Stop TRYING So Hard: The Power Of Detachment Explained

Most of the magic will happen when you're in the present moment and you're in a flow state. You watch Kobe Bryant or someone playing basketball back in the day. What you would notice is when they're in these game-winning moments, do you think they're thinking at all? They're not thinking at all. They're in the energy of being. They're being. And when you think of the energy of being, when you're having fun, you're in the energy of being. When you're expressing something you're passionate about, you're in the energy of being. When you're doing some tactic to get someone to like you, you're in a tactic. You're out of the present moment when you're overthinking to try to, to try to figure something out. You're trying to control and control creates resistance. So at the end of the day, the funny paradox is the more you let go of needing to control, the more in control you'll feel. It's the backwards law. Anyone ever heard of the backwards law? Backwards law, guys, pay attention. Backwards law by Alan Watts. It's like the more you try to control anything, the more out of control you'll feel. The more you try to do anything, the less you actually do the thing, right? The more resistance you create. So this is why it's almost like a shift in consciousness happens when you begin to, instead of focusing on outcome, on end result and all of these things, because even if, by the way, you go out, you meet some awesome people, you make some cool connections, whether it's business connections, romantic connections, whatever, and at the end you have the perfect scenario and you didn't enjoy the process, What was the point, right? Like, what if you get to enjoy the process along the way? And what if by enjoying the process along the way you had better results? Well, guess what? That's how it works. The more you are having fun, the more you are in the present moment, the higher your energy is, and the more magnetic you are, the more attractive you are. Even if you're expressing parts of yourself you may normally hold back because of what other people think. If you start to express that, there's a fear that there may be rejection there. But when you realize nobody has a stamp of approval they're going to give you that's going to make you enough, you stop playing that game. You start realizing I approve of myself and only I can approve of myself. And what happens is then the questions, the questions you ask yourself starts to change. So it's almost like you start playing a different quote unquote game, but that game is instead of focusing on outcome, It's focused on present moment awareness. It's focused on being present to the moment. It's focused on enjoying the process because remember, it's not about what you do or the results you get, it's about who you become in the process. But you can be that version of you right now. The only reason you're gonna have trouble being that version of you right now is because you have a big story that's been taken, you've taken with you your entire life about who you are that you try to remain consistent to because it feels safe and familiar. But in every moment you're changing, you can make a new choice about who you are. You can let go of the past, you can let go of trying to prove yourself, you can let go of trying to get outcome. And by doing that, you start to be more present. So it's really a process. I view this whole entire process of socializing, of connecting with other people, of connect— it's really a process of connecting with yourself. Because whatever you believe about you is what other people feel. Does Does that make sense? What, how you feel about you is in your energetic field, right? So if you feel insecure about something, this is the funny thing. If you think about whatever insecurity you have, is there someone else with that same insecurity but owns it? And there's also this other idea that has to do with something that's called paradoxical intention. Has anyone ever heard of that? Paradoxical intention is like the harder you try to fall asleep, Or that the more you try to fall asleep, the harder it is, right? Well, paradoxical intention is that if you make it your intention to stay awake, you're more likely to go to sleep, right? So if you make your intention to go out and to meet other people and to actually find people that you don't resonate with or to get rejected even, what ends up happening is because you have the intention to do so and there's no resistance to the intention, you'll find it's much less likely to happen. Because there's no resistance there. There's no attachment to whether it happens or not. Does that make sense? So energetically, this paradoxical intention is where you become good with the energy of I'm good either way. I'm good either way can become the mantra. I'm good either way. Whether you, whether you vibe with me or not, I'm good. Whether you like me or not, I'm good. Neutral on the response, neutral on the, the whatever the response is, whatever the reaction is, shows you that you're really in your own place of power. But the resistance is what you wanna become aware of. This paradoxical intention thing is where if you go out and your intention is to actually get rejected, the funny thing is that you'll find it happens much less often. There was actually a book that did an experiment on this. There was a guy, it's called "Rejection Proof." Anyone ever heard of it? It's a very interesting book where this guy goes on this journey where he wants to get rejected. Like 100 days in a row. And basically what he does is he gets so comfortable with getting rejected that the things he could ask for people to do that were like things he was for sure gonna get rejected on, it just increased more and more. More and more people were going out of the way to help him because he had no resistance to it. So it was an interesting shift in energy. And then eventually what this guy did is he went to Krispy Kreme and he wanted them to make the donuts in the shape of the Olympics, like when the Olympics was happening. And what ended up happening is some lady said yes to this. She did it. And then what happened is they got all this news coverage and all of this stuff and it like made this guy viral and he became like a public speaker and this book like went crazy and stuff. But it came off this rejection experience of him going into the things he was afraid to do. But what he learned is the more he, he like went into that energy, even with the intention of getting rejected, the less resistance there was and the more likely people were to actually respond in like a favorable way in general. The other thing that I will mention about this that I think it's important to realize is that a lot of times what we may be doing subconsciously is we're replaying similar stories of whatever our core story is. We're replaying that and finding people in our lives to play back those patterns. So it's almost like subconsciously we may be addicted to guilt or shame or feeling not good enough. So subconsciously we go out into the world and we project onto people this story, and they will literally play out the patterns because it's the path of least resistance or will attract people to play those patterns out with us. So very often what can happen is we go out and we try to change external reality. We say, I don't want to feel shame, like there's something wrong with me, so I'm going to get your approval and validation. But what ends up happening is we're once again, we're playing that game. We're trying to prove it to other people. And they are confirming what we fear to be true on the inside. But remember, it's either we are projecting it onto them and they are playing out the energy dynamic, or we're attracting people into our lives to play out those patterns because it's in equal alignment with our belief system. So if we believe we're not worthy, how can you attract people to actually show you that you are worthy? You believe it's not, and what'll happen is you'll actually have evidence around you of people that are reflecting back your worthiness, but you won't be able to see it because it's not in equal alignment with what you believe to be true. But you will find a lot of evidence that says, see, this person doesn't like me. See, I'm not worthy. See, there's something wrong with me. See, I feel guilty. So it's almost like that's where, that's where the power starts to come back to us because then what we can realize is we can own the story, we can own the belief, and we can own the energy instead of believing the false narrative that it's the outside reality that needs to change. It's about realizing that it's an internal reality that we're attached to. And one of the main reasons we're attached to this energy is because it feels familiar. Does this make sense? Yes. Yes. This was the storyline when we were maybe 3 to 6 years old, when we were in a theta state, like up until 6 years old, we're in a theta brainwave state, absorbing the beliefs of our parents, absorbing the beliefs of what things mean to us. So in our subconscious mind, literally we believe I'm broken, there's something wrong with me. And by the way, if mom or dad had shit, like had stuff that was messed up or whatever, because they're our parents and they're our source of survival, rather than think there is something wrong with them because they're our basis of survival, what do we do? There's something wrong with me, right? We internalize it. It's easier to internalize it because we're also in a stage of development where everything is us. Like we're the center of the universe. So like everything is because of us. Dad divorced was because of me. This person left. Mom or dad physically or emotionally unavailable. What did I do wrong? Right? So we say there's something wrong with me. Then we go out into the world and we say, I want to connect with people. I'm going to do all the things I'm supposed to do. I'm going to, I'm going to greet, I'm going to talk to people. But underneath the surface, there's a feeling there's something wrong with me. And the trick is that if we believe it's in the external reality, we're going to try to change the external reality. We're going to try to control the external reality, but the power is in bringing the energy back into your body and owning that story and realizing it's just a story. Many of you, maybe when you were young, believed in the boogeyman, right? You may have like jumped around on your room trying not to let the boogeyman get you, and then you jumped into your bed and you went to bed. But then what happened? One day you realized there was no boogeyman. The boogeyman wasn't gonna get you. That story changed. But what happens is these core stories when we were younger, we just continue to believe them. We continue to get evidence of it and we continue to confirm it in our reality over and over again, not realizing we can change it. And anyone that's experienced any level of transformation has done so because they've decided that instead of this happening to me, this happened Exactly, happened for me. And a lot of the transformation in your life is when you start to give things new meaning. So rather than believing I'm broken, there's something wrong with me, there's energy, you can work with that energy. You can learn to forgive mom and dad, forgive yourself. Look at maybe bringing in some higher power, whatever that resonates with you, whether it's God, the universe, whatever name you give to this energy, allowing that to flow through you so that instead of trying to get your needs met through the external, looking for other people to validate you, you could start to feel validated from the divine, the energy within you and whatever name that you give to that. So the last thing I'll say is let it be easy. If we believe transformation is hard, it will be hard. If we believe we have to fight to prove ourself, we're gonna do that. But if you let it be easy and realizing that your beliefs about the process impacts the process, right? So if you believe that transformation is hard, if you believe that beliefs are hard to be changed, if you believe that letting go is hard, then guess what? Letting go is gonna be hard. But just like I know that if I have this marker right here and I say, can I let go of this marker? Is it hard for me to let go of this marker? It's easy. I can just let it go. But let's say I tell myself a story about this marker. My grandma gave me this marker. I've had this marker my entire life. I got it when I was 3 years old. I've carried it around me everywhere I've gone. It's been around every single major transition in my life. This marker has been with me, and this marker is something that's very special to me. I feel empowered when I hold this marker. Well, now is it easy for me to let this go? No, right? But it's actually just as easy. It's the story. Is this making sense? It's the story we take to put on anyone. If you're talking about an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, and there's some challenge there with letting them go, it's easy to let go. But the story you tell yourself, because you believed in the false narrative that it was the only marker you're going to have in your life, it was the special marker, the deepest, darkest marker you're ever going to have in your life. Guess what? You create resistance, right? But letting go is easy. It's a choice. It's just that sometimes the meaning is something we're tied to because it feels familiar. It feels familiar. It reminds us of a lot of times we'll attract people into our life that play out similar familiar childhood dynamics over and over again. So we put— it's a what? It's a coping state. Exactly. It's a coping state because we're trying as hard as we can to keep the same familiar energy active. That energy is the parasite Owen is talking about. It's an energy that feels familiar, but when you start allowing yourself to process it and willing to let it go, surrendering to the unknown, that's where the energy begins to shift. Yes. You mentioned that need for separation. And I thought, I want you to kind of opine on that a little bit more because I think that's the secret to not giving yourself away, but energetically empowering yourself at the highest level. Yeah, great question. So I'll actually share a little story about this because I believe that in the structure of separation and boundaries, you can actually allow more surrender to come through. So I'll give an example. Last weekend I did a 2-day live event and I had 100-something people come to LA. And in this live event, at every live event I've ever done, in the beginning I express something called group agreements. Group agreements are where what we do is there's certain group agreements that we agree to as a group to keep the energy safe so that more energy can come flow through. One of this is no crosstalk. One of this is phones are off. One of this is boundaries because very often at my live events in between sessions, if like there's a 10-minute break, I'll have a whole bunch of people come up to me to ask me questions and then it drains me of energy so that I can't do what I'm doing at the front of the room. Now what happened is at this live event, the focus was on surrendering to the unknown and I kind of started off the live event talking about that. It was like 5 or 6 hours a day of just me speaking and interacting with the crowd, doing live hot seat coaching and all these things. So I didn't set the group agreements. Now what happened is at the end, towards the end of the day, my energy level started to go down. It was just a long day, but also everywhere I went in the room when I was engaging with someone, other people would just start yelling answers and their thoughts out. Like while I'm walking through the crowd with 100 people and then people's hands were flying up every like 2, I'd say something and I'd be walking around and like 10 people's hands would fly up every like couple. It was very stimulating. But what I realized is I did not set the group agreements that I normally set at the beginning. And because of that, it's like I didn't communicate that boundary, that separation. So therefore there was a lot of chaos that was happening. There were people that were talking out of turn and then, then there were hundreds of people on Zoom, the virtual ticket that couldn't hear what the hell was going on. So what I did is the second day I went in and I started it off talking about how structure is needed for surrender. So I established those group agreements that I made a mistake. I've done many live events before. We always set group agreements. And then I explained that there's going to have to be group agreements. Now what this means is no talking out of turn. Only raise your hand when I ask for hands to be raised. Like I had all these rules that I expressed. What happened is the whole energy of the room shifted. People started to relax. I got told later when I was like walking outside, someone came up to me. I was in the bathroom actually. He's like, just so you know, once you did that, my nervous system relaxed because the day before it was getting kind of chaotic. So what happened is in that structure, in that separation, there was more flow that could come through and there was more of that equal agreement between me and the crowd and just the crowd in general where there was more relaxation that came through. Now what happens from an individual perspective is the, the, we're not just allowing source energy to come through, but it's like instead of wanting source to come through, we're looking for validation from others. So it's trying to siphon and take energy from other people by giving them the burden of meeting our needs. That depletes energy because we're trying to get something that we think is gonna fill our cup, but it won't. And we're also saying this is more important than this, than the divine flowing through. So I believe that the separation thing that we're talking about It's about feeling separate from other people in the sense that you feel safe in your own body. You can still feel connected to other people, by the way. You can do that frame technique with your girlfriend. You can do that technique with people in your family that you still love deeply. Doesn't mean that you're not connected to people. It just means you're taking back your energy and you're giving them their energy and you're not trying to like take their energy or project your energy at them. So it switches the energy dynamic where then the energy is clean And when you're clean inside of your own body, you have more access to divine to flow through. But that structure I think is important. And most people grew up without the structure. They grew up without feeling safe to be in their body. They grew up trying to meet the needs of everyone else in their family. And because of that, they've made other people's needs their thing to manage, other people's tension, their tension. So it's hard to focus and allow the divine to flow through when you're focused on everybody else. So that separation allows you to feel safe in your own body. And then through that, there's like structure because also the other aspect of this is knowing your values, your frame, the things that are important to you. When you know what that is, you're not looking on the outside for other people to tell you what it is. You're not tethering to other people to like find that value and meaning because you found it within yourself. There's this one technique that I wanna share. It's called the frame technique. Now, this is something that I learned years ago that completely transformed my life. It's the thing when I get seen in public that people that recognize me for my videos, very often I hear from people that they applied the frame technique and it completely changed their life. It is such a simple process. I want to share it with all of you because I think it can help you learn how to feel safe in your own body and then tune to other people much less in the sense of needing validation or approval. Is this making sense? Okay. Now when it comes to this, one of the first times I learned this, I went to a life transformation place in Costa Rica and there was this consciousness teacher that was at the front of the room that was teaching on energy and consciousness, and she had this exercise that she did that really shows the power of like this kind of energy. Now what she did is she had everyone in the crowd, like right now everyone in the crowd, send energy to the front of this room. Send energy to the front of this room. Imagine sending your energy to the front of this room. And as you do that, what the teacher was explaining is that as that happens, it feels like a bombardment of energy. It feels like it actually repels. It's like an energy that you can feel that makes you like kind of like back up. Now what happens is if I ask you all right now to bring the energy back in your body, bring the energy back into your body, bring the energy back in your body and feel the separation between you and me, feel the separation between the walls and you. What happens is then there's a magnet effect. There's this pull where you're so in your own frame of reality. That it's like this, this magnet effect. It works the opposite way. Now, very often what people do is they assume that, oh, I want that person over there. I want to talk to them. I want to engage with them. They send energy. So literally energy is dispersing out of their body and going towards that person. Now what happens is you're diluting your field of energy. What happened? Does this make any sense? Your energy is going out making sense. And what happens is your energy is going out. It's literally like there's this esoteric teaching that talks about something called thought forms. This is esoteric, it's kind of woo-woo, but the idea is like there's, there's literally thoughts leaving the electromagnetic field of your body going out. It's dispersing your own energy field. Now when you learn to simply feel safe inside of your own body, when you learn to feel the separation between you and other people, you will start to feel more confident in your own frame of reality. Okay, so that's the first time I heard about this idea, and then years later I had a shadow work coach who had a double PhD in Carl Jungian psychology. And one of the things he told me is I was learning about that and he was teaching me about the difference between self and other. Now self and other is this idea that what happens is many of us when we were kids, we may have tuned to our environment to feel safe. So we may have had to tune to mom, tune to dad in order to feel safe and say, who do I need to be to get validation and approval? But what happens is we then take on the environment and we then expand our energy field to include everyone around us, and then it becomes our job to manage everybody else. And we end up— then you go out to— you go out, you, you introduce yourself to someone else, and you're literally thinking, if I cause them tension, then I'm gonna feel tension because their tension is my tension. This is making sense. So what happens is your field has, as a survival mechanism, Your field has grown to include the environment, and then the thing is, is if I can manage the tension in my environment, then I can feel safe. So what happens is when we do this, this simple process of the frame technique. Now the frame technique is very simple. What you do is you stare at a candle flame, you stare at a candle flame that's about a couple feet away. Your eyes are on it. What you do is on the in-breath, you focus on the separation between you and the flame, the separation between you and the flame, and you want to think of on the in-breath as one itself. Okay? On the out-breath, you focus on other. You don't move the vortex of your eyes. You keep your eyes focused on the flame, but you focus on the peripheral. Now what you do is on the in-breath, you're focusing on separation, and on the out-breath, you're focusing on the peripheral, and this represents one, which is the separation, and the zero represents other. This simple exercise, as you do it on the in-breath, feeling the separation, and on the out-breath, feeling the— looking at the peripheral without looking at it, but sensing the peripheral, you will start to feel safe inside of your own body. And what'll happen is you'll start to see that other people's stuff is their stuff, not yours. So what happens is when you're going out and you're maybe introducing yourself to people, you're at a social event, et cetera, If somebody else doesn't vibe with you, it's not your thing to manage their emotions to get them on board to sell yourself to them. If they don't vibe with you, that's their stuff to deal with, not yours. You don't have to internalize it. It's not your thing to manage so that if you can get them on board, you're subconsciously getting mom and dad on board. Is this making sense? Yes. So exactly, it takes a lot of the pressure off. Very attractive. And it's, it's, it's, it's a very different energy dynamic. So this simple exercise I put on a YouTube video, it's got probably 500K+ views on, on multiple different videos that I've made. But it's such a simple process that when I meet people, like, it, it really helps people that as kids maybe didn't feel safe. So what they do is, as kids looking for validation and approval in the environment, so instead of tuning to that, you start to tune to the safety of your own body. But then you learn that other people's stuff is their stuff to deal with, not yours. And then you start to feel safe in your own frame of reality. So you're not seeking the same thing on the outside. So it changes the energy dynamic. Now, if you wanna learn step by step how to apply the frame technique to feel safe in your own reality, to feel confident in your own frame, then I show step by step in a free YouTube video how to apply the frame technique. It's a guided meditation. Process where I explain it along the way. It's a meditation that is very easy to do, requires no meditation experience. So if you want to check out that video, I'm going to go ahead and put the Frame Technique right here. Welcome to the Frame Technique meditation and activation. This very well may be one of the