What all Empaths and People Pleasers NEED to hear to heal
In this self‑help video Aaron Doughty explains why being an empath or a people‑pleaser is often a survival strategy learned in childhood, how that leads to a deflated sense of self and trauma‑bonding, and why empaths tend to attract strong‑framed (often narcissistic) partners. He argues that the core wound for both empaths and narcissists is a lack of a solid sense of self, expressed in opposite ways: empaths give, narcissists take. The cure, according to Doughty, is to develop a strong personal container – clear boundaries, grounding in the body, and a sense of worthiness. He shares a specific meditation taught by his shadow‑integration coach: a candle‑flame Zazen‑style practice where the inhale focuses on separation from the flame (building the container) and the exhale softens the gaze to reconnect with the environment (expressing connection). He describes how moving from head‑centered, validation‑seeking behavior to body‑centered, grounded presence creates magnetic energy and reduces the need for external approval. Doughty also recommends a 21‑day “completing the past” meditation and plugs his podcast “Into the Vortex” for deeper exploration.
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If you are an empath or a people pleaser, then I believe this video may be one of the most powerful videos you've ever seen that helps you to understand the cure to this, or at least how to use the positive aspects of being an empath. And in this video, I'm gonna share with you what has completely transformed my life. I have what is called a shadow integration coach. I have somebody that has a double PhD in understanding transformative psychology that I work with on a weekly basis. And over the last couple months, my whole entire life has transformed from what I have learned about my own energy, my own shadow. The shadow is the unconscious part of ourselves that we may not be aware of. And in this video, what I wanna do is I wanna share with you how you can apply the similar practice that I've been doing that has changed my energy unlike anything else and allowed me to really be in my own power, to not feel like a leaf in the wind around feeling other people's energy, not craving validation and approval from other people, which is what a lot of times people pleasing is. And I'm gonna share with you the cure, what I believe really helped cure me of that, helped me understand this at a deeper level and really changed my life in a powerful way. Welcome back to another video. My name's Aaron and I help people expand their consciousness. Now in this video, I'm gonna be sharing with you what I believe to be the cure and the reasoning behind empaths and people pleasers. And what I wanna do is share with you what I was sharing in the fricking intro. So first off, the thing about this that I want you to understand is that being an empath, being a people pleaser, it is a survival mechanism that was learned at a young age. Now, most likely, your parents or your environment growing up, there was a certain way you had to be in order to receive love and validation and support to your parents. That's what creates a people pleaser. Empathic people tend to be people that are very sensitive, and one of the reasons they are sensitive is because at an early age, they had to tune themselves to their environment, and when they did, they started, in a way, that was a survival mechanism that helped them get by, And it is something that I think many of you watching this video, many people that go through a spiritual awakening have that empathic type energy where they're able to feel other people's energy, read people like a book. I know since I've been young, I've been able to read people like a book. And many of you know my story, and 7 to 16 years old, having that abusive ex-stepmom in my life who was a narcissist or is a narcissist, I had to tune myself and understand where she emotionally was because her emotions were either way up here or way down here, she also had what's called borderline personality disorder. So I had to constantly tune my energy to her in order for me to be able to understand what I can and can't do and in order for me just to even survive. And the same thing with being a people pleaser, I had to be a certain way. If I could make her happy, then I could feel worthy, whole, and complete, but it was never enough. That was the fun, the interesting thing about it. Now, here's something I also kind of wanted to share with you guys if you're watching this. There's something called trauma bonding that happens when we go through that of being a people pleaser or an empath. We may find that because growing up there's a core wound there, that a lot of times the core wound comes from a feeling of not, a deflated sense of self, which is what we're really gonna be talking about in this video. That decreased sense of self then finds safety in other people, even if that means being a people pleaser and craving validation. It's like, if I can give you this love, if I can give you this support, then maybe you'll give me validation and approval in return. And maybe sometimes it's never enough. I know with my ex-stepmom, it was never enough. And I found that what I would do is I would attract women into my life that I would date to where it wasn't ever enough, to where I remember the first girlfriend I ever had after my ex-stepmom, my dad divorced my ex-stepmom, was somebody that was very controlling, jealous, and similar energy dynamic, but I felt comfortable with those emotions. I felt comfortable with somebody trying to control me. After I broke up with that ex-girlfriend, I got transferred to a better shoe department at Nordstrom's, and that manager was completely controlling, pretty much a clone of my ex-stepmom. So most likely, if you're a people pleaser, an empath, you probably attract people into your life that have a strong frame or that have a strong sense of self, and you may feel comfortable and safe in their sense of self, and that may leave you feeling deflated, but it's comfortable, it's familiar. It's like, oh, it was like, it's the way it was growing up. Now, here's the thing I wanna share with you that I think will change your life more than anything else. Now, what it means to be an empath or a people pleaser is that there's almost such a fine-tuning sensitive thing to where you can pick up on anyone else's energy. The reason it is easier than ever for you to pick up on other people's energy is because there is a lack of container. There's a lack of sense of self. And because of that, it's easy to see this, to see that, and even probably having a sense of gravity or causing people to feel tension. If you establish boundaries as an empath, that may feel uncomfortable because then other people can feel that they may not like the fact that you're setting those boundaries and you feel what they feel. But if you were to be in your sense of self, unapologetic about it, a lot of times not only would people respect you more, they would feel that gravity coming off of you, but you would respect you more. So really being an empath or being a people pleaser, it's an inner game of realizing your own sense of self-worth. And developing. I'm gonna share with you the meditation that my shadow integration coach gave me that has completely transformed my life. Let me share with you the difference between this as well. First off, I've become aware of how pretty much every relationship I've ever been in, that the energy dynamic was there to where I would give up my sense of self for connection. So if I was with somebody that I was attracted to and I started going deeper into relationship, I would feel this like my loss, I would almost give up part of myself so that I could make them happy or so that we could be together or so that they would love me more. And what I realized is I'm recreating the similar drama, the similar trauma that felt familiar from me trying to please my ex-stepmom and empathically connecting to my environment, knowing is this okay? But what I've learned is what that is is that's just a sense of familiarity. It feels familiar to be in someone else's frame and to trying to get them, even though they may be emotionally unavailable, even though they might not, you know, be in the same frame, that it's almost like I'm becoming a part of their frame versus me being strong in my own frame and not needing, you know, a lot of times the empath or the people pleaser, they're afraid of being alone and they're afraid if they were to be boldly themselves that they would get rejected. And that's what I've learned as of recently. I started doing this meditation. Now all the, you know, I'm all about oneness, connection, love, unity consciousness, but a lot of spiritual people right now that are focused on that, what they actually need is the opposite. Now this sounds kind of like, what do you mean? It's supposed to be oneness connection, hug the trees. I agree, but on the other side of this, the problem and the challenge with empathic people and people pleasers is that there's a lack of container, there's a lack of separation. And because there's a lack of separation, they then feel so connected to everybody, they tune themselves to everyone's vibration they can pick up on their vibe, but then they've lost the sense of self of who am I. When people say I'm feeling someone else's negative energy, it means I'm not so much in my own container that I can just pick— I can just think of them and feel their energy. If you had a container around you, you'd be like, oh, that's their energy, not mine. I don't feel it as much. It's a loss of identity when we feel like we're sucked into being an empath or we sucked into being a people pleaser. So the cure is doing a meditation practice that I'm gonna share with you. But really what it is, and there's actually something to be learned as as well from narcissists. I know this sounds crazy to a lot of people and I've attracted many narcissists into my life since I don't have to see my ex-stepmom anymore. That pattern kept coming up and here's the reason being. Look at it on this scale. First off, I think we all have somewhat narcissistic traits and empaths and people pleasers and narcissists actually have the same core wound. They don't feel like they're enough. And they don't have a strong sense of self. Well, the narcissist has an unhealthy amount of that to where what they'll do is they'll take it, they'll take someone else's attention, they'll take something from someone else in order to feel that sense of self. But they do have a strong frame. And because of that, they tend to attract empathic people or people pleasers because their strong frame feels safe. And because it feels safe and familiar to the trauma bonding when you're a kid, then you gravitate towards the narcissism. The narcissism is saying, me, me, me, me, me, give me or I will take. Now, the empath is saying, you, you, you, you, I will give you and you will give me. So the same core wound is there, it's just that the way they go about getting their needs met is different. The narcissist will take it, the empathic person will give something an exchange energetically. It's a transaction. But both have the same core wound if they don't feel worthy, whole, and complete. They don't feel that strong sense of self. The narcissists just have an unhealthy way of asserting it. Now, what is the cure to really both of these? It is actually feeling that strong sense of self in a healthy way. Now, for the empath, what this means is this means literally focusing on getting more in your body. If you're an empath or a people pleaser, then your energy is mainly up here and you're trying to gain validation. It's almost like I used to work a sales commission job. I know I talk about it in a lot of videos. I would greet hundreds of people a week wearing a suit, standing around. Hello, how are you? Hello, how you doing? Guess what I would realize from greeting thousands of people? I could tell an energy difference between if I was like, hey, "how are you?" You wanna give me validation back and say something nice to me and greet me back and acknowledge me and don't reject me? "How are you?" The energy's in the head. Can you feel that the energy's in the head right now? Even I would see this thing come up where a girl that I liked would text me and I'd be like, "Oh, now I can respond. Now I'm back in my head. I'm back in my trauma mommy wound. Oh yay." You see what I mean? There's a difference there. Even though the ex-stepmom wasn't my real mom, by the way, but we were brainwashed into not being around our real mom, so that would be considered the control dynamic there. But it would bring me up into the head. So here's the cure. If I'm like, hey, how are you? You don't wanna say hi back to me. Why? Because you can feel that neediness from me. I want something from you. Hello, would you like to say hi to me? You see, it's unattractive, it's repelling, it is not magnetic. But I would notice that the days I was in the best vibe and I was not attached to outcome, and I would say things like, hello, how you doing? How are you? I don't need you to respond to me. I'm already whole and complete. How are you? How are you? You can even feel I'm more in my body now. I'm speaking from more my heart and my body. I can literally feel the energy in my hands and my feet. I'm grounded. I have more magnetic energy now because I'm in my body and people respect my container. My body is my container, okay? But it's different. So what is the difference between these two? One's in the head and is a trauma thing and it's like, hey, can you give me, please don't reject me. And one is grounded. One does not need the validation, the support, whatever it is. So the key and the cure to the empath or the people pleaser is having a stronger sense of self and being in your own frame. I'm now moving into a phase of my own life where I'm becoming more in my own frame than ever before. Frame meaning my own sense of reality, my own sense of gravity and boundaries, what is okay, what is not okay. And because I'm establishing that, I feel much more empowered. Now, here's the meditation practice that I think will change your life. This is what I do. I think it's called Zazen or something like that. My shadow integration coaches have been doing it for months now. Basically what I do is I stare at a candle flame. I've been doing this for 10 years, staring at a candle flame. But what you do is as you stare at the candle flame, you take in deep breaths, deep breaths in, out, You observe your thoughts, not try to control them. And then here's the biggest game changer. On the in-breath, focus on the separation between you and the flame, not the connection, not we're all one consciousness, the separation. Empathic narcissists need to hear the connection, you know? So let me explain this and you'll understand what I'm saying. On the in-breath, in my body, feeling in my hands, feeling in my feet, feeling the separation and in my body and present, and the separation between me and the candle flame. This is one and one. Think about it in the matrix, one and one, separate. Two, think of the ones and the twos, right? The zeros and the ones, or however you wanna look at it. The twos is on the out-breath, feeling and then softening the gaze. Also, when you're staring at the flame on the in-breath, you're feeling and you're paying so much attention on that little point of the light. But then what happens on the out-breath, you relax and you still focus on the flame, but then you also focus on the peripheral. You also feel your body relax and loosen up and feel a connection to the environment. So on the in-breath, sense of self, on the out-breath, expression and connection to all things. Now what empathic people need to hear is you need to focus on the in-breath. You gotta focus on individuality, on being in your own container. Building that sense of boundaries, feeling comfortable in your body because most likely as an empath or as somebody that is a people pleaser, you're leaving, you're literally not in your body completely. You're in your head. You're in your head and you're talking like this versus being grounded. The narcissist needs to do the out-breath more, not more of the out-breath, but needs to focus on connection, unity, and being more empathic and feeling into other people because and also within themselves. Really narcissism is a not feeling sense of worthiness, but just an unhealthy way. So the key to all of this is what you need is a sense of self. You need to be able to create boundaries unapologetically. You need to go to your core wound and realize that if you feel not whole and complete, it could have stemmed from childhood. And what you could do is give yourself the emotions you craved growing up, the sense of self, the empowerment, not feeling shame for your sensitivity as an empath, knowing that if you're trying to exchange and trying to get approval from anybody else, then you're literally projecting out those insecurities. And remember, people feel what you feel. If you feel lack or you feel like not enoughness, they're feeling that. If you wanna have magnetic energy, the key is getting more inside your body than ever before. And the thing that all empaths and all people pleasers need to hear, especially right now more than ever, is that the cure is you developing a strong sense of self and feeling worthy. And as you do that, you'll find you start to feel more powerful. You start to show up in the world in a powerful way. When I'm walking around my neighborhood, I can feel the difference between the old part of me that had been like trying to say hi to people, walking around looking for that, you know, like, if I passed somebody and didn't say hi to them, I'd feel like I was rude. Now I see a difference because I tune myself to their energy. Are they gonna feel bad if I don't say hi to them? But now it's completely different. Now when I walk around, I'm so grounded in myself, I can give two shits whether somebody says hi to me or not. And the funny thing is that then there's more gravitation, more magnetic energy there. Not to say I'm being a dick, but I just don't care one way or the other. I'm not trying to get validation. And the way that I was before. So the biggest game changer is developing a sense of self, meditating, feeling worthy, and, and, and really focusing on the separation. Yes, unity consciousness, 5D, we're all sending to a higher level of consciousness. It's all focused on unity and connection, but you're still a physical person meant to have an individual experience and to feel safe in your own container. If you don't feel safe in your own container, guess what you're gonna do? You're gonna look for some narcissist or some other person that is appearing to be safe in their container, and you're gonna try to become a part of their frame. So what do you do instead? You become safe in your own frame. And as you do that, you'll find that your life changes. And one of the most powerful ways to do this, I found, is completing the past. There's a meditation I have on completing the past. If you listen for 21 days, I think it'll change your life. I'll go ahead and link it below. It is a powerful meditation. Read the comments, see what's possible. Commit to it for 21 days and watch how you begin to, heal a lot of this core wound trauma stuff. So with that being said, if you didn't know as well, I have a podcast channel, Into the Vortex with Aaron Doughty. I have some episodes that'll go deep on this. You'll see those here or you'll see it in the description box. Also, you can subscribe on iTunes and Spotify. I post 2 a week there. There's a backlog of a lot of really good episodes as well. And if you didn't know, there's a podcast. So with that being said, I'll talk to you guys in the next episode. Peace, much love, and namaste.
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