The SURPRISING REASON You Attract Emotionally Unavailable People...

People in your life are reflecting back to you your own level of emotional, either availability or emotional tolerability. And in this video, I'm gonna show you how to break out of the box of attracting only emotionally unavailable people, maybe people that wanna manipulate your energy. And what I share with you in this video will completely transform your ability to not only experience more emotionally available people, but also open up yourself to a completely new level of depth, connection, and respect. Here's an idea that I learned a couple days ago that has completely changed my perspective on understanding all relationships. And that is, we attract people into our lives that are expressing the emotion that we are repressing. Let me say it again. So the emotions we've repressed in our bodies, the emotions we've repressed and not allowed ourselves to feel, we attract people into our lives that are expressing that in some form. And this is something that's interesting because I just got done doing a whole entire week of plant medicine ceremonies in Costa Rica. I do it 2 or 3 times a year. It's like these retreats where we bring in these plant medicine people and stuff like that. And anyways, we do, these plant medicines like ayahuasca and San Pedro that just bring out this emotion. And one of the things and challenges in my own life has been becoming emotionally available. Because what I've realized is either I would attract emotionally unavailable people that weren't able to really choose me, mainly by the way, because I wasn't choosing myself. This is the tricky thing of this whole thing, by the way. But what I realized is I was with some friends and my group of friends that I do these retreats with, and I realized that my best friend Victor is extraordinarily emotionally expressive. My friend Matt is also extraordinarily expressive. My girlfriend Heather is extraordinarily emotionally expressive. And it's interesting because I think we attract people into our lives to reflect back to us energy that maybe we can learn. So there's actually something to learn from the emotionally unavailable people that we may have in our lives. This was hard for me to look at at first because back in the day, my story was that, you know, I've just, I was actually honestly, if I'm being honest with myself, I was more so emotionally needy than I was emotionally secure. So in a way I was desiring and wanting the validation of people in my life. And I find myself losing my own sense of frame and feeling kind of codependent based on theirs. But what I realized is my story was, well, They just aren't doing the work. They're not emotionally available. And that was my story. And it was always a story about other people. It was never about myself. That was another disempowering part of it. One of the things I had to wake up to though, is that the reason I was attracting emotionally unavailable people in my life is because one of two things, either I was tolerating and I thought that I was only worthy of having people that were emotionally available. That was the first part. Think about it. Someone that really is confident in their own frame, knows their own sense of self-worth, they probably wouldn't tolerate that of an emotionally unavailable person that maybe wasn't choosing them. But at the same time, what I realized is that was the first part of it. The second part of it is that I myself was emotionally unavailable. The thing with this whole thing and the interesting part of this is that if someone is attracting emotionally unavailable people into their life and tolerating it, it's most likely because that's a projection of some degree of emotional unavailability. So it's about realizing that some of the emotions growing up as children, we have familiarized certain ways of relating. And if you had a parent or parents that were emotionally unavailable, you will probably think that the only thing you are worthy of is another parent or another person, a partner that is also emotionally unavailable because we familiarized it. I was watching, I was on my way home from Costa Rica yesterday on a flight and I was watching this documentary on this UFC fighter whose name is, his last name is Bisping, Michael Bisping. And he's like this amazing fighter. He was a champion for a while and he has a pretty crazy story. He actually, got kicked so hard that he lost the vision in one of his eyes, was told you're never gonna fight again. You're never gonna be a champion or anything. For years he was depressed and then he was told by one doctor that maybe he can see and he had to fake his way to being able to see and he won a championship out of only being able to see out one eye. It was crazy. But anyways, he was talking about how growing up he went through a lot of trauma with his mom and his dad. And he remembered the first time he went to his girlfriend's he met his girlfriend, who's now his wife, and they just had this amazing love story and she was just super supportive of him. And one of the first times he went to her dinner, a dinner with her family, he said it was so weird because he was waiting for someone in her family to like just start throwing food at each other, to start cursing at each other, to start having this toxic dynamic. But everyone just respected each other and ate. And he felt like he didn't deserve his wife. He felt like he wasn't worthy of it. But what's interesting is sometimes what happens is we familiarize certain emotions and certain energies and we expect it. And if we don't get it, we then think there's something wrong. I had a girlfriend, one of my first girlfriends in high school. I remember I was like, we were in a relationship for a couple months and then she just eventually said to me, she was like, aren't we supposed to be fighting or something like that? Aren't we supposed to be arguing? Her perspective was she was literally bored because we weren't arguing. Now, another part of that I can see is I wasn't really, I was 17 or 18 years old. I wasn't in my masculine energy at that time for sure. So I could see different aspects of that energy dynamic. But at the same time, I can also see that sometimes we feel like we need some type of resistance, some type of emotional pain or something for us to actually not be bored. So the lesson of this, and the reason I share this is we have familiarized many times and maybe somewhat addicted to chaoticness because we had chaoticness growing up. So it's like we're looking for it on the outside. And when we attract people that are emotionally unavailable, it's because there's a familiar energy dynamic that's there that reminds us of when we were kids. So the part of this video that's really important to understand for it, that'll really open you up, is really getting to the core of your own heart and realizing that the reason you may be attracting emotionally unavailable people is either you are tolerating it and you are allowing it because you haven't realized your own sense of self-worth, your own sense of worthiness and confidence. So you allow it. And sometimes saying no will then allow you to say yes to something else. And it's like boundaries, right? If you attract people into your life that are always draining your energy and like, demanding a lot from you and you have trouble saying no, one of the reasons you may be attracting those people into your life is so that you can finally learn to say no. It's literally like a lesson that's like, please say no to me, please say no to me, please say no to me. But it's so hard for you to say no because you've always said yes to like people growing up and stuff like that. Like family members growing up that were trying to like manipulate your energy and stuff. But when you finally say no, you might have a little ripple of it, but in general, you start learning the lesson and you don't have to keep repeating it. So it could be that having emotionally unavailable people in your life is an echo of a familiarized energy in your life that when you say no to, especially you're attracting people in your life that might not be choosing you or valuing your friendship, you'll change your own sense of gravity and do whatever you need to do to get someone else's approval or a friend to like you, but they would never do the same for you? You ever had that in your life? I know people in my own life that like, they're telling me story, they're like, I'm gonna do this for this person, this person, this person. And I'm like, I can just feel that they're overextending themselves. And that's also a big ask. It's like someone's demanding that they do all of these things. I'm like, why do you have to do all that? I don't know. I was like, would this person ever do anything like this for you? And I've had friends say, not a chance. And I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you losing your sense of gravity, your sense of frame to make someone else happy when, not that you need to do it conditionally, I'll only do it for you if you do it for me, but it's about knowing your own sense of self-worth. And one of the things that really allowed me to start attracting emotionally available people in my life is I had to become aware of my own frame, my own boundaries, and I had to start saying no to people that weren't choosing me. I had to start choosing myself, and I had to start really like having a vision for what I wanted in my life and really moving towards it in an empowering way. And the truth is, that's what's blocking people and emotionally available people from coming in your life, is you're either saying no to emotionally available people. This is the tricky thing too. Back in 2015, I think, I dated this girl that was very, I don't know if it was emotionally available or maybe it was needy, I don't know. But anyways, I remember thinking to myself when I was dating her, I will never make this girl my girlfriend. And that was the truth. And for a year we dated like on and off and it was this constant battle because I wouldn't commit to her or make her my girlfriend. But yet we still had this like, sexual connection. It was very interesting. But what I can look back and see now is that the reason I outed her, I was like, there's no way, was because it wasn't the cat and mouse game, I guess, I was used to playing where I felt like I had to earn someone's love or trust. So in a weird way, it was like I was literally blocking it from coming into my life because it was such an unfamiliar emotion and energy to me. So one of the things that I had to do though to attract my girlfriend Heather is I had to start making the choice to open my heart. And I know that sounds very cliché and it sounds like, well, how do you actually do that? But literally what I had to do is I had to literally, it's almost like a sensation of like opening your heart, not judging other people, but like realize that the opening of the heart is saying yes to the unknown. Because what you may know is you may know emotional unavailability. You may know people that aren't choosing you. You may know people that manipulate your energy where you don't, and it's hard for you to set boundaries. That's what you may know and feel safe and comfortable with. But the next level for you is saying yes, is saying no to that and saying yes to something that requires you to dig a little bit deeper, to open up your own heart, to get vulnerable, to express how you're feeling to someone else. And as you do that, you will notice that like your life takes on a whole new level of depth. My life has completely exploded. Even the last couple weeks after doing plant medicine again, it's incredible how much my life has changed because I've been more open and I've been opening up my heart and I've been like more expressive and just more willing to step into the unknown of that emotional availability. So it might be a hard thing to hear, but if you're attracting emotionally unavailable people in your life, it may be because there's either a level of degree to where you tolerate emotionally unavailable people, or more likely, you are projecting that someone is emotionally available because deep down, you may be emotionally unavailable. And the key to this is opening up your own heart, being inside your own body, checking in with yourself, realizing when you're losing yourself, when you're having trouble setting boundaries. And as you do all this, this really begins to change your life in a powerful way. And if you haven't heard or done any inner child work, this is what will really transform your life more than anything else. We all have an inner child inside of us that from childhood feels like we either weren't heard, weren't seen, weren't comforted, didn't feel worthy or enough. And when we heal and we tap into that inner child, it changes the ripple on every other thing in our life. So if you haven't done that inner child meditation yet, it's one of my most powerful meditations I've ever made. You can download it by clicking the link below or going to aarondoughty.com/child. And if you want a video that will help you to completely cure this emotional unavailability, it's the codependency cure right here that will help you to completely transform your life from the inside out. In this episode, I'm gonna be showing you the cure to codependency how to never be needy again. I'm gonna share with you also my journey through this process, what I've learned about the inner child, how you can heal this process,