the secret to attracting love and having irresistible energy: Polarity and Presence
In this monologue Aaron Doughty argues that the main obstacle to attracting love is a subconscious dis‑ownership of either masculine or feminine aspects of the self. Drawing on Carl Jung’s anima/animus theory, he explains how polarity wounding—often rooted in childhood attachment patterns such as a passive father or controlling mother—creates a mirror‑dynamic that draws partners who embody the opposite, unintegrated polarity. He illustrates the concept with personal stories from his 2012 spiritual awakening, describing how an abrupt shift toward feminine energy caused him to attract overly masculine women, and how later re‑balancing toward masculine presence restored magnetic attraction. Doughty expands the model to common gendered patterns (men over‑identifying with the feminine, women over‑identifying with the masculine) and to the over‑giver/overtaker dynamic that stems from unmet childhood needs for validation. Practical remedies include inner‑child work, nervous‑system repatterning, setting clear boundaries, cultivating embodied presence, and consciously embodying the neglected polarity. He emphasizes forgiveness, especially through the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono practice ("I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you"), as a way to clear parental wounds, lower energetic shields, and amplify magnetic energy. The video concludes with a call to watch a dedicated Ho’oponopono meditation for deeper transformation.
Chapters
What if the biggest block to attracting love is that you have subconsciously disowned the feminine or masculine part of yourself? And what if the people you're attracting in your life are reflective of that lost polarity inside of you? What if you could go about in a healthy way integrating either masculine or feminine energy And what if as a result, you had more magnetic energy than you've ever had in your life? And what if then you easily attract the polarity that you are intending for? So in this video, I'm gonna be sharing with you one of the most underrated ideas from Carl Jung, in my opinion, who's a psychologist that talked a lot about this unconscious part of our psyche that explains so much when people have trouble attracting love. Now, one of the first things I wanna point to is people ask, why do I attract feminine men or masculine women? And it has to do with understanding your polarity wounding and what Carl Jung calls the anima and the animus. Now, first off, when I was going through my spiritual awakening in 2012, I experienced this. I went through a process of awakening, becoming aware that my thoughts create reality. I started meditating very quickly. Within weeks, I was starting to become a completely different version of myself. I went from drinking and smoking and taking Adderall for ADHD to giving all of that up and just meditating and observing my thoughts. Now in that moment as well, one of the things that happened is I started to, in a way, embrace more of the feminine side that I had disowned for so long. And this is very common that happens during a spiritual awakening. This is why men will find themselves going through a phase of more so feminine integration. And this is why you can then sometimes see men that you're like, oh, this is a, a feminine, spiritual kind of floaty guy that's like, do you wanna come over and have a tea ceremony or something like that? And then on the other side of that, women may go through this and their version of it is they become more focused on creating their business. I'm going to be an individual that creates my business and does not need a man. I'm gonna be in my power. And what happens is then, they go about and they may attract feminine men and they go, why is this happening? And then feminine men may attract women that are overly independent and that can't rely or allow the man to be feminine, to be masculine. And they go, why do I have, why does this keep happening? Well, it's happening because it's a mirror of the disowned polarity inside of yourself. So the way this looked like for me in 2012 is I went through this process where I became, within a week or two of meditating, I started to have different insights. I became vegan at that time. So I started looking very different. I also started, I was just meditating in the sun and there were just certain traits I was taking on where I was all about going with the flow, learning about spirituality. And what happened is for a period of time, I would find myself attracting women that were also overly in their masculine as a reflection of me going more into my feminine. So what I would do is I'd find myself attracting women that in a way had a masculine shield up because they had become the masculine. And in a way I had a feminine shield up because I had become that feminine aspect of me. I was going into it to subconsciously heal it. And that's what women are subconsciously doing. Now, beyond this though, this is also something that happens as a result of not feeling safe in childhood. And what happens is if you had a passive dad or a controlling mom or vice versa, that can cause you to develop a certain survival pattern that has you attracting that in relationships. So I was attracting overly, like overly ambitious women. And by the way, they were amazing. I'm just saying that this was the pattern and this was a reflection for me to more so go into my own masculine to heal the feminine, but then to lean more into my nervous system of being more in my masculine because sometimes the thing that we're avoiding our subconscious will tell us this is something that we have to avoid, but really there's a deeper subconscious thing there. And I'll share a story about that in a minute. But for me, this was my pattern and this was something I then went through a phase of almost masculine reintegration where I got more, I realized that what I would, my pattern in relationship was, there was a relationship where it's like I attracted somebody that was very independent in that other side of that masculine energy of embodying that masculine energy within the feminine, within their feminine body. But what happened is there was a belief there that in a way I would, there was also a pattern of like trying to fix or help or being very nurturing. And on the other side, it was, I don't trust, subconsciously, I don't trust the masculine. So it was like this play of energy. But what was happening is I was also avoiding my own work of my own direction. And even in some ways, I would put my purpose to the side to focus on this person. So it would take me out of my masculine. And what I eventually had to do is I eventually had to come back to myself, my center, and be in a calm, present way focused on embodying my own masculine energy. Which means leaning into tension. For me, it meant setting boundaries, something sometimes we don't learn growing up, which is a kind of like a way of creating safety is creating powerful boundaries within yourself. That meant setting boundaries with friends, rebalancing out certain energetics. That meant me being on my own frame of reality and not modifying it for a relationship. Doesn't mean, by the way, you can't make like adjustments, but I'm not gonna abandon it to fix someone else and make this my project. And when I started coming back to my center and I started becoming more present within my own body, that natural masculine energy began to return. And now it's like I'm able to really confidently be in that leadership energy, but I had to go to the other side to look at it. And you'll see this very often happen with women. Well, what they'll do is they'll go through a phase where they become very individual. They become very much focused on creating, like their business in a way becomes a safety mechanism for never needing a man. Think about that for a minute. This is what I see happen a lot is that women go through a spiritual awakening As a kid, maybe dad wasn't emotionally present, so there was a belief there or an energy there that said, who do I need to be in order to meet this need inside of myself? Well, if I'm owning my own business and very in charge and I've got all these spreadsheets and all of this stuff, then what ends up happening is I can feel safe and I don't need a man. But what can happen is that can eventually feel very dysregulating to the nervous system. And what you'll find is that often women then feel burnt out. But what if you could still own a business but be in your feminine energy? What if there was a different way to go about it by being more receptive to masculine energy, more open, and you take down the shield to masculine energy, and then you could feel more free inside of your body? Which is magnetic. So when we talk about this, this is why this happens. It's because they mirror your polarity. They are mirroring your polarity. If you have a disowned masculine or feminine part of you and you are disowning or owning a certain aspect of yourself that you're embodying, you're attracting somebody else that has that other repressed side. So in a way, I could look back and see that the woman that I attracted that was overly in their independent energy, it's almost like that was part of the medicine that I needed to give to myself. And also there was a healing that was happening as I was changing my— looking at my relationship with feminine energy. And for me, feminine energy didn't feel very safe growing up because that feminine energy was rooted partially in manipulation because of the whole ex-stepmom thing and the control that was there. So it's like, what does it feel like to receive unconditional love and nurturing? Love as a kid was very conditional and it wasn't safe. So that energy then became something that was, unconsciously on the inside. So the polarity flip normally happens post-awakening. You go through a spiritual awakening, you start to become aware of your shadow patterns, and then you start becoming aware of this dynamic and you're like, oh, I'm leaning towards this side or this side. And to heal it, it's very important to understand some of the pattern and how you could embody the other side of it. For example, if I were to look at one of the most common things I see in this polarity-like dynamic in the childhood pattern, this changes everything when you learn about this, by the way, helps you understand much more about yourself and much more about your own patterns. Very often what could happen is you may have one passive parent and one controlling parent. And what that could mean is you maybe had a passive father or subservient mother who maybe didn't have a voice, maybe wasn't able to express themselves at all, or a father that was trying to please. Therefore, if someone is trying to please, normally they'll find somebody that's hard to please because that's the project that they know, that's the project they signed up for. That's the game they've learned to play. So the controlling, hard-to-please person, the parent, attracts the passive parent that is playing that game, and they're opposite sides of the coin. And what happens is there are times where then you can become aware that in that dynamic, as a kid, you have learned from these dynamics. So for example, as a kid, for me, the model that I had for masculine energy was a dad that was very good at what he did in business, but in his relationship, was more passive and would allow someone else to take control. And then he would feel like he had to please the person. So that model was something I acknowledged growing up. And in a weird way, I also judged it because I remember growing up and even as an adult feeling like that was weak. And I would reject also that there were aspects of my own consciousness that was embodying some of that energy. So what I judged was also something I subconsciously did. And then what would happen is growing up, even after my ex-stepmom left my life, I attracted controlling managers, couple ex-girlfriends that were controlling, and I was playing that game, trying to please. It felt safe and comfortable to please and attract this kind of energy. That was what I knew. And it was the opposite side of it. So what can happen is if there was a controlling person growing up, controlling parent and a passive parent, You may have associated control with masculine energy or control with feminine energy and passive with masculine energy or feminine energy. And you may have judged it and said, I'm not gonna be passive like my mom, I'm not gonna be passive like my dad, so I'm gonna overly do this and I can't trust this energy over here. So do you see how this is like an opposite energy where there's actually something to learn? And one of the things that Carl Jung talks about to do this is to become aware of your subconscious belief and energy around masculine and feminine energy. So looking at this, men will a lot of times reject the masculine inside of themselves, and then women will reject the feminine inside of themselves. And as a, an opposite side of that, they'll then own the feminine, the woman will then own the masculine. So it's almost like men become the feminine, women become the masculine because it's safer than attracting someone else that can cause relational trauma. But at the effect of that, you then end up attracting relationships that don't have polarity. So it's kind of like blah. And this is, by the way, you'll see women that will say this, I've heard this before. Well, a woman will say, well, I want somebody that is in their masculine that's spiritual. The challenge is that I'm not attracted to that at the core. Like they're not attracted to the person that does have the values of spirituality, maybe feminine, and they're like, I'm not attracted to that. So I'm gonna go for someone that's not very spiritual but attracts that masculine energy, but then there's no depth, which is very interesting. And on the men's side of that, that can also happen as well where it's the opposite. So the thing to become aware of here is that the more you become whole inside of yourself and you embody your feminine energy or masculine energy, the more you will attract the reciprocal energy of that. The mirror, you'll get a mirror reflection of that wholeness. So the only reason you're not finding that is because reality is a mirror. The more I have embodied my own masculine energy, the more I have then attracted more feminine women. Also women that trust the masculine. And that's something that I hear often is when people like might be around someone says, I feel very safe, I feel very comfortable around you. And part of the reason too is what I've had to learn from the past is in the past, there was like a codependent energy there where I'd find myself trying to control dynamics, trying to like prove myself to other people. And when I stopped doing that and I started feeling safe inside of my body, that control went away. And then because I felt calm in my body, the woman I was with would feel calm in her body. And then that attraction is there because it's coming from wholeness, not trying to control. But if as a kid, control was one of the dynamics, you will either reject or embody a certain level of control instead of a overt level of control. This is interesting. So as a kid controlling ex-stepmom that was manipulative, It's like, okay, that's overt, that was painful, I don't wanna be like that. But subconsciously towards myself, there was like an energy of wanting to control what people thought of me, wanting to control people's perception of me, wanting to control to be enough so that people will stick around and not abandon. But that's like a COVID side of the same coin. So one thing I had to learn is through the process of awakening and becoming aware of my shadow, I had to become aware that there was a part of myself that wanted things from other people and subconsciously would color it with, oh, I'm just a giver. You know, people say this sometimes, people that overgive tend to attract people that overtake. Because they're opposite sides of the same coin and they're playing the same game. The game is I overgive. And here's the thing about overgivers. Often overgivers are getting a payoff from overgiving. They get to be the good person. They get to be the person that is easing tension. They get to be the person that then is taking validation and approval. So when people say they're over-givers, understand they're also subconscious takers, and then they attract entitled people. Now, I'm not saying this to make you feel more shame if you're an over-giver, by the way. The reason I'm saying this is because Become aware that our definitions create our reality. And if we say, I am an overgiver, I am a horrible receiver, those are definitions that create our reality. Well, in fact, if you overgive, you are wanting to take validation and approval. And what I'm recommending to you is to become aware that maybe that belief isn't so true. Maybe there's an aspect of your inner child self that overgave because they believed that to be worthy, they had to overgive. And what you could begin doing is being present with that inner child, being present with that part of yourself. And as you do that, you may find you start to feel, oh, I don't have to do anything to feel worthy. Actually, my voice matters. Actually, instead of wanting validation and approval from them, I'm gonna give it to myself and I'm gonna choose my values and I'm gonna like me because I respect me. And then you start wiring in reciprocal relationships where there is a balance there instead of overgiving and then feeling depleted and attracting overtakers. Now, it was interesting when I was learning about overgivers and overtakers, I was like, I remember working at ChatGPT, I was like really trying to understand the overtaking energy. And what happened is as a kid, if you didn't receive love, there's almost like two different meanings you can make. If he didn't receive unconditional love as a kid or feel validated, you could have said, I need to overgive to get my needs met. And someone else said, well, my needs aren't gonna be met, so I'm gonna need to take, I'm gonna need to demand, I'm gonna need to control. They're opposite sides of the same coin. So if things didn't feel safe as a kid, they may literally believe I must take in order to get my needs met. So it's also a survival mechanism. And it helped me understand that that was the subconscious part of the person. Helped me understand a little bit more, and there's actually something to learn, and part of that for me was not to take, but it was to not be afraid of asking, to not be afraid of expressing myself. So someone that you may, like I remember I had someone came to my house once, It's an old friend and it was actually this house and I have this fridge in this house that has like all these drinks in it. And he came over and he grabbed, he just like grabbed a kombucha and he drank like this much of it and then he would like put it down here and then he would like go around. And then what happened is like 30 minutes later, he would go back to the fridge and grab another one and open it and then drink a little bit of it and leave it over here. And I'm thinking to myself like, these are like $4 each. Like I'm abundant in everything, but like it felt to me entitled to just grab a drink and drink it and put it and grab a drink and drink it and put it over here. Like you're gonna drink what I did drink it. Don't like empty my fridge of like all the drinks just because they're there. I was like, that feels entitled. Now also I was like, if I went to a friend's house, I would never do that. I'm so good. And I was like, you know what? Even if I wanted to drink at a friend's house, I probably wouldn't even, ask, or maybe I would ask, but it's like I would never do that because I think that was also coming from an unawareness, like an unconsciousness. However, I became aware, you know, there's actually expressing myself, being vulnerable, and realizing I'm worthy to like, you know, maybe not be unconscious and just drink someone's drink and then keep leaving and wasting them. But you kind of get the point. Like, there was actually a lesson in there where I could be a little bit of that energy in a healthy way Not the unconscious toxic way, but do you see what I mean? So with the anima and the animus, they're these opposite sides that we can begin to embody and realize there's a lesson there. There's an energy there that we could then begin to integrate. Now, if it's a controlling or a passive energy, now I'll share a little story. It's just funny. I was talking to a friend recently that has a business, very successful business. And she was talking to me about how when she started her business, she was, she has all these employees that she hired a while ago. And some of those employees she pays like very, very well, almost so well that it doesn't make sense in the industry. You know, I've been in the business a long time. I've had employees and it's like she was paying somebody, you know, she's paying somebody basically a customer service person, paying them like $60,000 a year for 10 hours a week. And it's something that normally in this industry that I'm in, like you could pay somebody, like it just doesn't require that level of payment. But her story or her energy was like, but I love this person. But if, you know, it feels, I love this person. And there were 2 or 3 people on her team that she was paying probably 40% over the industry average, but it was like, I love them. And when we were working it back, what we realized is part of that love and part of that energy was also rooted in like an energy of if I overpay them, then they'll never gonna leave, which she was actually willing to do 'cause she's like, oh, it makes my life simpler. Okay. And from my perspective, it might be a little bit leaky if there's not clear expectations because also every time it's their birthday, they expect, it's like they expect a certain type of gift. It's like they've just gotten so used to it. And also the thing that we became aware of is what may have subconsciously been being avoided was an uncomfortable conversation. I'm like, well, what if instead of, you know, what if, 'cause she just kept giving them bonuses and bonuses and bonuses for some positions that maybe don't have like performance bonuses connected to it and they weren't even performance bonuses. Basically what she became aware of is there was a way to have conversations and that was what was being in a way not rejected, but not embraced, not integrated, is there could have been a way of leaning into more of connecting to clear communication that then allows safety inside of her body. Because I'm like, just make sure that you don't resent long-term because even though they're getting a really, really, really good deal, you might not feel good. Moving forward if you know that there's an imbalance. That's why it's important to be vulnerable and speak, but you won't even see it as an option if you weren't given that option as a kid. So the key is realizing that where is my breakthrough here? Where is the opportunity for me to grow? Because when you look at these different aspects of your psyche, whether that is the masculine side that you may reject or embody or the feminine side that you may reject or embody, Maybe there's negative beliefs about either side. So for example, if women represent control, you'll attract women that are controlling. If men represent passive and emotionally unavailable, you'll attract that, or you'll rebel against it and just become hyper-independent. So the important thing to realize about these dynamics is your beliefs about mom your beliefs about dad are also similar to your beliefs around masculine or feminine energy. And if you reject mom or you reject dad, you might find yourself rejecting relationships, rejecting your own polarity, wondering why am I not attracting masculine men or feminine women? So my advice and the way to go about healing this energy is doing the inner child work, doing the inner child work. And what you could begin doing is realize that when you nurture, soothe, hear, and are present with that inner child part of you, that can have a very powerful effect on feeling safe inside of your body. But then what you could begin doing is repatterning your nervous system, not just from your mind. You might say, okay, I'm feeling very independent, I'm gonna be more, feminine, and that means that I need to like just, you know, it's not just the mind of like, I'm gonna go take a bubble bath. It's the thing I'm gonna do. That can help you soften up, but you want to more so focus on feeling inside of your body. And for men, that means getting to your gravity of presence, of being present. Instead of being with someone trying to wonder if they like you or not, be with someone else and be present in your body. You will be more magnetic to the feminine the more present you are. The more safe you feel in your body, the more women or the feminine energy will be attracted to you because then they feel more safe. And when they feel more safe, you allow them to be more feminine. And on the opposite side of that, for women, the more you are in your feminine, the more you are soft, the more you learn to trust the masculine part of yourself, but learn, you more trust inside of your body, what you can then do is you're then allowed to be, you're able to be more receptive. Instead of trying to control, have a business and have all the spreadsheets, you might find yourself softening up on the inside, having a new nervous system response. As you breathe into that, as you connect to nature more, as you look at the divine mother, the divine father. These are also aspects of your consciousness you can connect to. And when you do connect to it, you'll find that then you begin to become more whole inside of yourself. But the other thing that I'd recommend here that will completely transform your life is learning to forgive and use a process called Ho'oponopono for healing your connection to mom or dad or masculine or feminine energy. When I forgave my ex-stepmom, that's when I started attracting different types of people in my life, and that's when I was able to then integrate and relate to a different aspect of my own feminine nature so that I could then feel safe in my masculine again. So maybe on the other side of you being more feminine, it has to do with really forgiving dad or mom. So Ho'oponopono is one of the most powerful processes I've ever found for this. It involves 4 simple statements. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. It has to do with clearing out your energetic field and letting go of resentments inside of your field. And it has to do with then allowing your heart to begin opening more because the masculine or the feminine shield that is blocking love from coming in is there as a protection mechanism. But part of it's because you've been hurt from mom and dad before. And if that's the energy, that's the shield, you can begin taking that down by integrating and realizing the outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality. And Ho'oponopono is your conversation with God. With the divine. The more you recognize and turn your attention, your searchlights normally going out towards the external, looking for love, looking for the opposite side of the other polarity, et cetera, the more you turn those searchlights inside and you start focusing on your connection to God, the divine, something larger or greater than you, the more you allow this energy to flow through, the more you'll get into a flow state. The more you'll allow that presence inside of your body, the more whole you will feel. And when you feel more whole because your connection with something greater than you is inside of your body, you will be magnetic. So it's an interesting thing because when you make other people your God, subconsciously, because mom and dad may have not met your conditions growing up of feeling worthy, or there was unconditional love growing up, If you didn't receive it, you then look for it and other people literally become your subconscious metaphorical God. And then you're kind of like praising them, wanting them to be different. You keep attracting on the outside this energy, whatever, control. How do I control inside of myself to attract to this? I want it masculine or feminine. It's not about control. It's about your connection to spirit, your connection to something greater than you. It's why meditation is so powerful. This is why feeling inside of your body is so powerful. This is why becoming aware of the psyche is so powerful. This is why inner child healing is so powerful, because you're going deeper. So I do have a video on Ho'oponopono with a meditation that I'll share with you at the end of that video. It's one of my most popular videos for healing. It's one of the things I get asked, and people tell me changes their life so much. Has to do with understanding that reality is Literally the story I tell in this video on Ho'oponopono can completely shift your perspective about reality is of how the, the, this ancient Hawaiian technique has become modernized from this man named Dr. Hew Len that basically found that people were reflective of his belief about himself and his belief about them. And I share that in the video and I show you exactly how you can use Ho'oponopono to completely transform your life from the inside out. It's the next step towards your transformation. If you wanna check out this video, watch it all the way through, do the meditation at the end right here.
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