Watch Her Stop Feeding a Narcissist Her Energy in 25 Minutes (Powerful Exercise)

You had the same sort of thing with the narcissistic parent?

Yes.

I live with that parent, so to this day would call me stupid or I do things wrong and things like this. So it's still ongoing, but the person won't change, but the person won't have empathy and says, I can't change, this is how I am, take it or leave it. Yeah, because I'm so used to that. And then I don't want to leave because my dad's sick. So it's like, if I, if I leave to put that my mother, she like, even though she's a narcissist, she won't be able to like be on her own because she'll need me. So that puts me in a, in a place where I can't leave because I feel guilty, but I need to leave for my own mental health and my own growth.

What if there is a connection to some form of pattern that's keeping that energy enabled? For both you and your mom?

Oh yeah, it's codependent. Like, I feel like if I leave, I'm on my own. Yeah, I'll be in my own apartment. Yeah, I won't have anyone around me. Like, so many fears come up.

So there's a part of you that actually likes it even though you don't like it?

It's a safe— it's safe zone, but it's unhealthy safe zone. But I feel like it makes blockages in the rest of my life, 'cause she's made me feel so unworthy that when I go for a job that's higher potential, I can't get it because there's something there What does it look like if you were talking ideal reality?

What would that look and feel like for you? How would you interact with your mom and your dad? How would you be focused on yourself, et cetera?

I'd be doing my own thing with my own life. I'd see them every so often and that's it, I'd go. And then my mom would be responsible enough to be in the house alone with my dad and not rely on me for everything.

What do you think that if we look at that, we feel into that, What would be necessary for you to do now to establish that energy?

I'm thinking financial-wise, because I'm thinking I need a job with more money so I can then buy a place rather than rent it, because it makes more sense where I live to buy.

So it's something you believe to be true that's creating resistance, that's creating you maybe from not taking action or doing certain things.

It's like the opportunity doesn't come to me.

Yeah. I feel like the opportunity doesn't come to you. Is that what you said?

Yeah.

Then that's the— do you see what I mean here? These are beliefs that you— these are stories and beliefs that you believe in. Let that land for a second. So what I'm saying is everything that comes out of our mouth that explains with where we currently are, we think of, it's like, it's literally content that's revealing what our subconscious mind believes, right? So that is what your subconscious mind believes. What was that last thing you said?

That the opportunities aren't coming in front of me.

Well, how are you gonna become abundant if the opportunities aren't coming in front of you?

This is it. It's just what you believe.

Now I'm not saying you just have to sit there and say, opportunities are coming to me, opportunities are coming to you. Like the say affirmations, but become aware of who's generating the beliefs.

Yeah, it's my belief that there's an opportunity, job opportunity out there.

Exactly. With the money that I want. That's where power can start coming back to you. Do you guys see what's happening again? So the story that you believe in is the story that you can affirm and it will keep you where you are. It might keep you from having the conversation with your parents. It might be connected to your parents somehow or not. That's up to you. But the story that you're telling yourself is serving a purpose to keep you where you are and to keep you— literally what quantum physics shows us is that there are, out of the 15 million bits of information around us, there are 100 bits per second that we can perceive of. And what that means is based on our energy and our beliefs, we are filtering through reality to perceive of a very small sliver. And what happens is if we believe the opportunities aren't coming to me, I need to make money, I need this, I need that, we are perceiving around us of the 100 bits per second that are in alignment with that energy and that belief system. So what's interesting about that is the opportunities are all around you, but because you believe they aren't around you, you are experiencing the opportunity of no opportunity.

It's them around me. I think it's them. Those—

I will say, you get— when you— the people you surround yourself with the most, their belief systems, their energies, there's so many things that are floating around you as well because you're immersed in their energy fields all the time.

She complains all the time, all throughout the day, and it's this constant, constant bad energy. But I— am I doing the right thing to set my boundaries and say, hey, you can't speak to me like that, even if it's my mom? I'm allowed to say, what do you think the right thing is? Is to set my ground and walk away, but just let her know I won't tolerate being talked to in that way because I'm a woman. I'm not a kid anymore.

All because, all because you show someone the response or the consequences of a certain type of energy doesn't mean you don't love them. Yeah, you can be firm with who you are and how you feel and what your boundary is and still love your mom. Doesn't mean you just Maybe it's not in the same old way in which you did it, which was through some enabling pattern of feeling guilty and like you had to see her all the time to put up with that energy. So you could still love somebody and let them experience the consequences of a certain type of energy. In fact, I would say that that might even be a deeper sense of love because you're giving them an actual authentic mirror reflection.

Yeah.

What you've been giving them has been not authentic. Do you see that? It may have been authentic in the moment to be catering, but like it's colored with this perception of codependency or love, but it's guilt and all this other emotions that are attached to it. So the most loving thing you could do would be to actually be the most authentic you to express what your boundary actually is. Not that she will respect it, but the thing is, is when you give the opportunity, if she doesn't respect it, and you go back to the old pattern and you let it be okay, you're not respecting yourself.

Yeah. I feel guilty for leaving. When I leave, I think about it and I think, gosh, I feel really guilty, but then—

And what if it's okay? What if it's okay that you feel that guilt?

Yeah.

We feel the guilt. The guilt means you feel responsible.

Yeah.

And if you feel responsible, you're taking that burden on yours and you're thinking it's you. It's like yours thing to manage. Yeah. Breakthrough might be to let them be with it.

Yeah.

And to express you. And if you feel guilt, let yourself feel it, but also understand that that uncomfortable like reorganization of energy is like the breakthrough for you. It's not gonna feel comfortable when you set a boundary with someone that you've always given so much power and that you feel has so much power over you.

Yeah. It's nice for you to say to me that I can feel that guilt. And I'll hopefully be okay.

As we let ourselves process an emotion, I forget the saying of what it is, but there's a certain amount of time that it like dissolves itself or it feels, it's like we're not gonna feel, if you really fully let yourself feel the guilt, you would feel it for like 30 seconds, not like 16 months. It's just that we don't let ourselves feel it and we dance around it over and over again, right? But that guilt is also an energy that is showing you of something you believe to be true. So anytime we say, I feel guilty, it means we feel responsible in some way. It means I did something wrong, right? And you kept saying, is it wrong that I do this? Right? Well, that is where, like, that's where a lot of this work, there is a breakthrough potential to start seeing where the light is because what happens is that is like, we have our thoughts about reality, we have our beliefs about reality, And when we believe it to be true, it's just we are this soup of emotion. I feel guilty, I feel this, I feel that. Who is the I that feels guilty? Back to that, right? When we look at it, there is guilt inside of your body, right? That guilt is a reflection of something you must first believe to be true. And you might believe you're the youngest daughter and then your mom is this way and there's this whole story that comes with it.

There's a codependency there as well.

But the codependency is something you could break out of.

I'm really scared to break out of it.

A lot of times in codependency, there is that of the perpetrator.

Yeah.

There is the victim and there's the rescuer.

Yeah.

And my guess is the narcissist is the perpetrator. The dad is either the victim or the rescuer, and you are either the victim or the rescuer.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

And you guys tolerate that energy up here and enable that energy up here. And what you're saying is, how do I get out of the triangle? To get out of the triangle though, you feel responsible for being in the triangle. It's what you know. It feels safe to be in the triangle. Because as a kid, that was probably also how love was modeled. But that love is also many times reflective of validation and approval.

'Cause she said nothing was ever good enough for her.

Exactly. See, the thing is, is if love was not readily available as a kid, it wasn't unconditional. What happens is we may believe the condition to feeling love as a kid is gaining approval and validation. So what happened is approval and validation became the condition to unconditional love. So now as an adult, here you are feeling responsible. And here's the thing, for you to be approved of, for you to be validated, what do you have to do? Be responsible, be the rescuer, the rescuer, the victim, and the being in this triangle, right?

Yeah.

So what happens is you feel stuck in that, but really that's the condition to being unconditionally loved. And the thing is, is approval and validation is something that is like a game that you've been playing that has been blocking love and connection from your life. Am I right?

Yeah. I mean, even when I had connections before, I was always the one that had to buy things or do something to gain that validation from someone to love me.

You're going after approval and validation. Subconsciously because that's what you, that's not even what you know what it feels like because you're just always going for it. So actually the lack of that is more familiar, but you can goal yourself at it and it's this dopamine thing that you can continue to play that you know, right? But now you're becoming aware of this pattern. You're becoming aware of this energy and you have the thing that's being avoided many times with codependency is you're avoiding vulnerability and authenticity. Because to be vulnerable would mean to actually express the real you, to actually express knowing there could be rejection there. Your mom probably won't like what you say, but if you can let that energy be there and let her feel what she feels and let you feel what you feel, that's where there can be a breakthrough. So the way out of the codependency triangle is actually vulnerability, sharing, and actually establishing the boundary that you can feel is actually authentic for you.

Yeah.

And as you, that vulnerability is rooted in authenticity and that vulnerability is priming you to actually receive real love. Now here's the thing, your mom, even though she might have these narcissistic traits or be narcissist or whatever, underneath the conditions is trauma. And underneath that, there is a love there for you, I would imagine.

Oh yeah, it's up and down. It's like, she can be nice and then she'll go back to being a narc. And I'll be like, oh my God, what's happening? I knew I shouldn't have trusted her because she's gone. She's nice for 5 minutes and then she's gone back to the other way.

And here's the thing though, because that energy has been enabled for so long, she gets to play that game with you over and over and over again.

Oh yeah. It's disrespectful. Yeah, for sure.

Well, on the other side of that, by you expressing the real you and you setting a boundary, you then give her the opportunity to experience the consequence of her actions if she chooses not to live in those boundaries. And that will allow her to eventually maybe go deeper and realize that she still wants you in your life in the way in which you've set the boundaries, or it might be she's not energetically there or she's not ready for it yet.

No, she's not.

And you can just let her, you can let her in a loving way decide that for herself.

Yeah, I've started to do less for her now. Because I don't know what happened to me this year. Everything just like, I clicked in that way, and I was like, no, I'm gonna stop doing too much now because I'm being taken advantage of. But I'm— she's not grateful. So I was like, okay, I'm going to step back and I'm going to do less.

Yeah. You're also though taking advantage of her. Do you see that? How are you taking advantage of her?

Like relying on her in a codependent way.

Yeah.

To be in that triangle to receive that Yes.

What will happen is we will see the perpetrator energy, not realize that we're doing that to ourselves many times. We're really harsh on ourselves, but also in a way you're enabling that energy as well. So it's like, it's kind of that, huh?

'Cause I'm there.

I'm enabling. 'Cause you're there with her and you're allowing that energy to go even though it's not authentic or real. Yeah. It's just a different perspective to maybe invite you the opportunity of actually Breaking the pattern. You can stay in that pattern as long as you want. How much longer do you wanna stay in it?

Not much longer.

That's up to you. It's your self-inquiry practice. It's your life, you know? But my recommendation is that the longer you wait, it's like the longer you're gonna be in that energy. You're gonna keep that codependency alive.

Yeah.

And often, by the way, when you're in the perpetrator, victim, rescuer dynamic and you've been a rescuer, what'll happen is when you stop being a rescuer to certain people in your life, you will become their perpetrator. Do you guys see that? So to you, you will be the perpetrator to your mom. And that will not feel comfortable to you because your mom being the perpetrator to you has felt not comfortable and you don't wanna be like that at all to anybody else. But the way out is for you to let your, you have to let yourself be seen as however they're gonna see you, but knowing that you're being authentic and you can still speak from your heart, You can still be authentic and vulnerable. That doesn't mean you need to be like, you know, the way she is with you.

I think if I step out of that energy and I suddenly be super happy, jolly, everything, she'll be really shocked, or my family will be really shocked. Like, what's happened to her? She's like happy all the time. Yeah, it's like not normal in our house to be happy all the time. It's, uh, we're like complaining, there's problems, there's issues, things like this. So it's like, if I be happy, I feel guilty about being happy because it's not normal.

Right? So more guilt, right? More guilt.

Yeah.

See? So if you feel guilt on the inside, you'll look for many different ways to feel the guilt. You know what I mean? So they're serving a purpose to allow you to feel that guilt.

Yeah.

But what is that guilt also representative of? A story.

Yeah.

A belief. A belief that you are responsible. You see?

Yeah.

So that's why now it's about bringing that energy back to you and knowing these emotions may come up again. Welcome the guilt.

Okay.

Welcome the guilt. Let it be there. It's a messenger. It's also showing you something that you believe to be true about yourself. Do you see that?

Absolutely, yeah.

Because behind every person that's been on the other side of a narcissistic or controlling person, that person, as evil and as a perpetrator as they look, there is a certain amount of power that that person has that a lot of times we will reject in ourselves. So for example, what I mean by this is my ex-stepmom, while there was a lot of toxic behavior there and a lot of things I experienced growing up that I didn't like, she was real cutthroat with what she would get done. She would go after something, she would protect her daughters, my like half sisters at any end. And I can look at that and see that there was also, because I didn't wanna be anything like her, I would disown my own assertive, side of myself. I would not be as clear sometimes. And I had to learn how to actually embrace that side of myself. I had to learn how to be assertive without being on the other side of that controlling narcissistic overt. But what I'm saying here is like, there's gifts in it either way. Either the gift is you're becoming more aware of how to be in your own frame. And for many people, including my dad who attract, it's like, I can very clearly see some of like what we got out of that whole experience And what it was bringing us all towards in our own way is standing in our own frame.

Yep.

So if your lesson is for you to stand in your own frame and what you've been doing is tiptoeing around mom, what you've been doing is being the most tolerable sibling, then guess what? You've been playing that game, right? And if you want to learn the lesson, the reflection for you might be for you to stand in your own frame and to acknowledge your own sense of self-worth And you might create safety in yourself because now you got you.

Yeah. You see those boundaries.

So if that's the case, then setting the boundary may also be a symbol of this energy that you are coming into within your own frame. So you can let her have her response. Does that make sense? You can let her be in it. You might still feel guilty. The guilt might come up. The guilt's okay. Remember, welcome it in and realize the guilt is a messenger. Why do I still feel responsible for mom or dad? Right? And maybe I do, maybe it's, that was a belief from a long time ago, whatever, but it's your belief. You can continue to believe it. And you could say, there's no opportunities around me or whatever. You're creating all of that based on your beliefs. And it's a pattern you may have practiced. What I'm saying is you can become aware of this. And in this awareness state is where you could begin shifting the energy because no longer is it reality. It's your beliefs about reality and how you're relating to it and what it means to you. So if you were to look at your mom, what is your mom teaching you in your life?

To stand for myself, my own ground, my person that I'm becoming, not to take shit. Yeah. To set boundaries and to—

Come up here for a sec. Give her a hand. Do I have to?

Yeah.

If you were to imagine right now, if you were to imagine right now, Standing in your own ground, how would that feel? Like in your body, in your physiology?

Okay. I'm free.

Yeah. Stand firm. Okay. Now I want you to imagine, imagine there's like roots underneath your feet that are going into the ground. Okay. Rooting you into Mother Earth, which is the primordial mother, right? The planet we're on can be our mother. And even though your mom may have had trauma and all of these things happening, I want you to imagine that there's energy literally coming from the sky into the center of your heart, going down into the ground like roots grounding you in.

Yep.

Right? Now breathe into that for a moment. Take a deep breath in. And now put your, maybe put your chest out and have good posture. You have good posture, but allow yourself to feel into that energy. And imagine you being in your own frame right now, right? Now, right now, if you were to imagine, let's do a quick thought experiment. Imagine I want everyone in the crowd right now to send her energy. Everyone send her energy. Just any energy, doesn't have to be love, doesn't have to be anything in particular, but not just send, project energy at her. Project energy at her, okay? What do you feel right now in your body? Energy is coming at you right now.

Shy. Yeah, shy.

Don't want to look. Yep, you don't want to look. So shy, you don't want to look. Can you kind of feel that, the energy?

No, it's like good energy, but uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable. Now what I want you guys all to do is could everyone bring the energy back into your body? Feel strong in your own body. Feel inside of your own body. Feel this space in between us. Feel this space. Now they're bringing energy back into their body. That energy's not being projected at you anymore. It's not your responsibility to figure out to be a certain way, to be shy or not shy. How does it feel now as you look into the crowd?

Well, they're all doing their own thing, so.

Yeah. How does it feel for you?

It's more comfortable when they're not focusing on me. Yeah.

Yeah, and even if they were focusing on you, like everyone focus on her, but keep the energy inside of your body. So they're focusing on you right now, but they're present inside of their body.

Yeah.

Okay. That feels different than when everyone's projecting energy at you. Yeah. Yes. And that energy difference of that, that everyone just did, this was something that I did when I first went to, maybe some of you heard me tell the story before, but when I went to Costa Rica back in the day, there was a consciousness teacher that was teaching this idea. Everyone send me energy, send me energy, send me energy. And as they did that, it's like this bombardment energy that's kind of intrusive. And it feels like almost like kind of like you felt, you feel shy, you feel kind of like uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable. But imagine now instead what you do is you bring that energy back into your body. She said, everyone bring the energy back in your body, bring the energy back in your body. And as we did that, she's like, there's this magnetic effect. It's like almost like when they were all, everyone was like, even if they were focused on you, they were in their own frame.

Yeah, so there's a detachment.

There's a detachment. And that was almost magnetic. You're like, oh, this is like relieving because you're no longer responsible. Right? That same exercise any of you can do when you're around other people. You can feel the space and the separation between you and other people. Bring your energy back to you. When your energy is back in you, that's when you can start feeling safe inside of your own body, but you're also not repelling other people by projecting your energy out at them. 'Cause a lot of times that's what we do. We project energy out at other people and then it repels them. Because it's intrusive. No one wants to be controlled. Let people come to their own conclusions. Now, the thing is, is with your mom, the way that it's been patterned is it's been this kind of soup of energy where there's this energy being projected at and received. It's like, and the thing is, and your area for growth might be for you to stand in your own frame and to express yourself and to set a boundary and to let her respond however she responds. And in the response, know that it's not your thing to manage. It's not your thing to fix. So if I'm over here and you're setting a boundary with me and I'm like, how could you do that? You should, you know, you're my daughter. You should be doing this. Like, what about your dad? Like all of this stuff, you can choose to feel guilt and you can choose to take that energy on, or you could feel the separation of the space and feel inside of your own body and recognize that as a, survival pattern that she might be using to get you to do what she wants you to do. Yeah, right. Because what she wants from you is the validation and approval-seeking part of you, not the part of you that's empowered. But you came here and literally brought her into your life as a soul to help show you how to stand firm in your own power.

It's a good lesson.

Yeah, that is something you could also visualize when you're with other people. The roots going through your feet into the ground, feeling grounded, feeling your connection to the primordial mother, knowing that you have her back, she has your back and vice versa. And then as you express yourself, express yourself from your heart, set boundaries, know there might be some tension there, but like your next level of growth is letting yourself be in that energy and perceive the tension in someone else and let them be in it. There will be tension. Here's the thing, you can either feel the tension that you're able to notice someone else's tension and that might be tension as you let them feel it, or you can hold the tension on the inside of your body everywhere you go under the surface, just a little bit. And that's what people pleasers do. And that's what people do that don't want to make other people feel tension. They hold it inside their own body. It's still there. It's just, this is a way of getting it out. Do you see? Now it's literally out and it's in, it's not like you caused it in them, it's someone else, but you're no longer absorbing this projection of energy and taking it on as your own. So what's the biggest insight for you today and everything that we've been talking about that you wanna bring with you? Just kind of closing this out right here.

A lot. It's all in my head. I can't say it.

It's all here. Is there, what do you plan on doing to wire this in though? With your mom? What can you commit to? Give your word right now that you'll do in front of all of us. We'll hold you in this light too. I mean, not as just an accountability, but like if we, if you had us all right now, just set a little intention for you going throughout this journey of you going and setting that with your mom, what would you, what would the ideal scenario look like?

Break free comes to mind.

Break free.

Break free.

Break free. And is that gonna come from a conversation? Is that gonna come from?

From me physically moving away, from me Okay, needing— I don't need to satisfy or be responsible or have someone speak to me that way. I don't have to feel guilty. The guilt, yeah, the whole thing about the guilt.

Yeah.

Um, and the thing about opportunities. Yeah, it is my— it's funny because it's my lack of thinking that there's no opportunities. So it'll be interesting to see when I switch that what will happen, right? Yeah, but I'm taking away a lot from everything that you've said. Has awesome helped me so much.

I'm just like, we'll hold that vision for you.

I'm gonna write it down.

Yeah, let's give her a hand.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate it.