The Magnetic Identity Ladder: from chasing to chosen (whiteboard breakdown)

What if you could go from chasing to being chosen like this? Like, imagine going from wanting someone to text you back, wondering if you're good enough, and imagine you went from that energy to feeling grounded, safe inside of your body, curious if you have a connection with someone, but not chasing or wondering. In this video, I'm going to show you what is called the Magnetic Identity Ladder. When you become aware of what identity you are in and the values that come with it, it will then free you and allow you to start to be the most magnetic version of you. By the end of this video, you will know which ring you're on, you will know how to get to the upper levels, and you will learn what to let go of so that you stop staying trapped and attracting the same kind of people over and over again, or keeping you from love and connection in your life. So this video's gonna show you how to escape that trap. And if you skip this video, that's when normally you'll stay stuck at these bottom layers for the next 5, 10, 15 years because that pattern is still under the surface. So the first thing to understand about this in general is when we talk about identity, realize you don't always get in life that which you want, but you always get in life a reflection of who you are being. So who you are being is what this is rooted in understanding. Your identity is what creates your life. Because you think, feel, and act equal to whatever that identity is. So the first thing to become aware of is what is your self-image? Like for me, back in the day, especially dating, even after I was on YouTube doing what I love full-time, there was a part of my identity where subconsciously I saw myself as someone that wasn't worthy of love. Saw myself as someone that had quite a bit of unprocessed shame from the past. So when we look at this layers and this identity, realize there's a certain level of either shame or anger under the surface that keeps us at these bottom layers. So for me, the first layer, and for in general on this Magnetic Identity Ladder, the first layer is that of the chaser. It's that of the person that's wanting love, connection, but not even. It's the part of us that actually wants approval, the part that wants validation. Because as a kid, if it did not feel normal to get love and approval, then what'll happen is that will be one of the top values. So when we look at these identities as well, realize that they're rooted in certain values. Like I remember very clearly, one of the most powerful shifts I had in recognizing my relationship patterns was actually right over here where I'm at. I'm in Sedona right now and I have this balcony that's right out here that's like overlooking the view of Sedona. And I was hanging out with my best friend and we were talking about relationship patterns. And one of the things that I was in at the time, this is like so many years ago, like, 5 or 6 years ago, I was recognizing that there was this energy where I didn't feel chosen, and there was this energy where I was trying to get someone else on board. It was almost like I was in the fix-it dynamic where I was holding space for them and just kind of waiting around. And one of the insights, one of the things that really began to snap me out of it was this, and this is what will begin to free you out of this layer. Okay, this is the deeper inner child stuff that we talk about here on this channel. There was this moment where I realized with my friend, we had this conversation and I realized that this person not coming around, there was not, it's not my fault. There was nothing wrong with me. And what this realization is was a realization that also In childhood, it wasn't my fault if mom wasn't able to meet my needs, especially earlier on. So it's like, unless we process and look at the energy underneath this identity, which in a way, think about it like this. Here's a huge shift that will help you understand your patterns in a much deeper way and really get the most out of this video. See each of these identities as a inner child part of you. I really think this will shift it for you. So every one of us has a part of ourselves that may feel a certain level of shame. And what happens is as a kid, there was this initial split. It's like the split of authenticity. There is you playing in the sandbox, just being yourself. Your parents are off to the side. And it's like they're witnessing you play, do your thing, but there might be a part of you that just, like, you feel safe because you're able to play, but then at a certain moment, something shifted. Maybe a parent got mad, maybe someone wasn't around, maybe you got in trouble, and all of a sudden, a split. Who do I have to be in order to receive mom and dad's love as a kid? I need to be hyper alert. I need to be quiet. I need to be perfect. I need to please. That split is what causes these bottom two level identities to be trapped. And until you process this energy, you will attract people into your life that reflect back the identity layer you are at. So think about this for a minute. If you are at the level of the chaser, you are leaning in and hoping to be chosen. As the level of the chaser of that identity, who does the chaser attract to play out the dynamics with? The chaser will attract the runner. It's almost like because there's this unresolved energy from the past, you will then attract people that reflect back that energy. So it's about realizing that this is not who you are. This is a layer of identity that as you begin to process, begins to completely transform your life. So for me, back in the day, one of the realizations was, was it's not my fault. It's not my fault if somebody doesn't come around. Somebody doesn't reciprocate love. Wasn't my fault as a kid because I was 2 or 3 years old and my mom's dad died and she wasn't as present with me during those times. Wasn't my fault, but as a kid, we internalize it, you see? So the deeper layer here and the surface level identity is you might be looking and you might be texting, you might be wondering, like what's happening, you might be hoping they like you. The identity itself is trapped because there's unprocessed energy there around validation and approval. And you will look for it on the external up until you give it to yourself on the internal. So for me, I had to accept that shame. I had to accept that emotion and actually let it be there. I had to see, hear, soothe, and nurture that inner child part of me. And as I did and I realized it wasn't my fault, it was like then whether they did choose or not, it didn't matter because it didn't have anything to do with my sense of self-worth. So as the chaser identity, you might stay trapped because you think that someone else choosing you or not is going to show something about you. But the thing to realize here is that just in the same way, whether someone chooses you or not is not something you need to manage. It's not your fault if dad or mom wasn't physically or emotionally present as a kid. Okay, so who do you need to be to lean into the parts of yourself that you may have been avoiding? Which leads us to the very powerful level of the second ring. Are you ready? This right here is the level of the performer. The performer. This is the person that you might not be chasing, but you might be still in some performance mechanism as a kid. And these are also connected to the patterns, which is some of the deepest layers of transformation that I teach. It's about, it's around identity and patterns. When you shift this, you will raise what is called your base point vibration. And you will begin to embody a completely new version of you. But let's talk about those core patterns for a moment. Now, the first core pattern that we can look at is there are 6 core patterns, okay? The 6 core patterns are patterns that are rooted in childhood patterns of, of that split I was mentioning. So one is, people pleasing, one is overgiving. I'm just gonna do these little PP, OG. One is perfectionism, one is invisible. Then we have that of controlling, which some of these are other versions of control, but then we have self-reliance, self-reliance. These are some of the 6 core patterns. And what happens is these core patterns are developed as survival strategies for who you had to be as a kid to receive mom and dad's love and approval. Well, down here at this level, the belief is that I'm not worthy and I need to chase to get what I want. And there's a certain level of valuing, 'cause values make up an identity, valuing validation and approval. For a long time, I was valuing validation and approval and wanting that from who I was dating because I wasn't giving it to myself. And when I began to validate and approve of myself and recognize that their actions do not determine how I feel on the inside, that was when a big shift started to happen. Now, this level right here is more based on what do I do? I need to do, I need to add value, I need to provide for me to be worthy. For women, that might be a certain type of energy, certain level of femininity. For men, it's a certain level of provided safety. But still at the same time, it's like I am only what I do. And a lot of times these patterns are versions of that doing. So at the level of performing, this is also where a lot of people tend to get into the area of, what you could call independence. This might be, I'm an empath, I feel other people's energies, and it's almost like subconsciously there's a little bit more of a victim dynamic where it's like, this is happening to me. At this level, it's a little bit more empowering because you've taken responsibility for your story. And also you're like, perform, I can take action, I can, I can provide value and do cool things in the world and create success for myself. Certain level of independence. And what happens is then that level will get you quite a bit of success, but it's still rooted in the pattern. And one of the most powerful things I teach is that the pattern that got you into the situation or level of consciousness is not the pattern that gets you out of it. So you can't, oh, ever people-please enough to get out of people-pleasing. There's some other part of yourself that you have to embrace. Now, there's a process that I have that's also called SHIFT. It stands for seeing the pattern, healing the root, integrating the shadow, feeling the frequency now, and transformation. And if you wanna learn, by the way, step by step how to apply that, I'm gonna be running a free 5-day identity, magnetic identity shift challenge. I'm gonna be doing live breathwork, live workshops, teachings, and coaching to help you transform. It's completely free. I'm gonna go ahead and link it below. You can sign up for the next one. But this is exactly what we do, by the way. We begin moving up this ladder so that we get more into these layers over here. So then I can look at myself, by the way, and see that I performed and I've created success on YouTube and done all of these things, But still there's a certain level of independence that was also, I think, rooted in a self-reliant pattern that was like, I don't need anybody else. Intimacy at times would feel a little bit scary. So it's interesting how you can rock back and forth a little bit too, because people tend to believe that if you are anxious or chasing, that you are emotionally available. You're not, because you're chasing normally an avoidant person. And then what happens is that person's not emotionally available, but subconsciously somehow that feels safe. And really what you can think of emotional availability as, it's your ability to feel the emotion under the surface and accept it. And think about it, anxious attachment versus avoidant attachment. 2 sides of the spectrum. Then there's secure attachment, which is more balanced. Anxious leans in, doesn't feel comfortable, and as a control mechanism needs to lean in to get the needs met. Avoidant does not feel safe and comfortable in intimacy, so they must control and pull back, and that creates the pull. Sometimes you can move from this dynamic into independence, and it's like there's still a layer of self-reliance and a layer of energy underneath the surface of being afraid of intimacy. It was very interesting 'cause for a while on my journey, back like 5, 7 years ago, I could look at certain dynamics and see, oh, there's more anxious energy there. And then after that, I moved through to a level to where then it was like my opportunity then was actually to lean into love and intimacy because then I was like, I'm safe by myself. Which is connected to what do I do? So this layer as well, values, what do I do, values independence, values a lot of alone time. It could be definitely a more empowering level to be than to be at the level of the chaser. But where things really begin to change is when there's an identity shift that happens where you begin to go beyond the identity and into authenticity. And for this level, this is the level of grounded, grounded in sense of yourself to where you are literally good either way. At this level, there's an acceptance that other people don't determine your sense of self-worth. There's an acceptance that you can express the real you knowing that how other people respond It doesn't matter. It is not your thing to manage. When I got to this layer, this was a certain level of authenticity when I learned something called the frame technique. I remember that when I was meeting someone for the first time that was an ex-girlfriend of mine for a while, I remember this person was vegan and I remember that she was coming to meet me And I remember in a moment that I had a choice 'cause I was like, "Oh, she's vegan, we have different values because I'm not vegan." I, at the time, wasn't vegan. I was vegan for years and then I started to eat meat again and it was something, it was like as I was going more into being more grounded for myself, I'm not saying that you need to eat meat to be grounded at all, by the way. But nonetheless, I was going through my own transformation and it was something like I remember I had a moment to where I was like, do I express this or is she gonna like it or not? And I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna express who I really am or, you know, I'm not gonna lie or put anything else to the side. This is how I choose to be. And I remember that in different moments, the more I was grounded inside of myself, the more authentic I was. Because to be outside of the pattern, by the way, it's extremely unattractive because it's not authentic. It's back to that split, right? So in the performing, that's also people pleaser dynamic. It's a part of people pleasing. So for me, I had to look at that pattern and realize it's not actually authentic. And by the way, if you want an easy way to begin shifting your identity, here's something that works so powerfully. You know how you say, maybe if you are like imposter syndrome, right? Back in the day when I sold women's shoes, I remember imposter syndrome would come up as I started to make videos on YouTube. And at one moment I recognized that the version of me that was selling women's shoes would say, or as I was being a YouTuber, I was like, this feels fake, this isn't the real me. The job-going version of me is the real me. I recognized that wasn't true. The real imposter was the part of me that was pretending to be a 9-to-5 job goer. It'd become familiar, but it wasn't really me. I could see that it was like a coping mechanism and I was just being settled with a job I didn't like, talking of corporate politics, et cetera. And then instead I viewed that as like the past conditioned me and I viewed the YouTuber me as the real me, even though it came with blocks, it came with fear around putting myself out there and everything. I redefined what that identity was and what it felt like. The excitement was a part of the identity. In the same way, as you are shifting out of an old performing pattern, which could be one of these, think about it like I, the people pleaser version of me, was not the real me. That was the conditioned me that was trying to get the needs met. But what I was able to do was to see it accept it, and then at the same time integrate the other side of that, which is what happens at this level. This is where integration happens. When you integrate your shadow— integrating your shadow means as a people pleaser, it was not safe to feel the tension of other people or to get their disapproval. It was not safe to have a perspective 'cause pain would come from actually having like giving someone else feels tension. Someone else's energy felt like yours to manage. The powerful part of leaking into or stepping into the groundedness part of you is developing a new relationship with your shadow, which means stepping into the authenticity, Knowing their tension is not your thing to manage. Whether someone likes you or not is not your thing to manage. So for me, what I learned to do is I had to learn how to have a new relationship with anger and a new relationship with fear. And the more repetitions I put in on embracing what I call the dark side, the bad side, side. In fact, think about this bad part of you. The bad part of you leaning against the lockers back in high school with a toothpick in your mouth, a leather jacket. The bad boy is bad. But here's the thing: each of these parts of you are a part of you that, as you begin to see, hear, soothe, and nurture and accept, are part of you. You can realize that this isn't really only who you are. And the bad part of you is a part you've been rejecting. So if someone's a people pleaser, an over-giver, it is bad to express the real you. It is bad to be vulnerable. If you are self-reliant and hyper-independent, it is bad to not take action. It is bad to sit with those emotions. It is bad to ask for help. If you're invisible, that's your pattern, to be invisible. It is bad to be seen. It is bad to be loud. It is bad. I'm thinking of the song right now, Bad and Bone. And you gotta, you gotta embrace that Bad and Bone mentality. That's how you integrate. You become free. This is how you become magnetic. Bad is polarizing. You want to be bad. And by bad, I don't mean be some like raging narcissistic a-hole, but I mean like as a kid, because I think I experienced as a kid an ex-stepmom that was controlling and manipulative, she had a lot of power, but it was manipulative power. I had disowned the power inside of myself, the assertiveness inside of myself. I had to learn to see it in a healthy way. And this meant I went through a phase of this magnetic identity part of me of like being okay either way with if people liked me or not. Okay either way with whether they chose me or not. And this was a layer that really is like empowering and is the layer that I really teach inside my 6-week cohorts, live events, and my free 5-day challenges. I show you how to raise up this level and to the most magnetic you. So at the level of groundedness, you are then good either way. But still there's a layer even above this, okay? This is where you start focusing on authenticity. This is where you start focus on connecting to yourself and your passion. This is where you realize that other people's tension many times is, I mean, it's not your thing to manage, but then you start to realize that polarity is a good thing. If you polarize people and some people like you, some people don't, that is better than you trying to be in a performance mechanism to get everyone to like you. You ever met someone before that even if you did not agree with them, you respected them because they were authentic? As I started to express myself more authentically a few years ago out of this pattern into this energy, I noticed that I had to have uncomfortable conversations with some people to reestablish dynamics. Even though there wasn't maybe validation, approval, or the good feel behind it, Guess what there was? Respect. Sometimes for the first time in years. So remember, then you're focusing, each of these layers are like a different aspect of yourself with if you're stuck at this layer, there's a part of you you need to see, hear, soothe, and nurture. So as you move from chasing to performing to then being grounded, what do you think the top layer is? What do you think it is? You go from the chaser to being chosen or to being the chooser. Let's talk about that, the chooser. Here's the joke of the whole thing is that if you look at abandonment or self-abandonment versus authenticity, every layer below this requires some layer of self-abandonment or tuning to others to gain validation approval. At this layer, you are focused on recognizing that your relationship with other people is a direct reflection of your relationship to self. And that as you can become aware of that, you then see that your actual work is in your ability to love yourself and your ability to love others, which also means your ability to accept yourself and your ability to accept others. Think of the difference of an energy on a date if you go on and you're like, "I hope they choose me. What do I have to do to be chosen? Maybe I don't need it, I'll just be myself." But then recognizing that you are the one that chooses you and the way in which you choose you is you choose to be vulnerable. Which is scary, by the way, in the performance hyper-independent level. It is scary to be expressive and to express your emotions and to be vulnerable. But this is where the magic is. This is where, you know, at a certain level of grounded, you're like, "I don't need nobody. I don't need anybody. It's safe over here. I'm gonna meditate in a cave. I meditate in a cave. I don't need nobody. There's not that much issues." Nobody's like being messy. Nobody's doing this, nobody's doing that. But guess what? True degree of transformation comes when you actually embrace intimacy. Part of this doesn't mean just choosing you, it means choosing love, choosing connection. Now also, when you get to this magnetic level as well, for men and women, feminine and masculine, feminine normally becomes focused on realizing this is about embodying love. Men or masculine focus on embodying truth. That becomes a high priority in connected to the values in self versus looking for love on the outside or looking for truth on the outside. It's a level of identity shift that really begins to happen in a very deep, powerful way. So moving up these layers is really about letting go of the values and the frame of the prior layers. And one of the ways you do that is by seeing, hearing, soothing, nurturing, and accepting that part of you. That's like the inner child part of you that might have, might have buried shame and anger. And as you see, Why do you need to see it, by the way? Many people try to change their inner child. Ew, chaser. Ew, performer. Ew, icky, right? Change, I wanna change you 'cause this is embarrassing. But guess what? It's about actually accepting it. Remember, the pattern that got you here is the pattern that gets you here. You must observe and accept the pattern. Be aware of it. But as you begin to get more authentic through integration, and feeling the emotions of what you want to experience now because you recognize those emotions are in your body, you begin to prime yourself in mind and heart coherence for a new version of yourself. And outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality. This is why you must change at the being level. So if you do wanna join that 5-day Magnetic Identity Shift Challenge, I'll go ahead and link it below. And then also if you want a meditation for looking at this identity. One of the most powerful meditations I have is on raising your dominant vibration, and it literally has to do with you associating to a new image version of you to be it and embody the emotions. Now, one of my most popular meditations I have on my channel. Read the comments to even see what's possible and check it out right here. Listen to it for 21 days. Watch what happens.