Why Being MORE DETACHED Makes You Attractive AF!
Aaron Doughty explains how emotional detachment and stopping the search for external validation creates an attractive energy that draws healthier relationships. Putting people on pedestals and seeking approval signals neediness, while authentic self-expression and clear boundaries demonstrate self-worth and attract respect.
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The degree to which you are detached from caring what other people think of you, the more people will attach themselves to your energy because it's magnetic to not need anyone else's validation, to not need anyone else's text message back. To not need implies the most amount of value. So in this video, we're gonna be talking about detachment, why it's so magnetic, how you can tap into the energy of it, and how you can really let go of the things that may be making your energy field more sporadic. Maybe you're feeling more needy, you're really wanting someone to text you back, you're checking the internet connection to see if maybe it's just the internet connection's what's causing you not to get the text message or whatever it is. And the thing with this process is it's understanding the energy that you are putting out into the world because think of it like an energy field. Now, your energy field has within it The thoughts, the emotions, and feelings that you're feeling. And if you're feeling like I need something out there to come in here, that's saying I lack something inside my own energy field. And the lack is then also can only allow in more lack. So you will either attract people that don't give you that sense of validation or approval or whatever it is, or you'll find yourself not able to attract love altogether. So it's like one of the two because beliefs create our reality. Whatever we believe to be true, that's the experience we get. And if we have a belief even that like, you know, for a long time I had the belief that women in my life tried to control me. So I would only attract women that were either jealous or trying to control me for years because that was my belief. There were even times when I could see that I attracted people that weren't that way, but I literally turned them down and like wasn't interested. Because it did not fall within the belief that I had that women try to control me. And that stemmed, of course, from childhood, from the whole ex-stepmom situation from 7 to 15 years old. So in our energy field, if we feel lack, we will attract people that reflect that lack back to us, or we would just wanna attract people altogether with that. Now, an interesting thing I was thinking about the other day is I remember when I first got on YouTube and I started to grow, I got to like maybe, 70,000 subs or something like that. And then what happened is a YouTuber reached out to me, or I reached out to like some YouTuber, and I ended up hanging out with this person in LA. We actually, you know, I went to LA, and I remember that this person that I was meeting, I had him like on a pedestal. Like I was just starting to go full-time with YouTube, and I was starting to come into my power, and I was around this other YouTuber that had like triple the amount of subs that I had. And I was like putting them on a pedestal. And I remember meeting him and I could just tell that I was doing this thing where I was like super excited to be there. And I was like almost giving away my power and my energy to this person. But then something interesting happened. Hung out with them for 2 or 3 days and kind of the blinders started to come off, right? I started to see like, oh, this person's just, like me, like we're all, I started taking him off the pedestal. And the interesting thing is I felt like we didn't really connect and he didn't really even care if I was there. And we did, we made like a video and stuff together. And then what happened is I went back to Vegas and then I went back to California where he was and then hung out with him again. The energy, I was like, I didn't put anything on a pedestal. I was like, this is totally cool. And it was like way more natural. It was way easier to connect. And not only that, but I could tell because I wasn't attached to what he thought, his validation, wasn't attached to like what we post on social media or anything. Like I just didn't give a shit. Because I didn't give a shit, it was like, there was like this respect that was there. And we ended up actually doing a talk at like some place. In LA. We did like this little talk with like 40, 50 people there. And it was just like, it was just way smooth and it was interesting, but it all happened. And I could tell that the respect was there when I stopped caring what he thought of me and I stopped being attached to outcome. It was an interesting energy. Even had that with my buddy. My buddy Owen came over yesterday. He has a company and I was watching his videos for, for years and it's like, it was, I met him and by then I'd already kind of like taken people off a pedestal and stuff like that and learned this energy dynamic of being detached. But I remember when I met him, it was like we connected and it was like we ended up making a video together as well. But it was like, as I just sank into myself and I didn't give away my own energy and I was just being myself, it just, it was so different. But in the beginning it was like, there was this neediness, this validation. And there's like, I just learned to like be inside my body and to let go of that. And the more I would let go of that, the more then we just able to connect. And now he's like a buddy where we hang out, like anytime we're in the same city and stuff, we'll like hang out and talk and share ideas and stuff like that. So I know, you know, in a similar way when it comes to attracting love, if you can get to a, and really what this has to do with is getting to a place to where you realize your own sense of value. Your own sense of frame. And you know that you fill up your own cup and you don't need anything from the outside. I remember I had another friend as well that I had trouble setting boundaries with for a while. But then what happened is I started to become aware that I had trouble setting boundaries with this friend and I really kind of put this friend on a pedestal 'cause he was so successful and stuff like that. But then what I did is I said, fuck it one day and I just started being myself and saying whatever came to my mind. I just gave myself permission to say it even if it was kind of triggering and before I wouldn't say it 'cause I would worry if this would trigger someone. You wanna know what happened? It was like there was more connection and also like he, I could just tell, respected me more because I was saying what I was actually, it was real what I was saying. Even if he didn't maybe like it as much, you know? Because I was being myself. And understand that you are the most attractive when you are just being unapologetically yourself. Even if you polarize them at first, you may be yourself and maybe that polarizes some people, that's a good thing as long as you're being yourself in an authentic way. And what that means is like being yourself and not attached to outcome, not doing it to get someone else's approval or validation. Instead, you're doing it because it's an end of itself. Now, the biggest thing, if you're going on dates and you're meeting other people and you're having this problem where you attach yourself to their energy, one of the biggest things you'll notice with this is what happens is we immediately take ourself out of the present moment and we're putting ourselves into the future or we're putting ourselves into the past. So we're not present. We're either wanting their validation and approval, which means we're attached to outcome, or we're projecting and we're wanting something that maybe we feel like we didn't get in childhood, maybe also their validation and approval. And what we end up doing is we take ourselves outta the present moment and by being attached to outcome, we're attaching ourselves to the past, to the future. The challenge with that is that then we're not present. And when we're not present, we don't have that attractive energy. We're not in our magnetic frame. That's why awareness is so powerful. Awareness is like just this observation and this energy of realizing the patterns you may be living out. And if you have a needy energy where you attach yourself to other people and you want their validation and approval and you become aware of it, That's where the transformation begins. Because then you see, oh, I don't have to continue to do this. And then if you can catch yourself too, if you start doing it and you're like, oh, I hope this date goes really well or whatever it is, you start going to the future. You say, no, I'm gonna stay and be present in the moment. Even if in the moment you're feeling nervous, if you let yourself feel nervous, the energy dissipates. If you don't let yourself feel nervous and you think there's something wrong, the energy stays locked into place, and a lot of times that'll come out as trapped emotion. So realize that for having magnetic energy, all that really is necessary is having self-acceptance. It's accepting your weirdness. It's accepting your own insecurities. If you would just own your insecurities, it would transform it. People look at their insecurities, they're like, oh, I have a freckle, I have this big nose, or I have this, and then they feel like there's something wrong with them. And then in their energy field, they literally project out, I have a weird face, or I have this, or I have whatever. And then people feel that energy. But if you would just own whatever you have and know that it's actually what makes you unique and special, people would then feel that energy off of you. A lot has to do with what you feel about you. And that energy, it's almost like a wave field. They say, you know, is it a particle or a wave? And they talk about it a lot in physics. But it's like, I believe there's like these wave fields that go off of your body and that are full of your most dominant core beliefs. And then you perceive in reality things that are equal to those beliefs. So if you believe that, oh, I only attract people that like ditch me or that take advantage of my energy, then guess what? You will only allow people into your life that are within that bandwidth of energy. But if you become aware of that bandwidth and energy and maybe even see that that bandwidth of energy was around in childhood, something you're just familiar with. You can become aware of it, let it be there. Don't try to control it or to change it or think there's something wrong. But as you bring awareness to it, you then start to widen your sense of bandwidth to where then you can attract people into your life where you recognize the red flag if someone's manipulating your energy and you can actually say what you really think or feel and draw boundaries with it. Awareness is key. So in the same way, if you're going out on a date and you're like, I really hope they give me this and I hope this happens and this happens, you catch yourself. And instead you also focus on self-amusement. You focus on enjoying the experience, enjoying the process, because when you're enjoying the process, you're in the moment and your energy is attractive. Go out on dates and do things you wanna do. I remember in past relationships, if I had put someone on a pedestal and I'd be like, Oh, we're gonna go do what you wanna do and we'll go to whatever restaurant you wanna go to. And I wasn't leading, wasn't being in my true masculine frame. And it's like they couldn't then feel safe, but then I was also like tailoring my own energy for them. Then what I did is something interesting. Of course you wanna be aware of other people's energy so you don't have to be like a narcissist where it's like, I'm only gonna go to eat where I wanna eat. But then what I started doing in past relationships, I started, you know what, what do I wanna eat? And I would like, I'd suggest and lead someone So let's go do this. And then it was like refreshing for them. Oh, they can relax and they're being led somewhere. But that was also more attractive to them because I was doing what I wanna do, not just like tuning my, there's a balance with this, of course. On one hand of that, like where you're like, we're gonna do this no matter what. That's like, you know, that could be narcissism if you're always demanding and controlling like that. Like everyone has to adhere to my frame no matter what. But on the other side of that, there's people that just, I don't know what my frame is. We'll do whatever you wanna do. Yeah, honey, whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want. And then the feminine can't feel safe. I'm safe. So interesting enough, what's been the most powerful is me kind of having a balance and awareness of that, but like ultimately doing what, leading, leading has been like a really powerful thing with this. I had my buddy Owen over yesterday, we were chilling, and one interesting thing he said too is he's done public speaking for like 10 years, like 3 days a week sometimes. He's done like 10-hour talks, always talking about different ideas and stuff like that at his seminars. One thing he told me, I said, what is your belief like when you go out on stage? He's like, you know, he's got interesting energy. He's like, you know, it's interesting. He's like, I have, I've done so many of these that I just like know it's gonna be awesome. So like when I do these events, I just like know that it's like a privilege for everybody to be there. And I've spent like 10 years talking about this stuff. So it's like, I just know that it's gonna land for them. It's gonna be fricking awesome. And I just believe that. And therefore that's what they feel. Because in his energy field, that's what he feels. You see, so in a similar way, your energy, how you feel about you, your energy is being emanated off of you and people are feeling it. If there's a needy energy there, if there's an energy of insecurity there, people are feeling it. And the best part is, is you have the ability to bring awareness to it and to change the meaning and to decide I am valuable, to draw boundaries maybe even with other people. And to understand that as you do draw boundaries, you will feel completely different about yourself. Boundaries are one of the most magnetic things you can also lay with people because a boundary says this is okay, this isn't okay. And it makes it clear for people and you're expressing yourself with this displays value. I remember in a past, like someone I was dating a while, like 2 years ago or something like that. I was dating someone and she had this thing where she like would show up late. Like anytime we were supposed to hang out, she'd show up like half an hour, an hour late. Or she would then like sleep in and then like 2 or 3 hours later text me and say, oh, sorry, I fell asleep and stuff like that. And it happened 2 or 3 times to where eventually what I did is I literally just cut it off. I was like, I don't, I value, I had to come back to my own center. And I was like going through a lot of my own transformation at this time. And I was like, I value my time. And like, if this isn't a priority for you, then I literally cut it off. And when I cut it off, all of a sudden I could tell she realized, oh shit, what was I doing? Why was I being that way? And then she was more so like much more receptive. And then the next time we hung out, she like showed up on time and was like extra communicative. It was very interesting. But I could tell that the attraction was way more there when I was actually valuing myself. And I was saying what I felt like, it was like I felt like, disturbed that it was like, like my time wasn't being valued, but I wouldn't say it. But then all of a sudden I started saying it and then there was like, it felt good for me to say because I was authentic. And then it also, it like was more attractive. So the reason I say this is because what you think is your block or like isn't attractive is attractive if you own it. And what you, all you gotta really do is you gotta own it. You gotta be in your own frame. Maybe lead, be authentic, be vulnerable, own what you're saying and feeling, and other people will feel that energy off of you. Now, there is a, if you haven't heard of my 3 steps of transformation, they're very simple, but basically has to do with awareness, letting go, wiring in. Awareness is 90% of all transformation. I have a free PDF that will show you step by step how to transform into a new version of yourself authentically. It's completely free. It's in the top of the description box below, or you go to aarondoughty.com/pdf. Download that and watch how you apply those 3 simple steps. And I use metaphors and stuff like that to help you. Watch how much your life changes 21 days from then. And then also, if you haven't checked out this video yet, this is the 5 Secrets to Letting Go That Make You Confident AF. It's one of the most powerful videos I've ever made. Watch this video and watch how it transforms your confidence from the inside out. People feel what you feel about you. The energy inside of our bodies are contagious, and based on how we feel about ourselves,
