The 3 Reasons You CAN'T FIND LOVE! (Fix This Today) | Aaron Doughty

I'm not just gonna explain to you almost every relationship you've ever had and then it all clicks and just makes sense. It's like, oh, that's why things were that way. How to transform yourself from the inside out so that you start to either attract love into your life easier than ever. This video right here is going to explain everything, literally everything to do with love and how you relate to either your partner, how you relate to love within yourself, and it's gonna make it crystal clear as to why things are the way they are. And in this video, I'm gonna go even beyond that. There's a book that is called Attached, very powerful book that explains a lot of what I'm gonna be talking about today. But one thing it didn't really do in my opinion is show the practical way to go about transforming the way that we feel attached to love and the way we, and the kind of people we attract in our life based on that attachment. So in this video, what I'm gonna do is I'm not just gonna show you and teach you the ideas from the book of the 3 different attachment styles, but I'm also gonna show you step by step how to transform yourself from the inside out so that you start to either attract love into your life easier than ever, or you start attracting people into your life that are what are called more secure, meaning they, you are more secure, so therefore there's more of a loving depth to it, and understanding why every negative pattern within relationships that you've attracted in the past have come up and what you can do about it. Now in this video, I'm gonna be sharing with you the 3 different attachment styles, and this all comes from a book. I'll go ahead and post this book right here, and that book is called Attached, and it is a very powerful book. It explains so much. I feel like when I read the book, I understood why I was the way I was, why my ex-girlfriends in the past were the way they were, and then also what I could do within myself to transform myself from the inside out to, in a way, give myself the love that I craved growing up. If you've ever seen the Tony Robbins documentary, "I'm Not Your Guru," then you've seen Tony Robbins say like, "Whose love did you crave more growing up?" Something like that. And then people go, "I craved my mom's, my dad's love 'cause he didn't give it to me." And then there's like this huge intervention where she realizes that she's been attracting emotionally unavailable men because she had that experience when her dad left her when she was 7 or something like that. And that's the idea is that when we're a child, we have different levels of dependency that then go into, can you guys see this whole thing? Okay, just making sure. That then go into our way that we relate to love in our own life. And a lot of it has to do with child work, child work, child healing, like healing from the childhood wounds that we may have had. And that's why in this video, I'm not just gonna explain to you almost every relationship you've ever had, and then it all clicks and just makes sense. It's like, oh, that's why things were that way. But I'm gonna show you what to do about it, how to transform practically from the inside out. And I don't necessarily agree that the kind of the mode of this book, which is actually a great book that explains these 3 levels, it doesn't explain, it kind of says that, you know, your attachment style is your attachment style and that's it. Like, I'm sorry, you're an anxious, you're an avoidant, or you're a secure, or congratulations, you're a secure. And that's just that you're gonna continue to attract this in your life and that the cure is to be around more secure people. No, I think, I know we can transform from the inside out and we can become more secure, holistic beings. That's what transformation, spirituality, person, like this is what this stuff is all about. It's doing the shadow work, doing the healing. And okay, let's just get into it though. So the 3 attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and secure. Now, each one of these attachment styles is formed from when we were kids, when we were little babies, little niños running around. The way we related to our parents and the kind of energy that was in our life when we were kids had an effect on how we perceive of love and our relationship with love. Now, this is how it works with, there's 3 common, there's 3 types. The first one is anxious. The anxious attachment style pulls close, craves love. Now, the anxious is the person that when they were a kid, most likely their parent didn't give them their full attention or they weren't emotionally consistent. So the little boy, the little girl craved more love growing up And what would happen is in order to get that love, that baby may have what is called protested, protest behavior. Protest behavior is where the baby may have cried. Now of course, every baby does this at a certain level, but because maybe the parent was going through something growing up, what happened is the parent was less emotionally available. The baby would cry as a protest behavior to then get more of that attention and more of that love, but over consistency, they felt like there was that lack of love, therefore they craved it. So here's a couple questions to find out if you're in an anxious attachment style. 1, do you feel incomplete when you're single? 2, are you constantly afraid of your partner cheating on you? Next one, do you try to make your partner jealous to make him or her chase you? And then lastly, do you often feel or worry that your partner will stop loving you? Well, if so, congratulations, you have calibrated at the level of anxious. And what this means is that you didn't feel that sense of nurturing growing up, and therefore you may believe that you don't deserve love. So anxious people in relationships a lot of times will really crave that love. There are people that sometimes may give a lot of gifts, want to give gifts and really give that love. And in exchange, they also want lots and lots and lots and lots of reassurance. They wanna be constantly reassured that they are loved back. And a lot of, you know, they're afraid their partner will leave. They crave that love and they'll pull close. So the easy way to think about this is the anxious will pull close and craves love, craves nurturing because they may have not received that completely growing up. And their idea of protesting is what they do is they may, they may act in a way that claims and demands more attention from the other person. They may try to make that other person jealous. They may threaten to leave them. And all of this is to test them to see how much do they actually love me? And that's the anxious. So this is one level. Now let me, I'm gonna explain a couple, then I'm gonna explain the dynamics between them. The second one is avoidant. Avoidant pushes it away and wants space. So the avoidant attachment style feels, and this is where, remember how the anxious didn't necessarily receive that nurturing or that emotional stability growing up? Many times the avoidant, what that means is that they didn't have a stable childhood love, which means a lot of times, and this is what I found to be true with avoidance as well, is they lost trust in one of their parents. They lost trust in feeling safe. So the avoidant doesn't feel safe and the anxious The anxious more so, it's not so much that they don't feel safe, but they don't feel love, so they crave that love. They feel fear of losing love, whereas the avoidant feels like there wasn't the stable childhood love, and that at some point, a lot of times I find that they broke trust in their parent. They don't feel safe, and because of that, they then begin to associate loving relationships with not being so safe. You'll also notice that avoidants, normally they fear intimacy and sexual closeness. Sometimes they literally fear getting too close because that closeness to them represents the ability to be, that trust to be broken. Now, another common trait of the avoidant is that they're always looking for the one. So even when they're dating someone else, they may, and here's the thing, anxious and avoidant tend to, they attract each other. Avoidants don't attract other avoidants because they're pushing away. You have two people pushing away, they're gonna get further and further away. The relationships normally that we see in the world are normally anxious to avoidant. The anxious wants to pull close, the avoidant wants the space and wants to pull away, but they're like magnets that attract each other. That's why I put magnets right here. Now, the thing to understand about this as well is what do So the anxious is almost in a way attracted as well to the independence of the avoidant. And it's almost sometimes a challenge. And I think that because maybe one of their parents wasn't as consistent growing up, it's almost like this feels familiar. I'm gonna seek and crave the love that I didn't receive growing up. And then on the other side of that, the avoidant feels more comfortable and confident with an anxious than an avoidant, obviously, because the avoidant's just pushing away as well. But because there's a level of significance, it's like, oh, this person wants me. I feel you get to get a little inflated, a little, they feel a little bit more worthy. So they may keep them around a little bit, but anytime things get a little bit too close, and remember the anxious wants to be close, the avoidant wants to push away, the avoidant will want some space, will want time to think about things, will sexually push away, will sexually fear that intimacy and that closeness. And the anxious just wants to crave it, just wants to feel and feels very needy. Now secure is, The good old side of this, the secure is they give and receive love easily, which means that their relationship with their parents growing up is that their parents gave and they gave them love consistently. They were able to give love and receive love. So when they're insecure, you're not afraid of getting close, but you're also independent. You're like the best qualities of each. And here's the thing, I believe that we can have access, parts of both. So we could be anxious secure or avoidant secure, kind of like a slash secure, because we're working on it. We doing the inner work. We don't wanna be anxious forever attracting avoidant people or avoidant people attracting anxious people. But one of the important things to understand, I think, is the underlying childhood response that we had growing up and then focusing on that to heal it. So that we don't continue to attract more and more of those, of those patterns into our life. Let me see if there's anything else I want to say here. So the, the, the protest behavior of, of the anxious, remember the protest behavior is excessive attempts to reestablish contact with someone, even an ex. They, they normally have a very hard time of letting go of their ex. They want to make their partners jealous. They may manipulate or threaten to leave, but they're only really threatening to leave to see if the avoidant seriously loves them at such a deep level. They're keeping score too. They're like, hey, I bought you this for Christmas or Hanukkah or your birthday, and all you did was give me this little thing. And it's like, that's keeping score. Now, on the other side of that, there's deactivating strategies of the avoidant. So the avoidant, this one's protest behavior, this one's deactivating behavior or deactivating strategy. Now, what the avoidant does is the avoidant has a behavior that diminishes the attraction or love for the other person. So one way that the avoidant will do this is they'll always have in mind the one. So even if the person they're with, they may have a deep connection with, in the mind they have this idea of, they either call it the phantom, the phantom ex, or they're looking for the one. They fear intimacy, but in the back of their mind, they have this idea of what they want and that it's all gonna be perfect once they find the perfect person. But the issue is, is that anytime they get too close to someone, they start noticing the negatives. They start focusing on the things they don't necessarily like, or they focus on, and then they find reasons to not be emotionally available. So the avoidant will almost talk themselves out of love and push away love, and the anxious craves it so much that it pushes away the avoidant. So it works on both sides of this. And what happens sometimes with the avoidant is that what they then do is they'll push away the love because it'll get too close. So after a certain period of time, they'll start focusing on the negatives. They'll push away that love. And then after they break up with that person, they'll find that they keep thinking about this person over and over again because they're not with them. And then what they do is they find that they're afraid of missing out on the one. So they're afraid to completely let go. Because, because maybe the ex was the one. Whereas the anxious breaks up with the avoidant, or, you know, gets— is not with the avoidant anymore. And normally the avoidant will break up with the anxious, by the way. The anxious is not with the avoidant anymore and may continue to have a trouble— hard time letting go of the other person. But eventually the anxious does let go a lot, normally. You know, this is all, this is all depending on our own energy as well. But the avoidant tends to kind of hold onto the idea. The avoidant likes the idea of all of this. So committing to a person, commitment is scary to the avoidant, and the anxious doesn't think they're almost like they weren't nurtured, they don't feel that love, so they crave it. And the important part to understand this, oh, the other avoidant deactivating behaviors, by the way, is leaving when the relationship is going well, having a hard time saying I love you, maybe not liking PDA or holding hands, falling in love with a person that is unavailable, keeping secrets, being unfaithful, and also avoiding sexual contact. These are all levels of avoidant. Now, secure is you're able to both express and give the other person what they want or need, be aware of that, but not be dependent. And at the same time, you're able to be dependent 'cause you know your own worth, you know your own love. And congratulations if you're secure. But if you're secure, you probably didn't click on this video or you didn't resonate with these two and you just good. You don't have to watch most of the rest of the video. I mean, you can if you want, but that's the idea. So here's the difference between learning about these books. By the way, another, another small thing that I noticed, I have videos on YouTube with over a million views. I'm not saying that to brag and like, sounds so cool, but there, if you go look, I have videos on stop chasing love and instead do this. Some of those videos, 2 or 3 of those videos have over a million views. Most of the people that viewed that video were anxious because they're used to needing or feeling and chasing love. And because of that, they, they, that video then shows them, hey, stop chasing love. Cause if you're chasing love, you mean you're not nurtured. You don't think you deserve love and you're feeling needy and that's repelling other people. Now that's just this little side note there, but the key to this process is healing the childhood wound. So for the anxious, it is healing the childhood wound of not being nurtured or feeling consistent love. For the avoidant, it's having the not stable childhood love, having the broken trust with maybe one of your parents, but also maybe you were emotionally manipulated growing up, emotionally manipulated. Maybe you had one of the parents you had to please and like that caused you to maybe not trust them. And then what happened is it's safer for you to be independent and to push away than it is for you to get close because that intimacy, that closeness, something bad could happen. But then again, it's like you don't want it to go too far away 'cause you're afraid of losing out on the one or that idea. So it's about looking at that childhood trauma, which means many times, are you focused on reestablishing the trust with yourself? Are you focused on nurturing the love within yourself and giving yourself that love? That's the difference between what I'm sharing here and what the book really talks about because it kind of says, oh, the key is to find someone secure. No, and there's ways of, you can become a more secure person by becoming more whole and doing the inner transformation work. If you think that what happened in childhood is the way it's always gonna be no matter what, then that is a fixed mindset. You can give yourself love and transform. Yes, maybe you can always remember back to the time when this happened in your past. But remember, what quantum physics showing us is that the only moment that exists is this moment right now. And that as we change in the present moment, we're changing different paths that we connect to. We can relate differently. And I'll tell you from my own experience, I've had relationships where I'm more anxious and I'm predominantly more anxious than avoidant because I think I craved that nurturing love growing up. But I've also been avoidant in certain relationships. So I think we can oscillate back and forth and it, our personality is more flexible than we think. Now let's share, let me share with you the steps to take. Now, if you're an anxious, the steps that I believe you can take to really heal, and there's gonna be a very powerful process that I recommend for both, no matter what you are, is to nurture yourself, give yourself the emotions and become more independent, fill up your own cup and focus on really giving, nurturing yourself more. I went through a yin phase like 3 months ago where I was going to the creek every day in Sedona and I was like doing things like massaging myself and, and, and doing, you know, I was eating, I was on a diet before that, like I was cutting and then I just let go and I was just like filling up my own cup, giving myself the feminine energy that I craved growing up that I don't feel like I received completely. And by doing that, I started to feel whole and complete. And then a lot of my masculine to more so step, it's funny how that feminine masculine polarity works, but it ended up healing in many different ways. And one of the ways you do this, you start to question your beliefs that you're not worthy. Question the things that happened when you were a child and realize they were just things that happened. And then secondly, for the avoidant, and then I'll give you guys all, anyone that's listening to us, a process that is so powerful. Avoidant, the key is to focus more on vulnerability and on trusting and feeling safe within yourself. Remember, everything's a reflection. So yes, we had certain childhood reference experiences that had us either pull close push away, but the key is realizing that the, I mean, the cure is to the anxious is to more so understand independence. There's something to be learned from the avoidant, not necessarily the negative qualities. And the same thing for the anxious, the avoidant doesn't wanna learn how to be anxious, but the idea is how to get more intimate for the avoidant and how to become more independent for the anxious. So the avoidant would benefit from being more vulnerable with themselves, being more honest with themselves, Being more vulnerable with family, starting to trust the own inner guidance system, trusting the flow of life, trusting the masculine and the feminine within because we all have both masculine and feminine energy. And then what we do is the secure, this is what you do. You just do you, boo boo. That's it. You good. And just to focus on, you know, being given and receiving love, doing that. You know, here's the funny thing. Most secure are, This is the idea that it talks about in the book. Most secure are taken, they're in long relationships. Avoidance, there's more avoidant people than anything else because avoidants like to be independent. They like to be single and they're quick to like be with someone and not be with someone. They're always searching for the one. So they have such high standards and they turn down love because they're gonna find that one day. The anxious though, then is also, so the anxious is attracted to the avoidant, the avoidant does not attract other avoidants. Anxious can attract anxious, but sometimes it just becomes like this quick fling type thing. And then yeah, there's, there's all 3 of these. I don't want to get in the limiting beliefs that there's no secure out there, but the key is to become secure yourself to attract somebody else's secure. So to do the inner work. Now the most powerful process that I can share with you is to do what I believe is a childhood healing meditation. What you do is you do a meditation And if you guys want me to create this, let me know, like my own version of it. But imagine, go back into your childhood and realize there's a little child inside of you right now that is still unhealed from your childhood. I look at myself, there was a version of me that craved love, that didn't feel nurtured, didn't have consistent love, felt like I didn't deserve love. And there's a version of Aaron that's maybe 4 years old. And if I go into meditation, I go to that Aaron that's 4 years old and I say, Aaron, It's okay. And I love that version of me. I give that version of me a hug and I tell him it's okay. And that meditation, I can literally have a dialogue and listen to that Aaron and communicate and literally have this connection with it. And as I do so, and as I love that version of me, as I accept that version of me, as I listen to that version of me, guess what? I began to heal and I began to feel worthy, whole, and loved. And complete. And then for the avoidant, it's the same thing. Go to that childhood self. Maybe you were 6 or 7 years old. A lot of avoidance, I think, may have come from having parents that were divorced because then they maybe didn't trust their parent or maybe they were emotionally manipulated and that caused them to then associate intimacy and closeness with pain. But imagine going to your 7-year-old self when your parents divorced or something like that. I was like 5. And giving that version of you love and tell them, hey, it's okay, it's safe, you're okay, and listening to them and their fears and what they're worried about and get close with that child self. You see, this is the, this is the healing work that you can do. And as you do, you're healing your own inner child. We don't listen to our inner child enough and we don't give our inner child what they crave. If you'd give yourself the nurturing or the safety and the trust, you'll find that you begin to heal. And as you begin to heal, guess what? You're gonna attract more secure love into your life. You're gonna become more secure. The number one cockblock to attracting love is this one thing that when you remove, you allow love to flow into your life unlike anything you've experienced before. What I share with you in this video is something that took me years to learn, and the soon as I made this switch, my whole entire life changed. I started seeing things, new opportunities that I never saw before. Also, I started to feel completely different about myself because I got to the root of what was really blocking love from being magnetized into my life. And in this video, I'm going to show you exactly what that is, how to remove it, and how to open up the floodgates to that love. Now in this video, I'm gonna be sharing with you the numero uno cockblock that is blocking you. Cockblock. I don't know if that's gonna work for the YouTube algorithm, saying that word cockblock. But guess what? When you remove that cockblock, guess what's gonna happen? You're gonna allow love in your life easier than ever. I became aware of this just a couple weeks ago. The story that I had, the narrative I had around love was mainly based from childhood trauma. Now understand, a lot of times when we go through childhood, not even trauma necessarily from childhood, in a way some of it was, but the attachment style we have and the way we view love in general is normally playing itself out based on familiar patterns we had when we were a kid. So what we'll say is when we experience a deep connection with somebody, normally it's a familiar connection if we haven't healed the shadow wounds from when we were a kid. So when I was growing up, I felt a certain level of emotional abandonment because my parents were going through a lot. They were at their certain level of growth, like most of our parents are. So it's not necessarily their fault, but I was feeling like this yearning for emotional availability. And because I didn't get it in the way I felt I needed, I then felt like I wasn't worthy. I felt like there was something wrong with me. And what happened is then going through life, there was a certain level of shame that I had. Shame, the thing about shame is that shame says there's something wrong with me. Guilt is a good person that did something bad that they feel guilty about. Guilt is action-based, whereas shame is identity-based. So I had this belief and there was this people pleaser mentality that was born that I had to then shed. I shed that about a year ago. People pleasing, meaning I'm doing things to mitigate tension towards other people. This people approval thing that then depolarizes masculine polarity. It's not authentic. And I was then changing myself so that I could then make other people happy, which means I wasn't grounded in who I really am. I wasn't being as authentic. But the reason I was changing myself is because of the initial premise that there's something wrong with me. There is a level of shame there that then I would carry into relationships. And one of the biggest epiphanies too is that I would attract people into my life that were emotionally unavailable so that I could try to fix them. Because the idea is that if I can fix this person, then maybe they'll love me. If I can fix somebody, it's like playing the childhood dynamic again, where if I could fix mom or dad and get them to, to love me, then everything will be okay. The problem is that then it's externally focused and you can't really fix anybody. So if I wanted to change that pattern and I wanted to allow the floodgates of love opportunities in, what I had to do is I had to recognize that truth. The truth is I believe there's a level of shame there where I'm not good enough. I don't deserve something specific like something nurturing and loving. And I had to let go of that shame. I had to let go of that identity. I had to realize this one thing. It was never about me. You see, as kids, we think everything is about ourselves. If our parents divorce, it's because of us. If a parent is abusing us, it's because there's something inherently wrong with us. And when we carry that with us, we then allow ourselves into relationships that lack boundaries. That's why you see a lot of empaths attract narcissists, because narcissists say, "I will take what I want. I will demand and control." Empaths have no boundaries and have no limits, so they will say, "I will please." at all expense so that I can get validation and love and it becomes this trauma bond. But what happens is the reason it doesn't end really, it ends up like dragging out a lot longer is because the empaths will tolerate it. They believe they deserve that kind of experience because it's familiar from childhood. So the biggest thing that's going to block you from attracting love into your life is your own self-image and how you relate to love when it comes to shame. You have to release shame and you have to know you're worthy. Your worth may mean developing your frame. It may mean saying no to things you don't wanna do. It may mean leading in your life in a new way. It may mean doing a meditation where you separate yourself from a candle flame. That's called the frame technique. It is extraordinarily powerful for creating magnetic boundaries. I have a whole entire free training on it that you can listen to if you go to aarondoughty.com/frame. Www.aaron.doughty.com/frame, F-R-A-M-E. I'll link it down below. It's an hour-long activation where we energetically do that and you learn the frame technique for creating boundaries, magnetic energy, and it is extraordinarily powerful. I've been doing that meditation for about 4 or 5 months now. It's completely transformed my life and it's so simple. But feeling the separation helps you then feel safe in your own body. When you're safe in your own body, you're attractive. So this is about that, those levels of awareness with those different things. You know, there's a meditation that I have as well that is the most powerful or it's the most popular meditation on my channel. It's got over 4 million views, thousands of people saying that they attracted love from listening to that meditation for 21 days.

Why?

Because then you're activating the internal love inside of yourself and you're seeing yourself, you're seeing it as natural for you to be in a loving relationship. You're seeing it as natural for you to love yourself. Really attracting love is about feeling love for yourself because people feel what you feel. The more in love with yourself you become, the better. Now, this doesn't mean narcissism, and the empath's not gonna become narcissistic. Narcissism is a toxic form of self-love, but it's not really self-love. There is something called healthy narcissism, and that's what the empath needs to learn, and that's where you learn your own self-confidence. It means you have to be rooted in the self. Self-love is rooted in the self. The self is where you become aware of the separation between you and the candle flame, you and your mom, you and your dad, you and your— person you're dating. And then you let go of the neediness, the codependent behaviors that may be there from childhood where you're trying to fix someone or you're trying to like attach yourself to someone else to get their validation, love, or approval. You have to separate yourself from that and feel the love of self. There's a tribe, I was reading about this the other day. This is a, and by the way, that meditation, click below, commit to that, read the comments to see 'cause that will increase the belief for you attracting love. You read the comments to see all these people that say they attracted love listening to that meditation. It increases the belief in you. And then you do it for 21 days. You feel that love on the inside and you'll see what happens. So you'll see that below as well. There's a tribe, I was reading about this. There was a tribe and in tribes they have these little initiations that people go through and initiations help people to really change their identity. There was this one girl though that in this tribe, this guy goes and sees this one girl and she's like 19 years old and she's got the most beautiful magnetic energy and she's so happy and she has this horrible burn mark on her face, like burns all around her face. And the guy asked, one of the other tribes members was like, "She's got such a magnetic energy. What is it about her? What happened to her face?" And the tribe said when she was 13 years old, Her mom poured, her mom sprayed boiling water on her face out of rage. And you think to yourself, wow, how did she transcend that? Well, what they did is in the tribes, they had every single person in the tribe circle around this young girl and tell her, this was not because of you. This is not your fault. This has nothing to do with you. And what happened is she did not internalize that as shame. Or as a part of her self-worthiness. She did not feel any less than. It had nothing to do with her. Your parents' emotional availability or lack of emotional availability or physical presence or lack of presence in general had nothing to do with you, nothing. It was to do with them and what they're going through. When you realize that, you realize, wait, I am worthy. I am worthy of love. I'm worthy of loving myself. There's nothing wrong with me. When you reduce that shame, when you let go of that, you will then start to feel worthy. You will then start to recognize your own value. You will start to be rooted in yourself. And as you're rooted in yourself, you will have a magnetic quality that changes everything.

We create this imprint of what we understand masculine and feminine relationship to look like.

Okay.

From our relationship between our parents and also from our from watching our parents' relationship with each other and then our relationship with our individual parents, you know.

Welcome back to another episode on Into the Vortex with Aaron Doughty.

Love the name.

And it's kind of suiting. I'm here with my good buddy and relationship coach, empowerment coach for women, Matt Schaefer.

What's up, guys? So happy to be here.

Yeah, I'm excited to have you on. So cool. We are in Tulum, Mexico right now at— on your— in your Airbnb, and it is freaking amazing. There's like an amazing view back here. And yeah, this is like— how magical has Tulum been for you so far?

It's honestly— I look at Tulum and I'm like, Tulum is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I was like, I'm looking around to him and I'm like, this is literally heaven on earth. Like, what an incredible scene. I mean, it's paradise, truly.

It really is. Yeah, there's the, the, the ocean divide. There's like almost a certain aesthetic aesthetic here, you know, like even just like the clothes that we did and stuff like that. Yeah, you got your clothes. Oh yeah, shopping yesterday and stuff.

And got the hat, gotta have— gotta get the hat too.

Yeah, we got hats. Yeah, mine's there, yours is there.

The hipster sombrero. You gotta have a hipster sombrero.

There's definitely a vibe out here and the energy out here, it's almost like, um, you know, like Sedona to me as like a vortex energy. I know you've been to Sedona many times and that's where, you know, moving my pretty much my whole ship to Sedona.

Yeah.

And then to me, Tulum is like another big vortex, you know, that you come to, to like elevate your vibration and stuff like that.

Well, because it naturally has a higher vibration point.

Yeah.

Then like a lot of other places— I grew up on the beach, right, in Florida, but the vibration on the beach here is on a completely different level than where I grew up, you know.

Yeah. I wonder why. Do you think maybe— I wonder if it's maybe like the Mayans.

I think it's that Mayan, that Mayan stamp, right? The energetic stamp that exists here because we're surrounded by ruins.

Right, right.

It's just there's this ancient sort of energy here that you feel it. It permeates, it permeates everything.

And it's— I think it's the same thing in Sedona because Sedona has like a lot of Native Americans. And apparently in Sedona they used to do a lot of plant medicine there. Mm-hmm. What I heard, it was like that was a place they, they went for that with the tribes and stuff. And that's why that energy that is there. And if you think about like a location has the energy of the civilizations that have been there before, the people.

Yeah, yeah. And I think, I think that really like a lot of times vibration comes down to people. Yeah, you know, so generationally, if it got— if it has a high vibe imprint, more high vibe people are gonna be drawn to that place. Why Sedona continues to attract high vibe people, very high vibe people, and here, in here as well, you know.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, same thing. And I think that now more than ever, because there's so much— one of the reasons we left, you know, we came here is to kind of get away from the craziness going on. Yeah, as well, and get into like a different energy. And right from driving in, like when we got here today, we're here for a week, we We got here 2 days ago and we were driving into Loom. I could just feel like the resistance. And it's actually, ironically enough, you know, we talked last night, it's been bringing up stuff for me too. It's like my shadow and like anytime we're around high vibration stuff, I find that it brings stuff kind of up. And you actually have an interesting, you know, and first off, just to preface this episode in general, the thing, you know, one of the main things we're gonna be talking about today are core beliefs. I know a lot of the work you do with the women that you, you help has to do with core beliefs around love and relationships.

Exactly.

Is that, is that right?

I absolutely love it, you know. I mean, I work with women like all over the world around this stuff because truly, like, beliefs and identity are core parts of relationships working or not working, you know. And we can only connect with other people to the extent that we're connected to and understand ourselves.

Wow.

And so, so much of the work I do with women is around you know, their inner world and their way that they perceive themselves. And that's all wrapped up in your beliefs, you know. So that's, that's, that's, that's the core of what I did.

As women change their beliefs, they then change what they can allow or not allow into their life.

Yeah. What unlocks possibility.

Yes.

You know, as, as you work on your beliefs and how you see yourself and how you perceive what's possible for you, you know, more things open up. You know, the universe conspires in your favor truly as, as you start to shift your understanding of what you're worthy of, who you are, and you release often those old patterns and those old paradigms that were conditioned into you from your childhood and then throughout your, you know, relationship history that you had flowing out of that.

Wow.

Yeah, you know, yep.

And, and I think the interesting thing that we're going to get into eventually as well is attachment styles. I've been talking on my channel a lot about attachment styles. Oh yeah, we got the anxious attachment, the avoidant attachment, the secure attachment, and That's something that I've made some videos about and talked about on the channel, but it'll be cool for us to kind of go back and forth. And I'd love to hear some of your perspectives on that.

I talk about it all day to my community and honestly with my clients and even with myself, you know, because I had to transition myself from anxious to secure through doing inner work. And that was really cool because I think a lot of people think their attachment style is a fixed static.

I know. Yeah, that, that's an interesting thing because I felt, I felt that my attachment style has kind of changed. As I change.

Exactly, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of it, all of it's flexible. Your identity is, is flexible. You talk a lot about that, that your identity is fluid, our beliefs are fluid, and our attachment style. You know, I don't recommend that people intentionally try to change their attachment style because then you're sort of like trying to manipulate. If you're anxious attachment style and you're like, I'm gonna be secure, and you like get— go after it with that same sort of energy, you're not going to get there. But if you just do inner work as you heal, at least those beliefs— release the beliefs that are associated with your anxious attachment style, which often flows from trauma, you know, eventually you just find yourself naturally magnetizing towards secure attachment style, which is just really cool how you just shift.

That's awesome. I'm glad you said that too, because I think sometimes what we do is we might try to change and become more secure or even avoid it. Maybe we're tired of being anxious.

Oh yeah.

And to attract somebody, we're like, oh, 'cause what do they teach in like the pickup industry, for example? Like when guys are learning how to pick up chicks. Yeah. Sometimes what they do—

Neg them. You gotta neg them.

For those of you that don't know, negging means, what you do is, You go up to a chick, or he's a recovering pickup artist, is how he knows all this stuff. But what they do is they go—

is there's books about it.

Oh yeah. What they do is they, they make, you know, a woman that normally probably has men coming up to her all the time, what they do is they neg her. So they— he would say something to her that makes her feel less than good. Yeah. So that then her self-esteem goes down and no other guy treats her like that.

Yes.

So then she puts him on a pedestal.

Differentiator. Yeah.

And really what that's doing is it's activating childhood wounds. Yeah.

It's just triggering her insecurity. It's destabilizing her identity, you know.

And so the identity that many people see her as and put her on a pedestal.

Exactly. It's a conscious, it's a conscious manipulation. Or the, the alternative strategy they use is they will, you know, identify the target, right? And then instead of talking to her, they'll talk to her friend and intentionally ignore her, which also, you know, does the same effect. It's meant to activate wounds.

A form of manipulation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other side of that, just because I mean I work with women, right? Yeah. There's so many— there's so many coaches out there that, that specifically preach nothing but leaning back. Like, if you're a woman, all you want to do is lean back, lean back, don't show too much, don't give them too much, you know? Like, keep withholding attention from that, from the masculine. And that, that creates the same thing.

That brings the guys to be anxious.

It creates guys to be anxious. It makes guys insecure. And, and guys make up this narrative, right, that women aren't interested because— or approachable. And so women oftentimes they lean back so far that they put themselves on an island.

Wow.

And then the worst thing about that is, is that when you lean back so far that you're unapproachable, all the nice guys, all the, you know, like maybe a little bit insecure but good character men are not going to approach you. The only guys that are going to be willing to breach the wall and go to your island are the narcissists, the hyperconfident guys, the hunters who are there because they're playing a numbers game.

Right?

And they're just gonna talk to— and they don't care about getting rejected because they're just trying to put a notch in their bedpost, you know what I'm saying? And then those women create a story, oh, well, I keep leaning back, but all the guys I attract are, you know, assholes or whatever. And it's like, well, yeah, because you have cut yourself off. You're no longer open to connection. And that's like— it just reinforces that same paradigm.

Wow.

So it accomplishes the opposite result.

So in a minute, what I want us to talk about is— perfect, thank you for sharing that. That's cool, dude. We'll talk about, um, like the patterns, like attracting similar patterns. But first off, there's this one thing in the back of my mind I want to talk about first, and you kind of know about it, but you told me a story. You know, we've hung out quite a bit now. Yeah, got to know each other, which has been awesome. And you told me a story about you learning under a spiritual teacher or something like that, and you had this mystical experience. Yeah, that then completely transformed your life. And I kind of wanted to go down that for a minute, if you kind of tell the story of that and what happened with that, because I I think that it is— I thought it was actually really cool, and I've never had a spiritual experience necessarily like that. Yeah, but I can tell, you know, I can see that your life has changed so much since whenever that was. I didn't know you, but I can just tell that you're at a really good level. You're successful, you do what you love, you're helping people in a similar way that I'm helping people. So what was that story? How did that come about?

I mean, what was interesting, because it happened at a phase of my life where I had been an attorney and You know, I had owned a restaurant. I had done a lot of it. Pita Pit, Pita Pit, San Diego State. If you went to San Diego State between the years of 2010 and 2015, I may have rolled your pita. I probably did. Or I had one of my—

it was—

oh, my pizzas were the best pizzas, bro. Like, I was a master. The owner always makes the best food.

Don't mess around.

But no, I had— I had my own pita named after my dog. It was called the Bosco. I was very proud of it, you know. And so, yeah, I mean, I did these two huge careers and At the end of the day, I found myself deeply unhappy and sort of unsure how I had gotten to this place in my life, you know. And so I was, I was at that point, you know, my restaurant sort of just like, and not, not doing so great. And I'm just leasing luxury apartments to people and just sort of like, what's my next step? Trying to figure it out. And I got in this woman, this, this, this, this older woman came in to rent an apartment from me and she looked at me and she was like, there's someone I think you need to meet. And we'd only talked about apartments and I'm like, who is he? And she's like, oh, it doesn't matter. You know, but he's an energy healer and I think that it's important that you meet him. And I'm just like, whatever. I don't have any plans tonight. Like, and if anything, this will just be a good story. I had no spiritual practice at the time. You know, I just— I had watched my dad meditate. I understood and I liked meditation and everything, but I had no spirituality at the time. I was honestly just really unhappy with like where I was at. And I went to— and so I went to this, you know, meditation and it was a standing meditation and this guy was doing hands-on work. With people, and he was coming around the circle towards me. And every time he would touch somebody, they would just like melt into his hands. And I'm like, what's— what is this? What sort of weird culty thing is this? Like, all my judgment, all my ego came up, you know? And I'm like, it's not going to work. This is dumb. Like, why am I here? You know? And then he put his hands on the small of my back and I felt this electric charge go up the back of my spine to the back of my head. And I had my eyes closed at the time and it was all red, right? And this counterclockwise vortex starts spinning in the center, like right in my third eye. You know, and I'm like, oh my God, what is happening? And then all of a sudden it was like this beam of like invisible light like hit me from above and immersed my entire body and my skin just started like electrifying and goosebumps and everything. And the sensation I felt in that moment was overwhelmingly, you know, new and also intensely familiar. It was like that feeling you feel when you listen to your favorite song and you're like, oh my 'God, this song speaks to my soul.' It was like that sensation, like to an exponent of 10.

Yeah.

And it was like— so it was like me, it was like my truth, it was my energy just flowing through me like a waterfall. And I felt myself as like a wave in the ocean, like I felt myself as like a divine echo of the collective consciousness for the first time clearly in my entire life. And I just burst into tears.

Wow.

And then he took his hand off me. It's only 5 seconds while he was touching me. He took his hand off me and and the feeling got 10 times more intense and I realized it wasn't him, it was me. It was me as an extension of cosmic consciousness and I was just like so humbled and blown away.

When was this? What year was this?

Gosh, this was 2015.

Okay.

This was like beginning January 2015, like right around that time where I just was, and from that moment on, my life took just a radical left turn because I realized, that, you know, the, the divine and the physical, you know, are existing concurrently. You know, like, like, divine and the physical are both existing concurrently around us right now. Yeah, you know, like 4D and 5D exist, like, synonymous with 3D if you're open to it and if you're—

what do you think he was doing when he got the— when he touched you on your back? Yeah, and the energy in this vortex opened up and Was he aligning your system or—

well, how he explained it, he didn't explain it. I mean, what I understand now to have happened is I experienced like a full-blown Kundalini awakening, like in the course of like 10 seconds.

So this is like what some people call Shakti, or what is that like where somebody— you ever see somebody like they talk about the Indian gurus that like go over to someone and they touch them on their third eye and then it's like their third eye is open?

Yeah, I mean, that's my understanding of what I experienced having researched it afterwards. But I asked him at the time, I'm like, bro, what did you do to me? Because he was doing a Q&A afterwards. And he's like, he's like, just— and he was like a normal dude, you know. He was just like, just think of me like a plumber, man. He's like, I touch your back and I see all your energy pipes, you know, and I see where you've got blocks or things that are clogging you up. And all I do is I just clear pipes. And when I clear your pipes, your energy flows through you fully. And, you know, you reconnect with your, with your true self. And I'm like, wow, what a, what a profound— what a profound and simple way of describing it. Like, you know, And then, but then the crazy part was then for the next 3 months, my entire life blew up.

So what happened?

Yeah, well, I had what's called a divine storm. I don't know if you've, if you've heard about that or if you all have heard about that, but, you know, part of, part of spiritual awakening is, you know, the ego death and oftentimes the collapse, right, of all the old things that you were attached to. And so I went through a 2.5-month divine storm where in less than 3 months, from the moment he touched me, I had a legit near-death experience. Saved 2 people's lives in 2 independent events, shut down my restaurant, filed for bankruptcy, got kicked out of my house, and got fired from my job.

Wow.

My entire life, everything that I identified with myself with blew up. Wow. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But in the middle of it, I legit thought I was gonna die, you know, because I was like—

because the I that you were, which was the ego, was dying.

It was.

Did he— did you ever ask him later on, like, hey, why did my whole entire life—

I asked him in the middle of it. In the middle of it. I went to another— a month into it, I think I had had my near-death experience where I was rear-ended by some dude going over 100 miles an hour on an empty road while I was going 70.

Yeah.

You know, and we both walked away without a scratch.

Yeah.

Which was like unheard of. Yeah. You know, about a month into it, you know, I went to this guy and I'm like, you know, everything in my life is falling apart. Like, why is this happening? Am I going to die? And he's like, Matt, like, you're here for a higher purpose, and everything that your life was built on up until that moment where I shifted you was built on a faulty foundation. It was built on this distorted understanding of who you were. And so as soon as I cleared up that energy for you, everything that was connected to that had to fall away so that you could ascend to where you're meant to be and where you're going. And I'm like, where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? And he's like, I can't tell you that, you know. He basically— he's like, you can't tell somebody, you know, where they're going because if you do that, it changes their time, changes their timeline. And it also gets them, you know, all their ego and all their fear and stuff will come up around that and oftentimes derail their ability to, to get there. But, you know, and I trust— but I just trusted that, you know. And I think that's been the biggest thing that's guided me in this complete journey off of the traditional path of my life. And I'm sure a lot of y'all out there can can connect with this, right? It's just trusting in the process, trusting in yourself. Yeah, you know, and just, just trusting that wherever you're going is perfect because the present moment is perfect.

If you want to learn the 5 secrets to letting go that will make you attractive AF, that's this video right here. Highly recommend that you watch it because it'll help you with what you learned in this video. Why we are blocking love from coming into our life— it comes down to the energy that we are embodying. And if we are