Watch her go from Chasing to BEING CHASED In 30 Mins

I wanted to know why do I keep attracting the same type of lovers? They have trauma, so I always have to be there for them emotionally, and then they don't reciprocate the energy back. I just feel like it's one-sided, it's selfish, and I don't feel loved, I feel used. Yeah, but it's like the same person, different body.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awesome, why don't you come up here for a sec?

Oh Lord.

Okay. Yeah, awesome. Okay. So the way that it works in general around what we attract, we attract people based on the energies, the emotions that are stored inside of our body. So what was the question again? The question was, there's an energy. So first off, there's an energy where you're attracting people that need fixing. Is that correct? Yes. And what's the challenge again? If I wanna use your language, Pat, your—

I don't feel, I don't get it back.

Yes.

And I don't feel loved or appreciated for trying to fix them.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, so the thought is, if I fix them, then what happens?

They love me.

They love you. So if you fix them, they will love you. This is a very interesting thing to look at because what happens is many times if we felt like mom or dad didn't see us as a kid, or we felt like there's this desire sometimes for a younger aspect of us that wants to fix mom or dad. Because if we can fix mom or dad, we can get them to love us in the way that they weren't able to. So what happens is if there's unresolved energy there, we will attract that unresolved energy because we subconsciously want to resolve it. Does this make sense? The energy wants to be resolved. Now the challenge is when we attract people that we need to fix, That is a degree of codependency. It's a codependent energy because it's also attached to outcome, right? It's almost like there's a condition there. The condition is you fix, then you can love me, right? So what do you think the— So the belief is if I fix them, then they'll love me. Why can't you be loved even if you don't fix them?

I guess because I kind of know why I'm aware of trauma awareness. And sometimes I feel like they don't know that they have trauma. So I'm like, oh, like, not that I'm waking them up, but like I'm trying to nurture them. I'm like, if your mom didn't love you, let me love you.

And why do you feel like you need to nurture them?

Because I know how it feels not to be nurtured. And like, I'm just trying to give them something that I know would feel good to me.

I wanna acknowledge you for saying that, by the way, because there's an awareness there that the energy you're putting out is the energy you wanna receive. So there could be an aspect of you that actually wants that, but is looking for it in someone else and trying to give that for someone else. Because if you can give it to someone else, then they're gonna give it back to you. But deep down, is there a part of yourself that wants to feel that from you? Is there?

Yeah.

What is it? Speak into that a little bit.

Well, I think I want it from somewhere, from someone else. I never looked at it. I never looked at it like that, that I can give it to myself.

Yeah. Well, what if you could give it to yourself? How? What if you could nurture yourself?

I feel like it's not the same.

Why not?

It just feels good to get it from someone else.

But why?

I don't know, it just does.

Yeah. Sometimes it feels good to believe that other people have what's inside of us. It feels— because also it allows us to put the story outside of ourselves. Does this make sense? Because then the energy goes, like it may be easier to say these people need to be fixed. And if I can fix them, then I can feel loved because then they're gonna love me back. Maybe easier than taking on the responsibility of I can be with myself and nurture that aspect of myself, which means taking responsibility for the energy. Does that make sense? Yeah. So it's almost like the thing is, is our energy gets projected outwards and believing that it feels better when we're receiving it from someone else. Now the thing is, is life is a mere reflection of the energy we're embodying. So we ultimately can't receive what we believe we don't deserve. So like what we believe we deserve is what we get. Or if we believe we don't deserve it. So is there a part of you that maybe also believes that someone is your sense of self-worth tied to your ability to give? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for that honesty.

Yeah.

By the way. So what is that story, that belief there?

I feel like you accept me and like I belong somewhere. Yeah. That you accept me. I feel accepted.

Yeah.

Because I'm doing something for you.

Right. So your sense of self-worth or worthiness is tied to what you do.

Mm-hmm.

Is that correct?

Yes.

I see. Hmm. Joy?

Yeah.

Can you go into the back room and get that bag? Thank you. Just wait. We have something coming. So, so you believe, so there's a belief there that you are and your identity is connected to what it does. Like the energy is connected to, I am worthy if I give and that's connected to my sense of worthiness. Yes. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. Is that true?

Yes.

Is it?

If I didn't make people feel better, or if I didn't do what I do, I wouldn't feel good. I would feel worthless.

You'd feel worthless.

Yeah.

So you don't have value for being you. You have value if you're able to fix or to help someone else.

That's how I feel.

Yes, well, I understand it's how you feel. Now, a lot of times we will feel, and you just put it to the side. We will feel in alignment with what we believe. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So the key to this is understanding that energy inside of ourselves of what we are. I mean, it really comes down to worthiness, right? Being worthy. So what you're saying is you don't believe that you are worthy for being you. You are only worthy if you, for what you do or being able to fix other people.

That's true, yes.

So when did you decide that it was your responsibility to fix other people?

Oh, I don't know. I've just always been this way.

You've always been this way?

Always been like nurturing.

Well, that's good. It's good to be nurturing.

Yeah.

But the challenge is that if we're nurturing to the abandonment of ourself or we expect something on the other end of that nurturing. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like, does a mom nurture the baby as long as the baby reciprocates? Would you say that the mom's love is unconditional?

Supposed to be.

Supposed to be unconditional.

Yeah.

Was your mom's love unconditional?

No.

What were the conditions?

Be a good girl. Don't question me.

Yeah.

Don't talk back. Do what I say.

Yeah. Interesting. So don't talk back. Do what I say. Be a good girl. Now, if you are a good girl, does a good girl give?

Yes.

Does a good girl abandon herself?

No.

No? Okay, how does a good girl not abandon herself?

'Cause she does what she, like she does what she wants, what makes her happy.

But she also has to make everyone else happy.

Yeah, so then she abandons herself.

Yes, so she's abandoning herself So who would you be without the good girl persona?

I guess a bad girl.

There you go. Now here's the thing. Let's see over here. So over here, let's embrace that a little bit. So first off, I want to acknowledge you first off. That's awesome. Now, if you were to do and to look at that pattern of being a good girl, what would that look like? Physiology in your body, what does it look like to be a good girl? To be always wanting to fix everybody else? Look at all these people you can fix. You're up here right now, you can fix all these people. They need you. And maybe if you fix them, they're gonna give you love as an exchange. Right?

Yeah.

How does that feel inside of your body? Like what does that energy feel like?

It feels like I'm hypersensitive because like, I'm like, what is she thinking about me? Like try not to make the wrong move. You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So like she won't judge me or anything like that, or just being hyper-aware of her.

Yeah. So being hyper-aware of how they feel. Yeah. Yes. So first off, I wanna say that it's beautiful that you have this intention. Now, the thing that I think is the area of breakthrough for you is realizing that it's tied to this other person and what they think and what they do. It's like, "Mom, I'm a good girl. I'm a good person, I promise. Am I a good person? If I resolve this for you, then I'll continue to be a good person." Right? But doesn't that feel like a big burden?

It does.

To be carrying that around? And what if their job of whoever it is, if their job is to have their perspective of whatever perspectives they have, but what if your job is to decide who you are and you decide what's good? And also you decide that you can embrace the bad girl, right? Behind every single person that has a hypersensitivity to other people, that modifies themself to make other people happy, behind every single person, there's an immense amount of power that's untapped because they've been living under the guise of being the good person, of being the good kid, the good girl, the good boy. And underneath that energy, there's power that wants to come out, that wants to say, hey, This isn't okay. This is how I feel. Maybe a part of you, if you were, let's try on for a moment. What does the bad girl look like? See, what does the bad girl look like?

Like she doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah, there we go. There we go.

Like I just feel free. I just don't give a fuck. And I'm just chilling.

You're just chilling.

I'm just chilling.

Just chilling.

Yeah.

So if somebody else is like, if somebody else has a perspective, then maybe they have a perspective, maybe they don't. Whatever perspective they have, what would you say to that?

Fuck you.

Okay.

Or like, not fuck you, but it's like, if you do, then fuck you, but if you don't, like, cool.

I like that. Yeah, I like that. It's more so neutral. It's like, you don't have to, because, What happens after a people pleaser, after somebody that has that hypersensitivity starts going on the other side of being and embracing their dark side, there's an edginess because there's so many years of not doing it. So what happens is it's like the next time someone's like, hey, do you wanna go to a party that you don't wanna go to? You're like, no, I don't wanna go. You're like, and they're like, okay, gosh, I'm just used to you saying yes. No, it's not happening again. I don't wanna go. Just leave it alone. Right? Yeah. So there's this energy that's like, I'm gonna fight against that. And there's like this edginess. It's almost like a dog being let off the leash. It's like, ah, you know? But the answer may be to try on that energy and to be kind of in the middle with it. So what I like about the bad girl, by the way, is the bad girl is not attached to what somebody else thinks, right? And that somebody else, Let them have a less than nice opinion about you. Let them recognize you're a bad girl, right? They can see you as a bad girl and you don't have to try to, no, don't you see? I have great intentions and I did this and I helped this person and my ex, I was trying to fix them. And you see, like, you don't have to prove yourself to anybody, but that you can see it, that bad girl's inside of you. How many of you can see it, by the way? Can you see it? So the cool thing is that it's already inside of you. It's something that you already have the energy inside of you. Now, the key is the ability to really embody it, to really embody that energy. Some of this is cool intellectual ideas, right? But it's like, if you continue to believe that your worthiness is dependent on someone else liking you, someone else approving you, or there's such a desire to be seen as good you're gonna be abandoning the bad part of you. But here's the thing, the bad part of you isn't actually bad. The bad part of you is the part of you that maybe you just haven't practiced and you associate it as bad. For example, my ex-stepmom was very controlling. There were a lot of negative things my brother and I experienced growing up, but I will say, and I can acknowledge, she had a lot of power because she was relentless and she would like stand up She'd stand up for her daughters. She would stand up for people in certain situations. And what I found is I had to integrate that aspect of myself because anything that was— anyone that was assertive at all would immediately be interpreted as something that's bad. Does that make sense? When it's not. Being assertive isn't bad. But what happened is as I began to integrate this aspect of myself that I kind of put on the back burner because it was bad It was bad to express my opinion. It was bad to challenge somebody. That was all bad. But realize that's actually healthy. Now there's a healthy way to go about it and an unhealthy way to go about it. If someone has a perspective, you could tell they're judging you, you could be like, fuck you. That's one way to go about it. But the other way to go about it is to be like, oh, that's also their perspective. Everyone's gonna have their own perspective. It's not your job to manage their perspective. Just like your boyfriend or the person, was it your ex or your—

It was a situationship.

Situationship, got it. Which by the way, a lot of times in situationships, people abandon themselves to be in the situation because did you want it to be a situationship? No. Yep. So then abandonment can come on the back end of that when in fact that was something where you already had to abandon yourself to be in it. But see, the thing is, is the people you attract into your life are a reflection of what you believe you deserve and also of the energy you are enabling. So if when you have a secure attachment style, imagine it's like you're looking for people to play the games that have been on autopilot, right? So you're like, okay, I'm gonna play the game where I find someone that's broken that I can fix. And if I give them what they need and I fix them, then they're gonna love me. And then you go out into the world and you might meet people that are great candidates. One of two things are gonna happen. Either you're not gonna see them because they're in a different energy and they're like, hey, I don't play that game. Or you're gonna look at them and you're gonna go, boring, right? And there's a part of you that's just used to playing that game, right? So part of it is a selection. It's a selection thing, part of it. Part of it is a selection thing. You see someone that looks kind of broken, it's like, I'm attracted to that because there's something I can fix so I can finally show you how worthy I am. The challenge though is that your worthiness is only connected to what you do because you believe it is. You believe that that's the case, right? So for example, if we were to take this, Baby right here. Everyone look at the baby.

Isn't it cute?

I want you to hold the baby. Okay? So if you're holding the baby, now, as you hold the baby, is this baby worthy for what it does?

Yes.

Okay. What does the baby have to do to be worthy?

Just be a baby.

Okay. But what if the baby's like, I'm not going to be a baby? What would an example be of the baby not being a baby?

There is not one.

So is the baby connected— is the worthiness of a baby connected to what it does?

No.

Then what is the worthiness of a baby connected to?

Like her spirit, like—

Yeah.

Yeah, her spirit.

Yeah. So could we say that the baby is worthy for being a baby, it's just worthy because it exists.

Yes.

Now, do you see how the difference in the energy is that the baby is worthy because it exists, right?

Yeah.

What if we put the baby here and we said the baby is only worthy when the baby is not crying? You hold that. Yes. The baby is only worthy when it's not crying. The baby is only worthy if it sleeps for 7 hours a night. That's when the baby is worthy. And by the way, be a good baby. Be a good baby, right? Does this seem kind of silly?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if we were to look at that energy, for many of us, the baby that may represent like, who did we have to be growing up to get the love and approval of mom and dad, right? Who did you have to be?

I had to be the good girl.

Yep.

Always like, just don't cause no problems.

Yep.

Don't make me mad. Just stay out my way.

Yeah. Now the cool thing is at one point you were as worthy as this baby. You were a worthy baby that was just being. You didn't know how to be anything other than a baby. So you were worthy. So because of that, then what happened is that along the way something happened, mom or dad or something happened and they said, you be good girl. 'You will be good. You will be this. You will be that.' And you said, 'Okay, I will be good. I will fix. I will help. I will make these things my responsibility because if I give to you, then you will give back to me and you will deem me as the good baby, the good kid, the good girl.' Does that make sense?

Yeah.

So in essence, what is the breakthrough here for you so far with everything that we're mentioning?

I would say that I'm worthy. Yeah. Because, you know, people say I heard that before, like you're worthy, but it just never stuck to me. But when you brought the baby out, I'm like, okay.

Isn't that interesting? First off, it's interesting, right? Because it's so easy for us to see that a baby could be worthy, right? It's easy to see this baby is worthy, but we put all these rules as to what it takes for us to be worthy. The rules are you must be good, you must do this, you must stay out of my way, you must be seen and not heard, all of these things. And then we begin to reject that part of ourselves. And then we continue to bring those with us throughout our whole entire life. We continue to bring that to us and we just keep those beliefs on autopilot because we simply believe that instead of you just being who you are and that is enough, We've decided the baby is, or the baby has to do something to be worthy. So what is something you could take with you today when it comes to this whole interaction that you could begin to wire in? And like, what are ways you can embody more of that bad girl energy? And maybe let's look at bad and good. What do we consider bad and good, right? Because it's a judgment. Like maybe there's an assertive, the assertive part of you is not, bad, but it's got maybe an edge. Yeah. Right?

Yeah.

But it's just an interpretation. To someone else, that might be just authentic.

I would say that because I think I do know that I do have a bad girl, but I don't own her.

Yeah.

So like for Valentine's Day in my situationship, I told him what I wanted and he only got me strawberries. That's it? And I said that, that's it. But I wanted something so simple. I wanted candy, a teddy bear, and roses. And he showed up with that and I said something and then he was like, your stepmom, he got offended and I went back to being a good girl. So I just wanna own it.

What would it look like? How would that situation been different? So imagine I come to you, I've got, what do I have again? I have like a teddy bear.

I wish. Okay.

How many of you can feel the spiciness? Underneath it, right? Underneath the good girl, the one that's being nice, there's like this spicy, like, teddy bear. Where the fuck's my teddy bear?

He only has strawberries.

Strawberries?

Yeah.

Okay, so he brings you strawberries.

Yeah.

And okay, but is, well, it's a situationship. Okay.

Yeah.

Interesting. But it's, there's like, there's a couple ways we could go here, you know? Yeah. Okay, so what, but what would, I guess what was authentic for you in that moment, right? So first off, it sounds silly to say, but so you told him what you wanted and he got you one of the three things.

Yeah, it wasn't even on the list, but yeah, he only got me one thing.

What wasn't on the list, strawberries?

Yeah, that wasn't on the list.

Okay.

I mean, I guess it can count for candy.

I guess so, yeah.

Yeah.

But okay, so for you, So for you, is love connected to what somebody gives you?

It's more so because I expressed, I was vulnerable and I told you what I wanted and you didn't do that to make me happy, to make sure that I was happy. So I felt like you didn't care.

Yes. So let's look at that pattern for a minute. So the pattern, 'cause it's a similar pattern that we're talking to on this other side, right? Because love is connected to what somebody does. Right? If there was authenticity as the benchmark instead of what somebody does or the gifts that they buy, what is another benchmark for love? First off, if this is a situationship, do you want it to be a situationship? I think we already said that, right?

Yeah, no.

You don't want it to be a— so you're not okay with it being a situationship?

No. So we were trying, we were working past that. That's why I'm so mad. We had a conversation. We were trying to work past that and it's like, you did that? So you really He don't care.

Well, to be in this relationship to begin with, do you have to abandon yourself?

Yes.

Okay, have you expressed, this is what I'm looking for, and if this is not what you want, then I'm going to move on?

Yes, so we were supposed to be working towards something more serious.

Okay, but who's working towards something more serious?

It was supposed to be both of us.

Okay. You sound clear with what you want.

Yeah.

It sounds like you're kind of going with the plan because you're working towards something.

Yeah.

But what do you really want?

I want a boyfriend.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nope, let's give it up to her for that, okay? 'Cause that's what you really want.

Yeah.

You really want a boyfriend.

Yes.

Okay. And how long has this situation been happening?

Since November.

So, okay, so it's been—

November, December, January.

Yeah, it's been a minute.

Yeah.

So when it comes to this, one thing I would like to offer you the invitation to really lean into is to really lean into vulnerability and expressing how you feel and not being afraid to step back. Not being afraid to step back because one way to signal your value is having the ability to walk away if that desire isn't met. Because this could go on for a lot longer because you're just kind of tolerating and going with the flow. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

That's an internal process though. I'm not here to like say, call him right now. And you know, I'm not gonna do that. But what I will say is I'd like for you to really go into contemplating how authentic it is to be in the situationship. And do you really enjoy it or are you falling in love with potential?

Fall in love with potential for sure.

Yes.

Yeah.

Thank you for your honesty.

Yeah.

So you're falling in love with potential for seeing where things could go. I see. And what is that about?

Because it's like I see him changing a little bit. So he gives me like a little bit and I'm like, okay, it's growing.

So you're like subconsciously tied to his little spurts of growth or not growth.

Yeah.

But doesn't that feel like you're kind of like like a carrot dangling in front of you?

Yeah.

So what would it be like to reclaim that carrot back and to reclaim that power back?

It feels free, but I guess it just like feels sad at first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It might feel a little bit sad at first.

Yeah.

There might be some grieving of what could have been.

Yeah.

But I tell you one thing that I've seen happen quite often is there may be, I've seen it happen where people get married, where it's like they're in like one of these situation things. And then somebody says, you know what? This is actually what I'm looking for. And if this isn't what you're looking for, then I'm going to step away and withdraw my energy. And the person understands that. Maybe they go through a process for like a couple weeks and then they come back, but that's because they've come back now from a place of like valuing each other differently. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

I think the important thing here for you might be to really express yourself because when you were a kid, you weren't encouraged. It sounds like you weren't encouraged to express yourself, right?

Yeah, correct.

And you were probably like, you were probably like carried on a stick towards like these little like moments of like, you're a good girl, you're a good girl. And you're like, okay, I'm good. Okay, I'm good. Okay, I could fix her, I can help, or I can take the burden off the family, right?

Yeah.

So what is an alternative perspective to have around this that could allow you to be more authentic? 'Cause that's one thing I heard you say earlier, right?

Yeah.

You wanna be auth— What is the most authentic thing for you to do in regards to this experience?

I would say to express myself and not to be afraid of it. And if it is a problem, then accept it Accept that, hey, they probably are not meant for me.

Yeah.

'Cause sometimes I feel like I'm, I fear losing someone.

Yeah.

Yeah, so being okay with the bye-bye.

Yeah, being okay with the bye-bye.

Yeah.

I like that. Well, let's look at this. Let's look at this. Okay, so how does the good girl part of you respond? Like, thinks differently, right?

Yeah.

How does that, that version of you is what?

She's like people pleasing. Like, oh my God, like you got mad? Like, okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe the moment there's tension, you alter your frame and you're like, you know, it's okay. We can just keep seeing where this goes.

Yeah.

That's the good girl.

Yeah.

Now how is the bad girl part of you respond? So let's say you go and have this conversation and he like, he might test you or be like, see how firm your frame is.

Yeah.

Right? And what would happen then? It's like, come on, are you serious? Right?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

And then how would the bad girl respond to that energy?

She would state her claim.

Yep.

And then if it's an issue, she'll leave or she'll state her claim. If it's a problem, it's a problem.

Yeah.

But I'm not about to fold.

Right.

Yeah.

See? Let's give her a hand for that. That's awesome. So what is it that you actually want out of all the patterns that we've talked about today? What is the thing that you're most excited for that you want?

Just showing up in all relationships with no anxiety of worried about Is this friendship gonna work out? Are you gonna like me? I went out to lunch with people today. And I just was trying to be more present. It's okay. They're gonna like you and if not, then it's cool. Just not caring, just being.

Be unattached.

Unattached, yeah.

I like that. I think with this bad girl energy that we're talking about, there's this energy of just not being attached. You can still put your best self out there. You can still express yourself. And if somebody else doesn't vibe with it, it's okay. It's okay. It's actually a good sign of growth is that you do have people that don't resonate with you. It means you're really being the real you. You can be accepted for someone that you're not, or you can be rejected for someone that you are. Which one would you prefer? Because if you're being who you are, at least you approve of you and you like you. But if you're abandoning yourself to make other people happy, there's also a loss of respect within yourself. Does that make sense? So it's like with this other option, we're taking away the drip of letting them dictate your emotions, right? You get to decide what that is. And if you express yourself in the situationship and he is cool and he responds positively, then great. If he responds negatively, then great. You've saved yourself time. Because there are people out there that will see you and value you for you, especially the more that you start tapping into this energy where you are worthy 'cause you exist, not for what you do. And then you're not attracting people that you need to fix or get to come around. You don't have to talk people into loving you or talk people into seeing your worth, you know? And that for you could be, so what do you think the biggest takeaway from all this is? Kind of closing out what we're talking about?

To own who I am.

Yeah.

Don't be afraid of conflict.

Yeah.

Don't be afraid of the bye-bye and be a bad girl.

Yeah.

Like be a bad girl.

Embrace the bad girl.

Embrace the bad girl.

Okay, so the bad girl energy. What is one way you've wired in the bad girl energy over the last 24 hours?

We got a tattoo. Bad Boss Bitch.

What's it say?

It says Bad Boss Bitch.

There you go.

Yes, on my hand. Thank you.

That's a cool initiation.

Yes.

I think that's awesome.

It's official, I can't go back.

Every time you see it. Now the important thing, the important thing is that tattoos have the meaning that we give them. Every time you look at that or you see it, you can remember that energy, the energy difference. 'Cause remember what the energy difference was that when you were playing out the energy of being the good girl, the good girl that wants someone to think a certain way and feel a certain way. And if you could fix them, they're gonna reciprocate. But then the bad girl energy, right? Which is what?

It's, I'm worried about me. I'm worried like if you come into my life, are you making me feel good? I'm not gonna question that anymore. I'm not gonna fold to make you happy. I'm like, I'm happy.

And that's a different, that's a powerful energy shift, isn't it? Because on, we'll give it up for her. Thank you. So one is how do I get you to change so that you can change how I feel? The other one, is you're making a choice about who you are, knowing that how and they respond isn't reflective of anything that you have to take on. And it's not something you have to perform or prove yourself to. So let yourself, every time you remember that, every time you see that, that's fresh.

Yeah.

I can tell. When you get a tattoo, it's like really dark in the beginning and then it starts to fade. Yeah. Well, awesome.

I'm glad to get it.

Yeah, you're gonna see it and you're gonna be able to remember that. So awesome.

Thank you.

That changed my life. I thought that was cool.

I appreciate you.

Thank you.

Thank you.