The Truth about Why A Narcissist is the way they are (not what you think)

Narcissists want attention because attention equals significance, and the significance is the top value that a narcissist has for them to feel worthy. Now, in this video, I'm gonna show you the inner workings of a narcissist, and I'm gonna share with you what you can do for yourself and for them, and helping them in a very compassionate way rather than the old school society's way of looking at it of the enemy version of it. Welcome back to another video. My name is Aaron and I help people expand their consciousness. Now in this video, this is part of a series. I've done a couple of videos on narcissists and sociopaths and the reason being, uh, many of you may have heard my story, but I had a narcissist or sociopath. She was a mix of both in my life between 7 and 15 years old and it was my ex-stepmom and from that period of time Uh, my brother and I had no freedom. My brother and I were a lot of times locked out of the house working outside. Uh, we were always getting in trouble for things we didn't do. We have to admit that we did things that we didn't actually do, and if we didn't admit that we did do these things, then we wouldn't be able to go to like school activities and things like that. So we didn't have necessarily the normal childhood of growing up watching TV and hanging out with friends. We did up until 7 years old, but then When my ex-stepmom met my dad shortly after that, our freedom started to go away more and more. And then after 2 years, I think she started to get very comfortable. And then all of a sudden, my brother and I had to really learn how to deal with her. My dad's a firefighter, so he was gone 24 hours a day, back 24 hours a day. And he kind of would believe whatever she would tell him. And she would really do things. And in a way, a lot of it was around her in a way making other people feel a certain way, and then she would feel better about that. So that's where a lot of, a lot of these things come around. And I didn't realize till years later, I mean, I knew there was something, I thought it was maybe just borderline personality disorder or something like that after, you know, my dad divorced her when I was 15 years old. And then years later, I realized I kept attracting people into my life that had these narcissist and sociopathic type tendencies. And I was wondering, why does this happen? I realized it was a pattern. It's what I thought I was worthy of. And once I became aware of this, I could— it was like, it was like magic. It was like I became aware of this pattern that was within me that was attracting— I was on the other side of this, attracting people like narcissists and sociopaths in my life, not knowing why necessarily, but the faces would change, but the energy would remain the same. And I didn't necessarily know why. Well, in this video, that's why I wanna share with you how you can move through it in a compassionate way. And also, I've been learning more about how the narcissist thinks and their value system in a way. We all have our reality where our beliefs create our reality. Now, why is it that a narcissist thinks the way they do and has it to where they feel like they need to take someone else's energy or they need to have this sense sense of inflated sense of self? Why is it that they have that and why do they feed on someone else's external energy? And why do they have, you know, the other part of a narcissist is they have like a hardened ego structure. Now let me give a little bit of a basis for a video that I made recently. And if you haven't seen, I have a whole video series on narcissists and sociopaths and sometimes I put them in the same kind of category in a way. I know they're different in some ways, but in general what happens is, is we, are having a physical experience. And what happens is we have this thing, our body, and also what we could call, we experience physical reality through what is called our ego. So we come here in having this, we're all, you know, quantum physics shows us by the way is that we are eternal spiritual beings having temporary human experiences. So energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Now what happens is when we come into this reality, you could say, We are experiencing reality in the ego. Now what happens is sometimes people learn at an early age to really emphasize the ego. Now the ego is what we use to experience reality. Now what happens though is that when people growing up learn that their sense of survival is based on self-importance, validation or taking from other people, what happens is then they learn that that's the way to survive. That's the way to move through reality. They've learned it growing up. They've either learned it from someone that they were around growing up or they learned it from the opposite side of the spectrum. I think if you notice a lot of people that are narcissists, what they do is they crave energy. They want to be paid attention to. And many times, if you look into their childhood, you know, a lot of times in childhood what happens is childhood experiences kind of mark and say, this is who I am. There's something that happens in childhood where we say, this is who I am. For a narcissist, what I believe happens is something happens and they decide that in order to get attention, they have to be a certain way. Maybe they have to act out. Maybe they have to try to take it from other people. Maybe they learned that from a parent growing up, or maybe they weren't given that attention by the parents growing up, so now they feel like they need to take it in order to get it. Maybe they were given so much attention growing up that now that mom and dad's not around, they feel like they need to take it and they need to show off a little bit in order to get it, or they need to always revert the attention back to them. But you see, what happens is at a certain point in the past, a narcissist has a situation that happens to where then they feel less than, and they see that the only way to survive is to have that of, of ways of bringing the attention back onto them. That's the way that they feel safe. Attention literally becomes energy and fuel for validation and self-confidence. Now here's what happened. There's a, you know, I recently went to a Tony Robbins conference and Tony Robbins talks a lot about values. So I talk a lot about my channel, how our beliefs create our reality. What Tony says is that there's clumps of our beliefs are based in values. Now we all have certain values. So I wanna show this. I've never really seen someone talk about this before, but in the analogy of this, But there are certain values that we have. You have certainty is one of the values we have. We want to feel certain about things. That's the reason we develop certain beliefs. When we develop beliefs, we then feel certain that we'll get a certain type of result. Think about it. Beliefs in a way are a way of quickening the thought patterns that we have towards getting some type of result. If we don't have beliefs, it's like every situation is completely new and we always got to think of something else. So certainty is something that is one of the needs that we have. There's 6 human needs. And then what we have is uncertainty. If everything was always certain, we'd eventually get bored. There's different degrees to this as well. Some people that feel certainty may crave security, but then you'll have some people that love uncertainty. They love adventures. They love going out and like not knowing what they're going to do. They don't like planning. The certainty people really like planning. Now we all have different degrees of this. Now the third one, the third one is significance, which is feeling unique and special, which is feeling worthy. And then we— under this we have connection. Under connection we have growth. And then under growth we have contribution. Contribution. Now here's the one I want to focus on with narcissists. What has happened is there was a certain point in the past where what they did is they extremely valued significance, and significance then became something that was all about survival. In a way, if that significance wasn't there, then it means they're not worthy and it means that they might not survive. We all have an ego mechanism, and the ego's job is to survive, not necessarily just with food and shelter, but survive in its ideal of what it thinks we are. Of who we define ourselves to be. So what has happened with the narcissist is the narcissist has had such a value of significance, and part of the rules— we all have rules to these as well. How would I know that, for example, connection— like, say I wanted to feel connection in my life, and my connection— I value feeling connection with my family members and people in my life. What are the rules I have to when I know that that need is met, that I feel connected? Well, that rule is, uh, people text me and tell me they love me, which of course is, uh, not necessarily the best thing. That it could be, um, that people, uh, hug me when I see them. Could be that people call me to find out how I am. It could be that I reach out to them and I do this. Or you see, we all have our internal rules that are subconscious. Now the narcissist has a high degree of rule of significance that may say, when people are paying attention to me, then my need is being met, that then I feel worthy. So what we'll find is that there could be many of these rules. When this person feels this way, and then when people feel less than, that makes me feel better. These are things that are normally subconscious. But what happens with somebody that is narcissistic is that they value significance at the very top of their list, and they have some rules that they must meet in order to feel that significance. And part of the significance intention is that they feel worthy, they feel loved. So this is the thing, and this is what I wanted to show you. It is not that the narcissist is an evil person, is out to get you. It is that they don't remember who they really are. And if you feel like you may have narcissistic traits, Understand that change is possible. The thing that the narcissist normally has problems with is seeing beyond the self. Seeing beyond the self. We came into this experience to also be able to see through the eyes of other, which is called empathy, which is called being able to see how I make other, other people feel. And what happens is narcissist is so focused on the ego structure that it, it in a way blocks out being able to see how it makes this other person feel. So the power of this though is understanding that the narcissist at a certain point in their past valued significance at the top of their list. Maybe they learned that from the parents and then they had some rules that they had to attain in order to feel that worthiness and love. The narcissist wants to feel just as much love and worthiness as you do. They just don't understand exactly how to do that. So what I wanted to do is to share a more compassionate view on this process, because when I made videos on YouTube about this and I talked about it on Instagram, I had people reach out to me and say, hey, I feel like I may be a narcissist. And when they said that to me, I then thought, you know, these people are probably feel guilty about what and how they've made other people feel before. And there's nobody really speaking to them, showing them how they can get outside of that mindset, how they can get outside of feeling like they are in that survival mode. Now, the key to that though is realizing from the narcissist's perspective that you have value for just being you. You don't need to take other people's energy. You don't need to get attention from other people to be significant. You can give that to yourself from within. And what you can realize is that your rules for worthiness is you feel worthy for being you, not once you get attention from other people. You can really go inside of yourself and start to become aware and redefine yourself in a new way. Now, first thing you need to know as well is change is possible. Change is possible. If you go on Google, it'll say, oh, this is some lifelong thing. If you can go beyond the self and you can go beyond the current story you tell yourself about who you are and what you need in order to get energy from other people, then you can begin to become aware of that. You can begin to break out of it. If you're watching this video, then you are already aware of it. If you set this video to a friend and this person watches this until this point in the video, then they're becoming more aware of it and they're not blocking it out like most people may do. I think that a lot of people that are really deep down the rabbit hole wouldn't watch the video this far deep in. But understand this, when we look at significance, what we'll find is that if significance is our top value for anybody, it will be a very rough time. Because here's what also happens, the more significant we need to feel is the more also normally the harder it is to feel connection with other people because we're so focused on being special and unique. A lot of successful people may have significance at the top of their list, and then what they find out is after years they attain that success, that specialness, they feel significant and get validation from other people, but then they do feel like they're not connected to other people, or people just want them for their money, or whatever it is. Now the key is realizing that this is a short, fleeting thing. The key to this is becoming aware of it, and awareness is when you start to open up the potentialities for you. Now, on the other side of this, we have the people that normally get kind of sucked into the funnel of a narcissist. And what happens is normally the people on the other side of the spectrum, here's the crazy thing. If they normally, the lesson for them normally is to learn to have more ego structure, in a way, have more boundaries in a way, to develop their own sense of confidence, to be able to say no. To be able to say, this is a— I need to focus on me. And I think what happens a lot of times is that this person becomes someone that overgives, and this is someone that overtakes. Now, what happens in narcissistic type mentality is this person has a high degree of value of significance and is craving that from other people. A lot of times, the people on the other end of it crave significance as well. It's just that the way and rule they think they get significance is by giving. If I give to other people, then maybe they'll love me. And the narcissist says, if I take, maybe then I can feel worthy. So you see, the narcissist isn't so different. They both want significance. It's just the rules for significance are different. And this video is meant to help you become free on either side of the spectrum. Whether you feel like you have narcissistic tendencies or are a narcissist, or whether you feel like you've been the victim of a narcissist. Either way, you both have values of significance, and the key is becoming aware of it and understanding that you have worthy for being you. You don't need to be any way for me to love you. You don't need to act a certain way to be accepted and validated. You have worthiness for being you. It's just that when we grow up, we take on these beliefs and these thoughts that it has to be a certain way and that we need to get certain things in order to survive. And the key to this is all awareness and knowing and making it extraordinarily easy for you to feel worthy, loved, whole, and complete. Now, the key to this is understanding and practicing compassion. Now, compassion means the ability to still have compassion for ourselves on this side of the spectrum. If you find yourself getting sucked into narcissists and giving them energy, it means having compassion for yourself, maybe drawing those boundaries, but doing it from a place of love, not from a place of, you don't get to talk to me. I'm not— I'm done with you. More so, I love myself. And then here's the thing: when narcissists see that energy, compassion, the narcissist does not know how to respond from that level of compassion or that level of non-attention. I've shared this story before, but one thing that my dad did is my dad still has to deal with my ex-stepmom because they're— if they've been— even though they've been divorced, I have two half-sisters through my ex-stepmom. And what happened is my dad was going to therapy sessions for a while where it was like mediation for court and they would go to this therapist and anytime my dad would go sit in the waiting room, my ex-stepmom would come in and just start yelling at him, embarrassing him, saying things, arguing with him. And my dad's just sitting there and my dad normally would like start arguing back. Now what happened is one time I told him, I said, do you want a way around that? I'll tell you right now because I knew how she is. I said, when she comes in and starts yelling at you in public and all this stuff, here's what you do. You completely pretend like she isn't even there. And what he did is he just, he just sat there. She came, she starts yelling at him the next time that happened, and he just stared and had a little smile on his face. You want to know what happened? She yelled at him for about 30 seconds to a minute and then left. Didn't even stay for the appointment. She could not handle it because the attention was not being given to her. So either the key is the attention on this side of putting the attention on yourself and not feeding that reality, or it's having compassion and understanding that they too, whoever the narcissist is, is just trying to get their needs met. They're just trying to feel significant. Makes it a little bit easier to understand what you— when you understand it makes it a little bit easier for you to deal with this. Now I will say that one thing that really helped me with this process is forgiveness. Me forgiving my ex-stepmom. I realized— now it didn't make it okay necessarily, the pain that I and my brother went through, but it did help me realize it more. In a way, she was treated a certain way, my ex-stepmom, growing up, and she decided that that's how she had to be in order to survive, in order to be a certain way. And having that perspective allowed me to then forgive her more because I understood that it was just a false belief. It was just something that she thought she— a way she thought she had to be in order to be loved. And as I did, and as I became aware of this, I was then able to really forgive her. And as I forgave her, I started to be free. So that was something that was a game changer. Now, if you're a narcissist or have narcissistic tendencies or Or if you're on the other side of this and you feel like you've been the victim of a narcissist or you want to help someone that is narcissistic, one of the most powerful processes I've found for this is something called Ho'oponopono, which is an ancient Hawaiian technique of saying 4 simple statements and it really helps to heal within your own energetic field. This has been used, there's scientific study on this where the doctor in Hawaii that was doing research on this did something where he was working at a psych ward And what he did is he never even met the patients, but what he did is he did this Ho'oponopono process, these 4 simple statements, and he healed within himself what these people's reports, these people's stories were reflecting back to him. Here's an interesting thing. When he did that, you want to know what happened? Within a couple of years, every single person inside that psych ward was then released and was cured of whatever they were going through. He never actually even met them. He just healed his image of them. What if what has happened is we expect them to be a certain way, and because we don't have a whole and complete image of them, it reinforces that reality? And what if that image of them they also have of themselves? And what happens is that then they can stay consistent to that at all costs. What if by changing our image of them and healing within ourselves, we then notice that then we heal the outer reality? What What if all reality is, is a reflection of the inner reality and that is there to help us learn how to become more aware of our own ego structure, how to realize we don't have to overgive. And that's the power of Ho'oponopono. If you listen to the meditation below, which is the Ho'oponopono meditation that I have, I think it can absolutely transform your life. Listen to it for 21 days. Watch what happens. This will keep the image of them in your mind and also heal what that means about yourself and watch how much that begins to change. With that being said, I hope you enjoyed this video and as always, I'll see you in the next one. Peace, much love, and namaste.