The Energy Behind Why You Attract The Wrong Person (And How To Stop)

I attract men who are divorced dads who—

Very specific niche you have there. I attract specifically divorced men who are dads.

This is probably the third time. So I attract divorced— PTSD is a common one. Sometimes sexual trauma is a common one. So I think this experience kind of showed me like I have an option to kind of walk away. But then the question is, he kept saying and saying and saying, I'm gonna come work on myself. I'm gonna work on myself and, you know, maybe we can like try again. And so it got me really excited. It got me really pumped up and, you know, I'm already an anxious person. So I was really disappointed to find out like nothing was actually in motion.

Nothing was in motion?

No, nothing was in motion. Yeah, like he— so we reconnected and he's telling me he wants to heal. He's like, for you, I'm going to do the work and I'm going to do all this stuff. And so I got so excited. I'm like, finally, like I attracted an awakened man. And so that's something that I've never done.

Right.

And so I'm thinking that this experience was— I'm hoping this is the last time. And that's, that's another thing I get in. I get involved with somebody new and in my head I'm like, For the love of God, can you not be another lesson, please?

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. If you go around with the expectation, I hope this person's not another lesson for me, what is the energy that's inside of your field?

I'm gonna get a lot of lessons.

You're gonna get exactly that.

Yeah.

And it's gonna be a lesson because you're the one that's holding onto the energy that it must, it shouldn't be a lesson, I hope it's not a lesson. That stays in your subconscious. And remember, out of the 11 to 15 million bits of information, the 100 bits per second that you attract are gonna be reflective of that energy. And even if you're saying, I hope it's not that, that's what it's leaning against. Does that make sense?

Okay, yeah.

So that's part of it. The other part of it is asking yourself, what in this other person or what in the pattern of divorced dads does that attract you? What about that is attractive to you?

My father was a divorced dad.

There you go.

My mother. Yeah, right. See, that's the thing. I understand the connection, but there's like these floating puzzle pieces and like, I think I'm finally in the phase where I'm trying to integrate and stop doing that. But I think the confusion for me is, for example, my life coach mentioned to me she met her husband during a tough time.

And let's stick, let's stick to the deeper stuff, okay? Because we could, we could go on many tangents in many different ways with this. Ultimately, there's an emotion, there's an energy here that's, there's a reason we attract people and patterns into our life. We attract people and patterns into our life because there's some form of payoff. There's some form of payoff, whether that payoff is familiarity, whether it allows us to reaffirm our belief about reality, whether there's many different versions of payoffs. And the belief itself too, this is my pattern, I attract divorced dads That, that connection and belief and story is something that also will continue to bring it into your life just because that's what you relate to. That's what you are claiming and projecting into reality, right?

Yeah.

But what is the payoff that you get for that?

Well, I think this is the first time I saw that it doesn't really— I thought it did, but it doesn't.

What is your relationship with your dad?

He's a dismissive avoidant.

Okay.

And this guy is also a dismissive avoidant.

Interesting. Interesting, right?

Yeah.

It's very interesting that a lot of times the people we attract into our life will represent the parent that we felt like our needs weren't met through the most with.

Yeah.

We've, we find aspects of that inside our primary partner that we end up being attracted to.

Right.

Okay. So this person sounds like has a similar energy. To the dad energy that was familiar. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that— so I, through guidance, I pushed him away and I said, I'm not going to do this right now, even though that was hard. So I feel like I'm split where I'm aware of what I'm doing. It's not good. But then the other part of me still feels like, well, I hope he goes and does the work and I hope he like shows up. And I hope— but then like, as I'm doing that, I'm realizing how tired I am as well. So it's—

yeah. You hope dad would also become less dismissive and avoidant, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I guess my ultimate question is like, I want to not just like disregard somebody that comes along. And I think I held a lot of judgment. Like, if they're not doing work, many, like any 10 of those modalities that I did before, like if they didn't do something along those lines, that it's not going to— it just gives me all this fear. And I—

In what ways aren't you doing the work? Um, he's not doing the work, they're not doing the work.

Yeah.

How are you not doing the work?

Oh man, I feel like I overdo it. I feel like I'm stuck in my head, and I was just sharing, I'm stuck in the healing, I'm stuck. So I'm in this phase where I'm like, I'm trying to get out of that identity of like, I'm always working on myself.

Maybe you're overdoing it because that can be a distraction to something else.

Vulnerability.

Yeah, exactly.

Damn it, you're good.

Yeah, well, no, this is all information that's inside of you. Yeah, and it's common themes that we all experience because the thing that we're trying to avoid sometimes by overhealing, overlooking at our patterns, over all of these things we're doing, you're making up for the way he's not doing, and then you're doing it in yourself. But it's like, what is the deeper emotion there that's being avoided through all the work that you're doing? Vulnerability. How are you avoiding vulnerability? Is it a vulnerable conversation you're avoiding? Is it being vulnerably honest with yourself with the kind of patterns you're attracting? Is it— what is it?

Well, I know for a fact that anytime I like someone and I'm interested, I, I get flustered. I have a problem with like, I can't just be freaking normal. Like, I mean, I'm normal, but like, I don't know. You guys are— you guys are looking at me and the energy is getting me anyway. How am I not being vulnerable? I guess I don't, I change the attention or shift it where it's like not all about me, but I guess.

I'll tell you a lot of times when people are.

What am I missing? I'm missing something.

A lot of times when people are in relationships where it's like they're not coming around, they're dismissive avoidant, all of this stuff, they're the problem, they're the issue, just like dad was the issue. It's also an avoidance of your own stuff.

Right.

It's an avoidance of owning your own stuff. Many times that can be the case.

Yeah.

And that's why we choose emotionally unavailable people because they mirror back, because they're the problem, they're the story.

So I guess that's the other thing. I feel almost like, oh, this like little deadbeat likes me. Ew. Then I'm like, some part of me is a deadbeat in there. You know, does that make sense? So I guess I don't—

So what do you think that— what do you think is here for you? What do you think this is really about?

I guess I'm trying to reason with, like, patterns, or how can I— like, I have a bad habit of trying to force something in there that's not— that doesn't have to be.

Yeah, yeah, I was trying to force something that's not Yeah, and you're trying to talk to— how do I, how do I stay with someone that's this way? I mean, it's like a form of control to like stay in a relationship that may or may not be authentic from the way that you're making it sound.

Right.

Right?

Right. But then the other part of that is like how much is an appropriate amount of challenges to accept? Because I know, I hear like when you meet somebody that wants to do the work, you guys are working at the same time, it's gonna be challenging. So I don't know what it looks like to have like a conscious partner that is gonna reflect back and tell me stuff, because I'm used to being the one, like, the smart one in the relationship. So now, so I guess, is it just me? I need to be more vulnerable, or—

I think that— what do you think the lesson here is for you, or the insight?

Control.

Yeah. Yeah, I can say it, but then it's not— it's not mine. Yeah, it's that you don't get to keep it if you don't— doesn't come out.

Okay.

Control.

Yeah.

Now, what's one thing and one area of your life that we're for certain control doesn't work? You guys think of it? Relationships. Exactly.

Yeah.

When we try to control our relationships, we create resistance. We play God. We think that we know what's best, and we think that we must force things to happen. And remember, the more you try to force things to happen a certain way, the more people will naturally resist because of the dynamic you're infusing into it. Right, so you trying to figure this out. What about this? What about this? What about this? What about this? What about this? Butchering up the vibration, butchering up the energy, projecting onto them. Wanting— you see, it becomes this very messy thing.

Yeah, it got, it got kind of got there.

Yeah, so the energy of— if you believe that your ego is the one that needs to do all of this, it's gonna feel like a lot of burden. It's gonna be a lot of figuring out. Okay, like all of this, instead, instead of giving it up and trusting the divine. Giving up and being honest to yourself and being honest of the energy that's there, looking at yourself and seeing what does this say about me? Because ultimately whatever we're looking for in someone else, there's an aspect of ourselves that isn't giving it to ourselves. Does that make sense? So anything that we are craving for someone else, we're wanting someone else to do something for us, there's an aspect of ourself that wants to receive it from us. So apart from our past, a part of us may not have received something growing up. So we say, I want this from this person over here, I want it from this, when really it wants, you want it from you. So it's you connecting to your inner child, right? So what might that be? Are you aware of an energy there?

Like the inner child part of me that— yeah, I do see it. My dad was always a good dad. I just think he—

what was the emotion of that, that inner child?

I wanted to hide a lot as a kid, but then I'd come out. Yeah, every now and then.

Well, what is the control? It sounded like there was something with control. Did you have to protect yourself against something?

My mother. Yeah, my mom was the controlling one. My dad was more like in the background, or that's like the perception that I have, like, looking back. He just kind of in the background, like, yeah, emotional. I'm talking about like emotional presence, right? Yeah, like, I don't know, I'm having a hard time connecting that with like what I'm trying to get out. Yeah, I've just— me, I just, I guess I'm trying, like, I'm in my masculine energy when I say this. I'm like, I just want to make sure, like, this next person comes along, it's like Am I gonna have to go through this again?

Because I'm like, if you have an aversion to going through this again or not, you're gonna go through it again.

It's just a big fear.

The very thing we resist is the thing we're going to— with the thing that we attract energetically, because we have an aversion to that resistance. And the key is that if you can be good either way, yeah, if you could be good either way and knowing that you can trust yourself, you will then catch yourself and you'll then be able to give that to yourself instead of desire it from somebody else. Does that make sense?

Right. Yeah.

So ultimately, there is— where is a way that you can just let go and let yourself feel what comes up, even if it's confusion? Do I do this? Do I not do that? What if it's an awakened person? What if it's not an awakened person? What if it's a dad? Right?

Definitely a lot of confusion. Yeah, now that you say that, I've been nothing but confused for like the past 2 months.

Okay, well, what if it's okay that you feel confused? Because all this other heady stuff that we try to figure out, like, all we could— once again, we could draw a map out on the whiteboard and try to figure this all out, but that's not really the culprit, right? That's a reflection of the inner confusion and the confusion of maybe that inner child feels confused as a kid. I'm gonna go be quiet, whatever, you know, that, that's where you can really begin tapping into. And let it be okay that you feel confused. Yeah, if we don't think it's okay that we feel confused, we create resistance.

Mm-hmm.

And it gets even more confusing. Do you see?

Yeah, I guess I thought he was like coming back to marry me. This is my time, and I get, I get so excited. And yeah, so I put all like all my hope on like one situation. So I see it was upsetting.

Yeah, understandable, understandable. And as you go through this process, what can you— how can you approach this differently moving forward?

God, if I could just wipe my brain and make sure it doesn't like make noise. But once again, grounding myself.

If you let the noise be there, you see, it's like we're trying to change, we're trying to heal, we're trying to get out. Everything we're trying to do is trying to avoid certain emotions, right? But that emotion and feeling that emotion is actually the key out of the prison. Okay, it's like we're in the prison and we're trying to figure out how to get out of the prison. We're talking ourselves, we're writing on the whiteboard, we're trying to connect all these dots, not realizing that if you just let yourself feel it and you let it be okay, the door opens.

So feel the fear.

Feel it. Let it be there. Let the confusion be there.

Okay. It's a lot of that.

Yeah, well, then there'll be a lot that you, you allow it to come up. Don't try to control it. That's what the letting go technique is.

Okay.

The letting go technique is you let the emotion come up. You let yourself feel it. You welcome it. You don't try to change it, and you let it be there. You feel it, you breathe into it, and then you can make the choice to let it go. And then more comes up, you do it again. This is an interesting paradox when it comes to even thinking negative thoughts. 'Cause if you observe like from a candle flame, which is something I recommend doing to calm the mind, observe a candle flame, feel the separation between you and the candle flame, eyes focused on one spot, eyes that wander is a mind that wanders. Keep your eyes on one spot, observe the thoughts that come into your mind. If you think negative thoughts and you're like, negative thought, I'm gonna manifest something negative, you create resistance. If you let the negative thought be there, it will eventually lose its power and you'll just naturally, you become indifferent. I could think negative thoughts or not, I'm just gonna observe it. You may think thoughts, you're not your thoughts. You let it be there. That's where there's a lot of transformation because you may think thoughts, but you're not your thoughts. You may have emotions, you're not your emotions. But what happens is there's energy underneath the surface that hasn't been felt. And then from the energy that hasn't been felt, there's this big string of a map that's coming that we're trying to figure out the relationship stuff or the inner child stuff. But really it could be much more simple. The mind does this distracting thing where it's always trying to figure out the other people, distracts itself from like looking at the emotion that's underneath the surface.

Right.

Instead of just breathing and feeling into that, letting go, whether you're with this person or not.

Yeah. Yeah. So you're saying the core issue here is vulnerability and what was control?

Well, letting go, letting go, letting go. If you think of control, you think of the other side of control, which is, is letting go.

Okay.

What is something, what is something you can let go? Of in this situation?

Fear.

Okay, so you can allow yourself to feel the fear. Yeah, you can let it be there, not trying to control it. What is something else you can let go of?

Um, I tend to fantasize a lot about how things could be, right, or potential or future. So I could let go of like any preconceived notions that I like to make up in my head.

Yeah. Which is maybe even the ego's way of trying to gain certainty of like all these things you can imagine, right? Yeah. But who's to say that the ego even has the best case scenario intact, right?

It probably doesn't.

Probably doesn't. And you might be trying to create a future with someone that maybe is a complete miss compatibility-wise, or not even compatibility, values-wise, you know? That's why it's important also to become aware of what values are important to you in relationship. If you're with someone that doesn't have the same values as you, It is something to consider. Yeah, looking into that, you know.

Yeah, I think part— another, like, I was fighting with God. I just wish I knew, like, if he— this, this experience particularly, I felt like I had maybe 5 ego deaths.

Yeah.

And it was just confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion. I'm just like, why is it so intense with this person? So I think—

and why do you keep choosing it? Ah, is there— what part of your nervous system feels confusion and resistance like this and says, I'm just gonna keep doing it, I'm gonna keep going for it?

I guess I want it so bad that I am still in the ego trying to control how it comes.

Right. The more you try to control it, the more it's gonna—

Okay, if I really wanted to ask a question, I'd be like, can you just tell me if my ex-fiancé is gonna come back and marry me? Like, literally, if someone could tell me that question, like, answer it, like—

There's no— but the future isn't set.

I know.

The future isn't set. And even if a psychic that was 80% accurate or some shit came in here and said something like that, it's still off.

You know what I mean?

It doesn't matter because that's not the purpose of the relationship.

Right.

Wouldn't it be nice to have like the certainty? Because if that fiancé is gonna be in your life, then everlasting happiness.

That feels weird.

Doesn't it?

Yeah. No, thanks.

That's what the mind doesn't question these things anyways.

I get you.

The mind fantasizes about it and you're like, can someone just tell me that I'm gonna be with this person forever and then I will be happy forever? And it sounds like confusion to your nervous system. It's got all these drama and all these things in it.

That's why it's confusing 'cause I've never been with somebody healthy.

Well, why do you think that is?

Because of me.

Well, it's because you keep choosing— you keep choosing something that is confusing to your nervous system. You don't have any room or bandwidth for anything else. Do you see?

Yeah. So I like— I like chaos. I don't know.

You tell me.

Is that a core belief? Probably.

You tell me. If it feels familiar to childhood, it might be something that you keep gravitating towards. But you will keep choosing it until one day comes along and you decide you're not gonna choose it anymore. That's up to you. You can go right back into it. You can keep getting obsessive about it, but just be aware that that obsession you have about him isn't just about him. It's a pattern.

Exactly.

You think it might look like it's him, and even though it sounds like there's a lot of complexity there, yeah, but not that every relationship is supposed to be easy cakewalk in the park. Everyone's just equally like helping each other at every Like, but there's an awareness there that where is your bandwidth? Where is your energy? How does your nervous system feel? These are important things to ask. So instead of just asking like, oh, is there, are they going through a spiritual awakening? And like, can we still be together? How does your nervous system feel with this person? How does your nervous system feel with you? Because that's where it starts. Yeah. So that maybe is where the next leg of this journey is for you.

Mm-hmm.

Is it your relationship with you?

Yeah.

Your relationship with your nervous system.

I've been doing a lot of that.

That's awesome. That's great. Yeah. And as you do that work, you might then find that certain things become kind of obvious.

Yeah.

You are not going to be so confused when you start regulating your nervous system. Things will become clear. And if things, if things do feel a little confusing, you're gonna be okay with it, right? Okay, it's a part of the process.