11. The Narcissistic Mother

You're listening to the choose youe podcast, episode number 11. Hey guys. I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. On this episode, I'll discuss one of the most frightening of all personalities, the narcissistic mother. Let's begin. Alright, I'll be going into depth about the narcissistic mother, the scariest and most harmful of all personalities. I want to stress that I strongly recommend working with a professional and knowledgeable therapist, counselor or coach to help you effectively progress through your healing and recovery, especially if you're working through childhood trauma. You might also want to pace yourself when listening to this episode because while validation is both reassuring and empowering, some of the client accounts included may trigger thoughts and emotions from past events in your own life. So please don't feel you have to absorb all this in one sitting, okay? So, unlike other narcissistic personalities who react without really thinking about the consequences because they're just so focused on defending their false images and extracting narcissistic supply, narcissistic mothers are frighteningly calculated and intentional with their abuse. My friends, this is where it all starts. They contaminate their defenseless children who trust and depend on their mothers for love, attention, validation, guidance and protection. You see, we first learn about ourselves and the world around us through our interactions with our mothers. We establish our sense of self worth from how she nurtures, cares for and protects us from harm. We learn that we have value by her empathy in response to our feelings, wants and needs. Our mothers are the foundation of how we grow as an individual and how we integrate ourselves into the world. However, if this important foundation is contaminated with emotional, verbal and even physical abuse, it's very possible the child will grow into an adult with a heightened risk for anxiety, depression, self doubt, low self esteem, lack of self worth and self loathing. Because while a healthy mother protects her child early on from harm and danger of the outside world, the narcissistic mother is the source of fear for her children and distorts the child's self perception. Instead of being given the knowledge and tools to build and maintain a healthy self esteem, children of narcissistic mothers have seeds of doubt and low self worth planted deep into their being. While a healthy mother embraces her child with unconditional love and acceptance to provide confidence and a safe space to discover and grow into who they are, the narcissistic mother gives performance driven conditional love only for stakes to be raised even higher without the rewards being given this creates a persistent sense of anxiety, self doubt and distrust. Now, narcissistic mothers abuse their children in several ways, and here are nine common examples I wanted to acknowledge. The first is the mother of all narcissistic abuse tactics. Invalidation. Your mother says or does something to hurt your feelings, and when you try to talk to her about how it's affected you, she answers with a sarcastic oh poor you, did I hurt your little feelings? Or an accusation that you're being oversensitive as usual. And even a response similar to it doesn't bother anyone else, so why should it bother you? At times your feelings are completely dismissed with oh honey, you know that didn't happen. And when others compliment you for having beautiful qualities such as being kind, smart, selfless and helpful, your mother quietly whispers, oh, you sure fooled them. Or that's because they don't know how you really are. When my client Juliet, first discovered that her husband of 12 years was having an affair, she was understandably devastated and turned to her mother for support. But the first thing her mother asked was what did you do to make him cheat on you? During the first several days after the discovery, Juliet would randomly burst into tears, which is a very understandable reaction. But instead of offering love, compassion and support, her mother repeatedly demanded, stop making everyone around you so miserable. Tanya, a 28 year old single mom, told me I was overweight as a teenager and as you can imagine, very self conscious about it. So much that I would avoid social events altogether. But my family gatherings were the most dreadful. My parents would guilt trick me to join in when the relatives flew in for visits and without fail, some way, somehow, my mother always managed to take jabs at my weight and appearance in front of everyone. My dad, who I now identify as an enabler, would join in just to get on my mother's good side. I would either begin to tear up right on the spot or walk out of the room to avoid making a scene and mom would call after me and say as she laughed, why do you always have to be so dramatic? Lori, a 40 year old mom of two girls, recalls, I remember being at a family gathering when I was about 6 or 7. I fell down and skinned my knee and the grandpa of the house told me he had band aids. I went with him to the bathroom set on the toilet and he placed two band aids on my knee. But then he started sliding his hand up my legs and I immediately shouted ew. And ran out. When we got home I told my mother about it and she laughed it off with oh that's nothing. He was only joking. You didn't have to say ew and make him feel bad. Lori continued to recall I was sexually violated in high school by a family friend my mother was so fond of. When I confided in her about it, mom immediately defended the boy who did it, accusing me of tempting him. She even instructed my siblings to ignore me if I badmouthed Joe who did it, because Joe is such a nice boy and your sister doesn't know what she's talking about. I didn't tell many people because how can I expect anyone to be on my corner if my own mother turned her back on me? But rumors spread, and I later discovered that my own mother actually apologized to Joe's mother for any inconveniences I caused. Years later, it happened again by one of the dads at the group camping trip I accompanied my daughters to. As it was happening, I managed to text, help me, I don't know what to do to one of the parents there. And the response was, are you serious? I don't think I should get involved. Other than a few people who I thought I could trust, I said nothing again. I wasn't even sure if what happened was really that bad. But one person I confided in told me not to make a big deal and just pretend it never happened. Another asked me to stop confiding in her about it because she just doesn't want to be involved any further. The third told me she doesn't do drama, and if her family isn't involved, she wants nothing to do with it. I was completely alone again. What confuses me is I see women go up in arms over just inappropriate comments, and women from across the nation comes to their defense. But when people physically and sexually violate me, I'm invalidated, silenced, and dismissed. Narcissistic mothers are masters of invalidation. As far as they're concerned. You're allowed to only have the emotional responses that are acceptable to them. They dismiss your feelings in order to treat you however they want. It's a setup to manipulate the situation and dictate what you can and cannot feel. You know where this leaves you? Unable to clearly identify your own emotions, you'll constantly question what you're feeling and if it's even appropriate to be feeling that way about whatever is going on. For example, if you're unable to trust your feeling of fear, how do you know if you're in danger? And how can you do what's needed to protect yourself? As in Laurie's case, this doubt leaves you open to even more abuse 2 shame and fault finding. You've finally earned the grades she's been demanding from you and her response? You think doing this just once is impressive. Or perhaps you've carefully picked out a gift for her, hoping you got it right this time, and she barely glances at it as she says, I already have that. Or maybe an obviously dissatisfied how nice. If anything at all, your narcissistic mother manages to always find fault in you. But even when you make the changes and improvements, you hardly get an acknowledgement, always leaving you to question, why can't I ever be good enough? Ashley, a former beauty pageant winner, confessed, I never enjoyed attending those events. This whole beauty queen thing isn't really my thing. But I did it because mom seemed so enthusiastic about it and I was hoping it bring us closer. But when I won my first pageant, Mom's reaction confused me. She said, congratulations dear, but it's a shame you couldn't lose a little more weight. The camera adds 10 pounds. You know you're lucky everyone looked past that and gave you the crown anyway. Nicole, a 28 year old single mom with a very successful salon business, told me, my mom always brings up the fact that I failed her because I didn't graduate from college in four years. It took me a few extra years to complete my business degree due to my divorce, but I did it and now I have a great business and able to provide for my daughter and myself. Ironically, she constantly sings praises about my sister to anyone who would listen because my sister graduated on time and is now a stay at home mom with a husband who provides for her. I'm so confused. Why is it impressive to finish college on time and not use it at all while graduating a few years later and using it to start a great business is considered embarrassing? I don't know what more I can do to make my mom proud of me. The narcissistic mother uses shame to make certain that her children never develop a stable sense of identity or self esteem. They block their child's growth as an independent individual, trapping the child so they'll constantly need her validation and approval. We all need validation, especially during early childhood and as young adults. But a narcissistic mother has always and will continue to provoke self doubt and inadequacy no matter what you achieve. Number three Triangulation and comparison of siblings and their peers. The narcissistic mother stirs up drama and competition between two or more siblings against one another, usually by speaking ill about one to the other or pulling the classic why can't you be more like your brother? And even no one asked you to the dance. That's strange. Your sister had so many boys competing to be chosen as her date. This is a setup to plant seeds of anxiety and tension among the children about each other, so they'll always compete for the mother's love, approval and attention. In many families, the narcissistic mother will make one sibling the golden child who reflects well on the mother while making the other a scapegoat. This is usually the child that stands up to the mother's horrible behavior and defend those she treats unfairly. I'll go into detail about the dynamics between the golden child and scapegoat in another episode. Sadly, while siblings from healthy families grow into the strongest of allies, many siblings with a narcissistic mother become estranged. The narcissistic mother will also compare her children to their peers, making it clear that they'll always fall short in her eyes. Children are often left wondering, why does she love and appreciate other people's kids more than she does her own? Emily, a 26 year old top producing real estate agent, told me, I don't understand why I could never do enough to impress my mother. I was reaching my wit's end, so I decided to do something different. See, my mother always bragged about her friend's daughter Amy, and Amy recently purchased a two bedroom condo. My mom was ecstatic talking about how great the place was and how impressive Amy is. So I purchased a two bedroom condo of my own in an upscale neighborhood with highest standards of amenities. I even decorated my place with the best furniture and appliances. I thought I'd regret doing this, but I'm now convinced this is my dream home. However, when I invited my mom to my new place, the first thing she said was, why a condo? Don't you know that a single family home has better resale value? You're a real estate agent and you don't even know that? I asked, why can't you just be proud of me like you were about Amy? Her response? Honey, you're not Amy. Liz, the oldest of four daughters and a working single mom, confessed, I'm beginning to feel resentment towards one of my sisters, Anna. It feels like my mom constantly uses her to outdo me. For example, when someone compliments me for being a wonderful mother to my own child, my mother immediately responds with, well, my other daughter, Anna, doesn't even have to work because her husband earns a good income, so she's able to give so much more attention to her kids and just recently a relative I haven't seen in ages was telling me how I've grown to be so pretty. And of course my mom comes rushing in to say, oh, but remember Anna? She's thinner and her hair is much healthier. Bethany, a graduate student who currently lives with her mother and has a golden child sister in Colorado, told me I once introduced myself to my mother's friend at a party and much to my dismay, her friend said with a look of confusion, I've heard stories about your sister in Colorado, but your mom never told me she had a daughter here. This form of abuse leaves children of narcissistic mothers constantly comparing themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self worth. It also teaches them to treat with contempt those who do not meet their standards and preferences, as well as to withhold feeling any form of happiness towards others who succeed because they've been conditioned to believe that when something good happens to someone else, it takes away that same amount of goodness from their own lives. 4 the child's thoughts and feelings must always Align with a mother's it's important for me to make this clear. While a narcissistic mother projects her own fears, dreams, plans and everything else to her child, it's also natural for a healthy mother to project those same things onto her child. I mean, this is your very own little human and moms fantasize about how amazing their child will grow into my baby's going to change the world. However, the difference is the healthy mother eventually releases her projections so her child has the space he or she needs to figure out for themselves who they are and how they fit into this world. The narcissistic mother does not. Her child is an extension of her and must always reflect well on her. Because a narcissistic mother sees her child as a mere extension of herself, even their thoughts and emotions must always align with hers at all time. My client Zoe recently told me, mom came by and showed me a photo of my Aunt Leslie, who currently lives overseas. She and Aunt Leslie has had a rocky history for as long as I can remember. Anyway, she asked me, look at this photo of Leslie. Do you notice anything about her face? I looked and answered, not really. Mom continued, no, no. Look closely at her face. Doesn't she look strange? I replied, no, but she looks really happy. Mom then responded with an annoyed tone, never mind, you don't know anything. Simon, a father of two teenagers shared, my mother recently told me that I needed to secretly monitor my kids Internet activities because she heard there are websites that motivate children to become criminals. Let me tell you, I find that absurd. I told her I occasionally do random checks on what they've been doing online, but I don't feel the need to sneak around like that. Besides, websites alone won't transform responsible kids with strong values into criminals. Mom immediately blew up and said, why is it so hard to talk to you? Why can't you just agree and do what I say? You always did enjoy disagreeing with me. I calmly answered, mom, I'm their father and I trust how I've been raising my kids. A few websites won't wipe out everything they've learned. They're responsible kids who constantly demonstrate their honesty. Mom snapped back, you have responsible kids? That's a laugh. Look at how you disrespect your own mother and you think you have the ability to raise good kids. You're delusional. Number five competes with her children, especially her daughters. Regardless of what you've achieved, your mother has achieved more. Whatever challenges you're struggling through, your mother's struggles overshadow yours. She refuses to acknowledge, accept and appreciate you as your own person because you're simply an object she uses as a stepstool to make herself feel superior. As for her daughter, the narcissistic mother may criticize her appearance, shames her for her body, and even try to win over her daughter's male friends to demonstrate her superiority and desirability. Lisa, a 35 year old social worker, shared, I was recently asked to lead a large women's recovery group at my church. When my mother found out, her response was, you know, people at my church always turns to me for support and many of them believe I'm a living saint. Another client, Maria, told me it was gross. Around the time I was still in high school or college, I'd sometimes have my friends over and mom would always make an appearance wearing a revealing outfit and flirt with the guys. It was embarrassing. I told my mom how uncomfortable that made me and she just said, oh honey, how many times do I have to tell you jealousy is not attractive. Number six Supermom in the public eye. Terror behind closed doors, admired by everyone in her personal and professional circles. She has her life together with an enviable marriage, perfect children and great career. She's the always understanding and supportive aunt, friend and neighbor, never failing to give back to the community that consistently supports her. But no one, no one will believe you if you told them about the mom you know, the self centered, easily angered, dismissive, invalidating, manipulative, malicious, and the Always right? Narcissistic mother. Tonya, a coaching client, shared with me, I have a mother, but I don't. Does that make sense? When I told her about the lump in my breast and how afraid I was to get it looked at, she demanded I keep it to myself and stop looking for attention. Or when I wanted to share the good news of my big promotion, she couldn't even take her eyes off the TV for a minute. She insisted I can watch TV and listen to you at the same time. So I told her all about how it happened and nothing. I asked mom, were you listening to anything I just shared? And she completely ignored me. She even started laughing at the show she was watching. But every time I meet my mother's friends and their families, I always hear about what a wonderful person she is, what a rock she has been during their most difficult times, and their biggest supporter when celebrating their achievements. I can't help but wonder what is so bad about me that she can't provide me with the same acceptance, support and love that she freely gives to everyone else? Why do they get the mom that I so desperately want and need? Shelley, a 22 year old college student suffering from severe anxiety, told me I have a horrible relationship with my mother. I've always earned top grades at school, while my mom enjoyed being recognized as the super mom with the academically advanced daughter. Honestly, I know she thrives from it and believes we're entitled to special treatment because of this. And I resent her for using me to supply her identity instead of being her own person and getting her own life. Anyway, now I don't know how to properly cope with stress. When I was a child, if I couldn't finish a class project on time, mom would always swoop in to complete it or completely redo it if she didn't think it was up to her standards. But she would aggressively push me to move past everyone else in my age group. And of course, of course she's always there to pick up the slack when I'm not able to handle it. By the time I was in high school, I would wait until the last minute to even begin a big assignment because I knew mom would help me get it done. I mean, if I didn't, she would look bad, right? You know, she should have just gone to school for me. But now I constantly feel anxious, stressed out, and like a big fat fraud because I freak out over the smallest of pressures I'm faced with. I can't make myself accountable for my own responsibilities. And when I set a goal for myself, I never see it through because I feel so detached from what I need to do. I really hate her for what she made me into. Colleen, a graduate student, recalls during high school and my undergraduate years, I consistently placed at the top of my class, win first place for academic and music competitions, and people made a big deal of how pretty they thought I was. Of course, mom was always standing right there beaming, humbly telling everyone how proud I always make her and how lucky she is for having such a beautiful and hard working daughter. But that woman doesn't exist at home. At home she constantly tells me how lazy and stupid I am while putting pressure on me to sit at the top of my class. You better not drop down to the average level like all those other average kids and insist that first place is the only winner, making it very clear that there will be hell to pay if I even came home with a second place from a competition. Don't you dare disappoint me after all I've done to help you. On top of that, she always tells me how ugly I really am and that nobody can see it except for her. William, a 32 year old father and husband, told me My mother always bragged about how well she can cook, sharing recipes and suggestions on how to make just about anything anyone could ever think of. Even better, she would prepare the best dishes to bring to parties and get togethers. But strangely, at home we got instant food and delivery that we ordered ourselves while mom locked herself in a room to watch tv. At one time I saw steaks in the freezer and I got excited. Mom's finally gonna make us something awesome like she does for everyone else. But when I asked her about them, she barked, don't you dare touch those. I'm making something for a potluck at church. I've always wondered why her own family was never worth sharing her best with with. Image and status is everything to the narcissistic mother, and the false image she has created for the public eye is one that would make all your friends envy you for being her child. She's sweet, selfless, fun, loving, supportive, nurturing, hardworking and charitable. But you know her secret? That she looks at everyone with contempt, gossiping about the very same people she welcomes with a gentle smile and open arms. She rarely cooks for the family or cleans the house. This is how things really are. But that's none of her concern because there's no one to impress behind closed doors anyway. Number seven forces her children to walk on eggshells. You have no idea what will set her off. You've tried your best to take note of what would throw your mother into a rage, but her erratic behavior is completely based on her mood at that particular time, so it's never consistent. Gavin, a 32 year old father of young boys, shared My mom randomly flies off the handle about the most trivial things. For example, every Saturday afternoon I pick up some grilled chicken and sides and the boys and I take it to her house to spend some time with her. We've been doing this for a couple years now, so I guess you can say it's become a Saturday tradition. But last Saturday as we were eating, talking and enjoying each other's company, I noticed mom wasn't saying much. I asked if everything was alright and she yelled no, I hate this chicken. You know, Carol's son treated her to the new Greek restaurant last week. Why can't you ever do something nice like that for me? I told her we've had this Saturday tradition since the boys were born and you seem to always enjoy it. And how was I supposed to know you hated chicken so much or that you wanted to go out to an expensive restaurant instead? If you don't tell me, mom answered, this is not a tradition. It's lazy and stupid and I've tried to be patient and kept it to myself for as long as I can, hoping you'll come to your senses, but I will not put up with this inconsiderate treatment anymore. She hasn't spoken to me since. I don't know where all that came from. 24 year old Janelle recently told me my mom is psycho, but we've been getting along surprisingly well the last two weeks so I decided to take her out for a nice dinner. We chatted as we enjoyed the most delicious meal and afterwards I asked if she wanted to look at the dessert menu. She answered oh no, no no, I am so full. So we finished up and I drove her home the next day. However, she kept declining my calls and ignoring my texts. She finally told me she's furious at me for not insisting she should order dessert. I reminded her that I asked if she wanted to look at the dessert menu, but she insisted that I was being cheap and in a rush to get home. But the day after that she called in her usual tone and asked when we were getting together for dinner again because she had such a lovely time. Huh? What kind of crazy game is this? The narcissistic mother is emotionally and mentally fragile and as such she needs constant validation of her sense of importance and superiority. Her emotions are like a never ending psychological rollercoaster. At any given moment she can burst into a full blown rage because you failed to meet her demands that she never told you about but you should have known already and the next moment she's love bombing you because she needs something. There's little or no consistency in the narcissistic mother's household. Her children walk on eggshells every day fearing their mother's rage. Number eight, Boundary breaking. Because the narcissistic mother views her children as extensions of herself and not independent humans, these mothers feel entitled to disregard her children's basic needs for privacy and autonomy and keeps her children in a state of perpetual childhood. Narcissistic mothers may also become so enmeshed with her children that she engages in covert emotional incest where she makes her children responsible for fulfilling her emotional needs and expectations. Julia, a successful, successful marketing executive told me when I was in college and living at home, my mom would regularly barge into my room without warning, demanding to know everything I've been doing. Even after I say, mom please, I'm studying for my finals, I need to focus. She would begin her ranting and raging, accusing me of secretly communicating inappropriately with boys and even looking at porn. She'd refuse to let me go back to studying until I gave her access to my email account and browser history. And to top it off, she punished me for not getting better grades. Tricia, a recent college graduate, recalls, back in middle school, I received a diary with one of those tiny lock and keys for Christmas from my cousin. I started writing in it, recording events of my days and writing about a boy I secretly had a crush on. When I took my diary out one night, the entire cover was ripped open because someone couldn't figure out how to open the letter. I asked my mom if she did this and she denied it. Several days later I bought myself a new similar diary and again I found it pried open and my mom again denied having anything to do with it, saying, why would I do something like that? You think I have nothing better to do? So I finally bought one more and wrote a bunch of ridiculous lies in it. Like how I went to the movies with a boy and he kissed me. I thought I was being clever. I wanted to trap whoever was invading my space. But when I got home from school, my mom immediately started hitting me, accusing me of being a stupid ugly whore. I pleaded her to stop asking what I did wrong and she mentioned my made up entries. I screamed, I thought you said you haven't been reading my diary, and she answered as she continued to hit me, unless I do, I wouldn't know that you're sneaking off to the movies and having sex with boys. What? I was only 10 and attended private school where each absence is confirmed with calls to the parents, and I always came straight home after school where my mom was waiting for me. I asked her, when would I have had time to go anywhere but school? She answered, I don't know how you do it, but you're a liar and you're so stupid and ugly and no decent boy will ever like you. Tricia also told me that she recently flew out to visit her parents for the long weekend. As they all sat around the TV one afternoon, she received a phone call, excused herself and walked into another room to take the call. As soon as I closed the door behind me, my mom kicks the door open screaming, who are you talking to? What are you hiding? Are you a drug dealer or a prostitute? As if that wasn't horrible enough, the call was from a company I've been trying to score an interview with. My client, Erica shared, when I was in high school, my mom caught my dad having an affair. She immediately divulged all kinds of things to me that kids don't want to hear about their parents, including sexual things. I was absolutely appalled when my mom started telling me in detail, your father no longer does this or that to me, and now I know why. He probably spends time away from us doing this and this to the other woman. Oh my God. I told her, I don't want to know these things. And she angrily replied, you know, I thought I could trust you. I thought you were my best friend. I thought you were supposed to be the most compassionate one among all of my kids. But I guess I was wrong. I'll just find someone else to confide in. Erica added, I know I did nothing wrong, but I felt so guilty telling Mom I can't listen to stuff like that. 9. The narcissistic mother is never at fault. She is never wrong. A narcissistic mother will never admit to fault. Fault. She has buried her insecurities and self loathing deep into her unconscious and constantly protects and nurtures the perfect false self she has created. She is without flaw, and if anything or anyone is at fault about anything, including her doings, it's always something outside of herself. Admitting to fault means she loses absolute control of her false image. It threatens her superiority over others, and it means she has to get back in touch with that fragile true self she has long forgotten about and that would absolutely destroy her. Scott, a 36 year old single father, recalled a recent event. We were at my parents house for a monthly family get together when my siblings and I heard mom screaming from the kitchen, who took the serving spoon? Whoever took it better put it back. We all headed to the kitchen to see what the problem was, but mom was already beyond fuming. She looked at us with hate in her eyes and said, I told you to put things back where they belong after you use them. We all answered, mom, we all just got here and none of us touched your serving spoon. That's when mom looked straight at me and said, where did you put it, Scott? This is why you couldn't even save your marriage. You're so irresponsible. I was at loss for words. And moments later, my sister Rachel found the serving spoon in one of the containers in the refrigerator. Mom apparently left it in there when she was putting away the leftovers. Mom then told Rachel, you should have looked there in the first place and put it back in its place so I wouldn't have had to search for it. We all looked at each other with confusion and of course, no apology for her cruel attack on my character. 28 year old Cheryl was a college professor. She recalled that her mother proudly and repeatedly told her, her dad and her siblings about her encounter with a homeless woman who always stood outside the local market. Market? My mother said she instructed the woman to stop begging for change and head to the local homeless shelter to ask for help. The woman apparently thanked her for the advice and went her way. Then one afternoon, the whole family squeezed into the van for a trip across town and we spotted that same homeless woman standing outside the market. The conversation went like, dad, looks like she didn't take her advice after all. What are you talking about? I never gave her advice. Mom. You said you told her to quit begging for change. I never said that. Yes, you did, Mom. Remember? You said you told her to get help from the shelter. My mother then burst into a rage. You all need to just shut up. I never said that. I can't believe how stupid you all are. Just shut up because you don't know what you're talking about. Why are you calling us stupid? We were all there. You told us several times that you talked to her. Oh my God, you're so stupid. So stupid. You have nothing going on for yourself and you're such an embarrassment to the family. Just shut up, dad. Girls, your mother said it never happened, so that's enough. Cheryl added, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell happened that time. I like to add here it's common for father figures in these family units to go along with a narcissistic mother out of survival, which makes him an enabler. That's if he hasn't escaped. Okay, I know that was a lot to take in at once, but I wanted to include as many scenarios as I could because many adult children of narcissistic mothers continue to believe mom can't accept them because there's something wrong with them. And many adult children of narcissistic mothers are absolutely blown away when they first realize others have experienced very similar abuse in the hands of their mothers during childhood. Narcissistic moms cause unbelievable psychological injuries to their children, from constantly doubting themselves and feeling worthless, anxious and inadequate no matter what they've accomplished, to seeking out toxic partners who provide the familiar, harmful feelings they receive from their mothers throughout their lives. I also wanted to address that One of the biggest concerns with having a narcissistic mom is having to scroll through Facebook on Mother's Day. The mom who is also a best friend, the rock, the confidant, the one who will receive you with open arms no matter what. You can't help but wonder exactly what you did wrong that you don't deserve a loving mother like everyone else seems to have. This feeling and reaction is normal and I often advise those who are working through this trauma to avoid social media a day or two before and after Mother's Day. The fact is, what your mom is is not your fault, no matter what she's been telling you. Processing this is painfully challenging. Because we see a mom, we expect her to play the role of mom, behaving like the other loving moms we see elsewhere. But moms are humans too, and like all humans, some moms become very sick sick and some become so ill that they can't be cured. If you have a narcissistic mother, she has a psychological illness that's virtually impossible to repair. Here's an analogy. If you have a mom who's lost movement of her arms due to an accident or illness, and you see others post about how their moms give the best hugs, would you blame yourself for not being worthy of her hugs? As much as you might miss her warm embrace, you most likely wouldn't associate your self worth to this. Your mother has a personality disorder. The emotional part of her brain has been damaged due to genetics or childhood trauma. It happened before your existence was even an idea. This disorder is not your fault and her inability to behave and think like a healthy mother does not reflect your true worth. It can feel nearly impossible to deal with a narcissistic mother, but you can survive and rise above her behavior. Turn to those in whom you can trust for validation for who you really are. I bet you've often wondered things like why does everyone always commend me for being pretty amazing while my own mother constantly accused me of being a horrible disappointment no matter how hard I try to prove myself worthy? Children of narcissistic mothers have been looking at a reflection of themselves through a very distorted mirror that's been constantly manipulated by their mothers, and as such, it's critical to turn to your trusted circle of support who will hold up a clear, untampered mirror in front of you, revealing your wonderful, true self. You grew up leaning on someone that was very damaged, and while you couldn't defend yourself as a child, you can defend yourself as an adult by separating yourself from and working around someone else's damage. You must begin healing and rebuilding so you can step out of the lies your mother conditioned you to believe about yourself. It's time to see mom as she really is, and more important, it's time for you to step into who you really are. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcast. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless. Sa.