Your love attachment style is blocking love (what's yours?)

This video right here is going to explain everything, literally everything to do with love and how you relate to either your partner, how you relate to love within yourself, and it's gonna make it crystal clear as to why things are the way they are. And in this video, I'm gonna go even beyond that. There's a book that is called Attached, very powerful book that explains a lot of what I'm gonna be talking about today, but one thing it didn't really do in my opinion is show the practical way to go about transforming the way the way that we feel attached to love and the way we— and the kind of people we attract in our life based on that attachment. So in this video, what I'm going to do is I'm not just going to show you and teach you the ideas from the book of the 3 different attachment styles, but I'm also going to show you step by step how to transform yourself from the inside out so that you start to either attract love into your life easier than ever, or you start attracting people into your life that are what are called more secure, meaning they— you are more secure. There's more of a loving depth to it, and understanding why every negative pattern within relationships that you've attracted in the past have come up and what you can do about it. Welcome back to another video. My name's Aaron and I help people expand their consciousness. Now in this video, I'm gonna be sharing with you the 3 different attachment styles, and this all comes from a book. I'll go ahead and post this book right here. And that book is called Attached. And it was a very powerful book. It explained so much. I feel like when I read the book, I understood why I was the way I was, why my ex-girlfriends in the past were the way they were, and then also what I could do within myself to transform myself from the inside out to, in a way, give myself the love that I craved growing up. If you've ever seen the Tony Robbins documentary, I'm Not Your Guru, Then you've seen Tony Robbins say like, whose love did you crave more growing up? Something like that. And then people go, I craved my mom's, my dad's love 'cause he didn't give it to me. And then there's like this huge intervention where she realizes that she's been attracting emotionally unavailable men because she had that experience when her dad left her when she was 7 or something like that. And that's the idea is that when we're a child, we have different levels of dependency that then go into— can you guys see this whole thing? Okay, just making sure— that then go into our way that we relate to love in our own life. And a lot of it has to do with child work, child work, child healing, like healing from the childhood wounds that we may have had. And that's why in this video, I'm not just gonna explain to you almost every relationship you've ever had and then it all clicks and just makes sense. It's like, oh, that's why things were that way. but I'm gonna show you what to do about it, how to transform practically from the inside out. And I don't necessarily agree that the kind of the mode of this book, which is actually, 'cause it's a great book that explains these 3 levels, it doesn't explain, it kind of says that, you know, your attachment style is your attachment style and that's it. Like, I'm sorry, you're an anxious, you're an avoidant, or you're a secure, or congratulations, you're a secure. And that's just that you're gonna continue to attract this in your life. And that the cure is to be around more secure people. No, I think, I know we can transform from the inside out and we can become more secure, holistic beings. That's what transformation, spirituality, like this is what this stuff is all about. It's doing the shadow work, doing the healing. And okay, let's just get into it though. So the 3 attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and secure. Now each one of these attachment styles is formed from when we were kids, when we were little babies, little niños running around, the way we related to our parents and the kind of energy that was in our life when we were kids had an effect on how we perceive of love and our relationship with love. Now, this is how it works with, there's 3 common, there's 3 types. The first one is anxious. The anxious attachment style pulls close, craves love. Now, the anxious is the person that when they were a kid, most likely their parent didn't give them their full attention or they weren't emotionally consistent. So the little boy, the little girl craved more love growing up. And what would happen is in order to get that love, that baby may have what is called protested, protest behavior. Protest behavior is where the baby may have cried. Now, of course, every baby does this at a certain level, but because maybe the parent was going through something growing up, what happened is the parent was less emotionally available. The baby would cry as a protest behavior to then get more of that attention and more of that love, but over consistency, they felt like there was that lack of love, therefore they craved it. So here's a couple questions to find out if you're in an anxious attachment style. 1, do you feel incomplete when you're single? 2, are you constantly afraid of your partner cheating on you? Next one, do you try to make your partner jealous to make him or her chase you? And then lastly, do you often feel or worry that your partner will stop loving you? Well, if so, congratulations, you have calibrated at the level of anxious. And what this means is that you didn't feel that sense of nurturing growing up, and therefore you may believe that you don't deserve love. So anxious people in relationships a lot of times will really crave that love. There are people that sometimes may give a lot of gifts, want to give gifts and really give that love, and in exchange they also want lots and lots and lots and lots of reassurance. They want to be constantly absolutely reassured that they are loved back. And a lot of, you know, they're afraid their partner will leave. They crave that love and they'll pull close. So the easy way to think about this is the anxious will pull close and craves love, craves nurturing because they may have not received that completely growing up. And their idea of protesting is what they do is they may, they may, they may act in a way that claims and demands more attention from the other person. They may, try to make that other person jealous. They may threaten to leave them. And all of this is to test them to see how much do they actually love me? And that's the anxious. So this is one level. Now let me, I'm gonna explain a couple, then I'm gonna explain the dynamics between them. The second one is avoidant. Avoidant pushes away and wants space. So the avoidant attachment style feels, and this is where, remember how the anxious didn't necessarily receive that nurturing or that emotional stability growing up? Many times the avoidant, what that means is that they didn't have a stable childhood love, which means a lot of times, and this is what I found to be true with avoidance as well, is they lost trust in one of their parents. They lost trust in feeling safe. So the avoidant doesn't feel safe and the anxious, the anxious more so, it's not so much that they don't feel safe, but they don't feel loved, so they crave that love. Fear of losing love, whereas the avoidant feels like there wasn't the stable childhood love, and that at some point, a lot of times I find that they, uh, they broke trust in their parent. They didn't— they don't feel safe, and because of that, they then begin to associate loving relationships with not being so safe. So you'll also notice that avoidants normally, they fear intimacy and sexual closeness. Sometimes they, they will They literally fear getting too close because that closeness to them represents the ability to be, that trust to be broken. Now, another common trait of the avoidant is that they're always looking for the one. So even when they're dating someone else, they may, and here's the thing, anxious and avoidant tend to, they attract each other. Avoidants don't attract other avoidants because they're pushing away. You got two people pushing away, they're just gonna get further and further away. The relationships normally that we see in the world are normally anxious to avoidant. The anxious wants to pull close, the avoidant wants the space and wants to pull away, but they're like magnets that attract each other. That's why I put magnets right here. Now, the thing to understand about this as well is what do, so the anxious is almost in a way attracted as well to the independence of the avoidant. And it's almost sometimes a challenge. And I think that because maybe one of their parents wasn't as consistent growing up, it's almost like this feels familiar. I'm gonna seek and crave the love that I didn't receive growing up. And then on the other side of that, the avoidant feels more comfortable and confident with an anxious than an avoidant, obviously, because the avoidant is just pushing away as well. But because there's a level of significance, it's like, oh, this person wants me. I feel, you get to get a little inflated, a little, they feel a little bit more worthy. So they may keep them around a little bit, but anytime things get a little bit too close, and remember, the anxious wants to be close, The avoidant wants to push away. The avoidant will want some space, will want time to think about things, will sexually push away, will sexually fear that intimacy and that closeness. And the anxious just wants to crave it, just wants to feel and feels very needy. Now secure is the good old side of this. The secure is they give and receive love easily, which means that their relationship with their parents growing up is that their parents gave and they gave them love consistently, they were able to give love and receive love. So when they're insecure, you're not afraid of getting close, but you're also independent. You're like the best qualities of each. And here's the thing, I believe that we can have access, we can be parts of both. So we could be anxious secure or avoidant secure, kind of like a slash secure because we're working on it. We doing the inner work. We don't wanna be anxious forever, attracting avoidant people or avoidant people attracting anxious people. So one of the important things to understand, I think, is the underlying childhood response that we had growing up and then focusing on that to heal it so that we don't continue to attract more and more of those patterns into our life. Let me see if there's anything else I want to say here. So the protest behavior of the anxious, remember the protest behavior, is excessive attempts to reestablish contact with someone, an ex. They normally have a very hard time of letting go of their ex. They wanna make their partners jealous. They may manipulate or threaten to leave, but they're only really threatening to leave to see if the avoidant seriously loves them at such a deep level. They're keeping score too. They're like, hey, I bought you this for Christmas or Hanukkah or your birthday, and all you did was give me this little thing. And it's like, that's keeping score. Now, on the other side of that, there's deactivating strategies of the avoidant. So the avoidant, this one's protest behavior, this one's deactivating behavior or deactivating strategy. Now, what the avoidant does is the avoidant has a behavior that diminishes the attraction or love for the other person. So one way that the avoidant will do this is they'll always have in mind the one, So even if the person they're with, they may have a deep connection with, in the mind they have this idea of, they either call it the phantom, the phantom ex, or they're looking for the one. They fear intimacy, but in the back of their mind they have this idea of what they want and that it's all gonna be perfect once they find the perfect person. But the issue is, is that anytime they get too close to someone, they start noticing the negatives. They start focusing on the things they don't necessarily like. Or they focus on, and then they find reasons to not be emotionally available. So the avoidant will almost talk themselves out of love and push away love, and the anxious craves it so much that it pushes away the avoidant. So it works on both sides of this. And what happens sometimes with the avoidant is that what they then do is they'll push away the love because it'll get too close. So after a certain period of time, they'll start focusing on the negatives, they'll push away that love, and then after they break up with that person, they'll find that they keep thinking about this person over and over again because they're not with them. And then what they do is they find that they're afraid of missing out on the one. So they're afraid to completely let go because maybe the ex was the one. Whereas the anxious breaks up with the avoidant or is not with the avoidant anymore. And normally the avoidant will break up with the anxious, by the way. The anxious is not with the avoidant anymore and may continue to have a trouble, hard time letting go control of the other person, but eventually the anxious does let go a lot. Normally, you know, this is all, this is all depending on our own energy as well, but the avoidant tends to kind of hold onto the idea. The avoidant likes the idea of all of this. So committing to a person, commitment is scary to the avoidant and the anxious doesn't think they're almost like they weren't nurtured. They don't feel that love. So they, they crave it. And the important part to understand this. Oh, the other avoidant deactivating behaviors, by the way, is leaving when the relationship is going well, having a hard time saying I love you, maybe not liking PDA or holding hands, falling in love with a person that is unavailable, keeping secrets, being unfaithful, and also avoiding sexual contact. These are all levels of avoidant. Now, secure is you're able to both express and give the other person what they want or need, be aware of that, but not be dependent And at the same time, you're able to be dependent because you know your own worth, you know your own love. And congratulations if you're secure. But if you're secure, you probably didn't click on this video or you didn't resonate with these two and you just good. You don't have to watch most of the rest of the video. I mean, you can if you want, but that's the idea. So here's the difference between learning about these books. By the way, another, another small thing that I noticed, I have videos on YouTube with over a million views. I'm not saying that to brag and like Sounds so cool. But there, if you go look, I have videos on stop chasing love and instead do this. Some of those videos, 2 or 3 of those videos have over a million views. Most of the people that viewed that video were anxious because they're used to needing or feeling and chasing love. And because of that, they, they, that video then shows them, hey, stop chasing love. Cause if you're chasing love, you mean you're not nurtured. You don't think you deserve love. And you're feeling needy and that's repelling other people. Now that's just this little side note there, but the key to this process is healing the childhood wound. So for the anxious, it is healing the childhood wound of not being nurtured or feeling consistent love. For the avoidant, it's having the not stable childhood love, having the broken trust with maybe one of your parents, but also maybe you were emotionally manipulated growing up. Emotionally manipulated. Maybe had one of the parents you had to please, and like that, that caused you to maybe not trust them. And then what happened is it's safer for you to be independent and to push away than it is for you to get close, because that intimacy, that closeness, something bad could happen. But then again, it's like you don't want it to go too far away because you're afraid of losing out on the one or that idea. So it's about looking at that childhood trauma and Which means many times, are you focused on reestablishing the trust with yourself? Are you, are you focused on nurturing the love within yourself and giving yourself that love? That's the difference between what I'm sharing here and what the book really talks about, because it kind of says, oh, the key is to find someone secure. No. And there's ways of— you can become a more secure person by becoming more whole and doing the inner transformation work. If you think that what happened in childhood is the way it's always going to be no matter what, then that is a fixed mindset. You can give yourself love and transform. Yes, maybe you can always remember back to the time when this happened in your past, but remember what quantum physics showing us is that the only moment that exists is this moment right now, and that as we change in the present moment, we're changing different pasts that we connect to. We can relate differently, and I'll tell you from my own experience, I've had relationships where I'm more anxious and I'm predominantly more anxious than avoidant because I think I craved that nurturing love growing up, but I've also been avoidant in certain relationships. So I think we can all slide back and forth and it— we're— our personality is more flexible than we think. Now let's share— let me share with you the steps to take. Now if you're an anxious, the steps that I believe you can take to really heal, and there's going to be a very powerful process that I recommend for both, for both no matter what you are, is to nurture yourself. Give yourself the emotions and become more independent. Fill up your own cup and focus on really giving, nurturing yourself more. I went through a yin phase like 3 months ago where I was going to the creek every day in Sedona and I was like doing things like massaging myself and, and, and doing, you know, I was eating, I was on a diet before that, like I was cutting and then I just let go and I was just like filling up my own cup, giving myself the feminine energy that I craved growing up that I don't feel like I received completely. And by doing that, I started to feel whole and complete. And then that allowed my masculine to more so step. It's funny how that feminine masculine polarity works, but it ended up healing in many different ways. And one of the ways you do this, you start to question your beliefs that you're not worthy. Question the things that happened when you were a child and realize they were just things that happened. And then secondly, for the avoidant, and then I'll give you guys all, anyone that's listening to us, a process that is so powerful. Avoidant, the key is to focus more on vulnerability and on trusting and feeling safe within yourself. Remember, everything's a reflection. So yes, we had certain childhood reference experiences that had us either pull close or push away, but the key is realizing that the, I mean, the cure is to the anxious is to more so understand independence. There's something to be learned from the avoidant, not necessarily the negative qualities. And the same thing for the anxious. The avoidant doesn't wanna learn how to be anxious, but the idea is how to get more intimate for the avoidant and how to become more independent for the anxious. So the avoidant would benefit from being more vulnerable with themselves, being more honest with themselves, being more vulnerable with family, starting to trust the own inner guidance system, trusting the flow of life, Trusting the masculine and the feminine within because we all have both masculine and feminine energy. And then what we do is the secure, this is what you do. You just do you, boo-boo. That's it. You good. And just to focus on, you know, being given and receiving love, doing that. You know, here's the funny thing. Most secure are, this is the idea that it talks about in the book. Most secure are taken. They're in long relationships. Avoidance, there's more avoidant people than anything else because avoidants like to be independent. They like to be single. And they're quick to like be with someone and not be with someone. They're always searching for the one, so they have such high standards and they turn down love because they're gonna find that one day. The anxious though, then is also, so the anxious is attracted to the avoidant, the avoidant does not attract other avoidants. The anxious can attract anxious, but sometimes that just becomes like this quick fling type thing. And then yeah, there's all three of these. I don't wanna get in the limiting beliefs that there's no secure out there, but the key is to become secure yourself. To attract somebody else's secure. So to do the inner work. Now, the most powerful process that I can share with you is to, I, to do what I believe is a childhood healing meditation. What you do is you do a meditation, and if you guys want me to create this, let me know, like my own version of it. But imagine, go back into your childhood and realize there's a little child inside of you right now that is still unhealed from your childhood. I look at myself, there was a version of me that craved love, that didn't feel nurtured, didn't have consistent love, felt like I didn't deserve love. And there's a version of Aaron that's maybe 4 years old. And if I go into meditation, I go to that Aaron that's 4 years old and I say, Aaron, it's okay. And I love that version of me. I give that version of me a hug and I tell him it's okay. And that meditation, I can literally have a dialogue and listen to that Aaron. And, and, and communicate and literally have this connection with it. And as I do so, and as I love that version of me, as I accept that version of me, as I listen to that version of me, guess what? I began to heal and I began to feel worthy, whole, and loved and complete. And then for the avoidant, it's the same thing. Go to that childhood self. Maybe you were 6 or 7 years old. A lot of avoidance, I think, may have come from having parents that were divorced because then they maybe didn't trust their parent or maybe they were emotionally manipulated. And that caused them to then associate intimacy and closeness with pain. But imagine going to your 7-year-old self when your parents divorced or something like that. I was like 5. And giving that version of you love and tell me, hey, it's okay, it's safe, you're okay. And listening to them and their fears and what they're worried about and get close with that child self. You see, this is the, this is the healing work that you can do. And as you do, you're healing your own inner child. We don't listen to our inner child enough and we don't give our inner child what they crave. If you'd give yourself the nurturing or the safety and the trust, you'll find that you begin to heal. And as you begin to heal, guess what? You're gonna attract more secure love into your life. You're gonna become more secure and you're gonna feel 100% worthy, whole, and complete. So if you want me to make that meditation, you let me know. Let me know what you guys thought of this video. Share this video because I think it can help so many people understand more about their relationships. And other than that, I love you all. Peace, much love, and namaste.