation and approval. So being a nice guy or even being a narcissist, the cure to this or the way that you move through that is you have to become aware of the shame, the shame that says, "I'm broken, there's something wrong with me." And especially as a nice guy people pleaser, you have to pull your energy back, pull your energy back. This is what I had to do. I had so much trouble setting boundaries. I could not say no to other people. I would lose and being in a group environment and feel like I was losing my sense of self, feeling like I would, like it'd be hard for me to tell what was mine and what was other people's. And what I would end up doing is feeling guilty. I'd end up giving away my own energy, feeling like I had to add value by giving so much of myself because It was trying to hide the shame that I felt from childhood. And what you'll find is in sexual dynamics as well, polarity. Someone that's a nice guy or a people pleaser is someone that's inauthentic, someone that's trying to be a certain way to get something else rather than being who you are. So the key to nice guys and people pleasers is to actually be more authentic. To give yourself permission to express yourself, to give yourself permission to set boundaries with other people, to give yourself permission to be in your own frame, to be in your own body. And that for me was one of the biggest game changers is when I started to learn this. It's actually a technique that I learned from my shadow work integration coach. Whose name is Doug. He taught me this very simple thing that has completely transformed my life. I've taught it to thousands of people through my YouTube videos. If you haven't heard of it, it's called, I call it the frame technique. The frame technique is where what you do is you get, you put the awareness inside of your body, inside of your hands and inside of your feet. And what you do is you take a deep breath in and as you do, you'd be staring at a candle flame and you have the candle flame just a couple feet in front of you. And on the in-breath, you focus very clearly on the flame and the separation between you and the frame. You bring the awareness in your body and you feel the separation between you and the flame, and you look very intently on the flame itself. And then on the out-breath, ah, you relax and you soften your gaze and you focus on everything outside of the flame. And what that does is you start to feel this balance between being in your body, knowing that you are both a separate subject from everything else, as well as connected to everything else. The challenge with nice guys and people pleasers is they are too much of the out-breath. They're too much of like feeling connected to everything. And it's very hard to tell what is mine and what is yours. And this is why it's hard to set boundaries because you don't wanna disappoint somebody because their emotions are your emotions. Their validation and approval is everything. And the key to this process of transformation is to call back your energy and to be able to say this one mantra right here. This will change your life. Say and realize, "Oh, that's your shit, not mine. That's your stuff. If you have a problem with me setting boundaries, that's your stuff to deal with." If I say what I really think and feel and you are triggered by it, that's your stuff. Sometimes when I'm having conversations with people, I can feel just like how they would feel if I say certain things or even like if you're at it where like you're hanging out with a friend and you like maybe praise a friend, but then you can feel that maybe another friend is like, feels like they almost like jealous that you just praised them or something like that. I've had that happen and I can just feel everyone's energy, but I've had to realize like, You could still express yourself. And if that's their stuff, that's their stuff. I've had challenges before where like I'd have to like sacrifice so many areas of my life just to make certain friends happy and certain people happy. And I just woke up to that one day and realized, what am I doing? Why am I sacrificing my sense of self to make other people happy? There is a level of wanting to, you know, enjoy life and add value to other people, but there's like this, if you're not really filling up your own cup and you're not really in your own energy and in your own body, you will find yourself kind of falling inside of other people's frames. And I had this pattern, I think, believe that was built because many of you know my story from 7 to 15, having a stepmom in my life. I was a part of her frame. I had this little box that I had to live in, like literally and metaphorically in a way. Where I couldn't step outside a certain territory, and if I did, I would get like in trouble. So what happened is even after my ex-stepmom left my life and I was 15 years old, I kept attracting people into my life that would keep me in a box. I had all these rules, either jealous ex-girlfriends or managers that were just like my ex-stepmom. And it was like I felt comfortable and safe with other people, giving my power away to other people. To let them tell me if I'm good enough. I felt safe knowing my rules and my boundaries because I had not given myself my own rules and boundaries. I haven't decided what that meant for me. And authenticity is about you choosing, pulling your energy back and you choosing for yourself what and who you are. Because most people that are nice guys and people pleasers, what has happened is there's an abandonment wound there. We are afraid of being abandoned. We are afraid of being rejected. We are afraid of not getting approval, of not getting validation, because we have already started the initial abandonment that may have come from childhood where we felt abandoned. So we made a choice and said, I will not be that way. I will be perfect for everybody. I will help everyone not feel tension. This is who I'll be so I'll never be abandoned again. But the challenge is that we've already abandoned ourselves. We've already abandoned our own inner child. We've already abandoned our own authenticity at the expense for validation and approval as a form of drug, as a temporary bandaid. So one of the things that will change your life more than anything is coming back to yourself. It's coming back to your own body. It is making the choice that from this point going forward, you will be authentic, you will be expressive, you will be in your own frame, you will set boundaries. And you realize that when you start doing this, by the way, here's an interesting thing. You'll be afraid to do this because you'll be afraid of rejection. You're gonna be afraid, if I say this, bluntly, I'm gonna get rejected. My friends and family are gonna be like, what the hell are you doing? I will tell you that when I started stepping outta the nice guy and I started being myself more fully, people loved me more. Yes, I did trigger some other people there. Some people may have fell out of my life, but guess what? I was being the real me. I'll tell you when it comes to sexual attraction, when I started shifting this energy, I started then dating and then I met my girlfriend. It was a completely, there was sexual polarity, there was a different energy because I was not being afraid of showing my heart, not being afraid of being vulnerable, I'm not afraid of like putting myself out there. So the thing that you think, you think that if you're yourself, you're gonna get rejected, you're gonna be not get approval, it couldn't be further from the truth. Everything you want will come to you much more effortlessly the more you are embodying yourself. But remember this, you're not being this new version of you, this bold version of you to get validation approval. You're being this new version of you because it's who you are. It's an end of itself. And when you are in that energy, guess what ends up happening? You are more magnetic, you are more confident, there is more people coming into your ecosphere, and you don't feel like you're losing your sense of frame for others. So feeling inside of your body helps, feeling inside of your own energy helps. And when you really go through this process and you heal that inner child, That's what's really gonna transform your life more than anything else. If you haven't listened to my inner child meditation, by the way, it's one of my most popular meditations I have, click below or go to aarondoughty.com/child. You get that meditation, you go to Kauai, Hawaii, and you activate your inner child. You bring him forward or her forward and you go through this healing process. It is so powerful and it is something that will help you to really also get inside your own frame. So another thing that I highly recommend is This video right here, 5 Secrets to Confidence, Secrets to Really Feeling Confident and Having Magnetic Energy. It's one of my most popular videos on this topic. If you wanna feel confident and magnetic, watch this video right now. People feel what you feel about you. The energy inside of our bodies are contagious, and based on how we feel,