1. You're Not Crazy... This Really Happened

You're listening to the choose youe Podcast. Episode number one. Hey guys. I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. My goal for this episode is to give you the validation you need during this frightening and confusing time, as well as the basic understanding of what narcissistic personality disorder is and the damages they cause. Let's begin. He rushed straight to my heart at full strength and speed, magically manifesting as my soulmate. He made me feel completely supported, understood, loved and accepted like no one ever has. It felt like we've known each other forever. We quickly fell helplessly in love, building a relationship with each other's children and planning every detail of our forever. Then he slowly started chipping away at my heart and mind with chisels dipped in insanity as he spoke reassuring words of love with smile on his face. And once he twisted me into something I no longer recognized, he walked away and resumed his life with a new partner as if our relationship never happened. I wrote this early 2017, shortly after the discard by the narcissist with whom I was in a serious relationship. I actually documented the whole thing on my personal blog@ninjamomdiaries.com I've included the direct link in the show notes. I thought I was going crazy all by myself, but my story was not unique at all. I quickly learned that it was experienced by thousands of people around the globe. So I understand your pain, confusion and obsession. You're not alone. Narcissistic abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone from any economic, religious, or educational background. I'm a certified Life Strategist with a degree in Psychology and training in Mental and Behavioral Health studies. But my 20 plus years of education, experience and intuition in this field could not prepare me for my intimate relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, also referred to as npd. And let me tell you, this experience has to be the single most devastatingly painful, frustrating, and exhausting mind funkery I've ever been dragged through. NPD abuse has become more prevalent not because, as some people claim, victims are quick to blame someone else for the failed relationship, but because of the growing awareness. That being said, please keep in mind that what I share with you here is for information purposes based on research and personal experience. This podcast does not replace professional help. So, as you've already realized, narcissistic abuse is insidious. Most survivors report they weren't aware they were even in an abusive relationship, nor do they know what narcissistic abuse was prior to being ripped through the shredder. The scary truth is the narcissist has been demonstrating harmful behavior throughout your entire relationship, but due to several psychological manipulation tactics they utilized, you turned a blind eye or made excuses to even the most blaring signs. These tactics include intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, triangulation, projection, and gaslighting. I'll go into detail about these and more in upcoming episodes. And so your perfect love story quietly and violently mutates into the most frightening horror story where you find yourself alone, confused, desperate, and totally depleted. People with NPD lack emotional empathy and that everything they've appeared to have felt for you in the relationship was bait to get you hooked. However, their disorder does not change the fact that the feelings and connections you felt were totally genuine. You're mourning a real loss. But because narcissists don't have emotional empathy and unable to emotionally bond, you're the only one experiencing this breakup. That's what makes moving on so confusing and difficult. Healing from an NPD breakup is nothing like healing from a breakup between two healthy people. This is a breakup with someone whose only motivation is to obtain external approval and admiration to regulate his or her self esteem and validate their identity. Their identities depend on outside feedback. This is someone who's unable to emotionally bond with with anyone. Someone who's literally unable to see past their own needs. It's so painful because this behavior and logic is nearly impossible for people who don't have this disorder to wrap our brains around. The psychological term for this is cognitive dissonance, a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. For example, when we love someone and they love us back, there's a bond. It goes both ways and this is what we know. However, with a narcissist, the only bond is the one from us to them. So when they suddenly leave apart partner for another, there is no bond from their standpoint to break. It's pretty much like replacing a microwave you've had for years with a new one. This extreme clash between our reality and theirs is what makes it so difficult to deal with during the beginning stages of healing. I know during my own recovery, I felt like I was the one losing out. Like the narcissist always had the upper hand. But remember, those with NPD suffer from an inner void. This truth comes from people with NPD that I've interviewed as well as the person I was in a relationship with. They wake up in the morning feeling empty and miserable, needing something or someone to elevate their self esteem and worth. Their very identities depend on outside approval and admiration. This means they depended on you as well as others to feel whole. They have nothing on their own. And people with nothing do not have control over anything. Which is why narcs manipulate and devalue like they do. They can't have you realizing your true worth and power. They need you to keep believing that you are so far beneath them. You must keep trying to earn their love and attention and feel privileged getting scraps of attention that they throw your way to keep you hoping. Try to remember that how you feel about yourself because of the relationship is not the truth, but your mind is struggling to make sense of what was done to you. This is cognitive dissonance. You have everything the narc wants. I know it's kind of hard to believe at the moment, but you are the powerful, valuable one. I want to acknowledge a common reaction experienced by victims immediately after discard by the narcissist, which is disbelief, and it's completely understandable. For many of us, this was a dream come true relationship with their soulmate that abruptly ended, and the narc immediately moved on with a new partner as though nothing happened. You're left wondering if this is really happening. What the hell is going on? How can your soulmate suddenly be doing life with someone else, claiming that this new person is the love of their life as well as everything else they've been saying you until recently. And while you're trying to figure this all out in an effort to begin healing from what feels like the biggest loss you've ever experienced, your ex has moved on without even a period of mourning. It's as though your history together never happened. Almost like a parallel universe where someone else has been playing your role in the narc's life all along. Here's what's kept holding me back. At first, I loved him so much, shared everything of myself and cared for him with everything I am. I believed he loved and adored me like no one else has. So how can he suddenly take all that away and give it to someone else just like that? The reality is, although you truly loved, cared, and went all in, genuinely, the narc did not. Narcissists are not capable of feeling love like we do. So they simply act the part of your perfect partner, mirroring your emotions and interests, making you feel like they're ridiculously in tune with you. And because they're unable to experience love like a healthy person does, they cannot take take their love away. They had no love to give in the first place. The love in this relationship was completely one sided. The only bond was the one you had for your partner. See the narcissist role plays in order to get what they need from you. That's it. Isn't it crazy? I think it's just as sick as it is frightening. And no, the narc does not simply transfer his or her love and affection from you to someone else. There's nothing genuine about anything they do for another person. They're simply role playing with a new victim. Starting from the fairy tale beginning and deciding cycle continues. Another common phase victims experience is denial. Many who are trying to find their way through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse begin to question if their abuser could really be a narcissist. Maybe he or she is an exception. Perhaps they didn't exactly fit the characteristics of a typical narcissistic personality disorder. And maybe they'll eventually realize just how much you meant to them, feel remorse and come back. We'll answer these questions in detail in upcoming episodes, but for now I want to share this personal experience with you. You see, the narcissist who turned my life inside out appeared as a kind, handsome, fun, intelligent, spiritual, attentive, successful, charming, generous, considerate and passionate man who was fascinated and supportive about me and everything in my life. If I could create the perfect life partner without compromise, this man was it. He did not appear as the selfish, arrogant and egotistical monsters NPDs are characterized to be. At first, at least, now that I'm able to look back at his actions from a clear and healthy place, I realized there was nothing loving, protective, well meaning or healthy about him. I was dealing with someone who's unable to see past his own needs, constantly walking on eggshells, always trying to win back the attention and unconditional approval he gave me during the idealization and love bombing stage. I remember asking him why he acted like a robot. He couldn't put himself in another person's shoes, and he never seemed to be emotionally all in. Why are your stories always changing? I'd ask. Why don't you do what you say you're gonna do anymore? Why does it seem like you're trying to make me jealous? He'd respond with a chuckle. Your brain is playing tricks on you again baby. I also wanted to bring up the person I was involved with was previously married for over a decade and the ex wife with whom he had children didn't seem to show any symptoms of ABUs. However, their communication that he shared with me appeared almost abusive on her Part. Yes, text messages can be fake, but let's just assume it was authentic. Why would a selfish narcissist put up with shoddy treatment for an extended period of time? The biggest reason, as long as there's something in it for them, they'll tolerate the punches. For example, money from wealthy in laws or a high earning partner. Anticipated gain such as inheritance and potential business partnerships. Status from marrying a well connected person or someone who makes them look good. And remember, narcs are all about status, outward appearances. They'll tolerate what goes on behind closed doors in exchange for admiration from others. This is why arming yourself with the facts about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial to your sanity and healing. But this must be done without falling into the trap of information addiction. Get your facts and take action to heal and strengthen yourself. Before we continue, I want you to know that as excruciatingly painful and confusing as it is right now, recovery from narcissistic abuse is absolutely possible. Keep in mind that recovery time will be different for everyone, but with the right support, motivation and guidance, you'll begin to heal and eventually break free from this hellhole. If you feel like you're reaching the end of your rope, Please call the 24 hour National Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the 24 hour Crisis Text Line. By texting HELP to 741741, you can also go to your nearest emergency room. Regardless of your location. You're not crazy and you have the right to feel safe, sane and at peace. Okay, now I want to talk briefly about the differences between narcissistic traits versus Narcissistic Personality disorder. Narcissistic Traits People with narcissistic traits don't suffer from mental illnesses or personality disorders. They simply feel entitled to the best of everything and most interested in gaining power, money and prestige. But unlike those with npd, they have an overabundance of self esteem. Now, Narcissistic Personality disorder, or NPD is a personality disorder in which a person has an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others feelings and inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement. These individuals lack emotional empathy, resulting in the inability to feel genuine guilt or remorse. The emotional part of their brain is damaged. Narcs see others as merely an extension of themselves. You don't have thoughts or feelings of your own. Your only purpose is to serve their needs. When you were a young child, it was normal to behave as though the world revolved around you with little concern for the needs and desires of others. You also depended on your primary caregivers, like parents and grandparents, for feedback to let you know if you were being good or bad because you were learning to be your own human. Eventually you developed independence and grew into your own amazing person. You have your own thoughts and emotions about yourself and everything around you, and you understand other people are their own separate person with their own thoughts and feelings as well. Well, with narcissists, the becoming an individual part didn't happen. The emotional part of their brain was numbed out, most likely due to genetics or childhood trauma. So they grew up with an identity based on approval from people and things that exist only to revolve around them. And these people and things are referred to as sources of supply. Studies show narcissists have an emotional age of about six or seven years old. Of course, a clinical diagnosis of a personality disorder can be made only by qualified professionals. But identifying potentially dangerous people is not only for the experts. We all can be negatively affected when we allow these people into our lives, making awareness and prevention the most effective form of self protection. I'll discuss all the possible red flags, manipulation tactics and strategies to protect yourself from narcissists and other toxic people in future episodes. Now keep in mind, narcissistic abusers can be intimate relationships, parents and siblings, friends, co workers. But for now, let's touch on the NPD relationship. The devastating yet predictable pattern of a narcissistic relationship involves three idealization, devaluation, and discard. The unsettling thing about all this is it's not necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship, but in natural course, the narcissistic personality follows. Yeah, this is natural behavior for the NPD because it's how their brains are wired. Narcs lack emotional empathy. They're unable to emotionally bond or relate to another person. No matter how kind and loving and patient you are, no one is special enough to change them because this is how their brains are wired. They see you nothing more than an object to fill their need for approval and admiration. And when they're done, they leave without feeling guilt because they do not emotionally bond with anyone. This is one of my favorite examples of how a narc approaches intimate relationships. Lets say you have this coffee maker you love, your amazing and reliable machine, your morning bff. It makes a delicious cup of coffee every morning to start your day off right. One day your coffee maker breaks so you go to the store and buy another one just like it, or one with a few more features, or even one that's on clearance because it's what you can afford at the time. You throw out your old coffee maker and plug in the new one and voila. Coffee. Without skipping a beat. Do you miss your old coffee maker? No. Because one, you don't have an emotional bond to it, and two, you have a new coffee maker that does exactly what it's supposed to do. Same thing with NPD relationships. We're objects that serve a purpose to supply them with adoration, acceptance and approval. The stuff narcs depend on to gauge their self worth and value. That is our purpose for the narcissist. But once we begin to show some defects, such as questioning their behavior, standing up for ourselves, etc. They quickly look for a new object that will do what it's supposed to do. So it's technically not personal. This entire relationship is not personal because it's based on illusion. A fantasy manufactured by the narc. You played a role in that fantasy relationship and that's it. The narcissist never actually saw you as your own thinking and feeling person. We were like objects that was supposed to serve a purpose the narcissist assigned to us. Alright, so to close this up, let me repeat. You are not crazy. You unknowingly fell in love with and completely trusted a person with narcissistic personality disorder. One that leaves a person unable to truly bond with another due to the lack of emotional empathy. This disordered person used narcissistic manipulation tactics to make you addicted and dependent on them for love and approval. You have the right to recover your whole healthy self and the right to feel safe, sane and happy. You can heal and break free so the narcissists no longer have power over you, making them totally irrelevant. Let's do this together, okay? I hope I was able to give you some of the validation you need during this painful and confusing time, as well as the basic understanding of what narcissistic personality disorder is and the damages they cause. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God bless.