They'll CHASE YOU When You Detach (Here's How)

When we are thinking of someone else, think of it energetically. This will sound esoteric, but imagine that energy is leaving your body and going towards them because you want something from them. And you're also putting a big burden on them. You're saying, can you please give me validation? Can you please come around, respond to me, et cetera? They can feel that energy 'cause you want something from them. You're pinging them. And when you think of them, it's like your GPS system's energetically going to them. And then what happens is they feel that. And what happens when someone feels like they're trying to be controlled? What do you do? You cut, you know, right? You don't wanna be controlled. But then what you do is you bring the energy back and you say, you know what? I'm gonna let it go, whatever. You start focusing on yourself. That energy cord kind of goes away. You're not projecting energy at them anymore. And then they say, huh, I can't feel this person think of me again. Something feels like they're missing. I miss them. I'm going to text them. So then they come back, right? And then you just keep playing that pattern over and over again. If you are walking on eggshells and abandoning yourself for somebody else, that's not your person, that's your pattern. That's a pattern. But you've told yourself a story about that pattern. That pattern is a person and the person is, we're meant to be. And you'll tell all these unique stories that allow you to feel that same familiar energy from childhood, which is proving back the same thing, right? See, they not choosing me. Et cetera. But really that is the incoherent energy we've been talking about because if you're walking on eggshells around anyone, you've probably had to abandon yourself to be doing that. So when you become aware of that, you're like, wait, I don't choose to be in relationships that are, there's this dynamic. So a lot of this is about that awareness inside of yourself of not abandoning yourself, but also being aware and trusting your ability to connect to other people and being aware of the patterns inside of you and how you feel in your nervous system, but you meeting that abandoned part of you and embracing it and celebrating it when it comes up. 'Cause back in the day, that abandonment wound would come up and what you would do is you'd probably go into your phone to text someone to talk them into whatever, right? You'd probably try to prove yourself. You'd probably try to make sure this person finds out about something you did or something, right? That was the unconscious part of you. But instead you're able to look at that energy and embrace that part of you. And what happens is that then you begin integrating the energy that normally you would shun to the side to try to fix the external, to shift how you feel, which is a never-ending game because the power's always outside of you. So does that help?

Absolutely. Thank you.

Awesome. Yeah, thank you. Let's give her a hand. Yeah. You have a question?

Yes.

Can we get the mic over here? And then we might go over here.

My question was, so if we shift, yeah, does that mean that that person is no longer the right person then, or they're going to shift because we shifted?

That's a good question.

We dump the person where— or yeah, like, I was triggered for like the 5-year relationship when yesterday, you know, when she went up, and I'm like, so now, now what? Yeah, but if I, if I shift Can I still be in this relationship?

Yeah, so that's a great question. So the important thing to realize is that from person to person, it will depend upon your energy and how you relate to this other person. So the key, first off, when it comes to relationships, whether it's you're trying to work something out, you're trying to see if there's compatibility now that you've shifted some energy, is getting clear within yourself of what energy you're embodying and what your boundaries are, boundaries are, or dynamics that you can be vulnerable about. So maybe in that relationship, there was a part of you that wouldn't be vulnerable about certain things because maybe that person didn't accept it, or maybe you didn't know how they would feel about it. But the way that you are able to tune this is you start being this version of you that is more healed and more regulated. And what you do is you then give them an opportunity to meet you there. And if they shame you or they talk down to you or they ask you why you're doing this, that is a sign that maybe it's not as compatible and maybe there's another conversation to be had. But then you have to get clear within yourself of what your boundaries are and to understand that there are, what is gonna happen is one of two things. One, either it works out or it doesn't work out. Another side of this though is, as you evolve, sometimes someone else can evolve with you. It's possible. Like my buddy, a lot of you guys know Victor and Patty, my best friend Victor, my business partner and his wife. They've been together for 15 years. What'll happen is each of them will make little jumps in consciousness. And what happens is it kind of holds space for the other one to kind of like come up to speed. So then the other one kind of holds space for the other one while they're in their process. And then they'll up-level and they'll both up-level in different ways. But they're able to just keep kind of like inching up with each other, which is kind of cool. I've been able to see it for like 8, 9 years now since I've known them. But in a similar way, when it comes to relationships, you go through a spiritual awakening, et cetera, what can happen is you can have these insights and then you can relate to that person and see if there's that synergy there, if they understand how they respond to it. And if it's a deep level of love and appreciation and acceptance, there for sure is the possibility of them growing with you. But it's really gonna depend. And the thing and advice that I would give you is just to be vulnerable, to be vulnerable in sharing your emotions as they come up. You could even say like, you know, I'm making all these changes in my life and I'm healing different aspects of myself, et cetera. And I'm a little afraid I might lose you. Or we might not be compatible anymore. As that comes up, you can share that and then see how they respond, you know? And then see, and then as you're embodying this energy, see if there's that synergy there. And be okay though, at the same time, if that synergy is not there any longer and you realize you're trying to hold on, you have to be honest with yourself because some relationships that we get into, they are reflective of the person we are at the time. But as we evolve or as we do inner work, we may outgrow certain patterns. We may outgrow certain people. It's interesting, I've had relationships in the past where I literally grew out of the relationship and I had a huge epiphany or breakthrough and literally within days, a relationship would end. And it was like, it kind of came outta nowhere, but it was a reflection of the energy shift that I made. And once I became aware and processed certain energies, that relationship didn't serve a purpose anymore in the same way that it once did. I couldn't unsee some things that like I'd become aware of because I've done a certain amount of inner work. And I had to be honest with myself and I had to let that go. And of course it's sad in the moment, but at the same time, the cool thing is that you meet people where you are and the level of depth to which you go within yourself, the level of which you regulate your nervous system is the level to which you will meet people that are resonant with that version of you. So it only gets deeper. Sometimes the fear is that from a certain perspective, it's like, I'm gonna lose the depth that I've created. Well, the depth that you've created is from a certain level of consciousness and awareness. And now that you've gone deeper, you give yourself the potential to either meet people and to have them raise or go that deep as well, Or new people can come into your life that can reflect back that new level of depth. Does that make sense? So it really depends. It's some people, it can mean maybe there's an honesty like, yeah, maybe this has served its course. I remember hearing a quote once that relationships are either for, certain relationships are either for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. That could be for friendships. That could also be for relationships. And there are certain friendships you might have and certain relationships you might have where there's a certain season there. And it's a certain season that reflects back certain growth that you've made. It reflects back certain things that you're learning. And then maybe you have a relationship that doesn't go that well at all. And maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe the reason is whatever meaning you give it, but it could be looking at deeper things within yourself. Just not the right person. Also not the right person, it's not the right pattern. It's like a pattern that you're looking at healing, but it served, there was some reason for it and some benefit that you got out of it. And then for a lifetime, obviously certain relationships, friendships, romantic could be for a lifetime, but becoming aware and not trying to put certain relationships into other categories. Can you see where that might get a little tricky? 'Cause what people do is they might meet somebody that they have a certain type of connection with, but they might say, this needs to be a lifetime. The Disney movies and all this stuff says happily ever, right? But they don't show what happens after the ending, right? Like they don't show once they're living, once, you know, he's conquered all the beasts and he saved the day. And then they're like, you know, they're together. There's other challenges that come up. It's a part of life and it's beautiful because with those challenges comes more depth. With those challenges comes more going inwards and you stop living at the superficial level and there's depth that comes through where you can actually connect at a more deep emotional level. So in general, it depends, but also you just have to be honest with yourself. You have to be, you know, you can be vulnerable and you can set the frame and not necessarily be, I think sometimes at these events when people ask, I've been asked a question similar to that before, and it's like the energy's like, what if they don't do this? What if they don't like it? What if I'm on eggshells? What if I'm on eggshells? What if I'm on eggshells? But that might be part of the pattern. So what if maybe the breakthrough for you is to not be on those eggshells and to stand bold in who you are and to realize you don't need to play the game of eggshells anymore, which is also the game of survival because their approval, their validation, is like the law, but it's not really. It's not really, it's just we're playing that game of walking on eggshells, not realizing walking on eggshells is a survival thing. And we tell ourselves that's our person when really it's a pattern. And maybe once you shift the pattern, then that person can evolve or have their own awarenesses. It's not something you can control, but it allows the space for that to happen. Because ultimately all, whether you're male or female, 'cause sometimes I know in our culture, it's like the male lead, it is like a masculine trait. But in general, people are always picking off of your energy, right? They're always pinging off of your energy regardless. So the deeper you go within yourself, it may trigger other people. It may call for them to upgrade, call them to look at certain parts of themselves they may or may not be ready to look at. But what happens is you give potential for them to either come on board with you or not. And either way, it's okay. Either way, it's a win. You've either got somebody that's coming with you on the journey or you've got space now to where you can go deeper inside of yourself to then attract somebody that can go on that journey with you if and when the time is right. Does that help?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Awesome. Let's give her a hand. Let's go over here next. You had your hand up, right? Yeah, she had her hand up a while ago, so we have the mic right over here. Right over here, to the— in the blue.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Hello. Um, very strange because those other two questions actually touched on things that I was thinking about too. So I think a lot of us are dealing with, um, like anxious and avoidant attachment. Or I know you were saying, um, empath versus narcissist.

Yeah.

And I was kind of wondering, what's the difference between the two? Is there a difference between the two? Because yeah, I feel like in the past I've had a narcissist relationship. I feel like I don't attract that anymore, but I am attracting an avoidant. So yeah, that's like the new—

well, you're a step in the right direction.

Yeah, it's like a softer narcissist, but it's still— some of the tendencies are there. They don't love bomb. It's actually the opposite. It's like they don't express emotion at all. Yeah, I don't feel emotion, and I'm very confused about that because, yeah, I feel like I'm someone who feels a lot, right? So I'm kind of attracting people like I can't read them very well, and they don't know, which is interesting, right?

Because you feel so much.

Yeah.

And you probably tune so much.

Exactly.

But then you feel like you can't read them.

Exactly.

And is there a part of you that likes the fact that you can't read them?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I feel like it frustrates me. It just causes me to spin.

Like, is frustration a familiar energy to childhood? Okay, well, what I will say about this dynamic, let me first off clarify a few things. Empath and narcissism is a dynamic that is the extreme sides of two different energy patterns that are rooted in toxic shame. And I know I've mentioned it before, but On the narcissist side, there's very little, if any, empathy. And what happens is to get the needs met, there's toxic shame, there's a false sense of self, and there's a lot of control and overt manipulation that happens to get their needs met. Empath is the opposite of that in the similar, which is funny because the reason they attract each other is they're opposites, but they're opposites to the same. Does this make sense? That's why opposites can attract because They're opposites of certain type of energy. So the empath who feels a lot of people's emotions is on the toxic side of shame where it's in order to feel enough, I have to give, give, give, give, and then I will receive the validation, approval, et cetera, of this person over here. Now, this is every one of us, by the way, has a version of natural empathy and narcissism and healthy narcissism is actually confidence. Now I wanna say that because so often, this is something that my shadow work coach, which was explaining to me, well, healthy narcissist, we all have some level of narcissism that is actually, that can be healthy. Healthy narcissism is confidence. And the reason this can kind of buffer this a little bit is because the trigger in you when I say that, by the way, is that there's such an attachment to the narcissist is the evil manipulator. That there's, I don't wanna be anything like that. I'm not anything like that. Don't tell me I'm anything like that. So there's that story there, but hiding behind that story is what's keeping that energy active. So realizing that that energy is there, but letting go of the label itself of realizing in a certain way, not to say that empaths are narcissists, but we all have a desire for safety. and we all have a desire to like protect our sense of self. Empaths, by giving, are protecting their sense of self because their sense of self includes everybody else's emotion and energy because they take responsibility for it. So what happens is their sense of self is expanded. The narcissist controls and manipulates with a false sense of self. They're also trying to protect themselves. It's just the way they do that is through projection, and manipulation, et cetera. But they're both versions of getting that need met. Now, the reason I say this is because many people in this room have probably experienced some form of energy from a controlling person or some type of narcissistic energy pattern. And the thing is, is my goal is to soften up the energy a little bit, to let go of a little bit of the story and the rejection of the part of ourselves that has some of that energy on the inside, right? Can we all agree that at times certain desires we might have may be somewhat more focused on the narcissistic side, right? There may be some things that even I wanna give to then get or then give to then be a good person. And I wanna be seen as a good person because I'm not a bad person like that over there. But all of that energy right there is reinforcing inside of your energy this, blocking and blaming of the narcissist. And ultimately what we're after is not to become this over here, is to find the middle ground of being in a healthy sense of self. Now let's contrast that with the other part of the question, which is, is that different from anxious and avoidant? And first off, it's very different than anxious and avoidant in the sense that they're different, like categories in and of themselves. Commonly, we can say that empaths tend to be more focused on giving than get or on tuning to other people. So they'd be more likely to tend towards anxious attachment. Everyone know what anxious attachment is? Basically anxious and avoidant attachments are two styles of attachment that have to do with how they get their needs met. So empaths lean in for love. They lean in. And they desire that love. And that is where the anxious energy can come from. The avoidant, on the other hand, leans away from that, leans away from that, is more individual, kind of stays in their own energy. And very often anxious and avoidance will attract each other. Why? 'Cause once again, they're opposite sides of the same thing, right? It's like if you had two avoidants with each other, they're both independent, and it doesn't really work out because they're both having the same strategy. So they just end up further and further apart. Now sometimes you'll see two anxious attachments together and they'll kind of like go back and forth between who's the more anxious one or vice versa. So they start playing that energy dynamic down in a different way. But the key to both of this is you don't wanna like take on the tendency. There's probably something to learn in the sense that the opposite kind of possesses something that if they actually in a healthy way integrated, could be a very powerful thing to become more in the middle, which is secure. Because the thing is, is if someone's secure, they don't lean in and crave love. They don't lean back and push away love. And their secure attachment, they tend to be attracted to other people that may be secure attachment, but also they're not playing the same game that these two are playing. So there are times that secure people can still be with someone that's anxious or someone that's avoidant. It's just they're not leaning in or they're not they're not playing that same game, it's almost like they act as a regulator for the other person that's coming into regulation. So in a way, it's like, that's like the healthy balance. Now, most of the time though, these two tend to attract each other. And a lot of times bringing the energy into the middle is about really, a lot of it can be doing that inner child work of healing that inner child, of becoming aware of the pattern and kind of what we've been talking about. But it's also, Leaning into like a healthy sense of self where you can be like, obviously the lesson for the avoidant and the energy there is for them to become vulnerable, to open up to love, to open up to connection, to when things get a little bit uncomfortable, not to run away, right? Instead of just playing the game of they feel uncomfortable, so they go, what they do is they go from honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase because there's no depth going there because there's that fear. So what happens is that energy, that energy, they just keep playing that pattern, right? So the key for them is the, it's vulnerability for the avoidant. And then for the anxious attachment, it's learning to bring their sense of safety back inside of their body, which is why I recommend the frame technique. For those of you that have never, any of you heard of the frame technique before? The frame technique, you can check it out on YouTube. It's about feeling inside of your body and feeling the separation between you and other people. And in the moment of being around other people, like feeling basically safe in your body, tuning to your body, and also not being ashamed of having needs because very often anxious attached people feel shame for having needs. So they hide behind sometimes passive aggressive tactics. They pretend like they don't have needs at all. They pretend to be, I'm cool and I don't need anything. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. But really something comes up. So on both hand, I think both of them can learn from being more vulnerable and sharing how they actually feel and acknowledging that they do have needs and able to have that open communication. Because even imagine if you're with an avoidant person and you're like, oh yeah, I noticed that this is coming up for you. Is that uncomfortable? That kind of like, but sometimes people may be like, I can't even ask that because that, I might make them uncomfortable or they're gonna run away. But the thing is, is if they're gonna run away, it's like you're playing a game to keep them around. But that keeps you once again, walking on eggshells, abandoning yourself to then try to get them to stay around thinking they're your person when they're actually the pattern. Well, the key is you'll keep playing that pattern until you decide to stop playing that pattern. Every time you respond to that energy, You're continuing to play the game, which is continuing to perpetuate them come to you. So it's like, for example, I've had people that I know where I enabled them by giving them money to help them. And how do I break that pattern? Well, if I stop doing that, they stop coming to me, right? They stop knowing that I'm the outlet for that, right? And I stop energetically saying, yes, I'll continue to play this game with you. So the part of you where the power is in the awareness that that's the game that's being played. And then in the awareness that I don't wanna play this game anymore. And it's a big power move, not just energetically manipulative to say, I don't need you anymore, I don't want you anymore. But it's being aware, you know what? I don't choose to continue playing in this energy. I don't continue to like fight for your attention. You could even say that. You could say, listen, seems like you're only interested in me I'm turned away and focused on myself. I'm looking for a reciprocal relationship and or more balance in a relationship. And by saying no to that, you then open up possibilities and potentials to come into your life because you've said no to that pattern. And after you say no to that pattern, what might happen is he might fight harder or you might meet someone else that's less of that energy, but maybe a little bit, but you continue to attract new energy, new people based on the energy you're embodying. So by saying no to that, you say yes to something deeper or to something that's more in alignment with that reciprocal relationship. Does that help?

Yeah, it does help. I mean, it's interesting because they ghosted the first time and when they came back, I was like very cautious to let them back in. I let them do all the work for like 4 months and I basically set my boundaries. I said, I need this. I need you to be— I need you to give me more words of affirmation is what I was saying. But basically, like, expressive, said they were going to do all that stuff, didn't really do it, maybe did like half a percent. Oh, same thing, they started to pull away again. Yeah, it was like—

well, also, you can be the one. Like, you— like, something very clear for all of us to get aware of is what is our boundaries with ourself.

Yeah.

And our relationships that we have.

Yeah. Oh, I broke it off the second time. Like, like, the second that he started to pull away, I started to get really anxious, and I was getting like hypervigilant to everything. And honestly, I think it was a week where he might not even been totally pulling away from me, but he had just—

doesn't matter.

But I felt the shift and I freaked out and I was the one who just like ended things. Yeah, because I couldn't deal with the anxiety.

I get it.

Yeah, it was too much.

And, and that the other aspect of this too though is when that anxiety comes up, to be present with that anxiety, to observe it, to embrace it instead of trying to like mitigate it or do something else with it, right? Or find it through someone else. So in general, when we're talking, just to kind of close out this idea here as well, become aware of within relationships in your life, whether that's friendships or romantic, what are your boundaries or rules for you to interact with other people and become aware of what that line is for you, right? So if somebody starts to manipulate you or ghosts you or like pulls away when you're vulnerable, like, oh, this might be a red flag. This might be a yellow flag. This might be something for me to be aware of. But what you do is you become aware of what this is. So then when it happens, you're clear within yourself with like, okay, this is a deal breaker for me, right? This is like the energy, 'cause this is the pattern that you're shedding. And then you know, instead of trying to fight for it, instead of trying to stay in that pattern,