The POWER Of taking them OFF the pedestal & why it changes everything

Why is it the people that you're least attached to, whether they like you or not, those people might like you, but the people who you want approval or validation from, you find yourself not receiving it from them? Why is it when you let go of needing someone else's approval or validation, you many times at that point will then get it? And why is it that when you begin to shift the energy on the inside and you let go of wanting or desiring people's approval or validation, you can then begin to see what's really at play here? Now understand, the you that you give yourself permission to be around certain people where the stakes aren't high, you give yourself permission to be the real you. And when there's other people in your life who the stakes are high because you'd like them to like you, You constrict your energy and you subconsciously start being kind of weird. I remember when I first got on YouTube and I started to become and grow my YouTube channel, I started to meet other YouTubers and people that I'd been watching for years. And I remember that if I went and I projected onto them and it meant a lot if they liked me, it would create a weird imbalanced energy. And always once I started to— it started to humanize and I started to see myself not just as worthy, but See that on both sides of the spectrum here, they're just human. They've got flaws like me. Then I would connect with them. And part of it was that I would give myself permission to be the real me. And when I was the real me, it was like I was connected to myself. Then I could connect to other people. Around the people that I wanted anything from, whether it's approval or validation, That would create a projection of energy, which is also a form of control. And when you begin to shift to this energy and you let go of needing from them because you give to a part of yourself that craves it, when you let go of outcome and you start to have fun in the moment, you'll find that your life begins to change in a very powerful way. But the thing to recognize here is that there's an inner child energy that's unresolved from childhood. So no matter what happens through different phases, that energy remains the same until you resolve that energy. And in this video, I'm gonna show you how to begin resolving that energy. I'm gonna show you step by step how to switch your values into the authentic, vulnerable version of you. And I'm gonna show you how to let go of that stored energy under the surface that's actually desiring connection from you so that you can begin to integrate a lost part of yourself. And then you start to feel more calm in your own frame and not attached to how they respond. So this video is from an Instagram Live that I did. It took on a whole life of its own. I really recommend that you watch the entire thing. It takes on different nodes and different aspects of our psyche so that we can really begin to heal from the inside out. You are priming other people with how you want to be treated by how you allow yourself to be treated. So if you tolerate people with very chaotic nervous systems, if you tolerate people that are very controlling, if you tolerate people that are very demanding, what'll happen is that becomes normal to your nervous system, and then you carry that burden with you. Now even notice that as I explain this right now, it's like the energy is going up. If you tolerate people with dysregulated nervous systems, the energy going up is representative of how as kids our parents are a form of authority. And the form of authority becomes this energy dynamic that then you are subconsciously Fighting against. So part of letting people sit with tension and part of letting yourself express the real you— here's, here's why it's hard, by the way, to let people sit with tension. Not only is it that you think Not only is it that you think that their tension is your thing to manage, but there's a belief that if somebody else feels tension, it means something about you. Does that make sense? It means that there's something wrong with you. So if somebody else is coming over to you and like, I mean, if you think about it, if somebody comes up to you and they have a They have something to express to you. You could internalize what they say and think it means something about you, or you can just acknowledge that they're sharing something with you and that you don't need to internalize it. Yeah, powerful. I'm positive and my boyfriend has negative tension, and I find myself matching his tension To try to stay connected. Now, I predict that maybe was that a familiar energy in childhood where in order to be connected as a kid, even though there's maybe negative tension there, you might have— you might subconsciously match it because as a kid, maybe that also felt familiar. It's like, I will settle for this kind of connection because it's better than no connection. So my guess too is that that is like an energetic blueprint for what connection might mean. And when you look at that pattern, it might be bad to say no to that energy. It might be bad to express how you feel, and that keeps you trapped in the pattern. Sometimes tension would just feel like more energy I'd have to expel, so I try to stop it because at least I was aware that I didn't think some others were capable to be, so I would take it on. Yeah, I mean, to take it on— tension becomes a survival strategy. Okay, there was a question here. My husband is just mean and I know this. I'm a stay-at-home mom though with zero income and I don't know how to tolerate something that I can't escape. The challenge in the question itself is that there's a couple things here that you can begin to look at underneath the surface. Part of it will be that when you attract someone, if you attract someone into your life that is just mean, what parts of you is that person subconsciously trying to bring out for you to have more integrity? It's like we have unresolved energy from childhood. And what happens is the people in our life that we attract subconsciously bring this unresolved energy out as an opportunity for us to embrace a new part of ourselves. So when you say your husband is just mean, okay, there is— there may be an opportunity for you to stand up for yourself and express how you feel. There might be an opportunity for you to stand more in your own frame. There might be an opportunity to express something that you would normally not. And now the drawback to that is if you say, my husband is mean, it might mean that my husband is mean, therefore I can't express myself, therefore my feelings don't matter. And the truth in the matter is that we are the ones that subconsciously Or consciously do not give ourselves permission to actually express how we feel or what our standard or boundaries are. So when we're around different people, like, think about it, a lot of times relational dynamics can be very contextual. So you might have someone in your life, like a friend or someone you give yourself permission to be yourself around. And when you're around this person, What is your energy like? You might feel very free. You might feel like you are more silly and playful. You give yourself more permission to be the real you when you're around someone's nervous system and somebody that you give yourself permission to be around. And then you say, well, I like this person. I like this person. Well, the other thing you like is you like the person of you you give yourself permission to be when you're around this person. So it's not just that you like this person, you like the person you are when you're around them. So then you take somebody else, like a boss, an authority figure, someone you want their approval or validation, or even in the question, the mean husband. And what happens is when you're around this person, You might not give yourself permission to be the real you, and that then feels resistance, that then feels uncomfortable. And then we say, oh, this person, because they're mean, I'm not— I feel trapped and I want to escape. But really, where the pattern is, is it's inside of you. And you have the ability— you could either take this in one of two directions. One, there's certain people you're around where nervous systems might be chaotic, and maybe the answer is for you to draw a boundary and to say— just decide not to be around that energy. That could be a win for then recognizing that the reason you've allowed a certain energy to be around you for so long is because maybe as a kid You tolerated that energy. Therefore, you have a very high level of tolerance for being around high maintenance or controlling people. So on one hand, it could be to say no to the energy. I tend to believe though that if you do not resolve that energy from childhood, even if that person isn't here anymore, you will create that dynamic over here with this person and this situation or this part of your life. The pattern will follow you everywhere you go because the pattern is not just in them. The pattern is inside of you. So certain people might be in your life because the person that you give yourself permission to be around them might not be the full expressive you. And what you can learn to do is to go through a process of actually expressing the real you, even when you think the stakes are high. Expressing the real you and letting go of outcome of what they think or feel, and understanding also that they may be calling forth in you the ability to stand more in your own frame of reality. When you express how you feel, it's not, I'm expressing how I feel so that you then change or do something differently. You express how you feel because you then begin to free energy up inside of you. And you are training other people with how you want to be treated. So setting boundaries, staying in your own frame, letting people sit with tension— that's their tension, not your thing to manage. So realize the people in your life— there's some people in your life that you give yourself permission to express the real you around. Those people are easy to be around and you say, I like them. And then there's people that you're around where you might— you understand this, you are the one that is not giving yourself permission. And part of that might be because you think the stakes are high. The stakes are high when you believe their approval or validation is something that you need. You don't need it. I remember when I first got on YouTube back in the day and I started to meet other people that I've been watching on YouTube for a while. And I remember that, like, imagine watching someone on YouTube for years and then all of a sudden, you know, my YouTube channel started to blow up and then here I am like hanging out with these people. And I remember I would feel inside of my body a difference between the projection And feel what that does to my nervous system. And what would always happen is after 2 or 3 times of hanging out with someone, it's like there's more of a normalization of like them as humans. The projection begins to go away. You're like, oh, this is just a person. Everyone has like their weird quirks. Everyone has the things about themselves that kind of like make you just see them eye level instead of on the pedestal. And what was always interesting is I— the more that I would become comfortable with myself and the more I would give myself permission to be myself around these people, the more then they would connect with me. And it's almost like anytime you project anything onto someone else, you can't connect to them because there's no them. There is your image of them. And for most people in dating and relationships and in different areas of life, if there's unresolved energy from childhood, there's a projection that is happening. And that projection makes it weird. It's weird when there's a projection of energy. And we all do it in different ways. In different— we project energy when we want someone to like us, and if it repels, why is that? It's like, it's like we're giving someone a job. So if as a kid there wasn't a resolved energy around feeling worthy, whole, complete, seen and heard from mom and dad, it's like we carry this little check mark on a piece of paper, and then we go out into public and we're like, Here. Here. It's like when you're a kid and you say, do you like me, yes or no? And what happens as an adult, it's like we're going around, we're like, you know, like as a kid you pass the thing, you're like, do you like me? Check yes or no. And you pass it to the girl that you like or the guy you like or whatever, and then they pass it back and you're like, I'm worthy. If we have unresolved stuff from childhood, it's like we're subconsciously going out and we're giving everybody this little checkmark thing and we're saying, do you like me, yes or no? Here you go. And then we're just sitting there waiting for them. What are you going to pick? What are you going to pick? You know what it makes me think of? Have any of you guys ever seen Love on the Spectrum? There's this one episode where they're on blind dates, or no, they're on speed dating. They're on speed dating and this guy is like, It's like, do you like this person, yes or no? And the girl's right in front of him and she's like, I don't like— I don't like nature, I like cities, or I don't like dogs. And he immediately just goes on the thing and goes, no. He goes, no. And then that girl saw it and she got all kind of like weird because she's watching somebody that just like rejected her. And then afterwards they're like, hey, you know, you can wait till they leave to do that. But he, he didn't know, you know. But in a way, it's like that little piece of paper subconsciously, if it wasn't resolved as a kid between mom and dad, and part of it, by the way, you want to know how the inner child healing of this works? You begin to see, hear, soothe, and nurture that part of you. And as you begin to accept that part of you that wanted validation, approval, etc., Something happens in your nervous system. And what happens is then that part of you no longer searches for it on the outside. And part of searching for it on the outside is the belief that it is on the outside. Remember that little piece of paper from childhood that says, do you like me? Yes or no? That piece of paper is your paper and only you can fill it out for you. But if you believe that other people need to fill it out, you project that job onto them, which is why so often in different energy dynamics, people that want validation and approval from someone else are projecting energy at them, and it repels because it's resistance and it's a form of control, and no one wants to be controlled. So anytime you want someone to like you, you want something from them. And it repels. It's a projection of energy. And really, subconsciously, underneath the surface, what's desired is your inner child wants to be accepted by you and only you. But every time we abandon ourselves, we then abandon ourselves for other people. And then you might wonder, why are other people abandoning me even though I'm trying so hard? Why? I'm doing everything for everybody else. I'm giving, I'm pleasing, I'm perfect, whatever the pattern is. That's a conditional pattern that creates a projection of energy. It's projecting energy onto people, giving them the job, the burden of having the piece of paper saying, fill out this paper for me. So, imagine every— if you go looking for that from people, it's like you're like, here's a pen, here's a piece of paper, please fill this out right now. What would you do if somebody came up to you at the grocery store or you had just some little talk with someone and somebody came up to you and was like, I get what you're saying right now, but I need you to fill this out right now. And then you give them a piece of paper and you give them a pen and it says, do you like me? Yes or no? And then you're sitting there watching them, kind of like that guy from Love on the Spectrum, you know, like watching to see what happens. And then if they say no, there's something wrong with me. People will tend to reflect back the ways in which we relate to ourselves. So the cool thing is that when you begin to fill out your own paper because you begin liking you, You begin choosing you. You then put it in your pocket, and then you don't need them to fill out the paper. Now, this is why people who have magnetic energy are the least attached to whether you fill out their paper or not, because you, you filling out their paper actually also means very little about them. Take that the other way around. You think that if you give a piece of paper that says, do you like me or not, the inner child stuff, and you give it to someone else and they push yes or no, whether they say yes or no doesn't mean anything about you unless you choose to give that authority, unless you choose to project that energy. So we will project energy when there's unresolved stuff from childhood. So when I was talking earlier about like when I first got big on YouTube and I started to meet people that I've been watching for years, there was the energy, the projection at first was like, oh, now like there's a little bit of imposter syndrome for a moment. I remember meeting people and it was like, it was hard to connect because I could tell that like it meant something. Like now that I'm with this person, it means I've made it. I am enough. I am worthy. Projection of energy. But I would never really feel connected until like 2 or 3 times of meeting someone. And then I was just completely myself. And I was like, oh, this was a real— this is a person. They're human. They've got flaws just like me. Off the pedestal, off the projection. And then I just give myself permission to be me. And what's funny is, as I was unattached, did not care one way or the other, How the interaction went, that's when I would connect with people. And then I'd say, oh, I like being around this person. Once again, the common denominator is that I would give myself permission to be me. And when I finally gave myself permission to be me, that connection, that, that, that deeper connection was there. But it was also just a deeper connection inside of myself because I was finally giving myself permission to be the real me. So people in our lives are reflecting back our relationship to ourself. And the challenge is that sometimes we project energy, we project energy outwards, wanting an internal resolve of energy, not recognizing that that's not their job. That's not their job. That's not my job. And it's like, if you imagine that, like, nobody can really actually validate or approve of you. So you can give them that paper. Do you like me? Yes or no? Hey, here's the paper. Please fill it out. Hurry up. Nobody can really give you that. And it means like, like it's just, it's a way of always putting the power outside of you and always making it just a little bit weird. It makes it weird. I know there's, there's time you can feel that energy when there's that expectation there, and that, that expectation repels. Because it's also a subconscious form of control. It's a subconscious form of control. Think of somebody that's— think of like a nice guy or a people pleaser. Hey, think of even that language pattern right there, or the way of saying that. Like, I used to sell women's shoes back in the day before I got on YouTube. And if I was greeting a customer and I was like, hey, how are you? Repelled energy. Less is more. Hey. Hi. How? What's up? No attachment to outcome. Just being centered, cool, having fun, playing around. The days that I had the best day when I was selling women's shoes and it was a commission job, so I could see the difference between how much money I would make when I was just having fun and was present to the moment. Versus, hey, how are you? I have an agenda. You will add money to my paycheck. Yay! Who do I need to be to get you to buy shoes? Because cha-ching, then I make commission. That's an agenda. Now take that to the little paper that's like, do you like me? Yes or no? Hey, do you like me? Here's the paper. I remember one time I got a— I remember one of the first times I ever got pulled over and got a ticket, and this is like when I was real young, and I remember I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, officer. I didn't know I was speeding. And I remember I got a ticket, and I remember like 3 or 4 years later, I was on the freeway and I got pulled over, and I was like, what's up? Like, the cop, like, whatever, pulled me over and he's like, you kind of swerved in the other lane or something like that. I was like, oh, I don't know. I didn't know. I didn't know I did that. I'm sorry. I was like centered inside myself and the cop ended up letting me go. It was actually though, it was actually, I got lucky. I almost, I was switching a song on my phone. I wasn't texting on my phone, but I was switching a song on my phone. And that's why I kind of swerved into a lane. And then when the cop pulled me over, I almost told him that. I was like, oh yeah, I was twitching the song on my phone. I'm glad I didn't because I would have got a ticket. But funny enough, I remember I was just centered inside of myself. I'm like, oh, my bad. No, I was just driving. He's like, okay, just making sure everything's good and just let me go. But there's a difference in energy when you're centered inside of yourself and you don't need anything from somebody else because you're subconsciously trying to resolve energy To meet your own needs. And now think about, think about the difference too. You think of a nice guy people pleaser who's giving to get. Part of their identity, by the way, many times is that they are good. It is good to be nice. It is good to abandon yourself. It is good to have repressed anger underneath the surface. That was good as a kid. But now it's not good now, which is why it's actually to be authentic. To be authentic is the value. You want to be authentic. If you're— here's the cool thing. If you're authentic and you give yourself permission to be you, even if other people don't like it or they don't resonate with it, you recognize that you're being authentic and this is the real you. It feels good to be the real you. So you like you. And as you like you, you then don't need them to like you in the same way. Of course, it's nice. Let's be honest, it's nice when people like you. It's nice to get positive comments or positive reinforcement. But when you like you and you're not attached, you'll get more of it because you're not trying to subconsciously control people. There's no manipulation happening. So, living according to the values of vulnerability and authenticity is like a North Star where you get to embody this version of you. And whether people resonate with it or not, that's not your thing to manage. Think about it too when I was talking about the— like when I— if I go to work back in the day when I had that sales job, if I went into work and I was like, hey, how are you? There's an agenda there. You can feel it. It's repulsive. It's very icky. It's icky, icky. You don't want to be around people that are like, hey, so I was wondering. You don't want that energy. But when you let people— when you realize that whether they— like in that sales job, people bought or not didn't mean I was worthy or not. But so, it's the difference between outcome dependence And in the moment, having fun, authentic connection. Anytime you want something from someone else, a validation, approval, etc., it's outcome— it's outcome-focused. When you're being the real you, having fun with the process and authentic, you're more calm, regulated in your nervous system, you're more magnetic, and it— it's more enjoyable. It's more enjoyable. And the best days that I used to have, funny enough, the best days I used to have when I sold women's shoes were the days I had the most fun and the days I was in the most flow. The best live events that I've ever ran, what do you think were the characteristics of that? The best live events I ever ran were the ones I had the most fun and I was in the most flow and I was just being the real me. I gave myself permission. It's the most fun. Which live videos like this do you think are the ones that probably not just do the best because that's outcome-focused, but the videos that I have the most fun, you will enjoy watching more? I guarantee it. The ones I'm in the most flow and the ones I'm having the most fun, then everything kind of happens. So you think of it too, like people pleasing, overgiving, perfectionism, these core patterns from childhood, they all come with an outcome dependence. And the outcome dependence is approval and validation. And when we begin to instead resolve that energy by seeing, hearing, soothing, and nurturing that part of ourselves, What we'll find is we then create inside of ourselves a more regulated nervous system where we're not attached to what people do in the same way, and we, we more so surrender to the fun in the moment. We surrender to just choosing to be ourselves instead of abandoning ourselves. I'm scrolling down now. Sometimes I get in these flow states and then I— there's a whole bunch of comments that come in. So permission. So remember, different people in your life, you are, you are a different version of you when you're around certain people. You're a different version of you when you're around your best friend. You're a different version of you when you're around a boss or someone that you have unresolved energy with. And the version of you that you give yourself permission to be is at times it's you like to be around your friends and people that you're close with because you give yourself permission to be that version of you. So you say, I like you, but really you— I like you and I like me. I get to be around you. You like that version of you. So then when you talk about other people in your life that come with that resistance, There is, it's not always that the answer is to just being around these people. It's like there are times where your sense of self-worth is becoming aware that when you tolerate toxic dynamics, controlling dynamics, part of it is you have a high tolerance because that in childhood may have been familiar, normal. Sometimes it can be to cut that energy out. At other times, it could be for you to give yourself permission to be that real you Even when you're around them and the stakes are high. But the stakes are only high because you project that the stakes are high. So the power is in you giving yourself permission to express the real you. Vulnerability, authenticity become the North Stars. When you think of someone that's a nice guy or a people pleaser, they abandon themselves every day to make everyone else happy, which doesn't feel very safe to other people's nervous systems, by the way. Have any of you ever been around someone who's really nice? Hey, how are you? That nice energy ain't so nice. The nice energy is an agenda. And if you find yourself, by the way, with that either people pleaser or nice energy at times, Very powerful thing to recognize is to recognize that there's a part of you that if you begin to see, hear, soothe, and accept, and you begin to in a way embrace what I call the dark side, the dark side, you, you start, you start going towards authenticity instead of approval. Means your initiation will be, by the way, you being authentically you, expressing the real you, not fixing, etc., will come with tension as an initiation into the new you. And it's a whole new world when you begin to shift into that energy. So accepting that part of you, recognizing that it's not so nice to abandon you. People respect— even tension's not bad, and people respect people who have strong boundaries, who aren't afraid to express themselves. I used to work with this chick in— when I used to work at Nordstrom's in women's shoes, her name was Ursula. She was this chick from— she was this older lady at the time, much older than me. She had kids. She was from the Bay Area, and she was very blunt. She was very to the point, and you either liked her or you did not like her at all. But I remember I always respected her, and I liked that she spoke up and she said what she felt. And you never knew— you never— there was no niceness. You knew where she stood. So everyone tap into your little inner Ursula. It's good to let people know where you stand, to let people know how you feel. It's not so good to you when you abandon yourself. Yeah. So yeah, people are mirroring our energy. So integrating this energy could be so powerful. So other than that, do you guys have fun today? I've got to go live here in a bit. I'm going to like a transformation thing. I'm going away for like a week soon. So I've been like going live a lot, making lots of content so that I can like check out because I won't have my phone or anything for like a week. Isn't that crazy? What am I going to do? I'm going to dopamine detox, baby. So anyways, thank you guys all for being here. This is fun. And we'll do this again soon. Let me know if you guys want to do this again soon. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows? We'll see. The world is our oyster, okay? The world is our oyster. Yeah, no hat today. You gotta keep it— I gotta keep you guys on your toes because you guys care if I wear a hat or not, you know? It's like very, very important. It's very important. I'm just kidding. Anyways, thank you guys for being here. Had fun with you guys. I'll see you guys soon. Peace, much love. Namaste.