Why Being NEEDY Is Destroying Your Life & Making You LESS ATTRACTIVE!

The degree to which someone is attractive depends on how attached their energy is. So if somebody is not attached to what you think, someone's not attached to you giving them validation, they're gonna be much more attractive to you than if there's somebody that really wants your validation, your approval, your attention, and you're gonna be able to feel that energy. That's the thing when it comes to attraction, love, attracting love, attracting abundance, or anything. Money and love follows value. That's just the way it works. Value. And when you are being the most authentic version of you, when you are in your own frame, when you are being yourself, that is the most value you're gonna add out into the world. That is also when you are gonna be being that version of you because it's who you are. You're not gonna be attached to outcome because you're not being that version of you to get something. You're being it 'cause it's who you are. There's a very different energy with that. Like I just recorded part of this video, by the way, I restarted it because I realized that I was thinking about too many things in the beginning of this video. And I was trying to get the first part of this video to be what's called a hook, something that hooks people in so that they watch the video. And it's this funny thing because if I get too much in it and I'm doing the hook because I want you to watch the video, then you're gonna feel that energy. And it's not something that attracts you to actually watching the video. But if I'm just being myself, if I'm being authentic, if I'm being vulnerable, and if I'm making this video because it's what I'm passionate about making, you're gonna feel that energy and it's gonna be a very different experience. So the first point and the first thing that is very important for us to realize is that attraction is 100%, 1-0-0%, an energy game. That's it. This is all about energy. And the thing is, when we are not attached to outcome and when we're being in the moment, we are way more attractive. And, you know, when I used to, I always bring myself back to when I used to sell women's shoes because I had so many direct reflections because it was a sales commission job of if I was needy and I wanted someone to buy something, it would just repel them from wanting to buy. It was just energetics. But if I did not care whether they bought and if I was just having fun with them, the interesting thing is they would normally buy as a side effect. It's when I wasn't attached to outcome and I was being present to the moment would all the magic happen. So if you go on a date with someone and you want their validation or you want them to think or feel a certain way about you, they're going to feel that if that's why you're going and that's what you're looking from them. But instead, if you are going because you just wanna go on a good date or you wanna connect, that's a different intention, right? That's like a connection, that's like a deeper intention that people can feel. When you wanna connect, that's a good thing. But if you wanna get their validation, not that it's a bad thing, but it's just not ideal. And I can point to and look at many different aspects of my own life and my past of when I had needy energy, things just did not happen in my favor. But when I was the most detached, things would happen. And that's what in this video I wanna talk to you about is why neediness is causing a desperate energy that is literally repelling what you want and just how much more attractive you will be when you release that neediness. So in this video, you're gonna learn how to remove that block of neediness so that you can be in your own frame. And I promise you, you will have way more magnetic energy by the time you're done watching this episode. So the first thing is understanding something that is called importance. And I've talked about this in prior videos before, but anything we make important, anything we put on a pedestal, we immediately create resistance around. And it's an energy dynamic type thing. And it's not that I'm necessarily trying to speak in hierarchy, with this, but a lot of times what happens with neediness is it is a hierarchical type thing. We're putting someone else above us or putting someone else above us. And by doing that, we then separate ourselves because we view them as source and we are blocking ourselves from feeling our own sense of self-love, self-validation, self-approval, and self-worthiness. So a lot of this is done because of worthiness. If we view ourselves as not worthy, as broken, then we may look to other people, to things, to money, or whatever it is to fill up our cup. And that becomes our source of energy. And all neediness is, is neediness is a belief that something is outside of ourselves and that we need it, even though that same thing that we think we need is actually within us. It's just a false belief. That's all neediness is. Neediness is a belief in scarcity. Neediness is a belief that we don't have that which we're seeking. I know for a long time in past relationships, I've had a needy energy that I had to shed. And what really helped me shed it was realizing that this neediness that I felt for wanting someone else's approval or someone else's validation was rooted in childhood trauma or childhood experience of not feeling good enough, of literally having a belief that said, I'm not worthy. There's something broken, there's something wrong with me. What I had to do is I had to look at different aspects of my childhood that I wasn't really looking at prior. And I could see that from having certain levels of, I guess, emotional abandonment or neglect growing up, my parents were doing the best they could, by the way, of course, like all of our parents were, they're doing the best they could from the level of consciousness they were at. What I had to realize though is, that based on certain things that happened, I created an internal belief system that said, I'm broken, there's something wrong with me. And that then caused me to have these core beliefs about myself. And I was reading something yesterday actually too that was, it was talking about the 3 different archetypes or personality constructs that get developed a lot of times from past pain. And one of them is the, victim. So the victim is like, you know, we believe the world is against us, things are happening to us, and that normally stems from going through stuff growing up. There's the persecutor. The persecutor is like the person that in a way creates the victims, but also we see more as the villain. But the persecutor is somebody that gets value or they like to control things. And they think that a lot of times their core belief is that everyone else is, like inferior, so I need to control things, and they're kind of irritated by everybody. So that's the persecutor. And then there's the rescuer. So there's the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. And the rescuer is somebody that wants to swoop in and sway and save somebody else. And when it comes to needy energy, I think what happens is based, in actuality, all three of these are based in needy energy because needy energy wants or needs something from somebody else. A lot of times the victim, and I've been the victim who, you know, got a lot of, I think I got fueled by my painful past. And I felt like almost energized by it because it explained why I went through what I went through. And there was like a sense of identity there, but I felt like I needed other people's approval, other people's validation. And the rescuer, I've been the rescuer in relationships too, where what I would do is I would attract myself to people that I felt like I needed to fix. And the idea behind this is that if I could fix you, if I could help you, then that would make me indispensable. I had an experience of this once where, well, even in past relationships for sure, where, and then by the way, when that happens, the sexual polarity goes away. A lot is sacrificed because you then become like a coach or somebody that's trying to fix it. It depolarizes things and it, And it also disempowers the other person from actually just doing their own work. It also implies that there's something wrong with the other person. So it's an interesting dynamic all the way around, but not just in that, like a little small, like example of this is one time I was hiking with some friends and my friend's wife, we were going at a place in Vegas called Red Rocks. And we were hiking to these different parts of the mountain and we're gonna get up to this cave. And there was this awesome cave that had this great overlook, all of Las Vegas. And I jumped up, got up there, and then my friend got up there, and then there was another friend, which is my friend's wife, and she was coming up. And I remember she was like kind of freaking out because she was afraid of the height thing. It wasn't a crazy height, but I could see how someone afraid of heights would be afraid of that because you could fall, not that far, but it was like something where, you know, I could see it brings fear up in someone. And she started kind of freaking out. And the rescuer in me, was like, "Just take my hand, just take my hand." And she kind of freaked, she was freaking out already. She's like, "No, I don't." Like she didn't wanna take my hand. And the reason she didn't wanna take my hand is 'cause she wanted to do it herself. And she didn't want, I was being selfish because I wanted to be the one, like, "Just grab my hand. I will get value and rescue you." And on her side of it, she was like, "No, I need to be able to know I can do it myself." So quick reminder as well is with all the craziness happening in the world, We are going to be rising above it energetically in a 3-day Own Your Vibe Challenge that starts on March 18th, 19th, and 20th. This is a 3-day transformational experience. It is absolutely free, and I'm going to be going live on YouTube. I'm going to be going live, and there's going to be a challenge, like a high vibe group. We're going to be going through a process of transforming our vibration from the inside out, and the main focus of it is going to be to be getting our own frame, getting in our own body, embodying who we really came here to be. And so that we can set boundaries easily, we can be leading in our own life and in our own frame and not diffusing our energy out to everything that's happened in the world, other people's emotional state. And we're going to learn how to raise our vibe and then keep it high. So if you want to join the Own Your Vibe Challenge, we're starting soon, March 18th, 19th, and 20th. There's only so many spots available, but it is completely free. So click the link below, grab your spot, and I'm looking forward to see you on those 3 days of transformation. But what happened as well is that triggered me because it had triggered like this rejection feeling. Like, why wouldn't you just want to take my hand? It's the path of least resistance. So it was like sparking my own abandonment wound and my rejection wound that I felt from childhood. And an interesting other thing that I realized about this is I was reading a book once and it was talking about how if somebody has like an abandonment wound where they either felt emotionally or physically abandoned growing up, then sometimes what'll happen is if somebody's like 5 minutes late, they'll get triggered. That is something that I had to shed as well. And even now I'm still working with that, to be honest with you, where I like to show up on time because for me it's like an integrity to your word thing. If I say I'm gonna show up at a certain time, then I show up. And if someone's late, it's like, even like 5 minutes, it's like, even yesterday I had this coaching call. My buddy Victor and I are joining like this mastermind thing. And we had a sales call, or wait, it was a sales call for us to like join their mastermind. And the guy was like 10 minutes late 'cause he had tech issues. And I was like getting irritated 'cause I was like, we're getting ready to spend, we were getting ready to spend a lot of money on this mastermind and someone's like 10 minutes late. So it's like, there's all these things that come up. Does somebody not value my time? Am I not worthy? Like all these thoughts come up and I've gotten better at just recognizing that that's just the monkey mind and the wounded part of me that feels like, you know, someone's not valuing my time. They don't think, you know, I feel not worthy, but that's all self-projection. It's like, it's internalizing things that are happening and creating the story and narrative around it. But when it comes to needy energy, The thing about this to realize is that needy is a form of control. That's what it is. And even like all three of those archetypes, by the way, if you look at the rescuer, the persecutor, and that of the victim, they all are rooted in that control. They want a certain level of control. They want something from the outside environment to help make it feel safe on the inside. And whether that's the rescuer feeling like, oh, I'm indispensable because if I add so much value to you, you'll never leave me. If I save you, that's the idea behind that. The persecutor, it's the same thing when it comes to, if I can control my environment, then I can feel safe. And it wants and needs other people to be a certain way in order to feel that. And a lot of times the victim will want attention or validation that what they went through and sympathy in a way. The thing that from this whole entire, like everything that I'm sharing right now, it does come down to energy dynamics quite a bit of it. Now, neediness is understanding that our values. Now we all live according to values. Values in a way are like our virtues. There are things that we live by. I remember I heard for years about values from Tony Robbins. And it was one thing that for like 2 years never resonated with me. I read his book, "Awaken the Giant Within." And I've been to "Date with Destiny," which is like a $5,000 seminar that my buddy Victor and I went through. And from going through it, pretty much the whole seminar is about becoming aware of your values because your values shape your identity. Now the thing is, is the 6 core values that he always talks about are certainty, uncertainty, growth, contribution, connection, and significance. These are the 6 human needs, and we all need them at a different degree, different level. But what happens is, is we all have a hierarchy of how we place these. Some people, growth may be over that of certainty. So they want to grow, but if something's top priority is certainty, then what happens is, is they might not grow because they wanna stay in the known. Or if their top is significance, then they want the approval and the validation of other people. If they want that more than they want like connection, they will sacrifice relationships in order to get the approval and the validation of other people. And there's also many other values as well. You know, you could value adventure, for example. People that value adventure, they go out into the world, they're going on hikes, they maybe value spontaneity, they like to do things on a whim, they're maybe a little bit more impulsive, they like to go rock climbing. You know, there's certain activities that'll also be a reflection of someone's inner values. And you can kind of look at people and get to know people and you can see their values and how they live by. Now, when we're needy, a lot of times we may either value significance, which means we wanna feel special. That's like the need to feel special, the need to feel unique, and that's something that may have stemmed from childhood trauma or experiences growing up where we feel like we didn't get attention or approval. But what happens is if we don't learn how to generate that sense of validation and approval from within, we then search for it on the outside. So really what being needy is, is being needy is having a higher value on other people's validation and approval than our own. So very important quick reminder is that every single Sunday at 9:00 AM Pacific Standard Time or 12:00 Eastern Time, we come together for a live meditation, a live teaching, and a live Q&A Q&A here on this YouTube channel. So if you haven't checked that out yet, I highly recommend joining one of those. There's an energy that grows every single week when we do it, and we not only change our own lives by tapping into this group collective energy, but it's changing the energy of the planet. So if you want to join in on this, if you want to experience it, then hit the subscribe button below and the notification bell so that you can get notified when we go live every single Sunday. And what happens is then because we're seeking that so much, it puts our source of energy outside of ourselves and we are then seeking something that is outside of us. So the key to this is to become aware of your own values, to become aware of your own identity. How are you showing up in the world? And the thing I would really encourage you to do is to really commit to you being in your own frame, to you really commit to you being the most authentic version of you, but also like the version of you that is leading in your own life. When we think about attractive energy, what is attractive and what is repelling? What is attractive is somebody that is not attached to outcome because they're in their own frame. A frame is like, you know, they say there's a show called Game of Thrones. And I remember watching a video that some YouTuber made, and it was talking about how Game of Thrones is really the game of frame because there's all these different kingdoms that are competing with each other for a certain frame, for a certain level of leadership. And you'll notice this in dynamics too when you're watching successful people talk. The person that has the most certain frame wins. I went to the gym yesterday. This is a random, This is a random offshoot point. And I was at the gym yesterday and this guy, this, I was getting ready, almost done with my workout. And it was somewhat busy, but there was this guy that worked there that was just on his phone like the whole time. And then he got up and he went to the back to where I was working. And I may, he thought that I forgot to put away some of my weights. And there was like this thing I was doing, it's called landmine, these landmine shoulder presses thing. It's like this bar that's like out. And I put away all my weights, but I don't think I put away the bar. Just being completely vulnerable and honest right now. Now this guy came up to me very triggered and he worked there and he's like, "Was that your stuff in the corner?" And I was like, "What?" I thought he was talking about my jacket or something like that. I was like, "No." And he was like, he's like, "You weren't doing like back rows? You weren't doing rows?" And I said, "No, I wasn't." And I just said it. It was just, it was an interesting, the whole interaction was interesting because he came up to me thinking that I left a whole bunch of weights in the back when I didn't. I think I just left that land. I just left a bar, but I didn't, I put away my weights and shit like that. But the way he came off to me, and then as soon as I said no, I said no. And he said, "That wasn't you?" I said, "No." I said it with certainty. And he was like, "Okay." But it was interesting because I could tell that in the past that I would've been like, "I don't know, was it me?" And it would've been like this weird like thing. But as soon as I said no with confidence and certainty, he was like, "Oh, okay." And then kind of walked away. But what was interesting just about that altercation in general was just the feeling of certainty behind what I was saying. And because I wasn't needy looking for his approval, looking for his validation, it was like, that was it. But there's times where other people can maybe check us, other people can maybe, say things to us and we feel like we're in a way subscribing to their frame, you know? I think growing up as well, this is gonna sound kind of interesting, but growing up, because I had my ex-stepmom in my life and she had such a strong frame because she controlled everything from 7 to 15 years old until my dad divorced her, subconsciously I felt safe in someone else's frame. So I would attract people into my life even after my stepmom left. That also had strong frame. So I would attract managers in my life that were very controlling, ex-girlfriends in my life that were controlling. I had to like walk on eggshells around my ex-stepmom. So I had to attract girlfriends I had to walk on eggshells around. Sometimes they also call that borderline personality disorder. But I remember even a girlfriend that I had, like I would, this is back in the day, I used to, back in 2011, 2012, I used to smoke a lot of weed. I had to hide that from my ex-girlfriend at the time. And she would drink 2 or 3 times a week, but like I wasn't allowed to smoke 2 or 3 times a week. And I was like so confused and I had to hide it. So I would take edibles and I was pretty much high all the time on edibles. And I felt like I had to hide shit because that was normal. And I was with somebody that, you know, like I would let tell me what to do because maybe that felt safe to me. Maybe that felt like something I needed their validation, their frame, and that felt comfortable to me. So one of the most powerful things you can do is to start to bring the energy back to you and realize, what do I want? What is my frame? What are my values? Am I valuing someone else's approval or validation over my own? What will happen is as you become aware that maybe you're valuing someone else's approval or validation, you can start to realize you don't need it anymore. You start to realize that a lot of times that's also was rooted in a level of shame that came from childhood. For me, it was realizing that feeling emotionally abandoned growing up then caused a belief that said, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough. And then sometimes even to attract people that maybe were emotionally unavailable or not as nurturing. And I had to realize that that felt safe and comfortable for me. And also that I was emotionally unavailable as well. That's why it felt so safe. So the thing that I had to realize though, was that my mom or my dad's emotional unavailability growing up had nothing to do with me. It wasn't 'cause I wasn't worthy, wasn't because I wasn't good enough. It was just their own stuff they were dealing with. And then that allowed me to start to release that energy. And I could start to then focus on things and I could focus on myself where I started to feel safe in my own body. I started giving myself my own sense of validation and approval by making the choice to do it, by letting go of the shame, by letting go of the belief, the limiting belief and the labels, as I said, that I'm broken, there's something wrong with me, I'm not worthy. So this is really an inner process of evaluating and looking at your current values and what you're living by, and then letting go of values that aren't serving you anymore. And when we do that, a lot changes. I think a part of the thing too that kind of depolarized my own relationships was that I would do whatever I could to mitigate tension. So tension was a bad thing growing up for me. So if I was myself and I said what I really thought, and felt, then I'd be like met with pain. Even just yesterday, for example, my girlfriend and I, and she's someone that is very emotionally available, she's very present and she's very freedom giving. And yesterday though, I realized that I was holding back and I almost felt I needed some time to just focus on some of my business stuff and to just be in my own energy. And there was a part of me that felt guilty for even wanting that. Or expressing that because back in the day, if I would've expressed that, it would've been met with either more tension or it didn't matter because my emotions didn't matter as a kid or as a teenager. So like there was a part of me that felt like I can't be vulnerable and I can't share this. And the thing is, is I then eventually did share it, but when I shared it, it came off very harsh because it was kind of pent up. And we had to have a conversation where I was like more clear about that. And I realized I could really let go of thinking that she is, going to respond like, you know, someone would've responded growing up. So that was like a little thing that came up within our relationship that was interesting. But it turns out that like, it's a very beneficial thing for me to be able to express and be vulnerable. And that a lot of times is the key to this whole entire thing, vulnerability. Vulnerability is the ability to go into the wound because vulner means wound and ability is like ability. So the ability to go into the wound and to show it, to even show, like people that are needy, they almost hide their neediness and then they're trying to control things. But there is also power in just expressing what you're really feeling. And that can be just not being ashamed of what you're feeling. So nice guys or people that are people pleasers, it's like a lot of times they're afraid of actually expressing what they really want, what they really desire. So therefore they try hiding it and it comes out in these other like passive aggressive ways. So one of the most powerful things you could do is to actually express your true desires. And I know that when I even first started dating Heather, I was very clear with my intentions that I wanted to date her, and that came through, and then I was also leading, and I was also in my own frame, and she was able to join that in a very healthy polarized way. One of the biggest keys to me healing and letting go of neediness has been me opening up my heart and being vulnerable. Expressing what I'm really feeling, knowing I'm not gonna get turned down for it, I'm not gonna get shamed for it, knowing I'm worthy to feel what I do feel, but also being honest with myself. If I'm searching for validation and approval from other people, it's recognizing that they don't have it. I contain the source of that. If I believe they have it, then that's a belief in scarcity. I believe there's only a little bit of love around and I have to get it from these couple different sources, and I'm looking for something outside of myself that is actually inside of myself. So one of the main keys of this whole entire thing is recognizing that and looking at your own values and making the choice for you to be in your own frame. Now, there is a video I've made that is on healing codependency. It's one of the most powerful videos I've ever made. I was so blown away by how much people love this video and how many people like, you know, listened to it and it helped. You could check that video out right here. This is the cure to codependency that I think will change your life. In this episode, I'm gonna be showing you the cure to codependency, how to never be needy again. I'm gonna share with you also my journey through this process, what I've learned about the inner child, how you can heal this process, how you can be in your own frame.