In this personal‑development monologue, Aaron Doughty introduces the mantra “that’s your sht, not mine” as a catalyst for reclaiming personal boundaries and magnetic confidence. He shares his own struggle with over‑explaining, people‑pleasing, and guilt‑driven “yes” responses, linking these patterns to early abandonment wounds and codependent conditioning. Doughty explains how shadow‑work coaching helped him recognize the split between self (the “ones”) and others (the “zeros”), describing how un‑safe childhood experiences push energy from the lower chakras up into the head, creating neediness and manipulation. He outlines a shift in core values—from seeking external approval and significance to embracing authenticity and vulnerability—and shows how embodying one’s own frame makes a person naturally magnetic. The talk concludes with a practical activation: a frame‑meditation and an invitation to a 21‑day Magnetic Love Challenge designed to embed the new energetic pattern.
Chapters
This mantra is going to change your life in so many different ways. You're gonna look back in like 6 months from now and see that as you started reciting this mantra in your head, your energy became more magnetic and people started to respect your boundaries more. People started and stopped projecting things onto you. And you stopped feeling guilty about even setting boundaries to begin with. Now, for the longest time, one of the things that I found myself in the pattern of was over-explaining myself to people and having a very hard time saying no. People would be like, come do this. And I would like, it was not even an option to say no. It's like, well, okay, so I'm gonna have to do this. And I would like find ways of like literally expending myself just so that I could make that work because I didn't want to disapprove and get people's disapproval. So it was hard, so hard for me to say no to people. And if I did say no, I'd have to over-explain myself out of it, like I'd feel guilty, like I'm doing something wrong. I can't say no to going to someone's party or going out to stuff. And you might be like, well, Aaron, why don't you just go to the party? It sounds like fun. But there's times it's like I realized I was maybe putting my own dreams on the back burner. I was putting my own sense of self-care on the back burner because I would feel guilty, like I had to do things that I didn't necessarily wanna do. Now realize this, one of the most magnetic things you can do the thing that will change your energy more than anything else is learning that when you are in your own frame and when you are least attached to outcome, you are the most attractive. And here's the thing, the more success you create on the inside out, the more you start to feel confident, the easier it's gonna be for you to set boundaries because you will naturally need the boundaries to get to different levels of success and even different levels of being in your own frame. Now, the thing is, is many of us, what the issue of boundaries is, so this video I think is gonna change your life when it comes to understanding this concept. So I have a shadow work integration coach that I've been working with for years, about 2 or 3 years now, and it has completely transformed my own energy. I used to go out, I'd be on a hike, I'd be at fricking like just out in public, and I would feel like inclined that I had to say hi to people that I walked by. It's not a bad thing to say hi to someone, but when you're saying hi to someone to get their validation, that's needy energy. When you're going out and you're seeking validation or approval, that is needy energy that literally repels people. It's the most unattractive thing, kind of energy we could have. So one of the things that I became aware of with my shadow work coach was that this whole idea of understanding, self and other, self and other. Now self is when you're in your own frame, when you're in your own body, when you are asking yourself the question, what do I want? Who am I? What am I focused on doing? You're in your own frame. When we are focused on other, we're focused on what someone else thinks and feels, doing what someone else wants us to do, whether it's our parents or our friends or family or whatever. We're tuning to the environment and we're abandoning ourself. We're abandoning self to make other happy. And the thing that then happens is our energy goes from being at our core and powerful and magnetic to dispersed because it's going and it's trying to manipulate the outside environment. And energy that is manipulative, energy that's trying to get something to make itself feel good, That's manipulation. That's neediness. That's unattractive. That's not understanding that that is their shit, not yours. That is their stuff, not yours. This mantra, it's gonna change your life because what has happened if you're a people pleaser or an empath or somebody that feels other people or has trouble setting your own frame or even trouble setting boundaries, is back in childhood, something very interesting happened. You didn't feel safe. You didn't feel safe at a certain point in your childhood where maybe your mom or your dad became emotionally unavailable or physically abandoning. And we make a choice, we make a decision that says there's something wrong with me. And not only is there something wrong with me, but I don't feel safe. And sometimes we don't feel safe because maybe our parents felt like they had a lot of stuff going on and we then tuned to them and we were trying to fix them to then feel so that we could feel safe. So one of the things I wanna share with you that will change your life more than anything else is understanding that a lot of this is gonna stem from an abandonment wound. The abandonment wound when you were a kid, when we made the choice that there's something wrong with me and I must tune myself to others to get safety. But the challenge is that we then are doing anything we can to make other people happy, to get their approval, to get their people pleasing, whatever. We've abandoned ourselves. So really what the key to this is, is becoming aware that we've abandoned ourselves at a certain point and we stopped listening to our own intuition. We stopped listening to what we really wanna do, to being in our own frame, in our own body. And we started tuning to everything else on the outside. And I have a theory about empaths, people pleasers, and this kind of energy. What we do is we move the energy. And when we didn't feel safe, think of like, and when we talk about chakras and stuff, think about this. So we have that of the bottom 3 chakras, our root chakra, our sacral chakra, our solar plexus. And what happens is when we didn't feel safe, We felt like this, we then moved the energy up into our heads, third eye, head, and then we started to try to figure things out. How can I manipulate the outside environment to then feel safe in my body? But then we're externally looking and seeking validation and approval. And what happens is empaths simply have, and that's why a lot of empaths are very intuitive. They have intuitive ideas, they can feel other people, You know, I've been an empath most of my life and that's, it's a superpower in some ways, but in many ways it had this harsh side effect. And if you're watching this video, then most likely this mantra of that's your shit, not mine will completely transform your life because you'll realize that when you say no to someone else, if they have a problem with it, that's their stuff. You see, before you thought that was your energy because everything is other. Everything that's other you think is yourself. Because that's how you create safety. The way my shadow work coach explains it to me is think about it like ones and zeros. Imagine this sweater I'm wearing and this, imagine I have ones all over my body, which means self, means self. And then imagine everything else around me is zeros. You just see zeros everywhere. Now what happens is when I can delineate and see, oh, that's your stuff, not mine, I'm like, oh, one, that's zero, this is one. That's zero, this is one. Empaths though are so tuned to other, the zeros, that they're trying to change themselves to make other happy, to make other not feel tension, to fix other, whatever it is, so then they can just, ah, I can relax. So really there's a lack of frame with ones and a focus on other. And the answer and the key is getting more back into your body, into your own frame. Start becoming aware of what your values are, what your, who are you? What values do you choose to live by? Values are these core virtues that we live by that make up our identity. And when we've been abandoned in the past, what we do is we tend to value things that don't really benefit us. For a long time, I valued significance. I wanted to feel significant and special. So I'd make these videos and I hope people would watch them and I hope I'd get approval. And I want people to recognize me, or I want my dad to like tell me he's proud of me. Like all these things, I was searching for things on the outside to help me feel significant. On the other side of that, there was approval seeking, validation seeking. That was one of my top values I was unaware of. So I'd be looking for that in everywhere, dating, whatever it was, I wanted validation and approval because I wasn't aware that when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't get that. So now it's my need. And I would search for it in the zeros. But everything changed when I became aware of these values and I started to value more so authenticity and vulnerability. Vulnerability is real. Vulnerability is a superpower if you use it because it's real. And there's so many people nowadays out in society that aren't in a vulnerable state. And so it's so refreshing to other people when you're dating someone and they're vulnerable. So vulnerable means the ability to put yourself out there knowing you could get rejected. That's the thing, people that aren't vulnerable, they're afraid of being vulnerable because they're afraid of rejection because that would actually bring back their childhood wound. That would bring back their own fear of the abandonment that they felt from their mom or their dad. And that's the interesting thing is if you feel like you're losing your frame around other people, around an ex or a boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever, it's because you're leaving your body and you're tuning to them instead of being and tuning inside of your own body. It's not bad to be aware. If you're too much of a 1, that in an unhealthy, toxic way, that's called narcissism. That's where you have to manipulate other people in the same kind of way empaths manipulate people. They do it, but they tell them, they have strong frame and they tell them what to do. It's a more violent, aggressive way to do it, it's still a form of manipulation and control. So the key is awareness. The key with all this stuff is awareness and being able to say, oh, that's your shit, not mine. That's your stuff, not mine. And it's realizing the separation between the body and other people, other, ones and other. It changes everything when we begin to tap into this kind of energy. So realize that your own frame is the most magnetic thing you could do. When you start to become more and you stop abandoning the self and you start getting your own body, you can then separate yourself from other. You will feel way more magnetic. You will feel way more confident. And the key to being confident is to really just own, own your own insecurities, feature your flaws. As you do that, you will be magnetic. You will get a different response from people, but don't do it because of what you get out of it. Do it because it's, you're just naturally being yourself. You're being more present to the moment. You're being in your own magnetic frame. And that's something that changes absolutely everything. Now, if you do wanna become more magnetic, if you do wanna wire in a new you, let go of codependent patterns, If you do want to get inside of your own body and become embodied and release the codependent patterns, the anxious, the avoidant attachment style, so you become more secure so that you can feel self-love, self-worthiness, and emotional availability, then join my 21-day Magnetic Love Challenge. It's one of the most powerful challenges I've ever made. It's at the top of the description box or go to aarondoughty.com/love. And if you haven't yet seen the video on the frame technique, I highly recommend trying this meditation technique. It will change your life. We're gonna do this little activation exercise that you can come back to for the next 21 days and see how different your energy is. Now, before, the way that I was and the way I showed up in the world is that I was hyper, like, I was hyper-attentive.
