Why CHASING A Specific Person Is DESTROYING Your Life!

Attachment and desire is the root of all suffering. It's what the Buddha said. And in our lives, one of the most challenging things we can possibly go through is letting go of something that we are either in our minds attached to, emotionally attached to, physically attached to. And anything that we stay holding on That creates a resistant energy. Now, in the same way that attachment and desire is the root of all suffering, so is it that when you treat someone like a celebrity, they will then treat you like a fan. This is an energy dynamic type thing, and what we'll find is that in physical reality, the way it works is people are responding to us based on the role we are playing and based on the energy we are putting out. So if we're putting out an energy that someone else is on a pedestal or someone else is the root to our happiness, then what ends up happening is we end up depolarizing that dynamic and we end up setting the frame that somebody else is a celebrity. And then of course they treat you like a fan. So with this dynamic and with understanding, chasing someone else in general and especially, and especially a specific person, it is something that will completely destroy your life. And I say that because I also have seen the, not only in my own life, but also that in on, on YouTube. I made a video years ago, one of the first videos I made on my YouTube channel back before it was even at like 100,000 subs. It was on 3 ways to attract a specific person, and that video did really well. And most of the video though was talking about how what you should do is let go. Now the thing is, is what ends up happening is people hear let go and what they think is, okay, I'm going to let go of this person because then I'm going to get them back. And it's a funny thing because when you do let go, that actually does increase the chance of that happening. That's not the reason to do it. The reason to let go is because there's a recognition there that that's not actually serving your own energy. So, um, most of, and, and honestly think about it too, if you have somebody that you are really attracted to, you're going out with and you're maybe chasing them, what happens is, is you're looking for something from them. And that is an energy of taking. And when people feel that energy of taking, that you want something from them, they will normally put up walls and do anything they can to not give it because it's just an energy thing. I've realized that in my life, when somebody wants me to do something, a lot of times I put up walls and I resist it. And what we can begin to do is realize that the energy we are putting out is giving us the energy that is reflected back. but also we can start to become aware of the energy and who we are putting ourselves out there into the world to be. Because I found in my own life, when I am chasing anything, it sets me out of my own frame and then I'm not leading. It's almost like that other thing is leading my life. I'm literally following it kind of like a carrot on a stick. And what that causes is that causes depolarity. What that causes is that causes you to lose your center of gravity. And it's something that in the energy dynamic, it's something that as you become aware of, you can then take your energy back and start to refocus yourself on what you actually want in your reality, what your actual intentions are. So we know by looking at the energy dynamic that one chasing just doesn't work. It just doesn't work. But the second thing we can look at is that what we are normally chasing in someone else is something that we feel like we did not receive as kids. Think about that. There's something we are seeking in other people, whether that is their validation, their love, their nurturing, their approval, whatever it is, and what we are seeking in them we feel like we did not receive as kids. And what begins to happen as we become aware of this is we can start to decide and we can start to, uh, realize that a lot of the energy of chasing a specific person is tied into feeling like there's some familiar childhood dynamic when we were kids, and that's what we're fighting for. And many times as well, you may feel like you're not being chosen because if you're, if you're chasing someone, then that implies an energy dynamic of putting someone on a pedestal. It implies the energy dynamic that someone else is a celebrity and you're just a fan of them. Not only does it depolarize it, but also it is something that may feel familiar because it might feel, think about the word familiar, family. It might feel like something that is comfortable that you are used to. So when I see a lot of people playing that cat and mouse game with the chasing, normally it's also an anxious attachment style chasing the avoidant attachment style, which are two different types of attachment styles where anxious people lean in, avoidant people say no and they kind of lean back. So it's like this game. So it's called the avoidant anxious trap. And what you end up becoming aware of is one of the reasons it is destroying your life is because it is causing you to, uh, completely lose your own sense of self to prove yourself to someone else, to prove to someone else that you're enough. And one of the biggest things that has healed my own life is when I realized that some of the dynamics that I was either addicted to or chasing in my life, chasing other, chasing people. Um, what I could then see is that what I was chasing was validation and approval, but also I tied it back to when I was a kid, when I felt like my parents become emotionally unavailable because they had their own stuff going on. And I can see that that felt safe to me. So I was also choosing people that were emotionally unavailable because that felt safe and comfortable to me. So I would attract people that also weren't choosing me because I wasn't choosing myself. And that was one of the biggest game changers in my own life is when I realized I was not choosing myself, so therefore I would choose and chase someone else. I was abandoning myself because I felt like I had emotional abandonment growing up, so I had to— I felt like I had to change myself in order to be enough. I had to change myself in order to get validation of other people. I was not good enough just the way I was, so if I could change, if I could mitigate my environment and have people think and feel a certain way about me, then I could feel good enough and therefore I was I was addicted to a chasing energy because I was constantly trying to prove myself and I thought that I was trying to do that with past relationships and I was, but I realized the root of that came from childhood. It came from, it was almost like I was attracting people into my life that I was trying to change or fix because if I could get them to change or fix, I would then prove to myself that I'm worthy. Also, the thing you want to become aware of with this chasing dynamic, and one of the reasons it might be destroying your life is because all of your energy is going into someone else, but also it may be something that you're doing because you feel like if you can fix somebody else, then you become indispensable. Does any of you guys have that kind of mentality? Do you have the mentality to where if I can, if I can rescue you, if I can help you, if I can add value to you, If I could take you in and make it all better, then guess what? I have value. And also you probably never leave me because I become that valuable. But at the same time, if you treat someone like a celebrity, they're going to treat you like a fan. If you treat someone like a coaching client, then it really depolarizes the relationship. I've also done that in the past where I'm trying to fix somebody, which also, by the way, if you're trying to fix somebody, You're implying that somebody else is broken and then they feel that energy and it doesn't feel very good to them either, but it creates this codependency. It's almost like there's an addiction to codependent energy dynamics. And if I can get people to think or feel a certain way about me, then what happens is I can keep them attached to me. And if they're attached to me, then, then I feel like they're never going to leave. But chasing someone else's approval, chasing someone else and wanting them to like you, chasing someone else in general will destroy your life because it will take you out of yourself and have you focus on everything else. And it's also trying to control the one thing in our life that— I mean, there's many things in our life that maybe we can't control, but there's one thing for sure we know we can't control, and that's someone else's thoughts, emotions, and actions. We can put out our desires, we can be vulnerable, but we cannot control relationships. And that's one of the things that's hard for people to do because I think a lot of times also when we're kids, if we experienced a lot of tension growing up or we experienced a lot of like, um, craziness in our family, what we end up doing is we end up saying, okay, I'm going to change who I am. I'm going to change my energy. So that then what happens is everybody else is good. So we then tune ourselves to the outside to know that it's safe. And when then we get into some type of dating thing or some type of dynamic, we then realize that we're also trying to ease their tension, to ease how they feel, but then we're losing our own sense of authenticity. We're losing our own sense of being grounded in who we are. So that's one thing that will change everything if you apply it into your life, is becoming aware of your own energy and what are you trying to hide. The people pleaser mentality, the nice guy mentality that I had to shed was me trying to hide the shame that I felt for feeling that I was broken or that there was something wrong with me. And it was really an addiction to validation because if you would, if I was just nice to you, then you'd be nice to me. And I just, even my, I asked my dad this a lot because he's the nicest guy in the world. And I, that's where I had to, that's where I got it to where I had to shed it. And I would say to him, and I feel bad, I'm not going to say this anymore, but I always say to him, dad, why are you so damn nice? And it's me trying to pick his brain to understand like why is he so nice? You know, he attracted my ex-stepmom into his life who is a narcissist. So from 7 to 15, she was in my life and he kind of allowed it. And it was something that was probably familiar to him because he had the nice guy mentality. So he allowed someone else to walk on him. I think there was a part of him that also maybe craved being in someone else's frame, having someone else tell him what to do, having someone else give him rules. And I looked to his childhood too sometimes and I wonder where he got that because his dad was like emotionally unavailable because his dad was an alcoholic. I never met my true grandpa. And then I'm like, my mom, his mom, my grandma has given, gave him a lot of freedom, but I wonder where he exactly got the night where he just decided that this is how I have to be. But then I found out also from my grandma that my dad's dad, real dad, who I never met, I guess he was a really nice guy. And also he probably was also somebody that was very needy and chasing my grandma because what happened is when he was an alcoholic, he divorced my— when he was an alcoholic, my grandma left him and then he became extremely depressed and he became really needy and was just trying to get my grandma back for years, but my grandma wouldn't take him back. So I can see that maybe there's like a needy energy there. A people pleaser energy. And he's like then trying to, trying to get that frame back. But in general, I can kind of, you can kind of look to some of your own childhood and some of your parents' different dynamics to kind of see how that may affect you. But also something that I find interesting with my whole grandma and my dad's mentality is that I can see that my dad craved that validation, craved the approval, craved the frame. Really what it really, what this is is this is an addiction to someone else's frame, to someone else to tell you you're good enough, to someone else to give you rules. And I get this too because I have been subconsciously, not something I was consciously aware of, but I've been addicted to that energy when I was younger because when my dad divorced my ex-stepmom when I was 15, my brother and I went from no, you know, no no freedom at all to all of a sudden had ultimate freedom. We had to like do things like we had to tuck in our shirts going to school. We had to comb our hair to the side. We weren't allowed to look the way we weren't allowed to have friends. We weren't allowed to hang out with people. We were normally at the house working outside for 8 hours a day, going to school and then coming home and doing more chores. And that's why I think my brother and I really liked going to school because that was our escape from home. But then what happened is my dad divorces my ex-stepmom finally because I don't know if I want to say this. One of the things that inspired him to do that though was his own mom. My grandma gave him a new frame that said, you need to do this or I'm going to call CPS. So interestingly enough, I think he was given a frame. He believed in that frame for 7 years that he was married. And then my grandma gave him a different frame where he didn't really kind of have a choice. And then he decided that, and then all of a sudden my brother and I have all this freedom, which was great, but it was also kind of scary. There was a scariness to having all that freedom because at least if everything was controlled, it's like I knew what my boundaries were. I knew what I could do, what I couldn't do. Now all of a sudden I'm allowed to have food, I'm allowed to eat food, allowed to get seconds, thirds. I started looking healthier, started gaining weight because my brother and I were both like 110, 120 pounds as I'm like a sophomore in high school, super skinny. No, I was a junior in high school. But what I can tell is that after that happened, I attracted my first girlfriend who was very controlling and jealous. I stayed in that relationship 3 years too long. Why? Because it felt familiar. Manager. And then after that, I got transferred. I broke up with her, got transferred to the better shoe department manager, just like my ex-stepmom. There was a part of me that was addicted to that energy because I always had someone in my life that represented the energy of my ex-stepmom, even after I got out of that relationship. So if I could do that with the old ex-stepmom situation, who's to say that a lot of times when we're chasing someone else, It's not just the replaying of the energy from when we were kids, from when we felt like we weren't being chosen, when we felt like there was like something there that is missing. Maybe that we are choosing someone that isn't choosing us, but I think a lot of this is just a distraction. We are distracting ourselves. From what would really— we're distracting ourselves from also doing our own work. I had a story that I was kind of the victim. I had a story that like, people don't choose me, I'm not good enough, I need to try to fix someone, and if they don't want my help, then what else can I do? I'm just waiting around. And what I realized is these stories were just on autopilot. These stories are very comfortable, but they kept me in a little box. And it wasn't easy, but eventually I had to look at myself and I had to realize that this isn't just everyone else's problem. It's not just that this person's not choosing me, this person's running from me, they're being avoidant. It was— I was half of the equation because I was— for some reason I liked that energy. I was used to that energy. That energy felt familiar. So then what I ended up having to do was to become aware of that energy. And I had to also get to the roots of understanding this one idea. This is the one idea that I think will really start the inner child healing for you in a very powerful way and reverse the energy dynamics so that you start to realize your own worth. Because realize this, when you feel worthy, when you acknowledge your own sense of worthiness, when you are in your own frame, when you're leading in your life, that energy is extraordinarily magnetic. But it was like I wasn't giving myself permission to feel it because I was so focused on other. Many people that have that of an anxious attachment style, and most people that are chasing do have an anxious attachment style, or that's the part of themselves that is at least activated. They're leaning in, they're wanting. When you were a kid, most likely what happened is you had to tune yourself to your environment in order to feel safe. And what ended up happening is you were looking to other people for validation and approval so that you could feel safe. And then now what's happened is you're no longer a kid, but you're still looking for someone else's validation and approval or someone else to tell you that it's safe. And what I had to do is I had to become aware that this stemmed all the way back to childhood and I had to become aware that my mom's stuff, my dad's stuff growing up. The reason things happened when I was a kid wasn't because it was my fault. It wasn't because I'm not worthy. It wasn't because I'm not enough. That was their stuff, not mine. And as I started to realize this, it started to be a big relief because I realized that my parents' divorce when I was 5 wasn't my fault. I realized that my mom becoming emotionally available when I was 1 or 2, and it's Not even her fault. Her dad died, my grandpa, and when that happened, she lost a lot of weight. She was very in her head about it. I, I, I can imagine, and it really affected her. And then I felt like there's something wrong, there's something wrong, because especially as kids, we're really sensitive. But then I made a choice that's like, maybe if I change a little bit, maybe if I am a certain way, maybe then everything's going to be okay. I just want to establish safety, but then that became an autopilot mechanism. So chasing anything causes pain because it takes you out of your own frame and it has you focused on validation, approval, and it has you focused on other, on the outside instead of the inside. So for me, what changed is I had to release the shame. And that's what nice guy and people pleaser mentality is, by the way. It's like being afraid to be vulnerable. It's being afraid to be real because if you're real or vulnerable, you're afraid you're gonna get rejected. So what happens is then you put on this persona of being really nice and mitigate and like be able to mitigate tension. But it's not actually authentic. And when I was talking about my dad earlier saying, oh, I just— my dad, like, why do you always say damn nice? You want to know his answer is, I just believe, you know, I believe that you should treat people the way you want to be treated, which sounds really good, right? Sounds like, yeah, well, Aaron, of course you should treat people the way you want to be treated. Here's the difference though. When we are being nice to someone else, We want something from them. We are being nice in order to get something from them. When you are being kind to someone else, you're being kind because it's who you are. Being nice is a means to an end. Being kind just is. I'm being nice to someone because I want their approval and their validation. I want their frame. I want their— I can understand it's safe. The key to this is being really honest to yourself of are you being nice or are you being kind? And if you're being kind, then even if somebody rejects you, it's okay because being kind is who you are. If you're nice though, you will get very offended if someone's not nice back to you because you're like, wait, I said that I'm being nice because you're supposed to treat me the way I want to be treated and you're not treating me that. It's like this, it's this thing where it's like I will give in order to get. It's manipulation. What happens when you attract— what happens when there's a manipulative energy under there to get validation or approval is you find somebody else that's going to either play on that manipulation or someone else that's just playing that game. So this is something that when you become aware of changes absolutely everything. The thing that I'd recommend you do if you're listening to this video, is begin to make the choice to tap into your own vulnerability. Vulnerability is the cure to shame. Vulnerability is also more real and authentic. And the key to really attracting love in general is to be yourself, to be yourself. Well, they always say that, right? Be yours, just be yourself, just be yourself. It's like, what does that mean? Am I the nice guy? Is that who I am? Be the real you, unapologetic you, the you that values vulnerability and authenticity over others' validations. That's really what this is too. We have certain values we live by. The values make up our identity. And if we value someone else's approval because we aren't aware that that's been something that's been on autopilot, then we continue to seek other people's validation and approval. Over our own. But when I started to make the choice to be vulnerable and to open my heart, everything in my life began to change. Everything became easier. Everything became more clear to me. And also I started— it was a mixture of that plus opening my heart because I realized that when I was chasing people that weren't choosing me, it's like my heart was closed and I was so familiar and it was so comfortable for me to seek out someone else's approval and validation, but also like it was a way of keeping that game alive of not feeling chosen and also of finding someone who wasn't choosing back. So chasing a specific, especially a specific person, let's talk about that for a minute too. Chasing a specific person is putting all your eggs in one basket and completely limiting you from attracting in love. Now imagine this. Imagine that there's a closet and imagine that that closet is full and you want to attract more clothes to put in your closet, but you've got closet in your— you got clothes in your closet that fill it up so much you can't fit anything else. There's no energetic room for someone else when you are focused on a specific person. I have a good friend of mine right now who is focused on a specific person and trying to make it work. And it's very obvious that until she lets this person go, and it's like a toxic back and forth relationship, until she lets this person go, she won't attract anyone else. And you want to know why? There's no energetic room for anyone else. There's no room. It's just literally like that's all she's thinking about. She's even putting out the energy like they are together when they're not together. Like just subconsciously. She's not doing that intentionally, but it's like there's no energetic space for someone else to come in. So therefore, not only are you choosing someone that's not choosing you, but by you choosing someone that's not choosing you, you are then saying no to everybody else that could come into your life. So realize that this is the energy dynamic, that this is the game that's being played. And the thing is, we want to stop playing games. We want to stop trying to be someone else and we want to just start being ourselves, being vulnerable. And sometimes that may mean if there's somebody that you're chasing, one thing you could do is you could get vulnerable with them and then express how you really think and feel. And if you do that, you know, one of the things is you might be afraid to do that because if you do that, they could reject you. But the thing is, when you do that, you then put it all out on the table. Many times they will then at least respect you. Because you're in a way letting go of the shame. You're not afraid to share that. And then if they do choose something else, then guess what? Then you know, and then you can start putting your energy in other places. It makes it easier for you to make that choice. And then yes, maybe you do that. Maybe you completely let go and maybe that energy, and then it comes back. But what I would encourage you to do is to choose yourself because it's who you choose to be, to feel worthy. It's, It's an end of itself, not a means to an end. You're not, not choosing someone because then they're going to come back to you. I've seen it happen though, but it's not the good— it's not. It's a manipulative energy. And why is that true, by the way? Why have you ever had friends that you've noticed they're just thinking about someone, they're thinking about someone, they can't get over someone, and then they finally start to go out with friends. They finally start to focus on a new hobby they have, and then as soon as their energy withdraws from that person, that person then all of a sudden is back on them and interested again. Why is that? Because energy is contagious and people can feel when you're thinking about them and people could feel when you withdraw their energy from them. But the answer to this all along was to focus on yourself and your own passion and your own frame. Really what people are afraid of losing when they're chasing a specific person is what they've done is they've given someone some type of meaning. Meaning says this person is my path to love. It's my source of love or social approval. They chase it, chase it, chase it. And what happens is, is thinking about letting that person go is scary because letting go of that person's approval or letting go of that person's validation represents the letting go of that meaning. And what people are, they're afraid to let go because if I let go of that meaning, I'll never find that new meaning again. I'll never find that new connection again. But the thing, the truth could not be further. Like it, it's the opposite. When you let go of that, you can then create a new meaning. And sometimes people find that. And one of the ways they get over breakups and stuff is what they do is they start, they start going after what they're passionate about and then they become— I know that I went through a breakup back in 20, like '16, 2017, and then I went full-time on YouTube in 2017 and I became so immersed in my business, so immersed in making YouTube videos and going after my passion and within 6 months quit my job at Barney's New York and I was so focused that it gave me like new meaning in life and I started to feel completely in my own frame. But realize also you always attract people that are equal matches to the energy you're putting out. So if you're putting out the energy that, if you're putting out the energy, if you work a 9 to 5 job you hate, you might find yourself always attracted to people and in relationships with people that also work 9 to 5 jobs they hate. If you work with maybe a 9 to, someone that works a 9 to 5 job they love or they're passionate about at some level, then you might also find it's like a give and take. When I started doing what I love, I started only attracting people that did what they love. But at the same time, if you're choosing someone that's not choosing you, it might be because you're not choosing yourself. And if you were to just get to the core of your own energy and focus more on your own worthiness, focus more on realizing that people feel what you feel. So the reason it's destroying your life to chase someone else is that it's like you're chasing the validation, the approval outside of you, but also it's It's about realizing that you can pull your energy back because most likely you're someone growing up that had to tune to other people in order to feel validated. So it's like you bring that energy back and then you feel in your own frame. One of the most powerful techniques I've ever learned, I learned from my shadow work integration coach. And what this was, was a, it's called the frame technique. All you do is you feel inside of your body and you feel the separation between you and the walls, feel the separation between you and the, um, like the, the, the objects in your house. And as you put the awareness and you feel the separation, you start to feel more present in your body. You start to feel more solid. And I would do this little exercise even around going to Whole Foods, on hikes and stuff when I lived in Sedona. And it was like magic the way it works because I'm then not pushing my energy out, it's coming back. And when it comes back, you are magnetic. I remember in Costa Rica, I went to a life transformation place and, um, center, and there was this lady there that had a book and she was like talking about energy, energy codes and stuff. And one thing she said is she's like, all right, everyone in the crowd, she, I want you guys to throw energy at me, throw energy at me, throw energy. We were all throwing and project our energy at her. And then she, she said that when that happens, it makes her feel like she's leaning back. And then she said, all right, I want you guys to draw all the energy back in your body, draw it all back in your body. And as the crowd did it, she said she could feel the magnetic energy coming towards them because that's the way energy works. Are you in your own frame? Are you leading in your own life? Are you doing what you love? These are all pillars of a higher level of consciousness. These are all pillars of you shifting and something I believe that has happened on the planet right now, not to get too esoteric, but I believe that there's a shift in consciousness happening on the planet. We have the ability to perceive things from a higher level of consciousness. And right now there's a lot of old systems falling away. There's a lot of old patterns falling away, including like the old energy dynamics where we have— we attract people that aren't choosing us and like all of this stuff where we're chasing. It's like an old pattern that just doesn't work anymore. And you might be getting the reflection in your life that it's like not serving your life anymore. Now there also is something that I'm going to be doing. Live March 11th, 12th, and 13th. And that is the Shift Experience. It's a live virtual experience where we are gonna create instant shift in our life, where in 3 days we're gonna be a completely new version of ourselves. You will not be the same at the end of those 3 days. You'll shift your consciousness, raise your vibration, and transform your life. And we're gonna do that through long immersive days of us going into coaching, us going through processes. I'm gonna bring on my shadow work integration coach, So if you want to check that out, you can click the link below or you can go to theshiftexperience.com, www.theshiftexperience.com, and you can check that out. But it's the first virtual live event I'm doing with this and I can't wait. It's going to be like 8 or 9 hours a day, but it'd be powerful. It's going to be, you are going to be new you. There's gonna be live meditations, um, group work, group energy dynamics, so you can wire in this new you. But in general, for chasing a specific person and realizing that this all stems back to childhood, we then begin to take our power back. And the key is that as we take our power back, we feel more empowered. We also realize that the key to everything we're doing in our lives, the key to all of this is realizing self-worth, is getting back in our own frame and understanding that we are enough the way we are and how we feel is reflected back to us. How we feel is something that, um, other people can feel off of us. And when we do that, everything in our life begins to change. Now here's the thing, if you haven't checked out the Shift Experience or you want to check out, you want to join, go ahead and click this link right here. Join the Shift Experience and check it out. We're going live and right now is the best price you'll ever going to see it as an early bird price right now. And I'm excited for 3 days of transformation. So with that being said, talk to you guys later.