Stop Overgiving 101

Welcome to Overgiving 101. In this video, I am going to show you how to completely transform the pattern of overgiving, how to stop attracting toxic relationships in your life that are reflective of this pattern, how to stop putting out the bait of overgiving, which attracts overtakers, how to get at the core issue here, which is an issue in codependency and letting that pattern go or integrating this lost part of yourself so that then you feel confident in your own body. And as a result, you attract people that resonate with the you that respects you. These are things we did not learn in school. These are things that most people will keep on autopilot throughout their entire life. And as a result, they feel drained, they feel depleted. They wonder, why do I always attract draining people? Why do I attract entitled people or takers? Well, it's literally because this pattern is subconscious. And if you're seeing this video, you are bringing this subconscious pattern into your conscious awareness. So first off, realize you are on the brink of transformation. And in this video, I'm gonna show you and go deep with you to show you how to finally transform this pattern. Now, first off, you might be asking yourself, do I have this pattern of overgiving? Or you might already know that you have it, but I have a question for you. Why is this pattern there? Why do you have it? In what ways does this pattern serve you? Because any pattern we subconsciously have serves us in some way. There is a payoff there. As a kid, normally what happened is we decided that this pattern was safe to have because it allowed us to survive. It allowed us to get by. But then what happens is we start patterning people in our lives that treat us the way we treat us, and then we feel depleted. And then what happens is we keep pattern relationships like that, and we keep basically just keep that subconscious pattern going, feeling drained, and in a way chasing validation instead of validating ourselves. So let's go deeper into this core. Now, first off, have you ever experienced it where when you're with someone else, maybe at a certain phase of a relationship, you're overgiving, you're kind of overdoing it, and maybe you're overly available for someone else. Maybe you're willing to go out of your way to like put your own plans to the side to get somebody, you know, to make somebody else happy, to please somebody else. Maybe you find yourself being very agreeable. You're like, "Yeah, yeah," even when it's not authentic, even when deep down you're like, "Actually, I don't even know if I agree with that." But saying yes, yes, yes is a way of getting that other person to be excited and you feel their excitement is your excitement. So it's like, it just feels so good. Well, what happens is in those dynamics, you end up abandoning yourself to make other people happy. And often what happens is that actually is repelling people from actually respecting you. I remember when I first got on YouTube, I went and I drove all the way to California, which wasn't that far 'cause I lived in Vegas. I think I was at like 100,000 subscribers-ish, maybe a little bit more. And there was this YouTuber that had like 400, 500,000 subs. And I was just quit my 9-to-5 job and I was traveling to LA to meet this person to collab on a video. And I remember that when I went to LA, there was this energy that I had that I was almost like too eager to be around them. It was too new. I was kind of agreeable, but also like willing to kind of like abandon myself and really tolerate certain patterns. And it ended up being this thing where it was like I could tell that my energy was repelling this person from actually seeing the real me. Now, remember what happened is I actually saw this person twice. And the first time I went to see this person in LA, it was like we clapped on a video, but I could tell there was a, that energy was there. And what I ended up doing is I ended up pulling my energy back. After that trip, I was aware of this energy that I was projecting. And that I was overgiving and being overly available, et cetera. And I could tell that it was literally like repelling the person from seeing the real me. I became aware of this pattern. And what happened is on the second time I went to see this person, which was like months later to collab on a different video, what I ended up doing is I ended up not doing that. I actually ended up seeing the value of me. Not in a way like I'm better than you or anything like that, but I started to realize that I pulled my energy back and I wasn't as eager. Also, there was some kind of interesting things that happened where like, I remember going to this person's house and I drove like 4 hours and when I got there, it was literally like 2 hours before he came out because he was on the phone. And I think, and then anyways, I'm not gonna go into the details of it, but it was like, I ended up, in a way, I kind of felt disrespected. And also, 'cause I drove 4 hours and then I was waiting for 2 hours and then I kind of let it go. I was like, you know what, whatever. I ended up going to the gym for like an hour and a half and then I came back and then finally was able to like hang out. But my energy was much more like less wanting anything and more in my own frame. And what was interesting is then the dynamic completely switched. It's like there was respect there. There was more, it was a completely different vibe, but it was because I stopped being overly agreeable, overgiving, et cetera. So I would go as far to say that when you are overgiving, you are not allowing people to actually see the real you. And also at a deeper core, what you're doing is you're creating a form of entitlement in someone else, but you're also enabling that person because you're catering to a superficial aspect of them. So it might feel really good to have yes men around you or yes friends around you that just agree with you on everything you do, but they're not real connections. They're not deep connections. Because it's surface level. Now, for this pattern, and you can also take this a step further, I can see how in the past there was certain relationship dynamics, even in dating, where there was an energy there of wanting to fix someone else. And the subconscious energy behind fixing or giving is that if I give and I fix, you will need me and you won't reject me. So it's a way ultimately of creating codependency. If you need me and I'm here, you will never leave. So if I fix you, you're gonna appreciate me for fixing you. And if I fix you, maybe then you will meet the needs that I have. If I overgive to you, you will then need my overgiving pattern and you will never leave me. So really what overgiving is, is overgiving is a reflection of a pattern of abandoning yourself for others. And we're gonna go deeper into how to actually transform this energy. So first off, for me, it was becoming aware of these, the pattern I had of overgiving or fixing or even projecting onto other people the desire for them to see me a certain way, to have positive emotion of just like the positive emotion of just agreeableness instead of the authenticity of being the real me, which means expressing myself, which means sharing how I feel, Like when that guy, when I went to collab at this guy's house and I waited for 2 hours outside his house and then went to the gym for an hour and came back, I wish I would've said to myself and expressed myself and been like, listen, I just drove 4 or 5 hours to be here and I did not appreciate that energy. I did not appreciate waiting 3 hours to come outside to get me. And I think what was happening is he was dealing with, He was dealing with a thing with his girlfriend or something like that, so he was on the phone, but for 3 hours it was kind of, but then he said he was on doing something else. I just had this intuitive feeling that's what it was. And I was like, it's cool, but like communicate it, you know? But here I was not even communicating to him that like this didn't feel good. You see what I mean? So, and then what happens sometimes when you start to become aware of the overgiving pattern is you start becoming harsh on yourself. You're like, see, you did that to you. And the thing that I wanna get across in this video, because the goal is that by the end of this video, you feel like you have the tools to stop the pattern and to start giving to yourself and to fill up your own cup, is to not feel more shame because shame is what's at the root already. So when it comes to overgiving, what can happen is there's this shame that's there, the belief I'm broken, there's something wrong with me, and to compensate for it, I'm going to give, give, give, give, and then people will never leave. Now, on the other side of that, what can happen is I could say, stop overgiving, why are you doing this to yourself? And you'll look and you say, yeah, why am I doing this to myself? But then you might feel more shame. See, I've got this pattern. See, I gotta let it go. And I don't want that to be the energy of also kind of talking to the inner child that way. At the same time, the other way people compensate with this is then they feel greater than thou. See, I'm not gonna overgive anymore because I am better. And it becomes this superiority, like superiority, inferiority energy dynamic seesaw. So what I recommend is you become aware of the pattern and what you end up doing is you end up letting go of the shame by becoming aware of it. And I'll talk to, I'll share with you how to do that with your inner child. But it's about having compassion for this part of yourself because remember, when we're unconscious of a pattern, that pattern runs us. When we become conscious of the pattern, we then have the ability to shift it, to change it. So let's look at this real quick. So first off, it attracts the wrong people and repels the right ones. When you're being the real you and you're authentically expressing yourself and you're not overgiving, you'll attract people that accept the part of you that doesn't overgive. So you pattern into your life what are called reciprocal relationships. Now, what a reciprocal relationship is, is it's a relationship that's balanced. It's a relationship where you can give and then receive, and then someone else can give and receive, and you kind of are there for each other in different ways. And my close friendships in my life, there's an equal amount It's not like we're constantly having a flowchart of like scoring what is what for each person. It's more so like we're just there for each other. And there are moments when I'm holding space for some of my friends and there is time where they're holding space for me. But imagine if every time you meet up with someone, they just talk about themselves, talk about themselves, talk about themselves, and then there's never any opportunity for you to express yourself or to, they're just not interested in you at all. Well, what happens is you're patterning them and in a way enabling them to continue to treat you that way, but also you're enabling yourself by not expressing you. Even if you were to be vulnerable and say, hey, I noticed that when we talk, it's like, it's basically just you sharing where you're at, but it seems like you might not be interested in me. Or it feels like there's maybe an imbalance in this. Like to be vulnerable could be very powerful. Then you at least give someone else the option to understand the balance of that relationship. I've had times in my past where I had a conversation when I became aware of this pattern, I was literally like, hey, it was kind of like built up over like, this is a couple years ago. It was built up over the course of a few months and I was like, hey, this, I became aware of how I felt and I expressed it to this person. And it was like it opened up something in this person to where they also didn't realize how I felt. And people aren't gonna read your mind to know how you feel, to know that you're overgiving and it doesn't feel good. You have to be somebody that expresses yourself when different emotions come up, but also doesn't expect other people just to read your mind and to understand how you're feeling when you're not expressing it. Now, as a kid, it may not have been comfortable to just, to just not overgive or not to extend yourself. And it might not have been comfortable because you may have been in fear that your needs wouldn't be met unless you did that. It's almost like, you know, I think in my life, because I was the— I am the eldest sibling and I have a whole bunch of younger brothers and sisters, There's this feeling of I'm responsible and that in order for everybody else to be in peace, I must give, I must give, I must help. And then what happens, there's this pattern of overgiving and overhelping. And then I look back and I'm like, I can tell there are moments where I abandoned me. I'm not being real to me and it feels imbalanced, but I've been patterning myself and the universe to respond to me based on the way I treat me. Okay, so first off, let's look at this pattern right here. As a kid, you may have subconsciously decided that to be good, to be a good boy, a good girl, you must give your energy. You must be responsible for other people. And when you are responsible for other people, that is also a way to control reality. Think about this. It's like if you didn't feel, if you weren't able to individuate or to see someone else's tension as their tension and let somebody be in their pain or let someone be in frustration, then what happens is you expand your energy field to include those around you. And you say, I will be responsible for you. And then I will give you, to you. And if I give to you, then I can feel that tension resolve. Think about this insight for a moment. This is part of that mechanism, the survival mechanism. As a kid, it said, I'm not— your emotion, your negativity, you see as yours. You see someone else's negativity, negative emotion, and tension as your tension. So what happens is giving to them is a way to give to yourself an ease of tension at the expense of your own energy. So what has happened is your energy field has expanded to include everybody around you, and then you are overgiving, and you are overgiving because you get to take from that situation in an ease of tension because you've decided that their tension is your tension. So how can I tell you to stop overgiving when you literally believe it is your way to survive? You literally believe subconsciously that your energy field expands to include all those around you. So I can say, hey, stop overgiving. And then you'll say, okay, well, how do I feel safe in my body? How do I be with this energy when I witness someone else's intention? The mechanism that I have to do that is to give, to give myself, to fix, to help. And then you establish a relationship pattern where you're overgiving, they're overtaking, and it's enabling the other person not to deal with their own tension, not to look at themselves. And guess what happens as a response? You feel depleted. So I can't just tell you, hey, stop overgiving without having you, helping you to become aware of what is their stuff to deal with versus what is your stuff to deal with. And when someone else feels tension, you can become aware of where it is your responsibility and where it is their responsibility. And if you can let someone else be in their own tension, That could be a powerful way to also empower someone else. I think back to a certain relationship that I was in years ago where I was with someone and it was like we— I was constantly— I believed it was my pattern to fix them, to help them through a spiritual awakening, to do what I could do to save the day because I am good. So what I did is I was in a dynamic of helping them through their spiritual awakening, doing whatever I could to be the hero, the rescuer, so I could feel good about myself. But what happened is then that person needed me, but they weren't really seeing the real me, and there wasn't that respect there. Because it's like someone that's giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, and you're like, what's going on here? Why, it's like, why are you giving so much? Like something feels off, feels almost like not true or not not true, but like it's like almost inauthentic to give that much. Well, what was interesting is when I stopped overgiving in this relationship dynamic, it allowed a lot of things to go back into place. One of them was polarity. There was more polarity and attraction there when I stopped doing that. I trusted this person to figure it out themselves. I was there if they came to me and they had a question, I could be there, but I was no longer trying to fix. It completely reestablished everything. I remember that was a huge insight. And it came when I completely detached my energy from trying to fix and I trusted them to figure it out. So that's another insight that you can have around this overgiving pattern is that you think subconsciously it's good, I wanna be good, but you reject the authentic part of you and you take on the responsibility of those around you as a survival mechanism to ease tension. But what you could begin to realize is that when you stop taking on their responsibility and you let them be in their energy, their, whatever they're dealing with, what happens is you start to feel safe inside your own body. Feel the separation between you and them, the space in between you and them even. This was a game changer. And this is where I talk about the frame technique, if you've heard me talk about it. It is so powerful because it allows you to let go of that, of that need to change something on the external, 'cause you start to feel more safe on the internal. So this is a first part of the process that's one of the most important parts of letting go of the overgiving pattern. Realize you overgive as a survival mechanism to ease tension and to prove your sense of worth. And when you start to let other people realize that their interpretation of you, their perception of you, their tension is theirs to deal with, not yours. You then start focusing more on you. So for me, I had to also, when I let go of the pattern of overgiving, I had to let go of always trying to be good and to realize that there was a not bad part of me, but the bad part of me I would judge was the part of me that felt entitled anytime I was choosing me. If I said no to going to a party or something I didn't wanna go to, I'd feel selfish. I'm being a bad friend. No. If somebody else doesn't feel comfortable with me choosing myself, then that might reestablish that relationship dynamic or just allow me to be inside my own body to find safety. Behind every people pleaser or fixer, I believe, is an incredible amount of power that's been untapped because of the guise of being good. Because to be good meant to be agreeable, to be good meant to look for validation and support of other people, to ease people's tension. But being bad means being authentic subconsciously. But what I'm encouraging you to do is to embrace that authenticity. Instead of having a filter in your mind that says, how can I ease this person's tension? How can I give? What does this person need? Instead, what you do is you focus on what's authentic in this situation. How can I support this person in seeing them in a higher light and capable of giving to themselves? Because overgivers also many times will have the story that people overtake and that there's a villain, there's perpetrator energy everywhere I go where people want my energy. Well, if that's your belief, then you will constantly attract those people. So part of this is going inside your inner reality, looking at your psychology, looking at the payoffs you get for giving, for overgiving. And here's the crazy thing. The payoffs you get from overgiving are you are taking validation and approval. So really, you're not an overgiver. You're also an overtaker. You're taking and getting the payoff of being the good person, of being the person that fixes, of being the person that eases tension. And you're getting someone else's validation and approval. And because their emotion is your emotion, you feel great about that. That's where you can become aware of this pattern, of the subconscious energy there. Our definitions create our reality. If we say, I'm an overgiver, I'm a horrible receiver, which is a lot of times what overgivers are, generally horrible receivers because they deflect and they don't think they're worthy to receive. Try to give an overgiver a compliment. Oh, that just, yeah, it's just whatever. I just, I'm pretty horrible in real life or something like, I'm a pretty horrible, like literally you try to give a compliment to some people and they're like, oh, deflect. Oh, deflect. This feels uncomfortable for me to receive. But also there's a payoff there for getting to stay in the familiar pattern of feeling not good enough, of feeling whatever that subconscious story is of the reason why you overgive. So realize as well, you receive validation, but you lose respect. You see the validation sometimes, not even all the time, but you also lose respect. And when you start respecting you by being authentic, what'll happen is even if somebody else doesn't validate you, it's okay because you are self, you are sourcing from within. You are sourcing from within and validating yourself because you respect you and you're living by your own values. So at the deeper core of Stop Overgiving 101, this is about becoming aware of the values you are living by that make up your identity. What do you value? Do you value other people's approval and validation? Do you value easing other people's tension, fixing other people so you can be the rescuer? Does that feel good to you? Well, you get some payoff for it, remember. Or do you value being authentic, letting other people sit with their own energy, knowing that their tension is not your tension to manage? And when you begin becoming aware of this, you stop overgiving because you see why the giving pattern is there and why you do it. And instead of being motivated by the validation and approval, you are then living under the values of authenticity. And the— literally, the thoughts will go through your mind: what is authentic in this situation? What do I really feel? What do I really want to say? And you start going through that filter instead of the other filter, because remember, the other filter was just a pattern from the past. So understand that when you begin to love and respect yourself, you won't need other people's validation and approval. Now let's understand this idea here. This is a radical idea. When you are overgiving and trying to ease other people's tension, trying to fix other people, You make other people your God. You make other people this authority figure that can then deem you as worthy or unworthy. And one of the biggest challenges with people in their lives is that they're constantly trying to make everybody else happy, get everyone else's approval and validation, Instead of putting the searchlights on the external, internal. Putting the searchlights that are going outside, I want validation, approval, where can I shine this light? Inwards and towards God. Because at the fundamental level, when you begin to embrace the energy of the universe, the divine, God, whatever name you wanna give it, and you start connecting to that energy inside of yourself, you will feel so validated in God's presence and within yourself that you don't search for it on the external. This is something that's very often talked about in one of my favorite books of all time, which is called Autobiography of a Yogi. And one of the things that it talks about is the searchlights going outwards Awakening from the dream of life that we are in and realizing our connection to God, to the universe, the divine, whatever name. But you see, if, if that focus— because most of the things in our life take our focus away from realizing God within, the connection that we have to this I Am Presence that we're all connected to, that we can use inspiration from enlightened people or people that, you know, have that connect, that realize that connection, 'cause we all have it in some way. But we're so distracted looking for other people's approval and validation, social conditioning, family conditioning, et cetera, that it's like we don't prioritize that connection to spirit. And when you begin meditating more and connecting to God and you begin feeling the meaning of that inside of your life, you won't look for validation and approval from other people nearly to the extent that you do because God's love will fill you up. I know this sounds like it's tricky talking about this sometimes 'cause there's, I know there's like religious undertone. I'm not talking about any specific religion here. Whatever your connection to God is and whatever you believe in, put those searchlights towards that connection Instead of making other people your God and idolizing them, pleasing them, please God by living in alignment with your authenticity of why you came here. And then you respect you. And then when you respect you, you are patterning the universe and other people in your life to, to treat you the same way you treat yourself. So this is an important aspect of everything that we're talking about. Now, you might ask yourself, now, first off, for a moment, let's talk about being nice versus being kind. To give at all, like, I view what I do and what I recommend everyone does is in a way you become a servant to the divine, a servant to God, which means you do give. And I believe that when I give with the content I create, when I give when I'm with other people, I can give from a place of my cup is already full because I'm not trying to get in exchange validation and approval from people. I'm giving from a divine place. Ultimately, we're all connected to the divine. And when you do what you love and when you're in a flow state, it just naturally flows through you. When you're doing something to get a specific result, that's where challenges come. I want you to validate me, to approve of me, to see me as good. You'll never leave, you'll never unsubscribe from me if I make tons and tons of videos and I add so much value. That's an energy intention that'll actually repel away the right people and create a weird energy. But I'm like, no, I'm just gonna express what's real for me. I'm gonna share what I wanna talk about, but also I wanted to add value to people, but it's coming from a place that's not conditional on other people's response. That's kind. You can be kind to someone else or you can be nice. Now being nice is there's an attachment to outcome. Very often when someone, you say, oh, that person's nice, you say it like that because there's something a little inauthentic. They give a lot, but there's something a little bit off because they want something from you. There's a manipulative tactic there. Nice is I, and then if someone's like, I was nice to this person and they didn't respect or they didn't give whatever, respond back, well, guess what? You were being nice, and being nice is attachment to outcome and expect something in return, and they didn't give you what you expected in return, and now you don't feel good about it. If you're being kind, you're cool with it either way. This is just who I am. I'm a kind person. So understand, I'm not saying don't ever give. I'm not saying don't ever be somebody that's compassionate and kind. I'm saying that when you have the lens of connecting to God, to the universe to flow through you, you can then be inspired to give. You could be inspired to connect with people, but it's not coming from this place of give me the payoff of validating me. And you're not doing it at the expense of yourself and overgiving and abandoning you. So nice versus kind, there is a difference. Now you might be asking yourself, how do I actually do this, Aaron? What is the cure? So the cure is looking at your attachment, your attachment and the intention is everything. What are you trying to get when you overgive? Become aware of it. Observe the pattern. That's always the first step. Observe the pattern. Observe the pattern. The pattern is not who you are. You think thoughts, but you are not your thoughts. Observe the pattern. Now, honestly, how do you, like, this is the funny thing about this whole thing. How do you stop overgiving at the fundamental core? How do you do it? You just stop. You stop overgiving. Like, you just, it's a choice that you make. The reason it's hard to make that choice is 'cause you'll say, well, then people are going to react to me. Then I'm not gonna be a good person. Then what about the guilt? If you can embrace those emotions and those energies and be aware of what the motivation is behind overgiving and fixing, that's where you start to take your power back. So it's literally, you just stop doing it. That's the key. But it's not as easy because if I say like, hey, just stop overgiving, but you were like, remember earlier, it's like, well, if I give to you, then I ease your tension and your tension is my tension. So then I, I'm able to take validation and an ease of tension from that. So how can I tell you to stop doing something you literally think you need to survive? Well, you realize that you're gonna be good either way. If someone else feels more tension, that's their thing to deal with. Feel safe inside of your body by feeling inside of your body. Now, the other thing that I recommend is inner child healing. What is the part of you that decided you were good and that you had to overgive to be worthy. Begin to connect to that part of you. Sometimes people say, how do I get rid of this pattern of overgiving? Well, the way you get rid of it is by integrating it. You don't get rid of an inner child that feels like it needs to overgive to feel worthy. You integrate it. You soothe that aspect of you. You let them know that they don't have to take on the burden, that they can play. This is an aspect of your subconscious, of your psyche that you can begin connecting with. And I have meditations for this as well that you can check out. I'll link it below, an inner child meditation you could check out and understand. These are like the 3 steps, like become aware of the pattern and then observe the pattern, question the pattern, question the thoughts connected to it. You can do the inner child healing. By integrating that lost part of you that may feel that way. And then focus on reciprocal relationships, being authentic. Focus on that lens. Make choices from authenticity, realizing that then when you see someone else and you're being the real you, and some, you're gonna attract to you the people that resonate with that real you. Understand that when you start reestablishing certain dynamics in relationships, Some people may hear you out. They may have a process. They may then upgrade themselves to stay in contact with you and to relate in the new way, or they may decide that you're no longer meeting their need and they may go somewhere else. Be okay with that. You came here to learn this lesson in a way, like we come into this earth school where divine spiritual beings that forget that, and we come here to learn certain lessons and to transcend the overgiving pattern We have to become aware of why we're overgiving and instead of overgiving as an exchange for validation and approval, instead of making other people our God, the key is turning the lights within, knowing thyself, feeling the separation between you and other people, allowing other people to be in tension, seeing them as powerful enough to handle it and giving space, but not needing to control or take it on as your own, but then start to connect to something greater than you. You can call it God, you can call it the universe, you can call it the divine. Connect to something greater than you, respect you, look at what you value, and what'll happen is as you embody that energy, you won't crave it from other people because you feel confident within you. So something else I'm gonna be doing soon inside that of my High Vibe Tribe, by the way, is a 7-day raise your vibration challenge for free. There'll be that of learning meditation, the frame technique, learning some really cool practices for completely elevating your vibration. It's gonna be completely free. It'll be available soon. I don't have an actual date yet, but I'm making the videos right now. If you want to join, you can join High Vibe below, High Vibe Tribe below. It's completely free. And then there's times I go live in there and there's some other cool things in there as well. With that being said, if you like this new style of video, can you like this video and comment below? What other 101 videos you want me to make? There's different subconscious patterns you become aware of. What do you think about the overgiving pattern? Can you comment below? I'll have a comment pinned to the top. I'd love to see your conversation. I'd love to make this channel more of this dynamic conversation community where we're looking at subconscious patterns, letting them go, transforming, integrating, individual, individuating ourselves. And I'd love to see your interaction on these videos. Want more authenticity just to be more of what I wanna talk about. So with that being said, look forward to seeing the comments below. And as always, peace, much love, namaste.