8. Strong Boundaries to Protect You and Prevent Future Attacks

You're listening to the choose youe Podcast. Episode number eight. Hey guys. I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. In this episode, I'll explain how to set strong boundaries as well as how to consistently enforce them, especially during your journey to recovery. Let's begin. On the last episode, we started discussing what personal boundaries are and why it's so important to have and enforce them. Now, when we think of the word boundaries, we usually imagine a border or something that divides. And that's pretty much what a personal boundary is. It's what separates who we are and what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others. And boundaries are the limits we set with other people indicating what we will or will not accept in their behavior towards us. These are things we instinctively say no to as they defend us from being violated by others. Our boundaries generally comes from a healthy sense of self worth. This is how you value yourself, not based on what other people expect, think or feel about you. And they can look like. Physical worth and boundaries includes your right to your own space. Emotional worth and boundaries includes your right to your own feelings. Your intellectual worth and boundaries are your rights to your own thoughts and opinions. Your. Your social worth and boundaries are the right to your own friends and activities. And finally, you have your spiritual worth and boundaries, including your right to your own spiritual beliefs. Those who have set and enforced strong boundaries are able to effectively protect themselves from other people's behavior that might otherwise compromise their mental and emotional well being. See, without clear boundaries, others won't know how to appropriately behave around you. And when it comes to dealing with narcissists and other unhealthy people, without clear boundaries, you'll. You'll very likely allow them to remain in your space longer than they need to be there. Now, I'm often asked, why is it that some people seem to naturally possess strong boundaries, while others are just realizing later in life that they don't even have boundaries to begin with? This is because majority of our social learning comes from modeling behavior. So if we didn't have strong role models early on in our life whose behavior we can imitate, we we're often left in the dark. Let me give you some real life examples that many narc abuse survivors are able to relate to. My client Sarah, made it a point to always be the nice girl. Starting from a very young age, she received positive feedback for pleasing others and putting other people's needs before her own. And she's always based her self worth on that, and it's not her fault. This is how she was conditioned. Now, while kindness and compassion are wonderful qualities, happily becoming a doormat in order to cater to other people people's needs is unhealthy. And at 34, Sarah couldn't understand why her family constantly intruded on her personal space or why her co workers were always dumping extra work on her and why the men she dated seemed to always eventually take her for granted. Another client, Isabel, spent a good part of her childhood in a dysfunctional environment. Her father was constantly chasing other women, while her mother was so deep in marital misery that she focused only on making herself happy in order to survive. As children, we just want to feel that our parents love and accept us. So this motivated Isabel to invest all her energy into one, getting attention from dad because she felt she was in constant competition with the women he was pursuing that getting even little scraps of his attention fed her self worth. And 2 because her self worth was also tied to being able to make her struggling mother smile. Pleasing her mom became a priority while her own needs were put on the back burner. Now, at 28, Isabel was unable to see that her self worth was completely dependent on putting the needs of everyone else above her own because she was unable to recognize her need to take care of her own well being. Interesting thing is, both Sarah and Isabel logically knew the difference between behavior that respects an individual's personal space and a disrespectful one. Yet they lack boundaries of their own. And this is important. Many of us know what we will or won't allow to be done to us and yet find ourselves in damaging situations such as narcissistic relationships. This is because there's a difference between knowing our boundaries versus setting and enforcing them. In order for boundaries to actually do what they're meant to do, you must define your rules and consistently enforce them. And if you're not accustomed to defending your boundaries, you'll have to consciously and intentionally practice this at first, as it's a skill that needs to be Learned. Here are four steps to begin setting your boundaries. 1. Know your limits. Clearly define what your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual boundaries are with family, friends, intimate partners, co workers, and even strangers. Think back to past experiences where you felt discomfort, anger, resentment or frustration with an individual. This usually happens because your limits had been crossed. Then create a boundary chart outlining each boundary for each relationship type and fill it in with the rule that must be kept in order for you to feel comfortable and safe. So for example, I will not tolerate being yelled at by family, friends, intimate partners, co workers, and strangers. If this happens, I will give one warning stating that if this behavior continues, I'm hanging up or walking up. If after my warning, the behavior continues, I will follow through by hanging up or walking out. So by creating this chart, you have a standard to refer back to when someone may be overstepping your boundaries. This chart is especially helpful while you're recovering from narcissistic abuse. You're still vulnerable to false impressions while your head and heart are trying to get on the same page. So don't make excuses for any behavior that breaks your boundaries. Trust your boundary chart to keep yourself safe. I've included the links to my free boundaries worksheet on the show. Notes 2 Enforce your boundaries. Creating boundaries is the first step, but it must be followed through. And the only way to communicate to others that they've overstepped your boundaries is to be direct. I know this can be very scary at first, so start with smaller tasks like messages from unwanted romantic suitors. Explain that you're not interested in an as a matter of fact manner. Don't apologize, and don't be emotional. If the waiter got your order wrong, politely ask him for your correct order. Or if a friend did something to hurt you, ask them to meet you for lunch and calmly explain why their words or actions hurt you. Three Practice, practice, practice. If you're not used to defending your boundaries, you might be afraid others will perceive you as mean or rude. But remember, enforcing your boundaries means you respect and value yourself. This is how you maintain self respect and inner peace. Not informing someone that they have overstepped your boundaries leads to resentment on your end and confusion on theirs. You're actually practicing kindness and respect for yourself as well as others by learning how to effectively communicate your boundaries. 4. If anyone reacts with anger, hostility, and complete disregard to your boundaries, it's time to walk away. If you have made it clear to another person that he or she is not respecting your boundaries and they continue to disrespect your requests anyway, it is absolutely acceptable to seize engagement with individuals who prove they can not honor you and your space, walk away. Stop responding. I use the two strikes in your out method where if an individual whom I've clearly communicated my needs to disrespects my personal rules twice, they're no longer welcome in my space. First time could have been a fluke. We all make bad choices every once in a while, but if it happens the second time, what they've done is communicate to me that they've intentionally made a choice to disrespect me, and that's not okay. I Unlike baseball, there's no third strike because by then you would have sent a message to the offender and to yourself that you're willing to tolerate this behavior. If someone shows you who they are and shows you again to confirm it, believe them again. Enforcing your boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first, like you're being mean and unforgiving. But don't forget that while it's important to be kind to others, you should never neglect being kind and respectful to yourself. Besides, how can you be there for the important people in your life if you don't protect the space you need in order to function at your best? Your life is yours and no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own space. I hope I was able to clearly explain how to set strong boundaries and why it's necessary to consistently enforce them. Establishing and maintaining healthy personal boundaries allow you to show up as your very best in life feeling confident and emotionally empowered. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.