Why They Pulled Away (And How to Handle It)

My husband left me. How do you deal with that? Yeah, pain, the sorrow, and the fear of something that I, I don't think I'm creating inside myself.

So where do you think— who do you think's creating that?

Sorry, I might cry a little bit. It's okay. I really— I just— creating it. I do feel like he's created it. I mean, like, okay, maybe I could have handled situations better or whatever. Maybe I have something to do with that, but like, this isn't really anything under my control. I feel powerless.

Yeah, so you feel powerless. Now the, the interesting thing to look at in this is when we look at somebody— so somebody else left.

Yeah.

And then we can look at, say, somebody else that left and because they left, it's causing me to feel fear, sorrow, et cetera. But where is the fear, the sorrow, et cetera happening?

Inside of me.

Yeah. It's happening inside of you. So the thing that looks like, now this thing that's happening might appear to be happening because of an external thing, but the external thing is simply a trigger for unconscious stuff that's coming up.

Okay.

And many times what we'll find is that if you go through a breakup, there may also be some form of other cascade of emotions that come up that come from unprocessed grief from the past.

Okay.

And either mom or dad who maybe physically wasn't emotionally available or present. So it might bring that up. And it's interesting because it becomes a reflection of more sometimes than even just the person. So the person that we say, you're causing this to happen in me— now, first off, let's look, let's look at that and see where is there opportunity for you to let yourself feel the fear or the grief or the sorrow.

I try to do it when it comes up. I try to embrace it, and it does help.

Mm-hmm.

But, you know, Hmm, one of the things— this is funny— one of the things you said, like, think back on something that happened to you in your past, and it just came to my head. Yeah, it's that when I used to watch Disney movies, yeah, and there would be like a story about animals or whatever, and there's like this part that the animal gets separated from its owner, and I'd be like crying as a little kid, like, but I felt like love at the same time, like sorrow felt like the love. And I was wondering, like, is that what I'm experiencing? Experiencing, like, yeah, this sorrow that I feel is just the other side of love.

Yeah, that's a beautiful realization, isn't it?

No, no, no.

There— can you guys feel that? That is a beautiful— that is also— I mean, I found that as a beautiful way of also interpreting even my mom passing a few— 2 years ago. I realized that the grief that I feel is also love. Yeah, it's like an echo of that love. And the other thing that I've realized, and it's kind of more of a spiritual perspective, even just in related to my mom passing away, is I actually feel more connected to her now that she's gone than I even did when she was here. Because I feel more connected to like a spiritual expanded part of her that I feel in dream time. Like, and it's like a spiritual thing, but I feel just as connected and almost like there's less barriers and limitations there than before because of the state of consciousness she might be in. And the same thing though, when we attract people into our lives, a lot of times they are reflecting back the love, the fear, the sorrow, the grief. They're reflecting back all of what's already inside of us. And we can point and say, that's what's causing this, but that might also be a blessing for some part of yourself you're learning to integrate. And also an energy that's a beautiful realization that you have, that that sorrow and that grief is also kind of the other side of love. And the way that in which you work with the energy and you accept and let yourself feel what comes up is already what it feels like you're doing. It's just a lot of times we try to do it to get rid of it, right? Like how long do I have to feel the fear and the sorrow before it goes away.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

But the key is realizing that the more you become okay with feeling the fear and the sorrow, the more that then maybe you realize there's not as much resistance on the inside.

Okay.

But when it comes also to other people leaving, I remember watching a Eckhart Tolle talk and someone was asking him about betrayal. Someone stood up and was like, "I was betrayed." And he's like, "Whoa." He's like, "Betrayal. You were betrayed." Feel how heavy that story is, right? It's a heavy story. The terminology, the language we use has such a heavy emphasis on the feeling, right? My husband left me, right? He left. I was there and he left. It creates this energy, right? It's like we're able to see that that creates a heaviness, right? And maybe on another side of it, there's also a recognition that maybe there wasn't any resonance any longer in the same way that there used to be, right?

Well, I actually understand, and this kind of helps me a little bit is that he is unraveling. He's, he's, he was an alcoholic. Yeah, his childhood trauma is coming up and he has post-traumatic stress disorder from his childhood. Like, I say those things to relieve myself. Yeah, the guilt or whatever, or the, the feeling of responsibility for what he's going through, because he is interesting.

He is going through a dark Point, you know, do you get value from trying to help him through that dark portal?

Um, maybe a little bit. I, I'm trying to keep my distance from him because I don't want to be the rescuer, the savior. I want him to deal with it himself. Yeah, and I want the universe— I know that we're supposed to co-create, and maybe we're not supposed to be together. I mean, as hard as that is for me to I would love to spend the rest of my life with him because he's familiar, we've been together for so long, but I don't know what's best for me or him. So I'm leaving it that way, but it's so scary. That's the fear. Like, I don't know what my future is. I feel like I—

So first off, how many of you can feel the energy shift now that she's talking? It comes a little more clear, right? So first off, I want to acknowledge that there's an energy, like there's a powerful energy coming up for you. Okay, where it's like you're aware, oh, actually I don't want to be the fixer. I don't— maybe this is what he needs. There's more of an acceptance of the situation. Yeah, now that we have more context. And maybe the part of yourself— you said the word guilt. Yeah, you felt guilt. Yeah, you know, maybe you're not just breaking up with this person. Maybe you're also breaking up with a pattern.

Yeah. Oh, for sure. I've always been, uh, the, the doormat, the Right. Giver, the tolerant, overlooking.

Yeah, you have to— if you're, if you're in a relationship with an alcoholic, like a chronic alcoholic for a long period of time, you have an extreme amount of being able to tolerate, right, right, and energy, and be a little bit oblivious.

Yes.

And to be a little bit like, right, denial. And you said something interesting. Okay, you said it's familiar. Yeah, it's familiar. Yeah, it's what you know. Mm-hmm. When you were a kid, was it familiar to to be naive?

Totally.

Was it familiar to be around an alcoholic or somebody that was addicted to something?

My first marriage, well, we got together, I was 16. I've always been with addicted people.

Yeah. So why do you think you attract addicted people? What is the payoff you get?

Because I feel sorry for them and I have— I feel that compassion.

You feel compassion?

Yeah.

Is it really compassion? If you are enabling?

Probably not in my head when you say that, but in my heart. My heart thinks it is, but my head knows it's not.

Yeah, it's an important thing to become aware of because a lot of times what people do that are givers is they give, they give, they give, and they think, I'm being good and I'm helping people. Is it really helping? That's the question to become aware of, right? And if we feel like, is it really helping? I feel guilty. And also sometimes there can be a connection to codependence, codependency, right?

Yeah.

Because who else is gonna tolerate years of alcohol, being an alcoholic, right? So this is what you know, they're gonna stick with you also because there's this certainty, you're tolerating this energy, you're fixing them or trying to fix them. But the thing to realize is that there may also be that pattern there where you feel responsible, you feel guilty, and you feel like you're gonna fix them. And if you did, you know, like if you did fix them, I mean, that relationship may be serving a certain purpose for you. And by the time you fix them, there actually might not be, 'cause you're not really married to him, you're married to a pattern. Do you see that?

Mm-hmm. Well, my guilt comes from the end of our relationship, I stopped caring. And then I thought that maybe I was—

What do you mean by you stopped caring?

I stopped caring, trying to be the good person.

Yeah.

And I started, I was like, I don't know if I should cuss right now, but fuck you then. If you're gonna do that to me, I'm gonna, I got like that.

Yeah, a little sassy, little sassy pants, come on. Fuck you.

I did, I got like that. That's what I feel guilty about. I don't really feel too guilty about my tolerance and my overlooking. Maybe I should, but—

You should feel guilty.

Feel guilty, come on. But in my head, I was like, okay, this will play out. We're gonna get there. I'll just ride this.

What does it feel like to always be trying to get there?

Yeah, yeah.

You just stay with it, be very tolerant, hold lots of space. Be naive to patterns.

Yeah.

Eventually, maybe you'll get there.

Mm-hmm.

What could this be avoiding you from actually feeling?

That I'm being taken advantage of, and that—

You feel like you're being taken advantage of?

Yeah, yeah, and that I'm not being appreciated.

Who's the one taking advantage of?

Whoa.

Who's taking advantage of who?

I think there's gonna be a play to this, but he's taking advantage of me. Yeah.

And you know where I'm going.

Yeah, yeah, okay. But I'm not— am I taking advantage of my own self?

You're taking advantage— you might be taking advantage of your own self. You may also be taking advantage of him.

Really?

Well, think about it. What do you think?

I don't know. I never looked at it that way.

Well, he's certain— here he is, his alcoholic self that you get to be very tolerant, naive around. You can just fix him, you feel— how do you feel when you fix someone else or you're tolerant of someone else? What is the payoff you get? You said it.

Um, what did I say?

You feel like a good person. You get to be—

well, yeah, maybe I thought that I was like growing in maturity, that I was becoming like less emotional and more logical.

Less emotional, more logical.

Yeah.

What if this might also be a block from emotional intimacy? Hmm. Think about that.

Okay.

'Cause a lot of times what people do is they'll attract people that are addicted to stuff.

Oh.

And they'll say, this person's emotionally unavailable because they're addicted to all this stuff. But here they are in a relationship for 5 years with them. And then they're the problem, right? They're taking advantage of you. They're the problem. What don't you get to look at inside of yourself?

Say it again, please.

What don't— what— there's many times when someone is emotionally unavailable that we've attracted into our life. The story is they're emotionally unavailable, but I am so emotionally available. I've just been in a relationship for 5 years with this pattern, this energy, this person. But there's a lot of times the recognition isn't there that there's also an emotional unavailability within the self, but it's being confused with codependency. So this relationship may also serve a purpose from protecting you from the scary intimate connection that you could really have with someone else. Think about that. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, I never thought of that.

So, okay, but, but also, like, when we were talking about over here with the whole the bad guy thing, right? But it's like, a lot of times what people will say, like empaths, you know, I attract manipulative narcissists. But there's a manipulative energy there that's like, who do I need to be and how do I need to give myself so that you feel a certain way so that I can feel good about myself? It's still manipulative. So they're both playing a similar game, just one's overt, one's covert. So with this, it's kind of similar in a way in the sense that he's taking advantage of you, but you're also agreeing to be there. You're agreeing to be there so bad that you're sad about the breakup, right?

Yeah.

You're sad, you're sad. And the, but it's like, it sounds like that pattern. And maybe there, I'm sure there's energy there and there's, I'm not trying to like downplay it, but what I'm saying is there's something you got out of it. And the advantage, the taken advantage of thing is there's an advantage you got from being the good person that's saving them, that's tolerant, that's et cetera. And that's another part that you might feel like you're missing, that codependent energy.

I don't know if that's really it because the thing that I could be wrong, the thing that I thought I was getting out of it is because he also is very affectionate, very loving, very caring. He took care of the house, he built things. He, that's what I thought I was getting out of it. I don't know. I don't know if that— what you're saying I was getting the—

what do you think you were getting out of it? If there were subconscious payoffs there, okay, you're getting a payoff for being in a relationship with someone that's alcoholic, addicted to something, or even—

I was actually in denial, I think, about all that.

Okay.

Yeah, I think that really my payoff was that he was just super like always telling me how beautiful I was and, yeah, and just so, yeah, loving and I get it, affectionate and there for me in a lot of ways. Yeah, you know, not 50/50, like he was over here, he wasn't that great over here, he was great, right? So I think I was just in denial of this and only looking at that. Yeah, because I don't know if I got a payoff for— I don't think I thought—

what denial do you get for What payoff do you get from being in denial?

All the good stuff that he gave me.

Okay.

I think.

Yeah.

I don't know. I'm unclear. I think that's what it was. I loved him and he made me happy in a lot of ways and I enjoyed—

Even when you say he made you happy, this is a similar thing that we were talking about before because we have a tendency to say that. They made me happy when actually the happiness chemicals are inside of you. The happiness, like the, you are giving yourself permission to be happy because you were around them and you like the way that you feel or the person that you are when you're with them. Does that make sense? So of course there's still a relational dynamic here. There's still hormones going on and also a connection, a spiritual thing going on as well. So I'm not trying to downplay that, but I'm also, if you're gonna give them, if you're gonna give them the blame for the pain, It's like, or for the pain of taking it away, it's also like, it's realizing, okay, that's all manufactured from the inside out, right? Even the pain, because it's like, we're choosing to feel that now that we're seeing that breakup's not there. But also the happiness at the same time, that happiness, the connection that you feel, you thought was dependent on him.

Yeah.

Right?

Okay, yeah. I mean, I do have happiness without him as well at times.

So what do you think from this interaction then, from you thinking about him? And you started off this conversation with the sadness and the sorrow about the breakup, and then you went a whole thing where you were realizing, you know, maybe we're not right for each other. Maybe this relationship, it's like he'd be better off without me, and I'm better off, and I have more energy over here, but it's familiar. So maybe, what's there? What if you embrace the unknown?

I know, but I just, I, I'm the type of person that likes to be in a relationship. I don't like the unknown, thinking that, okay, I might be alone for the rest of my life, or I don't want to settle with some man.

How's your relationship with yourself?

I really, I like myself. I really do. Yeah, I think I'm a good person, and I'm a good person. Yeah, and I'm caring.

I'm caring.

Yeah, I'm, I can be really happy. Yeah, and I have fun in life, and that's awesome. I enjoy a lot of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, so that's, that's all, that's all powerful things to be aware of inside of yourself. Okay, now where is there, where is there an opportunity? What do you think this is really about, this whole thing we're talking about today?

I'm hurt that he left me. Yeah, what do you mean?

That's why I'm asking you to look into what is this really about? You're hurt that he left you.

I'm hurt that he left me and I feel powerless and I'm scared of being alone and I am afraid of the unknown of the future and I'm hurt.

Okay. Well, first off, it's okay to be hurt. Okay, it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to feel sorrow. The emotions that are coming up, we can look at them and we can say, how do we— how can we get these to go away? But as we've seen a couple times already today, instead of trying to get it to go away, what if we embraced that fear? What if we embraced that grief? What if we embraced the hurt? And what if we let it be there? If you were to feel inside of your body, where would you feel like this energy is?

It's right here.

So it's down here.

It's here, and then it goes up to here.

Okay.

Yeah.

And if that energy were to have a voice, what would it say?

Come back. Yeah. Why did you do this? Why? Yeah, I don't want to be alone. I mean, it's okay to be alone, and I lived alone for 16 years. I got my animals, and I live in the country, and I love my life and stuff, but you know, I want to share it with somebody.

Well, what about the person that you had to— what about the part of yourself that you had to be naive and you had to ignore?

I don't want to do that. I won't do that again, ever.

Yeah, well, the part of you that's coming up right now may also be connected to the part of you that has felt alone for so long, even for years you were with him.

That's true. There was a time at the end I was starting to feel very alone, right?

And the part of you where, where there can be a very powerful shift for you is to pay attention to that part of you. 'Cause that's the part of you that feels alone. And even if you don't listen to this part of you that feels alone, you will find other people who will physically be there, but you will still feel alone. You, for a period of time during the honeymoon phase, will be distracted and you'll feel dopamine and serotonin. And when that goes away, you'll still feel alone because there's that part of you that's felt alone that you can be tapping into and to be present with. Just like all of us are here with you while you're feeling this emotion, not trying to fix you, not trying to change how you feel, we're just being present. But there's a part of you that might feel alone. And what if you were to connect to that part of you? What does that part of you say?

It's okay, Stace. It's okay. God's got you.

Yeah.

And the animals are there. Your friends.

Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. This is a— this is an example of that kind of emotion that you can allow yourself to feel.

Okay.

That emotion is where there's a lot of potential for breakthrough. 'Cause you're letting yourself feel what you may have not let yourself feel before, but you're also acknowledging a part of yourself that you may have not been looking at for a long time.

Okay.

Because to be in a relationship like that for a long period of time and to be naive or in denial, you've got a, there's a part of you that probably is like, this isn't fair, this isn't right.

Yes, I had that, yeah.

And then for a long time, what did you do?

I swept it under the carpet.

Yep. And then it's, okay, I'll just feel alone over here. And then you're over here like, I don't want to be alone. I want somebody in my life. Come back. And this is the part of you that really wants you to come back. This is the part of yourself that you can begin to integrate with. Do you feel that?

Yeah.

So for many of us, there's subconscious aspects of ourselves where we are looking for in other people things that a lost part of ourselves may have felt was missing. And what happens is if we're not aware of it, we will project those needs onto everyone else. We will project it onto our business, we will project it into our work, we will project it onto our family and our friends unless we become aware and we start to be with this part of us. and that part of you that feels alone, that's the part of you you can begin connecting to, not trying to change them, not trying to fix them. This is where it might actually really benefit you to be very tolerant. You see?

Yeah.

That tolerant, that the tolerant, the you being very tolerant with a relationship that feels out of balance and you're just waiting around. You could be tolerant with this part of you that feels alone. And be present with them. And what are ways in your life that you could begin doing that?

Well, I have been like doing my gardening and spending time with the animals and just sitting by myself.

Beautiful. And now that this relationship— it sounds like there's more space in your life. Yeah, yeah, there's more space in your life for you to focus on you. And what I would encourage you is to bring that girl in with you, that little girl in with you. Feels alone.

Okay.

Yeah. How does that feel?

Um, hopeful.