The Co-Dependent CURE To NEVER Being Needy Again In Love, Relationships & LIFE

In this episode, I'm gonna be showing you the cure to codependency, how to never be needy again. I'm gonna share with you also my journey through this process, what I've learned about the inner child, how you can heal this process, how you can be in your own frame. This also is directly related as well to setting boundaries. A lot of codependents have trouble setting boundaries. It all changes when you start doing the inner work. I was talking to a friend last night and we were, she was telling me about how much, she was talking to me about how she was watching an older YouTube video of mine. And she noticed how much my energy has changed since that video. That video was like a year, year and a half ago. Was interesting because I looked, I thought it was a certain video that I thought about taking down actually, but it was very apparent that the version I am now is completely different than the version I used to be. Now I'm gonna say something that I think is a little bit vulnerable in a way, but it's just something that I've recognized from my own life in general up until now, up until a couple months ago when I started changing my energy and I did the inner work. Is I had this pattern where I would attract certain people based on, I guess, okay, I don't want this to sound mean or, you know, this isn't like all the people that are subscribed to me, this is the energy, but just in general, I had a couple situations that were very weird. Now, when I say this, I mean, I one time went to the gym and this has actually happened many times where I go to a gym, somebody recognizes me from my videos, and then they just start, you know, they thoroughly believe that they're my soulmate. They thoroughly believe they're my twin flame or something. And I talk to them, have a nice interaction, and then I go back to my workout or whatever. And then I get like DMs or I get like this crazy influx. And then I see this person again and it's some kind of weird situation where I can tell they're like, having this like fantasy in their mind or something like that. But this one situation, I went to San Diego with a friend of mine and my friend Matt. We go to San Diego gym. We find this gym in San Diego that's open, which there's not many gyms that are open. We find this gym that's open where you're able to work out because a lot of gyms were closed at that time. And he didn't know this, but there's this like rule where If I were to geotag, I'm not saying it needs to be cocky or so you look and you're like, oh, Aaron's just trying to be cool. No, I'm just, this is just the reality. So if I were to post where I'm at and geotag somewhere while I'm there, there's times people just show up. When I was in Tulum, that happened. And then eventually I'm like, okay, there's a rule. I don't, if I just want to eat dinner or if I just want to go to the gym and I don't want to like, you know, have interactions and, bust up the flow of what I'm doing, then I don't post where I'm at. Well, Matt didn't know this. So what Matt does is Matt posts that we're at this gym about 15 minutes after we got there. And 10 minutes later after he posted that, some person shows up. And this person shows up and comes up to me while I'm in the middle of a leg workout. I'm doing Bulgarian split squats. And she comes up and it was just this interaction where she really, she just, I don't know. It was an interesting thing. I think she thought we were like in a, like she thought I'd been talking through my Instagram stories to her or like speaking directly to her. So when she came up to me, she thought I knew who she was. I had no idea who she was. Never sent one DM message, never seen her anything. It was a 15-minute conversation where I was in a way trying to be nice and trying to say, okay, I need to work out because I could tell there was just not an understanding there where it's like she thought that, I don't know, she expected something from me. I don't know what it was. But basically what happened was she drove 2 hours south from LA to San Diego and then waited for one of us to post where we were and then showed up. That to me was very interesting, to say the least. Now, when that happened, Matt, I told Matt, you know, hey dude, you never post like this again. You could post after we're there or something like that. But you know, just so that situations like that don't happen because we actually were, you know, we didn't, even after she left and I had to be very thorough and I had to have strong boundaries with this, I literally said, You gotta leave. I had to say that. And the prior version of me would've never actually said that. It would've been extremely nice. Now I don't want you to think that if you see me in public, I'm gonna be a dick or anything like that. This was a very unique situation where imagine you come say hi and then you like want me to give you something or to like talk to you or to like hang out with you and go somewhere. And I'm like trying to just work out and I had like plans that day. Do you see what I mean? Like it was expecting something from me that was beyond my ability to want to give. Crossing my boundary. And I wasn't cool with it. So long story short, I realized that I've had this same scenario happen 3 to 5 times before where somebody is convinced, and this person was convinced I was their twin flame soulmate. It's happened many times. And then I start asking myself, what am I doing? What is in my energy field that attracts in people that literally believe that this is the case, that we are some type of twin flame or soulmate. In a way, someone that's codependent, that's dependent on me. And what I realized is that in a way energetically, because of the energy that I was putting out, and especially 'cause there's lots of YouTube videos of that old energy, I was attracting people that were codependent, that were depending on my energy, even if I never met them before, because there was an aspect of my consciousness that was codependent I was codependent as well. That codependency, I believe, was like almost a codependency that I felt towards the significance of being on YouTube and putting information out there. How vulnerable can I get? And I like being vulnerable because I think that it helps. It's a way for me to kind of like express myself, but also it's just very authentic, I think. And I think many of you that listen to me may feel that I'm very authentic when I share the stuff that I share. And it's because I'm being vulnerable. I'm sharing some parts of my life that I think a lot of other people that do what I do may not share. I'm trying to like break through the shadow and the barrier just to like also help you look at your own shadow, your own barrier. I think the degree to which I grow is gonna be the degree to which I can help people see their own shadow and stuff like that. So being vulnerable is like a powerful thing. But a part of that is that then people start to like almost identify or become dependent on my vulnerable energy, or they then feel like they really, really know me. That was a reflection of having people and realizing that there were a lot of codependent people relying on me. And some of my audience may be like that. And I'm here to say that, you know, not all of you are like that, but if you are, it's about knowing that I am not a guru. I am not some like spiritual master that has ninja level Yoda skills 5,000 that you don't have. You have all these abilities. I'm somebody that's looking at my shadow, that's doing the inner work. And that in a way has just committed to this process so I can help you based on what I've been through, but not to externalize the energy and then give it to me. So in this episode, I think it's gonna be very relevant to anybody that may feel somewhat of a codependency or somewhat of a neediness. I used to be very needy, not very needy, but in a, covertly needy in relationships. And that was when my masculine energy was also depolarized. So in past relationships, I'm gonna talk about the core of where this comes from. I'm gonna share with you how I healed it within myself, how you can heal it within yourself. But this is about generally understanding that if you feel codependent, there's a reason you're codependent. And we're gonna look at the root of that so that you can heal it. Now, what does codependent mean? Or what does being needy mean? Well, are you someone in relationships that when you start talking to somebody, you start thinking about them a lot? And then it becomes a game of will they respond to you? Will they give you validation? And in a way, you're looking for some type of validation from somebody that maybe you're starting to date or you're in a relationship with, or maybe you're in a relationship and you realize that you require or need, you become very anxiously attached to your partner. And you fear that maybe that partner will leave you. So then you start changing yourself. A lot of people that may be needy are people pleasers, which means they will give up a part of themselves, what's authentic for themselves, in exchange for other people's validation, in exchange that people don't reject them. People pleasers and nice guys, this is a huge shadow. When I look at my own life, I've realized that in a way I have a part of myself that is a more aggressive or assertive person. That is a part of my personality and has been a part of my personality. And I think it's because I saw that my dad was such a nice guy, but he didn't always get what he wanted. He got taken advantage of by my ex-stepmom, who's a narcissist. My dad divorced her. He's still dealing with the BS with that, but he let somebody else have the frame and hold the frame for a long time. And maybe he felt safe in that frame. So he also was a very, he still is to this day, a very, very nice guy. Now the shadow of that is a nice guy isn't necessarily authentic. A nice guy is willing and just wants to, in a way, not cause tension in people, not be blunt, and wants the validation, the approval, and the nice. He wants to do the right thing in their eyes. Now I, in a way, had this conflict inside of me because for a long time I have this assertive, you know, I have a successful business. I have a great work ethic, but some of that was rooted in that of an almost a desire, almost like not feeling worthy. So it's like, if I can get all these subscribers, if I can become very successful, I'll prove people wrong that didn't believe in me. And then I'll have made it. But now I realize that I'm worthy just for being me. Not only that, I've become very aware of this nice guy shadow. I've actually had to develop compassion for the prior version of me, which was more nice because I was being very judgmental towards myself and even towards other nice guys for a while. You know, there's like different stages you may move through when you're going through some type of transformation or just something in general. And the first part of it was like, I became angry at my past self. Like, look how long you were acting like that. And it was an act. It wasn't authentic. In relationships, I would like be willing to like give as much as I possibly could to keep the person around. And I found that that was not authentic. It was something I was doing in exchange for validation and something I was doing in exchange for some type of approval. So even in my own life, there are certain people in my life that I would find myself in other people's frame who had strong frames because Maybe that felt similar to my childhood with my ex-stepmom. She had a very strong frame. So what I would then do is, you know, it's funny, I was talking to this guy the other day that works on my house. He's awesome. He does very good work. And he does, you know, he's been doing stuff at my house for a while, but he is a traditional nice guy, very similar to my dad's energy. And I had an hour-long talk with him the other day in my garage. He was hanging up some mirrors. And I was telling him about, you know, he's interested in like the stuff I talk about. And he was telling me about, he's inspired because he noticed how much my energy had changed from back in like 4 months ago when he was working on the house that I was at. I was living in a different house with some friends and then I bought my own house. Now before that, he said it was very interesting because I would talk to him. I had a very individualistic type nature. I was very much centered in my own frame. But then when I would get around other friends, I would turn into like a yes man. Yes man, and I would completely like, in a way, give away my power. And he said it was very interesting for him to see that. He'd always kind of wonder like, why is he acting this way around me, very strong? And then when he's around these other friends, he starts turning into like this like yes man, nice guy, people pleaser. And what he said is he's inspired because now he's seen me go through that transformation in only the last 4 or 5 months, and he knows now it's possible for him. But a lot of what I was talking about with him, and he was telling me, he's like, he has an ex-wife who he's still really, he's still good friends with, and they have a kid together. But he was realizing that now he's doing this passive aggressive thing with her where what he's doing is she now is pregnant with her boyfriend's kid. And now that that happened, he has like this inner aggression because he still hasn't let go of her. Even though it's been years. And what happens is this ex-wife or the ex-girlfriend, I don't know if it was ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, ex-girlfriend would always have him around. He'd come around to fix things. He'd like be there at his disposal. And I can tell that this guy has this ability. He works at a car shop, but he's like a handyman and he could totally do this full-time. And I'm telling him, dude, you have to commit to, I don't have to do anything, but you have to commit to this new thing if you realize that this old job that you worked at, you don't really enjoy. And here's the thing with him too. He's working at this car shop. And what happens is he's the number one person there. He does everything and everyone knows they can rely on him. And he's been there for years and he's tired of it. Doesn't want to be there anymore, but he feels obligated to be there because everyone relies on him. But then again, he is not passionate about it and he doesn't make as much money doing that than he does with his handyman stuff and working on houses. So I was telling him, dude, I had to eventually make the jump, bro. You make the jump. His working at the car shop has been in the way of him working on my house, which he makes more money doing. I'm like, dude, I could send you people. I have friends that are buying houses in Sedona. I could send you people. You will have business. Make the jump. Instead, he's doing it like after weird hours and stuff. He still does it, but he's not able to really commit to it. The reason he's afraid to commit to it because he doesn't believe in himself because of the story he tells himself because he at one point owned a tanning salon like 5, 10 years ago and it failed. So now he's got this block in his mind. I can't do this because if I do, I will fail like I did with that tanning bed place. And I'm like, dude, this is totally different. You're so good at this. You're so good at fixing things in houses and doing reconstruction and stuff. And you've made just on me in the last like 4 months, he's made $36,000 in 2 months since January or what are we in now? March, but pretty much 2 months of work. That's like, dude, you could be doing this with a couple different people and be making more than you were at the car shop. But he's like afraid to step out of the comfort of where he is at, even though he doesn't enjoy it because everyone relies on him and he doesn't wanna let anyone down, even though he fucking hates it. And he's not moving into what he's actually passionate about where he would actually have, you know, he'd start believing in himself again. He'd start leading again. And because he in a way is doing everything he can to be nice towards his ex, he even told me, my ex, I got her a Traeger for something. I'm like, dude, that's just typical nice guy shit. Buy really nice things for your ex. You know what I mean? And her ex has a boyfriend. So now that they're having a kid, he started becoming passive aggressive. I said, bro, you need to be honest. And I'm not saying you need to do shit. You can do whatever the hell you want. But what I was telling him is that's not authentic for you to be passive aggressive. What's authentic is for you to say how you feel. If you don't want to continue to do this stuff, that she wants you to do. And she's so used to having you, like using you to do all this stuff. Then tell her, listen, I had a crush on you. I was attracted to you. Even at, you know, you could determine how honest you are, but there's a radical honesty that can be very powerful. If he were to say, listen, I still had feelings for you. I hadn't really let you go. Now what I'm realizing is now that you're having a kid, I'm realizing what I, you know, not with me, I'm realizing that I've been overextending myself for years with you and it doesn't feel good because I'm not able to fill up my own cup. So if I feel like helping you, I will, but if I don't, I won't. So now I'm just gonna be authentic to what I wanna do. That'd be very powerful for him to do. It would shock the shit out of the people that knows him. But if he were to like go into his job and be like, you know what? I demand a raise because I'm the, I'm like, dude, he's bringing in so much money into the shop, but he's getting paid as if everybody else. That's nice guy shit. That's the thing. Nice guys don't get promotions. Nice guys don't, they're just, they're totally content and they're not gonna fight for what they want. They're not gonna fight for their power. But that's a codependent mentality where in a way they feel codependent on their job, codependent on their ex. So let me buy you nice shit. You see what I mean? So what really sunk in from him though is the story I told him about myself, how I went through that energy. And that's kind of what I wanna share with you now. I wanna share with you how I went through this process. Now, it all started back when I was a little fricking baby, okay? When I was a little baby, I was just a little baby. And what happened is I was, basically this is what happened. This is what I believe happened. 'Cause I don't remember. I don't have the exact memory. And I have great parents, by the way. My mom and my dad did the best they could with where they were. So it's no, you know, they were, Close to my mom, close to my dad. But there was a, what I believe happened was this. When I was 3 years old, I believe my mom went through a lot of pain because her dad passed away. Never met him that I know of, but her dad passed away. And when her dad passed away, she was emotionally depressed. And at 2 or 3 years old, here I am having all these needs and stuff, wanting a whole bunch of attention. And then I noticed that my mom, is emotionally not available. Okay, she's not available. I look at her, you know, normally you look at your mom when you're a baby and it's like, the mom's like, "Ha, boo-boo, come out," you know, all that shit. And then what happens is you're like reacting, you're getting reaction from your mom, you're getting reaction from your mom. But then eventually mom's going through shit, dad's going through shit, and then, "Wah," that stuff stops. Now when that stuff stops, what happens is you think, "What the fuck is going on?" What is going on with mom? What is going on with dad? Why aren't they paying attention to me? Why aren't they giving me what I need? I need attention. So then what happens is we then think, well, maybe I can act out and throw a little temper tantrum. Then we try doing that and we may still get somewhat ignored or we may feel like our needs still aren't met. So what eventually happens is we think to ourselves, well, maybe if I change myself, then maybe I'll be loved. Maybe if I do something nice for mom, if I give mom something, maybe she'll be loved. That's when the people pleaser is born. And we may not even remember it. I look at my dad, nice guy, nice guy. And it was maybe I watched my dad and that's how he functioned. So then I took on the same pattern, like that book called "It Didn't Start With You." We take on the trauma and the patterns of our parents, whether we are aware of it or not. Not their fault, they're doing the best they can with where they are. So then what happened is I become this person that's like trying to please people, trying to get validation from people. And then after my dad and mom divorced when I'm 5, my dad then meets my ex-stepmom who is a narcissist, controlling, manipulative, abusive. And then my brother and I are brainwashed to not wanna go back to our real mom's house. So then we don't have a relationship with our real mom from 7 to 15 years old. Because anytime we come back from our real mom's house, what happens is we get punished, we get in trouble. So then we start through pain and pleasure, we start realizing, hey, every time I go to mom's house, it means a lot of pain when I get back. And I'm only at mom's house for 2, 3 days a month because that was like the, you know, that's how we were brainwashed or whatever. But basically then that became normal. So then we saw the person in our life that was our ex-stepmom controlled everything. My dad just let it happen 'cause he's nice. He doesn't wanna fight the tension. And because he's nice, he can be manipulated. So it's this interesting dance of energy that I then paid attention to. And then I thought, well, if I change myself, maybe I can get the love of my ex-stepmom. Because from 7 to 15 years old, she was the one that was in my life because we were brainwashed to not wanna go to our real mom's house. After 15 came around, then we had a great relationship with our real mom, still do to this day. Lived with her for years, love her. But I'm just saying she did the best she could. It was kind of out of her control. She was actually told by a psychic that she went to that she was like so distraught about the whole thing, about how we were being brainwashed. And the psychic said, you're gonna have to wait like 5 years. This is like 5 years before my dad divorced my ex-stepmom. And she's, you're gonna wait a while, but they will come back. We did come back. Funny how that works, right? And yeah, so that was kind of an interesting thing. So anyways, then, The only time I would really get rewarded, my brother and I would get rewarded if we tattled on each other. Eventually we kind of got together and we kind of like looked out for each other. But for a while we'd only get like love. And it was a very shallow level of love if we tattled on each other, then she would give us a hug and be nice to us. But she was like very angry, narcissistic person, still is. I don't have to see her anymore, but she still is. Now, basically what happened though is from that point, I then equated that I'm not enough If I can be nice and not cause tension, that's what the nice guy's afraid of. That's what people pleasers are afraid of is being themselves because they may get rejected. Just like I got rejected when I was 3 and I felt like, you know, what's going on here? So then what happens is I went through, and it did serve me in a way, by the way, it did serve me. Now here's how it served me. I then wanted to be, you know, part of me went through a spiritual awakening. It transformed my life. I wanna help other people wake up to who they are. There is an authenticity there. But part of it was I think a lot of people didn't believe believe in me when I started on YouTube. So what I thought is if I were to really become well-known and become successful, then I'll prove all these people wrong. So it became this thing where I was chasing significance. I was chasing validation from my audience. I was afraid of showing certain parts of my personality. Like even now, I'm like, I watch UFC, I'm learning Muay Thai. Certain type of like, you know, fighting. Like sometimes I'm afraid of sharing certain things with my audience because they'll think I'm Sue 3D or something like that. But like, no, now I don't care. I am myself. And for me, the value of being authentic goes above that of the value of not causing tension and getting validation. Because before it was a shadow. I did not feel the validation or the approval because I didn't get it when I was a kid and I didn't really get it growing up. So if I could prove all these people wrong, then I would finally feel worthy, whole, and complete. And then that led to hundreds of thousands, now over a million subscribers on YouTube. That led to me going from making like $60K a year at a job I hated to making $60K a year at making YouTube videos to making hundreds of thousands to now making millions. And I'm not saying that to brag. I'm just saying I've become successful from this codependent BS. But at the same time, what I've realized is that that codependency may have served me, but now it doesn't serve me anymore because now I realize one, in relationships, I had become depolarized. I would get into a relationship with someone and then I become like giving gifts, being nice, tailoring my life to their life. Now here, think about this in a masculine-feminine dynamic. The feminine wants to feel safe in the masculine frame. Now what happens is if the masculine is changing themselves for the feminine, the feminine can't really feel safe because the femme's like, who is this guy? He changes every day based on what I need. It's like having a little servant. And it wasn't that bad. It wasn't like I was serving, doing all this stuff, but it was like, oh, let me fix, let me help, became a fixer just like my dad. So then what I realized is, hey, this is depolarizing sexual dynamics. There's not as much polarity here 'cause I'm just trying to be nice. And then even in dating, I'd be dating and I used to read dating books and stuff like that. And it was like the missing key for me was that I was just too damn fricking nice. I was like, oh, let me just, I'm afraid of getting rejected. I don't wanna put out my feelings. I don't wanna share how I really feel that I'm really sexually attracted to this person. So instead I'm just gonna be nice and hope we'll be friends and then hope that they'll see the value in that. But no, that shit does not work. Tell you that from experience. But the biggest game changer for me was once you realize and you become aware of the shadow of the codependency, What you did is you then start to realize it. You become aware of it. That's step number 1. I became aware of it. And here's the thing, there's a payoff that you get from being codependent. The payoff from being codependent is that you are a victim, that your power is outside of yourself, just like you were when you were a kid. You may have felt that way, so it's a familiar feeling. The payoff of being a nice guy is you don't get tension. The payoff of people pleasers, you get approval. It's a shallow sense of approval, but until you become aware of it, you're gonna continue to live in the pattern. Now, the second step is you see then how it's not actually benefiting you. You become aware of the payoff, the negative payoff, and you become aware of how it's actually not serving you. I became aware of months ago, I became aware this nice guy bullshit, one, it isn't authentic. Two, it's not getting you the results you think it is. Nice guys rationalize shit. People pleasers rationalize shit. Oh, if I could just be like this, then I'm gonna get this, or this is the right thing to do. Oh, nice guys, I'm the knight in shining armor. I'm different than all the other assholes. That's the little story that is told. And the nice guys is like, or the codependents might be like, oh, I just really love deeply. I just really love deeply. But you don't love yourself. You've abandoned yourself. Nice guys have abandoned themselves. So the key to this is becoming aware of it, looking at it, and starting to see that it's a pattern. It's not actually you. It's a pattern you've been living in based on survival. Because when you were a kid, You had to survive. And the way you survived was trying to change yourself to get the love of your parents. So the key to this is becoming aware of that. Awareness is key, first step. Second step, after the awareness, you become aware of the payoff, the negative payoff. You become aware of the payoff, which is maybe the positive payoff. I'm getting the approval. I'm nice. I'm different than all the other guys, which is bullshit. But you become aware of it and you say, wait, this actually isn't serving me. Nice guys do finish last. The nice guy is the context I'm using here. I'm not saying you have to be an asshole. I'm saying you have to be authentic. Nice guy is not authentic. The nice guy is not filling up their own cup. They are not happy. They are trying to change and manipulate other people to get their needs met. And the context that I'm talking about, the nice guy thing, or the people pleaser, same thing with people pleaser. Some women listen to this, or feminine energy listen to this. That's like the girl version of it is people pleasing. So you become aware of this. You say, wait, this actually isn't serving me and it's not authentic. And for the nice guy, it's also not leaning into tension. Now tension is what causes growth. Tension is not a bad thing at all. When you are authentically yourself, there are gonna be people that don't like you. That's okay. That's okay. Now think of it like this. The more you are yourself, the more that people, some people won't like you, you are weeding out the people that won't love you for being you anyways. And you are giving the option for people that do love you to love you even deeper because they see that you have the balls to be yourself. You see what I mean? It's a win-win scenario. So awareness of the pattern. You become aware and you become aware of the payoff, the payoff that you think is positive, but it's not. And then you become aware and you start to see how it's actually hurting you. If the guy that's working on my house was able to look and say, hey, being passive aggressive ain't getting me shit. Being nice at my job ain't getting me shit. "This actually isn't working. I am miserable." He literally told me, "I feel like I have all this energy." I can tell there's like this part of him that just wants to, I bought this thing called the Bob. A Bob is this little, what is it called? Body, I forget, but it's this thing that you can punch. I'm like, "Dude, you just need to go and punch the shit out of this thing and get all that anger out of you because it's all pent up because he's being fricking nice." It's like Hello Kitty. It's like Hello Kitty in Lego Movie. Getting ready to freaking explode. And when you start being authentic, you realize, doesn't mean you like are an angry, abusive person. It means that you're just authentic. You express what the fuck you feel. And maybe if he were to like do like some type of martial arts or something, or like body, like boxing or something, maybe he'd get out some of that energy and start viewing himself differently or change his self-image. He wouldn't see himself as a codependent. Someone who's dependent and kind of like trying to make everyone else happy. Another challenge he has is he says yes to everything. I'll be like, bro, can you come do this at the house? He'll say yes, but then he'll have trouble with his commitments because he said yes to 10 other people. I'm like, dude, you need to get consistent with your word and say no if it's a no. Say yes if it's a yes. And I'm kind of being hard on him because I feel like he, even though he's like 10, 15 years older than me, he respects me and he sees that I have the results that I want in my life and I'm trying to empower him. So first step, awareness. Second step, become aware of the payoff and the negative payoff and see how it's not actually serving you. And then third step is commit to authenticity, even if the authenticity means tension. Trusting that if you feel tension, if you're expressing yourself and you get rejected, it doesn't matter. Start filling up your own cup. The next step to this is going within your own frame. Now frame and body are the same thing. Here's what I told this, here's what I told the guy that's working on my house. Here's what I've told many, many people. It has completely transformed almost everyone's life I've shared with this. I've shared it before, but in case you wanna hear it again, here you go. When you start going, and this is the problem with people pleasers, nice guys, and codependents. What has happened is at a certain point in your past, when you were a kid, you started tuning yourself to the outer environment so that you could get your needs met. You started tuning yourself to your mom or your dad. You started changing yourself based on some outer thing. Now, the key to healing this is going more within your body and actually feeling the separation between you and other people. Now think about it. In the law of attraction, in this lovey-dovey community, it's like, let's all connect our heart fields together, everyone. We're all one consciousness. Well, guess what? The empath, the people pleaser, the nice guy, the codependent, you need the opposite for now. The narcissist needs the oneness and community and like needs to understand that because they don't, they don't, they, and it's in a way, it's a toxic way of trying to manipulate their environment. It's all about the self, whereas the codependent, the people pleaser, nice guy, all that, what's happened is you've lost your sense of self. You've literally left your body. And that's why a lot of people that are very intuitive are people that went through trauma because they left their body. They went into their third eye. Now they can connect and tune to anybody, tune to anybody and try to change themselves so that they get by in reality. But the key is actually going within your own body and feeling the separation between you and other people. That's when it's easy to set boundaries. That's when you then start to feel in your own frame. And remember your own frame and your body is the same thing. You start feeling more like a leader. You stop giving and overextending yourself. You start feeling happy and whole and complete within yourself. And the problem is, is you've taken on the patterns of your parents. So this is the process you do. You go inside of your body for just 5 or 10 minutes every morning and 5 or 10 minutes every night. And what you do is you put the awareness on inside of your body while you're breathing in. So you put the awareness on your body and you stare at a candle flame that's a couple feet in front of you and you stare at the candle flame with your eyes about eye length or eye level. And all you do is this, you feel the separation between you and the flame. And on the in-breath, you breathe in and you just put the awareness and then on the breath out, you can just relax that. And normally what you do too is when you're looking at the candle flame, You are focusing very intently on the candle flame and feeling the separation on the in-breath. And on the out-breath, you focus on the peripheral and relaxing into the environment. This is an integration technique for integrating your shadow and for integrating these different layers. I've been doing this for 5 months. My whole entire energy has changed. I am no longer dependent on other people. That's the thing too, is codependents are just attached. They're attached to the outside. And the reason they're attached to the outside is because of the childhood trauma And what you gotta do is detach yourself from it and then feel the separation between you and the candle flame, you and your ex, you and your mom, you and your dad, you and someone else in your life. You feel the separation and then you start to take your energy back. And then as you are in your body more and more, you will have a more magnetic energy. You will go out and people will literally wonder what the hell's going on with this person. They're awesome. Literally. And some people will be polarized from you and they may actually be repelled. Guess what? That's good. You're saving the time of the BS and the inauthenticity. Now that I saw this within myself, I see it in other people and I've had to work in not being judgmental because I can see people's shadows so clearly now. When people are being like goofy as a mechanism to like not get vulnerable with people, it's so obvious to me now. I'm having more compassion for it, but it's so easy for me to see other people's shadow now. And I've become aware of my own shadow. And there's still different levels to my own shadow that I'm becoming aware of. I'm not saying I got it all figured out. That's why I work with plant medicine and stuff sometimes. But in general, this is the key to the process. It's feeling the separation. You guys do this, commit to 21 days of doing this and watch how your life begins to change. And I told the guy that's working on my house, it's not gonna happen immediately. Not within, for me it happened very quickly. I did start feeling different, but it compounded over time. It changed everything. I now very clearly see the separation between me and other people. And I have this mantra, oh, that's your shit, not mine. If somebody makes you feel guilty for not wanting to hang out, it's like, okay, well, This is authentic for me. You go in your body. What do you wanna do? People invited me the other night to some like game night thing and all this stuff. And I was like, I went in my body. Do I wanna go to this? No, I don't. No, I'm sorry. I'm gonna pass. Come on. No, sorry. That's your stuff, not mine. If you're mad that I'm not going. It's good and healthy for you to go through this. Now, eventually you can still have compassion for people, but you have to start filling up your own cup and being authentic. So I let go of the, part of my identity that wanted to ease tension. And I took on a value of authenticity. Now it's more about being authentic. Letting go is what you need to hear though if you're codependent. You gotta let go and you gotta fill up your own cup. It's gonna be scary when you let go because you've tuned yourself to the environment for so long. But when you let go and you start going into your body, you'll start feeling more safe. You're bringing the awareness from the out of, you know, you might not be, I wasn't in my bottom 3 chakras for years. I had a lot of energy was just in my, I was downloading information and going out of my heart and into the screen of making videos, but I wasn't grounded from down coming up. Now I am because I've been doing this work. So the key to this is being in your own frame, healing your own inner child. If you guys haven't seen it, I do have that of a meditation that is completely free. It is, you go to aarondoughty.com/child, C-H-I-L-D. We do an activation meditation where we go to Kauai, Hawaii, and we heal our inner child. It's very powerful. So AaronDoughty.com/child, C-H-I-L-D. You can download that meditation. It will help you through this process. That's what I, you know, a process I went through to heal my own inner child. And it's a visualization/activation of everyone else who's done it. So it's very powerful. But in general, the key to healing being codependent is letting go of attachment to outside sources. And start to go inside of your own body. And as you start going inside of your own body, you will start to feel safe. You will start to feel the separation between you and other people. It will be liberating. It will be powerful. You will start to believe in yourself again. You will start to be a leader in a way you've never seen before. I am leading. I hired new people in my company. I've got that app. I've got everything I'm doing right now. And I'm busier than ever in a good way, but I'm also more of a leader than I've ever been in my life. I'm also more polarizing than I've ever been in my life. And I'm also more masculine integrated than I've ever been in my life. And that's because I've gone within my body, felt the separation between me and my past self, felt the separation between me and the parents and all this stuff. And now I feel whole and complete within myself. I do not need validation from other people. It's completely different. And friends, family, everyone, people notice this difference in me. And to some people it's kind of jarring because I'm much more blunt. I'm much more authentic. And sometimes it's much more edgy. So I'm not sure if you've seen it yet, but one of the most popular attracting love videos I've ever made came out recently. It's the number 1 secret to why you're single and can't find love. And if you haven't watched that video, it builds on this concept and it will help you to attract love and remove those blocks. Check that video out right here and have a good day. In this video, I'm gonna reveal the number 1 reason you may have trouble finding love, and also the reason you might feel stuck in attracting the same type of people over and over again. Maybe it's a certain type of person that's not healthy