STOP people pleasing forever by doing these 3 things

To be honest with you, I don't want to do that at all, but if it makes you happy, I'm all about pleasing you, so I'm down to do it. Please like me. Just give me a little more of that, that validation and that approval. I just get off to it. It's so good. Ow, that kind of hurts. Like I said, please, please like me. Just like me, okay? Please? People pleasing isn't gonna get you very far. It's a never-ending rabbit hole that you just continue to go down. And in this video, I'm going to show you how to finally stop people pleasing, how to take your power back, and how in a way to really show up in the world as who you're meant to be. Welcome back to another video. My name is Aaron and I help people expand their consciousness. Now I'm going to share with you how to not be a people pleaser no more. You have, you have had it up to here. And you are ready to say, yo, I gotta take my power back, I gotta have boundaries, I don't need to make you happy for me to be happy. And here's the dirty secret about being a people pleaser, by the way, too. You wanna hear a secret? Here it is. People pleasing is a shadow mechanism. It is a shadow part of ourselves that is trying to gain the approval of other people because we believe deep down that we don't have value for just being us. And the key to this is realizing that that's a barrier keeping other people from knowing the real you, even if the real you is a little bit blunt, even if the real you has a quirky sense of humor, says things on their mind. So this is a way that you are blocking other people from getting to know the real you. Let me tell you something. The real you is probably freaking cool. It's probably way cooler than the people pleaser version of you. You just don't know it yet because you haven't, you haven't been able to express that part of you. So first off, let me say I am a recovering people pleaser. There, I said it. Okay, I got it off my chest. I used to be a people pleaser until I realized that it wasn't so fun. I mean, I used to work a sales commission job, so pretty much my job was to please other people by providing providing them shoes that they could then buy. Worked at Nordstrom's for years and then a place called Barney's New York for years. And it was my job to do, to do that. But I realized that in a way I actually got some type of sense of value from it, like a sense of worthiness from it. I was like, I'm adding value, I'm pleasing, therefore I'm worthy. And that's what I realized as I started to do more shadow work. Now first off, let me share this with you as well. People pleasing is normally a side effect of, you guessed it, you saw right here, parent pleasing. If growing up you had very critical parents, they were telling you what to do, they reprimanded you a lot, or you had to gain their love in some way, what you may find is that then that pattern after they're not, they're not, you know, you're not in the same house as them anymore, you're then in relationships and then you're finding that you're trying to make them happy and you're trying to please them and maybe that's taken away your own happiness as well because you may be doing things you don't really want to do. It could be maybe a girlfriend or boyfriend wanting you to do something and you don't really want to do it, but you're, you're like, well, if they'll like me more, maybe I will. That's like the energy underneath it. Or friends that want you to go do something. Friends like, hey, come out, come do this. You're like, you know, I don't really want to. They're like, come on, just do it, bro. And then you're like, okay, if it'll make you happy. I make you happy. It's not— that's the thing, okay? We have to be aware of why we do what we do. First off though, people pleasing comes from parent pleasing many times. Somebody you had to please growing up. Now let me ask you this question: who did you have to be to receive your parents' love? Who'd you have to be? Did you have to be perfect? Did you have to not talk out of place? Did you get told that kids are meant to be seen and not heard? Because when I was growing up, many of you know my story. It sounds repetitive if you've listened to my videos before, I get it. 7 to 15 years old though, I had an ex-stepmom in my life that was very much a controller. She would control everything my brother and I did. We weren't allowed to have friends. We weren't allowed to watch television. We weren't allowed to even eat the kind of food that we wanted. We were literally given like a breakfast, like cereal in the morning, one bowl of cereal, and TV dinner at night. We were both very skinny. We weren't given any freedom at all. And in order for us to actually even be able to go to like school activities, if I wanted to go to band camp, if I wanted to go to forensics debate, which I became very passionate about, if I wanted to go to these tournaments, I'd be told, well, unless you do this, this, this, and this, then you won't be able to go to that band camp tournament or that forensics debate tournament. And I mean, all my brother and I did were like the chores. A lot of times we'd be locked out of the house working outside. So we had to literally be perfect. And even if we did everything right, normally we would still be found something wrong. Like it was to the point to where we would be told that unless you admit that you did this thing that you didn't do, like there's something we didn't do. And she'd be like, unless you admit that you did this, you're not going to the band camp tournament. But here's the thing, we didn't really do that thing that we had to admit we do. So even then we would have to lie in order to please her. We would have to be like, okay, I did that thing. I moved that thing from there to there. I did it. And then she'd be like, yeah, I thought so. And then it'd be like, then we were out of it. It was a really weird thing because we had to, no matter what we did, it was never good enough. So what happened is then I developed that pattern. Well, then later on in life, 15 years old comes around, my dad divorces her. He woke up, came to his senses, and realized, hey, this is not normal. 'Cause he's a firefighter, he was gone 24 hours a day back. And my brother and I really had to like, we weren't allowed to really, if we were to express this, we'd get even more punished. If we were to tell people about what was going on, and my dad knew as well, but it was like kind of out of sight, out of mind type thing. But yeah, from that period of my life, 15 years old, my dad divorces her, all of a sudden my brother and I have all this freedom. But guess what? I become a people pleaser. I want other people to like me. I literally deep down felt that the more value I add to other people, the more nice things I did, the more that I did what they wanted me to do was the more I could feel worthy. That's where I got my sense of worthiness. I remember even when my brother and I were growing up, one of us, if one of us were to tell on someone, on the other one, we would then get more love. So literally we were then also primed at that age to want to almost rat each other out even though we were brothers. So you see, this is how, this is how these little shadow mechanisms may be built because the love that we get from the people growing up, from our parents growing up, kind of determines what we then feel like we need to do later on in life. If we were rewarded for telling on someone else, if we were rewarded for, for, doing and doing acts of this stuff to make someone else happy, then we will assume later on in life that that's what we must also do in order to receive love. So I've had experiences before where I was in relationships and I would be adding value. I'd be like doing what they want to do. I'd be in their frame. And guess what happened? A lot of times I would then feel like I, I felt unworthy even though I was doing all of these things. And then it's never really enough. Because you're always doing these things and people then take it for granted. Also, being a people pleaser and being especially a nice guy is, uh, if you're a guy or, or, you know, or a nice woman, however we look at it, that in and of itself is also a barrier. I'll talk about that in a little bit, but in general, who did you have to be to receive your parents' love? And you might find, like, I had another friend that I was talking about this to and, um, I had a friend, she said that she wasn't given much attention. She was one of 6 kids. She wasn't given that much attention from her family growing up. And her dad was like very, and is a very successful businessman. And she said that what she craved growing up was attention. So what she became aware of is that even now in life, she does a lot of things to keep her body looking perfect. It's very, very, very, very strict and clean. Because subconsciously, if she keeps her body perfect and in this fit shape, then she'll get more attention from her husband and from different, different people in her life. That's the subconscious thing, you see. So who we had to be to receive our parents' love, or what we did or didn't receive growing up, may go into our sense of identity now. So if you're a people pleaser, you may actually also have been a parent pleaser. And the key to this is becoming aware of it. Becoming aware of it. When I became aware of my people-pleasing mentality, I then started to just ask myself the question, what do I want to do? And I realized that a lot of times I didn't want to do what the people-pleasing thing was to do. Like, people like, hey, come, go do this. I'm like, I don't feel like doing that today. You get the ability to say yes and the ability to say no, and to realize and to start to associate that when you say no to being a people pleaser, you're saying yes to yourself. And also, if people don't love you unless you do things for them, then that's not actually real love. So this is about understanding that pattern and being aware of it and going deep within your side and saying, who did I have to be for my parents to love me or to receive love growing up? Now, the second way and the second part of this of stopping people pleasing is understanding that validation and approval, what the people pleaser actually wants is validation, approval, and love. Now, the key is that the people pleaser, the person that's pleasing other people, Saying yes to things they don't wanna do, having a lack of boundaries, in assuming that the exchange for that is love and validation. What the people pleaser doesn't understand is that that validation, that approval, that love is already inside of you. All you have to do is give yourself permission to feel it and to realize that you don't have to have any reason to feel that love. You don't have to do anything to be loved. You just, you can be yourself. What happens is with the people pleaser, there's a rule in the mind that says when I do X, then I will feel Y. I realized this when I was hiking one time, actually. I was hiking, I was going to a place over here in Las Vegas. I was hiking with some friends and we were going, we went up to this, to the top of the mountain and there was like this cave that we were going to hang out in. And look at this amazing view. To get to this cave though, you had to like jump onto this thing and it was kind of like, it was kind of shady to do. Like, you know, I was fine getting up there and then when I got up there, I had a friend that wanted to get up and she was like, she was trying to get up that little thing and she started kind of freaking out. She's like, oh my goodness, I can't really get, like it's a big jump. Like she started kind of freaking out a little bit. Here I come. People pleaser Aaron. You wanna know what I said? I was like, just grab my hand, just grab my hand. I will yank you up. I will be the person that is valuable, that saves the day. Just give me your hand and bring you up. And she goes, I'm not grabbing your hand. And then I kind of took it personal for a minute. She's like, I'm not grabbing your hand, bro. And I was like, she's not like that. What's so wrong with me? I can't make you pleased in this situation? But that's what, this is what I realized. Once she got up and did it herself, she goes, if I let you help me up, then I won't know that I can do it myself. Even though she was freaking out in the moment, I should just know, oh, you're just freaking out. Doesn't mean that I need to jump in there and try to please and get my sense of value. Wait, this is what I realized. In a sidewise way, the payoff I was gonna get for bringing her up was gonna be a sense of purpose, a sense of validation, a sense of approval, a sense of somebody needing me to be there. You see, this is shadow work at its finest because when we become aware of these things, we then realize, wait, bro, you don't gotta do that. Let them do their thing. You have value for just being you. You are worthy already. Then I was able to see in my life where I also do that. So all the key to this whole process is being aware of what's going on, being aware of the people-pleasing mentality, and also being aware of how you feel when you do these things. Plus, it's okay to say yes, it's okay to say no. The key to this, especially masculinity— if you're a masculine, uh, person listening to this, or you are, uh, you want to envelop more of your masculinity— one of the most important things of masculinity is having your own frame. It's leading and having your own frame. Now the thing is, is when you are people pleasing, you are not in your own frame. When you are people pleasing, you are trying to get the validation, the approval of somebody else, and then that means you are playing according to their frame. So then if you're a masculine person, you're, you have a feminine person that you're a counterpart. What happens is then, then the relationship becomes depolarized because then that's a feminine kind of a feminine trait to be, to be like that, to be trying to give in that way. Based on the validation or the approval. It's not weakness, but understand that masculine energy wants to lead. Masculine energy has a sense of gravity, a sense of purpose, a sense of mission. But when the people pleaser is activated, what happens in the nice guy— this is what I wanna talk about, the nice guy next. The nice guy, you wanna talk about a shadow mechanism. The nice guy is a shadow aspect that will keep people from knowing who you really are. You can be a nice guy, you'd be a nice woman, doesn't matter. Just in general, being really, really nice is also related to being a people pleaser because you may not be in the way that you naturally are, the way you naturally want to be. Now the key to this though is understanding that energy and understanding that— are you the star of your own movie? You see, this is not just for men, or this is for everybody, but are you the star of your own movie? Because if you're not the star of your own movie, then you might be the cameo trying to please everyone else. So the key to this is realizing that the nice guy is a shadow aspect that keeps people from knowing who you really are, because you're afraid that if you express how you really feel or you do what you really want, that people won't love you. That's profound to realize. I used to be a nice guy as well. But then I realized, hey, this isn't— that not only is this not who I really am, but this also just doesn't get results. I don't— I'm not happy. And then also, the feminine is not attracted to nice guys. The feminine energy is not attracted to nice guys because nice guys aren't truly masculine. There's no polarity there. And every, every woman will say, yeah, I, I like nice guys. "Nice guys are great, what are you talking about, bro?" Then go find one, okay? Go see, go for it. But normally the way that it works with masculinity is the masculine person is in their frame of reality, is on their mission, on their purpose, is leading. What the feminine wants is somebody that leads. Nice guys and people pleasers don't lead. So what I had to learn myself is I had to learn how to embody let go of being a people pleaser, let go of being a nice guy and realizing also that this nice guy-ness was also because my dad is the nicest guy in the world. That's why he let everything happen as long as he did. Plus he's just generally known as a very, very nice guy. So the masculine role model that I had in my own life was this very, very nice guy. And I had to learn, hey, this doesn't get results and this isn't even who I really am. I am a very masculine person, especially when it comes to business, when it comes to willpower, when it comes to me, just, I'm a very blunt, to-the-point person. But what I had to realize is that the part of me that wanted to buy my girlfriend's nice gifts and get some type of validation from it, that part of me was the people pleaser nice guy, wasn't who I really was. And the key to this was integrating that shadow. So I have a, and if you're interested in this, I have a whole entire video on being a nice guy and what you can do as a nice guy something that's called learning how to create positive emotional tension or negative emotional tension, which is being okay with that. And it's a game changer once you learn it. I'll link that video below. It's on, which, you know, if you're a nice guy, watch this video. You can click it right here, check that video out. But realize people pleasing, it's all about becoming aware of it and realizing that if you were to do and be the way you prefer, not only would you create greater attraction in your life, Not only would you be feeling more authentic, but you would literally be the star of your own movie. And that's the key to this whole entire process. So if you haven't already, subscribe below. Let me know if you like this video and this kind of style videos. You want me to make a follow-up video on people pleasing and let me— and I'll check out that nice guy video. It'll be right here. I really think you'll get a lot of value out of it if you resonate with watching it. On that, I hope you enjoyed this video. Peace. I hope you enjoyed it. Please like it. Please like this video. I want to please you. Just kidding. Peace, much love, and namaste.