Watch Her Heal Toxic Relationship Patterns in 27 Mins

You said sometimes you are self-criticizing of yourself.

Always.

Always. Okay. What is— what are maybe one or two thoughts that you've— oh, thank you. Yeah. If you could hold the mic up as well.

Thank you.

What are one or two thoughts that you have on a weekly basis that criticizes yourself?

Honestly, it's like my looks, always. I'm very self-conscious about my looks. Yep.

Yeah. What else? So about your looks, what is the belief or the thought about your looks?

I don't, well, this goes back to kind of the mother breakthrough. Yeah. Honestly, where she, from a young age, she always has put on me like, your looks are important.

Yeah.

Like, you know, everything's based off your looks.

So your value is based on your looks.

Yes.

Which is interesting.

Yes.

Even me growing up, I had a firefighter dad where it's like, I was a reflection of him. So tuck in your shirt and comb your hair to the side. That was growing up. That's what I had to do. Tuck in my shirt, comb my hair to the side. And I had to present myself in a certain way when I was around his friends. And I used to rebel against that. For you, it sounds like it was your value is based on how you look. You must be presentable. Yeah, I was into that, right?

Yeah.

So what is the thought? Let's summarize that thought into a quick little statement. What is the thought? The criticizing thought.

Like my value is— on my looks.

What would you say in your mind about your looks on like a daily basis? Like, how would you internalize that? Like, I don't look this enough. I don't look—

Yeah, like, I just pick— honestly, I pick myself apart.

Well, give me, give me, give me a thought. Like, specific thought about my looks? Yes.

Like, I fell when I was young and I crushed this side of my face, and I felt honestly like I look so deformed. When I look in the mirror. Yeah, like I feel deformed.

Okay.

And not to mention, like, my mother too, she was a bad alcoholic, and like she caused a lot of trauma just internally.

I hear.

Anyways, so what is—

okay, so about your looks, what is another self-criticizing thought about my looks? Just about anything. You said you're self-critical of yourself.

Yeah, I just don't feel, I guess, really worthy. It's like I've based everything off the outside in this physical body, but it's like my soul. I feel confident with like my heart. Like, I know I have a good heart, but it's like out here in this 3D physical world, it's like, what is this? Like, I don't know. I just feel like I have to look, you know, to be accepted. Or—

I see.

Yeah. So does that make sense?

It does. I hear what you're saying. So, so part of it is Feeling not, feeling deformed or feeling like not attractive or whatever it is. Now, if you were to imagine yourself.

Like no makeup, I could, that's a.

So if you were to hold this baby right now.

Yeah.

So imagine what are some of those criticizing thoughts that you have?

Yeah.

And can you imagine saying that to a baby?

Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, so can you say to the baby.

Right.

You look deformed.

Right. Yeah, that's terrible. Say it. Say it. You look deformed. That's awful. I can't say that.

What was under the other thoughts that you had?

Just like—

You said something about being worthy. What was the other one?

Yeah, like you're not worthy. You know, you're not cute enough or pretty enough or just very shallow. It's very shallow.

Isn't it interesting how once we put— it's almost like as she's talking about herself, we can relate to that in some ways, right? We all self-criticize ourself in many different ways. What you are saying, by the way, it's not personal to you. Everyone feels that in some way. Am I right? We all have that. Now what's interesting is when I put a baby in your arms, can you see how the energy shifts? Because how, once again, ridiculous is it that we say to a baby, you're deformed. You're not pretty enough. I'm sorry. This thing happened when you were 1.

It's terrible.

Yeah, the dimple's not even symmetrical. Look at that dimple over there. Baby has a dimple on one side. That's not symmetrical, right? That's not up to beauty standards of what we consider to be beautiful. Like missing a little bit of hair up here. Oh my God.

The hair is frizzy.

The hair is not even—

The hair is frizzy.

She have like a hereditary thing, you know? It's kind of unnormal, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. A little chunky. Yeah.

But you see how silly this looks once again, right?

Yeah.

Now, sometimes we rationalize toxic language to ourselves because we think we deserve it. Or we think that like it's acceptable. Not realizing how toxic it is. And if you put a baby in your arms and we're holding a baby and we're thinking about all of these negative thoughts that are, you know, these self-criticizing things that we say to ourselves, imagine at moments holding a baby and saying that to them because the same energy, your energy was once inside, you were a baby at one point. And then at a certain moment, you put these high expectations, you put these high standards on yourself. And then you started talking down to yourself, judging yourself in the same way, would you judge a baby that same way? And of course, the whole purpose of this is for us to become aware. So what are some—

Like our inner child.

Yes. So what would you say to your inner— Imagine this is your inner child, a representation of your inner child. What would you say to your inner child that maybe they didn't feel or hear enough growing up. This child, all this child heard, by the way, was your looks are very important. Your looks are very important. How you look is important and whatever else you were told, right? What would you want to have told, tell that inner child part of you?

Like, you know, you're just beautiful the way you are. Like you don't have to, everything is not based off like the outer. And like, just, you know, have a good heart and just be a good person. And like, boundaries are important. That's important. I'm learning that. Yeah.

Well, and it's interesting because what you're talking about is also a reflection of this external internal thing. Yeah. Where if our sense of value is based on the external, who do I have to be to get everybody else to be happy so that I can feel safe on the internal? It's what do other people think about me? Because there's a loss of gravity of not knowing what do I think about me? If you know who you are and you're centered in that within yourself, you then don't have to tune to everybody else to say, who do I need to be to make you happy? Is this making sense? So what this might be also calling for is for one to have a more of an understanding of how you are relating to these other aspects of you that, the way that you consciously are talking to yourself. But the other side of it is too, is like what, okay, so instead of looks are very important, you said that surface level. That means that it's not the whole of you. Am I right?

Right.

What is a deeper thing that you act, that you relate to, that you think is more representative of your value?

Just like who I am, or I have a good heart. Like, I just have a good heart and I really care about people, you know?

And I can feel that you have a good heart.

Yeah.

And can you guys all feel this just for talking?

What's crazy is my mom did too. Like, my mom's very loving, but she just was so toxic and abusive as well on the alcoholic side of it. So it's like that kind of like—

and interestingly enough, yeah. Not that this makes it right, but can you see how maybe your mom may have been that way with her childhood?

Yeah, like how it happened to her.

Exactly. Maybe it's a played pattern. Maybe alcoholism runs in the family. Maybe she was told your looks are very important growing up. Maybe she was growing up and she didn't look a certain way and she lost out on opportunities or she got in trouble or she got rejected or whatever.

She was very pretty too. And she had a lot of opportunities until the alcohol thing. And then that really went downhill.

Yeah.

But my grandma was very controlling with her, so my mom—

Well, think about control, right?

She rebelled really bad with my grandma, so yeah.

But if you think of control, control is like a rigid energy that's like, there's a certain way you have to be, right? And if there's a certain way you have to look, there's like this, there's still that control energy.

It still continued, yeah.

So what's interesting is your mom—

In a different way it continued.

Yes, in a different way it continued, but your mom, It's like there was just patterns that were subconscious that were playing themselves out. She actually had good intentions, as crazy as that sounds. She probably was like, I want my daughter to succeed in the world and for her to succeed, she must be pretty and look a certain way and be a certain way.

Yeah.

Right?

You're right. Yeah.

Is that interesting? What's coming up for you now that you're realizing that?

That just makes a lot of sense because it's like, I know, and I know that she loves me, too, but then it's like, she just did so much damage and I don't know what to do with that either. I'm still going through that, like forgiveness, like you said.

Well, that's kind of what we're talking about.

Yeah.

So what is the thing you could begin to forgive between you and your mom? Now it doesn't have to be a specific thing, but like, where are you at that with that process?

Like, where can I— yeah, I feel like since I've, you know, moved so far away from everyone, it's helping. Yeah. To— for my energy to their energy, because it's all toxic, right? They're all toxic. So, and very codependent. They're all very codependent. It's like I'm the one having to break the whole generational—

how are you breaking— how are you breaking that codependent pattern?

Just getting out of it.

That's one way to do it.

One thing. And just even realizing that what's going on there is so toxic, like I'm the only one that's getting out of it.

Yeah, what's interesting a lot of times in codependent families and codependent relationships is guilt is used as a mechanism to keep people doing what they want you to do. Is that a realization?

Oh my God.

That's something that you've seen in your family?

Always, always made me feel guilty. If I did anything different, you know, or didn't let them use me in some way or—

And what it sounds like now is you're becoming aware of the pattern and they cannot make you feel guilty. They can have a frame and you can choose that frame. You can choose to buy into that, but you can also choose not to buy into that. You can choose to like not let that sway you. Does that make sense? There may have just been a belief that you have to, to be in the family, to be accepted. So what is a way that you can begin to continue breaking that pattern?

I think just keep doing this kind of thing, doing the inner work. And, you know, I've been really— for like 8 months I've been— or 9 months.

That's awesome.

Well, I had— I went through 2 narcissistic relationships almost back to back, so that caused me to start doing a lot of inner work. And just like, yep, you know, and I've been working on boundaries with my family for a long time. It's been in little, right, little steps. Yeah, I've been making progress.

Yep.

But so now I've just kind of been in the isolation mode where I'm like, yeah, digging really deep and just really going hard at like digging deep, right, what's in there.

That's awesome. Yeah, well, moving forward, I think you're doing— you're already doing this kind of work. It is an unlayering process. Yeah, it's like you You're aware that you were in a narcissistic relationship and then that ended and then you were in another narcissistic relationship. So something to become aware of is in the selection process of that, normally there's this balance of love bombing and certain things that are red flags that you see as red roses, right? You're like, oh, this person. So, and with codependency in the family, that being a dynamic, That is also a very common codependent relationship. The relationship between the narcissist and empath, right? Yeah.

And you abandon yourself.

Yes.

Yeah.

Which of course, that kind of person is going to, like the narcissist is going to abandon you because you've already abandoned yourself to be into the relationship. It's just, you do it over and over and over again, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So part of it to be aware of as well, anytime there's a narcissist empath connection, is becoming aware that the narcissist actually has something to teach you.

Right.

There is something to learn from that. Yeah. Both the narcissist and the empath has a disowned part of themselves that the other possesses. Now on the narcissist side of it, even though it's toxic and manipulative, they have a strong sense of perceived self. It's a false sense of self, but it's a strong sense of it. So when you meet a narcissist, they appear very charismatic and very confident, and they'll say things to you that gets you to do what they want you to do. And there's a lot of manipulation that happens, but they carry this characteristic that feels safe to someone that is more of an empath. So there's this disowned aspect of self that is still, it's built in toxic shame, by the way, as well. And they have to cover that up by appearing a certain way and by controlling different people. But on the other side of that, the empath who feels everybody's energies tends to attract, and who's very empathic, is the opposite side of that, that has something to teach the empath. But it's 'cause it's the part of themselves that's very open and very connective and very relational. At the same time, there is an energy that is also there that is getting something from the narcissist in the sense that the narcissist is supplying a certain level of frame. Does this make sense? There's a certain level of frame there. It's a toxic shame-ridden frame, but it is a frame. Now, the other side of this to become aware of too though with the empath is that the empath has to abandon themselves to even be in the relationship. But also it's being aware that the mechanisms for getting the needs met, while the narcissist takes and demands and controls, the empath gives to then get. This is the thing that sometimes it's hard to be aware of because what happens is the empath is giving to then get. It's a subconscious thing that they may not even be aware of sometimes, but there is something that you get out of it. Just like in a narcissist-empath relationship, the empath gets this constant game of trying to make the narcissist happy. It gets these false, these promises that keep them kind of like, a carrot on a stick going in that direction. But what happens is when you start taking your power back and you start being more in the middle, if you imagine like this side is the narcissist, this side's the empath, it's like they each have something they could integrate within each other that they can then learn. And then once you get into the middle of there, you no longer have to attract the narcissist as a reflection. Does this make sense?

Yeah.

So it's almost, there's a small, one moment, we'll get to you. There's something to be learned and integrated on either side of it. So that awareness sometimes can be hard to look at for many of us because it's like, wait, I, 'cause most people that are empaths that can feel other people's energies, part of it is rooted in identity that says, I am a giver. Some of you are probably thinking right now, well, this isn't a bad, it's not a bad thing to be an empath. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be an empath. What I'm saying is if you're abandoning yourself for other people, that's not conducive to a healthy relationship with yourself. And there is a shadow mechanism there that it's like, if I give, then I can get. And there's something that you're getting out of that relationship. There's something you're getting out of that dynamic. You're getting their approval, you're getting their validation, you're getting their sense of frame, Whatever it is, it's important to be aware of what that hidden motivation is because then you can start to be more so in the center of it. You can start, instead of tuning to them, you can start tuning and you can learn from that of how to integrate your power inside of yourself. So what is the, from everything that we're talking about today, what is the biggest insight that's here for you today that you can take with you moving forward and continue Gosh, just everything.

Like this whole thing's been transformative and the breathwork was amazing. And I feel like forgiving my family right now is what I need to work on, the forgiveness part.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, yeah, that's hard. Yeah. And yeah, that's hard. And not just her, but there's like other women figures, my stepmom and my godmother. All toxic in different ways. And it's like, yeah, I've not really had a healthy woman, like, role model, really. So it's like I'm trying to figure it out and be like the first one and like break all this.

Are there any— are there any archetypes or women that are like a symbol of that divine, that, that mother energy? It could be someone that's in the public eye, it could be some, uh, character.

Gosh. I don't know. I think I have a lot of work to do around.

Well, no, it's what you can do is begin relating, like even in that meditation to be doing that meditation and connecting to the Divine Mother energy, whatever that symbol is for you, you can begin to connect to that as a form of inspiration. But what you can start doing is becoming aware of in reality, are there other, people, characters, representations of that divine mother energy that you can begin relating to. Because when the belief is all the women in my life are toxic, there's a big story there that you carry with you everywhere you go. So if you were to believe, for example, that all women are toxic, all the women in my life are toxic, and you begin walking around, you're literally only gonna perceive of who, of where that is, right? Of like who you bring into your life is in alignment with that belief that only toxic women are coming to my life, right? And that's something to be aware of is that it starts to open up the door when you realize that maybe in your experience, you've had this toxic energy that you're becoming aware of, but there's other people in reality that aren't like that. So it's not everybody. It's just this experience that gets a lot of attention.

Yeah, even with men too, like attracting toxic men, toxic, all of it. What I came out of though, but that's what I'm trying to like break that.

Yeah, well, you're doing it. It always starts with awareness. It starts with awareness. You're aware of these patterns. You're aware and you're doing this inner work. You're feeling and allowing yourself to like do these powerful steps of self-inquiry. And I'd recommend that the next step is really looking at, how you relate to yourself.

Yeah.

So that instead of talking to the baby, instead of talking to yourself, yeah, remember that baby in your arms. And would I say this to a baby?

Right.

What does that inner child part of me needs to hear right now?

Yeah, the inner child. Yeah, yeah.

And would you be so self-criticizing to that part of you?

I know.

Okay.

Yeah, that's deep.

Awesome. Deep. Yeah. Well, let's give her a hand.

Yeah.

Awesome. Thank you very much. Now what we are going to do is we are going to do that of a worthy baby contest. Okay? We are going to see which of these babies is the most worthy. All right? Now, I want you guys to play all out. Now, this baby right here, this is a baby that sleeps throughout the night. This baby is very cute. She goes goo goo ga ga. She's very interactive with mom. And there's this beautiful interaction that she has when she interacts with other people. Okay. This baby right here is a little bit more goofy. This baby's a fun baby, but nonetheless, this baby cries a little bit more. All right. This baby has a little bit more needs and is a little bit more— it's very vocal. Mom and dad aren't able to sleep as much, but nonetheless, still a baby. And this baby over here is just so young and so small that doesn't really do that much. So it may not be as worthy as the other babies because it doesn't do as much. Okay. Now, here's the thing. What we're going to do right now is remember how I asked for everyone to play all out. So what I'd like for you to do is you have to pick one baby that is your favorite baby. And you have to pick one baby that is your least favorite baby. Okay? I'm going to hold up the babies. You have to cheer as loud as you can for the baby that you deem as most worthy, and you have to, that you feel the most connection to, and then you have to boo the loudest. And I'm talking, you can't just go, boo. You have to like angrily boo whichever baby you choose that is not the most worthy baby. Okay? So, first off, if this you believe is the most worthy baby, can you please cheer? Okay. There we go. Now, okay, if you think this baby is not the most worthy baby, make some noise. There we go. Okay. Interesting. Okay, that was baby number 1. Let's move on to baby number 2. This baby is in a cute little outfit, looks very playful. If you are for this baby— all right, there we go, there we go. Wow, wow, okay. Now, on the other side of that, if you are not for baby number 2, let me hear a boo.

Boo!

All right, yeah. Okay. Now, and final, we've got baby number 3. All right, if you are for baby number 3, let me hear some noise.

Woo!

All right. There we go. And if you are against baby number 3? All right, that side of the room. Interesting. All right. That's very interesting. So, let me first off ask this. How ridiculous does this look? Right? We are all booing or cheering for our favorite worthy baby. Now, as— yeah, it's triggering, right? Now, here's the thing with babies. What do these babies need to do to be worthy? What do they need to do? Do they need to wear funny little playful outfits like this baby over here? Maybe they wear cute little outfits. Maybe then it's a worthy baby. Right? Maybe the baby just needs to be just a little bit younger and then it's so cute, wear a little top hat, then it's cute. Maybe if it sleeps a little bit longer throughout the night so that you're getting more sleep, you're then more in a better state to where then you're able to appreciate the baby more. Right? Maybe. But same with all these babies. It's silly because we know that the babies are inherently worthy just for being themselves. So my question to you is, when did you start believing that you had to do something to be worthy instead of realizing that just like a baby, you are inherently worthy because you exist? You are inherently worthy. It's built into who you are. There's nothing you need to do to be worthy. At a certain point in our past, growing up, we decided My worth is connected to what I do. If I am quiet enough, if I am seen and not heard, if I make mom and dad happy, then I can feel worthy. I can feel enough. We put all these rules on ourselves now. We put all these really high expectations on ourself now of what it takes for us to feel worthy, not understanding that your sense of self-worth is built in. To who you are, and it's not connected to doing. But imagine if growing up, you eventually began to believe that you had to prove your sense of worthiness to people. You had to prove that you were a good person. You had to prove that you were enough. You had to prove your sense of self-worth by helping and fixing other people. If you put that expectation on yourself, What ends up happening? You put this high pressure on yourself 'cause you don't feel worthy for just being you. So my question to you now is when did you stop, when did you start believing you had to do anything to be worthy? Is there a certain time in your past where you started to believe in order to make mom and dad happy, I have to be this way? Is there a certain part of your past that you started to, you maybe started to put this expectation on yourself and you took yourself out of being in the present moment and you put it into this mental construct of who you have to be? And that's what the self-inquiry practice is now, is becoming aware of this energy inside of yourself.