5. Q&A Tuesday | Can Narcissists Love Their Children?

You're listening to the choose youe Podcast. Episode number five. Hi, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. This is Q and A Tuesday and I'll be answering questions like can narcissists love? Can they love their children? Should I warn the new victim? And more. Let's begin. So I added another segment titled Q and A Tuesday where I dedicate the entire episode answering listener questions. See? During my own journey to recovery, fellow survivors were encouraging me to create a course on recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, it took so much time away from my full time coaching business that I would have had to begin charging for the help I was offering. I didn't want to do that to people who are already feeling rock bottom. So instead I decided to create this podcast where I can provide information and solutions to recover from narcissistic abuse. For I'll give you the email address to send your questions to at the end of the show. Alright. One of the most frequently asked questions I receive on this topic is can narcissists love and can they love their children? As far as whether or not the narcissist is able to love, we must first understand the definition and assumptions about love for an emotionally healthy person is completely different from that of a narcissist. See, narcissists are able to appear as though they truly love you. They can shower you with words of love, they can make it look like love, and they can convince you that what you feel is the deepest, truest love. This all happens in the idealization as well as the hoovering stages when you're constantly showered with declarations of love and affection. You finally found your soulmate and everything about you will fascinate the narc and they'll love every little part of who you are, what you do, and how you do everything. Your soulmate will praise you all day and marvel about how blessed you both are for having so much in common. It's like you're the same person. Do you remember that perfect dreamlike stage? It's the beginning of the most narcissistic relationship. A natural thought process and behavior in order to secure a source of supply. The problem is, the narcissist isn't actually seeing you as your own individual person, but as an object potentially filling a role in their fantasy of what they want their life to look like. It's not genuine admiration for you as your own person. The narcissist is agreeing with the idea in his or her own head about how perfect you are for that made up role. But they're genuinely excited about what they anticipate to gain from your contribution. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have become this way due to genetics or have experienced some sort of trauma during childhood, most likely before the age of six. And that's around the age when children still behave like the world revolved around them, with little regard for the needs of others. It's also the time when kids heavily depend on their primary caregivers to help define their identity and place in this world. This is literally where the narcissist's emotional age is stuck at. It's why they're unable to see past their own needs. So the narcissist had this wonderful fantasy in their head that was written in a way that the narc came up appearing successful and admired. And when you were identified as someone who met all the requirements to fill the role, the narc went all in to secure you as their source of everything they need. You're everything I could ever want and need. Does that sound familiar? It sounds so romantic and definite, doesn't it? Except in a narcissistic relationship, this must be taken literally. The thing is, because a narcissist is unable to see you as your own person, they're unable to acknowledge and appreciate you for who you are. What they were really appreciating and adoring about you was how they expect you to provide this fantasy for them. But because it's impossible to morph into another person's idea of perfection, the narcissists begin to see that you're not who they thought you were and blame you for it. And then begin devaluing. The narc lacks a functioning personality and cannot maintain their own self esteem and worth. They're like a leaky bucket. No matter how many times you fill it with water, it'll keep emptying out. And without actually repairing the leak, as in healing their unbearable childhood trauma, they require constant refilling of narcissistic supply. And because they lack a self and depend on others to supply their self esteem and identity, they don't have anything to give. Sure, they're experts in mirroring you because people naturally give what they themselves want. But because narcs are empty, these acts of reflections are without substance. Do you remember feeling empty after spending time with a narcissist? Good or bad, it's like putting all of your energy into a deflated balloon. Exhausting and pointless. So the second part to this question is, do narcissists love their children. Brain scans of NPDs reveal abnormalities in the area of the brain related to compassion. Their thoughts, emotions and behavior unfortunately extends to the narc's children and even pets. First off, younger children usually depend on and worship their parents and these grown ups are their heroes. That admiration alone could provide a healthy dose of supply for the narcissistic parent, or any other parent for that matter. However, being the leaky buckets that they are, even that's not enough. I've personally witnessed narcissistic parents who appear to always be present and attentive. After some observation, their true intentions rise up to the surface, as truth usually does. The narcissistic ex in my life did whatever he could to keep peace with his seemingly volatile ex wife and invested so much time and effort into making memories with his kids who he had 5050 physical custody and made it a point to always post on social media. This is where he extracts supply from those who admired him for being a great dad. Although his dedication to fatherhood is one of the reasons I was drawn to him, it was later revealed as he was panicking over an altercation with his ex wife that if she gets mad and moves away with the kids, I'll have to start paying child support. No mention of how he'll miss them or needs to be a part of their lives. So while cute little kids and pets provide narcs with enough distraction to keep them from sitting in their emptiness and older children can be manipulated for supply or as tools to use against the other parent. While being a parent can be used to suck out supply from those who witness a narc's life, their ability to love and emotionally bond is just the same as with any other human relationship, superficial and self serving. The next question is, should I warn the new victim? Oh, I know how tempting this is. Two of the biggest motivations behind this are usually one, you're so livid with a narcissist and how they treated you that you don't want them to contaminate anyone else. And two, you don't want the narc to find love after shattering your heart and life because this means it's possible that you were the reason for the narcissistic relationship to fail. Of course there's no genuine love by our healthy definition in a narcissist's life, but this is a very natural feeling. Personally, I wouldn't. The new source of supply is already so deep into idealization they won't believe a word you say. I didn't want to know who the new person was and the amazing people around me continue to make certain my request is respected. However, a few of my friends quickly discovered who she was and reached out to her and she apparently replied, I had no idea, thank you for the warning and proceeded with the relationship. They don't want to believe you. Remember the dream come true. You were living at the beginning of the relationship. Would you have believed some stranger who reached out to warn you about the most amazing human you've ever met? Narcs are notorious for telling new victims that their ex is crazy, jealous, delusional or something like I fell crazy in love with you and knew you were the one so I had to leave them. During my relationship, I confided in my friends, some who were relationship experts and marriage counselors, about the red flags I was beginning to notice and the unanimous advice was run the other way now. When I told the narc, he responded, of course they don't get what we have, baby, they're jealous. I was so desperate for him to prove them wrong. He never did. But the feelings he made me feel during the idealization phase was so clear in my mind and I wanted it back so badly. I hung on with my life. But if you must get this out of your system, simply let them know that when they need answers and support, they can do a search on narcissistic cycle of abuse, then block all communications from them. Finally, the next question is the narcissistic ex was active in their church and charitable causes, so does that mean he or she has the ability to care about others? These types of narcissists are known as altruistic narcissists and they extract supply from the admiration they receive from people who witness their activities or what Dinark X in my life cared most about was announcing his great deeds on Facebook and watching how many likes and comments he got from his thousands of followers. Always an inspiration. Yeah, whatever. These types go out of their way to do these so called good deeds. Not to contribute to the betterment of the world, but to receive admiration and applause from others. Their audience praise them and they get to feel like someone special in this world. You think narcs will invest their time and effort into being kind and generous on somebody nobody will ever know about? Most likely not. They also perform as such to enhance their sense of superiority as well as maintain the image of being admirable, special and lovable. When narcs give, they always give with their own agendas attached to them, never from the kindness of their heart. Ever. Alright, so that's it for now. If you have questions you want answered on the show about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and recovering from narcissistic abuse, send me a message at. Dear carmenarmensake.com the link is in the Show Notes. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.