4. Getting Through the Holidays Post Breakup

You're listening to the choose youe Podcast. Episode Number four. Hey guys, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. Holidays are here, and in this episode I'll share ideas I personally use to survive the holidays. Post Breakup Let's Begin so my breakup happened at the end of October 2017, right before Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and the narc's birthday in January. Yeah, the whole shebang. Four consecutive months of anticipated celebrations. So believe me when I say you owe it to yourself to make a plan on how you're going to survive the holidays. Because it's what I did. I wasn't sure how the heck I was supposed to make it out alive, but defeat was not an option. I I have a teenage son who totally counts on me, and there was no way I was going to let that horrible shell of a human steal this special season away from me and my sweet boy. So here are some ideas to help get you through the merriest of seasons Number one Surround yourself with safe and supportive people. For many survivors, especially ones who have recently experienced a breakup, the holidays are the most challenging time of the year. Find comfort and seek support from people who understand and care about you. While narcissists can't look past their own needs, the genuinely good people will show compassion for you because you matter. They'll listen and lift you up. And as far as venting and sharing your sadness and frustrations with your friends on social media, I have conflicting feelings about this because this platform enables you to find people who will complain with you, making it incredibly tempting to remain in negativity. However, I also know the positive support possible from sharing with your online friends. Ask for kind words, prayers, ideas to help cheer you up, words of wisdom, funny jokes, and videos. Using social media to help lift you up is a great way to find a supportive community if none is accessible in real life. Now, a quick warning. I've seen all forms of victim shaming. One where individuals claim they've overcome difficulties and advise those going through challenges to be strong by keeping their problems to themselves. But many who preach this have a supportive network of family and friends who are able to sufficiently provide what they need to get through the rough times, eliminating their need to find support elsewhere, which in my book leaves their advice null and void. And you know what? I'd rather see people venting on social media than to hear they've resorted to desperate measures. This is where I tell you to choose. You two see a strength focused and trauma informed therapist, counselor, psychologist, coach or other professional who understands how to treat trauma, loss, depression and anxiety. Seeking professional help does not make a person a failure. Just as dermatologists are there to treat skin conditions, therapists are there to help bring clarity to your thoughts and heal your broken heart. It's self care and an act of responsibility. 3. Nourish yourself. It's when you're feeling your lowest that you need all the strength and energy you can muster up to get you through it. Keep in mind too that not eating enough can make you more sensitive and moody, leaving you feeling worse than you already do. Think superfoods like delicious chia pudding with honey granola and almond butter drizzle or chocolate quinoa power bowls? What about Nutella Nice cream or smoothie bowls and sweet potato toasts? Need more delicious and healthy ideas? Well, you're in luck because I'm the girl to help you. I have a bunch of deliciously nutritious recipes on my foodie Instagram account hegirl Food. The link is in the show notes. And don't forget water. All our organs need water to function properly. And if you're dehydrated, your stress hormone levels increase increase. So staying hydrated can keep your stress levels down. And what about food the ex did not like? Sometimes we end up sacrificing things we like to accommodate the people who mean most to us. Perhaps you enjoy stuffing your face with fried calamari, but that stuff made the former BAE nauseous. Or maybe you had to give up your delicious cauliflower breadsticks because the ex broke out into hives just looking at the adorable plant. Now is the time to take your power back and indulge in foods that you haven't enjoyed in a while. 4. Plan something to look forward to. You may not feel like it at the moment, but having something on the horizon to plan for and get excited about could be just what you need to get you up and moving forward. Life probably feels all out depressing right now, but planning a drive out of town at the end of the month with a few friends or solo for some much needed you time will give you the motivation to just get you through another day so you're that much closer to your fun escape. It doesn't even have to be anything extravagant like a mini staycation at a nearby bnb. Hiking a trip, Sign up for kickboxing, grill time at the spa, drive out to the next state and explore weekend of fishing or register for a cooking class because who knows you could very well be the next Iron Chef. Or how about something you've wanted to do but couldn't because of conflicts in schedule with the ex, or they just weren't interested. Making plans open you to the possibility that despite the current state of your personal life, you still have some great things waiting for you in the future. 5. Do what I did and try things you've never tried before, provided it's safe and legal, like getting your eyebrows threaded, taking a pole dancing class, or trying out that pink ombre hairstyle you've been pinning all over Pinterest. I did this immediately after the breakup and it was empowering. 6. Get out in nature. Find a path in the mountains, by the sea, in the desert, or wherever nature is for you. Studies show that hiking in nature is good for mental health and releasing trauma. You know what I like to do? Spot all the wild plants and trees you remember seeing even before the narc came into the picture. They were thriving before the craziness, and they continue to thrive. It's a great reminder that there was life before the narc and we can thrive again. Seven Help the less fortunate Researchers believe that helping others in need increases empathy, which makes you see past your own troubles and appreciate all the good you have in your own life. This in turn, boosts your own happiness. That's not all. Helping others can help reduce stress, fight depression, increase self confidence, keep you mentally stimulated, and provide a sense of purpose. There's no denying it. By doing good for others in the community, you can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment and and the better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to have a positive view of your life. Here are some ideas. Want to start walking but can't find the motivation? Contact your local animal shelter and become a dog walker. These pups are cooped up in those tiny little spaces, just itching for exercise. It would make their day to have a special long walk with a human friend. Or if you like to play cards, maybe you could volunteer to start a poker game at a local nursing home. Don't be fooled. There are some card sharks with years of experience under their belt looking to win. Studies have shown that volunteering helps people who donate their time feel more socially connected, thus warding off loneliness and depression. Turn to something bigger than yourself. The burden of carrying your troubles alone can become too much to bear, and it can feel exhausting and lonely. Two practices to help in a mending process come to mind. Prayer and meditation. Regardless of religion, prayer meets our basic need to feel we're a part of something bigger than ourselves. The comfort of knowing we're not alone in this life helps reduce stress and overwhelm. And if prayer isn't for you, try meditation. Research show that regular mindfulness exercises can change brain structure to promote a sense of well being. 9. Rest and take naps. I fell asleep watching my son's baby videos. I let it run while I napped so I can subconsciously hear his adorable gurgles and giggling. And I always wok up, feeling a heck of a lap happier than I felt before my nap. 10. Get off your butt. I know you really don't want to do much more than roll up under your covers and wait for the day to end. And it's totally normal to do this. But physical activities like jogging, aerobics, inline skating, and hula hooping release feel good chemicals such as dopamine and is as beneficial as taking antidepressants for mild depression. Even something as simple as a brisk walk while getting some fresh air outside will help. A lot of people swear by yoga, but I always opted for more aggressive activities like kickboxing classes to release all that rage. It's your choice, so do what feels best for you, and dancing has always been one of my favorite stress relievers. It combines two mood boosters, music and physical activity. Doesn't take much either. Just start moving, wiggle, jump, shimmy, jazz hands, whatever. Finally, surviving the holidays can feel like the end of the world. But it's not. It might even feel like the pain you're feeling right this second will never go away. But fortunately it will. I'm living proof. Of course, there were times when I was sure my heart would never heal. But now, when I look back, it's as though I'm vaguely recalling a movie I watched long ago. People have survived and thrived after losing their limbs, loved ones to illnesses and accidents, businesses they've built from ground up, dream homes and more. Plus, my take is this. We were extremely fortunate to escape from that depressing, frustrating, crazy, making abusive hell. And this only means happiness and peace after recovery. You can get there. Just take it one day at a time. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai, and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God bless.