12. Tips for Dealing with Narcissists in the Workplace

You're listening to the choose youe podcast, episode number 12. Hey guys. I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. In this episode, I'll be covering some strategies to help working with a narcissist more productive and tolerable let's begin. Working with someone, whether it's a co worker or a boss with narcissistic personality disorder can make your day to day very difficult and frustrating, primarily because your paycheck is involved and you can't just write this person off and walk away from your job. So how do you deal with them while protecting your mental and emotional well being? Trying to change a narcissistic co worker is virtually impossible because their brains are wired to focus strictly on getting ahead, exhibiting their superiority over others in trying to appear, and even insisting they're without fault. It might seem hopeless, but it's very possible to make working with a narcissist more productive and tolerable. And this is done by working around their fragile egos and their insatiable need for admiration. Okay, so before I share with you the several ways to do this, I'd like to say if your organization tolerates harassment and abuse, it may be in your best interest, especially for your mental and emotional health, to consider finding a new job. Alright, so a narcissistic co worker or boss is someone who takes credit for other people's hard work, blames everything on others, including the mistakes made by the narcissist, lies to get ahead, treats you with contempt in private and in front of your co workers, gives insincere and sarcastic compliments, exploits your weaknesses. They have the need to always one up their co workers, among others. And if you work with a narcissist, you already know how frustrating and miserable it is to have them around. So how do you protect yourself from a narcissist in your workplace? Here are 10 tips to help make working with a narcissist more productive and tolerable. Number one, Keep a paper trail whether the narcissist is a co worker or a boss, anytime you're given verbal instructions or verbally collaborate on a project, ask them to email the information to you for your records. You can also take detailed notes and ask the narcissist to review them for accuracy. I also highly suggest keeping an incident report, including date, time, location of the event, who was there, what happened, and direct quotes of this interaction. This will come in useful if you ever find yourself having to consult with human resources management or Even an attorney later on. Number two, they try to take credit for your ideas. Narcissists are notorious for taking credit for other people's work and ideas. So if you've been teamed up with a narcissist for a project, make certain to record all of your work in detail so everyone knows where the work came from. It's also good practice to document your new ideas, including the date, time and location for your records. Number three, remember that they reject even the smallest criticism. If you even hint that they have made an error, narcissists will shut you out or throw everything back at you, making correction and improvement nearly impossible. These people are sensitive to the slightest of criticisms. In this case, how you approach the narcissist is very important, and a technique called the sandwich feedback is very effective. This involved discussing corrective feedback in a positive way, which is sandwiched between two praises. So let's say the narc's name is Chris and you recently received a complaint from a customer who claimed Chris was rude and unhelpful. However, two weeks prior to this, Chris received high praises for excellent service from another customer. So it'll go something like, chris, I called you in to let you know you're doing an outstanding job here and you know your approach to the customer's concern. The one who unexpectedly stopped in from Florida two weeks ago, was impressive. Your patience and support was truly appreciated and noticed. I'd really like to see more of that terrific performance. Instead of pointing out the complaint, you put the spotlight on a positive experience. You want the narcissist to deliver more of this will give the narc a baseline behavior to work with and maintain in order to bring him or her the approval and applause they need. Number four, don't bore them with your stories and accomplishments. The narcissist could care less about your goals and achievements. If you want to celebrate a win, take it to those who are able to actually hear and appreciate you, because your words will fall on deaf ears and the conversation will quickly shift back to the narcissist front and center in the spotlight. Keep in mind that this is how the narcissist's brain is wired. People with narcissistic personality disorder are unable to see past their own needs. If it doesn't benefit them, it's irrelevant to their survival. Number five, don't disclose personal information or share opinions, so if your marriage is going through some bumps and make certain not to share this with the narc. If the narcissist hears it from someone else and approaches you about it. Change the subject and if they persist, tell them this is not something you're going to discuss and walk away. Narcissists also use triangulation to keep those around them under his or her control. One example is the what do you think of so and so trap. If you fall for this, the narc will most definitely twist what you say and tell that co worker even if you said something positive. And in many cases they'll share their negative opinion about that co worker. Then run back to that person and tell them you were the one who said those negative things. Best defense here is again, change the subject or walk away. Number 6 Avoid unnecessary contact One of the best ways not to get pulled into the narcissist's crazy games is to avoid engaging with them altogether. If you must interact, make certain to keep it strictly to just the facts. But like we just covered in the previous tip, don't disclose personal information or share opinions with the narcissist. Number seven Flatter them Narcissists get high on attention and admiration, so if you want them to do something, the best way is to tell them what you appreciate about them and why they're the best person for the task. They'll do it for the rewarding applause. It can feel manipulative, but dealing with a narcissist is very much like handling a small child. Give them praise and offer your attention while they're working on what you asked them to. Feeling special will motivate them to see this through. If you're working on a project with a narc, go in expecting your partner to take all the credit. Like I suggested earlier, make it a point to record all of your work in detail and update your manager of what you're doing along the way so everyone knows where the work is coming from. As far as narcissistic bosses, it would be very beneficial for you to study what's important for them and excel at it. While narcissists view the sources of their supply as interchangeable and expendable, if you're able to make your narcissistic boss appear like they've got it all going for them, and if you are the key to maintaining the status for your boss, it's likely you'll be rewarded for your hard work. The key is to be indispensable. Number eight Keep in mind that it's not personal. Even if you find yourself as being the narcissist's main target, their behavior towards you has nothing to do with you and it's all about them they lash out at anyone they identify as a threat, including people who they feel will perform better and outshine them. Narcissists are unable to see past their own needs and as such never really looks at those around them or consider who they are as human beings. All they know is they can't allow even a drop of attention and admiration to fall on anyone else but themselves. Number nine they constantly talk about themselves. The only things that will ever motivate a narcissist to do or say anything is narcissistic supply. They not only want, but need to sit in the spotlight surrounded by fans in order to feel important, special and keep them going. I know it's annoying. This behavior was so irritating in grade school and much more so in a work environment. But changing how you think about them as a person with a disorder, lacking a functioning personality, and unable to generate and sustain their own self esteem and worth can help put their behavior in context. Number 10 it might just Be Time to Move On Narcissists are manipulative and their pathology limits them to look out only for themselves. They'll do anything to get all the credit for a successful project and move ahead, including manipulating the people up top to get what they want. And because narcissists are usually charming and confident, the narc is oftentimes rewarded with promotions and raises even if he or she didn't do the work. If your company consistently rewards the narcissist with opportunities that should have been given to others who are more deserving, it may be time to consider moving to a new job. A company that supports and promotes people who are ruthless is likely not one you should continue investing your talents, effort and time in, not to mention your mental and emotional well being. And if the narcissist's behavior is abusive, such as yelling, name calling, excluding you from projects, and gossiping. Document these instances in detail, including dates, times, witnesses and direct quotes of the interactions. Present your evidence to your boss or human resources and demand change. These types of behaviors are unhealthy and damaging to you and the workplace, and it's the responsibility of the organization and the abuser to correct their behaviors, not yours. And if the organization turns a blind eye to the situation, it may be time to move on to a healthier and more supportive environment. Finally, it can be painfully difficult working with a narcissist and having to deal with the negative emotional and mental effects, but whether you stay or move on is of course ultimately up to you. If this job is an important stepping stone in your career or offers other benefits that keep you from leaving, it's completely understandable that you choose to stay. Just remember that you don't have to be the victim. Once you understand the narcissist's behavioral patterns, they'll become more predictable and you'll see there are ways to work around their emotions, demands, preferences, and idiosyncrasies without going insane. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai, and until next time, choose. You. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.