Wounded Masculine and Feminine Polarity: This KILLS Attraction
In this 20‑minute self‑help video Aaron Doughty explains why many people lose sexual attraction when their internal masculine‑feminine polarity becomes wounded and depolarized. He first defines the divine masculine (direct, decisive, freedom‑seeking, grounded) and the divine feminine (relaxed, expressive, love‑seeking, intuitive) and notes that everyone carries both energies. Childhood experiences—especially with parents—can wound the leading energy, causing a person to over‑compensate with the opposite polarity (e.g., a wounded masculine becomes overly people‑pleasing, a wounded feminine becomes controlling). These wounds create a “nice‑guy” shadow, erode trust, and flatten the magnetic tension that normally draws the opposite polarity. Doughty distinguishes positive emotional tension (assertive, boundary‑setting, confident presence) from negative tension (conflict, aggression) and explains that the feminine is attracted to tension but often cannot tell the difference, leading to unhealthy dynamics. He then offers practical steps to heal and re‑polarize: becoming aware of one’s wounded pattern, embodying the natural leading energy through breathwork, stillness, decisive action, setting boundaries, expressing feelings even when uncomfortable, and engaging in feminine‑expressive activities (dance, relaxation) for the opposite side. He illustrates these ideas with personal anecdotes about his abusive step‑mom, his “nice‑guy” father, and a recent assertive call to an Airbnb host. The video concludes with a call to integrate these practices to restore attraction and personal growth.
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Every single one of us has both masculine and feminine energy inside of us, and one thing that happens quite often is growing up we have certain experiences as either a leading masculine person or a leading feminine person, and what happens is these experience then wound us and then cause us to in a way depolarize from our leading energy, and this results in many times maybe a loss in sexual attraction where people just aren't attracted to you as maybe they once were, or it causes you to be on the other side of the spectrum as far as polarity goes. So in this video, I'm going to show you how to become aware of this, how to become aware of these energies which exist inside of you, and then how to in a way repolarize yourself back to the way you naturally prefer to be at so that you start to create attraction in a new way and also so that you heal yourself at a very deep level. Welcome back to another video. My name is Aaron and I help people expand their consciousness by making spirituality both practical and relatable. Now in this video, I'm going to be explaining to you something I've been studying quite often lately, and that is understanding more about the masculine-feminine polarity that exists within every single one of us. And to be honest with you, these last probably year, year and a half, I've been healing my own inner masculine and feminine wounds that have come from growing up. And it is something that as I talk to more and more people, I'm able to see how common this is, both in the spiritual niche. We get a lot of guys sometimes that may be leading, maybe, maybe natural for them to lead with masculine energy, but becoming more spiritual and maybe going into healing, they then start to become more and more feminine. And on the other side of this, there may be some feminine, feminine people and leading feminine. I'm careful to say not just feminine woman or masculine man because we all have these energies within us and there may be times there are men that have more of a leading feminine energy and there may be women that have a leading masculine energy and there's nothing wrong with that, but the key to this is being aware of where your energy is and what is actually natural for you. So for example, something that can happen is that somebody that is normally a leading masculine person, which let me first off, before I even get into this, let me explain the difference between the energies inside of us because we all have masculine energy and we all have feminine energy inside of us. So masculine energy is direct. It leads, it is directional, it is stillness. It is deep breathing. It has a deep level of, of groundedness. It is decisive. It makes choices. It craves freedom. It wants to win. It plans. These are all divine masculine traits. Now, once again, you can have women that also maybe have a business or they focus and they have different aspects of their life where they find that they are the ones that maybe in relationship are leading, are the ones that make choices. It's very common. However, the other side of this is the divine feminine. Now the divine feminine wants to relax. The divine feminine expresses itself. The— there's a motion that is led by the divine feminine. The divine feminine wants to feel love, wants to feel nurtured. It craves love and safety, whereas the masculine craves freedom. The divine feminine is very connected to her intuition. And is also connected to movement. That's why dancing is a very feminine type activity. So these are different traits of both, and you want to, once again, you can have men that have this as a leading energy. And what attracts us to other people is what is called polarity. So polarity means that whatever side of the spectrum we are on, we are then going to attract the opposite of that. That's why normally what'll happen is you will see somebody that has the masculine energy that's making the choices or that craves the freedom, that is leading. And then you have the other one, doesn't always have to be the female or the male, it can go either way. And then the female, the feminine energy will be crave love and safety and expresses herself and is very emotional, whereas the masculine is more run by logic. Now here is something that happens as we grow up though. There are moments in our life when we may get wounded and call this the wounded masculine or the wounded feminine from certain experiences growing up, most often tied to our parents. Now, for example, what the wounded masculine looks like is the wounded masculine can cause and can result in somebody lacking trust. It can result in being controlling. Or in feeling closed off. Now this is what, so what's something I've noticed is it's common to either go in this direction and in this direction as well. It doesn't mean that if you have the leading feminine energy, this is what's wounded. It could be this side of it. For example, you may have naturally at your core a more feminine energy, but maybe your dad, very common thing, maybe your dad cheated on your mom. And then what happened is you started to lack the— lack trust in the masculine because the masculine role model in your life who could have been your father, you then thought you could trust him, but now you feel like you can't trust him. So what'll happen is maybe then you will lack trust in the masculine. So what happens in that case? Normally when somebody lacks trust in the masculine, you want to know what they're going to do? They're going to emulate more of that masculine energy. They're going to lead with it. Because they can't trust it in someone else. They need to then get it from themselves. They need to generate it from within, which then in a way depolarizes that feminine energy. And on the other side of this, this is something that I went through for a period of my life, and what I'm going through now is reintegrating myself and reconnecting to that leading energy. I have a very masculine leading energy, especially when it comes to my mission in life, with the way that I am in general. I'm very directional. I'm very focused. I have a lot of willpower. I crave freedom. Um, I'm quick to make choices and this is who I naturally am. But when I was growing up, I had— many of you know my story— I had an abusive ex-stepmom in my life from the ages of 7 to 15 years old. And during that time, my brother and I had literally no freedom. We craved, you know, probably craved freedom, but we had no freedom whatsoever. On the other side of this, in order for us to get by, we had to please our ex-stepmom. So what happened? The feminine role model in my life, because my real mom wasn't in the equation till 15 because we were in a way held back from being allowed to see her from my ex-stepmom. So the divine, the feminine, the woman in my life had a very masculine energy. But what happened is that then resulted in me feeling like I had to people-please, feeling unworthy, feeling like I lacked boundaries, feeling like I got value from, from being what is called a nice guy. And also the masculine role model in my life as my dad is such a nice guy, super nice, the nicest guy you'll ever meet. But the side effect of that is that then my dad is always getting walked on and he's, I think he's learning more so this now and how to, how to have more of those boundaries. But He definitely would get taken advantage of in those ways, and seeing that has caused me to be a rebel in some ways. But the other side of that is I was naturally used to seeing him try to please my ex-stepmom growing up, plus my brother and I had to please her in order to get by, in order to not step on any, you know, we're like walking on eggshells. So what I've had to learn to do is to go within myself to then heal the people pleaser mentality, to heal the indecisiveness or the lack of trust. Now it's a funny thing too, because I'd realize that in certain areas of my life, this would come out more than others. Maybe when I'm actually in relationship, I would notice this kind of fluctuating back and forth, but with my business, very masculine. So the other side of this in the feminine energy, what'll happen is if the feminine energy feels like it can't trust, and it feels like it needs to emphasize that masculine energy, then what'll happen sometimes is this polarity will begin to drop. This is when some people get into relationships and there's powerful polarity, and polarity means attraction. But then what may eventually happen is maybe they, the people, the people in the relationship start to do the inner work and maybe they're like, you know what, this isn't natural for me. I don't, Eventually what happens is if the masculine's in a certain way and the feminine starts to make the choices, the masculine then starts to feel powerless. So then it becomes this thing where the masculine has to try to reassert itself. And as the masculine tries to reassert itself, guess what happens? Then the polarity goes away because then you have two people that are both in masculine energy. So the other side of this, is that then if the masculine person is being very feminine, it doesn't allow the feminine to be in her feminine. This is really, and this is a game changer for all spirit, for many spiritual people listening to this right now, 'cause it's very common that I see. When it comes to masculine and feminine energy, the masculine wants to lead, wants to have direction, wants to provide, wants to help the feminine feel safe. The feminine wants to relax in the masculine's leading energy. The feminine wants to feel safe. This is a huge game changer when we realize this, because then what we can do, if we're, say, a masculine person at our core, what I mean is who you really are without the wounds, Then what can be realized is that if you're feeling a lack of polarity in your relationship or in your life in general, what you can begin to do is to embody more of that masculine energy and understand that our personalities are flexible. They're not set. You may have had a long period of your life where you've been a certain way, and maybe you realize now that that was like a shadow aspect that was playing itself out. When I see the people pleaser in me, that's not really who I am. I'm actually a very blunt and to-the-point person. That's who I am. And a lot of the people that know me will tell you that I'm very blunt. I say things sometimes without thinking, but I'm very grounded in just what I say, and I mean it. And what I've learned is that the people pleasing isn't me. Now, this is the key. If you find that, especially as a nice guy, for example, As a nice guy, women do not want a nice guy, or the feminine does not want a nice guy, because what a nice guy is saying, a nice guy is a shadow aspect of the masculine that thinks it's going to derive value from adding value and from doing whatever the feminine wants. It is in a way trying to exchange acts of service for some type of sex or some type of, validation or approval. Now the key to this is being aware of that shadow aspect and realizing that being a nice guy isn't actually fun and it doesn't have direction. It doesn't lead. It is being in that frame. So if your intention is to be in a masculine frame, realize you must be in your frame. You must be the star of your own movie. Remember the feminine energy. What the feminine energy wants is the feminine energy wants to relax in your frame as the masculine. That's deep down what the feminine wants. And if the feminine says no to that, then most likely the feminine has activated some of the masculine in them because what a woman, what the feminine really wants is the feminine really wants to relax in the safety to express herself and wants the man to lead. And when someone's being a nice guy, they're not leading. They're in their frame. They're trying to be the cameo in their movie. And on the same side of that, if a feminine is in her masculine, then what you'll find is that by, by embodying that, it doesn't allow the masculine to really be in the frame. It then causes the depolarization to where then the masculine will start to embody these traits. So the key to this is understanding that polarity. Now here's another thing that I've noticed about my own masculine and feminine polarity. Because of my ex-stepmom growing up who was emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive, any type of tension I would experience, I wanted to mitigate and dissolve. If I felt tension, I was like, oh, this is not good. So anytime there'd be tension in a relationship, I'd do whatever I could to fix it. But guess what? This is a game changer. This is something that has really— will help a lot of spiritual people listening to this right now, spiritual masculine energy especially. There's this idea called positive emotional tension and negative emotional tension. The feminine likes this tension. The feminine could say, no, I don't. Yeah, you do. If you are a feminine and have feminine energy, you like positive or negative emotional tension. You might just not know it. Now, what does that mean? The tension, think of that as the leading energy. The tension is the person that is leading, that is decisive, that makes choices, that may be a little bit polarizing. But tension is the thing that, that attracts the feminine because it shows boundaries. And that's why sometimes the feminine will test the masculine, because it will see if the masculine is really being authentic in the masculine leading energy. Now here's the thing, the feminine does not know the difference between the negative and the positive emotional tension. This is why many women will be with a guy way longer than she should, or when there's, when it's maybe abusive relationship because that tension creates that attraction and that sense of safetiness. Here's the thing, if a feminine is not experiencing positive or negative emotional tension, the woman will then create it and it will create it by then picking on the masculine. So it's a very interesting idea, but when I heard it, it changed the way that I saw this whole entire perspective because normally The nice guy part of me that would activate would be like, oh, there's some type of tension when I say something and the feminine then wants it to be, or wants to be some other way. I then try to fix it. And then the nice guy will do anything the nice guy can do to minimize the negative or positive emotional tension, which means it is doing anything it can to dissolve any sexual polarity. You see, this is a game changer. Now, positive emotional tension, there's negative emotional tension, which is not what I'm recommending. I'm just pointing out that women, or the feminine, is attracted to it as well, doesn't know the difference. But the positive emotional tension would be a man that is assertive, a masculine that is assertive, a masculine that is leading, that isn't afraid to be rejected, that is, that fills up his own cup, that doesn't need anything and is more in this state of, you know, desire, need is very different. But touching is a form of positive emotional tension. Telling, telling the feminine what to do, or, or, you know, not, not, not— there's of course the extreme of this. You can go on either side of it, but the true feminine really would like to be led by the masculine. So the key to this, of understanding how to— of understanding this feminine-masculine polarity is key. Now, how do we actually heal the wounds? Well, first off, we have to be aware of it. That's most of it. It's just simply becoming aware of it. When I became aware of the people-pleasing thing and that my dad's such a nice guy, I then was able to see how can I bring more of these characteristics, which are natural to who I really am, more into my life. So what I would find myself doing is finding more weight. Remember, the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So I didn't see how can I lead more in my life? How can I not— how can I be okay with that emotional tension? That was one of the main things of saying what— sometimes people would say things and I would think a certain way, but I wouldn't say it because I wanted to be accepted or people-pleased. And then I was like, you know what? How do you change that? You simply start to express yourself in that way and not— and be okay with that negative tension being there. An example of this would be, how did I begin to heal that? I began to take action and to be comfortable in that negative— in that type of tension, not negative attention, but just tension in general. For example, recently, um, I was at, uh, there was this Airbnb experience where I was in Sedona and there's an Airbnb I went to that didn't really look like the pictures, had very bad energy. And I had to make a call to the Airbnb guy to tell him, hey, I'm not gonna be staying at your house. I'm gonna find somewhere else. I don't like it. You know, he didn't really understand, but I was like, I just didn't like the vibes of it. Didn't wanna stay there for 3 days in quarantine. And it was an uncomfortable call to make. And I'd realized that in the past when I was in relationship, sometimes I would have the feminine make that call. Be like, yeah, I don't, or write the email. If there was something going on with an Airbnb or something like that. But I said, no, I'm going to take care of this and I'm gonna be okay in that tension. And I was, I was talking to him and I realized there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm expressing how I feel. This is what it is. There was really no argument anyways. The guy was butthurt that I didn't wanna stay at his house, but, or you know, in his Airbnb. But that was a way that I would mitigate that. Also, I would kind of just be more assertive in my own life. I would, you know, do deep breathing, practice stillness, being more decisive when I know what— when I'm in certain states that would allow me to then heal and then to in a way heal this part of myself, create more boundaries, realize I have worthiness for just being me. Now on the other side of this, when it comes to the feminine, the feminine right here, what could the feminine do if it feels wounded with the masculine? Well, what it could do is it could start to trust the masculine energy, to let go of trying to control and trying to do everything. The feminine energy could stop trying to plan everything out. It could start to surrender, maybe dance, maybe start to express herself in a new way, maybe start to do more feminine activities. Like dance or take a bath or relax, um, express the emotion. These are different ways that the feminine can then begin to tap into and heal if there's a masculine wound that's come from growing up in a certain way. But I'll tell you what, awareness is 90% of this process. The more aware of this you become, the more you then begin to heal, because then you have something You can't really go back once you become aware of it. Now, this masculine-feminine polarity is very important to understand. And once you begin to polarize yourself back, you may find that the relationship begins to merge and there's like this buffer period. I've had relationships before where I fell out of my masculine for a while and then fell back into it. Then when I fell back into it, then you got two masculine people and it's like, oh, that attraction starts to go away. But if you hold your frame, the most important thing in the divine masculine is holding your frame. Which means you're being, in a way, star of your own movie and you're leading. And when you begin to do that more and more, you will allow the feminine to relax in her— in the safety of that. And that makes a huge difference. On the other side of that, if you're a woman or a feminine energy listening to this, then what you can begin to do is to embody more of these aspects of yourself. And as you begin to dance, text, and, you know, get more in touch with your body, begin to feel more of your emotions, begin to allow the masculine to lead, and in this way you may find yourself that you begin to feel more sexy or to feel more feminine, and that then it begins to allow the masculine to be the way the masculine naturally wants to be. So this is, I found to be key to understanding this. A lot of the information I share in this video is a game changer in my own life, so I recommend looking into it and seeing how you can embody more and be aware. You'll fluctuate back and forth between these emotions even throughout your life, throughout your, through your, through your day even. I'm in my business for a certain period of time, then I relax for some times. We both have these, we all have these energies in us. The key is keeping that in a way gravity to the place you like it and not getting too comfortable in one side if it's not your leading energy. That makes all the difference. In the world. So with that being said, if you haven't already, go and subscribe below. Let me know what you think of this video. Let me know if you want me to make more videos on the masculine-feminine energy. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed it, and as always, I will see you in the next video. Peace, much love, and namaste.
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