Watch Her Let Go of Her EX… And Him Text “I Miss Us” while on stage

I am trying to break a pattern.

Yeah, what is that pattern?

9 years, periods of relationship, separation, relationship, separation. During the separation periods, I feel like I take 2 steps forward. I can stand in my frame, I make progress, really good things happen.

Yeah.

And then he comes back.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Isn't it interesting how things will happen a lot of times if there's a relationship that you're in or a dynamic with a friend, etc.? And when you want something from them or there's a certain expectation there, remember, it's like we repel with the expectation or the energy being projected at him or at the person. But then you get in your own frame of reality. You get into what you are passionate about. You start filling up your own cup. And then as a response to that, people energetically feel that and either come back to you or tune into you. And what I notice is a lot of times when I'm in certain states of energy, There are certain people that I run into when I'm in high states of energy and there's some people I run into only when I'm in low states of energy, even synchronistically. Like, how did this happen? Have you ever had that happen before? You're like, uh-oh, I just ran into this person. Like what? Uh-oh. It's like almost a sign because you know that you only really resonate with certain people when you're in certain states of consciousness or you're in certain energies. Right? So what you've just said, I think is a powerful testament. First off, you focus on yourself. You've got all this good stuff coming and then he creeps back through the back door, right?

Boom.

Yeah.

And I find it really hard to say no.

Yeah.

I find it hard to set the boundary again and I go two steps back.

Why do you feel like it's hard to say no?

Because I think there's a part of me that feels my success is tied up with him. I perceive him to be very successful.

Yeah. So is it, do you want his validation and approval?

I hate to say it, but I think I do. I think there's a part of me that needs it. Yeah.

Yeah. What is the part of you that needs it?

The part that's abandoned myself, that is not in my frame.

So what's a very powerful symbol for what she's sharing right now is that there might be an inner child part of you that feels it needs validation and approval. And that inner child part of you, if we don't listen to that inner child part of us, We will look for it in the external. And especially if as a kid, maybe an authority figure, maybe mom or dad didn't give it, it may be something that we secretly are trying to find in our partners because we're trying to close the loop from childhood. So the thing is, is you might be looking for that in this person, but the thing is, is it's not in the person. Where is that approval and validation that you're searching for in him? Even though you give him the story, he's very successful at business, he's an authority, right?

Yeah, I know it's within myself, but I feel it's a question for me of stamina. And I feel like, you know, I've been building my spiritual muscle, I've spent a year doing it, and then I get tired and I run out of the stamina. The stamina is like not strong enough. Yeah, so I can do it for a bit and then I get tired and then I give in.

And then you give in. So when, when you say stamina, is it him just trying to come back?

Yeah, it's like the persistent setting of boundaries gets tiring, and then I just feel like I can't do that anymore. So I don't know.

Let's look at that for a minute. So to set boundaries is tiring. Is that true?

I think it's true for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Let me ask you another question. How do you respond or react when you believe that?

With defeat.

With defeat. Yeah. Interesting. Now, the thing is, is if any of you, have you ever heard of Byron Katie? She has something called The Work, which is the 4 simple questions. It's a self-inquiry practice where you question your beliefs. So the first question is, is it true? Is it true that you can't set boundaries or it's very hard to set boundaries? And you say, yes, it's true, right? Let me ask you a second question, which is the second question. Can I absolutely know that that is true?

No, because actually every boundary I've respected for myself, he has respected also.

Yeah.

So it's the ones I try to respect. Interesting.

So he's respected the boundaries that you've respected for yourself.

Yeah.

Do you guys see that? What is an example of one of those if you feel like you can share? Like what's a boundary that—

Yeah. Recently just saying, I don't have capacity for conversations about his stepdaughter, my stepdaughter, sorry, his daughter. And just, I don't have emotional capacity for that. So I set a boundary around it.

Yeah. And what in your body is different about that than the success and the other stuff. Because a lot of this is self-generated, self-generated context. So it's like in one area, it's easy for us to set boundaries. And then another area, it might be very hard to set boundaries. So now what we know is that it's not hard to set boundaries. It's easy to set boundaries in certain contexts. Isn't that true?

Yeah, that's a low risk one for me.

Okay, so low risk. So there's, The thing that we consider to be high risk. So now what we've become aware of within the belief system is that in the belief system, it's not that setting boundaries is hard. Setting boundaries is actually pretty easy in certain contexts, right? But setting boundaries is hard when there is high risk believed to be in it, right? So what do you believe about high risk? What makes it high risk with the whole success thing? Can you give an example, by the way, of like, I can't say boundaries. Yeah, yeah.

Um, that I don't know what I want to do right now, so I want time. So the boundary I'd like to set is to say, I don't know and I need time to pause. That feels high risk because there's a possibility that, that he might say no and disappear forever, right? So that feels like the high risk. Yeah. And maybe that—

what if he does? What if you express something that's true for you And then he said, this is too much for me. And he disapparated like in Harry Potter. He's gone, right?

That might be really good news. And I would feel really abandoned.

That might be good news, you said?

Yeah.

Why would that be good news?

Because then I go back to focusing on myself and my success.

Interesting. Do you guys see how we're kind of peeling back the layers here? Right? So it sounds like there's a part of you that it's hard to set boundaries. There's a part of you where it's easy to set boundaries. There's a part of you that might say this is high risk and then you label something as high risk. So is the avoidance around vulnerability of actually expressing how you feel?

And that it's not safe to express how I feel. That's a childhood thing. It's never been safe to express emotions.

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. You're saying that it might be a solution if he disapparated like in Harry Potter.

But then I have to do all the work, you know, then I have to do it for myself.

So you're getting something out of this then?

Yeah, I'm passing that responsibility to him in a way that my success is tied up with that. So if I'm not with him, then maybe that's why I'm not successful.

Yeah, maybe what's keeping you tied to this relationship is the belief that you can't do it yourself, and the actual vulnerability might be the solution. And there's like an aspect of your psyche that understands that. Isn't that interesting? Like a part of you is like, if they disappear like Harry Potter and just dissipated, you're like, that could be a solution. I would not imagine if you're in a deep relationship or married or something, there's not a part of you that's like, it'd be a solution if they just left my life forever. You know what I mean? Like a healthy relationship, that's not something you would say. Yeah, there was a moment where I was like, if you dissipated, I'd maybe never wanna see you again, but then we made it work. You know what I mean? Maybe in certain moments, but it sounds like you going back and forth and back and forth and then you let go. And funny enough, when you let go, things go well for you.

Yeah.

You start focusing on yourself, all these good things start happening and he creeps through the back door, right? He creeps in. But when he creeps in, you're like, no, no. But then you're like, okay, I guess you can come in. And then you're patterning that person to know that every time you're like, no, don't come back, don't come back. And then they come back and you're like, Okay, now I'm in this again.

And the pattern is that he always leaves again.

And then he leaves again. Yeah. And does he leave again once you start leaning back into him? Yeah. Yeah. Well, not even that, not to, you know, saying no. Everyone right now say the word no. Say it again.

No.

Say it again.

No.

Is it hard to say no? No. It's not hard to say no. But what you think is you believe that saying no is hard. And the reason saying no is hard is because all these stories and things from the past and what it will mean if you say no and what if you say no and this person rejects you, that's all a form of control. If your body is feeling no and you say no, that's an authentic thing for you to express. That's congruent to what's real for you. If you say yes when you really mean no, you're abandoning yourself. And then you say, it's hard to say no. It's easy to say no, right? The reasons you have to say the opposite of how you feel is because you might be afraid of vulnerability. You might be in wonder, like, can I actually do this myself? That's an honest thing to look at. But the thing is knowing that maybe this is an opportunity for you to go deeper inside of yourself and to trust something else. Trust God, the universe, the divine. And when you trust that, it's like the conversation isn't the basis of whether you're on the streets or not. The conversation is like it will filter out for you who's really meant to be in your life. So it sounds like that conversation is actually a solution, doesn't it? Yeah.

And you've highlighted the bit that's really important for me, which is I'm not doing this on my own. I've got Supportive.

You've got the divine to help you. You know, what happens is even if you express it and there's a certain response, you'll be surprised that when you're with somebody and you start being vulnerable, it will maybe repel away the people that aren't meant to be in your life, but it will also attract to you the people that are meant to be in your life. And that vulnerability can be something that really creates like a powerful ripple effect of, more loving deep connections, more alignment, more connection to God or the universe, everything. And you said it so yourself, when you focus on you and you're in your own frame, good stuff happens. But then you get tested with this energy over here. And it's like, have you learned this lesson yet? And it's like, but because you keep tolerating it and you keep letting it in, he also knows that he can use that. He knows that you say no, it doesn't really mean no. In certain contexts, you know?

Right. We teach people how they can treat us by showing what we'll tolerate.

Exactly. Now imagine, is there a difference between saying no, saying no, or saying no? Can you guys all feel the difference? No, don't leave. Don't come in. Don't come back. No, don't. You feel the energy difference?

That's what it looks like.

So with one thing, you're probably like, no, right? No, it could be, no can be very soft and calm. No, no, right? Then there can also be like, no, where you're like just coming into your power, right? And you're like, you haven't set a boundary in a long time. So somebody comes up and like, hey, do you wanna go to that party? And you're like, no. Reminds me of like Wingardium Leviosa. It's like, no. And there's, ah, it's like this big deal. It really doesn't have to be a big deal. It could just be like, no, right? Or it's not really no, it's like, no, like that other thing, right? Well, probably what you were doing to attract the, to keep him, he keeps coming back is 'cause you're like, no.

Yeah, and then I'm the scary no.

Yeah, instead of just saying no. But you also come at a resolve inside of yourself. Does that make sense? At a peace inside of yourself. And many times when you say no to a pattern that you know isn't right for you or doesn't resonate with the person you're becoming, you then allow yourself to say yes to people that will resonate with you at a deep level. You allow yourself to say yes to new opportunities to come into your life. You allow a lot more to come in in space of that energy that was, 'cause that takes up a certain energetic bandwidth to be around him, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah. That energy bandwidth, you're gonna, what happens for a lot of people when they're around people that maybe aren't good for the nervous system or maybe dysregulated is there's like a lot of drama and energy that takes a lot of space and energy to be around. And then when that person leaves or they're not around, you've got all this energy to put in yourself, but for a while you might actually feel a little bit empty, right?

Or worse.

What's worse?

Yeah.

Yeah, you could feel, and then you're looking for something to funnel that into. That space though is also where you could begin connecting to God or the universe. That space though, you can also begin connecting more inside yourself, inside your own heart. But the thing is, is it's like where we might be used to, it might be familiar to have that person there. And like you said, it's been off and on for so many years, right?

Yeah. And that's the trust piece, which is the tough bit some days.

Yeah. Yeah. If you say so. Could you come up here for a moment? That's just kind of as an example of the group for embodying this energy. Let's give it up for her real quick. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for coming up. So if you were to imagine that I am him, okay, could you express to me as if I am him what you would say? And then also knowing that however I respond, that's inside of me, it's not your thing to manage. So what would you say if you were having this conversation with him right now?

Hello.

Hello.

I hear you. I hear that you want to come back. This is not a good time for me. I'm not open to this relationship.

I see. So it's easier to say, I'm not open to this conversation.

Yeah.

Because I'm thinking to myself, what about next week? Will you be ready for the conversation then?

Or tomorrow.

Or tomorrow, right? So how does it— first off, once again, is it true? Is it true that you will not be okay without him?

No.

No. But how do you feel and respond when you believe that thought?

Terrified.

Yeah, terrified. And then probably cave in a little bit more, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, the moment that you say, I'm not open to this conversation. Okay, I'll try next week.

Yeah, my whole body weakens. I can feel it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So take another breath. Let go. And observe and let that emotion be there. Let the weakness come. Let the fear come. Let the devastation come. Whatever else is coming up that you feel, you're not gonna be okay, let that be there. That's literally like the old pain body beginning to dissolve as you let it be there. It's just what happens is we feel uncomfortable emotion and what do we do? We go back into it. Okay, well I'll just keep this energy in my life. I'll just be open to the conversation in 3 days from now. How do you respond? You already mentioned that. So who would you be without that? That's the fourth question. Who would you be without the thought or belief that you can't live without him?

Healthy.

Yeah. Healthy.

Yeah.

Yeah. And how else?

Strong.

Strong and healthy. It's the opposite of weak.

Yeah.

The opposite, you'd be strong. Yeah, powerful.

Yeah.

Did you feel those difference in the energy?

Yeah, I really do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How many of you guys can feel the difference in her energy right now? Just her tapping into that, right? So in that perspective, if you give permission for yourself to feel those emotions that come up, in that same conversation, you can feel it, let it be there and acknowledge it, not try to resist it and say, well, I don't feel this because then it stays repressed or suppressed in your body. Right? So you give yourself permission to do it. So let's try it again. If you imagine right now in this dynamic and from what you've expressed, it's like there's kind of like two doors, right? One door is a connection to someone else where it's a non-healthy dynamic. This one door has a connection to yourself. And when you're connected to yourself, you're magnetic, you're attractive, he's coming back. Because of that energy. Yeah. And you're strong and you're connected to your family and you're healthy, right? But every time you open the door over here with this person, because of the pattern that you're aware of and because of what you expressed earlier, you say yes to this, you're saying no to that. Do you see that?

Yeah, I do now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if you were to say, so by saying no to this, you're also saying yes to this. So remember that sometimes when it's hard for us to say no to someone or something, What you can begin thinking about is what you're actually saying yes to. Because when you say no to doing something or being around someone that's maybe toxic for your energy, you are saying yes to a healthy regulated nervous system. You're saying yes to the part of yourself you used to abandon. You're saying yes and you're priming you of how you wanna be treated, right? Mm-hmm. So now imagine you're feeling strong, You're feeling connected, healthy, powerful, confident, all of those words that you just said. Now in that energy, take a deep breath. And now if you were, what would you say to this connection, to this relationship, to this potential for a relationship? What do you say to that now?

I'm closing our connection.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can we give it up for that? And how does that feel?

I've got tingles all over my body. Yeah, yeah. I feel like I've just come back. There are senses, everyone.

Something's happening.

I'm alive.

Yeah, you're still alive. Yeah, yeah. And what happens is it's like the thought, the belief, it's like the ego's grasping for what it knows. So it's like, don't say no, right? Like, what, we'll be ready eventually. Maybe in a week from now we'll talk or whatever. It's okay that that's there. That's a survival mechanism. But what you've also done is you've allowed yourself to feel that, and then you're also remembering what you will say yes to, right? And when you say no to an unhealthy relationship or a dynamic that's like a situationship, you are then allowing yourself to say yes to the actual relationship or people with the regulated nervous system that you can actually co-regulate with. So it's important to become aware and remember that even in the moment when it's uncomfortable, because it might also be more uncomfortable when he's here or he's there and he's like feeling emotion or he's feeling energy or he's using all these tactics. Also, it kind of like, if you believe the tactics, it can be hard, right? Not to say we're using this in a grandiose way, but what happens if you had a toddler and the toddler wanted their milk or something, or they wanted ice cream, right? And imagine the toddler's being kind of, it's acting up and is hitting things or hitting people and stuff like that and they want ice cream. Like, "I want ice cream." And they're kicking stuff. They're like trashing stuff. Like, "I want ice cream." And you were observing that. There's a part of you that can observe that and let them be in their pain. Let them be in the fact that they want ice cream. but they might not be getting ice cream and it's okay that they feel what they feel. But if you believe you're responsible for them and you give whatever they're saying power, what'll happen is you then start, oh my God, you want ice cream, you want ice cream. Oh my God. You believe so much in them wanting that and you believe it's your responsibility to give it to them that what you might actually be doing is enabling that energy, but you're believing it and that's why it looks the way that it does. In a similar way, if you're watching and he's like, he's gonna use tactics.

Yeah, just to get him to stop shouting and screaming and kicking, right? With the toddler analogy, sometimes it's just easier to say yes to stop.

Right, exactly. Yeah, here's the ice cream. Now you're gonna go off to the side, you're gonna be quiet for the next like hour until the sugar kicks in. And then I'll deal with it then, right? That's kind of what's happening though.

Consequences.

What's happening is it's kind of like he's going, and then he's able to keep coming back.

Yeah.

Right? But the only reason it's coming back is because you keep saying yes.

Yeah.

Right? Yeah. So the thing is, is when he comes up and when, so if you were to say it again, could you say what you said again about closing the connection, about what was authentic for you?

Yeah. I'm closing this connection.

Okay, so even if I were to kick something over here or then use some tool or to be like, but what about this? What about our connection? But what about the kids? What about all this other stuff?

I think I'm already good.

What if I get a reverse vasectomy?

Huh? Oh, shit. Yeah, that would be— that would be a tough one.

I will get a reverse vasectomy if that means we can stay together.

I don't want your DNA. Oh, I don't know.

Yeah. What did you say a minute ago when I said the vasectomy? You said something else. And then what was that?

Oh, I'm already walking through this door. I love that. Yeah.

So imagine yourself now walking through that door.

Yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Thank you.

And then I can be left over here. I can be left over here by myself. Okay. Hello. So can you explain a little bit? I kind of heard what happened, but I thought it'd be cool to kind of hear about it.

Well, after I shared up here yesterday, when we broke for lunch, I switched my phone back on. Yeah. I had 2 missed calls and 5 messages. And the first message said, "I miss us." Okay, okay. I think I'd gone energetically already.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So here is the golden question. How did you respond?

I didn't.

Oh, okay. That's good. That is good. Energetically doing this kind of work, things begin to shift on the external, even if you don't understand it. It wasn't that she sent him a voice note explaining all how she felt, even though it can be powerful to still communicate and have that vulnerability in some type of way. For him to feel the shift and the experience that he had that made him reach out to you, it was just something that was subtly under the surface.

Yeah, I just switched my phone off.

Right. Simple. So simple, right?

Next right step.

Yeah.

Was that—

Yeah. And that turning that phone off, symbol of kind of like the new way of what you're available to or not available to energetically. Yeah. And how you respond from this point moving forward, if the old version of you would have catered to it, reassured, been open to the possibilities, et cetera. It's like, if you don't enable that energy, you're continuing this path of this new you. And now that you're showing up for you, you might find that you continue to stay grounded, continue to stay calm in your body, and then getting familiar with that will attract to you people, opportunities, and synchronicities that align with your new regulated nervous system.

Yeah, that would be really nice.

Yeah. Well, your energy feels so grounded and so pure and so calm, so I'm happy for you.

Thank you so much.

Let's all give her a big— Thank you.